Your Middle o’ the Week Topic Dump, vol. 32
My spring hay fever is kicking up, right on cue. At the beginning of the season a lot of people start sneezing and hocking and snotting, but I’m perfectly fine. Then, about two weeks later, after the rest of the world has settled down, I get going.
It’s no fun, but it’ll only last for half a month or so. By late May it’ll be smoove sailing again.
Everybody always asks if I’m taking anything for it, and that’s completely predictable, as well. No, I don’t pop pills because of every tiny change in my life. I see people at work, who are younger than me and seemingly healthy, bust out a goddamn section of Revco racking full of prescription pills on their lunch breaks. And what the hell, man? I don’t even take aspirin. Whatever.
Speaking of aspirin, Toney took our oldest son to the middle school this past weekend, and let him drive her car around the parking lot. He just turned fifteen. The thought of him driving a car freaks me out a little. It feels like he’s still a little kid, even though he’s 6 foot 1.
Toney told me she’d take care of showing him how to drive, because I don’t have the “patience” for it. Ha! I’m deeply offended. Why would you not take advantage of unlimited access to the best driver on the road? And I was born to mentor. Everybody knows this. Of course, I can’t put up with any nonsense… Or people making decisions that differ, even slightly, with my opinions. But still.
I’ll show him how to properly merge onto an interstate highway, for instance. That’s a rare lesson in these parts, I know. People up here, and nowhere else I’ve ever lived, think you’re supposed to drive out to the end of the entrance ramp, stop, and turn on your blinker. Then, when there’s an opening, enter the flow of traffic at five mph. It’s douchetastic!
And I’ll teach him how to never back into a parking space and look like an asshole. Or hang anything off his rearview mirror, or be seduced by bumper stickers, decals, or any novelty adornments, such as stuffed animals with suction-cups on their feet.
And, most importantly, I’ll tell him how it’s best to EXPECT idiocy from your fellow drivers at all times, and consider it a bonus when no mind-bogglingly stupid shit happens.
Heck, I should start a new business, I really should. I could do some good in this world. Smoking Fish Driving School: Making the Roads Safer and Less Infuriating, One Shiny Zitster at a Time.
Have you ever been to a fortune teller, or palm reader, or anything of the sort? My only encounter was with a man at Venice Beach in California many years ago, who told me I’d be starting a second family during my forties. I didn’t care for that “reading,” and kept it to myself. I don’t think I ever told Toney about it, for obvious reasons.
Right now a lot of people I know are going to see a so-called medium, who is supposedly scary-accurate. She charges twenty bucks per sitting, and everybody raves about her. Some folks have encouraged me to give it a shot, but I have little interest. I think it’s almost 100% horseshit, for one thing. Plus, that guy at Venice Beach kinda messed with my head. So, no thank you.
But what about you? Have you sat through a reading by any of these folks? What happened? Did any forks come flying out the kitchen, or anything? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
And since I was talking about pills, do you take any herbal supplements, or anything of the sort? Don’t tell us about your prescription meds, ‘cause that’s private. But do you take anything from GNC, or whatever? Is it helpful? Sometimes I hear guests on the George Noory radio show who swear by some obscure herb, and I get mildly interested. Until I turn off the radio, anyway.
Also, if you have any good “learning to drive” tales to tell, we’d like to hear those as well.
This is going to be my last update of the week, my friends. I’m going to be turning over my life to the signed books for the next couple of days, and hope to have all of ‘em in the mail by Saturday morning. So, I’ll see you guys again on Sunday or Monday.
Have a great weekend!
Now playing in the bunker
Read Jeff’s new novel, Crossroads Road
Filed under: Daily
WTF!
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I take two Costo “Formula Forte” (multi-vitamin and multi-mineral) horse pills every day. I’m going on three years without a cold or flu.
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CADude Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Ergo your moniker…
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Long time ago a company I worked for had a fair type thing and had a palm reader there. She looked at my hand and asked if my wife and I (i didnt have wedding ring on) were expecting our first child. We were, and at that point hadn’t told anyone at the office or anywhere else. Another guy I worked with was told that someone at the office was stabbing him in the back and that he wouldn’t be with the company very much longer, he was gone within 2 weeks. I never really beiieved in that shit but Madam Zelda (i think that was her name) was pretty freaky.
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I’ve never been to a fortune teller but I did have a woman I wanted to rent an apartment from tell me I was a Libra within 2 minutes of meeting me. That blew my mind a bit. How did she know? Anyway I did rent the apartment and she and her husband turned out to be the best landlord I ever had.
