Your Weekend Update, vol. 215

Hello Surf Reporters!  I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I’d give mine a solid C-minus, but there’s no need to focus on the negative.  Ahem.

My alarm started its goddamn chirping at 9:30 this morning, and the younger Secret came upstairs around 11:00 to tell me to get up.  “You keep hitting the snooze…  It’s ridiculous,” he said.

So, I’m getting another of my patented Late Starts and don’t really know how good this update’s gonna be.  But I’ll do my best with the time I’ve got.  Be sure to stick around until the end, though, ’cause I have a bit of dramatic news from North (or is it South?) Carolina.  Yowza.

I was just upstairs, to pour myself another cup of Eight O’Clock Bean Coffee, and the younger boy was eating a Hot Pocket.  I told him to be careful with those things, because I was almost struck blind by one at work a couple of weeks ago.  He assured me he’d take all necessary precautions, while rolling his eyes.  And I said, “Hey, I’m serious!  I was THIS CLOSE to having to wear a Phantom of the Opera mask, because of the horrible scarring.”

Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting through to my kids.  I’m lousy with wisdom, and they just don’t seem to appreciate it.  Oh well.

Speaking of wisdom… I’ve started downloading episodes of the old Loveline radio show, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.  I remember when it was simulcast on MTV, but never watched it.  And I was only vaguely aware of the radio show, even though it’s been running for, what, a couple of decades?

Anyway, I was listening to an episode from 2000 at work last night.  And they were talking about a call they’d taken the night before.  A man apparently said he walked into his teenage son’s room one evening, and found him naked on the bed, performing fellatio on himself.  And beside him was some unknown dude in a leather vest, beating off.

Adam said he doesn’t have kids, but if he ever has a son he’s going to carry around a cyanide capsule in his cheek — just in case.  And if he EVER sees something like what the guy described, he’ll just calmly shift it in his mouth, and bite down.

I couldn’t stop laughing.

On Wednesday morning Steve and I are leaving for Cleveland, to see the Reds and Indians play, that same evening. The tickets — for seats located in the all-you-can-eat section(!) — are being provided by a Surf Reporter… But I better not say more.  I’ll have to check with him, to see how much I’m allowed to divulge.

Anyway, it’s going to be fun, and I’m looking forward to it.  If all goes well, we might visit the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame on Thursday morning.  We’ll have to play it by ear.

One thing’s for sure, though…  I’m going to eat a full Babe Ruth ration of free hotdogs that night.  It’s going to require a scientific approach, but I plan to eat right up to the cusp of a blackout, without actually going past the tipping point.  Stay tuned for a full report.

And a few of you were giving me grief about the light blue underwear section of my last update.  Light blue is poofter, you say.  Well, please allow me to address your concerns…

You see, I’m not fancy like you guys apparently are.  I don’t buy underwear a la cart.  I guess you’re visiting upscale underwear emporiums, where individual pairs are hanging on scented hangers?  Is that what I’m to believe here?

No, I get mine at Target — in bales.  They’re combo packs, with various colors inside.  I don’t choose them, I just get what they give me.  And light blue is usually involved.  And they ALWAYS collapse within two or three washings.  That was my point:  light blue behaves differently.

Sheesh.  It never stops.

And finally…  When I got off the platform yesterday morning, Toney was on the phone with Nancy.  They always talk on Sunday mornings, so I didn’t think too much about it.  But I quickly realized this was a different kind of conversation.

I’ll just cut to the chase:  Nostrils was (or is) having an affair with a 20-something subordinate at his job, and Nancy is filing for divorce.  The Eninen era is almost over!  Can you believe it?

I can’t say I’m surprised, but it’s still a bit upsetting.  They have three see-through children, who don’t stand a chance.  And now this?  Both Nancy and Nostrils have a rich history of infidelity, with previous spouses, so it’s no gigantic shock.  But I hate it, nonetheless.

Nostrildamus will now be paying child support for five kids, to two ex-wives, and it’s possible we’ll never see him again.  Weird shit, man.

And how’s that for a bombshell?  I don’t like when families break up, even when they’re as, um, unconventional as theirs.  But whatever.  You make your family bed, and you’ve gotta lie in it.

I need to go now.  I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

UPDATE: Nostrils and Johnny Depp single at the exact same time??  It must be fate!

