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Your Mid-Week Topic Dump, vol. 177

November 11, 2009 By Jeff 86 Comments

hackerI see some of you are making light of my “banished from Google” situation, and that’s cool.  It’s what we do here: make light.  But it’s no good, no good at all, and affects more than just the people too lazy to type our URL into the navigation box.

Google drives a shitload of traffic, you see, and if the Surf Report is no longer in their index, I instantly lose twenty percent of my visitors.  Yeah, some are these weirdos, but most are legitimate searches, for things like Alli side effects and Ads vs. Reality.

As it stands, the people doing such searches won’t find the original pages.  They’ll be sent to sites where my stuff has been ripped-off, or won’t be able to locate it at all.

And that’s highly frustrating.

Also, the Surf Report ranked well for the phrase “fast food.”  Do you know how many times per day people do searches for that phrase around the world?  Yeah, I don’t either, but it’s a lot.  We were sometimes the number one and number two result, which is pretty amazing, and now we’re nowhere to be found.

And I don’t want to get too inside-baseball here, but folks who visit the site via search engines are good for “business.”  (I use the term loosely.)  They click ads and navigate around more than regular visitors.  It’s just a fact of life.  When people get accustomed to a website they train themselves to not see the ads and links and things.  But new visitors put a little extra beer money in my pocket.

Plus, there’s a danger that this person/thing could do serious, permanent damage to the site.

It sucks.  I’ve had a person go in and get rid of the hacker code twice, and it comes right back.  I don’t know if someone is reinserting it, or if it automatically regenerates.  Regardless, it’s causing me to lose sleep; the circles under my eyes are now the size of dessert plates.

The whole thing eats turds, corn on the cob-style.

I’m watching the 1975 World Series again, and it’s fantastic.  I have all seven games on DVD — the original NBC television broadcasts — and they still get my blood to pumping.

In ’75 I was twelve years old, and fully invested in the Cincinnati Reds.  Thirty-five years later I find I still have passion for that team, buried ‘neath all the baggage and scar tissue collected along the way.  Just seeing Tony Perez take a practice swing makes my heart skip a beat…

I wish they’d release the 1976 Series, as well.  But the Reds swept the Yankees in that one, so I doubt it’ll ever see the light of day.  It’s not exactly an edge-of-yer-seat experience, like ’75 was.

My friend Tim collects old baseball broadcasts and sent me a DVD of a 1972 playoffs game between Cincinnati and Pittsburgh, with all the original commercials in it.  That’s a lot of fun, too.  But it’s not really the Reds I knew.  It’s an embryonic Big Red Machine, if you know what I mean.

Do you ever watch old sporting events, where you know the outcome in advance?  Toney thinks it’s nuts.  She says, “What’s next?  Random weather forecasts from 1989?”  But I love those old Reds games; I never get tired of ’em.

I think we’ve got our New York City
trip figured out.  We’ll be going on a Friday at the end of November, just me and Toney.  We’re planning to take a bus, so we can kick back and let someone else deal with the traffic and confusion.

I’m excited.  We don’t get many opportunities to spend time alone anymore, and NYC is always an adventure.  I can almost taste the John’s pizza as I type this…

And now we can start plotting our day, which is part of the fun.

The disc we need to stream Netflix movies via PlayStation 3 should arrive tomorrow.  That’ll be cool.  You know, as soon as we have a PS3.  I need to have a little talk with Santa about that, aka Santy.  Pass the beer nuts.

I have a friend who recently underwent a medical procedure involving some sort of mysterious “probe.”  I’m unclear on the details.  But they made him fast for 48 hours!  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  He had to quit eating at noon on Sunday, and they didn’t do the procedure until Tuesday afternoon.

Man, that’s a hell of a long time.  I don’t know if I could do it, and I’m not joking.  Ghandi, I ain’t.  Holy crap-nodules!

Have you ever had to fast for such a long time?  I don’t go to the doctor, so it’s not something I’ve ever experienced.  What about you?  At what point do the hallucinations start kicking in?  Tell us about it in the comments.

And if you have any mysterious probe stories to tell, I’d like to hear (read) those as well.  A guy at an old job used to tell a tale about being sent to a specialist, because he was having “ass trouble,” and the receptionist kept answering the phone, “Anal and Rectal?”

Heh.  If you’ve got anything to tell us on that subject, have at it.

And I’ll be back on Friday.  See ya then.

Have a great day, my friends.

Now playing in the bunker

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Greg says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Could it be twice? Number one?

