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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

A Band That’s Interwoven Into My World ‘n’ Shit

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I was listening to local talk radio recently, and the host told the caller to “vote with your feet.”  I don’t remember what they were talking about.  Caulk or mutual funds… what does it matter?  But the woman busted out laughing, as if the host had just made a devastating funny.

“Vote with your feet!” she shrieked.  “Oh my god, that’s great!!  Vote with your feet!!”

WTF?  Isn’t that a common phrase?  Bordering on cliche, even?  And even if it were brand new, freshly minted, it’s not exactly hilarious, is it?

I frowned at the radio, and put in a CD.  There’s only so much a man can take.

And speaking of Wilco, they’re apparently coming to town.  To Scranton, I mean.  On the rare occasion I’m moved to see a band perform live, it almost always requires a drive to Philadelphia.  I’ve gone down there to see Paul Westerberg, Paul Weller, and the Eels about three times.

But Wilco just added a few dates to their ConstaTour 1995 – present, and are supposedly coming to the Scranton Cultural Center in March.  Check it out.

Man, I’m gonna be all over that like a spider monkey on a custodian.  The venue is roughly seven (six?) miles from our house, and is also a really cool place.  I’m excited!

Toney and I first saw Wilco (along with the Jayhawks) in 1995, literally hours after we found out we were going to be parents for the first time.  We’d stopped on our way home from work that night, and bought a home pregnancy kit.  And after some peein’ ‘n’ waitin’ we were informed, via plastic messenger, that the first Secret was on his way.

Holy crap!

We went to the show, at the 40 Watt in Athens, but our minds were racing a mile a minute.  The club wasn’t exactly packed, and we were standing just a few feet from the bands.  Yet I don’t remember much about it.  I know Wilco did a lot of Uncle Tupelo songs, and a few off their second album, which hadn’t been released yet.  Other than that… pretty much a blur.

This is supposedly the set list, but what do I know about it?  I could barely hear anything, because a voice kept yelling, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit…!” inside my head the whole time.

I saw them one other time after that strange night, and know all their albums like the back of my freakin’ hand.  Somehow Wilco has wormed their way into my life, like few other bands.

One of their records, Summerteeth, conjures unpleasant memories of our cash-strapped California years, and I can barely listen to it.  It makes my scrotum feel funny, like when I look down from the top of a skyscraper or whatever.

And another one, Sky Blue Sky, makes me feel almost giddy with optimism.  Clearly, something good was happening during that period.

The shit’s all interwoven into my world, ‘n’ shit.

So, anyway…  I’m looking forward to seeing the band again.  Maybe I’ll take the oldest Secret with me?  How cool would that be?

I had to leave and run a few errands, between that Wilco stuff and now.  Good god, why didn’t I remember it’s seasoned citizen day at the grocery store?  Unbelievable.  I thought my forehead was going to split open, and start spraying blood.

I hope I make it to the age of wide-open entitlement, I really do.  I’m owed it.

This one’s a little short, but I need to get ready for work now…  For a Question, I’d like to hear (read) your stories about the day you found out you were going to be a parent for the first time.  You know, if you ARE a parent.  Use the comments link below.

Also, I’m interested in the other “fun” websites you visit.  I’m not talking about news sites, or crackpot political blogs, or things like that.  Tell us about the sites you visit for entertainment purposes.  Other than porn… everybody knows where to find that.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow, at both sites.  And speaking of both sites, Metten has been on a roll at Mockable over the last few days, so be sure to check it out.

Have a great day, boys and girls.

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  5. My first was a “honeymoon baby” and I was totally surprised when that little window displayed a very clear plus sign. My husband was coaching basketball at the time, and I remember driving over to his practice and pulling him out of the gym to deliver the news. I think we both walked around in a daze for a solid week. We told my parents and my in-laws, but we decided to wait until after the first trimester to share it with everyone else.

    That was January of 2000, and our little girl is now nine and the oldest of three.

    Reply

  10. found out I was pregnant the first time at the tender and completely unprepared age of 19. I immediately started throwing up and lost 15 pounds before i stopped puking. It was not fun. the worst part was telling my mother. She is a scary lady.

    Second time i was a tad more prepared and it was just as scary telling my mother. She is still scary and is never happy about anyone having children. Very weird.

