Your Pre-Thanksgiving Topic Dump, vol. 11
My parents are on their way up here for Thanksgiving, and we’re still scrambling, trying to get everything ready. Toney left me an email to-do list, and three items remain. So, this one is probably gonna be brief…
That’s right, at this point in our lives we communicate mostly through Gmail and text messages. It’s bizarre. Sometimes I feel like Plankton, talking with his computer wife, Karen. I’m sure I’ll recognize the real Toney at the dinner table tomorrow, but it’s been a while since we’ve met.
From the That’s My Boy desk: The older hooligan was telling me (via telephone, of course) that one of his teachers, a “hippie” according to him, told everyone to invent a new national holiday, and write a report on it. And since this woman is apparently a vegetarian, he came up with Meat Day.
In his report he talked about having a tree decorated with meatballs and sausage links, and hanging raw meat from the fireplace, and things along those lines. And sure, it’s funny, but it also illustrates why he spends so much time in detention. I don’t know where he gets such inclinations… I really don’t.
But let’s help him out with his little project. What do you say? What else could people do to celebrate Meat Day? Hide Cornish game hens around the property, and let kids go around with a basket hunting for them? Dress up like your favorite cut of meat, and go door to door asking for cutlets? If you have any ideas, please tell us about it in the comments.
And after the latest setback with my novel, I was upset and briefly considered just saying fukkit, having a professional cover designed, and making the thing available in the Kindle store for three bucks or whatever. It’s something I might still do, but not until every traditional publisher has passed on it first. I’m stubborn that way.
During my little “episode” I did a lot of online reading about people who have had success selling their books through Kindle, and self-publishing in general. And I came across this little gem, which shows why self-published works aren’t generally taken seriously. It’s the first page of a novel I’d love to finish reading. Great stuff!
As of this writing, the entire Circus of Kookery is still scheduled to descend on the Surf Report Compound for Christmas. It’s supposed to be Nancy, Nostrils, the translucents, their hammerhead snapper-dog, Sunshine, Mumbles, and Toney’s brother.
I believe train (Sunshine and Mumbles) and airplane (Toney’s brother) tickets have already been purchased, so it’s starting to look like it might actually happen. I’m excited! Oh, it’ll drive me up the freaking wall while it’s happening, but just think about all the secret updates…
Stay tuned for further developments.
I probably won’t be able to post anything on Friday, so this might be it for a while. I hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving if you’re in the U.S., and a fantastic weekend if you’re not.
And since so-called Black Friday is fast approaching, I’d like to remind everyone to PLEASE use our Amazon links while doing your holiday shopping. On Black Friday, or any other day. It costs you nothing extra, and helps support the goofiness.
Also, I’m gonna leave you with a Question concerning gifts you’ve received, but never — or rarely — used. Do you have any kitchen gadgets in your cabinets, which have never been out of the box? Or maybe just once?
We had a bread maker years ago that seemed like a good idea in the abstract, but was almost never used in the real world. Do you have anything like that around your house? Please tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you guys next time, whenever that happens to be.
Pass the beer nuts!
Filed under: Daily
First??
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???
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Not Oprah Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Ha – that would be Not Oprah to you.
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What about clothes made out of meat? A hula skirt made out of bacon, chicken (or turkey) breast bra, etc. And if you’re the princess type, a crown rack of lamb for a tiara.
Four or five Christmases ago, I got one of those Jack LaLanne power juicers that looks awesome on the infomercial but is a pain in the ass to actually use. I think I’ve made juice four or five times since having it (like, once a year). And I bought my dad an ice cream maker attachment for his KitchenAid mixer that he’s used exactly once.
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Meat Day – I think the collecting of road kill would be mandatory.
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Wow, what a horrible fundamental misunderstanding of the rules of CApItALIzaTion.
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Must. Know. The. Name. Of. That. Book.
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Matt in Florence Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
I believe the book is called
Moon People by Dale M. Courtney
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Matt in Florence Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
more info here:
http://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=49194
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
And it is only $17! A steal at twice the price!!1
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Kevindust Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
I know you will enjoy it because its action pact from the beginning to the end.
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hot fuzz Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Now I find his style really anoying the way he rights things.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
the Traveling Circus of Kookery for Christmas, not Thanksgiving. I got my Holiday schedule all messed up.
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The “little gem” was obviously written by our local CBS affililiate’s news director/copy editor–starts every other sentence with NOW and drives me frickin’ insane.
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You’ve got to try a haggis pinata….Make more than one ’cause once those kids get goin’ it’s crazy.
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I seem to be a mite chatty today.
