A few months ago I had a conversation with a woman who was about to move into the brand new home she and her husband designed and paid to have built. She told me her hubby had gone out drinking with a co-worker to celebrate, and the co-worker warned him of something called “the new house curse.”
The guy said everyone he knows who’s built a house soon experienced horrible tragedy. Murder… divorce… spontaneous combustion… the thick piss…
In fact, the co-worker took out his wallet and removed a nail. “This is the final piece of the house we built ten years ago,” he said, “and as long as I carry it in my wallet, the project will never be done. And if it’s never fully completed, I’m safe.” He was reportedly dead serious about it.
We joked about this, and I told her she’d better be careful and heed the warning of the new house curse. Yeah, I was laughing and yukking it up, but if the roles had been reversed I probably would’ve started carrying a nail as well. Because I don’t really care for such things.
And you can probably guess what’s happened. That’s right, it’s just been one unspeakable event after another for that woman and her family. I don’t want to get into the details, but some nightmarish things have occurred since they moved into their new home, and just keep on occurring.
Have you ever heard of such a curse? I hadn’t, but have now, and will never forget it. Holy shitbubbles!
On a happier note, do any of you remember Keebler Danish Wedding Cookies? I used to love them as a kid, and don’t think I’ve seen ’em in stores since the Reagan Administration.
A few days ago there was apparently some sort of neurological upheaval, and I was hit by a wave of craving for something I hadn’t tasted in 25 years. How is it possible? I simply don’t know.
I assumed they’d been discontinued a long time ago, but apparently not. Check it out. It looks like they come in a box now, when they used to be in a bag. But other than that… it seems pretty much the same.
And this information is doing nothing for my mental health. I must have those powdery cookies, stat!
Microbrew of the Weekend: a Magic Hat winter ale, called Roxy Rolles. It was very hoppy and crisp, and not as spicy as some of the other winter ales I’ve tried. I give it a double-yum, followed by a single Nossy lip-smack.
After disappearing the microbrews, I watched a movie off the DVR, called Guadalcanal Diary. It’s a World War II movie, made during World War II, and is pretty darn good.
But the thing is loaded with racial slurs against the Japanese, almost from start to finish. It was Jap this, and slant-eye that, and, “Honest Sarge, I thought I saw his buck-teeth right in front of me…”
Is it wrong to laugh at such things? Should I feel guilty? It was like I was listening to a Phil Hendrie bit, starring Lloyd Bonafide. I fully expected one of the characters to shout, “We were up to our necks in bowl haircuts!” Just like Lloyd would’ve done.
It was almost shocking. Not quite, but almost.
Nancy called and asked Toney if she and her traveling circus of kookery could descend on our house for Christmas. And Toney said no! I couldn’t have done it, I admit. Especially during the holidays. I would’ve gritted my teeth, and said, “We’d be glad to have ya!”
And it’s a funny thing… a year ago Toney would’ve, too. She’s now so blunt with them, it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what’s come over her.
But I’m perfectly willing to reap the benefits of whatever’s caused Toney to snap. It’s a wonderful time to be alive!
She and I were talking about showers the other day, and got into a debate about technique. Toney says you’re supposed to wash your hair first, then your face, then your body. And I’ve always washed my hair last. It’s never even occurred to me to do it in a different order.
Of course my hair is generally a centimeter long, so I don’t use conditioner and all that stuff (I also haven’t owned or used a brush since U2 were hip). So that probably makes a difference, right? I go face, body, hair. And it’s a method that’s served me well.
What do you say about it? Who’s doing it right, and who’s doing it wrong? Are you supposed to wash your hair first? It’s important that I know this.
And just so you’re aware… I’ve already made the joke about going balls, ass, face. So, I beat you to it.
Finally, what’s the story on that “12 Days of Christmas” tune? Christmas is December 25, there is no second day, and there certainly is no twelfth day. What the hell are they talking about?
Yeah, I think it’s just an excuse for some guy to brag about all the pretentious and crackpot gifts his girlfriend gave him. And I refuse to participate.
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya soon.
12 days referrs to the 12 bottles of burbon that you must drink during the Christmas holiday, lest ye burn in hell for eternity.
Method of washing is dictated by gravity. The reason people have to use conditioner is the shampoo, it fucks you hair, big time. It removes the natural oils with the garage floor cleaner that is in it. Sodium Laureth Sulfate is a foaming agent and pretty nasty.
Those cookies are great and the Amazon price is for 12 boxes.
The Evil Twin says
The cookies that I really miss the most are those really thin cookies shaped like windmills, that have a granular glaze of cinnamon-y sugar and almond slivers stuck to them. They were Swedish, or from Denmark or somewhere, so I always referred to them as “de-hooden-hooden” cookies (as if the Muppets Swedish Chef would say it) Man, I could eat an entire pack in one sitting. Don’t see ’em around much anymore.
Alice in WV says
my t-shirt arrived!!!!
Alice in WV says
Archway cookies just opened their doors again! for the time being anyway.
I just got a Christmas card from one of my employees that says:
“Seasons Greetings… Money’s Short, Times are Hard, Here’s Your Fucking Christmas Card”
Then, inside it says:
“Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
And Dad smoking grass
I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of Hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!”
$40.00 bucks for a dozen boxes of cookies?
and whats in them tiny trudballs?
