Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 216

moleskine_pocketYeah, I need to be working on the book, but don’t really like yesterday’s update, and felt the need to get it off the top of the page.  So, I’m gonna zero out the notebook again today.  Quickly, with a pot of Eight O’Clock coffee in my great, ruby-crested belly…

I was in Sam’s Club, over the weekend, ingesting a giant hotdog with mustard and sauerkraut.  Yum!  And seated beside me was an Asian family, with severe accents.  They were talking and laughing, and interrupting each other, like everybody does.  But I couldn’t understand 80% of it.  Not that I was eavesdropping, mind you.  I prefer to call it “observing.”  Anyway, they were jabbering away, until the teenage daughter said — clear as a bell — “Are we having tacos tonight?”  I nearly choked on my emasculation dog.

Please use the comments section below to pretend to be confused and perplexed as to why this surprised me.

In the Replacements documentary there’s a brief segment where fans of the band tell the filmmaker how many times they’ve supposedly seen them in concert.  Is it just me, or do you suspect the answers to those kinds of questions are ALWAYS exaggerated?  Without exception?

One woman said she’d seen the Replacements more than 300 times.  That’s almost certainly bullshit, in my opinion.  And I think the people who said they’d only seen them 5 times are also lying.  It’s all lies, and exaggeration, right?

I know a guy who says he saw the Ramones 50 times, and I think he’s full of crap.  I suspect he saw them 6 times, maybe less.  He lives in Ohio.  Am I being unfair?  What are your thoughts?

A few days ago I approved a comment on a Surf Report update I posted in October.  It’s pretty amazing, for various reasons, and you can see it at the bottom of the page, here.  Holy shitknuckles!  Apparently we touched a nerve.

Ever since I received a speeding ticket a couple of months ago, I’ve been using cruise control in my car.  The speed limit is 55 on I-81, and I set it for 67 or so and head on down the highway.  Inside my head I’ve decided the cops will leave me alone, if I never pass 70.  I don’t know what I’m basing that on, but it’s what I believe.  It took me a while to figure out how to use the feature, even though I’ve owned the car for about 7 years.  But it’s serving me well.  How sound is my theory?  Do you think 67 is a safe place to be?  I need your input on this.

And speaking of cars, I was talking with someone a few days ago who told me something interesting.  She said she bought a vehicle a year or so ago, and makes a payment every two weeks — instead of monthly.  And if she misses the due date, the car shuts down.  I guess it’s got some kind of apparatus in it, which allows the lender to just shut your shit down if you get behind on your payments.  I’d never heard of such a thing.  Have you?  I assume it’s for people with horrible credit, right?  What do you know about this?  It’s new to me, and mildly disturbing.  Does it cut out while you’re crusing down the interstate, singing along to Hall &… I mean Nirvana?  Yikes!  That could cause a few problems, couldn’t it?

I got into a “conversation” with some guy last night, about the fact that none of the steroids assholes were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame this year.  I’m glad, and hope they never get in. Fuck those guys.  But my buddy kept saying, “It was the culture!  It was the culture!!”  Cheating?  Having an unfair advantage?  Screwing up all those legendary records?  We’re supposed to overlook all that, because several players were doing it?  I don’t think so.

He also trotted out the old classic, “Look at Babe Ruth!  He was a fall-down drunk.  And everybody hated Ted Williams.”  What does that have to do with anything? We’re bringing up personalities now?  Talk about muddying the waters.  I care about what they did on the field, and Sosa and Bonds and all those bastards cheated.  And if it’s not cheating, why do they all claim to have never done it?

You can justify it nine ways to sunset, but they helped destroy a lot of the history of that great game.  And that’s the part that bothers me.  I’d be happy if none of them of ever got into the Hall.  Most of them could’ve done it legitimately, but hey, you make choices in life…  I hope they remain on the outside looking in, in the same category as Junior Kennedy and Richie Zisk.