    Reply
  2. Greg says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Oh, HELL yes!

    Reply
  3. Greg says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    OK. I’m through. Again.

    Reply
  4. Uncle_Wedgie says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Crickets

    Reply
  5. JCIII says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    A good probe story? Did I read that right? OK, well..

    Years ago a co-worker was having lower G.I. problems and the result was he had to endure the dreaded colonoscopy.

    He’s in position when the specialist walks in and produces what he described as a 3 foot long silver rod.

    The doctor’s exact words were “Are you sure you want to do this?”

    “Hell no I don’t want to do this, you ordered it!”

    He described the “discomfort” as almost touching the roof of his mouth.

    Reply
  6. Chuck says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Is that one of the Translucents in the Bunker Cam shot??

    Reply
  7. Knucklehead says

    November 11, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Top ten? Yippeeee!

    Reply
  8. White Trash Barbie says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Stupid nap! I could have been #1!!!

    Reply
  9. ashton says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    There are ads?

    Reply
  10. Alice in WV says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I’M not making light of the Google screw up. Not me, no sir. It’s messing with me and causing my day at the ol’ saltmine to drag on and on.

    Reply
  11. White Trash Barbie says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Jeff, clearly you are not a woman. I don’t know about the doctor’s orders and the probing, but women know about not eating for extended periods. I’m not advocating the practice, and, clearly, it is not something I have done in a while (3 years, 1 month and 19 days), but women can stop eating for extended periods for a variety of reasons.

    Reply
  12. retrollama says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    No fasting or probe stories, sorry.

    Congrats on the upcoming New York visit, though.

    Reply
  13. Fat Secretary says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    I got nothing on the “no eating” part. I am the Fat Secretary for a reason, after all.

    Your Google situation really does suck ass-I hope you can get it straightened out soon.

    Reply
  14. DTO says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Quick note…I ordered and external hard drive today. 500GB and CNET say’s…. “it’s the kind man.” $118.00 A little bit bigger (not much) than a Blackberry. Not a real blackberry…you know.Yip-friggin’-YeeHaw…as the saying goes. And if I messed up and bought the wrong thing…please don’t anyone tell me. I suffer from terminal buyer’s remorse as it is. I can’t even buy a goddamn box of toothpicks without wondering if I should have got the paper wrapped mint ones.

    You know that little list people have on their blog of the sites they follow. I noticed today there was something on my llittle list and I did not put it there. TF!? I bearly know how add a site to follow. How the hell could one just show up there. It was blogspore or some crazy shit I never heard of. I didn’t write it down but like a fool, saw it down there at the bottom of my list and clicked on it satifying my WTF impulse. I immediately removed it.
    Scarey shit I tell ya. What’s next Gay midget porn? How did that thing get in there??? This is weird. ”

    No probing either thankyouverymuch.

    Reply
  15. Lester Bangs says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    I went to John’s for lunch on Saturday. I was in town to see the Chargers whup up on the Giants. Took Lester Jr. for his first taste.

    John’s pizza is the best pizza in the entire world, bar none. And the Bleecker street location is the only one worth visiting IMHO. Something about the brick oven there, it’s got a certain je ne sais quoi.

    Me and Mrs. Bangs carved our initials in the last booth on the left side of the left-hand dining room back in 1992. Good times.

    Reply
  16. not oprah says

    November 11, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Scanned through the searches which brought people here. Yikes!!! Was it Jason who googled ‘I stuck my d1ck in butter’? I stumbled on this awesome site when I googled something about dumbass co-workers. Luckily no probing stories to share.

    Reply
  17. not oprah says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Forgot to mention I googled ‘jeezum crow’ and expected to see the site pop up but it didn’t. I learned the phrase from hear and have integrated into my volcabulary as much as possible. I though it was unique to this site until I heard Grandpa Simpson say it the other day!

    Reply
  18. not oprah says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    here

    Reply
  19. WB in OH says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    If I made light of the google debacle (I know I was thinking it) I apologize. I didn’t realize that I never would have stumbled onto the sight back in March when I was searching for plans for a home made penis stretcher. Your comedy has made me completely forget my shortcomings. Seriously, I hope you get it figured out cause all this bullshit is cutting into the time you have available to entertain me and I appreciate the effort you put into it.

