Your Favorite Nicknames, a WVSR Baseball Game, and Goodbye for a Week

My last update before a long break, and I’m running behind…  Appropriate, huh?  But Toney was home this morning, and we ended up drinking coffee and chatting for a while.  Since I rarely see her these days, because of our ridiculous work schedules, it was nice.  And I don’t feel guilty.  So there.

This is really cool… Two Surf Reporters, who didn’t know each other beforehand (I think that’s right?), got together and attended a baseball game in Cleveland.  And they’ve provided Smoking Fish photos, here.

Looks like fun, guys.  And T-Storm… it appears you were having a REALLY good time.  Heh.  I appreciate the effort.  Those are some great shots!

Everyone, please keep your eyes open this summer for the Fish.  And always have a camera handy!  Because our logo, man, he gets around.

This morning on Facebook one of my former high school classmates sent a group email and asked if any of us remember a guy we used to call OPEC.  He earned this nickname because his hair was always greasy. Eventually I did come up with his real name, by the way.

And I’m sure we’ve covered this before, but I’d like to hear (read) the insensitive nicknames you and your friends have created over the years.

Bill and I were (if I do say so myself) masters of the hurtful nicks, and came up with many, many over the years.  Especially when we were in school.  I think we had a nickname for half the students in Dunbar…  Some were better than others, but the good ones were very good.

For instance, there was a tall and skinny black girl with thick Coke bottle glasses at our elementary school, and we called her Giant Ant.  Because she, you know, looked very much like a giant ant.  She really did. It was like something out of a 1950s sci-fi film.

And one day Bill and I were standing in line to buy lunch at the Junior High, and a breathtakingly ugly girl was leaning against something that said Fire Door – Keep Closed.  And for the rest of eternity she was known to us as “the hag on the fire door.”

Nice, huh?  Should I feel guilty that I’m still laughing?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, if you have anything on creative nicknames, tell us about it in the comments.  And they don’t necessarily have to be from your schooldays, they can be co-workers, or whatever.  We just need to know.

Also, I asked about five questions yesterday (I got carried away), so let’s keep that conversation going, as well.  Here’s your link.

I’ve got several guest columnists lined-up for next week, and have even received a few of the columns already.  Depending on how it goes, I might post the first one on Friday.  Then, because of the holiday, I’ll post the next one on Tuesday, and others after that.  So, don’t tune out completely while I’m away.  There’s gonna be lots of stuff going on.

After today I’m going into complete book-editing lockdown.  Except for Monday, when I’ll emerge for 24 hours and spend time with the family.  I’m planning to have the second draft finished before I return to work on June 6.  Wish me luck, ’cause I might need it.

Thanks for reading!  I’ll see ya soon.

Now playing in the bunker

Treat yourself today at Amazon!

92 Responses to “Your Favorite Nicknames, a WVSR Baseball Game, and Goodbye for a Week”

  1. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. First???

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  3. Damn. Almost.

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  4. “Sockethead” is probably my all-time favorite, referring to a bug-eyed girl in high school.

    There was also a girl who we assumed was beaten or shoved around by her boyfriend. She was called “Everlast.”

    I was not the originator of either (but secretly wish I was).

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  5. top five can it be???

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  6. Somethinggirl Bader “You Don’t Have to Date Her” and Somechick Decker “The Pecker Wrecker”

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  7. Bill, I will let you tell of some of the names we came up with when we worked together. Back in school, we had a girl with crazy hair, so she became Hair Bear. There was a girl we called Freaky Freeman, because……she was a freak.There was also, Spock because of his ears and Fat albert because he was a big fat black kid. Good times!………

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  8. I suck at giving nick names. There was a girl in Junior High school who licked the peanut butter spoon on the Salad bar and put it back, I christened her spoon lick. That moniker follows her to this day, so I hear. That’s about it.

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  9. I used to have a boss I called “Kikenstein”. Politically correct?? Perhaps not.. Funny as hell? Indeed!!

