I’m a mess. I’ve got a cold, which is dragging me down, and my lower back has been hurting for two days. Ironically, I started a week’s vacation yesterday. Classic, huh?
I have a formidable to-do list, but just want to stretch out on the couch and watch Netflix. So far I’ve resisted the siren song of the sofa, but am weakening with each passing moment. I’m going to be piled up in there within the hour, watching the Harry Nilsson documentary. You can bet the fat farm on it.
On Friday and Saturday I spent roughly 16 hours hunched over a machine at work, correcting bad data that had been entered by people with little attention to detail. And now my back is destroyed. I could barely get out of bed this morning, and nearly did a header into the wall trying to put on underwear after my shower. I’m walking around like a palsy victim, with cartoon lightning bolts of pain shooting out of my back.
I drank an entire pot of coffee, though. And made (and ingested) two really kick-ass ham sandwiches. Are you familiar with Cooper cheese? I don’t know what it is, exactly, but do know it’s really freakin’ good. Toney buys it at Wegmans, and it has the power to transform a mediocre sandwich into something special.
I also unloaded the dishwasher. The top shelf wasn’t a problem, but the bottom shelf repeatedly made me grimace and hurl profanity at the universe. I consider that project to be my biggest accomplishment of the day. In lieu of congratulatory gift baskets and flower arrangements, I request that you make a donation to my favorite charity: Assholes Without Borders. Thank you.
A few nights ago at work someone made a Viagra joke, as folks are wont to do. Another person said, “Cialis is better, because it lasts for 48 hours.” A guy in his early twenties shouted, “48 hours?! How could you live your life? How could you go to work??” He thought it caused a 48 hour erection. Heh.
Then we launched into various scenarios in which a two-day boner would cause problems.
“You’d definitely have to sleep on your back,” somebody said. “No, you could also sleep on your side,” I offered. “It would be like a kickstand.”
And somebody said something about turning around inside a Pier 1 store, and sweeping a shelf-full of wine glasses into the floor. That one killed me. Yes, I’m 50 years old. What of it?
I’ll try to do better tomorrow, but I’m going to have to leave you guys now, with that as the question: What complications would a 48 hour erection cause? Use the comments link below, to describe the scenarios. I hope the Pulitzer committee is paying attention, I really do.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon!
Here’s the link for our Canadian friends
Crowded elevators could be a real problem. Or opportunity, I suppose.
Cialis could help you pole-vault out of bed in the morning.
You could use it to transport cloths on hangers.
Ruthless Dee says
Bonering up to the Thanksgiving table?
Billy Joel says
Assholes without borders already receives a sum of money from me each month to do their important work.
I have the money automatically charged to a credit card, in the event that I might have a 48 hour erection preventing me from writing individual checks to them in a timely manner.
The only complication a 48 hour erection would cause that I can think of is my husband would be SERIOUSLY sore (chafed?) afterwards. 🙂
Swami Bologna says
Are you saying, Stephanie, that if you had a 48-hour erection, you would chafe your husband with it? Interesting….
Damn it…No. Do I really have to ‘splain myself?
madz1962, You know what I meant, right? 🙂
You guys and gals crack me up!
I have a laundry list of back problems and I just turned 29 yesterday. Pretty sad huh? It all stems from having scoliosis and having rods put in my spine as a kid, now as an adult I am having all sorts of back issues. I am in pain every single day. Tried everything to get relief. Recently got a cortisone shot, it helped a little.
Birds constantly perching.
Happy birthday, tr
Every porno flick wound cast you as pinnochio. Totally wooden . Imagine the splinters.
Would. Stoopy phone.
IDK, pinnochio… wooden… it made sense to me!
Miss Q says
Stoopy phone? Heh.
Riding a subway during rush hour would be awkward.
As would a trip to the tailor.
Minor inconvenience, but you’d have to tilt your steering wheel up out of the way. Of course if it was horizontal already (like in a bus) every time you turned it might sound like a meaty roulette wheel.
It would be difficult to look through the peephole in your front door.
Heaven help you if you were a nudist with a dog who loves fetch.
You’d have to stay was from sliding glass doors.
It would be great for swimming. Like a keel on a racing yacht.
Ruthless Dee says
My ass is on the floor……totally laughed it off.
The peephole one got me! Good stuff, Jorge.
Meaty roulette wheel! I’ve got that picture in my head now..
Jorge, your comments win the internet today. I’m with Deb; I like the idea of the meaty roulette wheel. LMAO!
“meaty roulette wheel” – Brilliant. I’m crying over that one!
‘meaty roulette wheel’ = me cracking a big DBGrin
Gotta get a wee bit more specific on the miracle cheese, Jeff,
Its Cooper (brand) CV Sharp. A white deli slicing cheese and yes, it kicks ass on sandwiches. As far as I know its a regional thing. Did I mention I share your justified high praise of it.
Plain cooper (type not brand) cheese is a utterly bland mild form of yellow-orange cheddar-ish cheese, mostly distinguishable by its usual half-moon shape when sold pre-packaged, as opposed to the normal rectangular block.