    As for watching old sporting events I will occasionally watch on old Buckeye/Michigan game on ESPN classic during the lull between end of the regular season and bowl games. Also I talked with a friend of mine who is a Browns fan and their regular crew sat at their regular Sunday haunt last week and watched the 86 Browns/Jets playoff game since Cleveland had a bye week. Everyone there knew the outcome but they cheered and bitched and drank as if it were live TV. Good times in small town Ohio.
    As for the weather let Toney know that if I would love to watch the evening news on Jan. 25th 1978. “20% chance of flurries this evening…”
    Thankfully no fasting or probing stories. Wow this is a first, the WSVR is cutting into my own time instead of the “mans”. Gotta go! Peace out y’all.

    Reply
  20. Jeff says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    We’re out of Google, not oprah. That’s what I’ve been ranting and raving about. For the time being the Surf Report doesn’t exist, except at Yahoo and Bing. Which means it doesn’t exist.

    Reply
  21. not oprah says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Yes, I do understand that Jeff. That’s normally how I find you. I have you in my favorites but just google. I wonder how this has happened? I haven’t checked other search engines yet. I’m off to try….

    Reply
  22. Greg says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Wow, I sure hope you get this thing cleared up. I didn’t realize how important it was, until you explained it. It’s difficult to diagnose the problem when you can’t isolate the source of the renegade code. You’ll have to rely on experts who know a lot more than I do. Good luck.

    Reply
  23. Chuck in Belpre says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Time for a new web host if they can’t keep the morons out of your files.

    Reply
  24. Spiffy McClintlock says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Are you running any of the WordPress anti-spam plugins? That’s what ya need! If you haven’t set up the Akismet plugin that comes with every install of WordPress, you’re just asking for troubles.

    Reply
  25. zazu the pitts says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Hey! Does anyone know what Eninen do for a living? I need to know.

    It is for a class project.

    Reply
  26. Mlberry says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Eninen are both college instructors of some kind. (Though Banana Nostrils is reportedly working on become a pirate novelist.”

    Reply
  27. Jeff says

    November 11, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Akismet has caught 34,388 spam messages at the Surf Report, Spiffy. But this is a hack, not comment spam. I might’ve installed a questionable plugin, or someone got my ftp login information, I don’t know. It blows a whole herd, though.

    Reply
  28. DTO says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Does somebody think you’re the fucking CIA or you have the launch command codes!? This sucks man! Do we have enough wagons to make a circle? Fuck!!!

    Reply
  29. polaris says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Two days of fasting sounds about right. I had the much-dreaded “probing procedure” earlier this year on a Monday at 2:00 p.m. and had to fast from Saturday night until Monday night when my procedure was complete. Luckily, the fasting was the worst part. Thanks to propofol, I had a restful nap during the 45 minute procedure, felt nothing, and woke up feeling rejuvenated and perfectly fine afterward. I can totally understand why Jacko loved that stuff!

    Reply
  30. Gretchen says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    I’ve had three, count ’em, colonoscopies. Not back to back, so to speak, but over a 7 year period. For the first one I recall that they wanted me to fast for 48 hours. I have hypoglycemia, I can’t DO that and expect to live. They were less than concerned about my dilemma. Well funk dat! So I cheated and just ate real light on the first day. With the other anal probes the doctors weren’t so stringent with The Purge. Anyway, maybe that’s what your friend was getting.

    I don’t tend to watch sporting events for which I already know the outcome. The exception would be famous games I missed because I wasn’t born yet, the Steelers-Colts 2005 Divisional Playoff game, and maybe last season’s final game between the Eagles and Cowboys, the outcome which helped propel the Eagles into the playoffs….where they choked like dogs in the final clutch game just like always.

    Reply
  31. not oprah says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    dto – I’ll rent one.

    Reply
  32. zazu the pitts says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Thanks MlBerry! That is what I thought but I wasn’t sure.

    Reply
  33. Big Bear In OH says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    I’ve got a wagon DTO…right now it’s hooked up to my truck and is full of corn from all the harvesting going on around here. We’re just trying to get all of it in before something stupid weather wise happens here in the Buckeye State. Hopefully you can get the Google mess straightened out, Jeff! No more Indian Spammers–I already had to deal with enough of them trying to get parts for one of the tractors out here. Mahindra makes a great machine until you break something.

    Reply
  34. Eve says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    From now on, I intend to pay more attention to (and click on) Jeff’s ads. I’ve been too complacent. And Jeff can’t have that.

    Reply
  35. -- Steve says

    November 11, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    34000 Spam messages? Sweet Sainted mother of something-or-other!
    While the WSVR is, for many of us, our main source of entertainment, news and updates on ass molecules, why would anyone spend the time to make it a target?

