On Saturday I took the boys fishing, at a nearby lake. It’s quality father/son time that doesn’t include board games, or the chasing of a ball, so sign me up.
Last time we used some kind of ridiculous bait they’d found at Wal-Mart, which I think was meant to lure ocean creatures, like octopus or possibly the elusive sea camel. I don’t know. But, as predicted, we didn’t catch a freaking thing.
Therefore, I insisted we go back to the tried and true: grub worms. They’re not as nasty as night crawlers, or minnows, or things like that. Plus, they work. What a concept! I’m not really a fan of the continuous, unnecessary experimentation.
So, we went to a bait shop way out in the wilderness somewhere. We’d been there before, and purchased grubs from them; they were our super-secret, always-reliable grub hookup.
When we pulled onto the parking lot some kid came careening out of my peripheral vision on a bicycle, and rode straight through the store’s front door, which was propped-open.
I’d never seen a person ride a bike into a convenience store before, especially at such a high rate of speed. I expected to find someone inside with their head driven through a Doritos display. But, unfortunately, it didn’t happen.
Turns out it had been a girl, approximately twelve years old, all tomboyed-up. And, while standing next to her at the counter, I noticed she could’ve used the following:
- at least one additional hygiene product
- a support garment
I asked the guy behind the cash register if they had any grub worms, and he told me they’re hard to find this summer. What?! What does that mean? How could it be?? I always got them when Bush was president, so it must be Obama’s fault, right?
He sold me a tub of night crawlers, which I’d gone out of my way to avoid. I reluctantly handed him my money, sighed theatrically, and the l’il (stinky & pointy) Jodie Foster said, “Hope y’all caitch somethin’!” Thick-ass Southern accent…
The whole thing was quite disconcerting.
We went to the lake, and it was way too crowded. We were practically standing shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers, and everybody’s lines kept getting crossed. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but I kept my bitching to a minimum.
The night crawlers were huge, and the older Secret started cutting them into sections with a pair of scissors from the tackle box. Cutting the bastards like ribbon, while still alive! The poor things. They’d probably been minding their own business in a field somewhere, and now some kid was dismembering them, impaling ’em with a hook, and repeatedly flinging them into deep water.
And I sometimes complain about my day?
We didn’t caitch anything, and nobody else did either. Fish aren’t THAT stupid. I mean, there were probably two hundred people around that lake, all attempting the exact same scam. I suspect the fish were way out in the middle, shaking the front one-third of their bodies in amusement.
After we gave up on our fishy dreams, I asked the boys and Toney (she’d taken a walk while we’d gone John Wayne Gacy on the worms) if they wanted to go to a nearby ice cream shop.
This place is WAY off the beaten path. It’s on the grounds of a dairy farm way up an obscure road, and is kind of a dump. But the ice cream is incredibly fresh and good. It’s well worth seeking-out, and we’ve been there many times.
So, we each ordered a cone with a freakin’ softball-sized scoop on top, and took a seat at one of the picnic tables outside. Ahhh… there’s nothing quite like eating frozen dairy products while smelling the shit of the very cows that produced it. Mister, that’s livin’.
While enjoying our cones, a car with New York plates pulled into the parking lot, and an enormous man emerged. He was wearing shorts, flip-flops, a Gilligan hat, and nothing else. He had no shirt, and his torso was just an avalanche of cascading flab.
He waddled around for a few minutes, snapping photos and plucking the legs of his shorts out of his crotch. His pants rode up in the middle, fully and completely, with every two or three strides of his massive sausage legs.
Finally he went inside the shop, and the four of us started making bets about what he’d buy. And I was the winner, I’m proud to announce. The dude came out with a gargantuan $5.95 banana split.
That evening Toney and I each enjoyed a full ration of the golden elixir, while preparing a holiday deck feast. We had more food than was necessary, which is the only way to go, and ate dinner outside.
After dark the boys went into the backyard and detonated about thirty dollars worth of shitty Grade C fireworks. But they enjoyed it, and Toney and I watched from the deck. With frosty Yuenglings in-hand.
It was an almost perfect 4th of July. We had a great time, and the weather couldn’t have been better. It turned out to be what you always think a holiday weekend will be like, and almost never is. Know what I mean?
What did you do for the holiday? Anything exciting? Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
no way
Tada!
Woot, woot, woot!!
Fuck it!
“Stinky & Pointy.” I think I drew some wood on that one!
Long live the Tomboy!! All stinky pits and unfortunate chest buds.
As for the Fourth, my best friend from Philly came up for a weekend visit and we showed him the sites of the ‘Burgh. Which was an eyeful indeed considering that the Furries convention was in town ( http://www.wpxi.com/news/19925913/detail.html ). Alas, not one of them was set ablaze by a single firework.
On the Fourth proper we grilled out bbq chicken and whirled sparklers around like retards because I have an intense fear of blowing my hand clear off its wrist with regular fireworks. Hey, I might be a tomboy but I still have my pussy moments.
