Someone told me that three teenagers bought a baby doll at Toys R Us over the weekend, filled it with strawberry jelly, and threw it out the window of a car traveling southbound on Interstate 81.
I don’t know if it’s true (I have my doubts), but it’s the kind of thing my friends and I would’ve thought about doing, planned to do while drunk, then vetoed the next morning. You can say what you want, but we usually knew where to draw the line. I mean, you’re asking for a twelve car pileup and a prison sentence with some shit like that.
But for a few hours, with Van Halen II cranking and nine Old Milwaukees sloshing around in our bellies, we would’ve been hollering “It’s genius! We HAVE to do it!! It MUST be done!”
We hatched countless questionable plots under such circumstances, and I thank God we were procrastinating drunks… By the time we actually got around to following through, we usually realized it might not be such a great idea after all. If we’d been go-getters, who knows what might have happened? I’d probably be covered in jailhouse tattoos today, and have a butthole like a Mickey’s Big Mouth.
I hope the baby doll story isn’t real (even though I laughed when I heard it), because it’s one of those things that should remain in the Rolodex of Drunken Ideas, and never actually implemented. I mean seriously. I do have to give them credit for the jelly, though. That’s a nice touch.
Yesterday morning I poured myself a cup of coffee, used fart-power to propel me to my computer, and saw that Clive Bull mentioned Crossroads Road on Twitter. For a few seconds I thought I was having a mild stroke. I love Clive, and the thought of him actually reading my novel… and enjoying it(!), was almost too much to process.
He actually tweeted twice about the book, and you can read the messages here and here. Pure awesomeness. Thanks, Clive! I’m thrilled that you liked the novel. It made my day.
And I watched an interesting documentary on Netflix Instant over the weekend, called Shut Up, Little Man! Are you familiar with it? It’s about a couple of guys who were roommates in San Francisco, during the 1980s. They lived in a dumpy apartment, with thin walls, and a couple of always-arguing alcoholics lived next door. One was gay, the other was not, and they hollered at each other deep into the night, every day of the week.
One of them always yelled “Shut up, little man!” and their arguments were hilarious. So, the two roommates began recording them, and giving their friends copies of the tapes. Before they knew it, the recordings became an underground phenomenon, and were copied millions of times.
I remember reading about the tapes, back during my zine-publishing days, but never actually heard them. It’s a good movie. I love stuff like that. It’s similar to Winnebago Man, another crazy-ass documentary available on Netflix.
And I hate to cut this one short, but I don’t have a choice in the matter. Before I go, though… Toney and I were talking about dating websites over the weekend, and how people undoubtedly lie about themselves, or massage the truth, at the very least.
She said, “The reason we’re so good together, is because of things people probably wouldn’t want to advertise. Like: making fun of people. Who would put that on their profile? ‘I enjoy going to malls and stores, and mocking the other people there.’ Nobody! We probably wouldn’t have found each other, if we’d used a dating website.”
What do you think about that? I think she’s on to something. Also, what would a TRUTHFUL profile of yourself look like? Please post it in the comments, if you’re so inclined. Or, if you prefer, you can post a truthful profile of an ex, or a co-worker. Whatever’s cool with me.
This could be fun, or a bust, I can’t predict it…
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow, I hope. Wednesdays are a challenge, but I’ll try to get ‘er done.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Tipsey McChugney says
I wanted to be last today….dammit!
Jersey Scott says
That’s crazy — The wife and I also just watched “Shut Up Little Man” this weekend. We liked it too, though I wasn’t familiar with the tapes. I thought it was cool that these recordings first took off when the guys that recorded them just decided to include them on mix tapes they made for friends — that really took me back to an 80’s/early 90’s state of mind. I guess “Shut Up Little Man” was the West Coast equivalent of the “Tube Bar” tapes.
WB in OH says
Hmmm, dating profile…
Miss Q says
Toney’s right. My hubby and I would never have chosen one another from a dating website. My profile (truthful profile, that is) would have read: Just enough energy to make a decent living, but no real ambition. His: like to drink too much on the weekends and HATE romantic dinners out.
