I showed up for yesterday’s eye appointment ten minutes early, and was given a clipboard with a form attached. “Please have a seat and fill that out… both sides,” the woman in inexplicable hospital scrubs instructed. “And take it to the exam room with you.”
It asked for my name, home address, social security number (why??), telephone numbers, etc. Then there was a long list of ailments, and I was supposed to check the ones I “suffer.”
The first few were understandable (heart disease, diabetes, asthma), but then it got weird. They wanted to know if I suffer from “surgery.” I don’t get it. And they also asked if I suffer from “alcohol use.” Most assuredly not!
I checked the NO box all the way down, and signed the back of the form. Below the signature box it asked if I give them permission to leave messages on my answering machine. Just any kind of messages? I’d like to restrict it to relevant subjects, and not just three minutes of fart sounds, or whatever. But they didn’t provide a space where I could write all that, so I just checked YES.
Another woman in scrubs (are they performing surgeries back there??) called my name, and took me to a small room. I was told to put my chin in a stirrup, and she shot a blast of air into each of my eyes. Said she was checking my “pressure,” whatever that means.
After a few more questions, she led me to an exam room and said the doctor would be there shortly. I took out my phone and started monkeying around on the internet for a few minutes, and the dude finally arrived. He shook my hand like we were old friends reuniting, and said, “How ya been, man?”
Man? What’s the story with super-casual eye doctors? I’ve had several in my life, including one in California who used a lot of profanity. Needless to say that kind of thing doesn’t offend me, but the setting and the circumstances made it feel a bit odd. You don’t really expect a doctor to use words like “shitty” during an examination. Ya know?
But the guy yesterday wasn’t cussing, he just acted like we were buddies. Probably just his style… No big deal.
He put the big apparatus in front of my face, and began flicking lenses and asking if each improved my vision any. He was very friendly and nice, and I felt a little guilty about the three years that have passed since I last visited his office. But he didn’t lecture me about it.
“Do you have time for me to dilate your pupils?” he asked near the end.
“Well, I have to go to work…” I started.
“It’s been a while,” he interrupted. “And I’d feel better if I did a thorough examination.”
Whatever… man. He put two drops into each of my eyes, and told me to go to a holding area down the hall, to give the drops time to work their magic.
And I sat out there for an hour twenty minutes.
While I waited, I could hear a kid screaming bloody murder inside one of the exam rooms. Just shrieking with complete unbridled gusto… Good god.
Then a door to one of the other rooms opened, near where I was sitting, and the doctor told a very old woman that she doesn’t need glasses. “Your vision is fine,” he said. “No it isn’t!” she hollered. And he just chuckled and extracted himself from the situation.
The woman had a handler with her, a girl in her early twenties. The girl tried to get the old lady from the exam chair to a wheelchair. “I can’t see the wheelchair!!” the old woman screamed, and the girl, now fully exasperated, said, “It’s sitting right in front of you.” “But I’m not looking in that direction, you idiot!” the old lady shouted.
What a nasty old bag… I can’t wait until I can get away with acting that way. It’ll be kick-ass!
Many people entered and left the holding area while I was there, but my name was never called. I was there forever, and kept looking at my wrist with irritation, even though I wasn’t wearing a watch. Finally, at the seventy minute mark, I found one of the scrub nurses.
“I’ve been waiting for an hour and ten minutes. He didn’t forget about me, did he?” I asked in a good-natured way.
“An hour and ten minutes?” the woman answered, sarcastically, as if she didn’t believe me.
“That’s right.”
“What time did you come out of the exam room?”
“An hour and ten minutes ago,” I said.
“Well, he certainly didn’t forget about you. Just have a seat, and your name will be called when it’s your turn,” she said, as if addressing a large retarded boy. A large retarded boy who was trying to jump the queue.
Grrr…
When I sat down, an older man seated nearby laughed and said, “Those drops are going to wear off. They might have to start over.” And I just shook my head with sadness.
About ten minutes later, the doc came out and called my name. Then he began apologizing for the wait. “The woman in front of you is a good friend of my parents, and she just loves to talk. I’m sorry it took so long, but I couldn’t be rude to her.”
What the hell?? I told him I needed to go to work, and he made me wait for eighty minutes while he chitchatted? Man, that really steams my carrots…
He finished the exam in roughly three minutes, and told me everything looked good. But it might be a full week before my replacement lenses arrive. A week?! But I can’t see anything! I’m living in a fuzzy wuzzy world here, I shouted. “They have to be manufactured,” he shrugged, and expertly extracted himself from the situation.