It has no real taste and it seems to be more of a choice for color variation on a cheese tray. Or a choice for those who want the sensation of eating cheese, without any of the flavor.
Damn, now I want a cheese sandwich, but that much dairy would slam my system shut for days and completely ruin the big eating holiday…
It’s this stuff:
Coupled with todays bunker pic, it would make poking the produce more interesting…
If you got arrested and had to strip down for inspection.
You are delivering/working at a battered womens shelter.
You are an elementary school teacher.
Lori in Cbus says
if I had a boyfriend, I’m would get him this Cialis because I want a 48hr Sit N Spin!
A hard man is good to find 😉
Miss Q says
That was groan-worthy.
My computer keyboard is on a slide-out tray. A 48-hour boner might interfere with that. In the kitchen, the boner might accidentally contact the Cooper cheese.
Sorry to hear about the vacation cold, Jeff. That happened to me a couple of months ago.
You could point to the meat at the butchers and still hold onto your groceries.
If you duct tape your house key to the end, you could open the door (holding the meat and groceries), but spinning the knob would still be a trick…however, that would be a good selling point for your new porno movie career.
Just give it a half twist pre crank before you insert it.
You could ring a door bell while carrying two arm loads of groceries.
That would be awkward. After my wife finished reading the newspaper behind my head, what would I do for the next 47 hours and 45 minutes?
Call the neighbor? Hey, Bob, send Carol over. I took a Cialis and have 47 and a half hours of boner left. By the way, how’s your sister? And, how old is your daughter that’s in college?
Bill in WV says
You could be the main prop for a 48 hour T-ball tournament.
i have an old pharmacist’s treatment for severe colds.
three aspirin ( that’s right, three–it acts as an anti-inflammatory.)
big spritz of afrin (or equivalent)
and two teaspoonfuls of hycodan cough syrup (if you can coax your dr. into writing for it.) this has a chemical in it which will dry up your mucous membranes and make you feel less stuffy. this is on rx only because it harms the unborn child and i don’t think you’re pregnant. also, it contains a restricted drug. heh.
My God, Dorothy. I kept reading, waiting to see how you were going to turn your severe cold treatment into an antidote for a two-day banger.
With regard to cold treatments, the cold will last as long as it wants to, so you have to treat symptoms to mitigate discomfort along the way. My advice is pretty close to Dorothy’s. ALWAYS save your dental and other hydrocodone and oxycodone for a cold. Every four to six hours, take 5-10 mg of opiate, a big slug of Robitussin DM, 1,000 mg of aspirin (three pills), and a cheap antihistamine. Wash it down with the equivalent of two ounces (or a little more) whisky. After two weeks of suffering, go to the doc and get a high-end antibiotic to ward off secondary bacterial infection. Drink plenty of non-caffeinated tea if you like it.
Hope you feel better soon, Jeff.
Personally I save the leftover opiates for severe pain, like a cracked tooth. But that’s a judgment call.
I have gotten the Robitussin AC prescription cough syrup (is that the same as hycodan?) and it works like a champ – one spoonful and the cough is GONE. Shame it doesn’t last longer. But this stuff shows up the DM for the joke it is.
Whisky is, of course, always a good idea. Pro tip: look for the phrase “cask strength”.
Practical cold advice: Sleep as much as possible. When not sleeping, drink a lot of water. Keep a selection of OTC meds around; I’ll do a hit of NyQuil before lying down. If you have aches, don’t be shy with the aspirin or ibuprofen. Benadryl will keep the passages clear, but it dries you out. In the combo pills, watch out for acetaminophen – a relatively small overdose can kill you, or make you wish it had. Mucinex works well for coughs and congestion, if you don’t gag on that horse pill (hi Stephanie).
But…but…but…I don’t HAVE a gag refl…
the only difference in my recipe is the homatropine in the hycodan. this is critical if you don’t want to keep kleenex stuffed in your nostrils to keep from dripping on your food. as far as i know, this is the only compound that has this ingredient. the oxycodone plus the homatropine work synergistic ally to provide maximum comfort. heh.
Ooooh YEAH, Dorothy! Hycodan is the SHIT! They gave it to me when I had bronchitis a few years back. A huge bottle. AND with a refill! Thanks Doc! That stuff is liquid gold.
Never Mind the Bollocks says
Taking a piss would be the worst. I would have to lean over the toilet and arch my back like a dam cat in heat just to get my stream to make it inside the porcelin hoop instaed of the wall.
Or I could just drop my sweat pants and let it flow off the back deck while drinking a morning cup of coffee. GOOD MORNING NEIGHBOR!!!
For me it would be hunger and solitude as my wife would stay away from me for 48 hours.
Endless boners here..
Welp…there’s nothing bad about a 48 hour woody. I’d be full of splinters while whittling it down to a pencil.
You’d have a great hoola-hoop act for the kiddies too.
John in the gump says
More Further Complications,
If You Are A Gym Teacher.
A Greeter At Walmart.
A Member Of The Clergy.
A Car Salesman.
A PoolBoy (Unwanted Advances)
A Politician At A Debate .
The Possibilites Abound.
Sorry For All The Dammmm Capitols. Fornicating Autocorrect