The West Virginia Surf Report!

Toney gave me a Fitbit for Christmas and I’m obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the sleep analysis it provides. Oh sure, I glance at my daily number of steps (shuffles) and heartbeat rate and all that stuff, but the sleep info is what I’m fixated on. It confirms my suspicion that I’m a terrible sleeper. I didn’t used to be, but am now. Oh, in the old days I would mock people who complained about not being able to sleep. I suspected they were narcissistic drama queens, fishing for sympathy and attention. I wanted to shout, “Just get into bed and close your eyes, flutter-sucker!” But now I’m paying for my insensitivity.

I can’t sleep worth a shit. This is a relatively new development, maybe just the past two or three years. I can’t stay asleep and everything wakes me up. I was always the guy who could snooze through all manner of calamity, but not anymore. If somebody so much as scratches their ass in a different room I’m up for the day. I hate it. I’m in a constant state of fatigue, and my brain doesn’t work as well as it once did. And it was never that great to begin with. Ya know? At work I have to check myself or I’ll start building a drool-bridge between my bottom lip and keyboard.

This is my sleep summary from a random day last week. It’s pretty standard, nothing unusual. And look at that crap. I’m awake 17% of the time! I don’t remember being awake, but I reportedly was. And I only got 39 minutes of deep sleep: twice as much awake time than deep sleep time. That’s not good, my friends. My sleep score was 68 out of 100, which would earn me a D in school. In real life it earns me giant sacks under my eyes. And, like I say, this is a normal day for me.

Let’s compare my results with Toney’s. On the same night she slept for almost exactly the same amount of time, but look at her sleep score. I can only dream of reaching such heights. And speaking of dreaming, compare her REM and Deep Sleep percentages with mine. Crazy. This is all relatively new for me. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s ruining my life. I assume it’s due to aging and/or portliness. It’s the worst thing that’s happened since The Great Underwear Crisis of 2018, when I was hurtled into a hellish world of constant adjusting and tweaking and shifting and lifting.

This is all going to lead to me firing up a compressor in the bedroom and putting on a full-face mask before bed, isn’t it? It’s going to be like some kind of Silence of the Lambs bullshit up there. Do you have to pull a ripcord on the apparatus, like when you’re starting a mower? Sheesh. It’s never a dull moment since I turned 55 or so.

The Cannon Counts

My friend Tim, in Dunbar, purchased the Cannon Complete Series box set a while back, and has been compiling some stats as he watches the show. He’s now completed three seasons and here’s his most recent report, received just a few hours ago. You guys are the first to know, when there’s breaking news like this!

I believe some cops go through their entire multi-decade careers without firing their guns in the line of duty. Cannon, on the other hand, has taken 119 shots at people in three years. Shouldn’t there be some kind of investigation?? He, personally, has been shot 12 times during that stretch, as well. Isn’t that a traumatic experience, being struck by a bullet? If it happened one time to me, I’d never stop talking about it. He just bandages up the latest hole, puts on a chef hat, and starts cooking again.

Tim commented, “I’m worried about the number of times he’s been knocked unconscious. He had a case of amnesia in season 3, probably the result of all the head injuries.” Again, it’s gotta be a horrible experience to be knocked completely out. It’s never happened to me, not once. But it happened to Frank Cannon 13 times in three years! And all the fist fights too! Seventy?! What’s with this guy? Who gets into 70 fist fights as a morbidly obese middle aged man?

What are your thoughts on this latest Pulitzer-caliber investigation? Please share them in the comments.

And thanks Tim, for this valuable contribution to the kind of journalism we rarely see anymore!

The February No New Jeffs column

In the February column at Substack I wrote about the various forks in the road we all encounter throughout our lives. I focused on one in particular, but there were others, as well. Check it out, if you’re so inclined. Here’s the link. If you’d like to receive the monthly No New Jeffs column directly to your email inbox, sign up for a subscription. It’s free, and always will be. The sign up form is at the bottom of the page linked above.

The West Virginia Surf Report Podcast

And please don’t forget the podcast! It’s still going strong after more than 300 episodes. At midnight tonight I’ll upload episode 312, which features three new calls that came in to the Surf Report Hotline. Here’s the podcast website. And if you want to call in and possibly (probably) be a part of a future show, give us a ring ’round the clock at 570-290-8151. I’d love to hear from you.

