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12 Signs You Might Be Staying at a Bad Hotel

October 14, 2013 By Jeff 47 Comments

motelroom

  • The man at the front desk informs you your room door is missing its knob, and hands you a chain and padlock instead.
  • You find a human jawbone in the nightstand drawer.
  • Rats are having sex on the lawn.
  • Occasionally the lights dim, and a man’s muffled screams can be heard in the distance.
  • You discover an intricately woven pube doily in the tub.
  • There’s considerable evidence that somebody recently wiped with your bath mat.
  • After you turn off the lamp and TV, beams of light shine through the peepholes drilled into your walls.
  • There’s a vending machine in the hall filled with nothing but gauze and other supplies used for dressing wounds.
  • The TV only shows hidden camera footage of what’s going on in the other rooms.
  • When you take a shower in the morning you notice somebody else’s toenail clippings falling off your legs and collecting on the drain.
  • You are awakened by the sound of dogs fighting, and men cheering.
  • You find yourself in a philosophical discussion with your travel partner about what each of you see in the giant stains in the carpet (a clipper ship? a child at play?), and what it all means.

Yeah, I’m going to keep working on this one. I ran out of time. Maybe you guys can help me out, as well? What are some other indications you might be in a bad hotel? Use the comments link below.

And I’ll be back tomorrow, with some regular stuff.

See ya then!

Now playing in the bunker
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Comments

  1. Dogberryjr says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    13) The swimming pool has been filled with dirt.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      October 14, 2013 at 3:41 pm

      That’s one that I have witnessed!

      Reply
  2. Steve in WV says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    The beds are inexplicably damp.

    Reply
  3. Ozzie Bucco says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    there’s a faintly visible chalk outline of a body on the rug.

    Reply
  4. Ognir says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Back in the early days of the internets, I use to see ads on Yahoo’s dating section for swinger parties at a local motel. I often wondered what the people staying there must have thought about that sort of thing going on around them.

    Reply
  5. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    There are fresh blood stains on the ceiling and there’s a suicide note dated yesterday on the nightstand.

    Reply
    • Miketheripper says

      October 15, 2013 at 7:54 am

      I stayed in a cheap old motel, yes MOTEL, in southern South Carolina on a hunting trip that had what appeared to be meat with hair on the ceiling. The rest of our party came to see it and we all agreed that someone committed suicide in the room in the not so distant past. We just shrugged it off and kept drinking…..

      Reply
  6. chill says

    October 14, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    It’s a bad sign if the front desk area is separated from the lobby by an inch-thick polycarbonate window.
    .

    Reply
    • Uncle_Wedgie says

      October 14, 2013 at 3:04 pm

      You just described most motels in Texas

      Reply
      • C1-NRB says

        October 14, 2013 at 5:21 pm

        and Washington, DC

        Reply
    • Clueless says

      October 15, 2013 at 7:39 am

      Or there isn’t a lobby accessible by foot, only a drive-thru heavily fortified window with a warning to stay in the car and not walk around the area. (For real, Indianapolis in the late 90’s. And no, we didn’t stay.)

      Reply
  7. John Smith says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    A dog sleeping in the lobby is never a good sign.

    Reply
  8. Phantom Railfan says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    –The sign outside announces “New! Hot water available!”

    Reply
  9. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    They list the waste treatment and trash incinerator plant next door as a “Nearby attractions” on their brochure.

    While you’re there the Guideons knock on the door and ask for their bible back.

    Reply
  10. Chris says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    The carpet is circa 1970s shag long and you find razor blades conveniently hidden in it.

    Reply
  11. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    The front desk clerk is wearing a necklace made of human ears.

    When you check in you are automatically registered as a competior in that nights cage fighting match.

    Reply
  12. TR says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    I once stayed at a Howard Johnson just outside of Philly that had a crack pipe sitting on top of the heater/A.C.

    Reply
  13. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    The desk clerk asks “Just to save time, how many kidneys do you have?”

    Reply
  14. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    A dejected looking exterminator is seen taking down the “Ask us about our Bedbug Free Guarantee!” sign out front.

    Reply
  15. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    There appears to be an unlicensed all night tattoo parlor being operated out of the adjoining room.

    Reply
  16. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    There are hookers picketing the lobby

    Reply
  17. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Your rooms previous occupants appear to have forgotten to take their meth lab with them.

    Reply
  18. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    There’s a human finger in the toothbrush holder.