And finally, I stumbled upon this short video today, and actually laughed out loud.  I don’t do a lot of laughing out loud, but that one did the trick.  Funny stuff.  Also, this is cool.  And so is this.  Be sure to watch that last one all the way to the end.

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
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65 Responses to “Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 216”

  1. 67 is very reasonable. Unless it’s a school zone or something, 10 MPH or so will not be stop-worthy.

    [Reply]

    Dogberry Reply:

    Also:

    “I’m sorry Mr. Kay Jeff that you’ve endured some difficulties at the pharmacy recently.

    Fixed that for him.

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  2. My favorite English-suddenly-clear-as-a-bell instances are during commercials or news broadcasts on the Spanish-language radio stations I, umm, overhear from time to time. I do not speak Spanish and perceive it as very fast-paced mumbling. Then comes the English part and it always seems very slowly and carefully enunciated:

    “bupbupbupbupbupbupbupbupbupbupbup MC DON ALDS bupbupbupbupbupbupbupbupbup CHEV RO LET CA MAR O bupbupbupbupbupbupbupbupbup JOE BI DEN”

    Also, the car seat costume prank made me laugh and laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N-OToVEluI

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    t-storm Reply:

    Same way newscasters have to pronounce Spanish names with a Latin accent.

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  3. Or as they say in the upper midwest: “Ta-cos”

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  4. thas raycess

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  5. 100% absolutely right on Bonds, Clemens, Sosa, etc.

    Chinese people eating tacos….now that’s FUNNY shit!

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  6. 67 seems a a bit high, 59 is more like it, at least in Ohio.

    I didn’t read the the good doctors entire rant but he apparently thinks someone at this website is going to give one tiny shit what he thinks?

    I agree in part with your feelings about the steroid cheats but until the MLB strikes them from the record book I think we’re stuck with the mental asterisk next to their names.

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    Yeah – don’t fuck with those OSP’s. No sense of humor or proportion. Hamilton County (Cincinnati) is the worst.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Because it wasn’t patrolled enough, the OSP added motorcycle cops a couple of years ago down there.

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  7. There are some people who follow bands around and see them as much as they can. It’s not only deadheads who do that sort of thing.

    Besides a few songs, I don’t think The Replacements are all that great. I think Paul said in an interview once that he wished their albums didn’t sound like crap. I agree with him on that.

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    Jeff Reply:

    I know people see bands over and over, I’m not denying that. I’m just saying they exaggerate the number. If someone saw Phish, for instance, 25 times, they’d probably tell their buddies they saw them 50 times. Or 75 times.

    And I disagree wholeheartedly with your opinion of the Replacements.

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    Shannon Walters Reply:

    Yep…its like fishing stories….”that bass I caught had to be all of 20 pounds” sure Dad..it was probably a large angry anchovy…caught my own husband at this bs…”i spent years ‘on tour’ with the Dead…seen em at least 100 times” he kept every ticket stub….i counted… there was 33. ‘Nuff said.

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    Ognir Reply:

    Maybe I can back you love with this:

    A new reality show on TLC

    Pete Rose: Hits and Mrs

    I know people who saw the GD hundreds of times. I never did that sort of deal. I was too busy working.

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  8. Jeff…

    You know that actual doctors have a grasp of English spelling, grammar and syntax, right? This comment was from a 17-year-old kid. (With a small penis, if you want details). I would have rejected it because of length — the comment, I mean. But what the hell, it’s your house.

    John

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    Jorge Reply:

    Agreed. Most of the MDs and PharmDs I work with know the difference between then and then as well as manor and manner.

    Someone who claims Scotch-Irish descent probably attended English-speaking schools. Therefore ESL is probably not a factor here.

    That was a nut with an axe to grind. Even if some of it was reasonable, it’s still nutty.

    But out of curiosity, why did it take 3 months f

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    Jorge Reply:

    Agreed. Most of the MDs and PharmDs I work with know the difference between then and then as well as manor and manner.

    Someone who claims Scotch-Irish descent probably attended English-speaking schools. Therefore ESL is probably not a factor here.

