Hello Surf Reporters! I don’t have the energy or the focus to come up with a quality, polished article today, so I’m just going to flip through my notebook and see what happens. Just remember, though… you guys wanted more updates. If this thing goes circling down the ol’ poop-catcher, I will not be held responsible. I hereby wash my hands of the whole situation.
I was in Sheetz this afternoon and saw some nerd, who was built like the Dancing Bear on the old Captain Kangaroo program, swigging a giant blue drink with a dome lid on top. And I’m sorry, but I just can’t respect a man who drinks beverages with a dome lid. Am I wrong about this?
The only possible time I might have gone-dome, is with a Blizzard at Dairy Queen. I’m not sure about it, though. It feels mildly domey to me, but I also believe Blizzards are usually served without a lid. I’m getting mixed signals on that one. But I certainly don’t order limp-wristed coffee things, with whipped cream on top. And I don’t get ludicrous blue or neon-red novelty beverages that are piled-up higher than the lip.
What’s your stance on domes? I’m not a fan, and instantly change my opinion of people I see engaging one. Am I being too harsh with the domers? Please set me straight in the comments.
Last night at work I saw a woman buying an orange soda, and told her to be careful. “Those things are like Ex-Lax,” I said. And she answered, “I know Sunkist makes you crap, but this isn’t Sunkist.” And I was plunged into a state of confusion.
Sunkist makes YOU crap? Was she talking about me, specifically, or the more general you? If she was talking about me, then how does she know? It’s true, of course: Sunkist does make me crap. But I’ve never spoken about it at work; I’m almost certain. Does she read the website?? Are all my poop secrets more widely known than previously believed?
But if she was saying that Sunkist triggers the insta-shits, and everybody knows this… Well, that’s interesting. For a long time I’ve felt like one of the few people who knows that particular truth.
In any case, I steer clear of all orange and grape-flavored sodas, because they make my ass go off like Peter Brady’s volcano model. Pass the beer nuts.
Sometime during the past few weeks I wrote in my notebook: foods you can no longer stomach, because of a bad experience. However… I can’t really think of any. At least not unless I expand “food” to include Long Island Iced Tea. And that’s cheating.
Toney had a very bad experience with shrimp, when we lived in California, and wouldn’t eat them for years. But she’s been back on the crustacean train for a long time. It only lasted for five years or so, and then it became worthy of a gamble again.
There’s an old Utopia album that I listened to, over and over, when I had the flu in high school. And even now, I get a queasy feeling when I play it. But, I can’t really think of any foods that do it to me. What about you? Have you had such a bad experience with something, it’s permanently ruined? If so, we’ll need to know about it. Also, non-food things, like my Utopia record…. Please use the comments section below.
And here’s something I’m surprised I haven’t covered yet: the overly aggressive DirecTV salesmen at Sam’s Club. Maybe it’s just at our Sam’s, but I doubt it. They have DirecTV guys wandering around the television section, who badger the living shit out of everyone.
I won’t even walk through there anymore, because it aggravates me right up to the cusp of a cerebral hemorrhage. They have their pre-programmed sales pitches, and will NOT take no for an answer. They keep on and on, until you have no choice but to be rude to them. And I don’t need that. I don’t need to have additional confrontations in my life.
They’re like car salesmen, or carnival barkers, or something. And they’ve been trained to knock down every “not interested,” and associated answers. We’re in the market for a new 40-inch (or so) TV, and would like to check out the Sam’s selection. But I won’t do it. I’m afraid I’ll stroke out, start throwing haymakers, or be pushed into something else that won’t do me any good.
FYI – Six months ago my feelings on DirecTV were neutral. I wasn’t overly interested, but the door was open; there was a small possibility I could be convinced. But now? I’d rather insert my penis into an oscillating fan. They’ll never get a penny out of me. Never! I hope all their satellites go cartwheeling into the Indian Ocean.
We’ve probably done this before, but please bring us up to date on the companies you’ll never do business with again. My parents have been boycotting Best Buy for 20 years, because of a single condescending laminate-wearing prick in Charlotte, NC. Heh. What about you? Please tell us all about it.
And I’m going to stop right here. There’s more in the notebook, but I’m out of gas.
Have a great weekend, my friends!
I’ll see you again on Monday.