Our kids received a PlayStation 3 console for Christmas this year (OK, the end of last year), along with a small collection of games to get them started. They’re longtime PlayStation 2 veterans, but it had gotten to the point where the new games weren’t available to them anymore. So, an upgrade was in order.
One of the starter games I lobbied for, was Beatles Rock Band. And we ended up going over-the-top with it, and getting them the Paul McCartney violin bass, the Ringo drum kit, and the whole nine yards. It cost a ridiculous amount of money, but that’s the reason for the season, right? …Hello?
And during the first few days, the game received a decent workout. They played along with the great old songs, and the animation was amazingly good. It actually looked like the Beatles on the screen, and not like… oh I don’t know, Pat Morita? It was a lot of fun, and it felt like we’d hit a home run with the gift.
But now, a few months later, I’m forced to revise my original assessment. Cobwebs have formed between the bass and drums, and (as far as I know) the disc hasn’t been out of its case since the middle of January. It’s kinda disappointing, if you want to know the truth.
I’m shocked, shocked I tell ya, that our kids didn’t take to their father’s rock band, which is old enough to be their grandfather’s rock band (if their grandfather wasn’t a Conway Twitty man). Who could’ve predicted such a thing?
So why did they lose interest so quickly? I needed to know, and started paying attention to the games they didn’t abandon. I also engaged in a little extra eavesdropping on conversations between them and their friends, to try to get my fingers on the pulse of the Middle School-aged boy, and their gaming preferences.
And now I’m prepared to file a report.
Below are eight quick recommendations to make the next edition of Beatles Rock Band more appealing to fourteen year old boys, based on the findings of my investigation. And if you have others, please leave them in the comments section at the bottom of this article.
Thank you for your attention to this important matter.
- Paul McCartney is exposed to nuclear fallout during the wartime bombing of a futuristic London, and mutates into a giant lizard-like creature with pincers for hands. He wanders the streets of a city in ruins, savagely mutilating anything – or anyone – in his path. It’s up to his bandmates to stop the Paul-creature, and they are conflicted between warm feelings for their old friend, and the horror of what he’s become. At a pivotal moment in the action, George Harrison screams, “It’s no longer Paulie, mates! Paul. Is. Dead.”
- The Beatles are trapped in a sideways world where other British Invasion bands are shooting for the top dogs – quite literally. The Fab Four are forced to fight off violent, armed assaults by Herman’s Hermits, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Dave Clark Five, and others. The action takes place in more than twenty global cities. And as an added bonus Donovan is roasted alive, via flamethrower, during every extended playing session.
- A pissed-off John Lennon returns from the grave, following his murder in New York City, with a mission: move the remaining Beatles (along with George Martin) to the “other side,” so they can work together one last time — to avenge his senseless death. The early quests are bittersweet affairs, especially when the lovable Ringo is jettisoned, but the bloody revenge rendered later has the potential to be very satisfying indeed. Yoko Ono, Mark David Chapman, J.D. Salinger, Richard Nixon, and Stephen King make appearances in this edge-of-your-seat thrill ride of a game.
- Brian Epstein is an effeminate but tough fortune hunter in the jungles of Africa, and the Beatles are his crew. They encounter many terrifying challenges along the way, including a herd of giant gorillas, an army of blow dart- wielding headhunters (one of whom carries a walking stick with what appears to be Charlie Watts’ noggin on the top), and a shady group of Nehru jacket-wearing Indian “spiritual leaders,” who are trying to reach the treasure first.
- The Beatles (plus Billy Preston) are pitted against the greatest basketball teams in the history of the NBA. Watch mind-blowing, heart-pounding matchups such as Michael Jordan vs. Ringo Starr (with cig), Wilt Chamberlain battling the always-resourceful Paul McCartney, and George Harrison defending against the mythical Kareem Abdul-Jabbar “sky hook.” Billy Preston can be replaced by George Martin, Neil Aspinall, or Stu Sutcliffe.
- The Beatles are sent hurtling, inside a tiny space capsule, to the farthest reaches of the solar system by “the bad Bob Dylan,” who has developed the ability to slip in and out of a parallel dimension. Eventually they crash-land on a fantastic planet populated by dragons, gnomes, wizards, and “thunderhawks.” In addition to the nonstop fantasy-action on their unnamed planet, the bad Bob Dylan can show up at any time to wreak further havoc. On advanced levels, BBD is accompanied by the terrifying Mondo Sullivan.
- Still reeling from his unexplained firing in 1962, original Beatles drummer Pete Best is unstable and angry on the mean streets of Los Angeles. There, he commits car-jackings, liquor store robberies, and assault. His ultimate quest: to steal the Beatles’ master tapes from Blanket Jackson, and hold them ransom. “That bastard McCartney” will surely pay top-dollar for the safe return of the booty, Pete knows. But first, he’ll have to get past vicious street gangs, the LAPD, and Blanket’s estimable security forces.