    Oh, and.. like 5th-ish…

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  10. Good luck with the book Jeff!

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  11. There was a kid in high school named Joe who had lost a testicle due to cancer. We called him Joey One-nut. Not creative, but it always brought a laugh.

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  12. At work there is a man who has a rather unfortunate stray eye. I call him Googly. He asked me out once and I told him we could never date becasue we would not see eye to eye. He thought it was funny so stop thinking i am mean.

    I call one of my bestest girls “magic snatch” because whenever she sleeps with guy he inevitably ends up being “in love”. Silly boys.

    other names

    Q-tip= big curly hair skinny body
    Hagatha
    insufferable Whore (hi Mom)

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  13. My recent nicknames have to do with co-workers…thankfully, neither of them work with me any longer. ICC was the short name for Italian Cold Cut, which was what this guy I used to work with smelled like. With extra onions, nonetheless. {shudder} The other one was ClickClick, who was an incredibly annoying older woman that walked with a cane. That made a clicking sound as she toddled along.

    Good luck, Jeff! We’ll miss you!! Write like the wind!!

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  14. Hey, T-Storm, what’s with the Miller Lite? It’s not like you’re trying to maintain your svelte figure. You know most of us Surf Reporters are beer snobs, and aren’t going to approve of that tasteless swill.

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  15. In my old neighborhood, there was a couple that lived up the street who were divorcing but still lived together. He was a raging alcoholic. They had this huge pile of mulch in their driveway that never went away. Every night when he came home blasted he drove his Nissan Stanza right into the mulch pile and one of his plastic hubcaps would fly off and roll down the street. We dubbed him Crash Test Dummy. I have a lot more, and way mean ones…but I don’t want to go to Hell.

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  16. Lady Leper – This punked out chick in highschool who had a crush on my friend Rick.

    Bay Hag – Unfortunate looking girl who was fucking a mechanic at the gas station where I worked part-time.

    Stinky Phillips – This kid in school who never bathed.

    Tumor Tits – My sister-in-law during a brief breast cancer scare (I’m genuinely sorry for that one).

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  17. Click, Remus, Toast, Tongue, Crave, Scooey, Irk, Walleye, Blunder, Blue Dog, Patches, Hogan, BB, Wildman, Sqwish…

    All from St. Albans, WV
    Honk if you know any of these crazies.

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  18. A red headed girl on my track team had anorexia. She was Red Skeleton.

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  19. Swami,
    At the game in the stands there is no selection. I did have a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy at one point. They are pretty good but I feel like a poofketeer ordering one.

    At the stadium I wasn’t mildly drunk. At the lizard I was mildly standing. That lizard is now my bride.

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  20. And Swami,
    When I sent the smoking fish sightings to jeff I also included my beertinery for that afternoon. Beer Snob this.

    Before the game I had a Magic Hat #9 and a 21st Amendment Watermelon Wheat Beer in a can (Bleah).
    After the game I had the following:
    Stone Imperial Russian on tap (good)
    Heavy Seas Loose Cannon (ok)
    Broklyn Naranjito (pretty good)
    Left Hand 400 lb Monkey (alright)
    Breckinridge Avalanche (fair)
    Ithaca Nut Brown Ale (good)
    De Dolle Dulle Teve (? I don’t even know)
    Left Hand Poelstar Pilsner (excellent)
    $50 dollars later (after tax and tip) I moved on.

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  21. Well…ya know in the “biker community” there are tons of nicknames. And a lot of the times most people don’t even know your REAL name.

    My late husband was “GI” because he was in the Army.
    Tito….from Tito Bandito…a friend who wears a bandana everywhere to any event.
    Sparticus… a guy who has the hair line of a Roman helmet.
    Crowbar…. got the shit beat out of him with a crowbar
    Popeye…. a girl who, when drunk, always has one eye closed.
    Johnny Fuck Knots…. cuz the dude’s hair looks like he just got out of bed all the time.
    Blue…. a friend with grey hair.
    Powder…. this guy rolls in on a bike one day in a powder blue jogging suit. Wotta a howl!!
    Juice or Juice Box… because his head is shaped like one.

