The West Virginia Surf Report!

Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 49

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Cross my fingers, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.  That’s one hell of a guarantee, when you stop to think about it.  If you’re not satisfied, I pledge to pierce one of my eyeballs with a slender rod of steel.  Not even L.L. Bean can match that shit.  Ya know?

Kids don’t get a lot of respect, but that’s impressive.

Our oldest boy has been in Maine all week, with a friend’s family.  They go on vacation there every year, and rent the same beach house.  And this year they allowed their kids to bring one friend each.

Our son generates an amazing amount of noise, and communicates in a teenage boy kind of way (mostly a series of uninterested grunts), but man… I miss him.  He’s been gone since Saturday, and the house feels incredibly empty.  Whenever my phone rings, and it displays his name, I get happy.

I want him home again, mumbling and manufacturing great noise and chaos.  I find myself missing the very things I sometimes grumble about.  Go figure.

At work there’s a highly questionable box of crackers called — get this — Butter Cheese.  Appetizing, huh?  I think it must have come from Big Lots, or maybe Aldi, because the manufacturer is unrecognizable.  The logo features one of those old-fashioned bicycles with a giant wheel on the front.  Yeah, I have no idea…

Nobody knows where these things came from, and they keep getting handed off and passed around, like blame.  For a couple of days they were on top of a filing cabinet outside my cubicle, but last night I saw them way down the hall, on another cabinet.  By the time I return on Sunday, I have no doubt they will have been offloaded to someone else.

A few of us have gotten curious and tested the crackers themselves, and they’re gaggy.  I ate half of one, and couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for an hour.  I finally had to go to the vending machine and buy some Life Savers knockoffs, to beat the Butter Cheese residue into submission.

How did that crap end up in our office, anyway?  Who would purchase an off-brand box of horrible crackers with an old bicycle in the corner, sneak it into work, then pretend none of it ever happened?  I find this to be curious behavior.

I was listening to George Noory a few days ago, while driving home from work, and a caller blew my mind a little.

He has a theory, you see, as so many of the callers do.  I think a lot of them are shut-ins and mental patients who sit around thinking up various crackpot scenarios.  In any case, this guy believes UFOs, flying saucers, etc. aren’t extraterrestrials at all.  No, he thinks it’s us — humans from earth — time traveling from the future, and observing ancient civilization.  Or as we know it, current times.

Is that cool, or what?  I like that very much, and it had never occurred to me.  I think I’ll adopt his theory, as well.  And I wouldn’t mind shaking the man’s hand, once his shock treatment regimen has been completed.

Have you ever seen a UFO, or anything like that?  I haven’t.  I guess I’m just not good probing material… which is both flattering and unflattering, if you know what I mean.

Do you have any experience with unexplainable things in the sky?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

And are you familiar with a  show called Tosh.0?  My kids are always talking about it, and I caught half an episode with them recently, and it was  friggin’ hilarious.  Now I record it every week, and it’s become one of my favorite programs.

Have you seen it?  I’m right, aren’t I?  Funny, funny stuff.

Everybody’s talking about the JetBlue flight attendant who flipped his lid on a recent flight, told everyone to ram it deep and on a slant, grabbed two beers, and escaped down an inflatable emergency slide.

He’s a hero to us all!  And I was wondering… do you have any stories to tell about people quitting their jobs in a dramatic fashion?  I wrote about Brogan a few days ago, but he didn’t really quit, he got fired.  One guy, at the same store, shoved over a rotating cigarette “tree” on his way out the door.

But that’s all I’ve got.  Do you have anything to contribute on this subject?

And finally (I haven’t really zeroed out the notebook, but I’m tired), I’d like to know what celebrity, or otherwise, you’d like to have do the talking on your GPS.  How about Gilbert Gottfried?  No, that might cause people to drive off cliffs, and straight into brick walls, etc.  Do you have any thoughts on this one?

Please don’t feel compelled to answer all the questions I asked today, just pick and choose as you see fit.  Or answer them all.  Whatever’s cool with me.

And I’ll see you guys next time, probably Sunday.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. T Farty – What do you think? Two Jack Russsel Terriers? Or cats?

