Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 47
Apparently my eyes can only handle three nights at work with contact lenses suctioned to them. Because every Wednesday I struggle. Everything feels OK at first, then my left eye (almost always the left one) starts howling in protest.
Last night I removed the left lens completely, and put it inside a water-filled Mountain Dew cap. It’s the hillbilly’s eye care accessory…
I have to wear hard lenses, you see, because one of my corneas is shaped like the end of a football — according to a specialist in WV. Who the hell knows? But I have to keep track of my contact lenses, like it’s 1978.
And every time I walked away from my desk last night I was afraid the cleaning crew would come sweeping through there, and toss my soda cap in the garbage. There was just a general sense of unease, if you know what I mean.
For most of the night I was wearing one lens, and it felt like the floor was slightly slanted. Like on the old Batman TV show. And when I woke up this morning my left eye was sealed shut under a thick layer of gloop. I had to practically pry the bitch open.
I won’t be wearing my contacts today. I think my eyes need a rest. When they start putting out gloop, it’s a sign of a problem, I think. Gloop is a message best not ignored. I think it says so in the Bible.
Why do dogs go round and round when they’re getting ready to serve up an order of yard biscuits?
Andy makes me crazy doing that. He paces back and forth across the yard, in his “preparing to shit” posture, finds a place and starts spinning circles. Sometimes he’ll go around twenty times, it seems. And occasionally he’ll pull out of it completely, go find another spot, and start the process all over again.
I don’t get it. One time, many years ago, I decided to find out what all the fuss was about. So, when it was time for a sit-down, I went into the bathroom and starting turning tight circles. Then I got dizzy, stumbled, and got myself wrapped-up in the shower curtain.
OK, that’s not true. It’s a complete fabrication, in fact, but could’ve easily happened. It’s the sort of “experiment” I’ve been known to conduct.
A few days ago, at work, I grabbed a fancy-ass candy cane out of a bowl on someone’s desk. It wasn’t a normal candy cane, like you might buy at K-Mart or wherever. It looked to be some sort of designer cane, manufactured by a snooty, elitist microcane company somewhere. Probably Vermont.
It was orange, and I’m a big fan of candies in the orange family. So, I snapped off a section and popped it into my mouth.
And the freaking thing was cinnamon! It was orange, yet tasted like cinnamon. Man, I don’t care for that. We’re self-governed, in a sense, by a set of unwritten rules. One of them: cinnamon candies are red.
It’s all breaking down!
What’s next? Caffeinated coffee served in a carafe with an orange top? Mustard in the red squeeze bottle?! We can’t have this. We can’t start allowing our agreed-upon principles to erode. It’ll be anarchy! Blood will flow in the streets!!
Man, I’m getting all worked-up about it. What’s your opinion of this? Am I reading too much into it? How would you react to an orange candy cane (already pushing it, right there), that tastes like cinnamon? Good god!
I’m going to submit my book tomorrow, then drink Maker’s Mark. After a few cocktails, I will then attempt to sing along with Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits — the entire album — in a Chinese accent. Yes, those are the top three items on my to-do list for the weekend.
I have a lot more stuff here, but it’s going to have to wait, I guess. I really need to get to the library (li-bary) and get to crackin’ on my so-called novel.
I’ll leave you today with a Quick Question: what’s your favorite Christmas/holiday candy? Is there anything specific that you only enjoy during this time of year?
Mine is Quality Street, which is now being stocked by Wegman’s, thank you very much. It’s generally hard to find in these parts, but pops up around the holidays every year. Mmmm… now that’s some good shit.
So, specific candies, or snacks of any sort… Store-bought stuff only, please. Do you have anything on this? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys next time, maybe a Sunday quickie. We’ll see how it goes.
Have a fantastic day, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
Me!!
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Well, if it must be store bought, then I would say the nuts and chews from See’s my folks send us every year. Gotta keep that thing on the opposite side of the house from me, or I’d eat it one sitting.
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top 5!!!
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Yay!! I haven’t been in the top 10 for months. now to go back & read!!
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Yule log.
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Circus Peanuts and Jim Beam get my thing hard!
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Yours has been mistaken for a circus peanut, Toffee, peanut brittle, and smidgens make my nipples explode with delight.
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Wally’s is orange slices candy and beer. Mine is the chocolate orange thing that breaks apart into sections.
The orange cinnamon flavored candy cane would have pissed me off too!
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Someone here at work brought that kind of fancy candy cane in last year – no one trusted them, and they were still hanging out in the canister 6 months later…
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sponge candy.
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Not so much candy, but anything from Hickory Farms, and Christmas is the only time of year I’ll eat it. They have a butter-flavored soft, spreadable cheese that’s killer!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………
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I think I just relaxed my pelvic floor muscles reading further evidence.
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Someone sent me a box of See’s Chocolates yesterday. A supplier or somebody. Anyway, we ate that bitch last night. The whole thing. That’s my new favorite Christmas candy. Damn them’s some good bon bons.
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I like that peppermint ‘bark’ stuff that emerges this time of year. I also like to bite the heads off of little chocolate santas and run around the house screaming “I’m Ozzy I’m Ozzy” until the neighbors call the cops.
The topic of conducting “experiments” got me to thinking of the years I spent “experimenting” with recreational drugs. looking back on that time now, I realize that my experimental method was quite flawed: I would basically take the same drugs over and over and over again, expecting some novel outcome. I have since learned that this is actually some people’s definition of insanity.