I don’t like to take pills of any kind. I know people who take 15 or more pills a day for various ailments real or imagined. WTF? I can’t see it. I will take a couple Aleve when my lower back goes out although they don’t really seem to do much good.
I took drivers ed back in high school. One big ol’ farmboy was in our car and he ran 37 stop signs in one day. And then proceeded to drive 35 mph down interstate 77. I thought that class would never end.
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Never done a palm reading/psychich because I’m a little scared by what they might tell me – don’t really want to know if my life line indicates I should have kicked the funeral pail years ago, for example. Keeping my head firmly in the sand has kept me going for this long, I figure it should see me well into my 80′s if luck holds.
Re: supplements – no. An 81-mg aspirin a day and the occasional vitamin is about it. However, as older age is causing the BP to creep upward,m I’m wondering what ‘naturopathic’ might help with that so as to avoid the pharmaceuticals. Ideas, anyone?
Now git to those books, I want my copy!
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
garlic.
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madz1962 Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
And fish oil tablets. The purer, the better.
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Do NOT burp after the fish oil pills unless you want your breath to smell like an unkempt vagina.
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CADude Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 11:43 am
Like a vagina full of bad decisions?
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 8:22 am
Tilly’s great line lives on…
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Every couple months or so, I have good intentions to take a multi and extra calcium, but it never lasts.
And if I could be a little gooshy here – you did start a second family – the family of Surf Reporters!
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madz1962 Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Hi Sis!
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kristin Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Yo Bro!
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Nezrite Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 7:05 pm
That was EXACTLY my thought, including the “I don’t wanna get all weird about this but…”
WE ARE FAMI…actually, fuck that, I’m not baking any more Christmas cookies than I already do.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Nezrite
that last line made me laugh out loud. thanx.
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I was hanging out with a casual acquaintance on campus a while back, and she unexpectedly busted out a silk-wrapped deck of tarot cards and offered to do a reading. She didn’t tell me my future, but through interpreting the faces and suits on the cards (or whatever) she was able to nail my personality and background with a sense of accuracy that approached the freaky. And I could be wrong, but I don’t think she really knew me well enough at the time to use simple observation of and/or extrapolation from my visible character traits. I usually don’t go in for fortune-telling stuff, but this experience was…unique.
My only driver’s ed memory is of riding in the car with two other students while the instructor was listening to a talk radio program about maintaining proper bowel habits. At one point the interviewer asked how a person could be certain he was truly regular, and the guest replied something like, “the correct bowel movement should be approximately 12 inches long and sloping, much like a banana.” The kid behind the wheel promptly ran a stop sign, and nearly rear-ended an ice cream truck…
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Michelle Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I read cards myself and it’s actually easier to read for people you don’t know at all. The more you know someone, the more difficult it is to ignore their personality and general modus operandi and just focus on the cards.
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my one experience with a psychic was fairly interesting, except she said I’d be a good nurse. HA! I’d be the absolute worst nurse ever. I went for the novelty of it. now that I’ve gone, I’m done.
I take some vitamins daily because I don’t even come close to eating the right amount of healthy veggies every single day. I like veggies but I just don’t cook very often.
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Aspirin, fish oil, multi-vitamin, Vitamin D, magnesium, niacin, creatine and protein.
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my son’s driver’s ed. instructor once went into a Burger King and had a 20-minute dumper, leaving the kids in the car while he dropped the kids off at the pool.
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In India, I had my fortune told by a fortune teller that was assisted by a real parrot of all things. The fortune teller said a prayer and the parrot chose a card from a stack. He gave me predictions based on the card from the parrot. He was right about everthing so far. He also predicted I’d live to be 82 – we’ll see how that goes.
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Jesus, I still have psychological scarring from my father trying to teach me to drive.
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clintcurtis Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Yikes, judging from the reaction of my teen daughter who just got her license, I may be related to your Dad, lol!
Since she is home schooled. we had to send her off to a “driving academy.” As foresaid teen daughter told her mother, “Yeah the instructor drives as good as Dad, but he doesn’t yell at me as much.”
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My dad must have gone to the ‘Marquis de Sade School for Driving.’ Right after I got my permit, the first time, the VERY FIRST time I got behind the wheel of a car, he sent me down the entrance ramp of the freeway!
Granted, the highway didn’t go very far, (it was still under construction) but I was scared out of my mind! I think I needed the “Jaws of Life” to pry my fingers off the steering wheel and my sphincter was slammed shut for weeks. One thing I did learn…everybody who whizzed past me thought I was number 1, because I couldn’t get that old Dodge over 45 mph without feeling like I was going to careen off the road. Dad just sat there next to me with a big ol’ grin on his face and didn’t say a word. Good times…
I’m with about the medicine thing, Jeff. I can’t stand to take anything if I don’t have to. When I see folks smugly pull out a couple dozen pills and take them, I think to myself, “Congrats–you’re sicker than the rest of us!”
