Holy crap in a Bundt pan... Due to the recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and Iím an Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And Iím here to serve, baby.

The View From Down Here
A journal of sorts, updated every once in a while.

Any idea what's going on here?

August 10, 2007

-- This is going to have be super-quick. Weíre supposed to leave for Canada around noon , and in true Jeff Kay fashion, I havenít done shit. Heck, I havenít even brought my duffle bag up from the basement yet, which is something I do to demonstrate progress to Toney. 

And itís also a pretty good indicator as to why I was a solid C student in high school. Pass the Tangy Taffy.

On a more positive note, Iím drinking a really kick-ass cup of coffee right now. Itís Dunkin Donuts brand, the kind you buy at the grocery store and make at home. How is it so impossibly good? Itís a question I cannot answer. But one thing Iím certain about:  it is the yum.

Do any of you have a travel checklist saved to your computer, like I do? Itís a Word document with everything I need to take with me when I travel. Whenever Iím packing for a trip, I just print one out and start checking shit off. If I donít, Iíve learned, I forget many things. Like pants.

On more than one occasion Iíve been in some foreign town somewhere, frantically searching for a place to buy a cheap bale of underwear. And once, when I was in Chicago on a business trip, I was forced to pay $11 for a stick of deodorant in the lobby gift shop, and it caused me to smell like a Polish whore all day. 

And I canít have that.

Thanks to everyone who sent me Ottawa travel tips. I appreciate it, and am also confused about something. Why does the subject of strip clubs keep coming up? Is Ottawa known for that? Is it the Amsterdam of North America, or something? I find this to be bizarre.

In any case, I probably wonít be hitting any titty bars with Nancy and my children this weekend, but I do intend on sampling as many Canadian beers as possible. And thereís also some talk of a river cruise, or somesuch. Iím not really clear on it.

Some very good news: Toney somehow worked it out where weíre apparently not going to be eating dinner at Nancyís house, not even once. Theyíre taking us to a pub tomorrow night, and I guess weíll all vote on a restaurant for Sunday. This is a huge slimy garlic-laden tofu-infused weight lifted off my shoulders. 

But Iím still taking lots and lots of Pop-Tarts, just in case... Yeah, Iím not as stupid as I look.

Iím not sure what kind of internet access Iíll have over the weekend, but Iím taking my laptop along, as well as my iPod and portable DVD player. If things get especially hairy (probably not good word to use in conjunction with NancyÖ), Iíll just disappear into Green Acres or the Rhino 70ís punk box. Eb and/or Wreckless Eric work wonders, Iíve found.

And is this update scattered and disjointed enough for you? Holy buttnuggets. Remember there wonít be an update on Monday, and I hope youíll spend the extra time signing up for our mailing list, ordering our t-shirts, and writing insensitive captions to great works of art.

And I need to go. Itís only a matter of time before Toney starts sighing real loud, and thatís not good. Itís not good for anyoneÖ

Iíll leave you with a weird Question of the Day that came to me while in the shower this morning. And here it is: 

If your family pet could read, what magazines do you think heíd subscribe to? What websites would she visit? I believe Andy would be partial to Ass-Lickerís Quarterly, Table Scrap Aficionado, and godhatesdeliverypersonnel dotcom. 

What about your pet? Use the comments link below.

And Iíll see you guys on Tuesday.

Have a great weekend!


Last updated
01/17/12 12:14 PM

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