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damn, I got a little ahead of myself and clicked submit.
By coincidence, one of my lenders today dropped off a box o’ chocolates. My policy is to share with the office staff and salespeople.
It was like a pack of wolves descending upon a fallen deer. Elbows were flying, jostling for position. Someone may have growled and snapped their teeth. Sheer pandemonium. (only exaggerating slightly).
Top of the box came off and that shit was gone. I got one cherry cordial out of the whole deal.
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Like Mrs. Wally, I like the chocolate orange things…nothing else. It’s the only time of year I will eat chocolate or any other candy for that matter.
I have only worn one contact lens since 1986. I switch it from eye to eye every six hours or so. It makes driving at night challenging. You see two sets of every light.
On IPOD right now- “Black Gold”- Soul Asylum
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Wow…Further evidence is unbeilevable, I think I would of let the piss fly. Prolly a little easier to clean up. And whoever heard of a pee bottle? I guess it was a body builder site, those guys are a bit strange.
Anyway I think I’ve said this before, Esther Price candies rule. After years of practice I can pick out the prime pieces in an 18 oz. box in a matter seconds!
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Does anyone remember that hard as shit ribbon candy that always came out around this time of year ?The stuff would cut the roof of your mouth.
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I really like Ribbon Candy. It is getting harder and harder to find. You can only get it during hte holidays now. Grandmother ate chocolate covered cherries every Christmas season. Every time I see them I think of her.
And yes, candy should be color coded. I’m not a fan of grape, if I picked up orange and it was grape I would be a very unhappy camper.
I’m with you on the contact thing. I’ve been having problems with mine for about6 months. Been going to the eye doc about every 6 weeks and they keep changing them but doesn’t seem to work. Maybe it’s a WV thing. We should take a class pole and see.
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I’m a big fan of marzipan bars at Christmas. I can’t remember who makes them but they’re imported from The Netherlands and they taste like awesome.
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I don’t think I have any favorite store-bought Christmas candy, unless you count a Santa-shaped Snicker’s Bar.
check out http://www.sketchysantas.com
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Maybe the candy wasn’t orange. Maybe it was one of those “fancy” color names the hippie crowd often attaches to their wares. Like “Sienna Wind” or some such crap. Ergo they thought they could get away with making it cinnamon, since it wasn’t really “orange”. Yep, 10 to 1 hippies are behind your gustatory disconnect.
On a side note, I had a reaction to a flu shot yesterday. I was all lined up to get the regular seasonal version, followed by the H1N1, but when they jabbed me with the seasonal I immediately got itchy and broke out in a rash. The nurse promptly lost her shit and the next thing I know I was bent over the exam table receiving a benadryl shot in the butt. That sort of staved off the worst of the whole throat tightening-wheezing crap that accompanies an allergic reaction, though I still feel like I was hit by a bus today. I’m also not allowed to get the H1N1 vaccine now. Sigh, back to obsessive hand washing and virginal sacrifices to the gods, I guess.
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I like the part in today’s Further Evidence when his date (who he said was Asian, so probably a petite little thing) grabs a knife from the kitchen drawer and tells him to leave. I suppose if someone you recently met goes into your bathroom, turns on the shower, gets naked, shits and pisses all over the floor and in the tub, and caps it all off by overflowing your toilet, it probably is time to arm yourself with a knife, ’cause something isn’t quite right with your guest.
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I hope its a lesson learned for Jeff regarding pooping in public restrooms. Though maybe now he’s considering the pee bottle solution. (Just kidding, Jeff!)
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I need to check out the guy’s “social anxiety thread,” to see what the pee bottle is all about. But I betcha it has something to do with him being psychologically unable to pee at a urinal, so he probably carries a bottle with him so he doesn’t have to use the public bathroom. He must sneak into a closet or something, and wizz in his pee-bottle.
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Gretchen –
Be sure to file the VAERS report:
http://vaers.hhs.gov/esub/index
Vaccine reactions are underreported
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Thanks, Lee Harvey. I had no idea.
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Gretchen…
Wow. I’m glad you’re O.K.
I instantly was reminded of this.
Woman Disabled by Flu Shot Reaction
Oct 13, 2009 … She’s a Washington Redskins cheerleader and an avid runner. Her life changed forever on August 23 when she says she got a seasonal flu shot …
http://www.myfoxdc.com/…/101309_woman_disabled_by_flu_shot_reaction_dystonia
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Well jeez. Now I’m paranoid this is gonna happen to me. I thought those sorts of reaction occurred immediately after a flu shot, not days down the road.
(
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Dogberryjr, I’m with you all the way. See’s nuts & chews. I could eat an entire box of those bastards in one sitting. And, for some reason, we only eat them at Christmas and Valentine’s Day. WTF? There’s a See’s across the street from my bank and, as luck would have it, I’m about to leave to go to the bank! I’m thinking there is See’s in my future!
Happy Thursday, Surfers!
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sorry for the bad link.
But the story ends on a happy note. After several doctors said it was a lost cause, one specialist had seen it before, started treatment, and now she’s almost back to A-1.
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Box-o-chocolates of damn near any kind will do.
And YES…Cinnamon should only be red!
MEN, let’s not forget our PEE BOTTLES during the holidays.
