Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 41
OK, enough of the whiny shit, let’s get busy zeroing out this here Moleskine…
And just to be clear, and in the interest of full disclosure, I don’t really use a Moleskine. I tried to get into the habit of carrying one around, because they’re pretty cool little notebooks, but it didn’t take. It made me feel kind of pretentious and tool-like. Ya know?
The only time I used one consistently, was during our trip to London. I stuck it in my jacket pocket every morning, and jotted notes in it during our adventures. Then, every evening I’d go to the bar in our hotel, drink Boddingtons, and summarize the day’s events.
It was perfect for traveling. But not the real world, for some reason. So, when I say “Moleskine,” what I really mean is “cheap-ass spiral notebook from Target.”
I’m never far from one of those. I don’t literally carry one around, but usually have one in my car, and take one to work every night. ‘Cause, if I don’t write down an idea soon after it appears, it’ll be lost forever. I’ve got a black belt in forgetting “genius” ideas, fifteen minutes after they’re born.
And so it goes.
A few days ago I overheard a woman describing a man to someone. And she said, “He kind of looks like a surgeon.”
Any idea what that means? Do surgeons have a certain look? As far as I know, they don’t. I’m fairly certain they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. So, WTF? What a bizarre statement…
Perhaps she was talking about TV surgeons? But I don’t think even that holds up. I’ve heard people say, “He looks like a mechanic.” And that’s semi-valid. But a surgeon?
What professions can you say “He/She looks like a ___” about? And what do you think that loony chick was talking about, when she was talking about surgeons?
Crazy, man.
I also noticed a woman in a grocery store a few days ago, who just continuously and rapidly changed her expressions. I think it was some kind of tic, but I’m not sure. Her face muscles were in constant motion. She’d be frowning, then smiling, then worried, then sad… REAL FAST.
Perhaps she’s suffering from Restless Face Syndrome, I don’t know. But what are the most memorable nervous tics you’ve encountered in your life?
I’m not sure if this technically qualifies, but Mumbles always goes, “Mmmm…” whenever he’s finished talking. He’ll say, “Can you pass me the salt? Mmmm…” and “Would you mind moving your car? Mmmm…”
What do you have on this one? Anything?
And speaking of grocery stores, I stopped in one today, after picking up the younger Secret from his golf camp. We were planning to have hot dogs on the grill for lunch, and I wanted a bag o’ chips to go with them.
So, I went inside the store, made my selection, and headed toward the self-checkouts. I don’t like the ones with real people, because… well, you know, they often feature people, and all that nonsense.
At this place they have three self-checkouts, and one was out of order. So, I walked over to another. A rotund women with an ass the size of Illinois was leisurely ringing up a heaping cart of food. Grrr…
I went to the other, and there was an old man there, with only one item. Not too bad, I decided. But he was trying to use four or five coupons — on one thing. It was a bottle of ketchup, and he was trying to use a whole stack of coupons against it.
Needless to say, the machine was having none of that, and the light above the register started flashing.
Some zitster shuffled over, and the old guy started getting all argumentative with him. He wanted to use all his coupons, in conjunction with each other. Zitty, all flustered ‘n’ shit, said he’d have to call the manager, etc.
And at that point I lost it, hollered, “Jesus!” and turned and stuffed the bag of chips deep inside a fixture. The thing made a loud crushing sound, followed by a hollow POP! And I left, shaking my head with righteous indignation.
I have no doubt those Lay’s are nothing but a big sack of chip dust at this point. But I don’t care. My ridiculous boolshit sensor was triggered.
I need to take it down a few notches, don’t I?
And finally (this doesn’t really come close to zeroing anything out, but I’m tired), I’d like to know if you’ve ever caught your hair on fire. I have. And I took an informal poll at work, and it appears I might not be in the minority.
When I was in high school, or shortly thereafter, I was drinking beer and smoking cigars at a friend’s house. I bent over a gas stove to light my stogie, and when I turned — a puffin’ away — everyone started laughing.
I smelled something weird, and someone yelled, “Your hair’s on fire!” Shit! I smacked out the flames, and when I looked in the mirror I saw a big gray spot on the front of my Gabe Kaplan ‘fro. My friends, of course, were buckled over and nearly crapping themselves with laughter. But it freaked me out a little.
I brushed at the big gray spot, and the burnt hair just fell to the floor. It was no longer attached to anything. Freaky.
Have you ever caught your hair on fire? Or have you seen it happen to someone else? If so, tell us about it in the comments.
And please don’t feel obligated to answer all these questions, I’m just plowing through the stuff I have scribbled in my Target notebook.
I’ll see you guys next time, whenever that happens to be.
Thanks for reading! I sincerely appreciate it.
Now playing in the bunker
Visit the Surf Report Souvenir Shop!
Filed under: Daily
First! How about that?