    That was a nut with an axe to grind. Even if some of it was reasonable, it’s still nutty.

    But out of curiosity, why did it take 3 months for the approval? Did you break up the reading into bite-size chunks?

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Or even more basic shit like using apostrophes to create “plurals”. Nobody who so much as smoked and drank his way through two years at State U would write a comment a badly as that one.

    jtb

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    SaucyDeb Reply:

    I don’t know. I’m a chemist and I know guys with PhDs that would rather lose a nut than take an English class. Of course, they wouldn’t write some long ass, unrelated diatribe on a comedy site and try to sound smart.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Deb…

    Fair enough. That certainly agrees with my experience with many PhDs. However, to get the sheepskin, those folks had to write a shitload of papers and, somewhere along the line, there was a prof who actually cared about grammar and syntax.

    Also, we’re talking MDs, not PhDs. I’m not saying MedDocs are all smart — Lord knows they’re not — but there’s a MedSchool/Residency process that filters out people who can’t SOUND smart.

    John

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    m Reply:

    Are you sure about that? Because when I had to deal with residents, I heard a whole shitload of stupidity on a daily basis.

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  9. What?!

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  10. Jeff…

    I agree with you about the baseball stuff. There’s not a wonderful solution here, but people who cheat shouldn’t be encouraged. Comparing PEDs with Babe or Mick being drunk or even the wide distribution of greenies in the 70s and 80s is absurd.

    I’m unaware of hangovers being performance enhancing experiences; and if you don’t know the difference between taking speed and resculpting your body, perhaps you shouldn’t have one of those Hall of Fame votes.

    So sorry, it might seem unfair to exclude you from the HOF because you made yourself look like a Bond villain, but the fact is that you made yourself into, well, a Bond villain.

    jtb

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    Hell, I would assume that getting shit-face drunk the night before games, would make you play even worse the next day. The bat should have been shaking so bad, they would appear to be chopping wood instead of trying to hit an 85mph fastball. So, that guy’s comment about the stuff Ruth and Mantle did doesn’t make any sense.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Bill…

    The fact that Mick did what he did on two bad knees and a huge hangover boggles the mind. His drug of choice was a performance dehancer, and he was still one of the best pure hitters in an era that included Ted Williams, Willie Mays, Duke Snyder, Hank Aaron, Roberto Clemente, Stan Musial and my man Yogi.

    And Mick was a freakin SWITCH hitter. How good could he have been with good knees? On the other hand, how normal could he have been without that fuckdick father of his?

    jtb

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  11. Hooolllly SHIT, dude. Oh, sorry…Dr. Dude.. We come here to have a little fun and get a laugh. More times than enough it’s the bright spot in my day. And I look forward to it. We complain, piss and moan, and mock. But mostly laugh and laugh at eachother. It’s what we do…. Lighten up and try it sometime. Eat a pill for chrissakes!

    Never heard of the car that shuts down due to a missed/late payment. Thats fucked up. Can you imagine being in control of that red button?

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    Ken M Reply:

    I install those for a couple of local used car dealers. A third party controls the “button” They monitor location as well (G.P.S. and cell tower). It doesn’t shut off, it’s simply a starter interrupt, When they get the notice from the dealer that the “client” is in default, The vehicle will not start. (I have made more $$ REMOVING them than installing).

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  12. I had a conversation with Mick Jagger in the bra section of Costco the other day on the topic high sticking in the NHL, and he broke off into a diatribe about how he got a ticket for going less that 10 MPH above the speed limit on I-81 in PA one time. So watch out, Jeff: 67 MPH might be too fast. v

    I have personally spoken with Mick about 50 times, by the way.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Wow! Costco has a bra section now? Cool! I have a place to get support for my boobs…that I have in bulk.