PEE BOTTLES?? WTF??
Some tree stand ensconced deer hunters use pee bottles but again…WTF?
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The A&P “Master Choice” division used to come out with these tins of cookies “European Biscuits” I think they were called that were so good my eyes rolled back while eating them. I haven’t seen them in 2 years now and I’m getting itchy just thinking about this by-gone product. I think I’ll write a letter to the A&P.
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Rum balls made with dark chocolate, especially the kind that are so saturated that they practically ooze liquor.
I won’t turn my nose up at Baumkuchenspitzen, Dominosteine, or Mozartkugeln either.
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Gretchen: Shit! That’s crazy! My mother used to get deathly ill from flu shot’s her doctor insisted upon. Glad you are feeling better. Can’t be sick for Santa!
Jeff….The whole dog poop dance is an amazing show, isn’t it? I have two pugs. Now my male pug has to poop under a tree/bush, with one leg resting on a telephone pole or a fence of some sort AFTER doing several turns in one spot. But he’s reliable….3-4 twirls and we have a pile. However, my female pug will trick you into thinking she has found the perfect spot. Twirl, twirl, twirl….nope…moving on & on & on. I wait in the freezing cold, poised to pick up the steaming pile with my plastic baggie…..and FINALLY after 4-5 teasers…we have two little rabbit turds. WTF? That’s it? Gawd, I can just kick them off the curb!
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My favorite Christmas treat is toffee covered with chocolate and covered in nuts…heh..
I cannot eat anything cinnamon flavored….. gum, candy, whatever. It makes my tongue feel like sandpaper and alters the taste of everything for a few days. Weird.
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We really love the Texas pecan toffee from Susie’s South Forty Confections. Mmmmmmmm.
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I once saw a dog trying to pinch a loaf and he was continually “prairie dogging”, had to be 50 times. Bet that’s how Elvis died.
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Wait, was the turn prairie dogging or the dog? And what exactly does that entail (humor a east coast gal)?
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turn = turd
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maybe the pee bottles are because their units have shrunken due to steroid usage.
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Vaccines!! Don’t get me started…mY brother is paralyzed from the waist down from a flu vaccine leading to Guillan-Barre syndrome. He was 20, a runner, just a good kid…now he is wheelchair bound for life. Serious shit. We avoid those shots like the plague. just get the flu..I promise you will live longer. They still put mercury in the flu shots…all of them.
off my soapbox now…I will have to try the Sees Candies…would they sell those at say a Walgreens??
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Gretchen – glad they were able to cure your hives and whatnot. skeery.
and I think prairie dogging = crowning, and the dog was crowning a turd, right Bill in WV?
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Precisely Alice!
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Thanks for the clarification Alice. And sorry about your brother, Casey. I’m about ready to prairie dog a turd myself here if anyone else writes in about post-vaccine paralysis. Jeebus, no more flu shots for me!
Hey Alice, get your tooth fixed yet?
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Jeff & Amigos:
Cookies made with an absurd quantity of butter. Only at Christmas, but such a nice treat.
Gretchen:
I know you had a terrible experience, were em-bare-assed, bent over an exam table, began to breathe with difficulty, and, in fact, nearly died, but that leaves a question:
You know some virgins?
jtb
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nope. but nice way to change the subject. let’s focus on my half-toof nubbin.
Still hoping the dentist calls me with a cancellation even tho I hate like hell to get that kind of work done. the drilling noise, etc. makes me nutty. I take a xanex before but I really just need to be knocked out.
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John: yeah, but he’s gay. Dunno if that will quell the flu gods’ wrath or not.
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OK, as a member of the WVSR healthcare staff I have to tell you I recommend you get vaccinated.
There are risks to vaccinces, and if you’re unsure about them consult your physician. Whatever you do, don’t believe the internet.
More pople die from the flu every year than have adverse vaccine reactions and H1N1 is unusual because it goes after people who generally don’t die from the flu.
Go check out the website for the Centers for Disease Control. It’s accurate and trustworthy.
For the record, every member of my household was vaccinated for seasonal and H1N1 flu.
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Gretchen,
Yeah, I suspected virtins were hard to find.
I’m glad you recovered, I’m sorry you feel like a buscrash vic and I’m happy you didn’t die. This part of the world would be less interesting without you (and your gay, virgin friend).
This particular reaction to seasonal influenza vaccine is a little unusual. Did you notice any shellfish or sushi in the syringe?
jtb
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Damn damn damn. That should, perhaps, be virgins. Virtins were long ago hunted to extinction in Wisconsin and southern Manatoba. shit.
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For the record, I don’t think I was close to death or anything. I suppose it’s possible it could have developed into full-blown anaphylactic shock, but I doubt it. I don’t want to play the game of “ifs” anyway. I happen to be one of those people prone to allergic reactions to drugs and this was just another one of those times, it appears. And hopefully nothing insane will happen down the road. But thanks, all, for your well wishes. I appreciate them.
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Prairie dogging? I thought the term was “turtleheading”
2 Geriatric male dogs: 1 with diabetes, one a frame for tumors. Take FOREVER to find a spot to pee/poop – as if it’s their last deposit on earth. Which it easily could be.
Neither dog ever learned how to lift it’s leg to pee. Maybe it was the excessive pee bottle usage when they were younger.
