Your Weekend Update, vol. 22

Our yard sale has come and gone, and it was a bit of a disappointment.  We had some decent items this time, at good prices, and had it in our minds that we should make around $300.  You know how you can feel in your bones what the realistic outcome is going to be?  Both Toney and I surveyed our driveway offerings and agreed: three hundred bucks.

But there wasn’t much traffic, and we only made $92 during the day.  We had big neon signs all around the neighborhood, and ran an ad on Craigslist, but it wasn’t exactly a tsunami of people clutching twenty dollar bills.  We were disgusted as we began packing-up the remaining crap, and moving it inside the garage.

“Wotta bust,” I said, while carrying an antique headboard back to storage.

But some weird things happened…  Around 7 pm on Saturday night a couple knocked on our door and asked if we had anything left from the sale.  And they ended up buying $20 worth of stuff.  Then the same thing happened on Sunday afternoon.  Those folks spent another $35.

So, it was still only about half of what we expected.  But it turned out to be a little better than the original tally.  Still… I don’t think it was worth the hassle.  Toney and I (mostly Toney) put some significant effort into that so-called sale.  Oh well.

Since I was already in the basement, rooting around in our junk, I decided to take the plunge and put some of my DVDs on half dotcom.  This represents one of eight or nine identical-sized cartons of discs I received during my first three or four years of living here.  Eventually I’ll list them all, hopefully.

When I was negotiating my new job in Scranton, I was in a great position to bargain.  They’d dragged their feet and were under pressure to have someone onsite immediately.  I knew this, because I had many spies within the company, and used the information to my benefit.

On the day they made the offer, I told them I’d need another $10,000.  I thought they’d maybe meet me halfway, but they said, “Done!”  Then I told them I wanted a copy of every new DVD the company distributes, and again, they said, “Not a problem.”  It was crazy.  I thought about asking for a car allowance, but decided not to push my luck.

So, for the first few years I received boxes of DVDs every two weeks, via UPS.  Most of it was stuff I had no interest in, but it made me feel good, anyway.  I’d NEGOTIATED that shit.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have this agreement in writing, and some bean-counter eventually questioned why I was being sent all those discs.  And it all came crashing down…

In any case, I’m offering them for sale at half dotcom.  Almost all are still shrinkwrapped, in brand new condition.  A few are already out of print.  If any of you guys see anything that interests you, I’m happy to offer a 20% Surf Reporter discount.  Just email me.  And I’ll be putting more up there soon.  I’ve got a metric shitload.

Over the weekend another Twitter hashtag game kicked-up, and I became obsessed for an hour or so.  This one was #smartermovies.  You’re supposed to take existing movie titles, and make them “smarter.”  Here are the ones I posted:

Bend It Like Hawking
George Will Hunting
Being Jonas Salk
The Hills Have an Open Mind
Mississippi Learning
We Are Thurgood Marshall
A Streetcar Named Descartes
The Taking of Pelham 3.14159265
There’s Something About Machiavelli

A waste of time?  Perhaps.  But it was fun, and better than watching another episode of An Obnoxious Bastard Eats Large Sandwiches, or Homosexuals Suggest Throw Pillows, or whatever.

I have more to report from the past few days, but I’m all outta time.  I was five minutes late for work on Sunday, because of the Devil’s Parkway, so I’d better call it a day and hit the road.

What did you guys do this past weekend?  Please tell us about it in the comments.  Also, if you’d like to continue with the #smartermovies ridiculousness, please do so.

I’ll see ya again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer.

59 Responses to “Your Weekend Update, vol. 22”

  1. Life is good.

    [Reply]

  2. In there like swimwear!

    [Reply]

  3. I visited the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green KY. Very nice.

    [Reply]

  4. You need to organize a neighborhood-wide yard sale. All sorts of people show up when they can go to house after house after house!

    [Reply]

  5. In the top ten and I already read the update??

    It’s gonna be a good week!

    Happy Monday, Surfers!