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madz1962 Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 1:52 pm
“Marquis de Sade School of Driving” LMAO – Thank God I finished eating lunch, Root, because I definitely would have choked.
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Bunker Cam picture:
So this is what “thrilled to death” looks like!
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I used to watch that fuck on tv with much disgust, John Edwards or whatever his name is. So-called psychics do a lot of “cold reading” which I find very interesting. They study obscure statistics and use that to their advantage. For example, more than 80% of single women over 40 have at least one cat. And 60% of them call the cat either “Ginger” or “Kitty”. I’m sure that would impress the hell out of one of them ladies, knowing that they had a cat named ginger and so on.
I take pills at night to help me sleep. 3 benedryls, 3 valerian root, 1 melarion – knocks me out like a charm.
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Nezrite Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Melatonin never did a thing for me, but 3 valerian and I’m sleeping like…something that sleeps really well. Pity it smells like the cat’s ass at the dump in July, though.
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hardoxdan Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Three shots of rum, two valium, and a partridge in a pear tree.
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a vitamin every now and then. An aleve occasionally or an ibuprofren.
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I’ve never seen a psychic in part because I can see the future. Yes, I can see the future. For instance I recently had a vision involving my Friday night, as soon as I leave work I see myself picking up a 12 pack and stopping at the neighbors and co-whining about sucky work weeks. It’s creepy, I tell yah!
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I’ve never been to a psychic and don’t plan on it. I DID sit in on a conference with paranormal people I found fascinating.
My dad’s idea of teaching me to drive was hauling 2 garbage cans out onto the street and have me “parallel park” between them. On grass. When I went for Driver’s Test #1, I put the back tires up on the curb. Thanks, Pop!
I take a few vitamins when I think about it, but I hate swallowing pills so I got One A Day Gummies for adults. And a powdered fizzy Vitamin C drink (the orange flavor is akin to a mimosa which is right up my alley!) Beloved takes a cocktail of herbal supplements. And he’ll jame like 22 pills in his mouth at once. I better brush up on the Heimlich.
No pharmaceuticals at all. hope to stay that way. It’s funny, people actually BRAG about all the shit they take – everything from soaring blood pressure to spastic colons. Wouldn’t it be better to brag that you have a healthy body? Idiots. When they start in on their “list” my eyes glaze over and I get the fuck out of there.
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Root 66 Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Agreed…I can’t stand people who brag about how sick they are. They suck all the life out of a room. Life’s too short to gloat about your spastic colon–or whatever!
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chill Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 7:24 pm
They’re the ones who, a few years from now, will talk in fascinating detail about “procedures” they’ve had lately. Fascinating to them, anyway.
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 7:54 pm
I manage a group of 30, 40 and 50 year olds. There are 20 of them…they’ve got all the symptoms you would expect from a bus trip to Dollywood. One guy just turned 50 and had a knee replaced last weekend…A KNEE at 50. We’re talking everything from gout to heart issues to cataracts… No wonder cavemen only lived to about 30 or so…
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Psychics (or fortune teller, or palm readers) never win the lottery, so I’m not sold on it.
I take fish oil every day to lower my cholesteral. After a year and three months, I am proud to say my cholesteral has dropped from 285 to 260. Oh, that’s not good? Okay. I started taking one three times a day at the beginning, because two gave me the shits. Now I take two three times a day, now that my system is used to them, but they don’t seem to have the effect they should. I expected to be way below 200 by now.
I have been teaching my son to drive since he was 13. He gets his license next year and he is a better driver than most of the near-deads on the road down here. An oldster hit my wife’s car last week in a parking lot. I was parked in the car and he sideswiped me trying to get by me. Then he parked in his space in front of the ballroom dance studio he was in a hurry to get to. I got out and told him he hit my car. Without flinching, he pulled a peel-off insurance car from his glove box and handed it to me. “Here. they’ll take care of everything” he cheerfully said, and went into the dance studio. It was like he did this every fucking day or something.
Sorry, went off on an unrelated tangent there.
I’m signing some bills over the next couple of day, so see ya soon.
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Tammie Reply:
May 7th, 2011 at 7:37 am
Two many caplets of fish oil gives you the shits?
Whoo Hoo! No more colonic irrigation for me! (My cholesterol is fine.)
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There’s a psychic downtown who you have to call to set up an appointment. So, not that psychic then?
