You brag about your perfect life, your perfect spouse, and your perfect children on Facebook
Even casual acquaintances know your political beliefs
You back into parking spaces
You like to brag about not owning a television
You only use the first letter of your first name, and your full middle name, like F. Scott Fitzgerald and G. Gordon Liddy
You refuse to shop at Walmart, and never pass up an opportunity to tell people why
You like to forward patriotic or religious emails, and “enough is enough!” diatribes falsely attributed to Paul Harvey and George Carlin
You crack your back
You consider any casual mention of a meal featuring meat as your chance to shine
You believe you know where the world’s best pizza is served
You roll your R’s, whenever you say a Spanish word, like “Puerrrrrto Rrrrico”
You say “Frisco”
You ask a lot of questions while ordering at fast food restaurants
You study your ATM receipt, while still standing in front of the machine
You have bumper stickers on your car
You frequently refer to yourself as “such a nerd”
You eat food while walking around a grocery store, then throw the wrapper on the checkout conveyor belt
You only like the early albums by a band, before they became famous
You have a “Please do not print this email unless necessary” signature file
There’s not a person in the world, who’s spent more than five minutes with you, who doesn’t know about your back surgery
You say “I don’t care if you’re white, black, yellow, green, or purple…”
You slather yourself in SPF 90 sunscreen before stepping outside to get the mail
You roll your eyes whenever somebody orders a Coors Light
You consider it your duty to send back unsatisfactory dishes in restaurants – how else are they going to learn?
You have a strong regional U.S. accent
You run marathons
You take a full shopping cart of groceries through the self-checkout line
Not an hour goes by that you don’t think about herbal supplements
You quote scripture
You reflexively dislike things because they’re popular
You begin sentences with “When I get my settlement…”
You get lots of things done before 7 a.m.
You’re a drummer
You go to great lengths to come up with the exact amount of change when paying for something
You’ve changed the pronunciation of your name
You slow down to 25 mph on the highway, to get a rare glimpse of a man standing beside a car on the side of the road
You’ve memorized a litany of obscure facts and statistics with which to defend the “sport” of bowling
You tell people you’re not religious, but you’re spiritual
You have strong opinions about automakers
You always give 110%
You’re a U.S. citizen and end conversations with, “Cheers!”
You like to say you could’ve gone farther in your career, but you “refused to play the game”
You fold pizza slices before eating
You refer to a pitcher’s mound as “the bump”
You derisively sniff whenever someone mentions the name of a chain restaurant
You’re confused about the difference between “reply” and “reply all”
Calvin is pissing, somewhere on your vehicle
You’re covered in tattoos and piercings, but regularly utter the phrase, “What the fuck are YOU looking at?”
You’re known as the guy who believes passionately that vinyl sounds better
You know the phone number for human resources off the top of your head
Now playing in the bunker
Follow Jeff on Twitter and Facebook
You fly from your home in Seattle to LAX (1.5 hours away from my house) instead of to John Wayne/OC Airport (20 minutes) because you “saved $100.00 on the round-trip fare!!”, and then expect me to provide your transportation to and from the airport.
It doesn’t work that way, douchebag. I’m “busy”.
Dude…
When I come down to piss on Nixon, I’ll fly into John Wayne. Probably about a tranular center among your house, the Dick gravesite, and the fifth precinct.
John
Fuck. I didn’t mean I was going to do it every three years. The word I was grasping for and not quite typing was “triangular”. Fuck.
jtb,
I think pissing on Nixon’s grave every three years is a grand idea. And even though the triangle formed by home, JWA, and Nixon’s birthplace/library/grave isn’t even close to being isoscelesian, for you I’d venture up to the Great White North (OC) to facilitate your triannuar statement. On account of your use of JWA, of course.
BTW, you nailed the precinct.
Oh shit. Using BTW is a sign, isn’t it?
Guilty!! Guilty!! Guilty!!
Every time I take take a piss outside I pretend I’m pissing on Nixon’s grave. I can’t afford the airfare every time.
Several years ago (1987 per Wikipedia) an opera appeared, called “Nixon in China”. I was visiting my parents, who were reading the Sunday paper that day (Sunday, duh) as is their habit. Mom is looking at the entertainment section and says “oh, would you like to see Nixon in China?”. Without looking up, Dad says “I’d rather see him in hell”.
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Vinyl DOES sound a little better than “CD quality” which sounds much better than other digital formats. Especially on an album that’s produced primarily for vinyl. I haven’t bought an LP in years, and my turntable is somewhere down the basement, because there are convenience/quality tradeoffs and life is short.
jtb
My turntable is old enough to run for president. It’s on its 7th or 8th cartridge and I’ve rewired it a couple of times. It sounds at least as good as any CD – depending on the particular record, of course.
Digital audio formats other than CD most likely refers to mp3, which is made with lossy compression. This guarantees it will sound worse than the source material, sometimes much worse. But people put up with poor quality because it makes the files much, much smaller. Or maybe they can’t tell the difference.
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People that refer to wednesday as hump day. Fuck off, I’m not getting any, don’t remind me.