Chuck in Belpre says
A couple guys I worked with at Corning dressed a headless dead deer in a flannel shirt and old jeans and tossed it out along a local highway. I guess it caused some angst with the 911 center until a deputy sheriff dragged it off the road.
In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, “I don’t care who you are, THAT is funny!”
I’ve been brutally honest in dating profiles before. If I do get contacted it usually goes like this.
Why do you like midgets so much?
Because they’re awesome.
you know they are people too?
So you’re not going to fuck me are you?
Well I never!
As an experiment I will post an honest profile tonight. I’ll copy it here and we’ll see how it goes.
I’m a highly-functioning alcoholic, with a good job. I have a tendency to use very bad language. I laugh at others misfortune. Seeking a woman way out of my league, preferably with no vocal chords or limited English.
You throw something in there about midgets and having a pussy that make an alpaca look like Kojak and you might have mine word for word.
I doubt I’d have met my husband on a dating website. I’m totally not his physical type (though he’d nicely argue that with me, bless his heart) and we have some diametrically opposing viewpoints on some Very Important Issues. However, neither of us are the all-or-nothing type of person, and so can have interesting conversations about crap we don’t agree on, and both walk away feeling like we’ve ‘won,’ in general.
I do like Miss Q’s description of herself, so I’m nabbing that. Also would have to mention something about how I find fart jokes funny, and spent far too much time playing Tempest as a college kid. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that…
Y’all just made me really glad they didn’t have dating websites back in my day.
WB in OH says
SWM seeks SWF
Candidate should make at least six figures or have a substantial trust fund to support me as I plan to quit my job and lay around the house drinking beer in the winter or spend every daylight hour in the summer drinking beer and playing golf.
Please send copies of your tax returns for the last three years.
SWF, post menopausal, seeking orphaned, family-less, childless SWM. Soul mate will possess beachfront property with well stocked wine cellar. Unlimited funds. Penchant to travel the islands (not Staten or Long). Spectacular ass. Warped sense of humor a must.
Madz, your SWM will be even harder to find if you add the restriction (not Fire) to the list.
But, ‘wine cellar’ and ‘spectacular ass’ almost demands ‘Fire’ be in the descriptor. 🙂
I’ve heard people many times in my life say to me…”What an ass.”
I don’t come close to meeting those specs and I suspect the other male reporters fall a tad short as well. In fact, I know only one man who qualifies. Let me know if you want me to hook you up…
Writing a description is harder than I thought it would be.
So far this is all I got;
SWM seeks SWF. No fatties! If I can’t lift you, I don’t want you.
Shallow Al. =-)
I’ll have to revist later if I can clean it up…
Dating profile: Control freak with negative attitude, full of anxiety, dislikes 98% of society, judgmental, condescending, poor, enjoys making fun of other people. What a catch I would be!
Wow, you sound like a guy I know who just quit from my company. “Just”, as in “yesterday.” In addition to the above, he is smart and funny and named Andy.
you sound like my type andy!
Damn, sounds just like me!
Ditto! Ever considered a career in writing honest profiles for other people?
I knew a guy in college who had some harebrained schemes, but many were actually implemented. The ones I can recall right now were a) making thermite to use for opening a padlocked desk drawer when he could have just lifted up the desk top; b) building a 6-foot-tall digital grandfather clock out of surplus relays; c) riding a motorcycle across China in the 1990s.
My honest online dating profile would have to have something about beer and unfinished projects. Maybe more.
Loser with a life history of Alcoholism and Borderline Personalty Disorder. Unemployed, lives with mother. Looking for attractive active woman who enjoys elevator music and multiple orgasms.
i love elevator music
I did a spit-take. Funniest reply/comment of the month.
Phil Jett says
Middle aged man who hates pretty much everyone he meets and has no problem telling them to their face. If you want to give it a try go ahead and contact me.