(If you can, teach your boy to drive a stick shift).
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I’m teaching my 15 year old to drive now. Both of our cars are stick shifts so he is learning the right way around. Trial by fire: a couple of nights ago he had to do a left turn hill start with a car sitting right on his ass. He was nervous but he did fine. He keeps eying my 97 Wrangler, but I said no way until there are all A’s on his report card and they stay that way.
There are two people who have written extensively about the fraudulent shenanigans of psychics: James Randi and Michael Shermer. Both of them say a good cold reader is a better psychologist than most professionals. They also compare them to faith healers and talk about their tricks. Healthy skepticism is a good life skill.
I don’t take meds since my liver has enough to do already.
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I learned to drive, driving a 67 pickup, 3 on the tree, no power brakes or more importantly no power steering. Dad owned 4 acres ground that he rented to a farmer. The farmer had alfalfa planted in it and Dad would take me out there to practice when I was 13. When I turned 14 he would let me load up the cardboard from his business and drive the two blocks down the street and burn it on the burn pile. What a great job! It didn’t pay anything but I got to drive the pickup truck and play with fire.
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I learnt to drive a ford pinto stick shift. The first time I came down the driveway I paniced and forgot which peddle was the brake. I was stomping the clutch, and the car finally died before I ran into the house.
There was a dance hall in our town, and they’d serve minors beer. My cousin and I drove a big ass tractor up there while my grandfather was asleep. He was staying in a little trailor house while the main house was being built. We got back home drunk, and hopped off the tractor without taking it out of gear or turning it off. It smashed into his bedroom. I can still see him standing there at the end of the hall, his hair all fucked and his bed smashed into the doorway. The damn tractor slowly grinding away at the walls. It’s funny now but it sure as hell wasn’t funny then.
I saw a palm reader one time, she was set up outside of a haunted house attraction. I stood there with a blank look on my face while she stumbled along. She said I was too cold to read. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Total sham.
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WB in OH Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Welcome back TFM, glad to see the rumors of you’re demise were greatly exaggerated.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Thank you. I did get shocked and I shat my pants, but it didn’t kill me. One of my balls is swolled up though, not sure what that’s all about.
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Psychics are typically not the most sparkling conversationalists in the world. They tend to respond to just about everything you say with “I knew you were going to say that”.
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Jason Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Whenever I see a psychic I beat the shit out of them. Didn’t see that coming, did ya?
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How about re-learning to drive?
My entire training on how to drive on the left side of the road in Singapore was “That’s your car over there” and a finger point.
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I’ve never done the fortune teller thing. I was the only person in my assigned car to pass drivers ED in High School. The other guy in the car sobbed like a baby when he was told he wasn’t gonna make it. The two girls just shrugged.
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NE PA is not the only place where folks enter the highway like you describe. Come on down here to So. Miss. EXACT SAME thing.
Rule #1 is: If you’re entering the highway behind any of the following, hang back and let them proceed, don’t get anywhere near their rear bumper or you’ll end up THROUGH it: Car with handicapped tags, car with “Retired Armed Forces” tag, any Mercury Grand Marquis, or any driver who turns the corner onto the ramp with any hesitation whatsoever. You can GUARANTEE it’s going to be an end-of-ramp-stopper.
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Limey Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
You forgot drivers wearing hats and cars with rear parcel shelves festooned with teddy bears and/or flags.
You can get special PA license plates with a PD for Physically Disabled on it. Seems some local wheelholders need an MD (Mentally Disabled) plate. They could be mandatory in New Jersey.
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B-12 for nerve damage.
Went to see a psychic in New Orleans about 5 or 6 years ago, it was fun, she didn’t say anything earth shattering, I just did it for the entertainment value.
John Edwards is a complete ass.
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I have a severe allergy to Alder tree pollen. Under the microscope, the things look exactly like the spiked balls midieval guys tied with chains onto sticks.
In my house while I was growing up, I don’t think my Mother allowed any remedy/ointment/cure if it was newr fangled than the late 1800′s.
Worst allergy story for me was waking up one fine Spring morning, and my pollen allergy had made my eyes water during the night. Of couurse, all the crap had dried on during the night, basically welding my eyes shut. I had to wend my way into the bathroom, then blindly turn on the water in the sink and reconstitue the dried on eye gunk til I could open my eyes. Gee Mom, a 25 cent Benedryl could have saved me from all that terror!
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i take gnc multivitamins, i think they are the best ones out there. no junk or fillers in them. i take papaya enzymes once and while after eating, they are good for digestion, and was taking their fish oil but ran out and havent taken them in a while.