X number of sleeps until…
And I *do* refuse to shop at Wal-Mart, but this is the first time I’ve told anyone. Do I get a point for that?
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Anyone who writes in to Miss Manners. I mean. Really???
First, you can probably Google your etiquette question to get an answer, you stuffy dumbass.
Second, does it MATTER which utensil you choose to eat dessert with? Yes, I just read this question in today’s paper.
It does NOT matter, unless you are eating with royalty and the year is 1636, when shit like this mattered. That would have been my response.
This Miss Manners would probably go into cardiac arrest if she knew that people put their elbows on the table, talk with their mouths full, don’t put a napkin on their laps when they eat at McDonald’s, and on and on. Shit…she’s got me all worked up!
She would flip out if she knew I occasional rub one out at dinner in a fine restaurant. I also sometimes use the word “Ass Beat” at dinner parties. ( Sadly none of you will get the M.I.R.V. reference)
I’ve actually met Miss Manners – her real name is Judith something – and she was cool. But that was a long time ago, and maybe the position has been occupied of late by someone less cool. Some stuck-up sticky-beat as it were.
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***oh…C.K Dexter Haven pretty much set the bar as initials first names go and is really cool. Maybe it’s just the way Jimmy and Kate say it but cool none the less. And then C.K Louis shows up…but C.K Dexter Haven is a four stepper and pretty hard to beat.
For sheer number of first initials, I have two tied for first: L. J. K. Setright and J. R. R. Tolkien.
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Well played chill. Really man! I forgot about J.R.R.Tolkien. C.K. Dexter Haven has always had a special ring to me. Love the movie I guess.
I see what you did there. “Special ring”. Nice.
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I haven’t read through all the comments yet, so someone may have added this to your list already… It’s still funny though- The longer your single drink order at Starbucks (insert major coffee chain here) the bigger the asshole you are. For example “I will take a grande, non fat, half soy, Carmel macchiato. Oh and hold the foam. And can you make that extra hot? I was in here last week… Blah blah blah.” GO BREW IT AT HOME ASSHOLE!
I think anyone who uses more than three words to order coffee should be tazered.
…or have coffee poured down their pants!
So true. And T. Farty I am so honored you replied to my comment- you are one of my favorite commenters on here…aside from the big guy himself of course). I think you are hysterical…& kinda hot too;). Yes- I’m your “groupie”…;)
I guess my ass is getting zapped then because I order: “Coffee with cream and sguar.” That’s not even saying please!
You feel like you (or your children) should be the exception to EVERY rule or law!
You do ALL of your banking at the drive-up ATM.
You make the guy at the ice cream place rattle off all of the flavors–then order vanilla!
Though I expected this list to read like my biography, I am only guilty of two: not shopping at Wal-Mart and snobbery towards Coors Light.
The intensity of my eye-rolling can nearly disrupt Earth’s rotation when I overhear “I stopped by the Wal-Mart to grab a case of Coors Light.”
This is a tough call, because Coors Light is one of the few products Wal-Mart carries that’s actually made in America. I don’t care whether anyone else shops at Wal-Mart, but buying a case of Tsingtao at da Mart seems sadder to me.
jtb
I overlook Wal-Mart shopping. I never excuse a Coors light purchase. If It’s offered to me at a party…I leave.
As long as you don’t back into your parking space at Walmart when you are buying your case of Coors Light, I suppose you should be OK….
Is it just me or does this humor sound a little more like Jeff Foxworthy than Jeff Kay? And where the hell are my boxscores?
…one team played half a game today and the score was 3. Now they are no longer half a game out of third place.
My coffee bar order goes “double espresso”.
Is it snobbery against a thing if you simply dislike it? I mean, we’re allowed to have likes and dislikes regarding food, so why not beer? The thing about American megabreweries is that they all make the same style of beer, and it’s an extreme style – extremely light in color, body, malt and hops. So if you don’t care for Bud, you probably also won’t care for any of the others.
I still think Wal-Mart == Mall of the Devil, but I keep this opinion to myself and don’t give others shit for shopping there. Just as everyone should do regarding politics, at least in professional settings.
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chill..I’m by no means a beer snob. I drink Coors for christ sake. When the whole lite beer thing started, what?…thirty years ago?…I was confused and my world started to tilt. I did try a Miller lite and a Bud lite back then and actually thought I was turning gay. I immediately went to confession, did three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and promised never again stray.
You say, “Have you seen my iPhone,” instead of just
mobile or cell or just PHONE.
You pronounce muslim as, “moose-leem”
Anyone who, during a political discussion, mentions: “Well that is how they do it in France/Norway/Italy.” Or any other European country.
You have nothing to offer your Facebook friends, except sharing “Being Liberal” or “Being Conservative” group posts.
You actually believe that corn syrup is worse for you than sugar.
Car-stereo system costs more than your car, and house.
You put cinnamon in your “chili”
You prominently display your breast pump somewhere in your office, and mentally DARE your manager to say something about it.
You make sure that everyone knows you won’t ever consider buying American car.
You wear flip-flops to work, but they are OK, because you hot glued a bunch of plastic leaves and beads and other shit on them.