This is by no means comprehensive. I’ll undoubtedly think of stuff I should’ve included, for the next several days. But there’s always Volume 2, right? Maybe. We’ll have to see how this one goes… In any case, I didn’t include any quotes from myself, only things other people have said that stuck with me through the years. I remember most of them because they’re funny. But sometimes it’s because they’re disturbing and creepy, or occasionally infuriating. Oh, prepare yourself to be changed, my friends. I’m about to drop an overwhelming load o’ wisdom on yer asses. Let’s get to it, shall we?
- “Don’t lean up again’ the wall, Kay! What’s the matter with you?! Do something!” -my Little League coach during practices, multiple times
- “You think that’s funny, Kay? It’s not funny! You’re sick!!” -one of my Junior High teachers, immediately after he told us about a horrific accident… in what I thought was a very funny way
- “And he’s about two hoe-handles across the ass…” -my dad describing somebody (can’t remember), using an unusual unit of measure
- “That’s the worst music I’ve ever heard in my life.” -my dad, as he walked past my bedroom, many times
- “I was taking a shit in there! What kind of person interrupts another man’s shit??” -a weird and menacing customer on my paper route, while I was attempting to collect his payment
- “Tastes like cold biscuits.” -my friend Tim after he took his first (and possibly last) drink of beer
- “If I’d been stranded in the Saraha Desert, with nothing but saltine crackers, I couldn’t drink as much water as you guys drink beer.” -also Tim
- “We do not mean to Hastle you but law Require that all ID be Check” -sign hanging in a beer store we frequented, which was run by Arabs, or perhaps Persians
- “Tits! Look at the tits!!” -a whole gang of us loaded in my parents’ station wagon, arriving at the drive-in while a softcore porn movie played on the screen
- “And you know what that F stands for, don’t you?” -one of my super-classy high school teachers, after I asked her about the grade she’d issued me
- “She’s so ugly she could scare varnish off a door.” -my friend Vincent, talking about a classmate (can’t remember) during high school
- “Look at you two drunk sons a bitches!” -my friend Billy’s dad, after we returned home from a night of socializing
- “I’d like to lay that wide open.” -disgusting old perv co-worker ogling a cashier at Fas-Chek, a grocery store where I worked during high school and beyond
- “Oh man, I’d love to beat off in her hair.” -disgusting young perv co-worker ogling another cashier at Fas-Chek
- “Oh right! Like you’ve never farted.” -Vincent to two old lady customers who were reacting to him loudly blasting-ass within four feet of them, at Fas-Chek
- “I saw The Who once. But it was a long time ago when they still called themselves The Guess Who.” -idiot co-worker at the Dunbar Exxon
- “Motherfucker can’t shit if he ain’t got no ass!” -idiot co-worker at Food Lion grocery store in Greensboro, NC, while discussing a photo of a legless man with other idiot co-workers
- “Why are you laughing like that? I could’ve been seriously injured.” -some girl (can’t remember) during one of the worst dates of my life, in Atlanta, after she’d told me a story that was flat-out hilarious
- “Oooooh, I think he wearin’ something!” -elderly black nurse hours after our oldest son was born, and after he’d ruined his first diaper
- “Thanks for nothing, bitch!” -drunken female co-worker, after asking a woman for a light at the Christmas party, not knowing that the woman was the CEO’s wife
Like I say, this is nowhere near comprehensive. I could easily come up with a hundred of these little gems if you gave me a few days. But now I’d like to turn it over to you guys. In the comments section please share some memorable quotes from your own life, in the same format. Thanks in advance!
And I need to get ready for work now. Ugh. It’s painful, boys and girls, mighty painful.
Have a great day!
I’ll see you again on Thursday.
Now playing in the bunker
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“I’m so thirsty I’m farting dust” – said by my Dad when we were on a trip and I was driving. After quite a while, I asked him if he wanted to stop for coffee or something to drink. It was the funniest thing he had ever said up until that point in my life. I almost wrecked the car I was laughing so hard.
“I’m so drunk I can’t feel my prosthetic leg” my friend Andy who doesn’t have a prosthetic leg but was indeed really drunk.
– “Fucking ducks. I knew they’d be a pain in my ass.”- a friend of mine while we were staying at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, the hotel she had picked for a girls’ trip getaway, specifically because she was all excited about the twice-daily duck parade. She wasn’t so excited when the crowd viewing the ducks were blocking our way to the elevators.
– “Y’all seen a gray raft full of handicapped kids?” – white water rafting guide as a group of us were rafting past him in North Carolina. Apparently, he had lost his handicapped charges.
Get yer thumb outta your ass and start playing basketball- Bill L`s nemises as coach at Dunbar High. (YOU AND ME, OUTSIDE, OLD MAN!)
I would like to bend her over the prep table- Sixty year old man referring to an 18 year old waitress.
Are you getting any gravel for your goose? – At the time 85 year old great grandfather.
I’ll bet that thing is as bald as a Georgia peach.- Lawyer I worked for referring to a legal assistant.
Why did you unload in my mouth? -Bar slut who did the deed for a half hour.
