Your Weekend Update, vol. 7
Book update: The cover is roughly 98% complete, and I’m very happy with it. The Evil Twin does great work, and this is no exception. He’s captured the mood, I think, and it looks great as both a thumbnail and full-sized. This was one of my ridiculous requests, which I’m sure he appreciated.
I might post the cover art later in the week, or early next week. I’d like to get your thoughts on it.
Also, the electronic versions of the novel are being created as we… write and read, and I expect to have them later today or tomorrow. We’re getting very close to go time. Once I have it uploaded, and make sure there are no compatibility issues, I’ll receive a proof copy from Amazon. If everything looks good, I’ll flip the switch and it’ll be available for sale.
It’s exciting. I’ve been working on this project, off and on, for about three years. The first draft was completed in December of 2009, and I’ve gone through two big re-writes, and also switched agents since then. But now we’re just a few weeks away from it finally seeing the light of day.
I think you guys are going to like it. It might not be great literature, like The Scarlet Letter, but it’s a hell of a lot funnier. This, I can guarantee.
While I was talking with the Evil Twin on Saturday, he started telling me about a French film director he likes. He was really getting into it, and it was almost like it was 1979 again, and he was raving about the Stiff Little Fingers, or some other obscure band, behind the counter at Budget Tapes and Records, where I first met him.
In fact, his enthusiasm caused me to check Netflix for films by Jacques Tati, and I ended up watching one (Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday) via their instant streaming service, later the same night. And, as usual, the Evil Twin was right on the money. The movie is hilarious and charming, and I want to watch it again. It was filmed in the early 1950s, at a seaside hotel in France, and it feels like I was transported there. I’d like to return.
Netflix has four of Tati’s films available, and I plan to check them out, ASAP. And who could’ve predicted such a thing? Old movies from France? Three days ago I would’ve let loose an involuntary “Ha!” at such a notion.
We had a guy come out on Saturday to give us an estimate on rehabbing the deck on the rear of our house. It’s no longer level, and has seen better days.
Our house is built on the side of a hill, and one side of the deck is sinking into the ground. I’m afraid to walk on it, which is probably irrational. But I have visions of me cooking up a mess o’ burgers out there, the shit collapsing, and me lying in the backyard with an in-operation gas grill on my lap. And I can’t have that.
Anyway, the guy (who comes highly recommended) will jack up the sinking end, add concrete anchors to the posts (there are currently none!), pressure wash and refinish the wood, for $1400. He told us the deck itself is well made and solid, it just needs some TLC. One post is slowly easing into the Earf, and that’s the only major problem. Stupid deck-gobbling Earf…
We’re probably going to end up doing it, of course. We need our charred meats and summer microbrew deck feasts. But it’s yet another outlay of cash. I don’t know if any of you have encountered this same problem, but I’m always being asked to pay for stuff. Have you noticed this phenomenon? It’s irritating.
And please don’t start in with the “do it yourself” crap. Remember who you’re dealing with here. If you think I’m going to be out there mixing concrete and jacking up decks, you clearly don’t know me very well. I’m more of a “that asshole said he’d be here at 9:00, and it’s already 9:20″ kind of guy.
Wanna see something completely terrifying? Look at this. Shit!
On Saturday we were in Sam’s, the exclusive club we were invited to join, and I was the skinniest man in the house. And I’m fat.
There was a guy there who had a great swinging ass-belly beneath his gargantuan t-shirt. I’d never seen anything quite like it. There was a clear separation in the middle, like a standard crack, but it was in the front. And every time he took a labored step, the thing would sway from side to side.
Even Toney, who isn’t quite as mean as I am, said, “Man, there’s a lotta beef in this place today.” And she wasn’t kidding! I felt like a tiny pixie of a man beside those shopping behemoths.
And as we walked toward our car, our conversation turned to obese entertainers (triggered by a man who looked like Meat Loaf in compression stockings), and I’d like to make that our Question of the Day.
In the comments section, please tell us your all-time favorite overweight singers, actors, comedians, whatever. A few jump immediately to mind, but I have a feeling you guys will dig a little deeper. I have great faith in you.
And I’ll see you tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
First?
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One of the decks on our house is lopsided so hub stuck a couple of cinder blocks under the saggy end for now. For now was 2 years ago. Eh, we have 2 other decks we don’t use.
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WB in OH Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 7:38 pm
I hear Bill Clinton has lopsided deck.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:52 am
They secretly took him to Bethesda and had it straighted when it looked like that chubby chic might squeal. Turns out it was all for nothing, and he’s not getting near the ass he did when it was bent. Fucking ripoff.