    Niel – That’s why the only people that the aliens show up to are dipshits. Those are the ancestors of some dip shit who ran his mouth in the future about the past so they come back a prope that fuckers great great great great grandpa and make sure that they are never taken seriously and therefore their family doesn’t get onto the Ark in 2313 when we have to leave the planet for 13 years due to underpopulation.

  2. Oh and Tosh.0 is awesome. A few weeks ago Brittney commented on something from the show.

    I’ve liked Daniel Tosh for a while and his show is so easy it’s genius. Apparently he had a very small part in the love guru.

    Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on TV, though.

  5. Tosh.0 is one of my favorites…did anyone see last nights episode? Something about Daniel Tosh rubbing Carrot Top down with lotion was really disturbing to me. It was like one of those situations when you don’t want to look but can’t look away.

    Good GPS voices: Arnold Swarzzeneggar, Pee-Wee, Cartman, Joe Pesci, Casey Kasem, Adam West.

    Bad GPS voices: John Madden, Marge Simpson, Batman (Christian Bale), Keanu Reeves.

  6. I think Scott Thompson should play him in the movie, but instead of two beers I picture him lighting up two sparklers for the slide down from the airplane and then sashay his way off the runway (The tower? Rapunzel!).

    Or he gets away from the airplane, turns around and moons the plane while yelling kiss my ass and then gets sucked through the engine of a 777.

  7. t-storm, I’m not in the aviation business but I’ve flown enough to wonder, A) what does an emergency ramp cost and B) how long did the poor fuckers left on the plane have to wait for the mechanics to fix it. It’s bad enough when some fuckface first time flier deplanes in Santa Barbara and exits the secured area and costs you a two hour delay but an employee of the airline? Fuck him! I’d have followed that Pansy (caps courtesy of Droid) down the fucking slide and crushed his skull with those Miller lites he stole. Pass the beer nuts. Oh wait, they’re right in front of me

  8. I agree that customers can be jerks, but this guy is supposed to be a professional.

    I’ve seen numbers from 20K to 310K.
    I just talked to a lead mechanic he said they’ll send the slide back to the manufacturer for repacking and certifying which is around 30K to 40K and to reinstall is about 2 hours worth of 2 mechanics time.
    So we’ll say 40K.

    Plus he’ll probably have massive civil penalties.

  9. Tstorm, Sunny in Philly is addicting. Danny Devito was a perfect person to complete that cast. I’d have to say one of my favorites is when he is tripping and trapped in a bathroom the whole episode, only to find out at the end he’s been standing in a garbage can the whole episode in the middle of a fair.

  11. I think my favorite is:

    Frank: “Where’d the baby come from?”
    Dee: “I found it in the garbage.”
    Frank: (angrily) “Well put it back, it doesn’t belong to you!’

  12. Liam McPoyle to Sweet Dee
    You want to be a McPoyle, Trashbag? You gotta earn it

    And this one reallllly hits home:

    Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?

    Dee Reynolds: It’s like that friends forum.

    Dennis Reynolds: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.

    Mac: Wow, so that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. You guys are losers.

    Dennis Reynolds: How are we losers, dude?

    Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.

    Dennis Reynolds: And you’re drinking a beer at 8 o’clock in the morning.

    Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

  15. GPS voices
    Three Stooges
    James Shatner (natch)
    The Hillbilly Robot
    Marvin the Martian (if the airbag doesn’t deploy in an accident it says “where’s the kaboom?”)
    Jessie the Body Ventura (ain’t got no time to bleed so turn right)
    Billy Mays
    Bobcat Goldthwait – (or Sam Kinneson)
    Sanda Bullock in character from The Blindside just to calm me down on a stressful drive. I think I might love her.
    Robot from Lost in Space (Left Will Robinson, Left Will Robinson)
    Michael Caine

    From what I heard on the news, according to a witness on the flight, Jet Blue guy (or is it Jet Blew a guy…whatever) apparently was a prick to a 20 something lady ASKING if she could get her bag down and the overhead compartment hit him in the head but nothing to do with her, ie. not her bag. Or whatever. Who cares. Regardless, the guy isn’t a hero in my books. I’m with Stormy on this one. Just think, you fly with him and your life is in his hands in an emergency evac. wow. really. wow.

