Hello Surf Reporters!
By the time you read this, I should be settled into Yurt 15. My computer and notebooks will be positioned the way I like ‘em, and the place will smell like fresh-brewed coffee and Pine-Sol. The ridiculous roundhouse in the woods will be mine until 10 am on Friday, and hopefully I’ll emerge with a completed third draft of my “book.” If not, I’ll transfer operations to the library, and give it one final push.
I have hopes of updating the site somewhere along the line, but there’s a possibility it won’t happen. I mean, let’s be realistic here. So, I’ve decided to just drop five questions on ya, all at once. And you guys can maintain the Surf Report while I’m away, by answering and discussing the various topics. How’s that sound?
Needless to say, there’s no requirement to answer all of the questions (or any of them). But you certainly can, if you’d like. Heck, I won’t even be here to monitor it, so do what you want. Within reason. And I’ll be back as soon as possible.
Question 1: What song would you like played at your funeral? I’m thinking “Yakkety Sax,” or maybe just a CD full of Halloween sound effects. What about you?
Question 2: What’s the most overrated movie of all time? I’m having a little trouble with this one. Titanic jumps immediately to mind, but that’s the problem… it’s obvious. I’m confident you can do better.
Question 3: Who is the laziest person you’ve ever known? I’ve worked with several lazy bastards who just showed up for a living, and didn’t have the energy required to lift their feet off the ground – they’d just cross-country ski down the hall – and slurred their speech because clear enunciation was too tall an order. There’s no way to pick just one, because they were all the same. Do you have anything on it?
Question 4: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve done to pass the time, while sitting on the toilet? I’ve brought in my laptop, of course, and sent my brother emails that read, “I’m emailin’ while crappin’!” Yes, I’m 47. What of it? And when I was a little kid I ate a Fudgesicle while perched atop the throne. My parents saw me coming out of the bathroom with it, and commenced to telling the entire state of West Virginia. Sheesh. What’s so wrong with eating fudge while pooping?
Question 5: Excluding people and pets, what would be the first things you’d grab if your house was on fire, and you only had a few minutes to get out? I’d go for my phone, laptop, and stack o’ notebooks beside my computer monitor. No family photos, you ask? Um… I’m sure Toney would grab them. Right?
See you on the other side, my friends!
Hi everybody, I found Jeff through Stumbleupon.. the article for The Shit attack at a Ryans had me laughing so hard.. I was hooked.. and then all the people in the comments are the best.. I’m especially enamored with jtb..
Jenny, i’ve been reading the archives since early 2008 and I still haven’t got through them all. I want the hilarity to last.. at this time..
Lori…
As I recall, you come from my part of the woods, Aberdeen or Hoquiam (only about 60 miles from me). Actually, there are no more old growth woods around the “twin cities”, and the second-growth forests are 30 years away — thus the collapse of the forest products industry which only supported about 80% of the towns’ economies.
They are now just street after street of unpainted houses, about half of them vacant. So I wrote you a homecoming poem. I’ll both post it and “reply” it, not knowing where you’re likely to look.
.
Come back to Aberdeen to visit
Come back to Hoquiam to play
They’re ghoul towns now – the trees are gone
The empty shacks are in decay
Come back to Aberdeen to visit
Where Kurt Cobain was a kind of God
We’ll walk the ghastly-ghostly streets
And hang ourselves on a shower rod
.
jtb
jtb, you idiot! EVERYONE knows that the Twin Cities are Stanwood and Arlington!
I doubt you will see this cause this is like days late but thanks for the stumbleupon mention. I went there and love it. I have been stumbling for hours!
Jenny…chugging silver will turn you into a Smurf.
Karason’s girlfriend, Jackie Northrup, said she was surprised at first, but is now used to it. “The only time now that I really think about it or notice it is if we’re out in public and people start staring,” she said.
That’s either one hellova guy or one hellova woman. He could lose the beard to cut down on the contrast. But then I guess he’d be showing off more blue. Crazy. I used to make colloidal silver at home but I ditched it because I found it ineffective. That’s also why I gave up hard drugs. Nothing is strong enough to quell the pain, the exquisite pain.
WB says “Oh, and when we get extremely bored we just pick on Canada.”
go yurt yourself 🙂
Jenny? addictive isn’t it? It’s like have a whole army of answerbots but with all the censoring algorithms removed. Some words of advice and notes?