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I still feel sad when I think about John Candy.
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Good2go Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:20 pm
Me too.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Me three. Summer Rental was on the other day.
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fattie20xl Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:35 pm
remember “camp candy”?
also: louis tully (Rick Moranis’ character) from Ghostbusters was originally written for John Candy, but he couldn’t commit to the role.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:55 am
I’m still mad at Rick Moranis because of “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” and “Little Shop of Horrors”. That fucking hack got rich from crap like that. If I ever see him in person I’m going to break his collar bones with a 2×4.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 12:44 pm
The “Fishin’ Musician” on SCTV was the best bit ever.
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Oh man, the link to that website in f.e. is wicked depressing. I’ll bet if they sold hosiery helpers or whatever they’re called at Sam’s they would be constantly restocking.
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Vicki Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:28 pm
I’m bookmarking that site for future; although, may not be as future as I’m hoping—right now I have a ketchup stain down the middle of my shirt from the Smart Ones Mini Cheeseburger I had for lunch. Bib is looking pretty good.
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The two Johns— Belushi and Candy.
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Jonathan Winters! I always thought he was funny, Batshit crazy but funny.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
I’m trying to think of the fatty comedian. Ralphie May? No, that ain’t right.
The one I’m thinking joked about going to a Grand Opening All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet and got kicked out after 4 hours of eating.
Help me out here, will ya?
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Gabriel Iglesias?
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madz1962 Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:35 pm
John Pinette – HILARIOUS
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Yeh…him.
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Hashbrown Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:45 pm
I have John Pinette’s DVD called I’m Starvin’. I’ll agree. Hilarious. I like how he developed a twitch whenever he talked about eating anything healthy.
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My neighbor had a small 8×8 porch built on the back of their house last Summer. Took the guy almost 2 weeks on what should have been a 3 day project. I have never seen anyone measure a board that many times. It was priceless.
Hefty entertainers:
Jackie Gleason
Leslie West
John Candy
Laurence Fishburne (his face seems to be absorbing his features…is that possible?)
Forest Whitaker
Yaphet Kotto
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madz1962 Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Hey Chuck – we both said “hefty”. That cracked me up.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 9:54 pm
I live in an area where most people are hefty. They make me feel almost small. I do like the word hefty. It’s not just for bags anymore.
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Aretha Franklin got hefty.
I think we have to re-do our deck, too. I want to go a step further and put in a screened in porch. I’m neurotically afraid of bees and wasps.
Jackie Gleason – I love all of the Honeymooners, but in real life, he was a bit of a prick.
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Of course, Chris Farley.
Of course, John Candy.
And, even though I may catch shit for this, I like Mo’nique. She said a joke before regarding her husband and him not being able to read, and it had me in tears.
Why hasn’t anybody said ‘Precious’, yet?!? HaHa.
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Ralphie May is correct, I believe.
My fave? Not to be an ubergeek, here, but Orson Welles. Brilliant, brilliant guy. Scared everybody shitless with a radio play (radio!!!), then made a debut film (Citizen Kane) in 1941 that looks like it was made yesterday by some smirking NYU film school grad with an attitude and an IQ of 3 zillion. He looked like a leading man, too. Watch it, then check out Touch of Evil. Holyblubberfuck! That’s a dude who got bored with looking healthy, ate 91,344 cows and drank all of the alcohol in sight. Welles is about double awesome, just for that wanton don’tgiveashitness.
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Lee Harvey Ramone Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:10 pm
I concur on Mr Wells
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Lee Harvey Ramone Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:14 pm
with an ‘e’
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fattie20xl Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Who else could they get to play the cybertronian demigod UNICRON!?!?!!
a motherfucking transformer who’s alternate mode was a motherfucking PLANET?!?! that ate whole other PLANETS!?!
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Can’t imagine life without DIY projects….. weekends would be all about *gasp* spending time with the wife and kids!
Speaking of…. My house is 2 yrs old, covered in painted stucco. I took the touchup paint left by the builder to the local paint shop where the guy spent 20 minutes tweaking the color perfectly. It took me about 5 minutes after I got home to figure out they painted my house with whatever shit they had lying around that was “about beige”. 5 walls, 5 different colors. Those bastards…….
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You wanna see some “front-butts”, go on a bike run with us. These women can’t possibly own a mirror.
Chris Farley
Buddy Hackett
Sam Kinison
We have an “upper” and “lower” deck. Both need powerwashed and restained. But my boyfriend wants to replace it with the Trec (?). He says it would cost a small fortune though.
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Henderson Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Is a “small fortune” anything like “Jumbo shrimp”?