    Leaving jobs in style? I left a top 10 list of why I had to move on from a job – some of it’s inside jokes but at least I had some people laughing on the last day to remember me by…
    – (a director) was having his first born. The prophesies spoke of such a sign….the end is near.
    – I reached the mandatory retirement age for IT staff (I was 30…high turnover).
    – (the ceo’s) hugs were starting to creep me out
    – all expense paid business trips to Monroe, Michigan lost their appeal
    – company cars were less durable than I was led to believe (I had an accident in one ….on said trip to Monroe to the GM plant….)
    maybe not funny out of context but it left a good taste in people’s mouths (insert dirty comment here)

    Further Evidence – Silence of the Lambs freaky…. but hang in there until the chorus. Who thinks up this stuff? I want to hear about that guy’s childhood.

    Carla – I enjoyed it when I saw it the first time from your link and still enjoyed it when it was revealed. I love her acting abilities. I’ll forever remember the “I’m looking at you…” face. So cute. I love pretty women with a sense of humor and a range of emotions. Maybe I could get a gps that instead of talking to me, would have her hold up little white boards on a little screen and make faces at me.

  16. Definitely gotta have Wiliam Shatner on the GPS, doing his Captain Kirk. Or TJ Hooker, they’re both the same. Also I like Gwen Stefani a lot, so her voice would be cool. But not Jenna Jameson, I would get too distracted and crash the car.

  17. Nice idea on the UFOs/time travelers, but I don’t buy it. If YOU, today, had a time machine and could visit Roman times would go to the Colosseum or Luigi’s olive farm? So why time travelers last Wednesday over a corn field in Bumfuck, IA as opposed to some time/place of importance?

    Hey, maybe the Star of Bethlehem was a big ol’ clump of rubbernecking tourists?

  18. I LOVE Tosh.O too damned funny!!!

    When I worked at the Olive garden one of our waitresses quit and told our manager his baby was ugly. that was untrue but it was a bold way to quit your job. Crazy!!

  19. Limey: my point exactly.

    The Shat might be funny on a GPS, but by the time he gets done with all his pregnant pauses and general emoting you’d be well past the street you needed to turn down. No no, give me Samuel L. Jackson, succinct and to the point:

    “TURN LEFT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

  21. The further evidence thing doesn’t creep me out. i think it’s kind of stupid, but not creepy.

    This still gets my vote for the strangest video ever:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coxLRv1qJL8

    Gotta put the NSF warning out for this.

    This goes beyond not understanding another culture. WTF??

  22. GPS voices: Harry Kalas, Sean Connery,

    Chill, I love the Majel Barrett suggestion.

    How about the voice from Hal in 2001 A Space Odyssey? “I’m sorry Dave, you can’t turn there”

    Any sexy woman’s voice!

  23. biker chick – Stewie, funny…the whole cast of characters would be funny actually…”turn left, giggedy giggedy”

    Spong – HAL – cool choice. I saw the actor who played HAL (Douglas Rain) in a play called “The dining room”. He’s got some acting chops as the cast of 4 alternate roles in each act so he went from being the wise old patriarch to a toddler to a father desperate for some meaning in his relationships. But he’s probably dead now. oh well. (insensitive, you betcha). In the French version of 2001 he’s called CARL. 🙂

  26. I know I’m a few days late, but I just got the funniest IM from a female co-worker. It simply said,
    “Lunch 3 way?”

    Now I know she didn’t mean it that way, but of course I had to reply, “Your cube or mine?”

    Really brightened my day!!

  28. OMG, today’s further evidence link is just as bad…what’s up with the creepy dog people?!!?! Man. I feel like I need a shower now to shower the weird off…ugh.

  29. I’m going to have to agree with Gretchen on the GPS voice. Since I don’t have children I think Samuel L. Jackson would be awesome.