Update on yesterday’s Certificate of Appreciation with “Insert Your Name Here”:
TODAY I got a personalized version – with my name filled in, though still in pdf format. I guess after posting to the WSVR someone realized how ridiculous it was and sent out a thousand personalized ones. Productivity at work.
Vacation starts tomorrow!
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Walkers Crisps engineered a tectonic shift here about a decade ago by changing salt and vinegar from blue packets to green and cheese and onion from green to blue. (WTF!!)
This violated certain fundamental principles of balance, and the world teetered on the brink of disaster for a while and to my mind has never really recovered.
Time has passed, but at a basic level it still feels wrong. Very wrong.
Christmas chocolate, – Toblerone ( that pallete gouging confectionary!), Terry’s Chocolate Orange, Gold coins, Matchmakers.
Through the cans just now- ‘Them Crooked Vultures’
I saw them on Tuesday night in Edinburgh, and it was the best gig I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to a lot of gigs! Truly awesome.
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If you have ever been driving along the highway and seen a plastic two liter bottle that appears to be filled with Mountain Dew regardless of the label, you’ve seen a trucker’s pee bottle.
This is why I never volunteer for one of those “adopt a highway” programs. That, and I’m lazy as hell.
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Thanks a bunch! you have the entire fambly singing: dont cum round here no more stupid white boy while squinting! followed up by Flee Fouring!
How come red & green M&M’s taste so much better?
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I have football-shaped corneas too. I wore hard contacts for years… until my doctor advised me to switch to glasses because the contacts had made my corneas “wavy”. And what’s worse than WAVY CORNEAS?! What am I a potato chip??
Hard contacts are pretty much suction cups which interfere with oxygen exchange. Most likely, your contacts are gas-permeable (not hard… like they used to be; the ones I had).
What’s wrong with glasses, Jeff? How vain are you?
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Quick translation: walkers crisps=Lays potato chips cheese&Onion being a particularly Excellent flavor that we don’t get to share!
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Ian,
Man, that’s drawing three aces. I didn’t know Them Crooked Vultures was on tour. Are they just hanging out in smallish Scottish villages? I certainly hope so. At least that would maintain the purity of their sound. Sort of like Local Hero meets Keith Moon.
It’s hard to know, with the swoosh and sway of time, what seeing those guys means in the scheme of things. I thought seeing Mr.Hendrix was something I could have done any time, but I chose to see him in 1968 in Seattle. One never knows.
I just bet those three guys (and whoever they bring along for support) burn down the house. It’s as British as tea, and as American as John Paul Jones.
now playing on the Sony Discman: Going to California by John Paul Jones
jtb
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Had to google the dog poop question because I have often wondered about this myself and I get tired of standing out in the rain. Found this answer but I will say I was disappointed. I was hoping for something more interesting like they had to wind up their intestines first.
“There are at least two thoughts on why dogs circle before defecating or urinating, says Tony Kremer, a veterinarian and dog behavior expert who runs a Web site, DrTony.com. One reason, Kremer says, is to “scan the terrain for predators so they don’t get ‘caught with their pants down.’” Dogs also use their keen sense of smell to know who was there before. “They may be [homing] in on just the right spot to mark with their scent,” he adds. There’s no harm in indulging this behavior, other than standing around in the elements waiting for your dog to find a spot she likes.”
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Poop-Doggie-Dog only spins in the confines of the back yard. In the meadow/ field or out on the trail, she’s a squat and go. I agree with the predator thing. I picked up on that from Stanley the Grey Dog years ago.
Perfect alabi for em[ty beer cans rolling around in the truck…pee bottles.
Got wacked with benedryl about six months ago. Pulse went to 30 and when they found a BP it was 80 over 60…white as the sheet they were going to pull over my face.
Music is in order…Happy times to all!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foybsDsn5hk&feature=related
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Jeff, Thanks for the Bunker Cam shots. I use them to rotate my desktop. Some people have their kids, but I have ugly dogs standing in (on?) cheesburgers, people dressed up as cows and now Martians addressing the U.N. circa 1968. Merry Christmas.
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Alice, I feel for ya. I have the same problem with dentists. For some reason, Novocaine does not get me completely numb, plus I cannot stand the sound of the drill.
A few years ago I needed a root canal (front tooth), plus a crown on a back tooth which requires all matter of drilling, grinding the tooth down to a stump to mount the crown on top of.
Found a sedation dentist. First, they give you a large intravenous shot of Valium (like two ounces), then put you to sleep and do the work while you are out. Woke up feeling like I just did a kilo of heroin. $3,300.00 cash on the barrel head and worth every cent.
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I know it’s not really a candy but I love peppermint stick ice cream. It’s only sold this time of year. It always reminds me of Christmas.
Alice, I am no fan of the dentist. In fact I even know WHY I can’t stand to go to the dentist. When I was a kid my mother used to take me to Dr. Boone. He was always loaded and smelled like bourbon..(at least he had good taste). He drilled when I wasn’t fully numbed and even drilled into the nerve. The sound of a drill terrifies me!
One of the batched root canals I had ended up having to be cut out of my gum. The dentist (Dr. Topp I think) put me to sleep and when I woke up I told Mr.Man that someone had been snoring and it woke me up. He informed me that I was the one snoring and that the entire waiting area could hear me. Too bad I couldn’t have managed a few loud farts to go with it. My motto is…If you’re going to embarrass yourself you might as well go all out.