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Yeah, dude. You might need to go get a message or jacuzzi or a tranquilizer or something. I think you cross a certain line when you start beating the shit out of manufactured potatoes.
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Turd! And I even read the whole thing!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
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On to surgeons, now that my place is secured.
I work with them every day. The only thing I can find that they have in common (to a greater or lesser degree) is a streak of sadism.
Yes, they’re doctors and all, but when you think about it, they are legally allowed to stab people. The thing that gets me is how often they refuse to (in my opinion) adequately control pain, or allow other comfort measures. Very often I find myself getting pretty pissed at them.
But you are correct, they come in all shapes and sizes.
Anyway, on to hair fires.
I have never been singed.
My brother, however, lit himself up good last year ina flash fire from a smoker he was starting. Got his eyebrows, lashes and hairline pretty good.
My Dad (a mechanic who in the 60′s was on a reace team at one of the big 3, and tested engines for the likes of Richard Petty) once set himself on fire while I stood by because he thought cutting a fuel line with an electric saw sounded linke a good idea. He got burnt, but recovered fully without any permanent injury.
He also had an accident with some flamming cheese in the back yeard, but was merely singed that time.
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flaming cheese!
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Surgeons are easy to spot: they’re the ones with dried blood all over the front of their clothes, and a sugical mask arond their neck.
Y’know, like on M*A*S*H
I have never had my body hair seriously engaged in flames. Perhaps my life is incomplete up to this point.
Any way you can get a script for valium while you take a month off from drinking beer? I’m afraid your violence towards potato chips might be a warning sign. At this time. Mmmmm…
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Yes, I’ve caught my hair on fire a few times, always from lighting a cigarette off the stove. Usually drunk when it happens.
..and JK struck a nerve with me on speech patterns and habits. I’ve mentioned her before, but my nighttime receptionist is grossly annoying in many ways, put in particular, when she’s telling one of her monotonous stories with dialogue between characters, she starts every sentence with “So, he said..” “So then I said….” “So then he says” ” So I say”, and on and on and on.
Drives me fucking batshit crazy.
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“She loks like a whore”…
Caught my hair (just the front of it) years ago. Some asshole brought a bone carved three inch pipe to a bong party. Fucker.
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Every spring, shortly after the first re-lighting of the grill comes the inevitable singed-to-the skin forearm hairs.
Sadly, as I get older, they are joined by the back of the hand hairs and even some between the knuckles finger hair…
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11th?!?!?!?
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I swear I think we were separated a birth. I love the ones that pull a full cart up to the self check out and have not idea how to use it. Every two seconds they are calling the attendant – and God help them if they bought donuts or fruit (full brain melt down). My daughter will no longer go to the grocery store with me because I very loudly said “God bless America” and threw my items on the gum rack. Now every time I am annoyed by idiots she yells “Well God bless America”!
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The Dark Force in the Universe Known as My Mother does that “Mmmmm” thing all the time. It’s like having Marge Simpson around. Many people have been known to imitate it (behind her back, of course). It adjusts in tone and timbre according to how she’s feeling about you at that moment. With me it usually ranges from a monotone “I’m perpetually disappointed in you.” to a gutteral “If only abortion had been legal!” sort of growl. I’m simply queasy to know someone else shares this verbal tic.
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“She looks like a stripper / porn star”. Usually because the girl has fake boobs and lots of make-up and is dressed like a slut. Aside from that, all other females fit into some sort of generic “normal occupation” look.
“He looks like a football player / basketball player”… because the guy is either 300 lbs or is 7 feet tall.
“He looks like a computer programmer.” You know, because we have a specific look. And smell.
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The haircuts they get make army grunts easy to spot.
If someone reverse parks into a regular spot it’s a good bet they’re either in the police or a twat (frequently both).
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Also, never burned off the hair on my head. But as noted by cashoe, I’ve lost forearm hair a few times… a worthy sacrifice to the gods of grilling.
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I think you misheard… she probably said he looks like a STURGEON. That’s much easier to visualize!
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I used to work at Menards and the old people were notorious for holding up lines, demanding shit, insulting staff, whatever and whenever they felt like.