Further Evidence The End Is Near

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile repaired after catalytic converter stolen in Las Vegas

McDonald’s to take down ‘tasteless’ McCrispy ad after it appears opposite crematorium

Disney announces Toy Story 5, Frozen 3, Zootopia 2, and 7,000 layoffs

Customer who bought 2 coffees at Starbucks hit with an erroneous $4K tip, forcing family to postpone trip to Thailand

Wisconsin is the drunkest state in America again

Passing bird shits on bride as couple recites their vows

‘Naked and Afraid’ contestant burns his penis sleeping next to a fire

Prostate cancer gave man ‘uncontrollable’ Irish accent

Hole in one? Golf ball successfully removed from teen’s anus

Woman charged with stealing $1.5M worth of chicken wings from school district

How a vintage Nissan transmission became a sex toy

Thank you guys for being a part of this! I’ll be back soon.

Have yourselves a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can just buy me a beer if you’d like. I’d be much obliged. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Hello, Surf Reporters! It’s been a long time and I apologize for that. I could make excuses, and some of them would even be semi-legitimate, but I’d rather just call it a hiatus and get back to work. What do you say? Can we start over?

Since we last spoke Toney lost her job and started a new one. There was an eight or nine week wait until unemployment benefits kicked in, which I consider to be ludicrous. What if she were a single mother, or something similar? How do they justify such a lengthy processing time? And these bloated members of the bloated bureaucracy want to be in charge of our health care too? I will say this much for them… when she started her new job they were Johnny-on-the-spot with ENDING the benefits. Oh, that was an amazing demonstration of efficiency. But there’s no way of knowing which version I’d get if I came down with front-to-back cancer, or whatever. I’m leaning toward the former, and not so much the latter.

Also, the younger boy completed his bachelor’s degree, which is something I never managed to do. It’s quite an accomplishment and we’re very proud of him. We’ll see what the next chapter brings. He’s a smart and driven young man. And, the older boy is now enrolled in a two-year electrician program. It’s shockingly (get it?) expensive, but if he can make it to the other side (and I think he will), he’ll be in great shape. It feels like things might finally be starting to come together on the youngling front. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing, my friends.

Toney and I are now in the mode of trying to find a place to retire in a few years. We’re definitely planning to leave the Upper Pierogi Belt and move southward. I mean, this isn’t the worst place in the world, but it’s nowhere near the best either. Plus, it’s snowy and icy in the winter and I’ve had quite enough of that shit. In April we’ll be visiting Greenville, SC. On paper it seems perfect; it’s relatively close to Asheville, Charlotte, Atlanta and Myrtle Beach, there’s a decent cost of living, mild weather, and an up-and-coming community. We’ll see what kind of vibes we get off of the place while we’re actually there. If it doesn’t do it for us, like Tampa didn’t, we’ll just move on to the next target. We have a few years.

And speaking of icy, I walked outside earlier in the week to take an over-stuffed sack o’ kitchen trash to the garage, and when I took my first outside breath it felt like my lungs were on fire. I think both my breathing bags flash-froze inside my well-insulated torso. Since we might be close enough to see (or at least sense) the finish line, it makes those kinds of moments even more difficult to handle. It feels like I’m working out the world’s longest two-week notice.

Now for some Random Notes from the Bunker…

Smelling Melville by J. Robert Metten

As many of you are already aware, our old pal Metten has published his first novel, titled Smelling Melville. It’s available in three different formats at Amazon: Kindle, paperback, and hardcover. I’m fairly jealous of the hardcover version; neither of my books ever achieved such a status. In any case, this is something you definitely need to check out. I read it, and it was truly enjoyable.

Here’s the review I posted: If you’re a fan of offbeat, smart and funny this is one for you. The writing is topnotch, the characters come alive, and the situations are delightfully bizarre. It does take a short while to get a grasp on the oddball world Metten has created, but once you lock in it’s a fantastic ride. This novel is genuinely funny, and literary too. I recommend Smelling Melville without reservation; it is a warped work of art.