I am definitely a hair, face, body person and here is the reason: if you wash your body and face first they are clean, then you go ahead and wash you your hair and all the dirt from your hair slides down your already clean body and you think you are done, but no you now are all dirty again from the dirt from your hair.
1.) Pre Soak entire body
4.) Soapy Wash (private areas) with body soap usually 2-3 minutes
5.) Rotate several times under shower head
6.) Wash Hair
8.) Wash Feet
Holy Bat shit Robin, I made it into the top 500!
My new home has brought not one bit of bad luck…..
Unless finding this web sight can be construed in that manner?? Hmmmmmmmm
Screw political correctness!
Merry Christmas to Jeff, his family and the rest of us screwball followers!
Have a Grrrrrrrreat One !!!!!!!!!
It’s gotta be face, body, hair…… no question, we aren’t washing a car here…..
Hey Adam……. WTF ? no Armorall ???
Thanks Anne for the decoding of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Interesting! I was told the twelfth day ended on the Day of Epiphany or Jan. 6th which is also the day to take down the Christmas tree or thereafter.
Hair, rinse, condition, begin body soaping, rinse hair and body. Pumice feets, rinse. Done!
Merry Christmas Surfers!
Mark, Armorall is not very viscous… in fact, it’s the antithesis of viscous… which makes catching those virgins difficult.
hungover near nay aug says
Tshirt! yay!!! Love it!!!
Merry Christmas Surf Reporters!!!!!!
Just finished up the office Christmas party, I’m the last one to leave. Sitting at my desk drinking a beer. A beer! At work!
This is awesome, I’m just saying……
Big Bear In OH says
WVSR Tee’s arriving today! I’m wearing mine right now before I go in for a two hour security stint at work, and then go get wasted (Again). Merry Christmas to all!
ETW…I started to say the windmlii cookies and got distracted/ busy and wiped out the comment yesterday. I think they were called Jon Hoggles. Absolutly loved them and I’m sure at one time I figured I could live on those things alone. Hey…there’s an almond sliver here and there. Yum!! The pink and white things with sprinkles also came in chocolate. Yum!!
Hair/ conditioner, body,FEET, rince hair, face, ears & neck. Three minutes tops. I’m going to go time that right now.
Good times to everyone. Merry Christmas!!—dave
DAMN! I didn’t get my t-shirt today and I’m leaving until Jan. 6th.
I’ll check in when I can from Italy –
Merry Christmas, Surfers!
OK…15 minutes to trim my beard. (not an everyday thing)
2 minutes looking for a cork to replace the one that broke off opening the bottle of wine.
5 minutes actual shower. I’m 6’2″ and moving slower than I used to I guess. I did notice though that a slow moving drain will actuall wash your feet for you. Ankle deep in shampoo and body wash has to count. Maybe some toe wiggling? Don’t know…need more lab work on that.
For the past several years we’ve gone to Waffle House on Christmas morning for breakfast. Tomorrow morning will be no different. But every year I end up being disappointed with what I order. It’s always the hashbrowns with everything atop them. I always vow that I won’t do it next year, but I panic and do it anyway.
So if anyone reads this message between now and tomorrow morning, and can offer some advise as to what is delicious at Waffle House, I’d really appreciate it.
J Shifty says
First, I type this while wearing my WVSR t-shirt that arrived in the mailbox on Christmas Eve. Jah bless us, every one!
Next, I currently live in a house that was being built when we got involved in the situation. I can confirm our family did get figuratively ass-raped with a broomstick during that era, but we are now all alive and well, though occasionally we have to pump Poltergeist ectoplasm out of the basement with a sump pump.
As the son of a man who painted houses for builders evil enough to get their own episode of 60 Minutes, you’d think I’d know better. But sue me, I enjoy things like level floors and strong water pressure in the shower.
Last, one of the most life-changing questions I was ever asked was: “After you suds your hair with shampoo, do you rinse off your hands before you rinse the shampoo from your hair?” I said yes, and still do, but now every morning is tainted knowing that that action is futile at best, and dementedly obsessive at worst.
Sam in Rochester says
wow, just got my week long fill of the report. My folks live in Parkersburg where I grew up. It’s pretty much the chemical-cancer central with the Ohio river right there. Anyway they don’t “believe” in the internet.
In HS we had something called “the penis game”. Basically, it started when someone whispered “penis” in a room during a particularly quiet period like a test. The game was that the next guy had to say “penis” slightly louder than the last, without getting caught. Each time it got louder, until either no one said it, or the teacher caught on. On time in gym class we were reading something on the bleachers and someone whispered “penis”. After a few rounds the gym teacher jumped up from his desk, tossed down his clipboard and yelled at the top of his lungs, “PENIS!”, then calmly sat back down and continued reading. You could of heard a mouse fart. Afterward, people in other class rooms in other parts of the school building asked me, “did you hear coach M earlier?” good times…
I just got into ham radio, it’s a whole new world of expensive electronics….
Merry Christmas to all! Just got back from the usual Christmas Eve visit at my Mom’s and realized I forgot to wish all the Surf Reporters one!
Then I realized that everyone is having one already except for me… T-shirts arrived just in time for the Holiday, but alas- no long sleeves for me. Oh well, I have high hopes for ’09.
And to all a good night!