An old couple one day come in for batteries…jsut a 4 pack of double A’s. That’s it, just one pack. They had a coupon for $.50 off. After the cashier was done ringing up the batteries, the old woman suddenly remembered the coupon. They had 3 people behind them, and the cashier had to call a manager to give them a refund and re-ring the batteries with the coupon. Another day, I was out in the garden center, and an old man started yelling to me from a few aisles away to help him load a pile of paver blocks into his car…Not only was I not allowed to leave the register, but why the hell would you ask a girl to do it when there are 7 or 8 guys wandering around? In fact, a few of them I could see from where I was standing. I yelled back, “I sorry, I can’t leave the register!” and he got all pissed and started yelling back at me, “What kinda service is this?! I can’t believe this!!!” Then his wife came around the corner and glared at me with her orange painted on eyebrows. Seriously though, the worst were the rebates and coupons…I also had an old woman pay me with a sock full of pennies for a 6 dollar gardening tool or something…
There’s also a Dollar General in town where I feel like crushing bags of chips into the gum racks all the time. I swear all the workers there are slow and it never fails, everytime I’m in there, they ring up 2 of something, the register stops working, the price is wrong, someone has coupons, all of which require a manager to stick a key in and push a few buttons. The manager is never around, she’s usually out having a smoke or in the back stocking something, so she walks up there as slow as possible to do it. It’s so maddening. I am a sucker for DG, but the check out process is ALWAYS a task.
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Occupations with a “look”
Men: Airline pilot, Accountant
Women: Stewardess, Cocktail Waitress, Kindergarten teacher
Unisex: Record Store Clerk ( for some reason this seems like it would be a compliment for women, not necessarily for men )
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i know what you mean about checkout counters. i always self check when available ever since the time i picked up a new york times sunday paper and was told by the clerk, “those are only for doctors.” WTF–i don’t look like a doctor?
also, on another note, i set myself on fire in one of my chemistry labs and in the same lab, poured nitric acid all over my left arm a few months later. oh i’m a barrel of laughs when i get started.
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I have shouted “Jesus!” and put my stuff on a miscellaneous shelf and stormed out at least 300 times because of “checkout asshattery.”
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The only time I was successful at moles skin was a vacation drive from Mexico to Canada. They truly are only useful during travel.
Surgeons and muggers look exactly the same. Wearing a mask and covered in someone else’s blood. I guess you could probably identify a bearded lady by profession. Also, Mormons, you can say someone looks Mormon.
As far as the checkout line, again, I say there should be a “Hurry the hell up and get the hell out” line.
I have never set my own hair on fire. I did burn off all of a friends arm hair, on both arms, when I set his moms couch on fire.
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I once even stuffed a freshly wrapped hunk of salmon behind some boxes just to add someone else’s misery to mine. Poor stockboy had to pay for some other customer’s slowness and/or just plain ugliness.
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there’s 45 grocery stores/ pharmacys/ delis that’ve given me a permanant ban because of my dropkicking a can of soup across the store or launching a pack of sausages at the manager’s mirrored glass window…
seriously.. why is that a mirrored glass thing? WE FUCKING KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE DUMBASSS!!!!
i have absolutly no patience for anyone being a dumbass in a checkout line. and old people… the time it takes to ring up that 50c coupon is NOT WORTH THE FUCKING FIFTY CENTS!!! your time is running short and you will be dead soon! you should be drinking bourbon and playing the slots rather than wasting your time in a checkout line or paying with pennies!
once i went to the bank to cash in my penny jar. there’s a machine that you just dump everything into and it gives you a recipt. there was an old lady who was doing the peepee dance because i was taking 3 whole minutes to dump a fucking gallon paint can full of coins in there. she grabbed me and told me to hurry up. *SHE* knew her death was close at hand and that waiting in line after me was bullshit!!!!
and no… i didn’t let her go. i made her wait. because really…
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oh… also? i live in a poor ghetto neighborhood. i’ve been told by the local… “characters” that i look like a cop.
and yeah… i’ve also set my hair on fire. i was stripping years of chipped paint that people had painted over off of the woodwork in an old victorian house…. really… people PAINTED over the woodwork so much that the detailing was LOST.
the tool of choice… Heat gun. …. a huge chunk of hair lit up and that was the end of my mohawk.
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A life has passed on
My hands are older today
He takes his wisdom
…see ya Dad.
(no downer intended here. not meant that way at all)
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They keep those 3 packs of disposable lighters by the checkouts for a reason. Next time one of those obese “disabled” people in the store’s mobility/can’t-be-arsed-to-walk cart digs out their checkbook and quill, to pay for their 5 gallon tub of florescent nacho cheese, set their hair on fire. That is what the lighters are for. Use it or lose it, people! Don’t let the lighters go the way of the cattle prods.
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A girl who sat in front of me in a 9th grade class at Lincoln caught her hair on fire. I’m not sure how it happened, ’cause I was striking matches at least 8″ away from her head. Not my fault her hair was so greasy the flames leaped at her head.
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Oh, and I’m thinking that if you got that upset at a checkout trying to buy chips, you better break down and have a beer or two.