    Oh…I could go on for ever!! Those are just off the top! The funny thing is…my late husband deemed most of them except his own… And they all STUCK!

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  22. I have a female co-worker who’s about 25, always talking about how much money her dad has, and I call her DFLP – short for Daddy’s Fat Little Princess.

    I’m such a hater.

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  23. My nicknames also have to do with co-workers. They would mostly be funny to only people I work with but I will give a brief description of each.

    Moleman – A 65-year old (who retires tomorrow, thank Allah!) who looks like a taller Moleman from the Simpsons. Hunched over, bald, extremely thick glasses, pants up to his neck, etc.

    Hot Mess – Nickname given to a female employee who tends to backstab & throw people under the bus WAY too much. Because of this another coworker called her a hot mess. When someone asked what that was she said ‘A hot steaming pile’. It was pretty funny, so it stuck.

    Girlfriend – We call another woman this because she had an affair with a married man on our floor, thus causing his divorce. They quickly got married white-trash style in Las Vegas so we call her ‘Girlfriend’ now. Surprisingly, everyone knows exactly who this is when we slip & refer to her that way….

    I’d love to find out what nicknames people have for me. Then again, I probably don’t want to know….
    This is off-topic, but if any of you are my FB friends & you got some weird post from “me” yesterday bragging about earning $2k in 10 minutes it was a scam. My account was hacked & that was sent to everyone. So, sorry & hopefully it won’t happen again.

    Good luck with the book, Jeff! Can’t wait to reserve my copy (signed, of course!) on Amazon. Oh, and I hand the T-Shirt modeling torch to T-Storm. Se-xy!

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  24. Had a workmate called Mac the wifebeater.
    He was married but also in a 10 year relationship with another woman whom he had a child with. Anyway, his wife found out wasn’t too happy for some reason. It seems she must have been living a double life too, only as a ninja. After beating him like a ginger stepchild she kicked him in just the right spot to take out his red-fella and both his love spuds at the same time. The only thing that stopped him passing out was the sound of the kettle boiling in the kitchen, which scared him beyond comprehension. He ran out of the house with various appliances whizzing past his ears.
    The next day at work she turns up at the main gate to administer the next round. I went to the gate and told her that Mac couldn’t leave his workstation, and that he would see her later. Bad move. She said that if I didn’t get the no good @?~’#king c#=> outside right that second then she was going to get the police and say that he’d beaten her up. Mac is a 6 foot 4 bear of a man with a black eye and broken teeth. She is 5 foot bugger all and perfectly manicured. And angry.
    Since that day Mac the wifebeater has stuck!

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  25. In junior high we had Titler and Neckface. The railroad had tons of nicknames too, the ones that stuck in my head were “Buffy the train slayer”, “Tommy boom boom”, “Peaches”, “Goldleaf Jackson” (wore a huge gold pot leaf necklace to a annual review) and Jimmy “the Truth”.

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  26. kid named daniel we called beaver (teeth)

    i’ve been tony tony tony, t-storm, beescheese, stabone, ferret, and so on.

    my former friend biscuit was so named because at mardis gras in st. louis one year every time we popped a beer she’d get showered so we dubber her the soggy biscuit

    my ex is marbles because when she talks fast it’s like she has marbles in her mouth.

    angry nate because when he gets drunk he gets angry, also darkside nate.

    creepy mark

    one eyed mark, not the same guy as creepy mark

    richard the basement troll

    and so on

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  27. I once worked with a lady who was quite overweight and very under-height. Not so mockable in itself, but she was what my father would at one time describe as “fat ‘n sassy” in that she was short, fat and rather obnoxious and that invites a mocking! We used to call her Kroger sack because a coworker once joked that she got so hungry that she couldn’t wait to get the groceries out of the bag and she had to have a plastic sack surgically removed from her bowels.

    Another former coworker we called Tho-mama because she was a dead ringer for that woman from the movie ‘Throw Mama From The Train’.