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Taught my daughter to drive, Hubby couldn’t do it without screaming at her.
I took her for her test too. She had a Dodge Colt, itty-bitty car, and the test guy that came out was probably about 6′ 4″, well over 300 pounds, and he just stood there and looked at the car. He managed to get in with the window rolled down, hung half of himself out said window, and proceeded to fail her. We really weren’t too disappointed, she knew she didn’t have a chance with him.
And he DIDN’T buckle his seatbelt, he couldn’t find it!
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My father tried to teach me how to drive while on vacation in Avalon, NJ. I was trying to navigate the enormous 4-door Lincoln Continental for my first-ever behind the wheel experience. All I remember to this day is him yelling, “You’re drifting, goddamn it!! Stay center for Christ sake!!” We ended up not speaking to eachother for the rest of the week.
I wouldn’t mind taking some supplements. But what usually happens is I start out like gangbusters then end up forgetting to take them all together. So fukkit.
When I owned my antique shop, my partner had a friend who read tarrot cards. She came in every week to give us the low down on our business, personal life and anyone else who happened along. She was acutally pretty good. It was fun for a while but got old really quick when she would spend every Saturday with us “reading” cards. Enough already.
I went to a few fortune tellers. Most were pretty accurate with personality shit. But when one of them told me I’d have 3 kids I knew it was a waste of time and money. Fat fucking chance of that happening.
Years ago an Asian frend of my ex read my palm. He told me I would never amount to anything without him (my ex) in my life. Jackoff.
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I do take a fair amount of ibuprofen and/or naproxen, due to arthritic hips, and at this time of year, Claritin and similar allergy relief is pretty much mandatory, since I live in one of the allergy capitals of the country (Sacramento, CA). I also fairly frequently take melatonin as a sleep aid (chronic insomniac), but have to be careful of dosage, since too much causes nightmares for me.
As for learning to drive, I took driver’s ed in high school (mandatory in Oregon at that time), but didn’t get a license until 21, so my grandfather (who’d raised four kids of his own and four stepkids, so I was at least his ninth novice driver) had to teach me to drive again. He did give me some very useful advice, such as don’t trust another driver’s turn signal unless I see movement that matches it, and simply operate on the assumption that other drivers are stupid, crazy, AND out to get me. The latter is especially accurate where I live now.
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eeyoresmama Reply:
May 4th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
My Dad always told me that seeing someone’s turn signal on means that the turn signal is on.
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Never went to see a psychic but I’m hooked on Paranormal State, Ghost Adventures, etc. My EX sister-in-law claims that she went to a psychic and they told her she was going to get a divorce….so she did.
Take a multi-vitamin and gingko-biloba everyday. The gingko works and I’d forget who I was if I didn’t take it.
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It’s funny you mention Herbals and Psychics in the same posts. They’re about equal in my book.
All natural does not equal safe; uranium is all natural, snake venom is all natural. I’d prefer not to take a suppository of either thank you very much.
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I have today’s Classic taped to the bookcase in my office. It’s all yellow and curly and I look at it and laugh at lease once a week. I also have another comic strip panel in my see-thru desk pad–Pearls Before Swine: “When the moon hits your eye….That’s a Moray”
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I’m a die hard skeptic.
I don’t mind the “psychic” who performs a Tarot reading for fun. Unfortunately there arise the Uri spoon benders or John Edwards ghost talkers who seem to prey on the gullible.
Driver training? I learned to drive on top of a International Harvester tractor in my pop’s fields when I was 7 or 8.
I recall that I wasn’t strong enough to depress the clutch pedal so I couldn’t stop the tractor without stalling the engine. My choices were to drive in ovals until the fuel ran out or hope that my pop would come out to check on me.
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On MADTV back in 2001 I think it was nicole sullivan or some other chick called in to the psychic friends network and asked them why they didn’t predict 9-11?
It was funny, not the way I told it, but still.
I don’t believe but I might go to a medium if an old gypsy gives me a button.
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It’s Replacements day on my local radio station!
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I eat raw onions in apple cider viniger like most people eat cheerios in milk. I do this because my tounge, throat, and gullet need to be punished. They need to be punished hard.
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CADude Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:08 pm
And don’t forget this about another body part: The liver is evil. It must be punished.
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I went to a psychic in the 70′s. She told me a lot of things that cannot be proved, made a few predictions that didn’t happen and made one that was spot on and still is. She said some things that feel right, but I’ll never know – such as – one of my college professors was gay (and how that applies to me, I have never figured out.)
I agree with you about bumper stickers and stuff hanging from the rear view mirror, etc. Tacky!