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Heh, I’ve seen some great nervous ticks in my life. When I was really young I had this impossibly old WWI vet uncle. He’d had some kind of really messy stroke from years past. For some reason eating set off “episodes” for this guy. It would start with him chattering his teeth and ratcheting his head to one side. When It stopped, he’d jerk his head back forward while sucking in the drool on the side of his mouth. So a typical dinner conversation would go like this; “So I was thinking next week TICK TICK TICK TICK, SLUUURP! we’d all go see a movie or TICK TICK TICK, SLUUURP!” It pissed off my grandfather and he’d call him “Edward sprinkler head”. The first time I saw an automatic lawn sprinkler I nearly shit a cinder block. My sister also had these contacts that used to slip down. Even now she’ll snap her head forward at lightning speed like she’s being shot. She doesn’t even notice it anymore.
I try to avoid the auto checkout because I think it steals jobs. The only thing worse than an underpaid zitster, is an unemployed zitster is his ’92 civic sitting outside the wendy’s all night long flashing wanabee gang signs. That, and I think they were designed by a bunch of out-of-work Florida carnies.
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I need to take it down a few notches, don’t I?
Have a beer our five.
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Yeah Limey…I hear red hair burns faster than all the rest. Even blonde. I’d be careful if I were you.
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Red hair is indeed the fastest burner (evolution at work right there) and is how we keep all the Scotch people in line. Stand on the wall and flick a match at the fuckers as they stagger past…
(hi Ian)
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“He looks like a cop.”
Isn’t it amazing that we take self-checkouts for granted these days? When I first read about the concept, maybe five years ago or whenever, I was astounded. “You mean, stores will actually trust people to scan in their own purchases, without trying to slip a couple of ten-dollar packets of razor blades into their bag?” It seemed incredible. Now, though, just about every grocery store has self-checkout lanes; as does Home Depot, a store that not only has ten-dollar items, but has hundreds-of-dollars items that someone could try to slip into their bag without scanning. I guess people are more honest than some people give us credit for.
I have never caught my hair on fire. I was with my next-door neighbor, though, in about 1974, when he severely singed his eyelashes, eyebrows, and Brady Bunch bangs when he lit with a match a pile of gunpowder that we had scraped out of Estes model rocket engines. Good times that no kid today would ever experience, because of today’s ever-worrying parents.
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He looks like a blogger.
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I always picture a surgeon as being a short, thin, wiry, fifty-something white guy. Maybe that’s because the only one I’ve had “work on” me fit that description. He was an oral surgeon, so that might not count. I said “oral”. That was cool.
I don’t recall ever catching my hair on fire, but I know EXACTLY what it smells like. Bear in mind, I was high through much of the 80s.
JCIII, you say “the stove”? Perhaps you mean “portable kitchen lighter”?
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Just watched a VERY unusual vid. Nora Jones and Keith Richards. Now that was a very different duo.
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DTO – if I understand correctly, I’m sorry to hear my brother. I just lit a candle for my dad yesterday (26 yrs) and my father in law (8 yrs). Both were guys I wish I had known better.
I wish you well.
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Looks like a terrorist.
Looks like a cab driver.
(is that the same look?)
Looks like a (insert Village People character)
I work with a great guy who if he doesn’t stop saying “OK” after every sentence will find me going all Chuck Norris on his ass.
I’ve stopped using paper all together at work …I thought moleskin was the stuff you stuck on your feet when you had a blister.
btw..The girl pointed out an Asian guy in a wheelchair today……he ran in to some people while moving…just sayin
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poste scrotum ….she who must be feared and obeyed burnt her eyebrows off when she was dusting and the rag touched the paper shredder. Bang, scream, sizzle, sniff sniff
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Yeah, so my High School career apptitude results came back and said, “Arsonist.” So what?
My biggest hair fire was back in the 1970s, back when people in rural environs could still burn trash in a metal 55 gallon drum in their backyards. My job in the family was to burn the trash every week. Being a teen, I liked to fuel the job with a “bit” of gasoline. However, I quickly tired of the quick whoosh that just a splash of gas provided.
One day, I decided to go for a more larered, parfait type distribution of trash and gasoline. I leaned over the barrel, touched the match to the trash, and it freakin’ detonated. My little brother said it went up in a mushroom cloud of fire, and there were all these little flaming pieces of trash littering our back yard. I came out of it sans eyebrows, arm hair, and my cute Booby Brady bangs. It was so cool!
Not hair related, but my best friend burned the leg of his pants off when we were in a vacant lot throwing molotov cocktails one day. It required a trip to the Emergeny Room in the the back of the fire department aid car. But on a positive note, Mr. Green, our History teacher should feel a swell of pride knowing that some of his students really were listening to his lecture about the Russian Revolution!
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On ending sentences with mmmm:
Hey jeff didn’t you once write about meeting a woman, a realtor or someone, who did the end of sentence mmm thing too?
I actually worked with a girl in High School who did that. She’d say something like “Can you hand me my coat mmm?” or “I put it in the breakroom mmmm.” She was pretty cute too but I think the whole mmm thing would have driven me to distraction.