    We just can’t have this. Jeff – once the Situation is fully addressed, we’ll do whatever we need to to get you back at the top of the list. Even if it takes typing in “I fuck cheese” 34000 times into the Google Search bar.

    Reply
  36. -- Steve says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    heh… just noticed 2 links I’d never seen before (and I do believe they’re supposed to be there).

    RSS Feeds still work, into Google Reader anyway, which is how I enter the WSVR every day

    Reply
  37. TriStateSaver says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    I agree Eve! How dare we bust in on a mans beer money! click away!

    I got hamburger for $0.25 a pound today. I expect probing will begin soon with all the red meat we will be eating!

    Reply
  38. Gretchen says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Don’t forget, Jeff gets money from Amazon if you click on the link. Christmas is soon upon us, people, let’s get clicking!

    Reply
  39. Jeff says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    I’m not being critical of anyone, it’s just the way it is. New visitors tend to explore more than people who are familiar with the surroundings. Not a criticism, just a fact.

    And yeah, in the year and three months (or whatever) since I moved to WordPress, Akismet has stopped 34,396 spam messages from making it to the site. That’s eight more in the last hour!

    I had a questionable plugin, supposedly designed to configure your website for cell phone viewing, and I think it might be the culprit in all this. I think (but don’t know) that it came with a secret entry point built into it. Needless to say, it’s been shitcanned.

    Reply
  40. pagan says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    If ever you are in for the dreaded colonoscopy and notice both of your Doctors hands on your shoulders-Get the Hell out of there!!!!!!!

    Ironically i get right through on my I google home page link:)

    We should vote on the quality of each report with clicks on the ads! today is a 5 click day and no I’m not buying anything to do with coke until those Bastards put the cocaine back in the receipe

    Reply
  41. pagan says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Bunker cam caption:

    “Just give me the damned cheese”

    Reply
  42. Chuck says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    I still say the Bunker Cam shot is of one of the Translucents…………..

    Reply
  43. Gretchen says

    November 11, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Not to get all artsy-fartsy on everyone, but for those of you whom are curious, the Bunker Cam photo is one of those iconic twentieth century images one often sees referenced in photography books:

    http://iconicphotos.wordpress.com/2009/08/12/boy-with-toy-hand-grenade/

    Now, if anyone can flippin’ explain the butt display from yesterday’s Bunker Cam, I’d be much obliged. 😉

    Reply
  44. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    November 11, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    The bunker cam photo is probably the most famous Diane Arbus photo among her life’s work.

    Reply
  45. pagan says

    November 11, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    Gretchen I bow to your intellectual superiority!!
    (Or Dianne Arbus just happened to live next door to Jason when he was a kid!)

    Reply
  46. Swami Bologna says

    November 11, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Chuck, I sense that you are concerned that no one responded to your observation. So I will say — I laughed heartily at your first mention that the Bunker Cam features a Translucent. It was a very observant comment. My guess is that it’s the older Translucent, who is distressed because Nancy didn’t allow him to bring his Lego collection to the park. His short trousers are half un-suspendered because he will shortly pull them all the way down and start rubbing his little wiener. After he’s finished rubbing, Nancy will give him a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan oatmeal cookie, and all will be right with the world.

    Reply
  47. Gretchen says

    November 11, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Finished rubbing. LOL!

    Reply
  48. Gretchen says

    November 11, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Chuck, that was a fine and funny observation. I should have noted that before I started wielding around my “intellectual superiority.” 😉

    Reply
  49. Tyrosine says

    November 11, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    My wife had to have a colonoscopy about 15 years ago (they thought she had Crohn’s Disease). She only had to fast for 24 hours, but the worst part was the laxative they gave her: It was a just some powder in a gallon jug that she had to fill with water and drink 1 glass every 10 minutes until it was gone. It was called Go-Lytely, but it should have been called Go Like a Fucking Horse. I had to move the TV in there so she didn’t die of boredom. Poor creature spent almost 12 hours on the toilet. By the time she was done her legs were numb and she couldn’t walk. The test was negative (turned out it was severe lactose intolerance).

    On a sad note one of the owners of the company I work for had a colonoscopy on Friday and she was diagnosed with cancer on the spot. Her surgery is tomorrow.

    Reply
  50. Casey J says

    November 11, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    No probing but I have had some pretty violating ultrasounds done. nuff said. I don’t fast for those so they don’t count. I am gettin a brain tic this week…Mother in law remarrying(good thing, except her kids all thing about is mememe, how does this affect me!!) and Sister in law in knocked up(not good).

    what to do?? this is life!!

    Reply
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