    Reply

  11. We had no kids for the first 5 years so the first pregnancy was somewhat of a shock for me. I had started to assume that I was shooting blanks and we might have to purchase and ice tray full of sperm from some stranger and have it shot into my wife with a turkey baster.

    She took the pregnancy test in secret and slid it under the bathroom door while I was taking a shower. I stepped on it when I got out and thought it was a thermometer and I picked it up by the business end (the pissed on part) to ask her WTF. When she told me what it was I dropped it like it was radioactive.

    I like to go to:
    http://www.gorillamask.net

    Reply

  13. Our little guy just turned three months old, so it was almost exactly one year ago that we got the news. The continuous loop of “oh shit” sounds familiar. I mean, it wasn’t a shock. We decided to start trying after new year’s. However, I expected it to take more than freakin’ 4 days! Everything is great though.
    One of my personal favorites:
    http://www.marriedtothesea.com/

    Reply

  14. JH Christ, just thinking about it makes me feel a little queasy. I remember like it was yesterday. Actually, it was April of 1984. One of those original EPT tests with a little test tube and positive was a circle that formed in the bottom of the pee. I did it on a Sunday morning–very early and sat and watched that circle for three hours waiting for it to disappear. I was 29, nearly thirty and single. Not optimum for the first grandchild for my parents. I think I waited to tell them until like June, maybe. It was a looonnnnng spring. He’s 25 now. They love(d) him like he was gold.

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  15. No kids, so on to question # 2:

    Break.com — A collection of funny, short videos. Sort of like “America’s Funniest Home Videos” but with a lot more nut-shots, face-plants, and people setting themselves on fire. They seem to get a lot of the same videos that are available on other “wacky video” sites, but Break.com has a more user-friendly site than most of the others.

    Drudge.com — Even though I’m sick of his right-wing, Obama-bashing, global-warming-denying slant, he still does link to some very interesting news stories. But for a dude who’s supposedly a closted homosexual, it’s hard to fathom how he could be such a conservative wing-nut. I suppose it’s due to the fact that he’s still in the closet — sorta like the accusation that most gay-bashers are secret homos. (For more details on his alleged lightness in the loafers, just Google “matt drudge closeted homosexual” and you’ll find some interesting reading material.)

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  18. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    Even though it’s not seasoned citizens day here at the workplace, much like our illustrious host Mr. Kay, my forehead too is about to split open and spray blood everywhere.
    The stress levels are reaching red line proportions, the mass amounts of caffeine and nicotine I’ve ingested certainly isn’t helping matters. This little installment of the Report is just the break I needed.

    First time the missus and I found out we were pregnant was when I was a Junior in college. I was living on campus and she was back home, 100 miles away. I got the news over the phone. Talk about an “oh shit” moment.

    Since the oldest, who just turned 21, was born on Pearl Harbor day, the best I can figure he was conceived right around St. Patrick’s day. Makes sense too, seeing as I was home for that weekend, hitting the parties and bars and looking for a little lovin’ later on. Sorry, too much detail.

    One nice thing about having the kids early is now that one is grown and out of the house, the other is almost there, the wife and I are still fairly young.(43 & soon to be 43). We still, hopefully have 30, 40 years to have some fun.

    Speaking of having fun, some websites I like to visit during the down time:

    Holy Taco
    Fail Blog
    The Chive
    Hot Chicks with Douchebags
    Izismile.com (this is a great time waster! Lots of great pics, vids & links)
    Cracked.com
    Bored at Work

    previously above was mentioned “Married to the Sea”, also try NatalieDee.com , Toothpaste for Dinner and Super Poop. These sites are all run by a husband & wife team living in Columbus, Ohio.

    Overheard in New York
    Overheard in the Office
    Hulu
    The Smoking Gun
    Funny or Die

    OK, that’s enough

    Reply

  19. I’ve just finished getting caught up on all of the NYE stories and the nostalgic “thank you” messages, and find myself moved to add a big-ass “Thank you, Jeff!” (no pun intended), and a “Thank you, Surf Reporters!!” for the 1.) sometimes dumb, 2.) sometimes insightful, 3.) usually hilarious, and 4.) always entertaining musings contained both in the body of and in the appendages to this site.

    To say nothing of the educational value of visiting this site and reading the comments. In today’s entree (adianoeta intended), I learned 2 new things: From the video link, I learned that Wilco exists and is actually worth exploring further, and from the reference to the newly-added Wilco concert I learned that Scranton has a Cultural Center. Who knew??!!!