On setting hair on fire:
I’ve accidentally set my hair on fire more than once. 4 times that I can remember at the moment. Lost my eyebrows a time or too also. The bad part is that two instances were when I was a supposedly mature responsible adult.
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sitting here reading comments with my morning coffee. you’d think i’d know better by this time. i’m still laughing over wb in ohio’s post about cleaning crap off his head rest and all of a sudden i read clint curtis’s post. the whole hilarity hit me all at once and i had to change my depends and wash my face. keep it up, guys, you make me LMFAO!
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The bunker cam is outstanding today!!!!!!! Just reminds you that your perspective on things can make all the difference.
I caught my mullet on fire once in college. I don’t remember too much, but it involved grain alcohol at a party in someone’s dorm room. The curtains were totally burned up and part of the ceiling because we couldn’t find a fire extinguisher anywhere on the floor. We found the spot where there was supposed to be a fire extinguisher, but nothing there.
“He looks like an assclown” – ok, not really a job but everyone knows what you mean when you say that.
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I’m with Rick……I think she definitely said “He looks like a STURGEON!” I think we all know someone that could fit that description! LOL!
OMG…..the arguing over 50 cents in the checkout line! More than once I have wanted to just hand the person the cash and say..”Can we move on now?” Sheesh!
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i have a pretty sweet dipshit lighting hair on fire story, but it’ll wait until i’m in the land of rape and budweiser.
well if i had money like henry ford lord i’d have me a woman on every road….
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get your hearing checked. he looked like a sturgeon. I’m sorry, I can’t kelp myself. I said it for the halibut.
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jciii let me talk to her. i’ll fix her. and then he said (punch in the gut)…..and then she says (spit blood on her face). she’ll learn real goldurn quick.
go back to those gold soundz
and keep my advent to your self
because it’s nothing i don’t like
is it a crisis or a boring change?
when it’s central, so essential,
it has a nice ring when you laugh
at the low life opinions
and they’re coming to the chorus now…
i keep my address to yourself ’cause we need secrets
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clintcurtis – I’ve done the exact same thing – too much gasoline in the oil drum – burning yard debris and I’m far from a teenager. I had to run around stomping out the bonus fires so the whole yard didn’t ignite. Kept my hair though.
When I was 8 or 9 (keep your children away from matches!) we started a trash can fire with anything flammable we could find – gasoline, paint, aerosols etc in one the neighborhood kid’s household trash cans. Being stupid children we left the trash can next the house. The flames licked up the side of the house (thankfully it was brick) and melted the the plastic guttering at the roof, which oozed down the wall like a gallon of toxic molasses. Yeah, that was popular…
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I have a friend who constantly bugs his eyes out at people in the most disturbing of fashions. It looks as if he is trying to size you up in the prison showers, and the worst part is the bugging eyes(3/4 of the eyeball showing, I kid you not) are punctuated with winks and raised eyebrows. He was a creepy creepy fellow to meet late at night.
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“He looks like a BIKER”….duh…
Dorothy: I have been laughing like a village idiot at a taffy pull too. Where is WB in OH’s comment you mentioned? I have to go back and read that myself!
Jeff: It seems as though Mumbles resembles Billy Bob Thornton in “Slingblade”…….”I like me some of them fried patater’s….MMMMMM….UH-HUH….”
Never caught my hair on fire. But since I perform laser hair removal on patient’s, I sure know the smell. Blecch.
I am also still laughing over the whole self check out story with the bag-o-chips. That is so me… People like that makes me absolutely ape shit.
Here’s a goodie………
I was behind some dude last week at Shop-n-Save that asked for a “sub-total” after each item. EACH. ITEM. His cart was loaded. When the final total was reached, he sifted through the bags of groceries and began handing things back to the poor cashier to now DEDUCT them from the total. It was at that time I think MY hair caught fire. The cashier deletes 5 or 6 items from the bill, gives him a new total. He then reaches over me for two candy bars and hands them to the cashier to ADD ON. Are you fucking kidding me??? And how does he pay, you ask? With a goddamn CHECK (!!) not previously filled out, nothing. He had to pull it out of his wallet and dust it off. Fuck me, man. I gotta hand it to the little zitster behind the cash register. She handled her self a hell of a lot better than I would have.
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The bunker cam: I think I know him….
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dorothy-Your batting .500, clintcurtis’s comment about the 55 gallon drum brought tears to my eyes as I did something similiar back in the day but you have me confused with someone else about the headrest. I don’t recall whose comment that was but perhaps one of our peers could shed some light on it for us.