My eyes were still dilated, and it wasn’t easy driving home. I had to squint like Gilbert Gottfried, and it was still rough-going. I was afraid I might crash into someone, ’cause it was just colors and abstract shapes in front of me.
But I made it without killing anyone. I stumbled into the house and grabbed my lunch and iPod, and told the younger Secret I was going to work. Shit… this was sucking. I wasn’t looking forward to a forty mile drive, with my pupils the size of dimes. Way too much light…
It was dusk at this point, and as I merged onto I-81 it looked like a kaleidoscope. Holy crap! I stayed to the right, and started muttering amateur prayers.
The guy on the radio reminded me that a large snowstorm was also about to hammer us, starting between seven and eight o’clock. It just kept getting better and better…
I made it about ten miles on 81, before I said fukkit. I couldn’t see a damn thing, and wouldn’t be able to see my computer screen after I arrived. What was I doing?? So, I called my boss and asked if I could just take the night off.
“Yeah, that’s cool,” he said. “Half the employees called-off because of the storm, so there’s nothing going on.”
So, I went to the beer store, returned home, put on a giant pair of sweatpants and had a pleasant evening in front o’ the television with Toney. At first I was having trouble looking at the Big Ass TV, but everything leveled-out, and we watched a Ricky Gervais special on HBO. Then, after Toney went to bed, I watched The Hammer with Adam Carolla.
It was much better than going to work, if you want to know the truth. So much better. But it’s the first time in more than two years that I haven’t reported to work. I NEVER call-off, not ever. So, there was a certain amount of guilt.
Oh well. I’m going back today, and they can give the ol’ ball vise an extra half-turn to make me pay for my sins. And I will be absolved.
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
The guy in the picture looks like he wants to taste you.
He just farted.
SILVER!!
Bronze?
They ask for your SSN in case you want to BUY A GUN while you are in there.
I was at a dentist once and their ailment checklist had the question “Are you just checking all the “No” boxes without reading the questions”? I didn’t know how to responded, if I said yes that means I read the question, which would make the answer “No”. If I answered “No” then the answer wouldn’t provide for the intent of the question. I just wrote “WTF” over the check blocks.
Between the scrubs and the fact that they still shoot air into your eyes, you need to find another eye guy. My eye guy uses a super high resolution microscope camera to take a picture of my head balls to see whatever it is they used to prove with the Nerf Blaster X10000.
I have also had casual eye doctors. The guy I go to now talks to me about how his family started off in Utah as a jeweler in the wild west days and that why he has a sign on his office that says “Someguy Optometry since 1845” or some similar bullshit. Eye doctors are by far the coolest doctors, much better than those uppity holier than thou dentist dickskins.
nerf blaster!!! fucking awesome!
I think the blast of air in the eyes is a gimmick to charge you more. All it does is make me want to blink. The scrubs also justify a higher bill.
Last time a medical person made me wait in a room more than an hour, I left the room and walked to the bathroom without bottoms on (I like commando). Should have seen the uproar I caused.
Haven’t missed a day of work due to illness in over thirty years. It seemes to be a threat to my employment every where I go. Using the “sick days” to justify a day at the park with my kids seems to justify the fake appointments I make.
3 days till Cake concert. Waiting for the awesome Cuban sandwiches in St. Pete is making me hungry right now, and I just had lunch. 10 days till Linkin Park.
Stay safe in the snowstorms. Cheers.
The pupil dilating drops feel like bits of glass brined in salty acid for a second or two and then things get fuzzy. Fun stuff.
We make it a family ritual between Christmas and New Years to get the whole family’s eyes checked. Since our guy has his practice at the mall, it’s no big deal to spend the time.
My GP once caught me off guard. He looks like Dr Kelso and has always been as professional, caring and open as can be. He was gauging my stress level by getting me to talk about work while taking my blood pressure and suggested a solution I wouldn’t have thought of “just tell them to Fuck Off!”…. It really caught me off guard just as your old eye Dr did.
I hate going to any kind of doctor. I have to go at least once every three months though because of the medication I take. I usually try and get there early so that maybe I will be seen early. The last appointment I had was for 3:45. I was there at 3:30 and didn’t get into my truck to leave until 5:30. I was so fucking pissed. I think after you have to wait for so long the doctor should have to pay you. Time is precious mother fucker and I don’t want to waste it sitting here waiting on you.
