Your Favorite Nicknames, a WVSR Baseball Game, and Goodbye for a Week

My last update before a long break, and I’m running behind…  Appropriate, huh?  But Toney was home this morning, and we ended up drinking coffee and chatting for a while.  Since I rarely see her these days, because of our ridiculous work schedules, it was nice.  And I don’t feel guilty.  So there.

This is really cool… Two Surf Reporters, who didn’t know each other beforehand (I think that’s right?), got together and attended a baseball game in Cleveland.  And they’ve provided Smoking Fish photos, here.

Looks like fun, guys.  And T-Storm… it appears you were having a REALLY good time.  Heh.  I appreciate the effort.  Those are some great shots!

Everyone, please keep your eyes open this summer for the Fish.  And always have a camera handy!  Because our logo, man, he gets around.

This morning on Facebook one of my former high school classmates sent a group email and asked if any of us remember a guy we used to call OPEC.  He earned this nickname because his hair was always greasy. Eventually I did come up with his real name, by the way.

And I’m sure we’ve covered this before, but I’d like to hear (read) the insensitive nicknames you and your friends have created over the years.

Bill and I were (if I do say so myself) masters of the hurtful nicks, and came up with many, many over the years.  Especially when we were in school.  I think we had a nickname for half the students in Dunbar…  Some were better than others, but the good ones were very good.

For instance, there was a tall and skinny black girl with thick Coke bottle glasses at our elementary school, and we called her Giant Ant.  Because she, you know, looked very much like a giant ant.  She really did. It was like something out of a 1950s sci-fi film.

And one day Bill and I were standing in line to buy lunch at the Junior High, and a breathtakingly ugly girl was leaning against something that said Fire Door – Keep Closed.  And for the rest of eternity she was known to us as “the hag on the fire door.”

Nice, huh?  Should I feel guilty that I’m still laughing?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, if you have anything on creative nicknames, tell us about it in the comments.  And they don’t necessarily have to be from your schooldays, they can be co-workers, or whatever.  We just need to know.

Also, I asked about five questions yesterday (I got carried away), so let’s keep that conversation going, as well.  Here’s your link.

I’ve got several guest columnists lined-up for next week, and have even received a few of the columns already.  Depending on how it goes, I might post the first one on Friday.  Then, because of the holiday, I’ll post the next one on Tuesday, and others after that.  So, don’t tune out completely while I’m away.  There’s gonna be lots of stuff going on.

After today I’m going into complete book-editing lockdown.  Except for Monday, when I’ll emerge for 24 hours and spend time with the family.  I’m planning to have the second draft finished before I return to work on June 6.  Wish me luck, ’cause I might need it.

Thanks for reading!  I’ll see ya soon.

Now playing in the bunker

Treat yourself today at Amazon!


  1. fryguy says

    T-Storm, did you play Edgar in the Men in Black movie? anyone else see the resemblance in the first picture or is it just my warped mind?

  2. t-storm says

    No I didn’t, but I have heard that before.

    I hope the bullets taste better than the bitterness.

  3. V says

    I earned the not-so-glorious nick name of “Pork Puddle” back when I was 16 and attended my older brother’s friends pig roast/kegger/camp-out.
    I carried that proudly for a few years until I learned to keep the booze down.

  4. WB in OH says

    The only nickname I can lay claim to was a new guy who showed up one day at work. He was worthless and I dubbed him OCU, short for “oxygen consumption unit” because that’s about all he was good for. That still gets used a lot to this day when weeding through new people at work.

    A few that I can think of from school that I had nothing to do with…
    Truck-A big girl, also unfortunate looking. (Tyrosine-What PC spin on ugly.)
    Pink Pants-A friend of Trucks who had a menstral accident while wearing white pants
    Marmaduke-A girl in school who, wasn’t the prettiest girl (definitely not the worst) but her father was a teacher and also the single biggest dick ever, we’re talking park ranger levels.
    Well then there’s my buddy Harley who’s Dad happened to have a 175cc on/off AMC Harley Davidson that we used to ride around in the hay field next to his house.

    There’s a girl here at work we call swish-swish, she wears these nylon sweatpants and all day you hear swish swish as she walks. Sort of like Costanza in the corduroy pants.

  5. WB in OH says

    Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don’t you take that away, I’m eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn’t it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that’s been hit too much or ain’t been hit enough, I can’t make up my mind. You’re useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.
    [Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
    Edgar: Figures.

    That’s good stuff.