I’ve got nothing on the first two topics but I applaud your stance on checkout ass baggery! At my normal grocery store there is checkout girl who is the slowest person you’ve ever seen. It takes her a full ten to fifteen seconds to grab an item and scan it. It’s like slow motion, and just brutal to watch. The whole time she’s scanning your groceries she has this whole face of determination look going on. She squints her eyes and I don’t know I wish I had Jeffs way with words, looks like she’s trying to remember Pythagoreans theorem or something. You just want to reach in and scan them for her and scream ‘see how fast I can go, why don’t you try it this way’!
I’ve singed more hair than I care to recall.
And just for those of you keeping track at home;
Beer 1
Me 0
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I forgot about a dental hygienist that worked on me once. She did the mmmm thing. She gives you the whole play by play of the cleaning with each little “that looks pretty good” followed with a “hmmm yes”.
And would someone tell me what I did to my laptop that I now have to enter my name and e-mail addy every time I want to comment?
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Lit my own hair on fire as an alter boy at the end of Mass. Luckily a women reached out and patted my ‘greg brady’ style flaming hair. The smeel was terrible and I remember it well.
As for the look; I agree on the ‘stripper’ look for cettain women.
Growing up my Father who was a computer repair man for IBM was often mistaken for a police detective. Once on a business trip to Chicago he went into a local establishment for drink and several folks quickly left the joint. The owner eventaully asked a bunch of questions and fiured out he was not a detective. I think the reason was that he looked and dressed like Earl Holliman of the Police Woman televison series staring Angi Dickinson.
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I always use the peopled check out lanes because I feel if I am going to pay those high prices someone has to work for it and maybe even give me some lube for the ass raping.
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My issue with the self checkout is that it seems that the vast majority of imbeciles can’t figure out the line structure. Inevitably someone just strolls up to a machine where the person is about to leave. “Hey fuck-tard, do you think we’re all standing here, queued up, for our health??!!” Since I have no qualms about yelling shit out, my store trips tend to be interesting! Probably why my girl won’t let me go shopping with her anymore.
Never set my hair on fire, but since I cook for a living, my hands tend to stay hair free!
@hot fuzz
but someday baby, you ain’t gonna worry my life anymore
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I have also though about carrying around a little notepad cause I seem to have good ideas when I’m smoking. I always forget them when I sober up lol. At least they seem like good ideas at the time. BODDINGTON’S!!! I seriously hope it tastes better in England than it does here. I bought a four pack of the stuff in tall boys and neary yakked when i took the first drink. In fact it should be called yak piss. I drank half of one and gave the other three to a friend. That was some of the worst beer I have ever tasted.
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my bad. i should have mentioned that it was in the column about bad excuses for missing work. i get behind sometimes and read a week all at once, then forget who wrote what. anyhow, the person (whoever it was) said that he had a close call in traffic and was still cleaning the shit off the headrest. too funny. i’ll go back now and see who it was. the story made a big hit at my writers’ workshop and i think it will be appearing in several publications someday. remember! don’t ever say anything in front of a writer that you don’t want written down somewhere or used in a story. i myself have plagiarized buck (on occasion) sorry about that, buck.
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i’m back. it was bill in wv. i knew it was somebody from some state.
reference—”bad call off excuses”
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Hey WB did you erase your browsing history and cookies and stuff. Thats what you get for looking at all that porn and trying to hide it man.
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I’ll see if this works. I had a non-porn related (would I lie to you guys?) virus scare a couple of days ago and increased my security settings. Just lowered them back.
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Bingo, thanks Valentin!
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OK…the Further Evidence link is seriously disturbing. I always thought of guinea pig as a crock-pot dish.
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@bikerchick – My dad has picked up the MMMM sentence ending in his old age. Dead on Slingblade.
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They make a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I poop on company time!
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Caught my hair on fire once while lighting a 2 or 3 ounce pile of gunpowder (FFFG) when I was 12. Good times!
Everyone have a great 4th!
EAT, (you know) and be MERRY!
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I’ve singed the hair off my legs a couple of times horsing around the fire pit back on the farm.
Surgeons: They have extra clean and pink hands. Really short nails, and often seem to have hairless hands and arms which just add to the extra pink look. Thats all I got on that.
I don’t use self checkouts for the same reason as Sam. I don’t see store prices dropping or rebates when using self checkouts, so pay the zitster to do the labour.
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Hey hot fuzz…yeah. Thanks.
Back home from Taos. Enjoying a thunderstorm and looking forward to the fairly decent fireworks they’ll do in this little ‘village’ nightly over the weekend.
Good times to all!
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I reallllly hope I don’t offend anyone by this, if I do I am SO SORRY…
‘That person looks jewish…or like a jew’
Please don’t tell me to fuck myself. lol
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The lady with the rapid facial ticks may have been epileptic. Rapid facial movement generally happens just prior to a seizure.
Does Mumbles have Tourette’s Syndrome? Just wondering.
I know a guy that ends every sentence with the phrase “on there”. EVERY FRIGGING SENTENCE. It makes me slightly nuts.
