Your Weekend Update, vol. 4

My wife is friends with someone whose parents have a cleaning lady.  The parents were going to be out of town for a few days, and they asked their daughter to come to their house and let the woman in on her scheduled day.

And when she opened the front door of her parents’ house, the cleaning lady shouted, “ARE YOU A JEW??”

The daughter said, “What?  No.  Why?”

“I won’t work for those people,” the woman continued.  “And you look Jewish.  …I’d hate to think I’ve been cleaning the house of Jews for all these years, and didn’t even know it.”

Yeah…  Sometimes people are so idiotic and backward, I think it’s funny.  Then I get accused of endorsing or agreeing with the dipshit who made the original statement.  Are you familiar with this unfortunate phenomenon?

Like that movie Gran Torino…  I thought the thing was laugh-out-loud funny.  Is that wrong?

Our younger son went to Hershey Park last week, on a school field trip.  Hershey Park!  They also go to New York City, and other kick-ass day trips.  We did nothing like that when I was in school.  All we did was the symphony orchestra (zzzzzz…), a bread factory, and some old man who polished rocks.

Except for our senior trip in high school (the one where everybody smuggled hard liquor in shampoo bottles, and we ended up sitting around hotel rooms passing jugs of Pert from person to person…) we had the lamest field trips ever.  Not a Hershey Park or a Bronx Zoo in the bunch.

What about you?  Did you go anywhere cool, when you were in school?  Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

Someone sent me this handy booklet a few days ago.  I thought some of you might benefit from it as well.

Over the weekend I got a severe haircut (2 on the sides, 4 on the top), and made a salad later the same day.  During dinner the older boy said, “Why are their tiny hairs in this thing?” as he pulled something invisible off a chunk of cucumber.

Woops.  Maybe I should’ve wore a doo rag?  It didn’t slow anybody down, though.  I wish that to be noted.

And on Saturday Toney and I went to a Wegmans beer tasting.  They have them quarterly, and they’re usually pretty good.  We’ve discovered some great stuff at those things.  But this one was a turd of the highest order.

I don’t know who picked the beers this time around, but I suspect it might’ve been a 17 year old.  Everything tasted like Budweiser, or worse.  It was swill such as Landshark, Shock Top, Red Stripe, some kind of unremarkable Blue Moon seasonal…  I mean, seriously.  What’s next, Busch Ice?

But I bought a 6-pack of Bell’s Two Hearted Ale on my way out the door, so it wasn’t a complete bust.

On Saturday night Toney and I watched The King’s Speech.  It wasn’t as annoying as I’d feared.  I don’t generally like heartwarming films about people overcoming a disability or affliction.  Various retardations and whatnot…

And when I heard this one was about a stutterer, I instantly wrote it off.  But it wasn’t so bad.  I’m glad I let me guard down for a couple of hours.  It won’t serve me well to make a habit of it, though.  This, I know.  Are there any self-created genres of films you refuse to watch?  We need to know about them.

I’ve been on the phone all morning, dealing with some real life shit…  I need to cut this one a little short.

If you’d like to comment on any of the stuff above, that’ll be cool.  Or you can just tell us about what you did this weekend.  I’m having a series of mini nervous breakdowns… what about you? How’d you spend your downtime, if applicable?

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker
Read Crossroads Road on your Kindle!


  1. Phil Jett says

    My favorite beers are Bud Light, Michelob Light and Yuengling in that order. I’ve tried the fancy beers, in fact last week I was in Cleveland on business and tried four of the Great Lakes Brewing beers.

    They did nothing for me. I’m not a fan of drinking a beer and having the same taste in my mouth that I get when I’m halfway through a sandwich and noticed the bread is moldy.

    • Bill in WV says

      Amen Phil. I do like a few fancy beers, but if I’ve just been mowing grass on an 85 degree day, a cold Bud Light hits the spot. Plus, I’m not gonna shell out $8 or $9 for every six pack I buy, just because somebody is full of themself and believes the price is justifiable.

    • WhiteTrashBarbie says

      Yes, Great Lakes is all the rage here in the Cleve, but I do not care for their beer either. Maybe because I am not from here? There are other, much better, local brews here IMHO.

  2. AngryWhiteGuy says

    Already mentioned I am the only person to refuse to see E.T….check

    Went to same schools as Jeff….correct in saying lame field trips….check.