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A tarrot reader told me my first marriage would be very short and no children. We’ll celebrate 25 years this year in Orlando with our 16 yr old daughter and 21 yr old son. Orlando because we still have 1 day left on our 3 day pass from 1986.
My horoscope is always bang on for me without a lot of extrapolation – kinda freaky.
Arthritis, torn rotator cuff, bursitis, diabetic neuropothy…I’ve been known to take the occasional ibuprophen. Mostly I just suffer in silence.
I take omega 3 for cholesterol as well as vitamin C & D – one is a tangy orange candy and the other is a small chocolate pil…a tasty start to the day.
I also take Metamucil for the fibre…I could have been on the radio program Phantom Railfan discussed.
Someone invented a new drink I hear…the BinLaden….two shots and a splash of water
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I went to a ‘friend’ psychic once. She was merely a dabbler in the stuff, but still…
She said a lot of stuff that was spot on, especially about the boy that I ‘knew’ was the One. [He wasn't.] She ended the session abruptly after touching on the topic of ‘religion’. She “saw something that she didn’t want to go up against” [whatever that means] and threw her cards into the trash.
According to our mutual friend, she refused to do any more readings after me. I still have no idea what she saw, and am kind of glad.
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I had a pretty bad toothache recently, and it was a few days before I could get to the dentist. Aspirin was a big help with that. I consume a goodly amount of garlic and a small amount of fish oil, but only as food – never had either in pill form.
My dad taught me to drive in the big old 1970 Pontiac Catalina wagon we had – what a beast. Unfortunately for comedy, it was uneventful. Later I taught myself to drive a standard shift (remember when we called them that?) in a 1967 Ford Falcon, which had the mighty 170-cubic inch Six and the coveted three-on-the-tree. I have never driven a tractor, or a tractor-trailer.
There was a kid in my school who, in Driver Ed class, whipped the wheel rapidly back and forth while hollering “I can’t find center steer!” After that he became known as FuDouBa, short for Fucking Douche Bag.
.
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I learned to drive on a 1960′s Wheel Horse Mower, which after age 8 was no fun, so then we moved to a Kubota Tractor, and then to an ancient Datsun pickup my buddy’s dad let us drive in the field (Until we lost the bed doing jumps). After that, I learned how to “officially” drive in a 22 foot long 1986 Chevy Suburban with a 6.2L Diesel Engine that had absolutely no get up and go…learned early to expect the worst of people and drive defensively, but also to guess where people would be and how they would react to my molasses-like lane changes and lack of anything resembling speed. Strangely enough, my mother did manage to get a speeding ticket in that Suburban, going downhill in a 35 doing almost 60 miles per hour, because she couldn’t believe it would go that fast. Took my driving test in the Suburban, and passed the maneuverability portion on the first try, using a vehicle that was as long as the entire cone course was. Man, I miss that thing sometimes.
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Dear god! A girl at the bar sounds likethe nanny
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Dad taught Sis (3 yrs. older) and I would ride along. While risking my life to witness his self professed ability to teach anyone any subject in need of learning…I wound up with a three day hearing loss.
Electrolyte Stamina tablets, probiotics, and Chinese red ginsing root (slices not the poweder stuff). And for daily mental health I take a fairly large amount of vitamin P, found in beer.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters….
I’m also a snot factory.this time of year. flowers, trees, pollen inthe breeze. take Ibuprofen & pseudo ephedrine… and balanced amounts of nicotine, caffeine and adrenaline
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Speaking of snot factory….I started last night with a sore throat and general achiness. Thought maybe allergies. Woke up this AM full of snot. WTF? Think it’s a fucking cold. That’s an automatic 2 full weeks of a raw-ass nose, a headfull and my eyes looking like two pee holes in the sand. Trying to head it off with Vitamin C and Tylenol
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Bill in WV Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 10:35 am
Several straight shots of cheap vodka kills a cold, didn’t you know that? Popov or any other knockoff will do.
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bikerchick Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 10:51 am
Thanks Bill…I’m on it right after work. If I had it here, I’d do it now. I’ll try anything to avoid this shit.
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 8:26 am
I worked with a Russian guy said if you’re sick, drink lots of vodka. Enough to kill the germs but not enough to kill you.
Drink until your “check liver” light comes on.
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Jeff, please rethink the part about teaching your kids to back up, I know you think we are asshats but knowing how to back in properly can be useful.
I was taught to drive by my grandmother on Indiana back roads, started drivers training when I was 14 and passed with flying colors.