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Brittney…people often ask me if I’m Jewish…I tell them “Go fuck yourself.”
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i saw a friend of mine catch his beard on fire. it was pretty funny to watch him hit himself in the face to put the flames out
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I can’t believe how much my life sucks.
That is all.
At this time.
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ADubb – sorry, not sure I understand. Please type answer slowly because I don’t get stuff if you talk too quickly.
Honestly, couldn’t be sure if I made you laugh or offended and wouldn’t want to miss out on either opportunity.
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Chuck, try setting yourself on fire. That seems to brighten most people’s lives. Well, at least your friend’s lives.
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Crap, i forgot my own self-immolation story.
Eight years ago, we were camping and tossing the burnable materials from dinner in to the fire pit. This attracted a few flies so what seemed like a good idea was to spray Raid Wasp spray on to the garbage to kill the flies.
Here’s a little known fact…that stuff doesn’t like to dissipate too quickly and is quiet flammable, But it does make a cool sound when you light the vapors – sort of like a low frequency phoomp.
I found myself in a 10′ circle of flame cloud that lasted just long enough to exfoliate my shins. The boy and the girl still laugh when the see any reference to “Raid” on TV or see a can on the shelf.
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t-storm lights farts
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Made myself a large mango champagne, watched some Mad Men, then went for a walk, whereupon two teenage boys pulled up in their shitmobile, gunned their engine, and waved wildly like retards on a merry-go-round. Jeezus, I’m twice their age!! Yet I’m not embarrassed to admit it sorta made my night….even if they were merely on a Truth or Dare mission.
Anyway, I just remembered a fire story. I had a blonde moment once with an indoor gas fireplace. I was trying to light it without, er, opening the fucking flue first. When the gas finally ignited the ensuing fireball was impressive. Not enough to torch the living room, but still violent enough to force my dog into a highly unnatural Matrix maneuver. I smelled singed hair, but I was never sure if it was me or the dog.
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Actually…I don’t know that for a fact. He just looks like a guy who lights farts.
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Gretchen, you’re killin’ me! LOL !!
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Thanks, Greg.
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I do remember a drunken night in the air force when a friend caught his pubes on fire lighting a fart. singed the guys a bit.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
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oh, for what it’s worth, I look like a radish…
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@ hot fuzz Whoops! That shouldve been directed to t-storm! This is why I lurk and never post! That and I’m always sleep deprived!
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Hey no worries ADubb. Please post more!
Everyone please post more – it helps with a sense of community and more importantly makes me stick out less. I’m proof you don’t have to have anything funny to say!!!
at this time
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He looks like a fag. He looks like a maniac. She looks like a circus freak.
Self checkout lines seem to attract people who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. I recently asked a guy if he’d just got out of prison. He was baffled by the credit/debit machine and was actually trying to slide cash through the slot. I wanted to follow him home and murder him.
When I first met my wife she worked in a tile shop. There was this guy that also worked there and he’d let out squeeking noises and jerk around. I don’t know what was wrong with him but it would scare the shit out of me. I’d be talking to her and he’d yank his head to the side and go “eeeaakkk!!” Jesus. Got me every time.
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I thought Jeff talked about shitting the headrest in one of his updates. I could be delusional, I don’t know.
She looka lika man.
She looks like a praying mantis that hasn’t caught a meal since men wore powdered wigs and pantyhose.
He looks like his face caught on fire and someone put it out with a hatchet.
I caught my hair on fire on purpose because I heard it would grow back more lush and colorful. Turns out they were talking about lawns.
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People often ask me if I am a Jew. I tell them no, I am a Baptist. That usually draws nervous laughter. And a WTF? expression.
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sitting in the stl airport drinking headed to cincinnati. Am i going for pride or the northside rock and roll carnival? Can’t it be both? Also looking at houses tomorrow.
Rocked out with my cock out last night in South Citayyyyy.
Met a girl I can totally steal from her boyfriend.
I like jack, and I like hammers, but I do not like jack hammers
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Marcellas Wallace looks like a bitch.
HE LOOKS……
LIKE A BITCH
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Who the hell is Marcellas Wallace?
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So random story that I wanted to share…today my boyfriend and I went a waterpark and after a few hours of swimming and lazy rivers, we went to go lay on our towels. There was a mom and her 16 daughter who set up camp right behind us and as soon as we sat down they started arguing. They weren’t trying ot be quiet at all. Apparently mom was mad because her daughter was spending too much time with grandma, and before we knew it they were punching each other and whipping water bottles at each other.
So what did we do? We layed there and laughed at them.
It was a good day.
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16 year old daughter, not 16 daughters. Woah, that would be nuts.
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Chuck – I googled it, looks like that’s a line from pulp fiction.