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madz1962 Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I think it’s more like a plastic glass!
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debra Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:08 pm
I think it’s called a “BUNT”
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chill Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 6:11 pm
I can’t say the letter B. It’s all due to a trauma I suffered as a sboolboy. Silly bunt.
.
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A former co-worker was in Los Angeles years ago and saw movie reviwer/film historian Leonard Maltin in a hotel lobby; she said he his ass was almost shockingly immense.
I saw Fats Domino perform many years ago, and he lives up to his name. During his encore, he repeatedly slammed his bulk against the piano, ultimately pushing it all the way across the stage…
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We’ve had a year of shit breaking in our house and just general bad things happening.
Our master bathroom shower was leaking into the kitchen. Luckily the hubby was able to fix it, but we still have a hole in the ceiling. The garage roof had issues and it was raining in the garage. That has now been fixed by some nice roofers. Our water heater is slowly dying and we need to replace a retaining wall. Both vehicles are also starting to have issues.
This seems to be our year for home repairs.
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lavell crawford, check him out, he is hiarious!
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Ed Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Good answer! He is great.
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TR Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 9:12 pm
just remembered steve perry got fat, love him, love journey but he got hefty.
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Very excited about seeing the book. It’ll be a big day. I guess we’ll have to hunt you down to get it signed.
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CADude Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I foresee (hope for?) special edition signed copies being sold through this site and shipped out of the bunker, a la the t-shirts.
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CitizenX Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I am looking forward to the book as well as the cover art.
And YES, he better be offering signed copies!
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I just spent abotu 25K on a new kitchen last year. Hell, I just spent $725 on a single tooth this morning. 14 hunnert on a daggum deck doesn’t sound that painful to me.
After reading the names listed in the comments above, I especially like Orson Welles and Buddy Hackett. It’s really too bad that those two did not get a chance to work together more when they were alive.
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wvanva Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Spent $328 on the root canal yesterday and will dish out another $450 plus next week for the crown. I like spending money on my house much more.
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chill Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Holy fuck’n hell. I went to the dentist three weeks ago fully expecting an excruciating root canal, and was delighted to get away with a bite adjustment instead. I guess I should be grateful to have dental insurance from work, but it hardly seems worthwhile; my visit was $158, of which insurance paid $12.80. Gee, thanks, Elvis.
.
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Soooooooo…will those of us on your super-exclusive mailing list (it’s a little more super-inclusive than, say, Sams…) will have the opportunity to get a signed first edition.
Because, you know, I pay a lot to read here every day.
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I love feasting on decks.
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Bill in WV Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Huh? Oh…..
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Henderson Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Ya suck one deck……..
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Geez, man, that Paula Deen covers link is worse than terrifying. Same smile every time, same airbrushed photo treatment every time. Yikes!
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m Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Paula of the Purple Hair is a little much, but I do love her recipes. When it tastes good, add a stick of butter (“butta”) and it will be even better.
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chill Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Everything’s betta with butta. Fat is what makes food taste good.
.
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>>>>On Saturday we were in Sam’s, the exclusive club we were invited to join, and<<<<
I haven't renewed my business membership with Sam's for years. I do all my shopping at Restaurant Depot now. Better stuff. And it has a walk-in refrigerator area larger than the average parking lot. It's worth joining (free) and it's not terribly difficult to get a membership, even if you have to find yourself a business-owner connection to make your membership legit. http://restaurantdepot.com/
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Son of Sam Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 7:02 pm
we have one in Pittsburgh that I have been to a couple times what a cool place.
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Wayne Knight, Neuman on Seinfeld. Though last time I saw him I’m betting I’ve easily got 25 lbs on him.
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Kirk Windstein is my favorite overweight singer/artist. He isn’t horrifically obese or anything, but he’s a big dude. He was even bigger back in his youngin’ days.
He is the founder/guitarist/lyricist for the band Crowbar. I totally recommend them to any metal head out there. Every word he says sounds like he is giving his last dying breath to get it to your ear hole. He is not to be dicked about with.
And he’s cool. Crowbar can fill out arenas across Europe, and just a week or so ago they played a gig at a skate park in Nowhere, Louisiana. That park probably holds a few hundred people, tops. And the biggest heavy metal band from Louisiana just stopped by to play a gig.
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icecycle66 Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Oh, and I hear that Crowbar played the show for a pot of gumbo and some beers.
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Kevindust Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 11:31 pm
I saw Crowbar open for Pantera in Montreal on the Far Beyond Driven Tour. Awesome show all around.
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Barry White. Every single one of his hits sounded like he’d do you through the speakers if he could.
