How are you guys doing? Good, I hope. Me? Thanks for asking! I’m doing OK. There’s not a moment of the day or night when I couldn’t go for a little more food and/or sleep. But that’s standard. Other than that, things are going reasonably well.
On Sunday I spent most of the day working in the yard: mowin’, whackin’, and trimmin’. The good news is that it was probably the last time in 2015. At least until I have to deal with the metric shitload of leaves that are already threatening me with their vibrant colors. I was out there shaking my fist at them, and yelling “Stay right where you are, motherfuckers!” But I’m not convinced that’ll make much of a difference.
And Andy’s doing great. He’s back at 100%. In fact, he might be at 120%. I think his near-death experience has reinvigorated ol’ Black Lips. He’s swinging for the fences! I love it. That episode scared the crap out of me. But he’s back from the light.
Today I’m going to briefly tell you about four things that caught and held my attention this past weekend. Then I’ll hand it over to you guys to do with it what you will.
When I was in Jr. High I watched an HBO stand-up special with Phyllis Diller. I didn’t go into it with high hopes, because I only knew her from game shows and that kind of thing. But it killed me. At one point she launched into a lengthy segment made up of nothing but one-liners about a fictitious fat woman, which I thought was the absolute pinnacle of genius.
For some reason I was thinking about it a couple of days ago, and, of course, it’s on YouTube… Everything’s on YouTube. And it’s still great. There are definitely some clinkers, but the good ones are really good. Can you imagine if some non-fat comedian devoted six minutes of their act to fat jokes nowadays? They’d probably burn the club down. Whatever. I love it. It’s been almost 40 years, and it still sticks out in my mind as one of the biggest and hardest laughs of my life.
Yesterday I drove past the mall, and heard a man hollering through a bullhorn or some similar amplification device. When I reluctantly swiveled my head (wotta hassle!) I saw this set-up in the parking lot. Somebody was selling meat out of the back of a panel truck! And check out the banner: 20 ribeyes for $25. Heh. I whipped the wheel to the right, parked, and snapped a few pictures. But I wouldn’t go into that tent, because I knew I’d be hit with a tsunami of hard-sell, and possibly raped. And I can’t have that.
Do any of you have additional information on this kind of thing? How big are those “ribeyes?” I’m thinking they’re roughly the size of silver dollars. Am I right? What do you know about it? Is it the modern-day version of those guys who used to try to sell us stereo speakers in parking lots? Help me out, won’t you?
And I’ve mentioned this before, but there are few things that get my blood boiling more than people who walk away from their fast food trash. Last time I talked about this I was astonished (ASTONISHED!) that a few of you disagreed. Wow! Just look at that photo from Wendy’s on Saturday. Two assholes had been sitting there, with matching goatees and arrogant smirks, and when they were done… they just strolled on out the door. Somebody else can deal with their mess, somebody lower than them. In a fast food joint you’re supposed to throw away your trash. Society has decided this. It’s the same as people who leave their shopping carts wherever they’ve been rendered no-longer-useful. Massive… gaping assholes!
Finally, the first volume of the Surf Report archives is now live in the Kindle Store. Just click on the image to the right, and you’ll be taken there, as if by magic. It’s not just a copy and paste of the archives, it’s been edited down to only the good stuff. In my estimation, anyway.
For you contrarians who refuse to submit to our Amazon overlords, it’s also available at Kobo, and soon at Barnes & Noble. Not sure what’s going on with B&N… It still says “processing.” But, I can only assume it’ll be up there sometime today, and ready for download to your Nook.
Update: We’re now live at B&N.
I’m working on the paperback version, but it’s quite involved. It might be two weeks before that goes live. But, I’m planning to do one. Stay tuned on that.
Some trivia on this thing: the cover was done by a woman in Pakistan, the formatting was done by a husband/wife team in Australia, and the words were written by a big goofy dumbass in the good ol’ US of A. This shit is international.
And I’m going to work now. I hope you guys have yourselves a fine, fine day.
See you again soon.
Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! If you’re in Canada, here’s your link. Thank you guys!
I’ve seen those tents around here. Usually selling shrimp.
You take your goddamned tray to the trash, empty it, and set it on top! I’m so angry that I can’t breathe…..
A couple of fast talking salesmen interrupted us while we were doing yard work (hey, a segue from story one to story two) and brought up boxes of meat with a “How many do you want?” The killer line was “This is USDA Select. That’s the top of the line! Better than Prime. You can’t get this everyday.” The t-bones looked like mini t=bones and were extremely thin. There was absolutely no marbling which was another sales point for them. “Notice how lean they are!”
I like a good deal. But I ain’t buying meat from some dude in a tent.
http://nobull.mikecallicrate.com/2011/07/08/beefs-reputation-on-sale-consumer-beware/
Portable meat markets like that give me the willies! In our old neighborhood, some dude always drove around in a 1970’s-era van spewing out black smoke while trying to sell this “great deal” he just got on steaks. No thanks…I think I’ll pass on the “Mad Cow Meat” or whatever!
“One day a Volkswagen hit her. Hell, they never found it.”
Even worse than that –
Where I live the college kids (mainly?) open their car door and just toss the fast food trash into the street or parking lot. The crows love it – I do not.
There is something depressingly sad when some fuckers think they are too good to clean their table at a fast food restaurant. Imagine these pretentious pricks at a 5 star restaurant? They’d run the asses off the waitstaff and leave a shitty tip.
Jeff, Beloved just gave me the new Kindle Fire yesterday as an Anniversary gift. As soon as I set it up, I’m downloading. I need ridiculous adventures!
In Oklahoma a guy would try to sell me meat at the bar. I had some left over and my boss will be mad if I come back with it. I’ll cut you a deal.
That’s funny. It’s either that one or, “The lady that I was supposed to deliver these to isn’t home and we deliver it fresh or not at all. Rather than go back to work and face my boss empty-handed, I’ll sell you these ribeyes for 75% off…” It blows my mind that they still try that shit. Gag’s older than a Phyllis Diller fat joke.
Jeff- I know this isn’t the first time you’ve mentioned the great influence this standup special had on you. I seem to remember previous tellings where you mailed Ms. Diller several fat jokes you had written for her. Have you ever shared more than one or two of the actual jokes?
I talked with some guys about the tent scammers today. They often ask, “Hey man, you got a freezer I can buy?” When you say “no” they say, “Well, you want this meat for next to nothing? Otherwise it’ll end up going bad.”