    And until recently I had no idea that Velveeta had utilitarian uses beyond being a stomach-filler and a poop-inhibitor. Again, who knew??!!!

    Now I think I’ll click on some of the links added by the links above. For the educational value, of course.

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  21. Holy Crap Wilco only blocks away!!! Thanks for the heads up Jeff!!!
    Plus a pre-sale option! woohoooo!!!!

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  22. I like Wilco (quite a bit, actually) but I’m not sure if I GET Wilco. Kinda like Radiohead. Me- I’m hearing some very listenable music while everyone else seems to be hearing angels singing personally constructed epiphanies to them.

    Either way, have fun at the show and get me a shirt, okay?

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  23. No kids here. I actually had my tubes tied at a fairly early age…never regretted it until now. This is the first relationship I have ever had that I felt my partner would be a “participating” father and not galavanting in a bar 24/7 while I’m home trying to keep things together. But now that I am 46, it doesn’t really matter anyway.

    Jeez, this is the only site I follow faithfully. There are other blogs I have found over time but only check them from time to time.

    Reply

  24. We were living in Fort Myers FL. She told me and I knew she would want to move back to Michigan. We didn’t have to argue about it because I got laid off three weeks later. Been back here in the great white north ever since. For our second she threw the positive test at me and yelled ” I HOPE YOUR HAPPY ASSHOLE!” I said “That depends, is it mine and is this thing dry?” The joke did not go over well at home. It was all the rage at bowling though. Damn pregnancy hormones. She laughs about it now.

    Reply

  25. they didn’t have pregnancy kits back in my day, but i just KNEW within a day or two.
    i always check out shit my dad says—-simply hilarious.
    his latest: “The universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. That’d be like having a parade every time I took a piss.” hee hee hee

    Reply

  26. It isn’t every day a man wakes up to discover he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weazle. The first time I found out I was going to be a parent. I was stationed in Pascagoula, Mississippi. I called my then newlywed now ex-wife to see if she had received my letters. She stated that she had indeed and she had a big surprise for me but I had to guess. Well my first 20 guesses where way off the mark. Number 21 was, “Is somone pregnant?”, and my next question was “Oh shit! How did that happen?” I hear a click. Then the sound of dial tone. WTF? That should have been my first warning, some women just have no sense of humor. I still get ocassionally stung by my sarcastic candor. The rest is history.

    My favorite site for a laugh or to lift my spirits: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

    Reply

  27. I was having my tarot cards read by my roommate’s, and it was her first time playing with the deck. She had me draw a card at random, and she then she looked in her book for the card’s meaning. I had pulled the pregnancy card…huh. That’s funny, because I can’t get pregnant.

    So we tried again. Put the card randomly in the deck, shuffled, pulled another card. Well, we thought it was another card. Turns out it was the pregnancy card again.

    By this time my fiancee had walked into the room, noticed what was going on, and decided to solve the problem for us…he’d pull the next card and see what was up. Pregnancy card again. And again.

    Not one to question fate, I went out to get a test. To hell with biological probabilities, defective plumbing, and quack doctors, miracles happen every day! And sure enough…the tarot knew. Not only was I pregnant, it was with twins (both my future husband and I pulled the preggo card twice in our “experiment” for further freaky evidence).

    I haven’t “played” with tarot since…and I only have two kids. Coincidence? I think not.

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  30. Almost 21 yrs agon (wow!) I walked past the bathroom where, unbeknownst to me, my bride was staring at a plastic stick with pee on it. She started shouting (screaming?) “Look at this! Look at this!” In full defensive mode I replied, “I didn’t do it!” in an attempt to evade responsibiltiy for whatever was wrong. But, of course, I had done it.

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  31. Oh boy do I remember that day. My wife had stopped using birth control pills the month before. We decided to take a “whatever happnes, happens” approach. I agreed after she told me it would probably take her a year to get pregnant.

    So the very next month she pees on the stick and it comes back positive. No freaking way.

    I made her take another one, which was also positive.

    Then I called a buddies wife who was pregnant and asked her if she’d had false positives.

    Not satisifed with her answer I called the 800 number on the box. Sure, false negatives happen 1% of the time, but there must be something wrong with the tests if it’s showing false positives, right?