Now playing in the bunker
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85 Responses to “Your Weekend Update, vol. 215”

  1. Mondays suck.

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  2. No more N&N updates?! Where is my cyanide pill!

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    I ain’t worryin’. There will likely be another cukoo-for-Coco-puffs dude waiting in the wings to fulfill our need for comedic relief.

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  3. Say it ain’t so Joe! N&N era coming to an end…pass the cyanide capsules.

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  4. I’m with you, Jeff. With all of their weirdness, it is sad that tne age of n&n is ending. Of course now, the d-i-v-o-r-c-e is going to be the reason for all future strange behavior from the translucents. I hope Nancy is ok, and her kids will be as fine as they ever were.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    Yeah, that sucks that they are now going to forever blame one dude on all their life problems.

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  5. No wonder Nosie can put up with her so well. He’s porkin’ som hot little grad student under the desk at work. Pfft, taking a nap my ass, he’s poundin’ on the help.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Good work if you can get it.

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  6. I want to find the 20 year old and check her I.Q.

    I bet the day Daddy packs his shit and leavs, the older will be “going red-topurple-to blue” – it’s going to be a colossal rainbow of colors coming off that kid.

    Oh, and Jeff, please go the the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Not for any nostalgic reasons but I can just se the update.. “And the boy, with a Mamma Celeste Deluxe Supreme pizza case of acne was failing miserably in his attempt to emulate the Pete Townsend windmill move in mid-air…” (I’m not even close on the description but I can imagine it in my head!)

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  7. That’s about the saddest news I’ve heard since Jim Tressel resigned at Ohio State. :(
    On the bright side, we still have Sunshine and Mumbles!

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    ron Reply:

    and lots of breakup updates,
    couger nancy on prowl updates.
    coustody updates
    translucent in therepy updates

    never think half empty
    this time all the good shit may have settled down to the
    sludge in bottom of glass

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  8. Macy’s and Dillard’s would be the bottom end of the scale for underwear purchases.

    You can buy them while you’re shopping for the 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. *NOT* 1000 count pima cotton, but *Egyptian* cotton. Why would you let you junk ride around in high-end-underwear comfort all day, then drag around on sandpaper all night? Ick.

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  9. I think I get my underwear at Target or WalMart’s. I’m not sure. I don’t do the buying anymore. But I’ve NEVER seen light blue underwear in those packs. Only black, white, gray.

    I made my kids cry yesterday. But I wasn’t going to put up with just getting shitty drawings for Father’s Day again. I told them that they have a whole year to work it out. They have a whole year to hustle or steal money from their Mother’s purse. And “You’re birthday is coming up. Should I just draw some stuff on a sheet of copier paper for you with some crayons? Didn’t think so.”

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    Alex Reply:

    Light blue was an included color in the bulk packs up here. White, Blue (light), and yellow. Nowadays, its black in place of yellow.

    Alex.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Yellow underwear? Get out! Skid marks would look awesome with a yellow background. I’d feel like Picasso everytime I farted in them, wondering what new work of art I created. ohh…must find yellow underwear…my precious.

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  10. Jeff, I think the authorities can put your kids in foster care if you feed them Hot Pockets. You better be careful.

    http://www.thelunchtray.com/deconstructing-a-hot-pocket-to-teach-kids-about-nutrition/

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  11. I thought you were going to continue on to say, “A 20-something subordinate…guy”,…

    ***and I was able to get your two point citation reduced to a simple rolling of the eyes.. :).

    The hotdog eating elite can eat 60+ in ten minutes. I’m guessing you can easily do 10 in nine innings…if there’s a rain delay I’m guessing 14 if it gets into the bottom of the ninth. Extra innings?…hard to put a number on that one.

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  12. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    Shocking Eninen news. Any chance of a reconciliation? Or maybe Nossy is just tired of the whole *ahem* affair.

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  13. Let’s see…a dozen or so ballpark hot dogs in 90+ degree heat. What can go wrong?

    Does Nostrils work at a fucking kennel? Something isn’t right here.

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  14. Jeff, you do realize that they are going to move in with you. They are already packing.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    At what rate of whipping the hand through the hair does a head just burst into flames?

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    Hair ignites at ~842 degrees F.