It appears that they do not understand drivers ed in North Carolina or the drivers here have very short memories. When you see a turn signal here it means the the driver learned how to drive in another state. Also handicapped tags here usually means stupid…
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Jeff, regarding your Driving Rules reminded me of the movie “Gran Torino”
***SPOILER ALERT***
[last lines]
Lawyer: [reading from Walt's will] And I’d like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to…
[the lawyer pauses and looks up at Ashley, who smiles expectantly]
Lawyer: …my friend… Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don’t chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don’t paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don’t put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads’ cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that… it’s yours.
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Fucking awesome movie. The kind of movies Clint should have been doing all along, rather than that “Bridges of Madison County” crap or “Every Which Way” movies with a monkey as his co-star. Clint was da man, even in all the “Spaghetti Westerns”. Somebody should be advising these people who try to act outside their realm.
On an unrelated note: Anyone else ever wake up daily with an assload of phlegm and coughing? It goes away after a couple of hours, but this shit has sidelined me every morning since January. WebMD (the paranoia website) has given me reason to think I am dying. Anyone else experience this lately? Please help your old angry friend out, if you have. No insurance, so don’t want to go to Doctor Nut-juggler (cause everything is related to my nuts with him). Here’s $120.00, can you please hold my nuts?
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Jason Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I was having that phlegm problem every morning for a while. We changed the AC filters to those fancy-pantsy hepa whatevers (about $30 at home depot) and that helped a whole lot. I still have some, on ocassion, but I used to get up and choke up about a tablespoon of pudding every morning. Not anymore.
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I wondered about that, but I change that shit every month. Doesn’t seem to help, even the day AFTER I change it. All seemed to start after I made a trip to the great white north and 10 degree temps. Never had this problem when I lived there, but after sucking in 100 degree heat for years, thought maybe that had something to do with it. Thanks for the suggest tho, J.
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madz1962 Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:50 pm
I got a humidifier that really helped. I also pour some peroxide inthe water. My house was dryer than sand on crackers, which caused a higer dust level. And I mean, come on, I’d rather plug in a humidifier than be grabbing the frickin’ Pledge every 10 minutes. Suzy Homemaker I’m NOT.
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madz1962 Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
I think Clint directed “Bridges of Madison County”, besides also starring in it.
I could go for a “Dirty Harry” Marathon – but not that cut up. commercial laden crap on AMC.
When I feed my cat I ask her: “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”
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Garrett - g1g3m Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 5:15 pm
You might have a touch of Bronchitis. I got it once and didn’t realize it. My body would fight it way down because I was in decent shape back then, but once there, I always did some stupid shit (all night party) to let it come back.
I was at a friend’s house and there was a doctor there. I think I coughed ONCE, and out of nowhere produced a stethoscope and made the diagnosis before i even knew what the hell was going on.
“Bronchitis is inflammation of the main air passages to the lungs. Bronchitis may be short-lived (acute) or chronic, meaning that it lasts a long time and often recurs. “
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dto Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 3:56 pm
A small amount mint extract in your bong water will do the trick.
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chill Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 7:46 pm
I used to have phlegm like that, but it cleared right up once I started smoking.
Wait, LESS. Smoking LESS.
.
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 7:43 am
Yeah, I’m sure the smoking doesn’t help, but just the cold weather I was in at the end of the year was when it all began. Garrett’s diagnosis of chronic bronchitis was my first thought too. I’m hoping it goes away on its own eventually.
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Would a vaporizer do the same thing? Got one of those.
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SHIT! Mother’s Day Sunday!!!!
I’m a lousy gift giver. Can someone make some suggestions?
Married 6 years, two kids. No real hobbies, doesn’t wear perfume, thinks flowers are a waste.
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Jason Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Mine’s getting chocolate covered strawberries from proflowers.com
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Valentin Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 5:51 am
Get her a puppy.
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 8:29 am
Mom really loved the strap on anal Intruder I got her years ago… you could try one of those…
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uncle_wedgie Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Get the model with the beer bong attachment!
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My grandpa fixed up a little tractor that he let all the grandkids that were too big for the power wheel. I loved driving it but the steering sucked and I ended flipping it on its side when I didn’t turn early enough to avoid a tree. Never drove it after that. My dad thought I should learn to drive stick first but I almost drove into an oncoming car because I didn’t know how to down shift and steer at the same time.
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“Gran Torino”
Grey Goose Vodka
Lacy shit
Got nothin else. In the same boat
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If you have an assload of phlegm I don’t think webmd will solve your “issue”
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WB in OH Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 3:16 pm
and it’s probably not phlegm…
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Arnica works wonders on bruises. I pick up afew of these doing karate.