That made me angry just reading it.
Angry for having to read it.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
Just for fun, I like to check “yes” to everything, including chronic premenstrual cramping…
I can’t believe he waited that long before saying something. I’d have been bitchin’ at about the 30 minute mark. Wotta buncha crap.
I have had my pupils dilated as well and I couldn’t believe they just sent me out the door and into my car. It was the middle of summer, in the middle of the day and I might as well have just drank a case of beer an stumbled out a bar. I have no freakin’ clue how I made it home.
Don’t you own sunglasses?
Sunglasses really don’t help much. I went on a cloudy day and my eyes were killing me from those stupid drops. Then I went on a sunny day and thought I’d die a slow death . With sunglasses!
I had to fill out one of those questionnaire things at the dentist office the other day. I checked no for all listed afflictions and in the blank that says “Other – not listed above” I wrote in Scurvy, Rickets and The Willys. My hygienist was laughing her ass off and it was 8:00 in the morning.
“The Willys”, I’m stealing that.
Thanks for the idea. I’m going with The Hebegeebes next time. Can’t wait!
reminds me of a famous quote from the late Chicago mayor Harold Washington on his political nemesis at the time Ed Vrdolyak:
“The man gives me the horrors and the heebee jeebies.”
Put a black baptist preacher accent on it and you simply have to laugh out loud.
“the willys” is good too. My mom used to to say “the collywobbles”.
Relaxed doctors…
“Well, don’t want to sound like a dick or nothin’, but, uh… it says on your chart that you’re fucked up. uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded. What I’d do, is just like… like… uh…you know, like, you know what I mean, like… ”
Great. Movie.
Where’s your mark?
I had a “snow day” on Monday and didn’t come into my office until 9:30 yesterday on account of the ICY conditions. Damn, we’re a bunch of wusses down here. I admit it.
Monday was kinda fun, though, even if I was worried all day about what might be sitting on my desk just tick, tick, ticking away ready to blow up in my face when I got back to my office. We were all at home. Mostly watched a bunch of shitty TV, all the time waiting for the ice to bring down powerlines and cut the cable and internets.
SS# is so they can send you to collections if you don’t pay.
The blast of air is used to measure interoccular pressure. It’s a glaucoma test.
I had my eye exam in the summer. 90 humid degree’s and sunny. She put the drops in my eyes and, as I said in yesterdays post, I don’t know how I made it home. The shit lasted for hours, too. When it wore off and I looked in the mirror, I had a yellow halo around my eye lids from that crap bleeding out everywhere. I might as well had a piece of lettuce on my front tooth all day and no one told me.
My gynecologist is a friendly guy. Mainly because he is good friends with the doctor I work for. It’s a little hard to make small talk when he’s “down there” digging around. I guess he thinks it will take your mind off of what’s really going on. It doesn’t. I just feel like a bowling ball.
King of Queens had a funny line – The Vagina Whisperer.
If it’s any help, when I went to the urologist to discuss the life threatening surgery knows as a Vasectomy… I had to stand on a little box and he wheeled his chair over to put “me” at eye level. I felt like a table dancer.
Well..I guess that was better than him getting on his knees. LMAO!!
When I went in for my Big V surgery, the doctor looked at my chart, noticed my profession, and then proceeded to ask me about the relative merits of incorporation vs. forming a LLC–while he was cuttin’ on my scrotum.
He was the recipient of the best legal advice I’ve ever given.
“If the law will not protect The Dude’s junk, then the law is an ass.”
I think Charles Dickens wrote that in Oliver Twist.
jtb
“You can carry her like a six pack of beer, I don’t care, just get her out of here!”
My wife always takes great care to fix things up “down there” before she goes to the gynecologist. I find that mildly disturbing. And the girl that does her bikini wax thing is a lesbo. My wife said she tends to linger when she puts oil down there. I don’t find that disturbing at all.
I had the urologist on his knees feeling my junk and exclaiming how my nutsack was all shrunk up to the size of a coupla raisins – then he said:
“well hey, I mean, we just met, right?”
I gave him a WTF look and got the hell out of there…
I usually tag-team with my wife when we go to the eye doctor. We make consecutive appointments, so that one of us can drive home while the other points out obstacles.
Last time there, after the dilating drops, I came out of the exam room and began walking into chairs and walls and stuff. Much to the pleasure of my other half.