Swami Bologna says
Speaking of quirky documentaries, this one is quite good: http://www.resurrectdead.com/
My husband and I would never be eHarmony matches. My profile would probably read SWF, sarcastic, pudgy, short, dry sense of humor, has severe night terrors so nights will always be interesting, terrible housekeeping habits, prefers to read over anything else, hates walks in the sun seeks SWM who is independently wealthy and is willing to let me be a housewife with a maid and a cook.
hy husband and i are complete opposites in every way. we would never in a millkon years be matched up on a site. we both had an instant attraction to each other and that was pretty much it lol. a few years later i look at him now and im like dang hes annoying but hes hot…
i accually got hooked up with the following discription of me
60 ish,old,fat,bald,unemployed,with small penis
ad was answered several times
usually in every couple there is the pretty 1, and the yeesh one
i was usually the pretty 1
1 responder said please not shower for few days before next date, because she liked her men to smell like men
another 1 said we had be careful because her ex husband was psycotic and had habit of ignoring restraining order
as everyone in wv knows nothing says, ”i love you,” like a restraining order
other answered just to see if i was as bad as described,or a joker
some were nice with fun sense of humor
and that was the top 2
still not found keeper
Short, fat and ugly. Beer drinkin, snuff dippin, loud-mouthed SOB!
I posted that I sometimes pee on the toilet. It never got me laid
Big Bear in OH says
The ad that led me to the (soon to be) missus basically said that I was a redneck with a penchant for firearms and that I’d probably love my truck more than I could ever love a woman. And it reeled them in like bluegill on a piece of white bread with a hook in the middle. I told them I was a private person, and they loved the mystery. I told them I was not much to look at and they saw a fixer-upper. And the one that I ended up with couldn’t care less. She’s gun shopping right now, and is perfect for me. People like honesty, I guess. Sure worked good for me this last time.
Okay, sickest prank my buudies and I did was to make a dummy out of old clothes filled with newspaper. Two of us “walked” him down the sidewalk after school one day and pushed it into the path of an oncoming car. We then beat feet outta there as fast as we could run!
Another prank we used to do was tie a purse to the end of a fishing pole line. We’d put the purse on the highway, then hide in the bushes with the fishing pole. As soon as someone would stop, reach down to get the purse, we’d reel it in.
Not my best work but:
I’m a 35 yr old overweight average height guy with a poorly managed drinking problem. I have a degree in Engineering which I use very effectively to sit on my ass at a desk and write manuals that any dullard who passed 9th grade English could write, but apparently 7th graders don’t understand.
Overall I’m fairly uninteresting. I’d like to say I’m into live music and good beer and that I like to read and build robots but at the end of the day I’m pretty happy sitting on the couch watching Always Sunny, Walking Dead, Big Bang Theory, or How I met your mother with a PBR or some cheap wine.
I’ve never been married, I’ve had a few relationships end pretty spectacularly.
I’ve lived in 3 time zones, and about 8 states. 12 if you count, drunk, really drunk, in jail, and rap battle loser.
I’m looking for a girl who is comfortable in her own skin. I prefer she not have extra skin. I don’t mean no fat chicks, but if you were fat and now have extra flaps I’ve seen it and no thanks. You have to be able to say you don’t or do want to do something. I don’t want to hear in 3 years that the only reason you went to baseball games with me is because I wanted you to. Have a spine.
You need to be a non-smoker, and not an occasional smoker.
You need to not be offended by the word**** (See You Next Tuesday)
You can’t be afraid of flying, laughing at yourself, or shots.
When you say shots, do you mean the typethat require a glass or the type that require a needle?
Yes, glass, or small dixie cup type device.
My ad would be several paragraphs. As you get older, the list grows longer and you put up with less bullshit.
48 y.o. SWF, green eyes, blonde hair until roots show. Looks younger than stated age. Could stand to lose 20 lbs so don’t expect bikini’s and camel toe shorts. Seeking SWM. Biker-type guy with a backbone. Works hard, plays hard. Great sense of humor that “gets it” is a must. Animal lover. Likes “shot and a beer” bars but doesn’t live in one. Likes Country music.