    [Reply]

  6. Dr Zhivagos Without Borders

    [Reply]

    CitizenX Reply:

    Nice!
    Doctors Without Borders is my favorite charity.
    100% goes towards the cause. No overhead.

    That and donorschoose.org

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Citizen…

    We have the same favorite charity. I sometimes call it Doctors With Balls. They take huge risks for humanitarian causes. They save lives that couldn’t be saved in any other way.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Tipsey McChugney Reply:

    I’m happy to see we’re all on the same wavelength with respect to medecins sans frontieres.

    Now I wanna hear what you think about about Omar Sharif…

    [Reply]

  7. I’ll take all those Doctor Who dvds – if we can do them all for one price.

    [Reply]

    Tyrosine Reply:

    Even the Jon Pertwee ones? Eeeeeeww.

    [Reply]

  8. Yard sales have always sucked the life right out of us. I’d rather just take a $50 dollar bill and set it on fire–I’d make more money that way!

    Smart(er) movies:

    The Post-Graduate
    The 39 Steps of Self-Actualization
    Mensa of La Mancha

    Geez! These are harder than I thought…I reckon I’m just a moron!

    [Reply]

  9. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    One question; while reading the description of each DVD for sale, I can understand “watched once” or “still in shrink wrap”, but what’s with the whole “non smoking household” thing?

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    JC, some people have a thing about stuff that has been sitting in a house where smokers live. I think they truly believe that The Blob is going to attach itself to them if they touch the object. I don’t smoke, never have, but it doesn’t really bother me in the slightest.

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    You wouldn’t last 5 minutes here. My place smells like Sir Walter Raleigh’s gameroom. MMMMM…Winstons!

    [Reply]

  10. People often note that when selling stuff these days. That is due to the fact that a lot of people don’t smoke these days, and don’t want stuff that stinks like smoke.

    [Reply]

    JCIII Reply:

    I can understand furniture and clothing, but pretty sure cigarette smoke can’t permeate and saturate hard plastic.

    [Reply]

    Ognir Reply:

    Maybe it is just a standard thing to stick in the description.

    “from an animal sacrifice free home”

    [Reply]

    Tyrosine Reply:

    You’d be wrong about that. I bought some video games off of someone and even after the wrapping came off the cases still smell like smoke.

    [Reply]

  11. The wife and I left the kids behind and spent the weekend in Nashville. Had a great time.

    I’m not sure if I’m doing this right:

    Buttfucking John Malkovich
    Dead Man Wanking
    The Empire Strikes Nutsack
    Fiddler on a Roofie
    Fried Teen Tomatoes
    Brokeback Fountain
    The Legend of Baggar Vance at Kroger
    Mr. Holland’s Anus
    O Brother, Where Art My Cow
    The Preacher’s Slutwife
    Saving Private Ryan the Hawaiian
    The Silence of the Clams
    The Ten Commandments (Don’t Say Shit about beating your wife).
    Willy Wonka Touches Little Kids

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Um, I think you got the wrong hashtag.

    [Reply]

    Tipsey McChugney Reply:

    No, you are doing it perfectly

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    #jasonaddswhateverpervertedthingpopsintohisheadmovietitles

    There now he’s doing it perfectly, twitter is very serious.

    I’m sure you had a good time in Nashville, it is a fun city.

    [Reply]

    Tyrosine Reply:

    Why do I get the feeling that you appear on one or more sex offender registries?

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    Those sex offender registries are bullshit! Most of the blame lies with the little kids for being so damn sexy!

    Nashville was great. We always stay at The Hermitage Hotel and they know us now. We get bath robes, beers, they even have a German newspaper waiting for my wife. We went to lots of bars and met some old friends on Saturday. Good times were had by all.

    [Reply]

  12. Smarthur
    The Socrates Apprentice

    Boy, those movie titles are tough!