– never give any personal info – this place is filled with stalkers that use info like Hanable Lector. Well really it’s just me that’s like that but know it anyways
– never limit yourself, reply reply reply… the more you say, the more likely you are to swear… and the guys here love ladies who swear
– never talk about Jeff’s salmon colored shirt
– never ever ever use that fucking reply feature. EVER… it must die….Icy66 please touch IT so it dies.
– use the reply feature whenever you want
– Limey does not drink warm beer
– bikerchick wears red FM pumps on request (and trust her on the Alli post recommendation)
– Jason freaked you out last week? Singular? ie just once?
– a very useful mantra? repeat after me…. I apologize for nothing
dto and t-storm…the correct spelling is sasnatchewan. And wild ones DO exist. It’s TAME ones that don’t exist. (thank god)
Every get a charley horse in the big muscle on your inside thigh? Holy nutshot Batman it hurts. Tonight’s wasn’t too bad and the first in years but I certainly woke up the house. Must drink more fluids!!! The worst one I ever had would NOT go away no matter how much I walked it off. I could feel the cramping muscle doing a reverse reach around to my ass to start pulling on some muscle back there. I used to be afraid I’d get a charley horse at the worst possible times
– driving
– during an MRI
– while flinging man goop
– on a roller coaster
– flinging man goop while on a roller coaster
– during a job interview
– during my act while working at a stagette
So far only one fear has been realized….
Actually hot fuzz…you could be right come to think. I spent some time (two months) in Regina…(for you Americian folks, it’s pronounced like vagina but with a R) where the training center for the RCMP is. They gayest bunch of men running around in red suits I’ve ever seen. So your take on wild ones is correct. But I said “in the wild”.
Jeff…take down the reply and add an edit feature for when we fuck up a word or two. “The gayest bunch…”
Crap!
You know, I rarely notice errors until people point them out. I had to look hard to see yours, dto.
Popcorn is a vegetable.
So’s bacon.
Thanks T. Farty…I do tend to sweat the little stuff.
Chili is a meal.
Lori…
As I recall, you come from my part of the woods, Aberdeen or Hoquiam (only about 60 miles from me). Actually, there are no more old growth woods around the “twin cities”, and the second-growth forests are 30 years away — thus the collapse of the forest products industry which only supported about 80% of the towns’ economies.
They are now just street after street of unpainted houses, about half of them vacant. So I wrote you a homecoming poem. I’ll both post it and “reply” it, not knowing where you’re likely to look.
.
Come back to Aberdeen to visit
Come back to Hoquiam to play
They’re ghoul towns now – the trees are gone
The empty shacks are in decay
Come back to Aberdeen to visit
Where Kurt Cobain was a kind of God
We’ll walk the ghastly-ghostly streets
And hang ourselves on a shower rod
.
jtb
jtb, I actually lived way out in North River about 30 miles southeast of Cosmopolis..waaay out in the woods.. graduated from North River High class of 87..all 5 of us.. good times..
we would ride our bikes all the way to aberdeen and back when I was in high school.. I have no idea how i did that except i was in great shape.. haha
i went back to Aberdeen in May of 08 when my brother and I spread my dads ashes at Ruby beach.. It really looked the same but different at the same time.. I did not get to go over the bridge to Cosmopolis or back to north river but I plan on making a trip back next year so I could go to all the places.. maybe we can meet and say hi..i’ll keep ya posted.. I noticed on Google Earth that all the acres of timber my stepdad owned are all completely bare except for the 10 acres or so around the house..so sad..it was very beautiful.. well, I’m still going to move back to Washington (probably northern, whidbey island or somewhere around there..someday The poem was so sad..i left for the military in 87 and only have been back twice.. thanks for the note back jtb..sorry i wrote a book.. 😉
god damn it. jeff’s been gone so long we’ve defagerated into poetry (oh noetry).
Here’s one for you, I think the nips came up with this style, it’s called Hi-Ku
jeff kay stuck in yurt
my balls sweat and wait, update
go fuck yourself, jerks
oh, and maybe i mentioned this but did every/anyone see tosh.0 do a bit on First. It was excellent.