I have a breadmaker that I used one time–somewhere around 1994. My family jokingly refers to it as the day “the fish died, the bread didn’t rise, the TV fried and mama cried” day. Wasn’t so funny that day, as I recall. Especially my fancy-assed (for back then) Panasonic TV and my precious fish.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
I was kind of hoping you would say something else about fuck me shoes.
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My favorite holiday: Kilted Yak Shaving Day!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC3ieK2c5Jw
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Ribeye toss?
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For the meat loving terrorist one could make a Chicken Time Bomb (or Bombs if you’re feeling particularly festive).
There should also be “Catapulting of the Meat”
Subjecting militant vegetarians / vegans to a “meat storm” in which ground meat is sprayed like rain. Kinda like that scene in PCU when they shower the anti-meat protesters with ground beef.
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“The Meatster Bunny”
Let your imagination run with that one.
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Sam in Akron Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
and something with bacon, like a dreidel
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Unsupervised tours of meat processing plants?
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The reviews on Amazon for “Moon People” are awesome…
http://www.amazon.com/Moon-People-Dale-M-Courtney/dp/1436372135/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290628374&sr=8-1
Joe
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hot fuzz Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Too funny
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Valentin Reply:
November 25th, 2010 at 9:18 am
What a bunch of fucktards. I’m wondering if the positive reviews on that pile of garbage are actually posted by the author. Anyone who read the first page, let alone the whole book, and enjoyed it needs to have their reproductive organs taken out.
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Merry Meatmas. Complete with meat stockings and little weiner Christmas tree ornaments.
My boyfriends mother gave him a snow cone maker. The ice “shavings” are so big you might as well just lick an ice cube.
I have an elaborate food processor. Used it once. But it’s pain in the puss to put it together, then take it apart and clean. Shit…by the time all that’s done, I can chop whatever it is with a butcher knife in no time.
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How about a bologna toss. It is fun to throw slices of bologna.
And a scrapple dance around the summer sausage log. Hmmmm.
We had a breadmaker, but it only got trotted out to make challah dough (?!?), so off to the Salvation Army it went.
Happy Thanksgiving, all!
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Now in the middle of Summer, you might consider attaching some frankfurters to some nice bottle rockets and celebrate our country’s originating fathers in style. With a side of meat-slaw. At this time.
As for my kitchen: I hardly ever use my Springsteenator any more.
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On Meat Day, one typically would open the beef curtains and hide the sausage. Having some Sweater Meat on hand makes it more enjoyable.
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Kevindust Reply:
November 25th, 2010 at 10:14 am
I’m with required…now THAT is a holiday that I could get into.
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I like the way that hooligan thinks.
No non-meat products available for sale. anywhere.
No non-meat products on the school menu.
Taunt the vegan.
Force feed meat sauce to the vegan.
Slaughtering demonstrations on actual meat in school, with hands on activities for all hooligans. Things to include are the basic skinning, prepping, and butchering process. A twist on the disect a pig in biology class, but you get to eat your experiment afterward.
Sausage casings: intestine vs synthetic
BBQ for lunch.
For the adult crowd, hide the salami happy hour could be interesting.
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Is the next book going to be: Cheryls Place, the place that Gets shuttered because there ain’t no more sHuttle Lunches…
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Meat-a-Palooza concert with Meatloaf, Meat Puppets, Super Meat Boy and The Meat Sluts..
I received a sandwich maker that I used once. It was a super-cheapie and didn’t even make a decent grilled cheese. I have no idea where it is now.
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The Evil Twin Reply:
November 24th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Don’t forget Meat Beat Manifesto and The Meatmen!!!
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Meathole (a meatier version of Cornhole, in some instances).
I use my bread machine fairly regularly, mainly for making pizza dough. I once had a potato masher that only ever collected dust. And a juicer I used once after figuring out that it takes roughly an entire orange tree to produce a 6 oz. glass of orange juice. Fuck that shit.
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To steal a phrase from one of the girls here, on Meat Day I think we should get drunk and bone.
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Competitive bobbing for chicken cutlets in huge vats of BBQ sauce.
Ground round sculptures, like the butter cow at the Ohio State Fair.
Casino games featuring a roulette wheel using frozen meatballs.
Finger painting using only A-1 or Worcestershire sauce.
Tons and tons of msg.
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Hmmm, Sounds like he’s a chip off the old block.
These suggestions from my daughter.
Bobbing for sausage links, only to be played by the girls.
Fling the filets (like a discus)
Turkey carving contest
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Pin the tail on the donkey. You take a donkey and remove his tail with a hack saw. Then you give a bunch of kids mock tails, nails, and a hammer. Whoever nails the “tail” nearest the correct spot gets to eat the beast’s brain when it finally succombs to blood loss.