    Back in the olden days there was a theater in Dayton, OH called Todd’s Burlesque. Once my friends and I all turned 18 our curiousity got the best of us and down to Dayton we went. We walk into this ancient theater that has all of about 12 dudes in trench coats. After we catch the first “performance” we start to hear an argument breakout backstage. All of a sudden a topless “performer” comes down the steps of the stage, clutching her coat yelling “fuck you Jimmy I’m through”. Turns out she was the only one working cause Jimmy sticks his head out behind the curtain and tells us the shows over. It was a short night in the big city.

  30. I am proud to say that “Boomer the Dog” lives right here in the ‘Burg! Yes… we have ’em all here. This freak show has been all over the news all week. The news reporters could barely contain their laughter. Check out the link hot fuzz posted. You wanna talk about creepy? Sideshow Bob can’t put a patch on this idiot’s ass.

  31. bikerchick: Yeah, I’ve been watching his antics on WPXI all week. I love how his costume is shredded paper. I was on the floor when they were interviewing him with his costume on and then when he was jauntily walking down the street in all his ridiculousness. This is the fault of the Furries conventions we have here, methinks.

  34. I think I’d like to alternate between Jane Leeves and David Hyde Pierce on my GPS.

  37. I want the Dos Equis guy doing my GPS voice, at least I’ll always be going somewhere interesting, I’ll be the life of the parties I’vbe never been too and if the GPS hits me, I will have to fight off the strong urge to thank it.

    Good luck and stay thirsty my friends!

    ulan esseog lu essek!

  39. Nope. The moleskin vols are random as fuck. That’s what I love about them.

    This ends this public service announcement! Don’t call. Don’t file any complaints.

    Moleskine – isn’t that a type of ineffective rubber? Or is it cowtits? Who knows? I don’t care. I put sheep guts over my rod and claim safety. Every time. That might be why I have 3 kids.

  40. I’ve seen a few UFO’s. Don’t know if they were from the future or not. I do live about 40 minutes from Bonnybridge, so I suppose its only natural….

    I was pleasantly surprised to see that you guys have Aldi’s there. Do you have Lidl as well? They also have weird stuff on the shelves.

    I’d like HAL’s voice fromm 2001 on a GPS.
    It would have to call me ‘Dave’ though.

  43. Wanda from Fairly Odd Parents would also cause me to drive my car straight into a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

  44. I probibly would pick Stewie but Rosie Perez would be interesting-anoying and Andrew Dice clay would be funny (turn left just past the fat chick, ooooooooooo).

    Not being HOMO but Mathew Maconnahey (I can’t spell, so what smart ass) or Tom Sellick (If they want me to spell it right, the’ll change the spelling to something easier). Both have a reasuring tone that will provide you with the confidence you need to follow the directions to continue down that pier for 5.1 miles, your destination will be on the left.

  46. GPS Voice: Tony Todd. He played Worf’s brother, Kurn, in the Star Trek series. “Prepare to turn left after 300 yards… execute!” yikes

  47. I’m in Wisconsin at the moment for a Phish concert…definitely took some smokin’ fish pictures that I will be sending Jeff on Monday hopefully.

    There’s nothin better than wakin up and eating garlic cheese for breakfast…thank u Wisconsin.

    I’m also doing this on the bf’s Droid…I hate it. It took me 15 minutes to type this message cos I kept having to go back and fix the words it wanted to change into something else…I hate this phone.

  48. Forgot to say that the guy who had a ‘hissy fit’ on the airplane looks, and sounds like a real tosser!
    (I’d be interested to find out if he went ‘Wheeee!’ while sliding down that chute!)

  50. I also forgot to say that I’m currently ‘serving’ my penultimate nightshift ever. I work for the Scottish Environment Protection Agency and one of my many dull jobs is to look after the Bathing Water signs we have dotted along our coastline telling people about the water quality … a complete waste of time and money, since if you’ve ever felt the ball shrinking coldness of the waters around Scotland its a safe bet that you won’t be going back in! Tomorrow night I plan to change the LED sign for Aberdeen which usually reads ‘The water quality is EXCELLENT’ to ‘ IF YOU SEE A BROWN FISH DON’T TOUCH IT!’
    Fuck ’em!

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