    To get to that tempurature through friction, Jeff would have to pass his hand over his hair about 25,000 times a second for 5 seconds.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    Also, I guess this is why there aren’t any short-&-curlies in my cock-&-balls area.

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    Jed Reply:

    Short ‘n curlies. Heh. Cock ‘n balls. Heh heh.

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  15. I’ve been on vacation for a week or so and just got caught up in regards to the underwear…situation…and I have a whole different world you may be interested in. Under Armour underwear – specifically the long boxer briefs. Now I’m sure their ridiculous commercials and high prices per brief on an individual hanger (~$20) have turned you off already, but hear me out. First, it feels like a million little air conditioners on your testicles compared to cotton boxer briefs which greatly reduces the ole swamp ass. Second, zero scrunching and constant rearrangement you get with the cotton. And lastly and most importantly – I bought 2 weeks worth during a pre-Iraq deployment spending spree 5 years ago. I’m still wearing every pair in the lot with zero issues to this day. Join us Jeff….your nether regions will thank you

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  16. Holy crap – I know young girls can be so stupid but what would possess ANY woman to take on the social work involved in coddling Nostril-fucking-damus??!!!! It just staggers the imagination.

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  17. They’re on their way

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  18. Ok…if I had a teenage son I wouldn’t just walk into his room unanounced. However a simple knock wouldn’t have given the kid much time to get his dick out of his mouth and tell Wacking Cowboy Bob to go hide.

    ***and at what age should one consider to quit trying to blow himself. Just asking?….uhhh….for a friend.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    When a man should consider to quit trying to blow himself is not based on age. It’s based on when the man realizes that having his mouth full of cum is no longer appealing.

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    dto Reply:

    Thanks…I’ll let him know.

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  19. “One thing’s for sure, though… I’m going to eat a full Babe Ruth ration of free hotdogs that night.”

    I can see it now, in slo-mo… Jeff thinking, then pointing majestically toward the left-field rest rooms, Ruth-like, calling his shot…

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  20. Whoa, poor children. They were apparently already messed up, but now they’re going to be uber-fucked up.

    He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants for the sake of his childrens future? That does not reflect well on the man.

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  21. Invaluable, easy to remember rule of thumb: Two hot pockets, set your microwave for 3:33

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  22. A day in the life of Nostrils?

    http://io9.com/5919401/one-of-the-earliest-adult-cartoons-was-gonzo-even-by-todays-standards-nsfw

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  23. Go to Sokolowski’s for lunch Thursday, if you’re not in a food coma from the game.

    http://www.sokolowskis.com/lunch.php

    yum

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  24. The ONLY reason a 20-something would want anything to do with Nossy is that he is either packing a huge bulge in his pants or in his wallet…or the promise that he is. And I highly doubt he has either one. So this chick he popped must be a real prize. Wotta complete douche. On the plus side, this can only mean some pretty awesome updates for us. Especially after Nancy and the See-thru’s move in til they “get on their feet” again!

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    Jason Reply:

    Nossy with a huge bulge in his pants. Jesus. Not that it matters to me either way, but what a picture. What a waste. WAIT!!! Nossy’s penis was spotted at one point, wasn’t it? Sticking out of his skin tight underwear? Carrot tipped, as I recall.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Carrot tipped?!?!? UGH. They say carrot juice is very healthy but this is out of the question.

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    Sunshine_in_va Reply:

    Oh gee – thanks for THAT mental image!

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    Jason Reply:

    I think so. I CAN’T be the only one that remembers that. His carrot shaped cock was spotted in Jeff’s kitchen, I think. Somebody help me out with this.

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    Linda Reply:

    I remember that. Sunshine saw it, and described it to Jeff and Toney.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Anyone with the link to that particular update, please post here. I must read!!

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    Jason Reply:

    I’ve been looking and can’t find it. I thought it might be part of the Christmas updates from 2010, but I read all of those and no dice.

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    Limey Reply:

    No diced carrot

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  25. And I do understand the point about a difference in materials…grey tee-shirts always seem to feel looser and ‘softer’ for some reason than a red, black, etc.