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I had a botched root canal too and lost the tooth. Plus I had a dentist as a kid who once said to me, “Pain elevates one to a higher level.” They’re all fucking sadists as far as I’m concerned.
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Wally has been scarred for life by quack job dentists. Both civilian and military. I hate the drill noise, and am hard to get all the way numb. We both swear by sedation dentistry. I highly recommend it!
Drinking boxed red wine and watching trash TV. Cheers!
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I have a crazy case of the insomnia. So I’m going to comment and then go back and read the other comments. It’s 3:00am where I’m at. Shit.
I feel you, brother, on the orange candy. My mother used to make these things called “sausage balls”. They were good but she won’t give me the recipe. It involved Bisquick and Jimmy Dean sausage and who the fuck knows what else. One day I came in and had one of he “sausage balls” which she’d layed on a platter. They looked like chocolate chip cookies. Imagine my surprise / disgust when I bit into a chocolate chip cookie that tasted like sausage and cheese.
I’m a big fan of the Cadbury Eggs that come out around Easter. I just recently found out that the Easter bunny was a steaming pile of shit. That was a kick in the balls. But I can’t get away from those chocolate eggs with fake yolks and whites. God. Those are wonderful.
Also, I love cheese. But not in the way that most of you perverts think. I had some cheese in Ireland once and I’ve been hooked ever since. Now they sell a knockoff at the grocery store called Dubliner or somesuch. I love that shit. It’ll make you slap your mamma.
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Is it just me or does the Quality Street tin look like it should be full of drugs? I’ve never seen that brand before but if I ever do I’ll have to get some because that package tells me I’m going to have fun with what’s inside.
I’ve always been frustrated with the flavor color coding system. Even when people do things right, there are too many flavors for the colors. Nothing was worse as a kid than biting into a yellow gumball and getting a rush of banana flavor. Yuk!
As for my favorite holiday treats, I’m hooked on Hickory Farms. It’s horribly overpriced, minute packages of artificial cheese spread. Logically, there should be nothing appealing about that but I still long for it every year.
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I think I made myself clear on the flu shots before—NO fucking way! I don’t trust anything the gubmint is involved in creating, much less something they want to inject inside me.
Urine bottles- how do they get deer to piss in those little bottles they sell at Walmart for hunters to use ? Is it someone’s job to coax the deer above the bottle?
Who’s 14-0? Colts, baby, the Colts!
On IPOD right now- “Aloha From Hell”- The Cramps
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Hershey’s has come out with candy cane kisses in the last few years. I LOVE them!
I’m a big fan of white chocolate, so the peppermint bark that is around this time of year is my downfall, but it’s got to be a good white chocolate, like Godiva’s. Fantastically smooth and creamy.
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@Jason –
See the sausage ball recipe at:
http://cooking.consumerhelpweb.com/comfortfoods/bisquick-sausage-balls.htm
It’s basically just a mixture of these three ingredients:
2 cups Bisquick
10 oz. shredded cheese (easier than block cheese)
1 pound sausage
Hand-mix the ingredients, roll the mixture into little balls, and then bake them at 350 for 20min
I remember having these just about every year at Christmas when I was growing up, and you just reminded me of how much I miss them. I’m going to make a batch this year, dagummit!
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I think dogs circle before they shit because they’re looking for toilet paper but can’t find it. That would explain why they do the scooch-pooch across the linoleum kitchen floor after they come back in the house. Heh.
My Mom used to buy Moritz Ice Cubes (chocolate squares) every year for me around Christmastime and I loved them — they would soften up at room temperature so they were probably loaded with oil. Also, there was always some kind of Summer Sausage sampler from Hickory Farms in the refrigerator. Haven’t had either of those in a long time. This year it’s going to be deer jerky (sorry Jeff, I know it’s homemade) and Old Milwaukee.
Flu shots — never got one, probably never will.
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Sausage balls…he he
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R.B.: No reason to put a Hickory Farms product in the fridge. They’re so loaded with preservatives, you could leave ‘em open at room temperature for months and they’d remain mold-free. You never have to worry about botulism or salmonella when it comes to Hickory Farms — you just have to worry about cancer 20 years later from the chemical preservatives.
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Jeff, you’ve probably seen this Slate story on the Replacements, but just in case you haven’t.
http://www.slate.com/id/2238832/
Have a great weekend!
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AWG: I’m with you. The seasonal flu shot, as well as the pig-flu shot, is a government conspiracy to give us all a drug that alters our brains so that we become complacent sheep and they can then establish the New World Order with no objections from the populace. “So you want to merge all of North American into a single country? Hey, no problem, ‘American Idol’ is on TV tonight, and I’m gonna vote twenty times for the cute chick.”
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That’s why I’m feverish today, my mind is resisting the Borg collective.
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Hickory farms is Soylent Green!
On the Ipod right now: Cartman: “Kyles Mom is a bitch”
Now thats Christmas music!!!
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My favourite Christmas treat is shortbread cookies.
These vaccination conspiracy theories remind me of the Nine Inch Nails Year Zero alternate reality game.