By the way, let me be the first to call you all a bunch of dry rubbed cunts.
First!
dto, you’re right…”in the wild” is not nearly the same as “wild”. Silly fucking me. 🙂 Maybe I should have said “free range”
t-storm…you said that with love, didn’t you…aw, you’re a helluva guy too buddy.
five in the morning
think t-storm is pushing it?
you should see him drunk
E & O E
Stormy…
I think the word Nips is culturally insensitive. It pisses off the Japs.
Storm and Jeff both appear to be accomplished haikuists. And despite Stormy’s characterization, I have no doubt about which way their peters teeter.
jtb
OB12
Hot…
Thanks for the coded message. I think using the Navajo Code-Talkers is working out very well between our countries.
jtb
OB12
E&OE is an initialism standing for errors and omissions excepted.[1] The phrase is used in an attempt to reduce legal liability for incorrect or incomplete information supplied…I didn’t want to get screwed by the sasnatchewan information I provided lest someone invest in sasnatchewan futures and the bottom falls out of the market… People I am not an expert on sasnatchewans…I only portray one on line…
just covering my ass
full time job is that…
lots of real estate to cover there…
may have to hire a firm to cover an ass that big….
BEHOLD MY ASS – REVEL IN ITS GRANDEUR – IT IS MAGNIFICENCE EMBODIED IN GLORY. ALL HAIL MY ASS!!!
crap – forgot to mention the wikipedia cut and paste… crap and I didn’t e&oe it… when really I should have meta-e&oe’d it….
oh well… I apologize for nothing
Actually…Al Commode was a nortorious contract plummer from Nutley, New Jersey. He specialized in inside jobs, usually using just a plunger to “fix” a “situation”.
I hear there is a terrorist cell that uses math equations to strike terror with schools as the target. They are known as
AL-ge-BRE-a
mmmm…chili!
Yes hot fuzz….there is also a splinter group called al-Commoda that blows up the school bathrooms with M-80s and Cherry Bombs. That group has been around for years as well.
There’s no truth to the rumor that Sarah Palin has connections to the northern cell called AL-a-LAS-ka….
I think the leader of the snaskatchewan sleeper cell is named Shhot Mawadd.
Dammit, where’s the edit button? Screwed up my punch line!
Dave’s …still enjoyed it
Here – while we’re on the topic – how does Robert NOT break up?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMr3QO2Sbc
HA, found this one right beside it….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfR49AuUsW0&feature=related
I’ve often wondered what people thought when subtitled while speaking the same language as the subtitles. Now I know!.
I think we were a bit harsh on Bennigan’s Nazi….
Okay, perhaps not.
See you fools Monday, fucking weather is perfect outside for a little day drinking…whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean!
what did we do to b-nazi?
The Mockable blast.
All the commenting about the comments made me think if him for some reason.
I just went through some old posts and I don’t see how we were mean to him. No meaner than anything else.
pussy.
Sometimes this blog can be quite arduous.
The blasting was on Mockable, I think by Metten.
Sorry I missed it. I love a good blasting.
I miss Tempo Relentless, the Great Googly Moogly, and even Wordnerd a tiny bit. I hate to pull rank on y’all, but I done been reporting surf for 10 years.
I mainly come back because I think of JK and crew as reasonable Americans, and Jeff is always a good writer, and sometimes he’s a really good writer.
Now get out there and get us the story!
There’s rank now? Are we better people the longer we’ve been on? That wasn’t on the “about” page. Damn.
I miss Mockable…
ditto chuck…
A refresher of ousted commenters? http://mockable.org/mockers-for-hire-the-bennigans-nazi-edition/er course in
Me too Chuck. I know you wrote over there and did your part and I think I did six or seven and it was a great outlet to write stuff and have Jeff and Metten “publish” it for the entire www to see. Too bad not enough others submitted stuff to help keep it going. Maybe it will happen again later. It was a great idea and offering.
Other things I miss around here?…reporters and all?…hard to say. I guess that’s just the way of the ebb and flow of the Surf.
That was a sappy piece of crap…don’t you thinK?
What I miss is Buck doing a guest host gig here every once in a while.