    And if the one weird-o kid is still crocheting (or is it needlepoint?) all day, your entire house will be outfitted in custom decorated pillow shams.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    I also find that grey t-shirts are better than others. The blue and green ones end up getting stiffer and smaller as time goes by, while the grey ones stay soft and pliable.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Grey t-shirts followed by white ones in the softness category!

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  26. Wow! N & N getting a divorce? So much for the sanctimoniousness of marriage. And they seemed like the perfect couple, too. I just don’t know what to believe in anymore.

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  27. Right now I’m reliving the phone call Liam Neeson had in the movie Taken. . There is a fly buzzing around in my home office. If he stops buzzing, I will leave him alone. But if he doesn’t, I will look for him. And I will find him. And I will kill him.

    The whole N&N thing just drives me nuts. It’s the lying to themselves coupled with cluelessness and entitlement that makes me want to go all bath salts on them.

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    Seanette Reply:

    Problem with that idea is you’d also wind up with food poisoning.

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  28. There is so much more than hot dogs on the Club Seats Menu -I forsee a food coma in your future. Make sure to wear a Smoking Fish shirt so we can say hello if we spot you.

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    CADude Reply:

    “Fans will have an all-you-can-eat option in select Upper Deck locations once again in 2012 featuring hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soft drinks for only $32.”

    Eschew the soft drinks in favor of beer, and you’ve got yourself a regular culinary cornucopia of stadium-food delights.

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  29. That sucks about the divorce but they all seem pretty self destructive so it was probably inevitable. I’m loving the reds right now. I’m waiting to here about a job in san Antone.
    and I heard adam c talking about that same thing on his podcast or on the Marc maron show once. Just bite down and its over.

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    The Qweezy Mark Reply:

    I’m loving the reds, too. Also some cross tops and blow!

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    …and a doobie or two.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    “Ah, man, the Doobie Brothers broke up!”

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    CADude Reply:

    Fret not, jtb. Just head South several hundred miles, down into the People’s Republic of Northern California, and you’ll be able to enjoy the musical stylings of Messrs. Johnston and Simmons at the winery owned by their longtime manager, Bruce Cohn. Mr. McDonald has been known to make an appearance at the same venue:

    “Once again, the Doobie Brothers will be headlining the BR Cohn Charity Fall Music Festival this year in Glen Ellen, California on October 6 and 7.”

    -Dude

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  30. I know Nossy has at least one redeeming quality although I’ve never heard it mentioned here nor can I imagine what it might be. So I’m guessing the chick is boning just about anybody…(nothing wrong with that)…but I fear he may end up in the, “Home for the Syphiliticly Insane”, before Jeff writes his last chapter on this.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    dto…

    Sometimes, like here, you shpecken da poetry.

    jtb

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  31. God Damn it! First it was Sonny & Cher, then Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, and now Nancy & Nostrils! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN ANYMORE!

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    The hell you say. Britney broke up? Maybe I’ll have a go at that Fenderline dude.

    jtb

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  32. I was thinking…any level headed guy would be able get away with banging a 20-something at work and it not come to all of this. This guy really is a douche.

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    CADude Reply:

    Not to mention the sexual harassment lawsuit.

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  33. I’m always interested in how the person porkin’ another player what caught be their primary partner.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    For the unlearned “what caught be” is South Georgia Redneck for “was caught by.”

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    CADude Reply:

    TW and I were watching some mindless TV drivel that involved a husband hooked up to a lie detector who was asked, “If you could have a one-night affair with a sexy, attractive young female, and nobody would EVER find out about it, would you?” TW looked at me with a “well?” look, and I simply responded “when?”

    Since that time TW gets pissed at me whenever I answer a question with “when?” Come to think of it, she usually gets pissed at me whatever answer I give, but especially if I ask “when?”

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    dto Reply:

    Ya know CADude…Me and Bev sittin’ there watching there…I would have said…”Well yeah. Duh!?” Probably blurt it out. and ask for a high five. She already knows my list of who I wanna play, “Hide the Weenie”,’ with so there’s no sense being coy about the deal. Whether or not I ever get the chance to turn down Charlize Theron just because I’m married would be a dilemma I welcome. And Patricia Clarkson too….and………awwww…never mind.

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  34. wooho ya, hall of fame! Don’t get me wrong, football is great and all, but every God damn fucking statue, club, street, building, event, and award in this county is named after that fucker. I have to see it everyday and I just want to drop a white shinny turd on the whole county. Living 15 minutes away you’d think maybe someday I’ll go see it.