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  28. OK, t-storm, I’ll let you slide for drinking the Miller Lite at the game. You made up for it before and after.

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  29. I was ops manager of a large-ish company at one time and had to upset people sometimes. As such I used to have a lot of graffitti written about me on the toilet walls. I entered into the spirit of things by correcting the spelling!

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  30. I worked with a guy who lost an ear in a sled riding accident as a kid. We called him Mr. Potato Head.

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  31. Charlie Suitcase because of the huge bags under his eyes…should’ve had American Tourister tatooed on them.

    Earth Mother fudge was a black hippie chick that hung around with our gang sometimes. she was named after a character in a Dan Jenkins novel.

    Satchel-ass was a fat guy I worked with.

    Big-Hunk was the father of a Lebanese friend. Short for Big-Hunkie. (Yeh I know it was kinda a bigoted thing but no one seemed to mind.)

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  32. Bob-Splinter Cell
    Greg-Bird
    Jamie-Hambone
    Milton-Slowfoot
    Bobby-Robert I’m a Nurse
    Steve-Cupcake
    Steve-Hardman
    Aza- Spaza

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  33. I once worked with a lady (and I am using that term extremely loosely) who had a speech problem. She couldn’t say words with the letter R in them, yes she insisted on making her catch phrase “Hey Gull” (hey girl) I dont understand why she wouldn’t rather say hey chick or hey woman or really anything besudes hey gull. So for my first 6 months of employment with Hey Gull thats all I knew her by. She would call and ask to speak to Wachel (my boss) and I would say Wachel, hey gull is on the phone. I know…………shecial place in hell for me.

    My friend currently works with a lady theyve named “nubbs” she is missing 3 fingers. Only has a thumb and pinki. She is always hanging loose apparently. At any rate, if Im going to hell, so is my friend so I will be in good company!

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  34. Three off the top of my head:

    Some Kid – the new kid at Sunday school (I’m really reaching far back for this one). I understand it stuck with him from that point through high school. Whoops.

    The Mullet 5 – name bestowed to our mullet-ed next door neighbor in Ohio and his group of four equally coiffed friends who would come over and have a gawd awful jam sessions in his basement. If they cared half of much for cultivating their music as they did for cultivating their mullets perhaps they could have been the next Beatles. Or. Not.

    Mr. Planet of the Apes Vest – name bestowed to a geeky fellow who courted me in high school using only a Star Trek keyboard and his extensive knowledge of AV equipment. He contacted me nearly twenty years after high school, whereupon I learned he was still living at home, was still hard up, and was still devoting a large portion of his paycheck to collecting sci-fi paraphernalia, such as a fully intact and authentic Planet of the Apes costume. My husband and I added the “vest” part when we imagined him dancing around his attic bedroom with his, er, mannequin singing like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons. “See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest!”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipKwNbD1M1Y

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  35. My favorite nick names:

    Stinky wet sponge guy (he smelled like one)
    Turkish Delight (he wasn’t actually a delight)
    Skeletor (I just wanted to hand her a ham sandwich)
    Shrieking Banshee (no fun to be around)
    Hose-B (not to be confused with Jose)
    And Moby Nick (wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if he didn’t weigh over 500 lbs)

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  36. My uncle called me Brittney Spaniel, and still does once in awhile. Obviously there is a dog called Brittney Spaniel. Just to clarify, I do not resemble a dog. Check out my profile if you don’t believe me. Also, my boyfriend called me Stinkfoot for awhile, simply because he does not like feet and does not like when I put them near him.

    Otherwise, I have had SO many nicknames for people.

    Concerned employee = Psycho lady at work who sends anonymous emails to management under the e-mail ‘concernedemployee@gmail.com’ or something, trying to get us in trouble for web surfing all the time. Her efforts have always failed.

    Uncle Fart – My cousin who farts a lot. When I was little I thought he was my uncle, but he wasn’t.

    Skeletor – Squeamishly skinny whore that my ex was cheating on me with.