Don’t remember burning my own hair, but as a kid, I do remember my Dad losing his eyebrows lighting a coleman stove. We laughed & laughed – but knowing his temper back then , probably not for long.
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Chuck, “Pulp Fiction”. Awesome movie – you should watch it you have a spare couple of hours sometime. Awesome, but this is NOT a film for children – on many levels. Once you’ve seen it, you too can drop lines like “Martin and Lewis, or Amos and Andy?”
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No…I’m just the odd man out lately. Like a very wise man once said:
“Do you ever feel like the world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes?”
Yeh…like that.
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Chuck,
That wise man was George Gobel, frequently known as “Lonesome George”. He had his own TV show from 1954 to 1960, and was a frequent guest on TV shows thereafter until close to his death in 1991.
The context was a walk-on appearance on The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson in 1969. Gobel walked on after Bob Hope and Dean Martin had walked on, and none of them was dead sober. They were all carrying adult beverages and Dean Martin kept flicking his cigarette ashes in Gobel’s drink. Gobel delivered the line and everyone lost it. A very funny moment.
Gobel was a funny guy, and I always enjoyed watching him on TV.
And just for the record, you seem neither out nor odd to me. Or just odd enough to hang out at this site.
jtb
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Yep…I saw that show when it happened.
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Happy 4th of July everyone. Now let’s all go fuck ourselves.
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Happy fourth surf reporters, may the beer be with you.
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Happy 4th Surfers – from your little brother above.
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Down here in Alabama they don’t say, “Forth of July” they say, “Fort a Jew-lie”. When I first moved here I’d say, “Happy what? I can’t understand you. Take the tobacco outta your mouf.”
Happy Fort a Jew-lie, Surf Reporters.
I’ve already started on the beers. Later I’m going to cook a rack of meat that is so big that it will literally flip my car on its side when I place it on the window.
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I drank so much today, I pretty much drank myself sober. Now I’m just tired. Good weekend….Night all.
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jtb – Boy…did that bring back memories! I’m dating myself, but I saw that episode too. A true classic indeed.
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I think all the old hipsters here saw it and for you comedy-curious…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0
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Won’t link..what is it with me and linkage…crap! mehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0
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put the link on a separate line and it will work a peach.
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Chuck,
I know this is odd and out there, but was “Work a Peach” the Allman’s followup to “Eat a Peach”? Just curious.
jtb
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bikerchick, Chuck, dto,
Well, we’re certainly aging, so we might as well be hipsters if that’s all that’s left for us. I’m not sure whether younger sprouts would appreciate that Bob Hope and Dean Martin were practically royalty and that George Gobel wasn’t. I’m not sure whether they’d know that Hope had traveled the world with the USO in and out of combat zones nor that Martin had had a series of #1 hit songs throughout the ’50s and early ’60s, or even that the Carson show was THE place to show one’s face on TV.
That before the WWW, before cell phones, before VCRs, before CDs, before the wide-spread deployment of cable TV, there was network television, and by the late 60s, Carson had become the king of late night TV.
But they could read the Wikipedia articles about these guys and learn a little something about the era before time when their parents were juicing it up.
They won’t, but they could.
jtb
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I miss the golden days of porn, when the women had sascrotches. Now they’re all trimmed and neat. Takes some of the filth out of it.
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When you see the old clips, it’s such a different vibe than today. Guests were smoking, not because it was cool, but because THEY were cool and drank (or likely came on drunk).
Such a different era.
BTW, I love how wonderfully attention deficit disordered we are as a group.
- Jeff’s QOTD about “people who look like something”
- My reference to “Marcellas Wallace looking like a bitch”
- Chuck asked for a point of reference
- Chill provides as requested
- Chuck’s line about “brown shoes….”
- JTB, bikerchick and DTO provide more background
- JTB reminisces and laments today’s yoots’ having missed out on the golden age of TV talk shows.
It’s like six degrees of Kevin Bacon every time I walk through this zoo to see the beasts. Love it. Carry on.
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One final observation/comment/question before I overstay my welcome….In 30 or 40 years, how many clips of Leno, Conan, Letterman and the rest will be THIS well remembered?
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The Tonight Show used to be 90 minutes and launched the careers of hundreds of comics and musicians. Mostly thanks to Carson. He was reported to be somewhat of a prick IRL but on his show he would set up the straight lines for the comics to provide the punch lines. If you made Carson laugh then your career was more or less made in just a few minutes. I think he was much funnier and more quick-witted than either Leno of Letterman. All my opinion of course.
How did we get on this subject?
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Thirty years from now, somebody will still be showing the Ed Ames tomahawk throw. “I didn’t even know you were Jewish”. Nice line.
jtb
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That’s a truly classic bit.
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My hair caught on fire at Christmas Eve church service as a kid. Good times….
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