    My 3 other sisters and I took my mother out to brunch yesterday. She tossed back 2 Chardonnays (the fuckers were $12 A PIECE) and 1/2 waffle. Picked at a few other things. The bar bill alone was $80. I couldn’t find parking on the street, either so I ran up another $30 in parking. A memorable day which left a nice dent in my wallet.

    Oh we also had ot hoist my mother into a taxicab. He stopped right over a sewer cover and my mother had heels on so she couldn’t step onto the gutter and into the cab. she lookd like a human pretzel trying to bend her swizzle stick legs into the cab (she weighs maybe 98 pounds and stands 5’6).

    [Reply]

  13. Dumb and Less Dumb
    The Transposed Matrix
    Good Technical Fellows
    Yo Yo Ma on the Roof
    The Good, the Bad, and the Gifted

    [Reply]

  14. I hate yard sales with a burning passion. The only thing worse than attending one is having one.

    I spent the weekend engrossed in Fallout 3. I did take a short break and installed some wire shelves that the wife had been complaining about, but then it was right back to the game.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    I’m not a Gamer, but I suspect that if you turn the volume up while playing Fallout 3 you won’t be able to hear/have to listen to all that wifely complaining. Just sayin’…

    [Reply]

    Big Bear in OH Reply:

    I’m playing Fallout New Vegas right now, and it’s ridiculously awesome. /nerd rant off.

    [Reply]

  15. We went to the Washington County Fair. Giddy-up. Talk about hicks and hicklets, mouth breathing slobs that keep reproducing more of the same. String-bean skinny, disgusting guys with huge, dirty women….with hoards of kids. Must be a trend way out in hoopyville. Skinny dudes/fat chicks….smack their ass and ride the wave in. Whatever. Yuck.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    Funny stuff! The laughter makes the pain go away.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Goddamn, I laughed so hard, I farted.

    [Reply]

  16. V for Venn Diagram

    [Reply]

  17. Psychoanalyst
    Smartacus

    [Reply]

  18. American Pi

    [Reply]

  19. Specific Heat

    The 255th Element

    Ordinary Differential Equations

    Last night Maggie Gyllenhall taught me about the female orgasm. That was some sweet fiction.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    I didn’t know what to think, so I Googled it. I still don’t know what to think–she’s much too saucy to be explaining things clinically, but it sure works. http://gothamist.com/2011/08/18/video_maggie_gyllenhaal_walks_you_t.php

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Sometimes I stand in awe and sometimes I just stand.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    And was that fiction or friction?

    jtb

    .
    .
    Fuck, I forgot…”This message comes from a science-free home”.

    [Reply]

  20. The Dr.Who junkie in me is tempted… Got any ‘On The Buses’ in that DVD stash?

    [Reply]

  21. This weekend. Friday pad thai at a place to Wayne Coyne’s new art space (The Womb Gallery), then a walk around downtown OKC.

    Saturday – Argument with the girl over lunch, dinner at chipotle, saved a friends rental car from being towed.

    Sunday – Baby shower, then birthday party, then girlfriend argument. Then leftover chipotle.

    Now, treat receipt at Starbucks.

    [Reply]

  22. I was hoping for some descriptions of your customers Jeff….

    I find there’s nothing like holding a yard sale to bring out the repressed, xenophobic bigot in me. Age makes me a little cynical and crusty.

    I think anything can smell like smoke if it comes out of a smoker’s house. Before they banned smoking in restaurants here, I picked up some donuts for the office. We usually had them on site at the coffee shop but this time I took them and some napkins with me. Outside of the donut shop, I realized just how bad the donuts, the cardboard box and the napkins reeked!!! I could never go there again.

    This past weekend seemed to be devoted to catching up on my sleep. Naps galore. Both with dog and without… ahhhh

    Why do I find this so funny?
    http://bl.net/forwards/mnms.html

    Eat, Pray, Love to do Brain Games
    Transformers 4 – CPU Upgrade edition
    When Harry met Sally at the Mensa convention
    Happy Feet 2 – Sensible Shoes
    The Bourne Graduation
    Low Sodium SALT

    [Reply]

  23. Saturday I cleaned some (not all) gutters, then had to take a wounded pet to the 24/7 vet for stitches. Got done with that around 2 or 3 in the morning. Sunday went out for beers with some friends, then back to their place for dinner. They had some cousins in town from Scotland.