Do not hesitate to purchase and read. This is Metten, bitches! He also has a cool new website, which you can check out here. Proceed without delay!

The $5 Scratch-Off Project

Thank God it’s over. I’m done. What the hell was I thinking?? For the past two years I’ve purchased scratch-off lottery tickets every Saturday and logged the results on a spreadsheet at the website. It led to nothing but heartache and shame. The first year I purchased one $10 ticket per week, and the results are here. The second year I purchased two $5 tickets per week, and the results are here. Those outcomes are very similar, and it’s why I’m done. They can pack that shit deep and on a slant. I mean, I knew intellectually (I use the term loosely) that it’s a sucker’s bet, the whole business model is built on it. But I figured I’d surely hit a couple of $100 winners, or maybe even a $500 and put me over the top. Sucker! Across the entire two-year exercise I purchased a total of 156 tickets and lost $483. They can take it on a radical slant.

The phony podcast photos

For reasons unknown I paid a gentleman in Sri Lanka to create a bunch of phony baloney signage photos featuring the podcast logo. I posted one on social media, and you can see it here. He did 35 of them, and some are better than others. I’ll probably keep posting ’em, until I’ve exhausted the decent ones. I mean, what else am I going to do with these things? Now that I don’t have the lottery to throw my money away on, I’m being forced to get creative. This is the podcast website, in case you’re interested.

No New Jeffs

For the past year or so I’ve been publishing a monthly “getting old” column at Substack. If you haven’t checked it out, please do. Here’s your link. Some folks charge money for these so-called newsletters, but mine is free and always will be. I’d just like for people to read it. I just turned 60, if you can believe it, and feeling it — emotionally, anyway. Give it a try, if you’re so inclined.

Further Evidence The End Is Near

Woman sues concert venue after getting so drunk she blew up a house and caused $15m in damages

Man gets back at noisy upstairs neighbors with “building shaker” he purchased online

Texas 7-Eleven store blasting opera music to drive away the homeless

Roomba reportedly posts photos online of owners sitting on the toilet

Woman pulled from storm drain for the third time in two years

Fan outrage at romance novelist who faked her death

Woman knits ‘poop blanket’ commemorating all her bowel movements in 2022

Celine Dion fans protest outside Rolling Stone offices following snub from greatest singers list

Police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while on drugs

Thank you guys for reading this! I’ll be back soon, I promise.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

I always joked that my retirement would kick-in the day the paramedics cut the skin-tight security uniform off my C-cups and failed to revive my clogged heart. For some reason I’m always old and wearing a security uniform in these scenarios. But… it appears a proper retirement might actually be possible. I’m skeptical about it, as is my nature, but the numbers seem to indicate it’s an actual possibility. Who could’ve predicted such a thing?

Oh, there are still five or so years to go, and many terrible things could happen between now and then. So, I’m not spiking the ball just yet. But it’s fun to dream and plan. And Toney and I are doing a lot of that now. It’s not the only thing we talk about, but it’s definitely in the rotation. Is it a threshold you’ve already crossed, or is it close enough to be a subject of discussion? I’d like to get some of your thoughts.

Like, where are you gonna live? We’re not planning to stay here, for various reasons. Mainly: snow and ice in the winter. Funk dat. Plus, there’s not a whole lot to do here. It’s not a terrible place, and it’s actually pretty good for raising kids. But we want our final chapter to be somewhere where there’s shit to do. And when I say shit, I mean a beach (maybe) and a vibrant beer and restaurant scene. And plenty of places to walk that are not straight up a steep grade, or down one. Cost of living is also a consideration, of course, and just the general quality of life.

The Myrtle Beach area is high on our list at the moment. Not Myrtle Beach itself, of course. We don’t crave that level of insanity (or crime). But somewhere close enough that we can dip in and out of the craziness. We’ve walked through many model homes around that area, and it’s appealing. But we don’t feel like we’ve even scratched the surface of the tip o’ the iceberg. We’re definitely open to other ideas.

What are your thoughts on a location for retirement? What criteria are you using? What’s important? Do you have any off-the-radar super-secret suggestions for us? Like I say, we’re still in the early stages of the hunt, and welcome all information.