I tend to find that whisky is a great way to forget that you have any ailments in the first place. It is also really good for hangovers.
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madz1962 Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
A little hair of the dog never hurt!
Vitamin E pills slit open to release the oil works on scars, too.
And a hell of a lot cheaper than that mederma stuff.
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chill Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Whisky is nature’s perfect beverage. It’s good for what ails you.
.
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Psychics – no.
Supplements – yes. I eschew meds & doctors as much as possible, but I do take vits & etc. daily.
Learning to drive: my dad taught me to drive in his 1972 Ford Pinto. One rainy day we headed down a red clay dirt road. The road was snot slick and slightly mushy, but I was maintaining control okay… until I hit a stretch of washboards. A coupla fishtails later Daddy felt compelled to reach over and try to take the wheel from me. Pshaw! My death grip would not allow that and we snatched the wheel back and forth a few times. At the same time, I was frantically stomping what turned out to be the gas pedal!
After ricocheting between the edges of the road a few times, we went airborne across a 3 foot wide deep ditch and landed in a fence row on the opposite side. It was one of those 3 strand barbed wire fences with tree saplings growing up in it. The saplings bent over without breaking and held the car about 3 inches off the ground. One wire strand went over the car and one went under it. The middle strand broke. The property owner, after laughing his ass off, pulled us out with his tractor.
During the wild ride, my younger brother was buried in the backseat with boxes of nails, window shutters & assorted construction paraphernalia (my dad was a builder & used that Pinto like a pickup truck). He couldn’t see anything that was happening and ended up curled up in a ball to try to avoid being knocked out.
For some strange reason, thereafter he never would sit in the back seat. He always rode perched on the emergency brake between the two front seats (this was before the days of mandatory seat-belts). To this day, he swears he’s got an imprint of that brake in his tush from all the times I jumped the railroad tracks near the high school (when my dad was NOT in the car, of course)!
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I just want to point out something really important:
In the illustration at the top of this update, the man holding the handerchief to his nose has a backwards hand, with the thumb on the wrong side.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
May 5th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Oh, good. I thought I was dyslexic.
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I’ve not had a personal experience with a pyschic myself, but my husband’s aunt recently did.
A woman she’s never met before approached her on day 4 of a 7-day cruise and asked her if she had a cousin name Louis or Louie or Lou. She remembered that as a child they’d had a close family friend they used to call “Cousin Louie” even though he wasn’t an actual cousin. This woman proceeded to tell her that Cousin Louie wanted her to know that he was in heaven and he was with her mom and dad and they were together and were ok. My aunt about fell over. This woman told her that Cousin Louie had told her that her mom and dad has passed away exactly three years apart. She knew what ailments they’d had, she knew which onw had passed first, and a bunch of other information that no one could possibly have known. The woman told her that she was nervous about approaching her but good ‘ol Uncle Louie wouldn’t leave her alone until she delivered the message.
After that, she never saw the woman on the ship for the rest of the cruise. Freaky.
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Wow! That’s cold chill stuff.
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I have gone to a “Medium” (but she’s actually quite large), and I believe she lives near Clarks Summit.
Mary Lil is her name, and she was incredibly accurate.
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Mary Lil the large medium? Go figure…
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Colloidal silver – best thing since peroxide. AWESOME.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
May 7th, 2011 at 12:09 am
sorry but no. dangerous with no benefit.
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I get all the vitamins I need from beer. I use it to wash down my high blood pressure meds every day and I feel great!
As for the bumper stickers, well I have a few and they hold my car together so I consider them necessary. Besides, I’m convinced that if someone reads that “I’m wicked smaht!” they’ll eventually have no choice but to worship me.
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Happy Kentucky Derby day everyone!
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dto Reply:
May 7th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Horseshit!
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I got my mother the perfect gift. A chicken bat. It’s a bat that you use to beat chickens to death. Old man Palmer, up the street, had a huge chicken farm. When he died they got loose. Now they run all over the neighborhood, shitting on people’s mailboxes. As soon as we finished lunch mom went outside with her chicken bat and promptly killed eleven of the sonsabitches.
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hot fuzz Reply:
May 8th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Dibs on the wings!!!
Happy Mother’s Day moms of The WVSR.
For some reason, Mother Lover sounds like an insult.
Miss ya Mom!
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Speaking of box scores…there have been 2 no-hitters already this season. I thought that shit was supposed to be hard to do.
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“It’s mother’s day. Can’t you do something besides laying around all day, jacking off?” – my wife.
So I said, “I’ve got the dry heaves. Give me something to eat so I can puke.” I don’t think she’s cooking anything. Bitch.
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