Holy crap in a Bundt pan... Due to the recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and Iím an Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And Iím here to serve, baby.

The View From Down Here
A journal of sorts, updated every once in a while.

Gutsiest photographer ever

August 22, 2007

-- Our Season of Way Too Much continues today. My parents are currently en route, and will be staying at Jeff & Toneyís Bed and Breakfast Inn and Old Country Saloon through Sunday. 

Tomorrow I think weíre going to Knoebels again, and there are other similar items on the docket as well. Itís been one of the strangest summers of my ridiculous life...

Nobody can accuse us of not taking advantage of my ďtime off.Ē Oh, weíve done plenty. But during all our travels and adventures, thereís always something nagging and gnawing at the back of my mind: my, um, employment deficit.

So, itís been bizarre; almost unreal. Weíre doing many of the things we want to do, but I canít fully enjoy them. Iím sort of detached from it all, being there physically, and somewhere else as well. Know what I mean? Itís hard to explain...     

Last year we didnít do a damn thing, and felt guilty about it. And this summer we did a lot, and felt guilty about it.

And so it goes.

-- Thereís a lot of season-jumping going on up here, and it pisses me off. For the past few days itís been, as they say, unseasonably cool. And doucheketeers have taken to wearing full-on winter coats.

It irritates me, because itís stupid. For one thing itís not so cold you need to break out the freakiní arctic expedition parka. Ya know? Itís like 60 degrees, or something. Get real. 

Plus, itís August. Common sense tells us itíll be hotter than an Operation Overlord scrotum again within a matter of days. And weíll all be gasping for air and fanning ourselves like a nation of mother-in-laws.

The same thing happens in late winter every year. Get two days in a row with highs in the 50s, and out come the shorts and flip-flops, and sometimes even that retarded white sun block people like to smear on their noses to show everyone theyíre outdoorsy.

God, how I hate the season-jumpers.

-- And since weíre on the subjectÖ I was at the library yesterday ďwritingĒ my ďbook,Ē and two women pissed me off.

I donít go to Panera anymore because itís too damn loud. The jazz music they play is at full concert volume, and for some reason thereís always a bunch of kids in there, suffering from DDD. 

So I switched to the library, and itís much better. Oh, they donít offer bottomless Dr. Peppers, but they do have the wiffy, and usually peace and quiet as well.

Usually, I say. Yesterday two women in their 30s, Iíd guess, were hanging out in the fiction section and catching-up via loud whispering.

Iím sure youíre familiar with this phenomenon. Itís when people believe theyíre whispering, but are actually as loud, or louder, than regular talking. Itís normal conversation, just real breathy.

And once I latched onto it, I couldnít let go. I sat there listening to all that psss! psssss!! pss!Ö, and grew more and more agitated. It almost ruined the entire outing.

-- Similarly, we were at the post office a few days ago, ordering our passports, and the clerk who helped us is one of those guys who laughs through his nose. Know what I mean? No sound ever comes out of his mouth during laughter, he just breathes in and out real fast through his nose holes.

I donít much care for it, but itís not as bad as loud whispering. In the grand scheme of things, nose laughter is pretty far down the list of irritations.

-- But he wouldnít let us use our existing photos. He said they were too big, and gave us a couple of options. Either we leave, have the pics re-done, and return later. Or he could take new pictures right there, for three times the price Samís charged us.

Weíd already waited in line for upwards of an hour, so he had us over a barrel. We had him take new photos (which were far less hideous than the earlier versions, by the way), and Toney went back to Samís and demanded her money back.

Supposedly we wonít see our passports until after the first of the year, which is what, five months? And those people want to be in charge of our health careÖ

-- Have you seen the Viagra commercial where five or six guys are sitting around playing musical instruments, smiling and winking at each other, and singing a catchy tune about their favorite erection-making pill? 

Vivaaaa Viagra!!

Is it just me, or do you think those dudes are about to bring new meaning to the phrase ďjam session?Ē Iím serious, I think theyíre eager to lay down a strong backbeat for each other. Or am I reading too much into it? 

-- Iím so excited! The mail was just delivered, and Iíve been summoned to jury duty. Itís my first time, and I canít wait to offer my "analysis" to the judicial system. They need somebody like me!  

-- And Iíll leave you now with a Question of the Day, based loosely on the subject that began this update: summer vacations.

What, in your opinion, are the most disappointing tourist attractions? I remember being mighty disappointed with Disney World when I was a kid, and havenít been back. What are the ones that didnít live up to your expectations?

Use the comments link below, wonít you? 

And Iíll be back as soon as I can. The next few days will probably be a bit challenging, but Iíll try to squeeze something out on the sly. You know, like in the dog food aisle of the grocery store...

See ya next time.






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