As far as waiting time goes, I used to make the latest appointment possible so that I could get home from work “early.” Even then they’d keep me waiting, and I’m doing a slow burn. Then the Dr. says my BP is high.
I had to wait for 40 minutes at the gyno’s office and as soon as I muttered “WHAT THE FUCK!” I heard the click of the door being opened. I know he heard me so I gathered all my aplomb and told him “You clearly have the upper hand seeing that I’m in a paper dress, but I’ve been waiting an awfully long time for you.” Ever since then I get treated pretty well.
I hate the eye doctor. That stupid click-click Is it better this way? Or (click click) this way?” sixty eight consecutive times, I swear, I’ve said “Yeah that way” when I couldn’t even register anymore. I’m sure I’ve worn the wrong perscription a few times.
I hate waiting for doctors, but I do understand waiting at the gyno’s. They get called away multiple times during any given day to deliver babies. That, and they over book their days to squeeze every last possible penny out.
My doctor is an unapologetic fag. Last time I went to his office he was wearing a black blouse with orange flowers all over it. I saw him and his fat assed bearded lover at Cosco. He was screaming for someone to help so I walked over and discovered the fat one on the ground by their car throwing up. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just stood there and watched him puke. My doctor was running around waving his arms until the fat guy said, “I’m fine, Gerald. I think that lasagna was old. Spoilt, maybe.” And he got up, wiped the puke from his beard, and walked towards the store like nothing ever happened.
He probably never washed his hands, either, and proceeded to graze on the freebies by the food section.
Prolly so. He strikes me as one of those that would jag their cart in the isle in such a way that nobody else could get by. He was wearing dress shoes with no socks. When he started vomiting he kicked his shoes off, which was weird. So he sat up beside his pile of puke and slipped his shoes on.
The doctor wears a ring on every single one of his fingers. He’s obsessed with opals. So you can imagine how that looks. He’s got a very hot nurse though. And she took a look at my dick one time when I came in because it burned when I pissed. She said I must have damaged it during vilent sex. She just held it there. I could feel her nostril air all over it. Talk about an akward erection.
Awesome.
I once had to drive up I-77 about 50 miles and have my eyes checked. They put drops in my eyes that may have been bad. Driving home it was like looking at the sun through crumpled yellow cellophane. 70 mph and I can’t see a thing and it begins to piss the rain down. That was a sphincter tightener.
I recently went to QuickCare on a Sunday evening because a wisdom toof was killing me. I had to fill out one of those forms. I filled it out and then the nurse who escorted me to the little room asked me all the questions over again. WTF?
And the doc was pretty casual. He looked at my jaw that was the size of Kobe’s ego and said ‘Man, that’s messed up!’ Thanx, Trapper John.
As Greg said, the blast of air is to check for glaucoma and ocular hypertension (conditions that can cause blindness), but you are not supposed to feel it, they are supposed to give you numbing drops first.
The SSN is partly so they have an alternative way to confirm your insurance since insurance companies tend to randomly change ID numbers occasionally at renewal and people sometimes forget to put the new card in their wallet. Also, they can check Medicare/Medicaid eligibility with it.
Next time you have to be somewhere after an eye exam, ask for the un-dilating drops, they burn worse than squeezing a lemon directly in your eye, but vision returns to normal in 20 minutes.
The waiting thing, I can’t really explain; other than the fact that it is not always their fault. Emergencies and patients that misstate the reason for making an appointment or turn out to have a major problem when in for a simple exam are beyond the doctor’s control. (I used to work for a pair of eye surgeons, they sometimes had to cancel a whole day’s worth of appointments because they had to take someone into surgery ASAP).
My eye doc is also a gearhead, cars and motorcycles usually dominate the conversation.
I can tell you exactly why you have to wait when you go to the Dr.’s. They overschedule worse than an airline.
I made my last appointment at 7:30 AM, the earliest possible. Imagine my surprise when I get there at 7:20, and there are SEVEN people ahead of me, waiting to check in for their 7:30 appointment with the same Dr., and then 2 more arrive shortly after me for the same time.
My husband once went to an eye Dr. that also made him wait (but in the waiting room) for over two hours. When he finally went to check with the front desk, they told him that she hadn’t arrived at the clinic yet for the day-WTF?
Very pleasant update. I really like how it ended. Of course blowing off work and going to the dive bar and getting into a bar fight might have been more fun.