    Sheesh.

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  35. After upteen years of full, lush carpet, Nostrils went looking for some fresh cut hard wood? Is it ever going to cost him! Apparently, Nancy’s beliefs don’t extend to free love.

    I feel genuinely bad for the kids. The silver lining might be that N&N get them to therapy in anticipation of the big D. Therapy could help the translucents. If not, at least the authorities can be informed before it’s too late…

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  36. I invision Jeff and Steve on the Pennsylvaina Turnpike somewhere around Milton, headed for Cleveland in search of their America Dream…(at the moment)…a Reds vs. Indians game, unlimited food and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The city of Cleveland has no idea that no more than 350 miles outside their city gates, two completely corrupt individuals lacking moral conscienceness and the ability to make judjemental decisions on their own behalf at any given moment… are headed their way. By the time they get to Youngstown they have already run out of their stash of water balloons and used up their supply of, “Flaiming Dog Shit” bags, now littering the highway while they’re laughing their asses off. Man…I miss a good old fashioned road trip.

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  37. Jeff, have you heard the episode of Loveline where Fletcher from the band Pennywise barricades himself, Drew, and Adam in the studio while he attempts to puke on them? I’m from SoCal and heard that 6/7/99 episode live…the mics stayed on while the chaos ensued, and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

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  38. Box scores…Cleveland 5
    …………………..Reds……….0…bottom of the 4th.

    Follow it here……..http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2012_06_20_cinmlb_clemlb_1&mode=gameday

    I have no way of knowing his food consumption at this point so I’m of little help there,

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  39. …and the Reds get swept hard by the Indians tonight, final is 8-1 Cleveland… I’d really like to know the Jeff Kay box score though.

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  40. While we wait to hear the hot dog count… I know we all love a good haiku… especially when written by someone whilst high..

    http://imgur.com/a/Sq0LM

    The unfortunate young guy apparently passed away at an early age from drug abuse but his poetry lives on.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    sorry… NSFW… forgot to mention…

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  41. Here’s my guess….2 hot dogs…with bacon and kraut.
    ………………………….1 Philly Cheese Stake
    ………………………….2 slices of pizza
    ………………………….1 Nachos
    ………………………….1 Giant pretzel with hot mustard
    ………………………….1 bag of peanuts
    ………………………….3 scoops of Moose Tracks ice cream.
    ………………………….0 Piclkes

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Sounds good and I’ll go out on a limb – if beer wasn’t included, he may have washed it all down with 2 liters of Mountain Dew.

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  42. Does anyone know – Jeff mentioned that nancy had 3 children – are they all fathered by Nostrils? Or from a former spouse?

    Just wondering.

    Sad for the kids

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    Unfortunately, all three were fathered by the panty waste.

    [Reply]

  43. This is an interesting quote from Jeff’s update on December 12, 2011:

    “Finally, on Sunday Nancy said she finds it “disturbing” and “weird” that Toney doesn’t know more people who are having affairs, or going through a divorce because of fidelity issues. She said it’s a standard situation amongst her colleagues, and doesn’t understand why it would be any different with Toney’s acquaintances.

    Toney was incredulous: “weird??” But Nancy eventually arrived at the conclusion that this area must be full of religious fanatics, and various low-brow kooks. And do you see why my wife occasionally tells her sister not to call anymore?”

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  44. Hmm, that is an interesting find.

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  45. So…is a one time thing just a ‘fling’ and more than twice is an affair? You know…just in case the subject ever comes up around my place. What are the peramaters I can work within?

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    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    You have to sire a child for it to be considered an affair. That’s what I go by. All others are just “friends”.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Ok dto…here’s my take on the difference between the two:

    “Fling” = just a sex.
    “Affair” = sex + love.

    Either one shouldn’t be tolerated if in a committed relationship, married or not. So…there you go… I’ll step off my soapbox now. :D

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Ok bikerchick…I know the new update is…well…up but I just got back from 400 miles worth of errands and just wanted to let you know…when in find myself in heavy traffic, I tend to drive like I’m stoned. I always stop pretty short of the line, which raises suspicions…especially when the light is green.

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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