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    Fancy Pants Maguire Reply:

    Darn it, you caught me in a lie…

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    squawvalleyskip Reply:

    You have boobs in bulk? This thread is useless without pics.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Wait a minute. What the hell were Mick and Bikerchick doing in the bra section? Which was the purchaser?

    jtb

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Yes….my cups runnith over. No photo’s for proof. Imagination is more powerful. ;)

    [Reply]

  13. Yes, the car cut off switch exists. I own a car lot, and though I do not use them, many of the “Buy here, pay here” or “Bad credit OK” type lots use them. They take advantage of those that can not otherwise get credit, kill them with high interest rate loans (24-28% is normal) and the device is usually gps based, so not only can they shut your car off, they know exactly where it is to make the repossession easier, if you get that far behind in your payments.

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  14. Jeff,

    In case you needed something more to bitch about re: Sosa. I present to you his Pinterest page:

    http://gizmodo.com/5974944/sammy-sosas-pinterest-page-is-just-photos-of-sammy-sosa-posing-over-and-over

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  15. Dr. Douchebag needs to be dick punched. In fact, I’m betting he’s a cachier at CVS who happens to be taking some online course “Be A Pharmacist In 2 Months” from some questionable college in a Third World Country. He can marginally coun to 50 so that pre-qualifies him for mock credits.

    I think it would be hilarious for someone mid-Mandarin-stream to yell out “So are we having tacos tonight?” It would have been even funnier if there were Costco sized cans of La Choy’s Chicken Chow Mein in their cart.

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  16. Did somebody say speeding?
    I’m from New Jersey.
    The way I understand Title 39 (motor vehicle law) is that being caught speeding 15 MPH or greater than the speed limit equals a 4 point summons and a fairly sizable fine. Points are a big deal here as the state can suspend your license and levy surcharges if you accrue too many points.
    Municipal prosecutors don’t want to tie up the court with what they consider petty complaints. So the prosecutors may offer the alleged offender a “deal” where the offender can plead guilty to a 2 point speeding violation. Or the prosecutor may offer to amend the speeding complaint to a similar charge such as careless operation. The fines in both instances are less than that of the original 4 point speeding charge. Alas, insurance companies have grown aware of these practices and may raise their rates accordingly.
    Your mileage may vary.
    Void where prohibited by law.

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  17. Neighbor is a PA state cop, he told me they normally set the radar for speed limit plus 9 MPH on a 55 MPH road. At 10 over, they write a ticket.

    A couple of years ago, my dad was on I-68 outside of Morgantown, WV. Speed limit is 70, he had the cruise set on 73 and a cop pulled a U-turn and wrote him a ticket. That prick must have been having a bad day.

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  18. Speeding tolerance varies greatly by jurisdiction. Ohio has long had a reputation for being dicks about it. Here in NoVa, most of the time they don’t seem to care too much as long as you’re doing less than 80 or so – but not all the time. Never having lived in the Greater Scranton Metroplex, I have no idea what enforcement is like there. One time I got away with 104mph while passing through on I-84, but that might not be normal.

    The steroidistas are reaping the consequences; fuck ‘em. It really bugs the crap out of me when people cheat, but for some odd reason I don’t consider speeding to be cheating.
    .

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    Harpo Reply:

    If you’re like me, speeding doesn’t count because it’s not a contest. Someone isn’t “losing” because you drove faster than the speed limit. In sports (or business or whatever) someone is suffering a loss of some kind because of rule-breaking. That’s not the case with driving. At least that’s how I justify it to myself every single day of my life.

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  19. I was lucky enough to write ISO certified maintenance procedures for many many electronic devices over the years. Modern doppler radar and lidar devices used by the police are calibrated and legal in court with a 8-10% error depending on the device. That means at 55, they won’t waste their time with you if you are only 5.5 mph over, or 61 mph. It’s not that they can’t stop you for anything less, but if you are smart enough to contest it will most likely be dropped..

    This is true only if the unit is calibrated as scheduled by the manufacturer. If out of scheduled calibration your chances of getting off are even greater at higher speeds.