For your information this update was written at a 4.6 grade level.
I’ve had overly mean doctors and nurses, teaching hospitals are the worst. Imagine an army of Jo from Scrubs.
Tomorrow is Sparkfun Electronics free day, get all of your nerd shit.
I just farted in my new office chair so long and hard it got lower.
“The woman had a handler with her, a girl in her early twenties. The girl tried to get the old lady from the exam chair to a wheelchair. “I can’t see the wheelchair!!” the old woman screamed, and the girl, now fully exasperated, said, “It’s sitting right in front of you.” “But I’m not looking in that direction, you idiot!” the old lady shouted.
What a nasty old bag… I can’t wait until I can get away with acting that way. It’ll be kick-ass!”
Are your sure the old bag wasn’t Sunshine in cognito?
I recently had a colonoscopy. The night before I swallowed a bunch of change and some rubber night crawlers and 3 gi joe figures.
I like to hide things in my ass if I’m taking an international flight and think I might be subjected to a cavity search. You know, just odd and end stuff – a toy truck, a roll of Mentos, a little note that says “you’re getting warmer”, stuff like that.
Mentos: Very refreshing…
I thought that was Junior Mints?
>I recently had a colonoscopy. The night before I swallowed a bunch of change and some rubber night crawlers and 3 gi joe figures.<
I've always wanted to eat a side of beef ribs, corn-on-the-cob & a sleeve of Oreos, then go directly to the dentist.
Bermuda onion, kimchee, and a horse turd.
Blue Cheese, Chocolate Milk and Garlic
Limberger cheese, haggis, and anchovies.
Chewing tobacco.
A simple solution: big plate of Caesar salad. The kind I like is full of garlicky, fishy, cheesy stinky goodness.
.
Taco Bell, McDonalds, and Old Milwaukee.
Oh, we’re talking about a dentist checkup not a colonoscopy.
Old school big GI Joes?
I love you people.
Doctors waiting rooms need some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Don’t forget the 40 taps’ worth of imports and microbrews.
.
Our boy swang for the for the fence on this here update and he connected! Total classic, maybe even a watershed moment.
Oh, and the Further Evidence link? So noble and righteous.
I’m rick james bitch!
I once yelled that and took a swing at a good friend of mine and landed in my yard. He and another friend just stepped over me and went to Uncle Bill’s.
Once again, extremely good update. Not sure why, maybe because it tells one story and is just that.
Both Jeff and the commenters are on their game today, I see.
Happy Thursday, Surfers!
Jeff…
A 5-star post. When you make the narrative small, confine it to something we can all relate to, and focus on the small things (e.g., scrubs), nobody tells a better story; nobody, in point of fact comes close.
jtb
I know there are a lot of cheese fans among the Reporter community, and I suspect there are a number of font geeks here as well.
OK, it’s time to play…
CHEESE OR FONT
Let the game begin…
http://cheeseorfont.mogrify.org/
jtb
Jeff,
Where’s your Amazon link? I don’t see it anywhere!
If you have an ad-blocker then you won’t see it.
Great googly-moogly – I really should have thought of that first. duh!
Garrett,
It’s at the “about” link, bottom of the page.
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/about/
Or you can click on Now playing in the bunker and it will take you to Amazon, I would assume this qualifies for a link?
I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass but I only came up with 1362 words and frankly, I feel a little cheated.
He probably got triple bonus points for “Grrr…”
Rounding error?
If I include the date it comes up to 1366, I hardly consider the date words about the dentist. I doubt Jeff thought anybody would be so bored at work today to actually check how many words are in the post. Now that I’ve cleared that up, it’s time for .40 chicken wings and $1.50 drafts, my work here, is done.
.40 cent wings? Where you goin, Willis?
Dutch mill…
Good Evening Surf Reporters…
I’m looking for a Sunny sighting… no head nor hide? Where is she, Jeff, where is she….?
Dto or WB when we going to a reds game?
Sometime around or after March 31st. Opening Day on a Thursday, in March, further evidence the end is near.
Sunny’s in a van, down by the river.
I havr my tix for opening day. In between head first or omalleys
Never been to Opening Day, are they doing the whole Finley Market parade deal on Thursday? For some reason I’m thinking they’re saving the parade for the following Monday.
I havr my tix for opening day. In between head first or omalleys
Opening day parade happens on opening day
“….as if addressing a large retarded boy”. Classic.