Also, you have to be good all year and you’ll get a suitcase full of meat left at your door. Otherwise, the meat beast drags you away to hell.
I have a food dehydrater (takes a succulent piece of fruit and dries it into a tiny, crunchy mess. Yes, I’ll take two), a fucking George Foreman grill, and a juicer that I never use. We sometimes use the Foreman grill to make sandwiches, but it’s a drag. Ron Popiel, rot in hell.
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Ian the Errolite Reply:
November 25th, 2010 at 5:22 am
You sir, are a talented and creative individual!
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Plastic cattle on the front lawn.
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The Evil Twin has designed several book covers…..
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Oh, this is good:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40359277/ns/local_news-winstonsalem_nc/
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Ian the Errolite Reply:
November 25th, 2010 at 5:20 am
That’s pretty wild!
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Number One unused gift would eb the silver champagne bucket. I’ll save the Meat Question for the long, dry weekend.
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“Be” of course, not “eb”. Need to learn “proofreading”. And get some “sleep”.
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The first time I ever heard of a meat dress:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/arts/meatdress.asp
Maybe Lady GaGa heard of it, too.
Happy Turkey Day, Amerikanners.
And Pats by 19 1/2 over Detroit…
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Cabinets full of unused appliances: carving sets, paninni machine, mandolines (veg slicers), deep fryers, apple peeler, stuff in the basement I can’t even remember. All we need is a standard kitchen set of pots and pans, and a few knives. Not all the junk.
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A shrine to Lady Gaga on meat day seems appropriate.
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For MEAT DAY there’s got to be a Mr. Meat pageant , swimsuit competition a must ! Thongs encouraged. No hairy backs allowed. Paybacks are a bitch guys.
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WORST gift ever was a Ronco Chicken Rotisserie. Not a bad idea, but when it takes you an hour to assemble it, 5 hours to cook the chicken, then 3 hours to clean it? Heck, so much easier to kick out a buck or two extra and just but the thing from the grocery store deli!
However, my bread machine is one of the very, very few new fangled time saving devices that I cannot do without. My family and I have gone through three of them in the past 16 years we’ve lived in Alaska. Yeah, half a buck orth of ingredients and a few hours time, versus $5.00 for a loaf of the cheapest bread may have a bit to do with iy. But I gotta tll you, when my youngest daughte woke up for school this morning and melled the loaf of homemade cinnamon bread I had just baked…the look in her eyes was worth the work I put into it.
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I have a Breville toastie machine that is only useful for making sandwiches that are palate blisteringly hot.
Tomatoes comes out at a ridiculous temperature, ‘as hot as the surface of Venus’, my son says. Its in a plastic bag somewhere and comes out every few years until someone burns their mouth, and it is discarded yet again.
‘Happy Meat Day!’
Is it time to play ‘Hide the Sausage’ yet?
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Ian the Errolite Reply:
November 25th, 2010 at 5:24 am
sorry Required- missed your post.
We could play Hide the Haggis instead?
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I remember when the Secrets hardly existed (for purposes of this journal). Now they are coming up with the QODs, and good ones at that. Tempus fugit.
A Happy Thanksgiving to you and the family, Jeff, and to all the Reporters. Hope the day is joyful for all.
jtb
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Gretchen…
I have located your “sugar cube” avatar, and now realize why you continue to hold onto it…
jtb
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_the_Love_of_God
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Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Surfers. Enjoy!
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Meatday will go global and be celebrated differently in different places. The temple monkeys of Tibet will be open to wide spread slaughter for one day. The monks will have one day to kill the annoying little fucks. The monks hate the bastards…they just can’t discuss it each other. They will feed on the days kill while the thousand or so remaining monkeys watch with behavior changing curiosity.
In India, where the term, “Holy Shit” originated, the scared cow is not so special for one day. The blessed bovine will soon learn it’s intrusive behavior cannot be tolerated. Wandering around as they please, shitting in the streets and shops and houses will finally be met with a butchering of the young and old alike. The killing will begin at midnight and continue through the day culminating into fire pits, spits and grills providing feasts throughout the country. While the bodies are cooked, the smoke rises to the heavens. The cows are eaten to become part of the spirit of man and the ashes will be washed away by the monsoons to flow into the Ganges where it will baptize those who enter the water as it travels to the worlds oceans.
Eskimos will forgo their tradition of taking the elderly out to the wilderness and leave them to face a dignified death. The elderly will be eaten instead to give wisdom to those who consume grandma and grandpa.