    OK, I went to Orlando this weekend, childless….just Child Bride and I. Great weekend. Made it a point to not do things run by the Mouse. Ok, except going to Downtown Disnet to go to the AMC theaters. Went to one of those movies with dinner tables, and it was awesome. Not shitty bar food, but actually good food, and no more expensive than Chili’s Bennigan’s, etc, However, had my man card temporarily revoked, because the only movie we could agree on was Bridesmaids. However, it was really funny, and I got this thing for Kristen Wiig.

    Saturday night, went to the Improv Comedy Club. The guy headlining didn’t look funny to me. Name was Joe Torry, and had this smarmy looking black comedian face like “I hate white people”. I told my wife I didn’t think he would be funny, but I wanted to make her happy, since she wanted to laugh, so we came back later and bought the tickets. In line, 20 black people in front of me, 20 behind me.. Got inside, and out of 280 people, we were the only whiteys. Fully expected to be singled out by the comic, but I guess we were in the shadows enough to not be seen due to the bright lights. Funniest comedy show I have ever seen. I guess this guy has been around awhile. Has been in movies and TV and was a primary early member of Def Comedy Jam. Really glad I went.

    Went to International Mall in Tampa on the way back. Wasn’t impressed.

    While in O-Town, went to the Florida Mall. Was impressed with M&M’s world. Only three of them in America.

    Oh yeah, and got it 11 times in three days from the wife. Now back to work.

    • CADude says

      It sounds like instead of R&R, your mini-vacation included I&I.
      Intoxication & Intercourse.

    • Airandee says

      Funny story about being the only white people at an event. A few years back a handful of us white folks went to the Grambling versus Townsend football game. The guy next to us was giving someone on the phone directions to his seat and he said “about the 15 yard line… next to the white people”.


      11 times you say? “a one, a two, a three….” I sometimes make it to 13 or 14 😉

    • clintcurtis says

      My best comedy clob experience was about 20 years ago. First date, with a hottie, and she was raving about this fresh new comedian playing at the club in town. Looking to get laid, and not much else, I took her out for dinner, then to the comedy club.

      We walked into the club, and my date grabbed my arm and said, “Look, there he is!!!!” The comedian looked over at us, abd “WTF< Clint, I haven't seen you in like forever!" He comped pur admission, and sat and talked to me for about an hour before his show. He then devoted most of it to telling the audience about ME. My date was impressed, and I got to spend time with a really funny guy who has made it fairly big. Oh, and I got laid!

  3. Joe T. says

    Glad I missed the Wegmans tasting this time around.

    Our class of 1980 went to Disney World. I remember it being something like $289 roundtrip airfare, hotel, and park tickets back at the time. We started saving in our sophomore year.

  4. Phantom Railfan says

    Lots of Field Trips:
    –Ford Motor Company Rouge Plant, including the steel mill and assembly line.
    –Greenfield Village (had a day of school in an old-timey school house)
    –Post Office (yawn)
    –Police and Fire Stations
    –Art museums and history museums
    –Detroit Race Course (i.e horse racing and betting 101 for kindergarteners; who thought this was a good idea?)
    –Washington D. C. in 7th grade
    –Montreal and Quebec in 9th

    My sister went to Toronto and Niagara Falls in 6th grade, and my Dad was in charge of the safety patrol at his school and every spring would chaperone the “safeties” on a day-long trip to a baseball game at Tiger Stadium…

  5. doctorright says

    Jeff- thanks for sharing that handy booklet.
    I am making the necessary fashion adjustments.
    And I am currently performing a pogo strangle (with a gurgle) on myself.

  6. says

    We watched The King’s Speech on Friday, I downloaded it to my itouch and plugged it into my tv. Like you said, it wasn’t all that bad.

    We had a cool trip when we were Seniors in High School. We took a cruise to the Bahamas. And we were allowed to drink once we hit the water. There was a bunch of jack-assery going on. I was able to bed two girls that I’d been hitting on for years. And I won a couple of hundred bucks in the casino. Good times.

    I’d like to know the secret to making a great salad. For the past few months I’ve been getting salads to go from Olive Garden. So lame. Help me out on how to make a great salad, won’t you?