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Hashbrown Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Nice.
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Side note: Gotta love Scranton.
Karin Mackaliunas of Scranton, Pennsylvania. Police found — upon searching her after finding a connection with a minor burglary — 54 bags of heroin, cash, empty bags and assorted sundry pills in her vagina. The total take was 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags, eight-and-a-half prescription pills, and $51.22 in cash. There are so many questions here. What’s with the half-a-pill? Why not just carry the empty bags in your jacket and put the rest of the heroin in your lady business? Doesn’t have a purse or a wallet?
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Bill in WV Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Are we talking about a person here or a kangaroo?
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johnthebasket Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 6:43 pm
She had the half pill because she didn’t want to take too much at once. You can get hooked on that stuff.
jtb
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Gretchen Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Now THAT’S a vagina full of bad decisions!
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m Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 7:45 pm
I used that phrase in a breakroom full of labor nurses when one pulled out a tuna sandwich for lunch. Epic laughter ensued. I thank whoever first used this phrase. It has a particular resonance for the hoohoo honeys in L & D.
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Leon Russell…..ya, it took 30 years but do you remember what he used to look like?
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Dom Deluise, Burt Renyolds pal was funny & 1 hell of a cook.
http://www.domdeluise.com/gallery.html
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Kate Smith
The human Bender Rodriguez
Dr. John
Those pink ‘Fantasia’ elephants
Ron White (who has probably seen his share of the pink pachyderms)
All chubbertons, and all very entertaining!
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Agree on Dom Deluise and Sam Kinison. I’ll throw Jerome Howard (Curly) in the mix as well…
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Chis Farley for sure. Good thing he is back.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/normallyodd/chris-farley-is-back-tc
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While looking at the page full o’ Paula Deens, I clicked on the one picture where she wasn’t smiling. (It really stands out) It links to a story (with video) about her getting hit in the face with a ham!
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How about Oliver Hardy? And that reminds me of Alan Hale Jr. aka The Skipper.
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Louis Anderson – is he still around?
Heh. Round.
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Jeff…
Worth considering…a busking book tour. You have friends and fans in many of the great cities of the northeast and the upper midwest, including Pittsburgh and Belpre. Just get your local “readie” (heh) to get you set up with a portable speaker and start reading on the street. A crowd will gather, and the readie can sell a few books for you.
It worked for Mary Lou Lord.
Just thinkin’…
jtb
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TR Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 9:10 pm
id go to the book tour!
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Bill in WV Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:56 am
We could get Michael Richards, in full Kramer mode, to take you on a bus tour.
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Meatloaf
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Re: The Deck.
Look, I totally understand your not wanting to jack up a deck and fix a post. That shit would suck, and there’s a million ways to go wrong, but…
Even a man of your… nature… could handle the power-washing bit. It will probably take you a couple of hours at most, and it will maybe save you a couple-hundred bucks.
You could get away with an inexpensive electric-type of power washer ($70?) and do a fine job. It’s also good for cleaning cars, washing the driveway, hosing off your siding, etc. It’s not at all a man-tool… even a lady like you could handle it!
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Uncle_Wedgie Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 8:54 pm
You could also use the power washer to send all those Andy (Snoop-manny-man) turds into Poppa Half-shirts lawn.
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fat luther vandross he was like oprah, his weight always going up and down. i love me some luther!
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When my deck started sagging, I just propped it up on a couple of Blizzaks.
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johnthebasket Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 5:39 am
I’ll grant you Blizzaks can tackle just about any job, but once my deck started sagging, even the Blizzaks wouldn’t hold it up for long. I thought those fokkers were mojo, but, in the end they’re just Blizzaks.
jtb
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Orson Welles, Jonathon Winters and Sam Kinison in that order.
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
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i like how you put words together to make my brain happy
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Sure, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts.
Dad told that joke in very mixed company (age, gender, religion) and somehow got away with it. He was a very charming man and sometimes that makes me wonder about evolution and DNA.
Gone these two years, and the guy still makes me laugh.
jtb
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wordnerd, it is always a pleasure to see you comment. I miss your regular visits.
jtb
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I have been advised that power washing is the wrong thing to do. This was coming from a guy I was renting the washer from. You will damage the wood with the pressure. The wood is too soft. They make a wash you slop on…sponge, mop or even with one of those pump-up home sprayers (my method). Apply (soak), let it set a bit and then hose off.that’s the way I went for my 20×20 deck. I restained/ sealed it too. I had no jacking involned. Don’t let the guy power wash it.
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Frank Black. That fat bastard can rock.
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Stephen Stills is mighty hefty.