From Wiki:
“The Year Zero story takes place in the United States in the year 2022; or “Year 0″ according to the American government, being the year that America was reborn. The United States has suffered several major terrorist attacks, and in response the government has seized absolute control on the country and reverted to a Christian fundamentalist theocracy. The government maintains control of the populace through institutions such as the Bureau of Morality and the First Evangelical Church of Plano, as well as increased surveillance and the secret drugging of tap water with a mild sedative.”
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K-Dust- they planned a TV series on that game, but I guess it fell through. It’s interesting, as I am interested in all things NIN, but I am guessing they scrapped that idea along the line due to “too much reality”. We only get the lameass reality shows.
On IPOD right now- “Lies, Lies, Lies”- Ministry
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
a few updates ago the subject was “Holiday Bonuses”. I just had to share this. About an hour ago my boss handed my a plain white business envelope containing a check in the very low 4 figures.
I’m still a little bit in shock.
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I’m more likely to believe that we are headed for an Idiocracy. I can’t be the only one who has noticed how murky the gene pool has become.
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Brynhildr-A quick trip to any Wal Mart would confirm your position to any doubters.
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Congrats, JCIII!!!
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Cadbury Mini Eggs! They came out with a round Christmas ornament version a few years ago but they’re not as good as the pastel egg-shaped ones for some reason.
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Swami – yeah, that stuff is definitely chock full of all kinds of bad stuff. I’m probably well-preserved myself just from eating that stuff as a kid. I hope at least my liver is.
Snow in the forecast for Western PA tonight and tomorrow. I was dreaming of a different kind of White Christmas though.
Have a kickass weekend, Surf Reporters….
On the living room stereo: “Demona” — Dead Moon
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I too suffer from Keratoconus, but 20 years ago I said eff the hard contacts and have squinted my way through life.
JK- Now there is a procedure called “eye splints” that are basically a tit-job for your eyes and make your corneas nice & round. If you start complaining about headaches, irritated eyes , rectal warts and what not your health plan might cover it.
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Quality Street? It’s just Nestle chocolate Jeff in fancy pants packaging for the snooty British crowd. Nestle, the same fine institution that brought us the 3rd World Infant Formula Scandals in the 80′s and the e Coli tainted Cookie dough lawsuits this year.
I don’t buy Nestle anything.
Screw the Swiss!
Complicit in selling/holding European Jew’s gold and artwork in collaboration with the Nazis and the whole time declaring themselves NEUTRAL.
Ya right….
But they do have a fine Immigration policy that the US would be wise to borrow.
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Jeezum Crow, I go on a little respite and when I get back surf reporters are talking about murky gene pools, Jew Gold, Nazi’s and bad Swiss chocolate. On the good note, I’ve completed all my classes for my concentration. My boss is retiring 12/31/2009 and I have been named Acting Director, Network Management until they can post the position and given the state budget, that won’t be anytime soon. Other than that life sucks and I have been down with a bad cold since last Thursday.
Bryn – See what happens when I act my age.
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If you like Quality Street you should try Roses. Please pick out all the purple ones and mail them to me.
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Congrats, Shiny Rod. And I hope you feel better soon.
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@Slugmama Please forgive me for defending the snooty British crowd (into which I was happily born!)But Quality Street is a product of Rowntree Mackintosh a candy maker who’s origins are older than America! & while they may now be owned by Nestle they are sure as Hell a different product. In fact Jeff is merely continuing his pleasure in good British Beer, good British chocolate and good British vacations! No wonder he feels so at home in the Yuppie Pub:)
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@Shiny Rod, My wife just yelled at me because we are late for a neighbor’s Christmas Party and I was able to honestly respond: “Do you mind? I’m communicating with the Acting Director, Network Management I’ll be down in a minuite!!” Heh Heh!
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Good Evening Surf Reporters…..
Not too long ago, I just won an on line poker tournament for the first time.
Things are looking up!
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Pagan – and that is why I have no… never mind.
Gretchen – I will feel even better when the $$$ match the position.
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Hey JTB!
I just had to go, like you say ‘you never know’.
( now there’s a rock lyric for you!)
I think its a world tour.
FYI, Edinburgh’s a bit bigger than a village!
- check out ‘the Edinburgh Festival’
The sound was shit hot. I hope they release a live album.
I hope you were joking me when you said that John Paul Jones was American.
The first one was as Scottish as a tartan heart attack.
The second one, who is a better bass player but is hopeless at forming navies, is fairly English, in a good way though.
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I just went to Toys-R-US (or fucking hell as some call it) for the second time this week. My little girl wants Santy to bring her a pink car that she can drive. I got one home yesterday and when I went to put it together it was missing the wheels. So I took it back and we opened several others and the only one that had wheels also happened to be one of the mose expensive. A pink Barbie Cadillac Escalade that has a working radio and God knows what else. About $350. Shit.
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Jason – you’ve been had
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I feel like I made a good deal. I usually don’t tell people how much I pay for things (clothes, cars, houses, etc) because there’s always someone there to say, “What? You coulda got it for (whatever amount) right across the street!” Then I obsess over. So anything I buy is a “good deal”.
But I think you’re right, Alice in WV, Toys-R-Us took me in and showed me the exact length and width of the shaft. But it was a good deal. KnowwhatImean?
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I was wondering if they took the wheels out of the other boxes, is all I meant. I’m sure if your little girl is smiling and happy, it’ll be a great, great deal! I always feel like I spend too much then our little un says something like, “I love my life.”