    • Chuck in Belpre says

      Go get a roasted chicken and slice that up into your salad. Or just eat the whole thing WITH your salad.

      • says

        Sometimes I’ll take a roasted chicken and fill the carcass with salad. By the time I get to the warm and wilted lettuce, I usually pass.

        There’s a salad that my wife makes that has feta and black olives in it. It’s not bad.

  7. Henderson says

    I just peeked out through the blinds all day Saturday waiting for the world to end. Does anyone know if it did?

    • Chuck in Belpre says

      California preacher Howard Camping says his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day actually will come on Oct. 21.

      Dammit…my birfday is October 22. :(

  8. Chuck in Belpre says

    Who would pick Red Stripe for a beer tasting? Did they have Lonestar as well?

    I went to Parkersburg High, one of the largest high schools in WV, and I don’t remember even one field trip being offered.

    I refuse to watch any romantic comedies. Just the thought of it gives me the jibblies. Or anything with Vin Diesel.

  9. madz1962 says

    In 7th grade we went to Philly. The US mint sticks out most in my mind. It was a great trip except the penguins were adamant we wear our uniforms. Wool blazers, wool pleated skirts in May.

    I went to a wine and booze tasting this weekend. AND free eats. If they were going to be my last moments on earth, it was nice to be scarfing a free plate of chicken piccata while swirling a cabernet.

    Romantic Comedies. WILL NOT WATCH. All I need to hear is “Starring Jennifer Aniston” and I’d rather have my toenails smashed with a mallet.

    • Henderson says

      heh, heh, heh…. the penguins. That brings back some suppressed memories.

      • Father Bob says

        Penguins… heh same here. I knocked one up once. Or was that knocked one over. Never mind…

  10. Root 66 says

    I don’t recall having “Senior Trips”, or any trips in high school, for that matter. Of course I went to three different high schools, so I may have been a little out of the loop.

    Who’d want to go anywhere with a bunch of inbred-knuckle-draggin’-mouth-breathers anyway?!

    I REALLY hated high school…can you tell?

  11. says

    Our field trips were to:

    Andersonville, GA Civil War prison site
    St. Augustine, FL
    Cape Canaveral

    I never went. Fug dat.

    I would like to say that I wish I was partying with the gang in the Bunker Cam. Those dudes know how to have a good time!

  12. says

    Last weekend?
    Oh, I just took part in a car accident….I was with my 18 yr old driving and some 16 yr. old girl t-boned us by running a red light.
    The car is toast but we came out of it just a little banged up.
    I’d like to throttle that idiot teen who hit us tho….

    Otherwise it was ice packs on my leg and painkillers down my throat for the balance of the weekend.

  13. says

    My husband is finishing up his eighth and final week of radiation treatments in Baltimore. The mini-nervous breakdowns should be coming to an end, but I feel them lurking. It’s been like whack-a-mole this past week.

    My son’s middle school class gets to go swimming for their year end field trip. His cousin in NC went to the outer banks. sheesh
    My high school didn’t offer school trips except those of us in band lucked out bigtime.

  14. Chuck in Belpre says

    I wonder what the name of the highway is that leads to Hershey Park? I’m just askin’.

  15. Erin says

    We had a field trip in high school to the local theme park (Astroworld). We did Physics experements while on all the different roller coasters. That was pretty cool. Also got to go to the beach for a Marine Biology class field trip in HS.

  16. Good2go says

    I can’t watch the fake documentary style of movie or TV show. I’ve tried to watch Spinal Tap, but have never got through the whole thing. I’ve never sat through an entire episode of The Office, or Trailer Park Boys, either.

      • says

        I got hooked on Trailer Park Boys after my idiot brother-in-law sent me a clip. It’s a good show if you give it a chance. Most episodes can be seen on youtube now.

        The Office is my wife’s deal. But I watch it with her. I think it’s one of those shows that you have to watch for a while before you’ll get into it. You have to know some back story on the characters for it to be more enjoyable.

  17. says

    when i was in jr high i got to go to a field trip to cape cod. It was fanFUCKINGtastic.

    we were supposed to be doing some marine biology project but one of the teachers didn’t make it and two of the parents that came were anti-discipline hippies so…..

    some highlights:

    1-first time smoking up. no place better than a campfire in the middle of the woods. The hippy parents were on the other side of the fire from us…

    2- got my hand on a boob for the first time (under a shirt, but on top of the bra… :( but hey… i was 13!!! ). Also got “stinkyfinger”!!!! which was AWEsome!!!