- Same as the regular Beatles Rock Band, but with tits.
And those are my eight quick recommendations to make Beatles Rock Band more appealing to the Middle School-aged boy. I’d appreciate your input as well; it’s very important that we save this gaming franchise! Please use the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys next time.
Hey-O!!!
Maybe you could order them the “Beatles Rock Band Extended Tit-Pack” for their birthday?
Around my house if there’s not killing it ain’t worth playing.
Hiya
Oops. Hit enter before I aimed to. Rest of comment should read: Or somebody’s running down the field or hitting a shot. You’ve got some pretty good ideas…pitch ’em.
My son got a Wii fit board for Christmas and it’s still in the box!
Happy Monday, kids.
Work in A Manson Family – White Album Slaughter Fun House!
Those ideas all sound good, but you’re gonna need more bewbs.
“Michael Jordan vs. Ringo (with cig)” Classic !
Sorry, I ain’t got nuttin’. Don’t play video games. Don’t have any kids. Today’s task is beyond me. And if I were to try to offer my uneducated opinion of video games I’d end up sounding like 1995’s Clifford Stoll in today’s Further Evidence, in which he predicts that the Internet will never replace the paper newspaper or the bricks ‘n’ mortar store. So, signing off until tomorrow….
I don’t play video games (never got into them), but I think I read something online the other day about the game not selling as expected.
Obviously you should have gotten them an xbox instead.
Work in a few LSD trips.
Then, they can do it in the road.
His ultimate quest: to steal the Beatles’ master tapes from Blanket Jackson, and hold them ransom.
That almost sounds like the plot to Give My Regards to Broad Street.
Alice, the same story is told here. The Wii Fit balance was attached; it was played once (although for almost an hour); and has been shoved under the table where it remains untouched. The girl has not played another Sims game we purchased.
You’re trying to find out why 14yr old boys don’t find the Beatles interesting? Do they have boobs? Do they bust caps in someone’s ass? Do they wield chain guns? Do they drift when they drive around corners? Do they sell drugs? Do you still wonder why?
Reporters cc and Alice have summed it up quite well. Add those two features and you’re good to go.
The girl (14) loves Across the Universe – we bought the CD. Yes, there are cheaper ways to obtain the music. I”m thinking that a reuse or retelling of the songs and stories may be that’s the only way the Fab4 will remain relevant to today’s yoots.
I could have been number 6 today but decided to go back and revisit my submission for punctuation or spelling lest some late night visitor find fault. And in doing so, made someone else happy by not being a “firster”. Geez – buzz killers or what?
and even with trying my grammar, typing and punctuation still sucks huge – screw it
Tits make EVERYTHING better. I thought this was universally understood?
Sorry Jeff, kids today don’t see The Beatles the same way you do, so their interest is bound to be a passing fad. They may be a little more into the Rock Band / Guitar Hero franchises when they start spending more time around girls, but I doubt The Beatles will be their go-to game. Next time just buy them BioShock and be grateful they’re not playing Nintendo Barbie.
My son and I have a PS2 and an Xbox360. He’s only 7, so I won’t let him play violent games, but we both enjoy Lego Star Wars and Lego Indiana Jones, plus I have an arcade classics game that he likes. Currently I’m nursing an addiction to Civilization 4 on the computer, but BioShock2 is out and I can feel the pull.
hot fuzz…that’s why I like it up here on the third floor. No hall monitors.
Hula gils with ukuleles would hold my attention for days when I was 14.
My grandchildren got that for Christmas as well, and they are still playing it. The youngest one is 10 and the oldest is 19. It does an old Beatle’s fan good!
DTO I would hold MYSELF for days when I was 14
But with tits…my new band name
Tits. Is there nothing they can’t do?
BEATLES ROCK!!!! Even though they never won a Grammy award.
Jeff – send those youngsters outside for some wholesome playtime! Or give them a few books to read….ya know, the “good old days” type of activities that kids of yesteryear enjoyed doing! That’ll make them appreciate what they have today.
I have one question.
WHY?
Would you flip for Carole Lombard or Myrna Loy?
I have seen the opposit with my grandchild. Of course, my son is a Beatles freak and has played the music since the kid was born.
He is even playing guitar.
I tend to lean heavily towards Swami Bologna’s comment. I’m an older guy (50) who is really out of touch with today’s fast paced world. I don’t play video games and I don’t have kids either. Although, I feel that video games are a huge waste of time, regardless of your age, I don’t condem those who enjoy (are hopelessly addicted to) them. So, therefore, I really shouldn’t even be commenting on today’s topic. I’ll just go out on the porch and whittle something out of a piece of wood.
Myrna Loy had thick ankles…gotta go with Carole on that one. I’m not sure if that was rhetorical or comparative. Now I gotta get me one of those dashboard hula girls… Damnit!