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I know what you meant, I was just kidding. For all I know they really did take all the wheels outta the other ones. I have buyer’s remorse a lot. I think it’s a disease or something.
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A hundred and FIRST !!!!
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where’s stuart? i gotta apologize for acting like a dick. even tho i didn’t mean to…but thats the way it happens…I’ll say something and someone will say ‘stop being a dick.’ and I’ll be like, ‘i was being a dick?’
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Ian,
Yeah, parallel construction gets me into trouble from time to time. The most “American” things about John Paul Jones included his last name which, having predated the USA, was colonial North Carolinian, his rank of Captain in the Colonial (not U.S.) Navy, and his burial place.
Hell, and that’s just the bass player.
American culture lays claims to ownership of most things cool. The most common verbal expression of that lust is the phrase “…as American as apple pie”. Don’t know whether that has permeated Europe, but it’s just as true as saying JPJ was American, when his birthplace was in bonnie Scotland and most of his exploits occured before the USA existed.
The facts don’t stop residents of the United States of America from claiming both. Don’t know whether the story/legend of John Chapman has landed on your shores…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Appleseed
So, as a minor student of Amerian history, I was kidding about both JPJs, but be aware that this forum is full of Torries and whilst they’ll concede you JPJ’s birthplace, they’ll claim his heart, mind, and ass.
jtb
.
.
Chuck:
Stop being a dick.
(OK, kidding; I’ve never seen you write anything but nice, gentlemanly posts but if we’re all jumping on you today, who am I to pass up a good dogpile?
jtb
now playing on the Sony Discman: Come Back to Us Barbara Lewis, Hare Krishna Beauregard by John Prine.
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Ian,
While Edinburgh is a city and not a village, Hurlford, a mile or so east of Kilmarnock, IS a village. It is the birthplace of my Grandpa, Jack (John) Spence Culbert, after whom I am named, although his baptismal records are in Kilmarnock itself.
I just imagined Them Crooked plalying in an idyllic village like Ferness, or Errol, or Hurlford. The vision suited the romantic in me.
Way down inside as JPJ II and the boyz sing.
jtb
.
.
.
Chuck,
Stop being a dick.
Love, jtb
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Chuck,
Don’t be a whistle dick.
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Ok…if nobody else will….I will.
http://www.bachelorette.com/sixpacofpecw.html
Never underestimate the courage in a bottle of wine!
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I’m…speechless.
=8^-)
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AngryWhiteGuy – if you want to use one eye, but don’t want a contact, you’re in luck. The Monocle is making acomeback.
http://www.express.co.uk/ourcomments/view/147311/Monocles-are-back-in-fashion-gentlemen
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Where’d everybody go?
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Is this a Twilight Zone episode? Am I the last Surf Reporter left on earth? Will the WVSR homepage forever show a too-colorful tin of Quality Street candies, the date to always remain December 17, 2009? Hello? Hellooooooooo……..
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Looks like I have this place to myself, then. I think I’ll get naked, raid the fridge for Yuenglings, sit my fat bare ass down in the living room and fire up the Big Fucking TV, and power-fart into Jeff’s cushions. Ahhh, yeah, this is livin’.
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I’m here Swami and I’ve been wondering the same thing. Jeff, don’t tease us with a new bunker cam and then not give us an update. You are required to give me my free entertainment, Damnit! At least drop us a note so we’re not left here waiting and wonder…crying softly to ourselves in a curled up fetal position.
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URRRRRPPPPP. ‘Scuse me.
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Damn, how’d you get in here, SeaninSac? I gotta put my pants back on now. Don’t look at the package, please, not much to see anyway. Can I get you a Yuengling while I’m out here in the kitchen?
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
I’m here too Swami. Just looking for an update….and wher’s my damn box scores?!?!
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I’ve been lurking, too. waiting, just waiting…
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Swami and JCIII– I saw the door was off its hinges so decided to drop in for a beer or ten… I just got back from a work xmas party. Iron City, Yuengling and Straub were all consumed. This place is pretty dead; more internet provider issues, or just the holiday rush fucking things up?
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Where all the white wimmen at?
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Did I hear we’re drinking all Jeff’s lager for scrooging us out of an update? Pass me a cold one Swami and thanks for putting you’re pants back on.
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Yessir, WB — there’s hell to pay in the form of stolen beer when a bunch of thirsty Surf Reporters get a lump o coal in their stockings.
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I’m gonna go try out Jeff’s new toilet….
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Hey WB – going back to your Walmart comment earlier. I was in one of their fine establishments this weekend and had an epiphany when an old lady rammed my cart head on because as she said, “Sweetie, you’re blocking the aisle.” WTF?!? I was not! She was just too lazy to step 4 feet to the right to go around a clothing display rack. Plenty of other pathways in the area not being used. She thought it was within her rights to shove my cart back onto my feet and out of her way. Chain-smoking, 1972-bouffant-having, one-pack-this-side-of-emphysema, trailer-park-living, old bitch! And don’t fucking call me “Sweetie”! How does a Walmart shopper develop such a sense of entitlement?
And then it hit me — this is how a fist fight gets started in the Walmarts.
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Yea, the manners I see at Walmart are about one step away from a prison exercise yard.