In Spain, the bulls wins and the matadors are killed and eaten. In Texas…rodeo clowns are ceremoniously gored and left for dead. They will not be eaten because they taste funny.
In Italy, the lights will be left on for 24 hours in all veal enclosures. In Japan, Kobe beef cattle will endure 24 hours of constant verbal abuse.
As the holiday evolves it will take on several forms throughout the planet.
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 12:06 am
That was great!
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Today is actually my birthday (the 25th). In celebration, I let the whole country take the day off. They appreciated it.
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Son of Sam Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 12:30 am
happy birfday Greg!!
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 1:06 am
Thanks! I appreciate it!
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Happy Birthday Greg! Thanks for the day off. But now I wish I had a stomach pump.
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 1:08 am
I’ll have maintanence send one out.
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Happy Birthday Greg! My company didn’t get the memo.
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Damn! Old datebase! We’ll update by Dec. 25th. I plan on giving everyone the 25th off, too!
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This year at halftime at the Super Bowl…wait for it…
Black-eyed Peas!!1
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Oh…and Happy Birfday, Greg. Boobies and beer…and turkey.
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 1:57 am
Two outta three ain’t bad! And thanks for the greeting. I appreciate it!
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Given that the University of Texas Marching Band featuring Judy Mallett (Miss Texas 1973) on fiddle provided the entertainment for Superbowl 8, the Black-eyed Peas make perfect sense for the next Superbowl.
Given that Up With People provided the entertainment for Superbowls 10, 14, 16 and 20, the Black-eyed Peas make perfect sense for the next Superbowl.
Given that the Los Angeles Super Drill Team provided the entertainment for Superbowl 17, the Black-eyed Peas make perfect sense for the next Superbowl.
Last year we had the Who.
I think the NFL should decide which league they want to play in.
jtb
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Greg…Happy Birthday, brutha. Sorry you missed out on the third.
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Not a problem, jtb. I can always eat turkey tomorrow! LOL !!
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I’m not a fan of Facebook for all the obvious reasons. And every once in a while I wonder why I feel so at home at the WVSR. But what the hell…I figure if Ibraham Mogambo likes this site, it must have something going for it. Facebook: give me a fuckin’ break.
I’m just sayin’.
jtb
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Gretchen Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 11:59 am
But were it not for Facebook, I would never have seen the awesome tofu turkey a “friend” made for her Thanksgiving! HURL! It looked more like a poorly rendered portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt than a turkey and I had great fun disseminating it to real friends yesterday, when I wasn’t having my gag reflex excited by it.
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Happy Birthday, Greg.
I got a rainbow colored headbad from my grandma – in 1998. My sister got a belt with a glued on, upside down peace sign. Grandma is, um, eccentric.
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
We call that an ischemic stroke! An MRI will confirm. LOL !!
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Forgot to thank you for your nice greeting. I sure know where my friends are!
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headband (not bad)
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Happy birthday, Greg!
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Greg Reply:
November 26th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Thanks! I appreciate it! And what a belated present that the WVU Mounties are totally embarassing Pitt! Right now, 35-10 with 4 minutes left. I think we’ve sewn this one up!
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Happy Birthday Greg, from the nation of Scotland!
I’ve put a candle in a haggis in your honour, as tradition demands!
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Thanks, ITE! Could you kind of form that haggis so it looks like a cake? I knew you could!
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And the Mounties are victorious over Pitt, 35-10, final!
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Gretchen…
Glad to see you’re in a subjunctive mood. I’ll stipulate that viewing bean curd in the shape of Mrs. Roosevelt is worth sharing my intimate soul with 500 million people. Barely. I was wondering where all this fake intimacy (social networking) was leading, and I think you’ve discovered the ultimate app.
I just refuse to join any club in which “friend” is a verb.
But I recognize that I am the less for not seeing the tofu turkey.
best…
jtb
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Sure, you take the weekend off, I take the weekend off; but Cecil Adams rarely sleeps. While we chomp turkey sandwiches and swill beer, Cecil dedicates his every day to the expansion of knowledge. There are things we need to know…
jtb
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2969/is-semen-an-antidepressant
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chill Reply:
November 27th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Unca Cece is the hardest-working man in alternative-weekly syndication. You have done us all a great service by reminding us of that fact.
.
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I couldn’t read that self-published book. I’m an editor and the poor grammar would drive me batty. I’d spend more time correcting the capitalization and rewriting sentences than comprehending what was written.
Jeff, if you go the route of self-publishing, please have someone proofread your work for grammar. I’d be happy to volunteer!
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