And speaking of “here,” something occurred to me a few days ago that blew my mind a bit. I left West Virginia when I was a couple of months shy of my 23rd birthday. And we’ve lived here since early 2000. So… almost exactly the same amount of time. When I retire — if it happens — this will be the place I’ve lived the longest. Also, I was with Time-Warner for 17 years, and in November I will have been at my current job for 15 years! I’ve NEVER worked in the same building for that long, not even close; the TW run was in three different states. That shit is wild. To me, anyway. This chapter of our lives has clicked along at a terrifying tempo.

If you’ve moved around, like me, what places have you liked and disliked? I loved Atlanta, but that was when I was in my 20s. No way I could deal with that cluster-fuck at my current age. I have romantic feelings about it, but it’s because I was young and swinging for the fences when I lived there. California was not a favorite, and I have no desire to live there again. Too congested and expensive and one-seasony for me, thank you very much. I loved growing up in West Virginia, and will always be fond of it, but I can’t see myself returning permanently. The only place I’ve lived that’s a possibility for retirement is North Carolina. For some reason the Raleigh area is calling me a bit, Toney too. We’ll likely schedule a scouting expedition there, in the not too distant future.

Our previous scouting trip, to Tampa/St. Petersburg, was inconclusive. We weren’t blown away, to tell you the truth. It, like California, seemed ridiculously congested. Every time we had to go to Publix, or whatever, a substantial amount of time was sucked from our day. And it added to my blood pressure/teeth grinding problems. Also, people weren’t super-friendly, which was surprising. The South is generally filled with friendly folks, but I’m not sure Florida is really part of the South. Lotsa transplants, right? The trip didn’t disqualify that area, but it knocked it down the list.

What do you have on the whole general subject of retirement? Please share in the comments if you’re so inclined.

And before I call it a day here, I’ll share a couple of articles that list the “best places” to retire. Some of the selections are ridiculous, in my opinion. Completely ludicrous! Let me know your thoughts. Here’s one, and here’s another. I don’t know much, but could draw a line through many of those places, automatically. Sheesh.

Also, be sure to check out the podcast and the monthly column at Substack.

And I’ll see you guys again soon, very soon.

Have a great day, my friends!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Last Saturday we went to the Paul McCartney concert in Syracuse, and arrived way too early due to paranoia about getting caught-up in a Winston-Salem-style gridlock. Once the gates were finally opened, and we passed through Israeli airport-level security, we made our way to our seats. Ours were on the right side, if you’re facing the stage, pretty far down, near the floor. Great seats! But as we were heading down there, single file on the stairs, I banged my right knee off the back of one of the aluminum bleacher seats. And I don’t want to exaggerate it, but it was PERHAPS the most severe pain I’ve felt in my life. A powerful jolt of electricity rocked my abundant body, and birds and stars were circling my head. There was no quick-fade, either. I’ve stubbed my toes, like everybody else, and that also sucks a big curved one. But it usually fades fairly quickly. This was a sustained hurting.

Yes, I’m lucky to have never fallen off any ladders (mostly because I don’t climb them) or been involved in any serious car crashes or had a heart attack (yet), or anything of the sort. I seriously can’t remember anything hurting so bad as that shit did. I don’t know if it hit in just the right spot, or what. But it was extreme pain that would not leave me alone for the entire run-up to Sir Paul, which was a long, long time. Here’s the setlist, if you’re interested. The show was great fun, the knee crap… not so much. But I’m fine now, thanks for asking.

What’s the most extreme pain you’ve experienced? I know this is probably going to lead to some not-so-funny stories, but we’ll go with it anyway. Do you have anything on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments.

Toney left a little while ago for five days with Nancy in North (or is it South?) Carolina. I felt a little sad when she left. I’ll miss her. And it didn’t help that my Reds managed to blow yet another game today that they had in the palm of their hand, thanks to their “stellar” bullpen. I’m kinda depressed, if you want to know the truth. I also got a haircut a little while ago and it feels like my entire upper body is covered in those little hairlets. I think I’m going to have to take a second shower. I’m writhing in tiny hair agitation. I’m just glad I’m not one of those guys who are covered in pubes from the eyes on down. Can you imagine?