…..and then Ringo gets in a fistfight with Blanket Jackson and Blanket’s clothes get torn off during the fight and everyone sees that Blanket has both male and female genitalia and only one tit in the middle, and everyone busts out laughing, and later that night Blanket overdoses on a morphine drip and we have to listen to this on TV for 8 weeks on every fucking channel 24 hours per day so some Arab blows up something so they will shut the fuck up already. The end.
Just buy them World of Warcraft. They will soon learn that there is no RL, just AKF.
Death Knight FTW!
I don’t play video games, but I’m gonna suggest a lightning round where the Fab Four have to fight off living-dead rock star zombies, such as Jim Morrison, Ian Curtis, and all the drummers from Spinal Tap, using only their Gold Records and Yoko Ono as weapons.
As soon as I read the QOD, I thought, “One word: Tits.”
But, alas, Jeff got there with #8. So, how do you incorporate that into the game? Just add 1960’s hippie chicks with no bras. A collection of tie-died-wearing bouncing-to-the-music groupies would keep the boys playing RB for hours; they’d only stop for 15-minute bathroom breaks.
I’d also suggest a Beatles v. Stones shoot-em-up of some sort. With all of the ugly monster mugs the boys have been exposed to in their video games, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards would fit right in.
Yeah…there could be some really horrible battles and executions where the Beatles wipe out Freddie and the Dreamers, Peter and Gorden, Herman Hermits, Jerry and the Pacemakers and The Dave Clark Five. They kidnap Twiggy and hold her for ransom until Melanie gives up her “brand new key”, thereby saving AM radio and restoring Al Hurt and Bobby Vinton to their reign of the airwaves.
(you guys can tell I got the day off…huh?)
Help!!! I’m in WV. Never been here. Got my WVSR shirt on, even. I’m in a town called Beckley for the night onmy way to Fla to start my new life. Made 500 miles today from Niagara, not bad
Ron, take an extra half hour, and stop at Tamarack on your way out of town. You’ll see the signs on the interstate. It’s West Virginia’s showcase of West Virginia-made products: wine, glass, furniture, all kinds of neat stuff. It’s right off the interstate. I’d chauffer you around, but I’m in Parkersburg, and we’re 142 miles apart. You’re also near the New River Gorge Bridge. 860 feet high, it’s open once a year for base jumping (They allow people to jump off it, and land in the river below.) There’s a visitor’s center, and the view is incredible.
First “real” guitar licks I learned were from the Beatles and the Kinks. I seem to be glued to Starfleet Commander on FB nowadays so forgive my occasional absence. It’s hard to keep 9 planets in line and battle thousands of geeks for a coveted spot in the #1 leaders board.
You want to attract 14 year old boys, add some skateboarding, snowboarding and WWF wrestling with occasional flashes of boobage and cars wrecking while shooting aliens in a post apocalyptic world. Oh, and you win Axxe cologne, grungy clothes, tattoos and piercings. Make sure the segments only last 20 to 30 seconds or you’ll lose there attention.
When the Beatles version was announced I think I looked like the old RCA dog. Huh? How’s THIS going to sell? And now that you geniuses have come up with great ideas, some gaming exec is going to cruise by the comments (never underestimate the long reach of the WVSR) and STEAL THEM ALL and you’ll be out the money you COULD have gotten by pitching this directly to the company. Unless, of course, you just copyright everything.
Because tits are copyrightable, aren’t they?
Congratulations Jeff, you have again made the front page of Metafilter. I hope your webhosts can handle the traffic, and that your ad revenues have a nice bump 🙂
Why 14 year old boys? All the 19 years of my acquaintance have this game and love it. And the 45 year olds. And the 60 year olds. Wrong age group–why bother with tadpoles? Actually, one thing I’ve noticed about the “youngsters” (at least those in their late teens and upward), is that they don’t seem so attached to what era their music comes from and indeed seem to prefer “old stuff” (which includes Alice in Chains and Nirvana).
I was trying to remember what I was interested in back when I was 12 or so. My guess would also be tits. And I didn’t really care (still don’t) if they were A cups or DD cups, as long as there wasn’t hair around the nipples.
Very inspired, Jeff!
I would only suggest the inevitable title change to “Mersey Beatdown ’12”
I think, the game you are partially describing has already been done. Think back, oh, about 25 years ago and you might remember Journey The Video Game in your neighborhood arcade. I used to play it at Fun n Games in Framingham, MA after school.
http://www.klov.com/game_detail.php?game_id=8242
I’m thinking that if cobwebs have formed between drums and bass, then the author hasn’t been very interested in playing the game either. If you are lamenting your return on investment, you should lead by example and play the damn game yourself.
If they see their dad struggling with a video game, there’s nothing they will want more than to show you how it’s done.
its not that we dont like the beatles…(we as in the youth im an 18 year old girl..but I think i relate a little better) its just you cant mix two medias and expect success. my little brother loves to listen to the beatles and then he likes to play cod or fifa or whatever other game he can get his hands on.