    The 800 number lady assured me the test was accurate and there were no recalls on the lot numbers for our tests.

    Ever the analytical type and determined to prove we had a bad batch, I pee’d on the last stick in the pack. It was, of course, negative.

    Holy crap.

    Five days later my wife had her appendix removed instead of going to see Depeche Mode with some of her girlfriends. She was discharged from the hospital on her 30th birthday.
    The Peanut was born the following summer.

    Reply

  32. The first one was a big deal but after that you get used to it. We currently have two split-tails. A 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. When I found out she was pregnant I told her it better be a boy or I’d cut her head off. She reminded that the man determines the sex, blah, blah, blah. I said, “Whatever toots. Put a stem on it this time or it’s off with your head.” Our third will be here in about a month. A boy.

    Reply

  33. Jeff, that’s great that they are playing your adopted hometown. I am so goddamned excited that Wilco added a Pittsburgh date to their tour. I’m mostly broke but will check the couch cusions, car ashtray and dirty laundry for enough money to make it to that one. Their last album has been on heavy rotation here lately.

    No kids here, and that’s probably a good thing at this point in time; I never thought I would want any but as I’m getting older I think it would be kinda cool to have a son to pass some things on to (for some reason, I have a hunch that if I did have a kid with someone, it would be a boy). I’m still young enough that a kid is a slight possibility.

    On the living room stereo (again) — “Reptile Style” — The Reigning Sound

    Reply

  34. I was in the bath when my wife told me she was pregnant.
    I remember that the water got cold before I got out.

    Hey! Alli has hit the U.K.!!
    Its selling for £40 for 80 pant soiling capsules.
    How does that compare to U.S prices?
    Will it ever be a good deal, ever?

    Reply

  35. My “oh shit” moments involving pregnancy tests have all come during the 3-5 minute wait after peeing on the stick. Also in that 3-5 minute window were numerous pleas to whatever/whomever might be out there in that Great Expanse. Said pleas usually involved a deal something like, “If it’s negative, I promise to never, ever, ever do something so stupid again. Please, please, please, pretty please let it be negative.” And the plastic messenger always came through for me.

    My sister, on the other hand, tried desperately for a number of years to have a child, without success, and I always felt a little guilty being on the opposite side, begging not to be pregnant.

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  43. I’ve actually stumbled across a couple of “numbers stations” while playing around with a shortwave radio in the middle of the night. It’s very creepy to hear, knowing that it’s a coded message being sent by some spy agency, to be de-coded by a spy; and probably for evil purposes.

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  45. I know, Swami! It gives me the willies, but at the same time it’s totally cool. I love weird mysteries like that!

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  46. Hey Jeff do you know you live 340 miles away from my house?(give or take 6 or 7:)
    First time the better half delivered the blessed news over breakfast that our first freeloader was on the way made the classic mistake of asking who the father was? soon found out that pancakes & syrup make a lousy hat!
    Whenever I can tear myself away from WSVR: Heclerspray.com fark.com and asylum.com for news & entertainment. when you guys are listening to your I pods I’m listening to OTR.net and finally for those of you with British Heritage who really want to know what your ancestors were up to: oldbaileyonline.org

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  47. Seems like the male reaction of asking who the father could be is a very common means of that male dealing with the gravity of the situation via humor. And seems that the female reaction of being highly offended by the male reaction, and reacting with some form of physical or verbal violence, is also quite common. I wonder if any sociologists have done a study of these common reactions. I’d say it’s an area ripe for further research.

    Reply

  48. I’ve been pregnant 9 times, but only have 2 children. Secret #1 was pregnancy #5 – by that time, seeing the positive stick only sent me into a tizzy of nervousness. Also, by that time, we knew to keep it to ourselves until after 12 weeks. However, I knew I was pregnant with him right directly after we did the deed and I knew it was a boy. He was born 3 mos early, 2lbs, 5oz. He will be 12 in about 3 weeks and besides being a sullen pre-teen is a really great kid. Secret #2 was pregnancy #9. I really wanted some wine, but decided to pee on the stick – even though I was 5 days away from “missing” my monthly friend. It was positive in a nanosecond. I met the Evil Twin at the door when he got home from work and we just hoped for the best. I injected blood thinner into my belly over 500 times to keep her to full term – 39 weeks! She’ll be 4 next month.

    Reply

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