    I use the 6 mph spread from 55 to 70 areas. This way I feel safe enough to not even slow down like everyone around me when they see the cop parked on the side of the road. I haven’t been pulled over in over twenty years.

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  20. A year or so ago I got a ticket for 66 in a 55. Three weeks later I got another one for 71 in 55. Passed a couple farmworkers of questionable citizenship enjoying cervazas in an unregistered old pickup going 40 in the same 55 zone. When I mentioned that to the CHP he called me a racist, and said whatever they were doing had no bearing on this traffic stop. Then he let them drive on past us, unmolested. Could only take traffic school once, so one went on my insurance. Funny thing is, a few months earlier I was on my way to work at 10:30 at night and got pulled over on my Harley. The officer said he clocked me at 85 in a 55. The he told me “Your old enough to know better, slow your ass down. You don’t want the feral hog that steps out in front of you to do that at 85. You’d have plenty of time while you’re flying through the air to be thinking ‘Well, I’m fucked now’ “. Then he let me go.

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  21. As a life long Pennsylvanian I feel if you are over 62 in a 55 you are risking a ticket. Especially in high accident areas (look for the diamonds on the speed limit signs). When I am on the turnpike I stay under 71.

    I have also learned as I have traveled around the country that the higher the speed limit the less leeway you get; so for example if the speed limit is 70 or 75 you dial that number in on the cruise control and sit tight.

    When you drive on 422 through Montgomery county you can figure out where the police like to lurk by the people who slam on their brakes in seemingly random patterns before returning to their previous Nascar worthy speeds

    [Reply]

    Alex Reply:

    One exception to that rule, the “other” Detroit Speedway, I94. I’ve been in the triple digits to go with the flow of traffic on more than one occasion. As a speed demon, its kinda nice, but safe following distance? Hah. Make a safe gap and somebody pops into it before you can blink….

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  22. If the comment is longer than tho original post……

    And jk was not a dick in the post. But I’d like to know why that set off the good doc.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Did you read the comment? He was neither a good nor a bad doc. He didn’t have basic high school English skills. Anybody can comment here as long as Jeff lets them in. I believe you’re an aeronautical engineer because you sound like one. The commenter in question sounds like a bored kid; that’s most likely what he is.

    jtb

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    t-storm Reply:

    I read the comment until my eyes glazed over.

    I thought assault and battery was what John rocker was talking about at the Mets stadium?

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    dto Reply:

    Perhaps a bit of word enconomy would have been more useful to convey a rather deep felt emotion and passion for the rigors of the profession…

    “I’m the Pharmacist
    So…nanner, nanner, nanner.
    Nanners to you all.”

    ***on a side note…I have never got upset at anyone with the ability to supply me with drugs. Just goes against my nature I guess.

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  23. Jesus Fucking Christ, that pharmacy freak is unhinged. His “response” is literally longer than the update. What a cunt. I hope he comes back to read some of the responses to his harangue. Everyone has become such a bunch of crybaby shitbags, always offended, always a victim. Well fuck off.

    I’m all about stereotypes, even though everyone else (blubbering vaginas) thinks they’re evil. I would have reacted the same way to the Asian taco thing. Today I saw a black guy in a cowboy hat driving down the road in a vintage VW beetle. It seemed so bizarre to me that I told my wife about it.

    I try to stick to to 10mph over the speed limit rule, so 67 seems a wee bit ballsy to me.

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  24. If that ‘pharmacist’ drove on Blizzak tires, he wouldn’t be so insecure!

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    If he drove on Blizzaks, he’d be able to achieve tumescence because Blizzak provides assurance year-round.

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  25. As for black folks with cowboy hats, well, there were black cowboys, and there’s Charley Pride (and a couple of others…Donna Summer switched to country, as well as Ray Charles, so that doesn’t surprise me.) The taco thing? We’re Americans (some of us with no Hispanic heritage whatsoever, and yet no one really thinks that strange.) Hell, I’d say the strange thing is someone wanting a taco from Wal Mart or Sam’s (or Taco Hell).