    3-one of my classmates gave a handyjay to some dude in a back alley. and yes, he got caught.

    4-Our science teacher (the only representative from the school) was outted as a lesbian. Not that we all didn’t know it (i mean come on…. she wasn’t exactly in the closet but she kept it private), but this was in the 90’s and some of the students werem’t as accepting as people seem to be nowadays….

    Also, the year before we went to Canada. For our french class. Because… yaknow.. that makes sense.

    I remember getting frozen in a waterfall and getting my 12 year-old hands on some FINE canadian porn.

    Maybe these things are what has driven me completely mad? who knows.

  18. Henderson says

    Once, in grade school, we went to Bethlehem Steel plant. Forty years later, I still remember the bazillion-ton press shaking the ground and the red hot I-beams whizzing back and forth getting longer and thinner.

    Whooda thunk I’d get one of my coolest life memories from a field trip?

  19. renn says

    Our only class trip was for HS Graduation. We went to the Maine Maritime Academy for a MADD sponsored outing (Project Graduation). Our class president, vp, secretary and treasurer got violently drunk and their parents had to drive down to get them. (It was a 4 hour drive from our hometown.)

    I’m pretty sure they canceled class trips after that.

    I won’t watch anything with LEO DiCaprio in it. This includes Titanic. (I can’t stand him.)

    I also won’t watch American Idol or any other “talent” contest that involves singing. I used to be a bartender; I’ve heard all the crappy Karaoke I care to, thanks.

    • Carla says

      Holy crap they are raising a genderless baby but put the older brother “Jazz” in freaking braided pig tails?? Somebody better call social services on these people. They are scarring their children for life! Full body shudder!!

  20. chill says

    We actually had some pretty cool field trips when I was in school in the 1960s. The one that stands out in my mind was a meat packing plant, where we saw cows being “processed”; this must have been when I was 8 or 9. Other than that we did the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Fraunces Tavern, Teddy Roosevelt’s birthplace, etc. – even went to Philly one time.

    The Weg-Man was probably trying for a “something light for the warm weather” thing, but it sounds like a big fail. A better lineup would have included the likes of Victory Prima Pils and Allagash White.

    Film genres I refuse to watch? Anything based on a video game. Well, unless they made a movie based on “BlackLung the Coal Mining Clown” – that, I’d watch.

  21. hardoxdan says

    I was in Spokane, WA Tuesday through Friday on business. Mowed the lawn on Saturday, it was a foot high and I filled the pick-up with clippings. Drank about 20 beers.

    Took my 05 Caddy for an inspection, it failed. Turns out we need a 3rd brake light replaced. Called the dealer this morning, they want $700 for a replacement. Are they nuts? I will be checking every junk yard from here to Fresno looking for a used one. I may mount a flashlight with red tape over the lens and wire up a remote switch under the brake pedal if I can get away with it.

    WTB: 2005 Cadillac CTS Third Brake Light in working condition.

  22. says

    When I attended grade school in Virginia, my class went on a field trip to a nuclear power plant. My dad wouldn’t sign the permission slip so I had to spend my day in another teacher’s class. I still thank him for that decision because they went to 3 Mile Island.

  23. Tim says

    Angry White Guy, you are not alone. I also refuse to see E.T.

    I remember going to Sunrise. For those of you not familiar with Sunrise, it was a museum and planetarium.

    We would go there every year around Christmas time, to see Christmas Trees from all nations. Absolutely boring.

    I think I remember going to some Ballet or some such nonsense in Charleston. I am not sure if it was the Nutcracker or what. I just remember thinking how much more of this shit is there?

    And I just remember trying to figure out which one was Steve’s sister. I am pretty sure that was 6th grade.

    That is about all I can remember.

    • AngryWhiteGuy says

      Shit, I forgot about Sunrise. That placed sucked.

      I would rather go to one of the many WVa taxidermy places, where they had stuffed dead animals posed and dressed as baseball players.