Well, like they say in the movies, That a goddamn shame. -Boss after requesting two days off three weeks in advance.
“My dad was in the Corps. He always said Semper Pussy.” – a friend after walking past a strip joint called “Pussy Corps”
“That guy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.” My dad, referring to our town’s mayor.
“I can’t understand why he ejaculated so soon.” A nun discussing a plane crash involving a fighter jet at an air show in which the pilot used the ejector-seat function.
“Some people, you just don’t want their business.”- My high school boss (movie theater) after giving a refund when it was standard policy to NEVER give refunds, only free tickets for future shows.
“This wouldn’t be a bad place to work if it wasn’t for all these interruptions, I mean ‘customers'”- Employee at same movie theater.
Man: “Don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk!” Woman, in response: “You old coot!” Overheard on the street in NYC. The most G-rated confrontation possible.
“Of all the things I could’ve said to confuse her, I didn’t think ‘taco’ was one of them.” – Friend in the college cafeteria
“She’s so damn hot I’d do her on the conference room table with my parents watching”, a former grad student of mine who was, ahem, enamored, of a gal in the incoming first year class. She was indeed hot.
Not really a quote, but a sign in a bar in Myrtle Beach: There will be absolutely no working during drinking hours. Still laugh every time I see it.
Quotes:
“Gotta float some turtles” – friend announcing a dump
“You making a career outta that job?” – co-worker not impressed with the speed at which I was working
“I’ll hang one on your horn” – Old co-worker threatening a punch in the nose
“More fun than pitch-forking dead babies” – quite disturbed co-worker
“Slipperier than owl shit” – co-worker with an apparent new metric for lubrication
I’d like to bite into that and pray for lockjaw – a kid in high school commenting about a pretty classmate
We’re all on the fucking titanic and you guys are fighting over seats! – a former work colleague during a meeting where a project was going off the rails
He’s got more mouth than a cows got twat- Ozzy Osborne referring to Kevin DuBrow of quiet riot. This quote was from Creem magazine back in the mid-80’s and I still remember it.
“Haven’t had this much fun since the pigs ate my little brother”. Heard my wife {not wife then} say that during a set while on the bandstand (stage) at the Mint in Vegas 40 years ago. She probably got it from one of her Okie relatives…most likely Milo. I keep it alive oh yes I do.
Gotta let some wombats off the bus – a friend announcing a toilet visit!
Gotta release some chocolate hostages – my 13 year old son
If my Grandma didn’t like someone, she’d say she “wouldn’t shit in the rain for him.”
“I’d drag my dick through a mile of broken glass, just to jerk off on her shadow.” – My buddy John, whispered to me during a business meeting led by a very attractive woman.
A variation I have heard: “I’d drag my balls over eight miles of broken glass, just to watch her pee.”
“ I’d do him back-down in gravel” said by a colleague when I asked if she liked George Strait.
“I’d eat her till the brown foam run outta her ass” A buddy talking about a cute neighbor.
“I gotta go grow a monkey tail.” – a very attractive girl at work who was on her way to the bathroom (while holding her stomach).
When I was in the military I recall the Filipino cooks saying we were “shitting the bull.” I have used that phrase ever since.
“You smell like a couple of used bar rags” – My mother to my sister and I strolling in around 3:00 AM.
“My belly thinks my throat’s been cut” – 3 hungry uncles on a very long road trip.
“I wouldn’t piss on you if you was on fire” one elderly nursing home resident to another.
“You mean dem babies is bombed???” Incredulous poison control lady operator when my mother called after my younger sisters got into the liquor cabinet. They were 8 and 3 years old back in the early 70s.
“Cuts Like Chicken Tastes Like Ham” a comment by a wedding guest who was eating Chicken Cordon Bleu for the first time.
“What’s so special about that fish?” woman at South of the Border looking at a model of the largest Great white shark ever caught
“That’s what happens if you don’t poop” said by a Grandmother to her grandchild at the Mutter Museum when viewing the megacolon…. as my friend said “And thus a life long laxative addition is born” https://www.muttermuseumstore.org/products/mega-colon-plush
My mother-“If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.”
Now that’s hilarious.
My mom = it ain’t right” after any kind of injustice. Usually followed up with “those bastards”
Also, about the local crazy guy wandering the streets of our hometown: “He’s a couple of pickles short of a full barrel…”
“My weenie’s in a vice!” -rather uptight member of upper management
“We should ask her if she wants a wiener.” -coworker as an attractive woman jogged by while we were grilling hot dogs at a company cookout
“I’ve ridden a ship to the bottom before, bailing all the way…” -former boss, on leaving the company that was about to go bankrupt.
“Finer than frog’s hair.” -co-worker’s typical response to “how ya doin?”
I wouldn’t piss up your ass if your guts were on fire.
These are fantastic. My Dad always said the dictionary (sympathy, shit and syphilis) line, but he also was fond of these:
“Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot even if the instructions were printed on the bottom”
“The only way you could get any dumber is to get bigger”.
“It’s a blacksmith dog” …?… “Kick him in the ass, he makes a bolt for the door”