  6. Limey says

    I went to school with a kid with really, *really* bad eczema and we called him Weetabix, which doesn’t make much sense unless you’re British or Canadian or Australian – in which case it’s hilarious.

    I think he topped himself.

  7. t-storm says

    Oh yeah there was a guy at my first job out of college that we called Running with Hairspray. His hair was so perfect it looked like it would stay the same standing still or in a hurricane.

    I have a friend we call The Professor. It started because he used to grade papers at the bar, it then turned into a bit more derogetory when we found out he was like brainy smurf. You know the guy, the guy who will answer a rhetorical question?

  8. says

    my nickname is fattie20xl. at my old job it was “lunchbox” … ’cause i’m fat.

    We used to call people stuff like “Slutty McGhee” and “cockbag” at the bar that was my home for a few years….

    Then there was “Chocolate Love”…. a big black guy who’s last name was legitimatly “Love”

    “Woodstock” was this hippy chick that didn’t bathe. or shave her pits.

    “Fagito Fuego” was a dude that was always in semi-homoerotic situations

    “Frankentooth” was a girl in highschool who had HUGE braces. The kind with rubber bands making a cats-cradle thing in the back of her mouth. Poor girl used to get insulted and humiliated daily.

    She wound up getting pregnant at 16, and now she gets beat up a lot. Or something. I dunno. I lost track of her.

  9. chill says

    In college I knew a guy we called Danny the Asshole. I know, breathtaking creativity. Then there was a kid in high school we called Spaceman… he would frequently look around at the sky while grinning, like some kind of retarded Stevie Wonder. That’s about all I gots.

  10. Ed says

    There was a guy at a place I worked whose friends called “The Colonal”. They would put empty KFC boxes on his desk and stuff like that. Puzzling. Was he inordinately fond of chicken, or what?

    The explanation was: one night at a strip club, one of the dancers had stuck her finger up her hoo ha, and then held it out in front of his face. He then licked her finger.

    I was the recipient of a nickname which I now think is pretty funny. At one of my first jobs, at a fast food place, some of the girls took to calling me “Sleazy”. Later, after we had become friends, I asked them, why Sleazy? They told me when I started working there they had thought I looked like a sleestak. Well, that busted my ego a little, but old pictures from the time of my much skinnier self with my big 80’s glasses show that that nickname was pretty spot-on!

  11. Putski says

    Dirty Sanchez: This is our fire brigade assistant commissioner. He got his job by “coming in the back door”. Heh.
    Thrush: Because he’s an irritating C**T.
    Tin Man: This guy has no ticker.
    Passion Fingers: He fucks (up) everything he touches
    Dumper: ‘cos this guy took a dump on the engine room floor one night when he stayed on station after a big night out. He then stepped in it and walked it back to his bed before denying it the next day!

  12. Valentin says

    I used to call a guy at work “Porkchop” because he had those hilarious sideburns that dumbasses think are so cool. Everytime i see somebody with those i laugh my ass off. Also there was a girl in school come kids called “Bulldog” cause she literally had a face that looked like one. Oh and one friend at work we use to call “Herp” cause he had a cold sore once.

  13. HerdChemist says


    “Day Bra” – AKA: Debra; I used to work nights at a waste oil refinery. Anyhow we had this corrosive, yappy woman who worked day shift and would hand off her unfinished projects to me to complete in the PM.

    She NEVER finished anything and insisted on constantly talking to her kids and girlfriends all day long at work through her Bluetooth headset. She lived in her own little world, work be damned.

    Management was reluctant to say anything to her, she was EXTREMELY feminist, carried concealed weapons everywhere, and was basically a head case.


  14. Ognir says

    Me and a guy I use to work with here use to do the name deal. I think now such things will get you fired. I am actually not even going to state any of them here.

  15. Mzushark says

    Few nicknames:
    Guy in highschool who couldn’t select an identity (jock, cowboy, rapper, then went to college to be a cop) – Called him “The Village People” and whenever he would walk by at partiesI started singing YMCA

    My brother-in-law had a kid in grade school who pooped his pan to this day (20+ years later) he is still called “Poopus”

    Same town a kid got an apple stuck up his Keister…the whole town now knows him as “Applesauce”

  16. Gretchen says

    What did they call it when it was removed, an appledectomy? Seriously, how does one get an apple crammed up one’s tuckus other than manually and with purpose? I’d just like to hear his excuse. At the very least he should be introduced to Jason’s cheese fucker neighbor.

