Holy crap in a Bundt pan... Due to the recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and Iím an Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And Iím here to serve, baby.

The View From Down Here
A journal of sorts, updated every once in a while.

Almost too much to take in

August 8, 2007

-- Because itís been skeleton-melting hot outside, and we have two pre-teen boys, Iíve been getting more than the recommended daily allowance of Nickelodeon lately. Oh, thatís nothing new, of course, it just seems to be even more pronounced since the weather turned hot and moist, like weíre living way up inside a humongous butt crack.

Here are a few completely random/scattered observations and opinions:

I hate the new Spongebob voice (high and squeaky), and the same goes for Patrick (more of a cadence-change than an actual voice-change, but still suckiní). I canít even watch the show anymore, and it used to be my favorite.

Even discounting the voices, which isnít easy to do, I donít think the new shows are even in the neighborhood of funny. Today thereís lots of singing, and yelling, and noiseÖ Sometimes I have to check to see if weíre watching the Cartoon Network. 

And theyíve largely abandoned the simple story lines, for big epic tales often set in the Middle Ages, for some reason. Wot up wit dat?

Yeah, theyíve ruined a good thing, which is as predictable as my mid-morning sit-down. But at least we got a few years out of them before hitting the Scrappy Doo era. Ya know? I have the first two seasons on DVD, and theyíre still genius. Too bad they didnít quit before they made the entire world cringe at the sound of their theme song.

I canít stomach the Fairly Oddparents either. Sure, there might be one or two funny gags per episode, but the program is loud and obnoxious, and thereís just way too much hollering. I also donít like shows about magic and special powers, and that kind of shit. But maybe thatís just me?

Those shape-shifting ďgodparentsĒ (Iím a party hat!  Iím a slice of pie!) have the most irritating voices in all of cartoon-dom. And they also use Gilbert Gottfried a lot, as well as that monotone asshole Ben Stein. The whole thing makes my central nervous system cut in and out.

Jimmy Neutron falls into the magic powers category, and Iím not really a fan of that deal either. Itís not as noisy as some of the other shows, so it doesnít send me scrambling from the room when it comes on, but itís not very good. The dadís kinda funny, but other than thatÖ

As far as Nickelodeon cartoons go, I was always partial to the ones featuring regular kids in semi-regular situations. Hey Arnold! was always a favorite. Helga Pataki is one of the greatest characters of all time... And I liked Rocket Power as well. And Rugrats wasnít too bad, along with All Growed Up, or whatever it was called. Hell, I didnít even mind Ginger or The Wild Dingleberries.

When it comes to animated childrenís shows, I much prefer real kids that are not equipped with the ability to time-travel and cast spells and all that crapola. And, of course, optimistic sponges that live inside pineapples on the ocean floor...

The best live action show is Drake & Josh, by a long-shot. In fact, I think itís better than most ďrealĒ sitcoms on ďrealĒ networks. Some of the episodes are flat-out hilarious, and Josh Peck is one funny ex-fat boy. I think we watched a bakerís dozen episodes over the weekend, during a Drake & Josh marathon, and it was less painful than it sounds.

Nedís Declassified is pretty good as well. I like Cookie, the janitor, and the assistant principal. And The Amanda Show is always worth a few dozen laughs. 

Zoey 101 isnít too bad, except for Zoey. She sucks. Jamie Lynn Spears (Britneyís sister, correct?) has about as much comedic talent as a wheel of cheese. Sheís horrible; sheís almost as funny as Joan Baez, or multiple sclerosis. If theyíd dump Zoey from Zoey 101, it would probably be a decent show. 

I donít have any opinions on Just Jordan or Unfabulous. Iíve watched both, but neither caused me to notice it. So, thatís probably not a good signÖ

And donít even get me started on the Ugly Brothers BandÖ Ho-ly shitcakes.

Weíre pretty far removed from Nick Jr. these days, so I donít have any real opinions on those programs. The other day Toney said Blueís Clues is like Van Halen, and I said pardon? Then she went on to explain how there are Steve people, and Joe people, just like with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. I donít know nothing about no Joe. Who the fuckís Joe?

When our boys were young there seemed to be a lot of gentle shows on Nick Jr. produced in Canada. These usually featured people-sized rabbits wearing pants and aprons and whatnot, walking through the woods and talking to bugs, etc. They were so quiet and soothing and nice, theyíd make me want to rush out and rent The French Connection, just to get the taste back in my mouth.

But I have no idea what they show nowadays. So Iím not going to be able to add anything to that subject.

Also, our Nickelodeon experience started in 1997 or so. Anything before that is a total mystery to me. I rented The Adventures of Pete & Pete from Netflix, because people I trust suggested it, but Iíd never even heard of the show before that. And for the record, itís freakiní excellentÖ 

So there you go. If you donít have young kids, this update probably wonít mean a damn thing to you. But, as they say, thereís always tomorrow.

And Iíll see ya then.


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