    Big Willy Style/Tom Selleck – Dad, his first name is William–and he has an astonishing resemblance to Tom Selleck and Bill Buckner.

    Lumberjack Tina or Linebacker – A girl named Tina I hate that could play for the Bears and probably pummel them all.

    Toothless wonder – Any homeless person.

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  37. I stand corrected when I emphasized the ‘SO MANY’…I know I have more but I can’t think of any. Sorry for fooling everyone…

    @ Monica…that’s awesome you use Skeletor too

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  38. Oh, and I call my brother Bubbles for no apparent reason….and my other brother Colon, we call him Colon, and my boyfriend recently called him Colonoscopy.

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  39. His name is Colin…i suck.

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  40. Brittney: Your dad resembles Tom Selleck and is called Big Willy?? GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!!

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  41. “Pussy Hands” – a crack whore on the streets of Cincinnati, who snuck up behind my late buddy Mike while we were walking downtown a few years ago and covered his face with her hands. Yep, he said they smelled just like it, only nastier. Nice.

    “Rotten Pumpkin Head” or “RPH for short” – a woman that Jerry and I worked with who’s face looked just like a carved jack-o-lantern that had remained on someone’s front porch WAY BEYOND it’s prime.

    “Far Side” – a Charleston short-busser who looked like he fell out of the print comic.

    “Bouncing Kizzie” – a black female crack whore who walk very fast and bounced up and down when she walked. Sat down on one of my co-worker’s lap while he was eating lunch on a park bench one day, scaring the living beJeezus out of him.

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  42. Brittney & Monica – We also have had two “Skeletors” here at the office, but they have both moved on. They were both built like a tongue depressor. We also have a “Gigantor” here who weighs about 400 lbs and don’t do shit and bitches a lot.

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  43. When 9/11 happened I was working for a manipulative, undermining woman who was despised by everyone on staff. The terrorist attack brought her a new nickname: Osama Kim Laden.

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  44. I have been the brunt of many a nickname good and bad and have duled a few out as well. I recently got the nick name “Fleet Commander” from some of my co-workers for my extensive online gaming habit. Of course, most of you know why I call my self Shiny Rod but don’t call me shirley.

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  45. Oh, I thought of another one!

    Picket Fence – back in Philly in my early 90s clubbing days we would regularly come across this punk chick who had shaved off her eyebrows and had tattooed in their place two picket fences. I shit you not. And it seemed just about everyone in the 16-25 age bracket knew about her. You could meet up with any random person from South Street to the suburban nightclubs and say “Picket Fence” and they would know who you were talking about. I wonder if she still has them (assuming she’s still alive).

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  46. There was a girl named Adelaide who crapped her pants in elementary school. She was forever known as “Adelaide Poopelade.”

    A guy at work who had a terrible neck twitch was “Ratchet Man”.

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  47. Oh, theres been a few names given over the years,

    LR, for Little Retard (LR when he is in earshot, little retard when I’m ranting about his latest fuck up).He is a short, unwilling to learn/listen troll of a guy at work.

    Skelator. His head looks like the skin is just tightly stretched over the skull with extremly thinned and wispy hair. Something you would probably find after a couple years lying out in the sun at that body farm.

    In highschool one fella we called Squeeky. He was a mousy little guy. He detested the nickname, which of course meant we kept using it. I actually think I saw him at one of my work sites last week. Squeeky immediately popped to mind, and for the life of me I can’t remember his real name. So I kept hush. Too many higherups in earshot for plausable deniability to be effective.

    Gerry Swizzle stick. Cause I never remember his last name which sounded like swizzle stick to me.

    I was called bullets while at school, I’m sure I’m now reffered to simply as asshole, since my nicknames tend to be more to the point.

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  48. Adelaide Poopalaide is awesome.

    We had a guy in our college class who we didn’t really have a nickname for but he was mockable. He wore his lunch bag around his neck, he always wore dress shorts with his socks pulled up all the way with the colored stripes, and he informed me one time that he had chronic dandruff.