Mommy’s boys need NOT apply. I am not going to be your mother but I will be your cougar.
That last line ought to be on a t-shirt.
I agree. 100% poetic greatness.
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m at that awkward stage between cougar and jailbait”. Cracked me up.
I’ll let “Bloom County” field this question:
“Single, sincere, white female, 43. Wishes to meet single, sincere, limber Eskimo who’s into tattoos, bananas, gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, cactus, sleeping with large tomatoes. And snake wrestling in Jell-O pudding. No freaks.”
That’s a good one too!
MWM, somehow reached 50 years old. Balding and a little to chunky, yet can look in mirror and convince myself I look good. Searching for someone with nice boobs and the desire to prove to me every day (although could settle for every other day) her love for me by having sex in a variety of ways. Must love a man with a tongue that won’t quit. Age unimportant. Ability to cook a must.
Uhhhh Davey Jones?
He took the Last Train to Clarksville.
Marcia Brady is going to have to find another date for the prom.
We have someone on here, can’t remember her name, who was/is a huge Monkees fan. Too bad she’ll only be able to mark the hour of his passing every four years.
When Davy reached the Pearly Gates and got his first glimpse of Jesus, I wonder if he thought “Now I saw His face. Now I’m a Believer!”
There goes my chance at seeing a Monkees reunion concert. That’s a tough way to get something off my bucket list.
Swami Bologna says
Maybe now David Bowie can go back to using his real name.
RIP, everybody’s favorite death-metal icon. Wait, that can’t be right. Never mind.
Surely you mean Davy Jones of the Monkees!
Tall, thin, middle aged woman. Looks like a 51 year old woman who used to look good before the bud light and child rearing took its toll. Still have a nice ass. Hates people, loves dogs. Feels superior to Christians and fat people. Hates rednecks who say “I heard dat.” Hates inane banter such as “hot enough for ya” and other stupidly pointless statements. Can smile while counting in my head how long a person talks for in seconds ” one mississippi, two mississippi. . .” Not typical female. Hate weddings and other stupid exercises closely held by females. Will cut grass while you drink beer on the front porch and am proud of it. Hates hipsters. Actually hates just about everything, especially humanity.
Favorite things to do: Drink Bud Light. Smoke six cigarettes a day. Sitting around doing nothing. Watching the same movies over and over and over. Can easily fluctuate between high brow and Goldie Hawn movies. Likes dogs and and claim to be an environmentalist but drive a BMW SUV and loves it. Can be very materialistic.
Only want a man around when I want him around then you have to leave and know when to leave. Expect you to be totally traditional male when it comes to facing the cold while I stay warm such as fixing a flat in zero degree weather while I sit in the car. Must have intelligence, sense of humor, hairy chest, large penis and money.
I’m a bitch and pretending to be otherwise backfires in the extreme. But I will give you sex anytime and am a very, very naughty girl.
Damn. I’m not even a man and I’d date you.
On second thought, it’d never work because if we ever had a flat tire, our frozen bodies would be discovered (weeks later, after the thaw) stubbornly rooted to our seats waiting in vain for the other to change the tire.
Forget I said anything.
Well, you know you could get naked and under the same blanket for warmth.
You had me at ass.
You had me until “large penis”.
If he says he has a large penis, he is lying. I he says he has a small penis he is telling the truth.
I used to get a lot of dates with my ex-wife’s girlfriends who were hard of hearing. She told them “Clint is a big dick.” What they mistakenly heard was “Clint has a BIG dick.”
I’ve always heard the saying as….
If a man says he has a large penis he has a small penis, and if he says he has a small penis, he has a small penis.
feels superior to Christians and fat people.
Well, half the US just fell off your FB friends list, I guess.
Aside for the fact that I love cats and not dogs, we would be best friends.
I am noticing some common themes. If we ever did have the THEWVSR.com party it would have to be at a place where hotel rooms were available. I meant for the drinking. Reporters can fuck wherever they want.