    Movies:

    Stainless Steel Man
    Yeungling’s Crossing
    Doctor Strangesex – woops, that was Jason’s
    .

    [Reply]

    lori in cbus Reply:

    HI Chill ;-)

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Hi Lori! What’s shaking?
    .

    [Reply]

  24. This was, all around, a really good update. Also, it was nice to see Pooping Girl again. Hell, everyone needs a hobby.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  25. Weekend consisted of helping my sister ice down her two sprained ankles.

    Smarter movies:
    Abbot and Costello Meet Socrates
    Stephen King’s The Standardized Test
    Bringing Up Baby Mozart
    The Summer Semester of ’42
    Classroom with a View

    [Reply]

  26. Sorry the yard sale wasn’t all that you had imagined.

    We spent the weekend at a horror convention, hawking our movies for VHSPS.com. Had a cool time, hung out with our vendor friends, made a few bucks, and met a few awesome celebrities: Lance Henrikson, Chris Sarandon, Eddie Furlong, and Joe Turkel (the old guy that played the bartender in “The Shining”). Mr. Turkel was the best — he regaled us with stories about Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford (Turkel was also in “Bladerunner”, one of my all-time favorite movies). Good times…

    I’m off to peruse the half.com link.

    [Reply]

  27. 3.14159 Men And A Baby

    This weekend I hopped a school bus to a different county
    in order to cheer on my dynamo volleyballplayer.

    In the stands I was very conscientious when an elderly lady sat next to me. In case she had a hearing aid I warned her I was a whistler.
    …. I was willing to relocate

    She replied she was a yeller and a clapper.
    We were peas and carrots.

    [Reply]

  28. Jeff. You owe it to yourself to watch ‘The League of Gentlemen’. I think that you might like it, a lot. Its really funny, in a very disturbing way. ‘Cracker’s a pretty decent show too.
    (Sorry I’ve not been in touch for a while.)
    x

    [Reply]

  29. http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/080811/

    [Reply]

  30. Thank God for thewvsr.com, one of my only safe havens. I can be my weird and creepy self here and I appreciate that. You guys wouldn’t believe the shit I catch at Facebook and other places. My mother telling me to stop saying “fuck”, my grandmother telling me to stop posting pictures of my fully erect penis, and the list goes on and on. I mean, when did jokes about rape become taboo? Ridiculous. I love you guys.

    [Reply]

    lori in cbus Reply:

    can i be your friend on facebook? i like pictures hahahaha

    your comments are some of the damn funniest on here..

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    Yeah Lori, just look me up “Jason Yepma”

    [Reply]

  31. We felt the earthquake in SE Ohio! Strongest one I have ever felt.

    [Reply]

    Greg Reply:

    Didn’t feel a thing. When was it?

    [Reply]

    Alex Reply:

    I had just finished downing a very carbonated bottle of Pepsi… I thought it was just a deep down belch shaking my being from within.

    [Reply]

  32. Worst part of yard sales here in Alaska: Selling $1200 worth of stuff in 6 hours, then looking at the stuff that’s still left, and it still looks like the same pile of stuff you started out with.
    Yard sales are the sole provinence of my wife. If it was up to me, all that crap would be loaded into the back of my truck and unloaded at the city dump for $25.00!

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Read the Novel!

Paperback and Kindle

So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

Become a Surf Report VIP!

Join the mailing list and stay up to date on the latest Surf Report shenanigans. Once subscribed, you will also be granted access to occasional super-secret updates the more casual readers will never see.

Sign up today and receive a free gift! More info here.

Name:
Email:

Automatic Updates

There are two easy ways to receive Jeff's updates automatically, as if by voodoo black magic...