    The colored stripes on his socks we called dork-ohms. Just like a resistor you could tell how much of a dork he was that day by the sock color combination.
    It was an electronics class.

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  49. There was a guy in the periphery of my social circle in high school who was know as “Weasel.” (Pre-Pauly Shore era, incidentally). I think he had a nickname mostly because his name was Mark and we already had a bunch of other Marks.

    The main thing I remember about him is that he’d get drunk and try to fight people.

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  50. Alex, I, too, knew a guy at my last place of employment who was nicknamed Swizzlesticks — in this case, Jimmy Swizzlesticks. It was simply because his real name was Jim Misselwitz.

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  51. T-Storm, did you play Edgar in the Men in Black movie? anyone else see the resemblance in the first picture or is it just my warped mind?

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  52. Sigh.
    No I didn’t, but I have heard that before.

    I hope the bullets taste better than the bitterness.

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  53. I earned the not-so-glorious nick name of “Pork Puddle” back when I was 16 and attended my older brother’s friends pig roast/kegger/camp-out.
    I carried that proudly for a few years until I learned to keep the booze down.

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  54. The only nickname I can lay claim to was a new guy who showed up one day at work. He was worthless and I dubbed him OCU, short for “oxygen consumption unit” because that’s about all he was good for. That still gets used a lot to this day when weeding through new people at work.

    A few that I can think of from school that I had nothing to do with…
    Truck-A big girl, also unfortunate looking. (Tyrosine-What PC spin on ugly.)
    Pink Pants-A friend of Trucks who had a menstral accident while wearing white pants
    Marmaduke-A girl in school who, wasn’t the prettiest girl (definitely not the worst) but her father was a teacher and also the single biggest dick ever, we’re talking park ranger levels.
    Well then there’s my buddy Harley who’s Dad happened to have a 175cc on/off AMC Harley Davidson that we used to ride around in the hay field next to his house.

    There’s a girl here at work we call swish-swish, she wears these nylon sweatpants and all day you hear swish swish as she walks. Sort of like Costanza in the corduroy pants.

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  55. Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don’t you take that away, I’m eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn’t it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that’s been hit too much or ain’t been hit enough, I can’t make up my mind. You’re useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.
    [Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
    Edgar: Figures.

    That’s good stuff.

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  56. I went to school with a kid with really, *really* bad eczema and we called him Weetabix, which doesn’t make much sense unless you’re British or Canadian or Australian – in which case it’s hilarious.

    I think he topped himself.

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  57. Oh yeah there was a guy at my first job out of college that we called Running with Hairspray. His hair was so perfect it looked like it would stay the same standing still or in a hurricane.

    I have a friend we call The Professor. It started because he used to grade papers at the bar, it then turned into a bit more derogetory when we found out he was like brainy smurf. You know the guy, the guy who will answer a rhetorical question?

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  58. my nickname is fattie20xl. at my old job it was “lunchbox” … ’cause i’m fat.

    We used to call people stuff like “Slutty McGhee” and “cockbag” at the bar that was my home for a few years….

    Then there was “Chocolate Love”…. a big black guy who’s last name was legitimatly “Love”

    “Woodstock” was this hippy chick that didn’t bathe. or shave her pits.

    “Fagito Fuego” was a dude that was always in semi-homoerotic situations

    “Frankentooth” was a girl in highschool who had HUGE braces. The kind with rubber bands making a cats-cradle thing in the back of her mouth. Poor girl used to get insulted and humiliated daily.

    She wound up getting pregnant at 16, and now she gets beat up a lot. Or something. I dunno. I lost track of her.

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  59. An article that didn’t need writing:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37344482/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

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  60. In college I knew a guy we called Danny the Asshole. I know, breathtaking creativity. Then there was a kid in high school we called Spaceman… he would frequently look around at the sky while grinning, like some kind of retarded Stevie Wonder. That’s about all I gots.