It rained, ceaselessly, ALL DAMN DAY. Ruined my plans of sitting poolside with the Golden Elixir in hand. So I sat inside, Golden Elixir in hand. It stopped pouring just in time for the Town’s fireworks where someone knocked some over and almost blew up all the technicians. You gotta love rednecks.
Sunday was much better, indeed. Pool, beer, more fireworks.
On the Fourth: nothing. Half the family was out of town on vacation, and the other half is so dysfunctional that nobody invited anyone to do anything together. At 10PM, I went out in the backyard and HEARD the fireworks at the park, but my trees are so tall, now, I couldn’t see a thing. Finished the evening by consuming large amounts of boxwine and Fresca. Yea, mixed together. I call it a guzzler.
watched x-men on tv and drank a bloody mary. was just fine.
Went to the wife’s class reunion Class of ’74.
Drank shots of Crown and worshed them dowm with some Dark Straub beer.yummy.
Right before and right after the 4th, we were heading to MA to visit relatives. I ‘waved’ to you Jeff as we passed through Scranton/Wilkes-Barre on I81. We even stopped at the Sheetz – just across from the Moheagan Sun on the way home.
Did you notice that Peter Frampton is going to be at the Casino in about 2 weeks? Man I think that would be an awesome concert!
The Evil Twin grilled burgers and dogs. We ate way too much, had an afternoon nap (ignored the children), and then we had friends we hadn’t seen in over a decade over for some wine and good times! It was perfect.
It was the 4th of July in Charleston- we did what we’ve done the last three (four?) years: duck the rain.
What, no cell-phone photo of the fat man? I feel deprived.
Well, top 20 a least, OK move along, nothing to see here…
I’m still too traumatized to talk about Saturday. Long story short, it involved a barbecue at a stranger’s house, lots of Bible-thumping conservatives praising Jesus every chance they got, and not nearly enough alcohol as evidenced by the fact that despite my being happy and non-confrontational when I drink, I felt the need to spout off something about the Republican party being hijacked by the religious right. (The shout-outs to Jesus were truly excessive and I lost control.) For a split second, I could hear crickets chirping, and then the apocalypse came…. it weren’t pretty. Funny how those religious folk can become downright un-Christlike quicker than a hooker can get her panties off.
4th of July weekend was one long blur from Thursday night until about 9 am Monday morning. Nuttin’ like finishing off a 3 day weekend with Martini’s at midnight. Still can feel my liver aching.
We went to the lake house and saw some fireworks over Lake Huron. We sat REALLY close to where they were setting them off and it was pretty cool. Those things were exploding right on top of us. We were so close you could see the little parachutes hooked to the burning pieces to keep them afloat after the shell explodes. It was very loud too. Drank a lot beers by the firepit everynight. Wish it was a bit warmer.
“shaking the front one-third of their bodies”
I laughed out loud in my cubicle.
Jeff – Fishing rule number one – 90% of the fish are only in 10% of the water. – Bill Dance
Rule number two – If you see more than one other person fishing, go to another lake.
Rule number three – 90% of fishing is bait presentation. Fish won’t eat it if it don’t look edible or injured.
BTW – Crappie, Spots and Blue Gill run early morning and late evening when bugs are more likely to be around the water surface. But a good father/son male bonding experience outweighs any day fishing unless of course your talking Marlin then all bets are off.
Was at brother’s house in St. Pete over the weekend. Partied A-LOT!! Floated a keg, Jaeger, 12pack of the Elixer and more. That’s vaguely all I remember. LOL!! Good times !!
@ Brynhildr – Sorry to hear you were in a state of spiritual trauma. Watching the pup (shes not really a pup at 3) run along the beach at sunrise was the extent of my spiritual excitement although I do enjoy the solitude somewhat. Gives me time to reflect on my thoughts.
Good God! I’ve tried to post this three times.
On the 4th, we went to a party I was forced to go to. There were 70 people there. I knew 6. It was full of pretentious assholes and fake tits. It was in the penthouse on the 17th floor of a highrise across from Sarasota Bay, where they let off the fireworks. Good food, good fireworks (eye level) and no conversations from me, since I don’t drink and everyone else was (except for the children). Spent most of the time talking to my 12 and 5 year year olds. I can’t bring myself to type the rest for a fourth time.
Did you know- at 12:34 and 56 seconds today, (07/08/09)….I don’t know where that was leading.
On IPOD right now- “Prison Sex”- Tool
4th of July….sneaked out of work under the guise of “science” and went downtown and watched the parade. Later, went on my lunch break to take of free burgers and dogs in the park in the city center. No fireworks…but this IS the land of the midnight sun, hence that would be as worthless as going to an afternoon matinee at a drive-in theatre down in the Lower 48.
All in all, a nice 4th. Hopefully will be spending it in Western NY next year. Man, the people on the East Coast really do know how to celebrate the 4th!
@ Gretchen – I’m gonna disregard that last line.
Playing on the iPod now – “She whispers my name” – Michael Franks
@Shiny Rod: Yeah, you can take it or leave it. 🙂
Hey Pickles, nice to see you back in the mix.