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I’m having multiple technical issues here, and my right hand is WHIPPING through my hair. I can’t upload new photos to the WordPress site, or the old FrontPage, either. Plus, the WP plugins are shitting the bed. I might have a virus, or something. Anyway, I’ll try to update at 3 am. I’m not going to get it finished before I leave for work; I’ve wasted two hours on these problems, already. Sorry.
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Yall shoulda seen all the fat fucks I ran into at Publix this morning. I couldn’t believe they were out walking around, some of them, and not being cried over by Richard Simmons. One guy, I swear to god, the fire department must have helped him out of the house.
And for the record, I have a thing for “chubby chicks”. Can’t help it.
I saw “Heart” live not too long ago. I gasped. The lead babe is huge. She looks like a fucking manatee with a black wig on. And to think I used to flog my dolphin to her……
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 12:41 pm
At one time Ann Wilson of Heart was gorgeous. Then I think she discovered the wonders of Hostess and Little Debbie. Sad.
There is a guy on The Biggest Loser this season I swear if they removed the excess skin hanging off him (ewww) he would be about 100 pounds lighter. As it is he has lost a couple hundred pounds and is still a mountain with eyes.
I like to watch it while eating a cuppa two tree cans of Pringles and swigging a 2 liter of Pepsi.
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madz1962 Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 1:45 pm
WHen I see hefty people at the supermarket, I stare into their carts. I can’t help myself. I’m mesmerized by a sea full of processed foods, frozen pizza rolls, assorted bakery bags, cases of Bubba Burgers and cans of ravioli.
You rarely see anything even remotely healthy!
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I see hefty people!!!
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Greg Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Chuck, it’s not too bad at the Belpre Kroger, but go to the Vienna Walmart! Holy Crap!! I think those things hanging over their belts are called toolsheds, and there are a whoooole bunch of them!
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Greg Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Another reason I go to the Belpre Kroger: No buzzcut hicklets!
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Just don’t go to Kroger on a Tuesday…that is Geezer Discount Day. It’s a bad scene, man.
All the Burbs and hicklets can be found at Save-a-Lot around the first of the month.
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Greg Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Actually, I WAS there today. Didn’t see too many geezers. It must have been dialysis Tuesday.
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Greg Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Save-a-Lot. God, I DO have standards.
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:08 am
Some of the biggest tits I ever saw were on a dude from “The Biggest Loser”. Might be the same pig with 100 pounds of excess skin, I don’t know. They were F cups, at least, if not bigger.
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At least it didn’t shit the bed before you had a chance to change the bunker cam.
And I want to thank you for suggesting “Run”. Two nights in a row I’ve had dreams about crazy fuckers chasing me down with chainsaws and axes.
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I just got out of the annual sexual harassment prevention training, for the third time this year. Any way, the guy kept saying things like
“You can’t try to get ahead in your career through sexual harassment”,
and “If you tell someone about being sexually harassed and they blow you off, that’s wrong.” ,
and “…harass…”.
The only reason I wasn’t laughing my ass off is because I am fighting off a sinus infection that limits my atmospheric intake so much that I can hardly breath without becoming out of breath.
I thought, “I can’t be the only 14 year old in this room. Why aren’t people laughing at this shit?”
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wvanva Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:22 pm
We have to have that sexual harassment prevention training at least once a year. Fortunately, ours is on the intranet and we do laugh and discuss amongst ourselves. I don’t think I could sit through the group setting without snickering a few times.
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Jason Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:12 am
I’m being sexually harassed by a pregnant girl in my office. She said something along the lines of, “Now we can go at it without having to worry about getting pregnant.” I tried to calm things down by asking her if she meant that she wanted me to poke her in the ass. Didn’t work. She got down right giddy and said, “I like it in the ass. I love it in the ass!”
So, anyway, I guess I’m going to have to poke her in the ass. Just to shut her up.
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Hefty entertainers? I guess everyone here is way too polite to mention the illustrious Mister Kay, the self-styled “man of size”. Everyone but me, that is.
Jeff, I’m really looking forward to the book. And I’ll second the motions for signed copies on the list, as well as the tour. And congrats!
.
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Ooooohhh… book tour. Which body part should I have him sign?
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Jeff, so I suppose in your conversation about Tati you talked about “The Illusionist”, a film that he wrote early on but which didn’t get made until long after his death. It’s in theaters now, and you should definitely see it – waiting for the DVD would be OK – but you have to have seen at least a few of his classic films to fully appreciate this one. Ebert’s online review has a good deal of info about Tati and the history behind the screenplay as well. Anyway, enjoy!
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