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  61. There was a guy at a place I worked whose friends called “The Colonal”. They would put empty KFC boxes on his desk and stuff like that. Puzzling. Was he inordinately fond of chicken, or what?

    The explanation was: one night at a strip club, one of the dancers had stuck her finger up her hoo ha, and then held it out in front of his face. He then licked her finger.

    I was the recipient of a nickname which I now think is pretty funny. At one of my first jobs, at a fast food place, some of the girls took to calling me “Sleazy”. Later, after we had become friends, I asked them, why Sleazy? They told me when I started working there they had thought I looked like a sleestak. Well, that busted my ego a little, but old pictures from the time of my much skinnier self with my big 80′s glasses show that that nickname was pretty spot-on!

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  62. And Jeff was correct, Jeffindenver and I hadn’t met before.

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  63. Dirty Sanchez: This is our fire brigade assistant commissioner. He got his job by “coming in the back door”. Heh.
    Thrush: Because he’s an irritating C**T.
    Tin Man: This guy has no ticker.
    Passion Fingers: He fucks (up) everything he touches
    Dumper: ‘cos this guy took a dump on the engine room floor one night when he stayed on station after a big night out. He then stepped in it and walked it back to his bed before denying it the next day!

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  64. Hey guys,

    Could this be the reason Jeff will be “unavailable” for a while?

    http://wvgazette.com/ap/ApTopStories/201005260286

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  65. Ed: “hoo ha”………. LOL!

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  66. Has anyone noticed that the further evidence link has been hijacked?

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  67. I used to call a guy at work “Porkchop” because he had those hilarious sideburns that dumbasses think are so cool. Everytime i see somebody with those i laugh my ass off. Also there was a girl in school come kids called “Bulldog” cause she literally had a face that looked like one. Oh and one friend at work we use to call “Herp” cause he had a cold sore once.

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  68. ..

    “Day Bra” – AKA: Debra; I used to work nights at a waste oil refinery. Anyhow we had this corrosive, yappy woman who worked day shift and would hand off her unfinished projects to me to complete in the PM.

    She NEVER finished anything and insisted on constantly talking to her kids and girlfriends all day long at work through her Bluetooth headset. She lived in her own little world, work be damned.

    Management was reluctant to say anything to her, she was EXTREMELY feminist, carried concealed weapons everywhere, and was basically a head case.

    ..

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  69. Me and a guy I use to work with here use to do the name deal. I think now such things will get you fired. I am actually not even going to state any of them here.

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  70. Few nicknames:
    Guy in highschool who couldn’t select an identity (jock, cowboy, rapper, then went to college to be a cop) – Called him “The Village People” and whenever he would walk by at partiesI started singing YMCA

    My brother-in-law had a kid in grade school who pooped his pan to this day (20+ years later) he is still called “Poopus”

    Same town a kid got an apple stuck up his Keister…the whole town now knows him as “Applesauce”

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  71. What did they call it when it was removed, an appledectomy? Seriously, how does one get an apple crammed up one’s tuckus other than manually and with purpose? I’d just like to hear his excuse. At the very least he should be introduced to Jason’s cheese fucker neighbor.

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  72. he slipped?

    or he has a really gross recipe for apple brown betty.

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  73. t-storm: Apple Brown Betty. That’s friggen hilarious, yet now I don’t think I’ll be able to look at that dessert in the same way again. Ah yes, yet another food item ruined on the WVSR. Which is tit for tat at this point since apparently I ruined the Cleveland Indians hot dog mascot(?) for a few peeps on Facebook.

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  74. did you chase it down a hallway?

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  75. What now? I’m speaking of the Smoking Fish sighting Jeff posted to his Facebook page, which I believe was your picture. There’s some confusion about, er, the costume’s accoutrements. Maybe since you were face to face with it you could explain.

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  76. This has nothing to do with anything what so ever, but Comcast sucks. We’ve had our box for not even 2 months and it stopped working Monday night, and the technician was supposed to be there at 430 yesterday. So he drove by our house 4 times, confused, my boyfriend tried to flag him down, which only made him drive away faster, and he never came back. Make sense?