Clint…
Hey man, we aren’t either of us killionairs any more, so perhaps it’s OK to downsize our official twin cities to Ab & Hoq. Stanwood, which I believe is named after Stan Boreson, is way too upscale for me. But where one stands on twin cities depends very much on where one sits. I for one, have issued a strong buy on Stan Boreson.
jtb
Wow, that IS way out in the woods.
I find that I am constitutionally incapable of looking at any part of my state from Google Earth or any other tool. The barren hills make me too sad. I miss the trees.
I thought I was familiar with every settlement in Western Washington. Clearly, I’m not. You are probably closer to a shopping center in Cbus. Not that that is a good thing….
jtb
Hot…
Don’t get lulled into a slow spiral dance. Or a lap dance.
In any case, how can you have posted this many comments without referencing Ian Tyson? He came close to changing the world 45 years ago. He knew how to write and Sylvia knew how to sing, but he wouldn’t listen to her. The French Girl still sets me to howling, as long as Ian isn’t singing. He could have been John Prine, but he chose to be Tex Ritter instead.
Song for Canada is genius as is Someday Soon.
Say hey to him for me at the next Canada meeting.
Thanks…
jtb
…and by the way, Ruby Beach is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. I might join your dad there one day…
jtb
Hey, Hot…
I just checked and Ian Tyson’s birthday is a week from today. He’ll be 77, still going strong. We should meet at a Tim Horton’s for a doughnut and some javascript.
jtb
John, you guessed it… today I live in columbus ohio.. Living the single life in suburbia near a major shopping center hahaha.
North river still has the tiny school and a parttime tavern..I graduated with 4 other kids in my class and we never had a class above us.. 1986 had no seniors haha. Well, imy brother and I both plan to join our dad and my uncle at ruby beach. Hopefully far in the future.. By the way does Hoquiam still smell like vanilla?
“Mountain Dew”
Get it?! HA.
“Mount and do”
JTB… I’ve seen the size of the trees North of San Fran and the ones south around Big Sur… There’s a palpable presence when you’re in amongst the Ents. The size and age seem to add some dimension that you don’t really need to be a tree hugger to feel (even a little).
I don’t know why we haven’t engineered fast growing square truncked trees that grow without knots and 16′ per year…I feel like the Indian (casino not dot) crying on the side of the road while we have our way with mother earth. But I’m not preaching as I’m as guilty as any consumer for chewing up trees – yeah I’m part of the gang bang we force on nature.
There is some marsh land just outside of a neighborhood in which I used to live. They’ve clear cut a football field or two so they can build town and single family homes. The selling feature? “Be right next to nature”. I drove by the other day and the forest I’ve seen every week for the last 13 years has been leveled.
Oh and thanks JTB…. all freakin day I’ve had “someday soon, goin’ with him, somedaaayyy soon” going through my head like a earwig feasting on the grey matter buffet. 🙂
How’s the back recovery coming? Did you enter that touch your toes marathon yet?
I-66… I’m thinking you were away from home and the thought occured to you and you just couldn’t wait to get back to your laptop to share… I’ve gone though the whole mental list of soda/pop (I’m bilingual) and I think you got the only gem. Bravo.
I had that same can’t wait feeling I suspect you had when I randomly pronounced one of my staff’s name as “AL-Yson” in an Arabic sort of way. And then dto opened the door the other day above so I could post and laugh to myself like a fat kid who found the nickle he needed so he could buy the king sized chocolate bar rather than the regular sized one because he was 3 cent’s short…
It’s raining and foggy. But I made bacon this morning so all is well with the world.
he he “made bacon”
If we go by record weasel standards of course rank counts. It’s all about, I like Jeff’s new stuff, but the first site was better.
Lori…
I wasn’t just being poetic. I don’t think there’s a hint of an active forest products industry left down there. Like all towns on salt water, Hoquiam smells different at low tide than at high, but mostly is smells like silence.
But I like your characterization of how it used to smell. I think “vanilla” is a little extra kind, but why shouldn’t we be generous?
Are you “just out of the service”?
jtb
Jtb, there use to be a vanilla factory somewhere in hoq and it would smell really good.. Fish and ‘nilla yum hahahahaha.
I’ve been out of the air force since 92..I went in when I was 17. April 1st..I swear it was an aprils fools joke lol
Oh I know its just fricking sad for those towns..I bet there are people who have long commutes to olympia or whatever.