    Reply
  19. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    You’re offered complimentary tetanus and penicillin shots at check in.

    Reply
  20. Vegasrandall says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    in the parking lot everyone’s licence plates are local

    Reply
  21. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    The sign out front says “Welcome Neo-Nazis!”

    Reply
  22. ol_duke says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    That is an awesome 50’s pic. Wait, what? That’s a current pic of WV motel?

    Reply
  23. Ozzie Bucco says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    there are used condoms drying out on the towel rack.

    Reply
  24. Ozzie Bucco says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    You decide to watch “adult entertainment” on the TV, and it’s you and your wife during your last visit.

    Reply
  25. Jorge says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    The clerk hurridly gives you your room key and a small, heavy box and tells you to “Hold on to this. I’ll come get it in a little while.”

    Reply
  26. Bill in WV says

    October 14, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    The bed pillows smell like a long-haul trucker’s armpit.

    Dry boogers speckle the wall tiles, directly behind the toilet.

    With lights out and use of a black light, the entire room glows in the dark.

    Reply
  27. madz1962 says

    October 14, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    They’re really proud of their new COLOR TV decal.

    In the adjoining bar, when you ask for a rum & coke, the bartender asks “How many grams?”

    You open the King James bible and see a cut out for a hand gun throughout the pages.

    Reply
  28. dto says

    October 14, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    There’s a Glock 9mm at the front desk with a sign-out sheet next to it.

    The fob for your room key is a baseball bat.

    The security guard uses a walker.

    Reply
  29. JCIII says

    October 14, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…

    If memory serves, didn’t Sunshine and Mumbles stay in a motel that had a chain and padlock on the door to the room?

    Signs you’re in a bad motel…

    Tourniquets are sold in the vending machine.

    Workout room has nothing but a broomstick with 2 cinderblocks tied to it

    Room service insists you keep the plastic utensils “for next time”.

    Wake up calls are gunshots.

    Turn down service is just flipping the mattress.

    Continental breakfast is an old Pop-Tart and powdered milk.

    Your room key is a screwdriver.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 15, 2013 at 8:48 am

      Love the last one!

      Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      October 15, 2013 at 11:17 am

      Turn down service is somebody calling you at 4:00 in the morning, saying “I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last person on Earth”.

      Reply
  30. Lori F. says

    October 14, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    Sign at the hotel office says “No Refunds after 15 minutes”

    Reply
  31. The4thStooge says

    October 14, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    The hotel smells like moldy feet.

    You realize that the dye from your (and almost every other girl’s) custom dyed shoes is coming off because the carpet is wet. Because you’re in a hotel…DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!

    (I always wondered why they’d let us have the prom there so cheaply…thanks Flood of 1993!)

    Reply
  32. hardoxdan says

    October 15, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Bath towel costs $4.00 extra.

    The room rents by the hour.

    There is more hair on the sheets than on my legs.

    The front desk guy just got off the boat from India or Pakistan.

    The shower has a foot of standing water in it.

    The room is 90 degrees and the thermostat controls absolutely nothing.

    I have experienced all of this.

    Reply
  33. Reefie says

    October 15, 2013 at 5:18 am

    The “Magic Fingers” massage bed is not working.

    Reply
  34. Laina says

    October 15, 2013 at 10:13 am

    This is disgusting. Not that it isn’t funny, just also disgusting.

    Reply
  35. T-STORM says

    October 15, 2013 at 10:50 am

    It’s called the Ramadan Inn.

    Reply
  36. T-STORM says

    October 15, 2013 at 10:58 am

    I stayed at the Ranch Motel in CuyaHoga Falls, OH and it had the dogs barking. I also got yelled at by management for having a guest.

    The shower was basically a drain with a shower head.

    I stayed at a budget Inn in Indy (lot’s of in’s) and woke up with a candy wrapper in the bed that I didn’t eat. Also complained to the front desk that there was no soap or shampoo and he said “Oh, we don’t do that”.

    Reply
  37. Court says

    October 15, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Your towels will have shit stains on them. As will the replacement towels delivered by housekeeping when you call the front desk to complain.

    Reply
    • DataTater says

      October 15, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      But the ones on the replacement towels will be fresher.

      Reply
  38. cross lanes curmudgeon says

    October 15, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Porn mag collection found between box spring and mattress

    Reply
    • chill says

      October 15, 2013 at 5:19 pm

      …and why would I be looking there? Sounds a lot like “asking for trouble”.
      .

      Reply

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