  24. clintcurtis says

    Hey guess what came in the mail today!!!!! Oh yeah. I haven’t even opened it yet…still standing here in awe of the Jeff-ness! Sweet!
    My class never took a trip. My daughter’s 8th grade class went from Nome, Alaska, to Washington, DC for a week. I pretty much through school did the bread factory, the Carnation dairy…featuring a statue of the cow who evidently holds the record for producing the most milk.

  25. bikerchick says

    The only field trip I remember was to Washington DC. I don’t remember much…I think it was in 6th grade. But I do remember it rained the entire time we were there and made getting around impossible.

    Went camping this past weekend to Austin Lake, OH. It was our 1981 camper’s maiden voyage…for us, at least. We put a double matress on the foldout instead of sleeping on a “seam”. Tons of fluffy pillows. It was more comfy than my bed at home. Full tub/shower, potty for some good poopin. Not exactly roughing it but thats the only way I’ll ever camp. “Dirt McGirt’s Mobile Mansion” was ROCKIN!

  26. says

    The only field trip I can remember taking is one in grade school. We went to a farm (cause seriously, what else is in Northern Maine???). The farmer was a real douchebag and told us all that if we couldn’t milk the cow we’d have to suck the milk out of it’s teats.

    It was udder chaos, let me tell you….

    The boys were all on board but me? Hell no. I remember wanting to kick that crazy bastard right in the gonads. He had huge yellow teeth and a stringy beard and looked like he had a sack of flour in the crotch of his overalls.

    Maybe I can’t remember any other field trips because this one scarred me and I’ve blocked them all out?

    I still can’t suck milk out of a cow teat so I’m guessing that’s it…

  27. Cindy from Oregon says

    The small town I went to high school was WAY out in the boondocks so field trips were not feasible, but every class spent 4 years fundraising for “senior skip”, a weekend at the end of the school year, heavily chaperoned. Every year the tales of debauchery that came back from skip grew larger and larger until it became obvious that it was mandatory to misbehave in a grand manner in order to attain legend status. Being the competitive sort, I decided to do my best.
    Expo ’74 was in Spokane, Washington that year and our advisory committee decided that’s where we would spend our dollars hard-earned from car washes, bake sales, cake walks, and whatever we could skim from running the concession stand at the ball games. We stayed in an old hotel in downtown Spokane on the 2nd floor. There was a bar across the street and myself and my roomies hung out the window until a likely prospect walked by. Engaging him in conversation, we got him to agree to go buy us beer. (The chaperones had bluffed us out by threatening to search suitcases prior to departure so we were unable to smuggle our own. Wish I’d thought about the shampoo bottles.) We tossed down a suitcase with $5 in it and he went somewhere and got the beer (no doubt thinking he was going to score with at least one of us was probably a powerful impetus) and carried the suitcase up to our room. Word spread of our little exploit until we had probably a dozen girls in the room, all getting happily sh*tfaced. It wasn’t hard to keep him running until the bar closed at 2am, but I’m pretty sure he never got laid for his efforts. I’m sure that’s not how he told it, though.
    Anyway the next day I went to Expo (I’ve heard; I had a crashing hangover) and we spent a quiet evening in. Strangely, one or another of the chaperones dropped by a few times that night but we were always engaged in healthy teen-age fun with no contraband in sight.
    To ensure our place as legends, I wrote a poem about our senior skip for English class (along the lines of “Paul Revere’s Ride”) that made it damn clear that yes, we had.
    Ah, memories.

    • clintcurtis says

      That us so cool! I got to spend my military career in Spokane starting in early 1976. Being from Seattle, I hated Spokane…until I finally learned that it is a really cool place. Where in OR are you from? My parents moved out of Seattle and have been sequestered in K Falls for the past 20 years.

  28. rob says

    I remember one field trip where the 9th grade class went to a funeral home and got to see all the tools used to embalm a body. I also remember thinking at the time, who decides what field trips we take? A funeral home? Really? Seemed weird at the time..
    I had a pretty quiet weekend. (my favorite kind) I finished up “Crossroads Road” (which I found very funny and entertaining) and polished off some stray beers that I found way in back in the beer fridge. About 4 Sierra Nevada pale ales & a couple of Shiner Bocks. I guess Yeungling or regular Budweiser are my default beers, but I do try to expand my beer horizons now and again & try something different.

  29. (K)arla says

    Isn’t that Belinda Carslile of the Go-Go’s on the front of the “How to look Punk” manual?