Short, painfully average sturdy girl seeks geeky straight guy to hang out and act stupid. Not interested in long walks on the beach or candlelight dinners. Lives in ratty t-shirt and boxer shorts when not pretending to be an adult. Prefers books to people, so will only hang out sporadically. Must be willing to “find a place to be and BE THERE” when I don’t feel like hanging out.
Must have friends of his own and NEVER, EVER call me his ‘Soul Mate’.
hey – I’m free Saturday. Want to hang out? 🙂
I’m sold. Bring it.
SWM seeks SF.
Essential qualifications: <160 lbs, horny and a non-smoker.
Asset qualification: pure hatred of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Weight and smoking are negotiable.
Mine would be:
Moderately short with dark brown hair and eyes. Finally at an average weight after 3 years. I fingers are still stubby. I hate rollercoasters, and emo kids in the mall food court scare me. I love cheese and chocolate. I play guitar and piano, mainly Beatles songs. I used to wear a green wool hat and red bellbottoms to school with a vintage Monkees shirt when I was in 8th grade. I really like cats. Take it or leave it.
I also like beer. Beer is good.
I also like mowing the lawn, hate cooking, love cleaning, I have an obbsession with carbonated drinks (tonic water especially), and could get down on a lot of gin and tonics if they didn’t give me such a bad hangover.
Ben is a lucky guy.
I think I would have to add: Must enjoy bathing.
I was behind some smelly bastard in line getting lunch. At first I thought it was my soup – you know how unwashed pits have almost the same scent as chicken Soup? But I had Old Fashioned Tomato so I realized it was Mr Pungeant Pits in front of me.
OMG, my husband thinks I’m crazy every time I say someone smells like soup but they do! Campbells Chicken Noodle and bo bear a striking resemblance in the olfactory sense.
On a similar note, I realized just a few years ago that really good Mexican food smells like feet. I think it’s the coriander. But I still like good Mexican food.
We always get these stank-ass patients in the office with BO that smells of onions left out on the deli counter. Can people not smell themselves? I don’t get it.
On the themes of tasteless pranks……… My stepbrother once told me of a good, sick, twisted one he pulled as a kid a few decades ago.
He and some of his adolescent buddies stole a dummy / scarecrow off of a porch around Halloween.
They then took this hapless dummy off to a less traveled road, one with brush and trees on both sides, and light traffic……. like a car every ten minutes. Also, no street lights, and cars tended to travel a bit too fast for the road.
The placed the dummy facedown on the far side of the road…… with it’s head on the white line, and took two long pieces of fishing line, and tied one end of each line to the dummy’s wrists. They then went to the other side of the road, and waited for their “mark”………lol.
Needless to say, timing was important…… when they heard a car coming in the distance, they would slowly pull one line, then the other……….. the effect was of someone crawling across the road……. of course the speeding car’s driver would see the “person” crawling across the road at the last second, slam on the brakes, and run over the hapless dummy.
What happened next was what amused the perps most though. Some people would bring their car to a smoking, screeching stop – get out and run excitedly back to the dummy, to see if it had “lived”………. some would then go balistic, screaming obscenities……. and some others would slam on the brakes, run over the dummy, and simply PUNCH the gas and take off – thinking they had just killed someone and were gonna get in trouble for no insurance, record, or whatever.
At any rate, I could picture the whole thing in my mind when he told me of the incident, and it caused more than a few dark, morbid, chuckles. Heh.
CindiK in VA says
1. I like Mint Juleps and long walks to the toilet and back to the couch or patio
2. My freezer is full of diet meals and my fridge is fulll of olives stuffed with various pickled savories
3. You better be good to my dogs and love them like your own children-whom I’m sure I will despise
4. I will never be financialy embroiled in any way with you, so if you are planning a scam-move on
5. need a T-shirt that says “I hate everyone-but especially you”
6. Dream job: Lotto Winner
7. Unfortunately mired in the mundane
Hard to tell why I am single? Not really….