    So now the technician won’t be back until Saturday, and I’m trying to reschedule it for Friday and they won’t. I HATE THEM. Did I receive any compensation for my trouble? No.

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  77. I think this is a good idea for helping with the oil spill, but their main picture just about makes me ill. http://www.matteroftrust.org

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  78. Back-from-the-Dead-Ed = An aquaintance named Ed who passed out drunk outside during a snowstorm (Ottawa in Feb.) at a high school party, got covered in snow and incidentally pee’d on (we didn’t know he was under the snow). We called the ambulance when we found him and by the time they took him away he was looking pretty blue but he survived the ordeal with no permanent damage, in fact after spending the night and getting his stomach pumped he hitchhiked from the hospital back to the party the next morning with no shirt on (the first response workers had cut it off) and started drinking with us again. He became a legend.

    The Shower = a co-worker that would do anything to move up in the company, he forfeited his senority in the union for a temp spot in the office (and eventually had to come back out to do actual labour anyway) I forget how the story got started but eventually it was that this guy would accept a golden shower if it meant a spot in the office.

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  79. Got a really cool guy who works for me in my crew. His name is Aurelius. Honest! I call him Aurelius Insignificus…or just Insignficus.

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  80. My nickname for myself is………….Testicus

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  81. I was called Deb the web snot tot tot in 1969 way before there was a “web” I was called hoggmann because i was chunky and my name was Hoffmann.
    I have a freind named Ed. He is losing his hair everyone was singing Eddie’s using Rogaine… Rogaine….Rogaine… Eddie when the Michael Jackson song came out. Can’t remember the name of the song but Alien Ant Farm remade it.

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  82. smooth criminal.
    My work here is done.

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  83. Just guessing, but assapple might have been trying to become a member of the Apple Dumpling Gang. Their initiation rites are notoriously macabre; also, their gangleader, Apple Betty is a bit of a dominatrix. Mostly on the weekends, but I swear I worked for her once. Didn’t tie my shoelace in three years.

    jtb

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  84. Gretchen –

    That was “Onion.” Onion, Ketchup, and Mustard have a race every game. It’s somewhat retarded, so, just about my speed. We turned around sometime around the 4th inning, and there she was. Thank T-storm for reminding me to print that flyer…

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  85. you have to when two surf reporters meet. one day we’ll all have tattoos and won’t need the flier.

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  86. WTF? Am I the only one who got the tattoo?

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  87. JeffInDenver (InCleveland): No more retarded than the Pirates’ Perogies, though I think Cleveland’s prop department could have probably sprung for more than a glue gun and packing peanuts.

    For racing mascots I prefer the Presidential heads (let Teddy win!) followed by the sausages (I root for the Kraut, of course).

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  88. Jeff and Bill, I can’t waite till we all get together and you guys get to explain some of those nicknames.

    Jonboy, too funny!! That was my families funeral home when I was growing up. We lived upstairs and used to play cowboys and indians and hide in the casket room. Hmmm, maybe Jeff & Bill called me casket girl.

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  89. My co-worker and I refer to another colleague as Auschwitz, given the lethal nature of his gas.

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  90. I can’t believe a major league team such as the Indians, consider ketchup a hotdog topping much less allow it the honor of a position in a race. Ketchup on a hotdog screams “DOUCHE”. Mustard, relish and onion is what God intended for us to put on a hotdog and if you put ketchup on it Jesus punches a kitten in the gut. At least that’s what Grandpa told me, in a bar.

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  91. WB – your Grandpa was right.

    So, who’s going to the next game I get tickets to?

    jeffindenver2 @ yahoo . com

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  92. I’m always late to these things..

    Reading this column about hurtful nicknames made me instantly think of my 6th grade friend, Jerry. There was this devastatingly unattractive, yet well-developed, mildly retarded girl in our class who never wore a bra. Jerry named her “Titty-Flop”
    Still makes me smile some 35 years later..

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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