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JCIII..re: box scores. Scott Boras…2. (Cora and Pudge) Bay, Damon Holliday…0
Mariners…4, Cubs 0 and Plillies tied with Halliday while giving up Lee. Bradley vs Silva was an amazing deal. Mariners get bonus points for that one. Fuck Bradley’s attitude…he can play!
Hey…I’m up here on the third floor. Any one know how this Guitar Hero thing works?
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Damon [comma] Holliday…shit! Do they make a wine version of O’Douls?
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…damn thing won’t flush…
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Does anyone know where I can buy a belt buckle that has mistle toe on it?
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Jason, why don’t you just get a tattoo of mistletoe on your belly?
(Worked for Mr.Man, might work for you too.)
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Great idea Blonde Goddess. But I already have a yellow caution sign that has that curvy arrow thing pointing down.
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And yea an angel appeared unto them and said: “Sweetie, you’re blocking the aisle.” there are 3 wise men trying to get through here & they only have 3 items or less!
In the spirit of Christmas I just bought my kid “Little Drummer boy Hero” Rup a bum bum:)
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getting a little worried…
I’m about ready to start checking the on line Wilkes-Barre/Scranton obits
He doesn’t call, doesn’t write
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No update…I go to his house and the door is wide open, all the beer is gone, there is a huge turd in the toilet and the house smells like salami and rotten onions. WTF??? i am calling the police.
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DTO – If you know how to play guitar yer screwed. If not you can probably figure it out. AND there is non-alc wine out there but it tastes like crap. The Welches non-alc bubbly ain’t too bad though.
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Welchez…Welch’s…Wellcheezze
Welch’s…yea, that’s it.
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Brynhildr and others who find Wal Mart one step away from the prison exercise yard-A couple of young men recently started a web site to document the stranger side of the Mart of Wal. It’s sometimes funny other times a little disturbing. If anything it will kill a little time til Jeff gets back.
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
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Hopped on to see if a late update appeared…WTH? Gettin’ the shakes here, Jeff….where you be? It’s been pretty entertaining tho. Getting a little worried about Swami…drinking alone while nude & power-farting. Hey, Swami…do you do parties?
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Hey Jason….here you go!….
http://www.mistlebuckle.com/
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Just stopped in to read the update – people passed out all over the place (one naked), toilet overflowing, loud music coming from the 3rd floor, everything smelled like stale farts, no sign of Jeff, empty bottles everywhere and some guy standing on the front porch with a Mistletoe belt buckle (and nothing else) holding a sign saying “I Fuck Cheese” and screaming “Where all the white wimmen at?”
Called the police and organized a search party for Jeff.
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Brynhildr – how did you respond to the “Chain-smoking, 1972-bouffant-having, one-pack-this-side-of-emphysema, trailer-park-living, old bitch”?
DTO – I wanna play Guitar Hero, too.
Somebody needs to throw a blanket over Jason.
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Even the Romans would blush at this sight. I didn’t know humans were capable of such debauchery.
Whoever started using the grapefruit half on the coffee table as an ashtray – fuck you. I searched for some butts that were still smokable and found one that still had about an inch of cigarette left on it. I lit it up and I guess it had soaked up some of the grapfruit juice. Now I can barely breath, my throat burns, and I can’t see out of my left eye.
There’s half a can of green beans sitting atop the toilet tank with a spoon sticking out of it. Who did that?
There’s some guy and some girl laying face down in the back yard. He’s wearing business socks and that is all. She’s wearing an indian headdress and that is all.
I’m gettin the hell outta here.
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Farty: Please remind your alter-ego that we’re still waitin’ for those penis pictures, please.
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I think we may have taken it a little too far. So far not even the sightest hint of an update coming. Toney probably thew his computer away when she saw the mess Jeff’s invisible “friends” made of their house. Anybody see a pair of size 12 Redwings anywhere?
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Might as well check out the bunker! What’s this?… Oh God… the bunker cam. The bunker cam pictures are REAL.
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Alice — it probably doesn’t matter what I said. She wouldn’t have been able to hear me above the rustling of her windbreaker or the sound of her pink-double-knit-polyester-clad thighs rubbing together. I think I grunted a few times to stifle the pain in my smashed toes and said “Fuck you, Mrs. Barone.” It was disappointing that I couldn’t come up with something better, but in my defense, I was injured and wondering whether I would lose my big toenail over the incident, especially since I finally had a new one after dropping a heavy stock pot on my foot about a year ago.
Instead, I continued on my way and each time I found myself in her vicinity, I casually moved other carts, displays, large boxes, and random objects into her path. Sadly, my emotional development was arrested somewhere around the age of 13.
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@Pagan….sorry to besmirch your good snooty Brit name and all. I am sure Quality St. was a damned fine chocie but once they sold out to Nestle…..I’m just sayin’.
And while I’m at it making trouble here, Jeff, perhaps your eyes are trying to tell you, with their high output of GOOP, that they don’t enjoy being encased in foreign plastic objects(contacts).
You never struck me as being one of those vain type folks so why the contacts anyway? Aren’t glasses good enough for ya? True, they won’t make your eyeballs feel like they are on fire and cause infections, etc. but they will get you beat up on many a playground.
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sweetzles are the shit….. to you non PA folks they may be called “spiced wafers”. I dont even like confections but i could eat a whole sleeve of those things.
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Brynhildr,
You are clever. You’re so very clever. But I get it. All of it.
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