@ Gretchen – Now that sounds like an interesring proposition.
Michael Schenker (with Gary Barden on vocals) was in the vicinity both Friday and Saturday nights, and since he has been my guitar god since I was 13 I felt the need to go to both shows. I almost bowed out of Saturday night, but I’m SO glad I didn’t! The place was ridiculously small, and there was about 100 people there. It was more like a private party than a gig. Got some killer pictures, too. Nothing but classic UFO and MSG. The best playing I’ve seen out of him in 15 years. Awesome.
In other news, we met the Beast’s brother randomly at a Swiss Dog Picnic on Sunday. Good News! Louie isn’t the stupidest one in the family! I think it may be a tie.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Interesting that is…
Took the family to the racetrack to bet on the ponies and watch fireworks (few loud boomers because of the horses). Only won one bet; down $60 on the night.
On Saturday I attended Scott Baio’s funeral. Fonzi had a nice eulogy but Erin Moran came in ‘big’.
Kids are tiny…a scared by our tiny fireworks display. Drank beer and hung with the in-laws and my Pops. Good times.
drive trout lake walk mosquito waterfall hornet swim hamburger scone park silly photographs chairlift drive punk rock
If I had an extra 350 bucks laying around, I would OWN that Further Evidence link…
Shiny Rod — Ain’t nothin’ spiritual about me, those folk, or our shared experience.
Didn’t even leave my apartment on the 4th. Didn’t even shower!
Fireworks shows in the Phoenix area are not for me. I have no desire to fight crowds and sit around in 105 degree heat.
My very first July 4th in the States! Staying at a friends beachouse in Maine drove down on the first stopped off in Wells to buy a sweat shirt because it was freezing! was in the store 5 freaking miniutes came out to find a 25buck meter expired ticket on the car! way to encourage tourists! the Fog rolled in off the ocean like a bad John Carpenter Movie & never left! should have stayed home in Canada & watched the fireworks on T.V. as per usual!!
On the upside I had my first truly awesome religious experience! A New Hampshire Liquor Store!
This feller here was having a good time till the police stopped him!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31795305/ns/us_news-weird_news?GT1=43001
@ Brynhildr – Thats good to know, I was bit concerned with the mention of tramatized. I see you handled it with candor and grace. i was hoping to enhance your smile. How’s the reading coming along?
@ WB in OH – Dammit, I told Jason he was too drunk. He must have went looking for Billy Squire.
Playing on the iPod now – “Before Dawn” – Joyce Cooling
Shiny Rod — no time to read lately. Those people tried to exorcise me for three days. They finally gave up this morning.
I got topless, in somebody’s car, and me and the somebody made out. I also hacked up quite a bit of lung butter throughout my holiday weekend. Fuckin’ pseudo swine flu.
Used to be that same girl- onion pits and all (and was actually compared quite often, and still, to looking like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver)! I never properly bathed myself until the end of 5th grade (and had been “developing” since the 3rd). I remember coming home from school after a rough day thinking to myself/asking mom “Why don’t the other kids like me?” Why didn’t she just answer honestly? Jerk.
@Shiny Rod, That’s funny!
@ Brynhildr – I’m somewhere between nights 10 and 16. I am astonished that they would be that persistant. Wait, no, I’m not. If they only knew what I know about the Bible and it’s origins but I’m not gonna push the subject any further. At least they didn’t call for a Kirk Cameron intervention. Hehe!!!
We bar-b-que’d a ton of meat
(chops/ribs/dawgs/chicken)
because we had family visiting
We later hit Jekyll Island
(Jeff’s old stomping ground .. LOL)
so they could experience fireworks on the beach.
And I proceeded to make another video of the explosions
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9sjiv_jekyll-island-independence-day-2009_travel
.. In case anyone is interested.
Spent the 4th with inlaws, watching the same old fireworks show to the same old twangy ‘Well I’m proud to be an Ammeerriiccaan….’ crap the show is always set to.
Was a little disappointed the alcohol consumption didn’t hit as hard as I hoped. I had purposefully not drank any golden elixirs for two weeks prior in hopes to get crawling drunk on the 4th, but instead I had a slight buzz even after 6 bottles were consumed. Strange….
Now playing on iPhone: The White Stripes, ‘I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely)’
On the 4th we went to a party on the east end of Long Island (my wife’s family). Pefect weather, the backyard was the Peconic Bay, and plenty of beer. Add to that Filets, lobster, and shrimp, and you had one happy bastard.
Sunday I spent the day at the beach with my wife and kids.
If I had to live those two days over for the rest of my life, I’d die a happy man.
sounds like a great time, not surrounded by people sweating it up to Lee Greenwood singing his one hit wonder: Proud to be An American for the 100th time. that guy is officially creepy.
I actually think I know the ice cream place you’re talking about! It’s WAY out in the middle of nowhere but worth it and the place always seems crowded. I have friends who have a place on Handsome Lake which is nearby.