  17. Gretchen says

    t-storm: Apple Brown Betty. That’s friggen hilarious, yet now I don’t think I’ll be able to look at that dessert in the same way again. Ah yes, yet another food item ruined on the WVSR. Which is tit for tat at this point since apparently I ruined the Cleveland Indians hot dog mascot(?) for a few peeps on Facebook.

  18. Gretchen says

    What now? I’m speaking of the Smoking Fish sighting Jeff posted to his Facebook page, which I believe was your picture. There’s some confusion about, er, the costume’s accoutrements. Maybe since you were face to face with it you could explain.

  19. says

    This has nothing to do with anything what so ever, but Comcast sucks. We’ve had our box for not even 2 months and it stopped working Monday night, and the technician was supposed to be there at 430 yesterday. So he drove by our house 4 times, confused, my boyfriend tried to flag him down, which only made him drive away faster, and he never came back. Make sense?

    So now the technician won’t be back until Saturday, and I’m trying to reschedule it for Friday and they won’t. I HATE THEM. Did I receive any compensation for my trouble? No.

  20. Kevindust says

    Back-from-the-Dead-Ed = An aquaintance named Ed who passed out drunk outside during a snowstorm (Ottawa in Feb.) at a high school party, got covered in snow and incidentally pee’d on (we didn’t know he was under the snow). We called the ambulance when we found him and by the time they took him away he was looking pretty blue but he survived the ordeal with no permanent damage, in fact after spending the night and getting his stomach pumped he hitchhiked from the hospital back to the party the next morning with no shirt on (the first response workers had cut it off) and started drinking with us again. He became a legend.

    The Shower = a co-worker that would do anything to move up in the company, he forfeited his senority in the union for a temp spot in the office (and eventually had to come back out to do actual labour anyway) I forget how the story got started but eventually it was that this guy would accept a golden shower if it meant a spot in the office.

  21. dto says

    Got a really cool guy who works for me in my crew. His name is Aurelius. Honest! I call him Aurelius Insignificus…or just Insignficus.

  22. Debra says

    I was called Deb the web snot tot tot in 1969 way before there was a “web” I was called hoggmann because i was chunky and my name was Hoffmann.
    I have a freind named Ed. He is losing his hair everyone was singing Eddie’s using Rogaine… Rogaine….Rogaine… Eddie when the Michael Jackson song came out. Can’t remember the name of the song but Alien Ant Farm remade it.

  23. johnthebasket says

    Just guessing, but assapple might have been trying to become a member of the Apple Dumpling Gang. Their initiation rites are notoriously macabre; also, their gangleader, Apple Betty is a bit of a dominatrix. Mostly on the weekends, but I swear I worked for her once. Didn’t tie my shoelace in three years.


  24. JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says

    Gretchen –

    That was “Onion.” Onion, Ketchup, and Mustard have a race every game. It’s somewhat retarded, so, just about my speed. We turned around sometime around the 4th inning, and there she was. Thank T-storm for reminding me to print that flyer…

  25. t-storm says

    you have to when two surf reporters meet. one day we’ll all have tattoos and won’t need the flier.

  26. Gretchen says

    JeffInDenver (InCleveland): No more retarded than the Pirates’ Perogies, though I think Cleveland’s prop department could have probably sprung for more than a glue gun and packing peanuts.

    For racing mascots I prefer the Presidential heads (let Teddy win!) followed by the sausages (I root for the Kraut, of course).

  27. bumblebee says

    Jeff and Bill, I can’t waite till we all get together and you guys get to explain some of those nicknames.

    Jonboy, too funny!! That was my families funeral home when I was growing up. We lived upstairs and used to play cowboys and indians and hide in the casket room. Hmmm, maybe Jeff & Bill called me casket girl.

  28. Corner desk says

    My co-worker and I refer to another colleague as Auschwitz, given the lethal nature of his gas.

  29. WB in OH says

    I can’t believe a major league team such as the Indians, consider ketchup a hotdog topping much less allow it the honor of a position in a race. Ketchup on a hotdog screams “DOUCHE”. Mustard, relish and onion is what God intended for us to put on a hotdog and if you put ketchup on it Jesus punches a kitten in the gut. At least that’s what Grandpa told me, in a bar.

  30. JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says

    WB – your Grandpa was right.

    So, who’s going to the next game I get tickets to?

    jeffindenver2 @ yahoo . com

  31. Rob says

    I’m always late to these things..

    Reading this column about hurtful nicknames made me instantly think of my 6th grade friend, Jerry. There was this devastatingly unattractive, yet well-developed, mildly retarded girl in our class who never wore a bra. Jerry named her “Titty-Flop”
    Still makes me smile some 35 years later..