    As for no one getting into the Hall of Fame because of “cheating,” shit, supermodels use cigarettes, amphetamines, and all sorts of weird shit to compete in the modeling world, musicians sometimes take muscle relaxants or tranquilizers (or my favorite, beta blockers). Is this cheating? Sure it is, but guess what? Who the fuck puts any of these people on a higher pedestal than athletes? I don’t want to hear about “purity” of the game, because that’s all I heard this morning. (Thank you actor/reporters–I’m not looking for Olivier or Judi Dench getting all verklempt over a fire….at Christmas–it doesn’t matter if your house burns down in July, though.) Fuck that–you know damn well if they’d had the technology, the ones with the propensity to take them would’ve. Shit, how much of an edge is it going to give you if you have mediocre talent, anyway? You’re not going to jump to A to the Bug Show in a couple of months due to steroids. If I could make an improvement like that, shit, I’d start taking them and start performing again…instead of suffering from stage fright. So, yeah, I’m a cheater (or would be a) cheater too.

    Sorry about the rambling rant, but there are soooo many people in competitive fields cheating–Adderall, anyone? There’ll be finals to study for!

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    Was there a long comment contest I wasn’t informed about?

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    Jason Reply:

    Oh yes. And Hootie is singing country too. Guess that makes it as common as pennies. Ftw.

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  26. I’m in Columbus and drive frequently to Mansfield on 71, and I almost always drive 10 over the speed limit. As long as you can keep your eyes peeled while you drive and scan for state patrol, you should be ok.

    Also, even if you’re already 10 over and somebody passes you I always figure they will get pulled over before I will.

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  27. I live in Mass. and used to work in Southern NH. Rt 95 speed limit is 65. If you go 65 or 70 you will get run off the road. Everyone drives at 75 and above. I used to set my cruise at 74 and was never bothered. One day some jerk flew past me doing at least 90. There was a state cop with laser when he whizzed by me. He almost skidded sideways jamming on his brakes when he saw the cop. I laughed because he was nailed… The cop never moved. I couldn’t believe it. I wrote a letter to the head of the state police. Weeks later I got a reply and he blamed it on homeland security. Says they are understaffed and can’t stop everyone. I now drive 90 on that road and have never been stopped

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    chill Reply:

    Thass wicket ossum.
    .

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  28. As a life-long Reds fan, all I have to say is: if Pete Rose can’t make it into the HOF, then none of these other bozos should make it either!

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    t-storm Reply:

    Agreed.

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  29. Flatulence in the workplace:

    http://lifeinc.today.com/_news/2013/01/11/16465654-flatulent-federal-workers-reprimand-is-rescinded?lite

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  30. I heard a cop once say “9 you’re fine, 10 you’re mine” in how much leeway he gives speeders.

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  31. I have a good friend who is from Mexico. He, my daughter and I went to a mexican restaurant for lunch. Jose always speaks spanish to the waiter on these outings and was doing so that day. With his hands doing most of the talking he was trying to describe the meal he wanted. After the long description in which I understood nothing the waiter looked at him weird and said “nachos??” Daughter and I fell out laughing.

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  32. It was -17 this morning. Warmed up to +15 and now it’s +10 and is supposed to get to -23 tonight. Just got back from a beer run and the cold is the talk at the store. During the day with the sun, 15 doesn’t seem all that cold. One guy piped up that a few years back (I’ve been here 9) it was -30 for three straight weeks here. There was about four or five of us in line and you could feel a collective, “You’re full of shit’, being sent his way. Fucking blowhard. Talk about exaggerating.

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  33. The guy who said he saw The Ramones fifty times, really only saw them six times, but he was so stoned that it felt like fifty.
    Twelve mph over the speed limit is pushing your luck if you’re in CT, especially if your speedometer reads low. I’ll write the ticket at 12 or 13, unless you’re in my way to a donut shop and I just want you back into the righthand lane, so I can get past you…at that point I revert back to my roots: the Tolliver-Martin feud…

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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