I know this one is brief. Sorry about that. And I realize it’s been way too long. I apologize for that too. But there’s more to read at the No New Jeffs Substack page, if you haven’t already. And there’s the podcast, as well. OK, there’s not much reading with a sound recording, but you know what I mean.

In case you’re wondering, before I call it a day here, the SiriusXM Lithium channel is now playing in the bunker, and I’m enjoying a Pabst tall boy on a beautiful Saturday evening. I’ve paid $13 for one of these babies at rock shows. The one I’m drinking now? About a dollar, give or take.

Have a great day, my friends. I’ll be back faster than last time, I promise.

Let us know about your tales of pain, and I’ll see you again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

As you’re probably aware, I’m a portly gentleman who knows a thing or two about the wonders of fast food. Heck, one of the biggest highlights of our recent Florida vacation was when I had my very first Butterburger at a Culver’s. I mean, the airboat ride through the swamps was fun and so was Spring Break at Clearwater Beach. But, Culver’s! Now, that’s a real adventure.

In any case, my “research” has revealed what I sincerely believe to be the best bang for the buck in all of fast food. Sure, Burger King has a stellar value menu and their food is better than people want to give them credit for. And McDonald’s always has that two McDoubles for three bucks deal going, plus the $1 any-size sodas. Both are good in a pinch. But the best of them all? You ready? It’s the large three-topping pizza at Domino’s, for $7.99.

Yes, there are some hoops you have to jump through, but suck it up Mr. Delicate. All you have to do is order your pie online or through the app, and pick it up. If you agree to those two caveats you get a sizable pizza with your choice of three toppings, for eight dollars. And Domino’s makes good pizza. They didn’t used to, but all that’s changed. Oh, I’m not saying it’s the best pizza in the world. But for national chain fast food-style it’s pretty damn solid. Unlike the bowel movements you’ll be having if you don’t choose your toppings correctly.

So, right there it’s a fantastic deal, right? You can get a large hand-tossed (heh) or a medium pan for that price. Eight dollars! A stupid Big Mac meal costs more than that, and you’re getting an entire pizza that’s shockingly good. It’s enough for two people, at least. But check this out… Now they’re giving you a three dollar “tip” for picking the pizza up instead of having it delivered. It’s good for your next order, if that happens within a week. So, it knocks the already crazy deal down to five dollars. It’s incredible. I’m thinking about buying one today. I have one of those tips burning a hole in the pocket of my fat pants.

Do you know of a better deal? What do you believe is the best fast food bang for the buck? I desperately need to know.

And by the way, I constantly mix up the topping combinations, just to keep it interesting. One of my favorite recent combos was the medium pan with pepperoni, diced tomatoes and shredded Parmesan/Asiago. For some reason there’s magic when those three are combined. But I’ve tried many others, and attempt to not repeat myself. I even considered installing a randomizer on my computer, entering all the topping choices, and letting it choose the combinations for me. There are a few that I don’t like and would never order (hot buffalo sauce, banana peppers, black olives) and a couple that are extremely iffy (Feta, mushrooms). But that would be the fun of the randomizer, right? You win some and you lose some.

For the record, here are the topping choices:

If you were to order a pipin’ hot pie right now, which of the three would you go with? Please share your thoughts in the comments. What would be your topping combination(s), and is there a better deal in the entire fast food world? Also, which toppings would be on your NEVER list. Bring us up to date on these pressing issues.

Ha! This feels like a Domino’s sponsored post, but it’s not. It’s just some guy thinking about lunch and following his passion.

Oh, I almost forgot. The last time I ordered that deal the guy handed my pizza to me in one of those warming bags that delivery drivers use. What the hell, man? They’re taking that “you’re the driver” gimmick a little too far. Check it out. What am I supposed to do with this thing?? It’s substantial, not some cheap piece of crap. They’re doing this with every pizza?! What the hell is going on? Eventually I won’t be able to get the trunk lid down on my car. Also, I think it should be “Take Home” not “Bring Home.” Am I wrong about that?

Before I call it a day here… If you haven’t checked out my latest No New Jeffs column, here it is. I’m pretty happy with it; I hope you guys agree.

I’ll be back soon. Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!