A couple of weekends ago we attended a Catholic Church bazaar, which was a first for me. Toney promised it would be interesting, and she wasn’t half-steppin’. I think the whole town was there, and it was one raucous affair.
I was raised a Baptist, and when it comes to religion, that’s about all I know. And I don’t know much about that… But when I hear of a church-sponsored social event, I always think of people standing around a basement, or a too-hot “multi-purpose room,” wearing JCPenney suits and eating white sheet cake from the Kroger deli.
This so-called bazaar was a whole different breed of cat…
It was held outside of town, in an open field. Before we were even near the location, cops were directing us into another field set aside for parking(!). From there a fleet of full-sized school buses shuttled folks back and forth to the fairgrounds, or whatever it was being called.
And as we were riding there, I realized I probably hadn’t been on an actual school bus since the late 1970s. Probably since I went on my last field trip, to the symphony or something equally dull. Yeah, they look pretty much the same as they always did… Right down to the boogers smeared on the walls.
They dumped us near a boof, where we could buy “food tickets,” and went back to fetch another load of humanity from the parking field.
There were tents and people everywhere. Kids were running all around, and the adults were all jabbering a thousand miles a minute. And the ones who weren’t jabbering, were wedging funnel cake, and/or great hunks of glistening meat into their mouths.
We bought ten dollars worth of tickets, and started walking. The Secrets immediately hooked-up with friends, and disappeared. We didn’t hear from them again, until their money ran out. And so it goes.
We passed carnival games, all manner of food for sale, real homemade ice cream, gambling tents(?!), teenagers flirting with each other, and people acting semi-drunk (even though I never saw anyone actually drinking alcohol).
Down at one end of the field was a stage, where a band of old men was playing some kind of crazy high-energy punk-polka. We stood and watched for a few minutes, and couples were literally dancing in the aisles.
One song, which sounded like the freakin’ Pogues, rocked along, and would abruptly stop. And whenever it went silent, the audience would roar, “Alice? Who the hell is Alice??” Then the music would crank back up, and they’d do it all over again.
Toney and I had kick-ass ice cream sundaes, she talked to half the town, and I stood around watching people being people. It’s the way we roll. The boys eventually returned, all red in the face from running, and soaked from what they described as a water balloon war.
It was one bizarre bazaar. I had no idea. I didn’t realize actual fun would be allowed. It turned out to be a good time, and I’d done my very best to get out of it.
I think my lameness meter needs servicing. That shit had been sending up a piercing tone.
I listen to a lot of old time radio at work. They allow us to use iPods there, and I probably wear mine eight hours per night.
I play music early in the shift, then switch to Phil Hendrie or Jean Shepherd. And lately I’ve also been loading-up episodes of Dragnet, Gunsmoke, Suspense, Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar, and I Was a Communist for the FBI. It’s almost like watching TV, while you work.
Yeah, those great old shows really help pass the time, but sometimes the commercials are even more interesting.
For instance, what was the deal with the Post Office begging, absolutely begging, people to mail their letters early in the day? It seemed like a matter of life and death, and almost treasonous to even consider dropping an envelope into a mailbox past noon. TF?
And, of course, the cigarette ads usually cited some study, done by “a reputable firm,” that proves smoking is not harmful in the least. Great news! I think I’ll start sucking ’em down through my neck hole.
But I heard one a few nights ago that really got me to thinking… It was for some kind of cereal that supposedly promotes “youthful regularity.”
Youthful? Are youngsters better at pooping than adults? Are they more accomplished at it? It never really occurred to me. But, of course, that hasn’t been an issue for me… what with all the coffee and beer.
Indeed, the only time I experienced even the tiniest hint of irregularity, was when I was a kid. I was probably eleven or twelve, and started suffering severe stomach cramps for no apparent reason. It hurt like hell, as if someone was repeatedly running a sword through my gut.
Concerned, I walked across the street and told my grandmother about it. She asked me a few questions, left the room for a couple of minutes, and returned with a box that looked like something off The Waltons. It was some kind of medicine called Black Draught(!!), apparently a laxative.
No way, I said, no freakin’ way. I ain’t taking some creepy old World War I turd-buster; you can just count me out!
But she got my mother on the phone, and they conspired against me. I was forced to swallow one of those pills, and quickly fell asleep on the couch. And what’s that about? Do laxatives make you drowsy? I have no idea.
I slept for a while, and woke with a powerful urgency. I did the stiff-leg walk down the hall, entered the small room, and drove to the poop-hoop. And you know when you’re moving or whatever, carrying an old box full of stuff, and the bottom suddenly falls out? It was something along those lines.
But, I have to admit, the Tate/Labianca stomach pains disappeared, and never returned.
That’s my full experience with laxatives, and dangerous brickhouse constipation. Do you have any stories to tell on the subject? I need more information, because I’m woefully uninformed.
And how did we go from Johnny Dollar to this? Strange.
Have any of you ever used the GPS capabilities of a standard cell phone? My new one, the LG enV, keeps trying to sell me something called VZ Navigator, and I think I’m going to give it a try tomorrow. It costs $9.99 per month, or $2.99 for 24 hours. I’m going with the latter option, just to play around with it. Is it any good? Does it work?
I think Toney and the Secrets are going to Canada on Monday, to visit Nancy for a few days. Why? I don’t really know. I think Nancy just wore Toney down, and she finally said, “OK OK, for the love of God, OK!!” So, it’ll just be me and Andy for a few days, sitting around on couches and crying softly into throw pillows.
I see Hawaii Five-O might be returning to TV, in an “updated” version. Big deal. But since they film LOST in Hawaii as well, maybe the two shows can get together and share resources? Perhaps all the actors who’ve seen their characters killed-off on LOST, can just move over to the new Hawaii Five-O? Hell, there are enough already to staff a full-blown rehash crime drama.
And since nobody asked, or probably cares, here’s the ranking of my three favorite LOST characters:
How would you rank ’em? I know a lot of people hate Locke, but I don’t share that opinion. Locke, you see, is the key. Get it?
I’ve been subscribed to yourmusic dotcom for a couple of years now, and have been very happy with it. But suddenly they’re no longer carrying (NERD ALERT!) the Warner Music Group catalog. Yes, I know the labels, and everything. What of it?
But included in the Warner stuff was Rhino, which is a continous goldmine of greatness. Now I’m going to be forced to pay full retail for it?? Man, that’s almost a crime against nature.
At this point I’m just using yourmusic to fill-in holes in my library, mostly greatest hits collections from artists who only merit a one-disc representation. Like Thomas Dolby, for instance, or Billy Squier.
But I sure do miss my mainline to Rhino… Is it too early to start sobbing into those couch cushions?
We booked our London trip last August, when I was still unemployed and nervously watching my severance dwindle away. It seemed like a crazy thing to do (ya think?!), but turned out to be the trip of a lifetime; it was as close to perfect as those kinds of things ever get.
So, just for fun, Toney went online and re-booked the exact same trip, one year later. She used the same hotel, the same dates, the same airline: everything. Of course, she backed out of it when it got to the end, where you have to pay for it all…
She just wanted to compare prices, 2008 against 2007.
And it would cost us over $2000 more this year, than last. Two thousand dollars! That’s quite a difference, and makes the whole thing even better.
And, except for a few baffling entries (like “farting in JCP”), that pretty much zeroes-out the Big Notebook of Fun.
I hope you guys have yourselves a fantastic weekend, and I’ll see ya on Monday. If not sooner…
This is Jeff Kay reporting.