You know what really gripes my ass? When people leave all their trash on the table at a fast food restaurant, and just walk out the door. It’s not really any of my business, I’m not going to be the one who has to clean it up or anything, but it makes my blood boil nonetheless.
In fact, I’ll probably get my butt kicked because of it someday. The arrogant, antisocial pricks. I always hope they’ll turn the key in their car, and instantly find themselves inside a roaring ball of fire. Is that wrong?
A few days ago I read two separate reviews of the new Madness album, calling it the best of their career. In 2009? Seriously? I had to hear it, but Amazon only had a British import for some enormous amount of money.
So, going out on a limb, I clicked over to eMusic, and they actually had it. Cool! I had about 25 credits in the bank there, and downloaded the full album five minutes after deciding I wanted it. My cost? Roughly $4.86.
And today eMusic deposited 10 free credits in my account, calling it a “loyalty bonus.” I think I’ll use them to grab the new Yo La Tengo album, or something by Husker Du.
Somebody, I can’t remember who, was ripping eMusic in the comments a few days ago, saying they “straight-up suck.” Needless to say, everybody’s entitled to their opinion. And mine just happens to be the exact opposite of the commenter’s. Suck? Maybe in a world where black is white, up is down, and Bill Maher is funny.
And the new Madness? Yeah, it’s shockingly good.
I was talking with a guyrecently who told me several interesting things.
He said he once worked on a crew picking “bell peppers,” with a bunch of Amish men. And they reportedly perform personal hygiene like it’s 1699. Just thought you’d want to know.
He also told me he recently got into an argument with an 85 year old man at a VFW hall. The old guy was berating him for only having fought in the first Gulf War, when he’d been in World War II.
After some discussion, it was learned that the Gulf War guy had two Purple Hearts, and the old man had repaired typewriters somewhere in New Jersey during 1944 and 1945. But WWII still trumped the Gulf War, so there.
A lot of people try to do all the talking when they’re shooting the shit with somebody they just met. But I prefer to do most of the listening; it’s a hell of a lot more fun.
At my job they’re collecting backpacks for a children’s charity, some kind of back to school deal. But they specify, very strongly: no red backpacks. WTF? What’s that all about? Does it have something to do with gang colors? It’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’m fairly confused here.
I recently heard someone on George Noory’s radio show claim that as many as 150 species become extinct every day. Of course, he was talking about molds and spores, as well as animals.
But it got me to thinking… What “species” would you like to see go away forever? You know, if Mother Nature took requests like an FM radio station? I’ll get the ball rolling with gnats. Gnats, which insist on using my neck and eyeballs as a discotheque all summer. God, how I hate them.
What do you say? What creatures would you like to see go fully extinct? And please remember, we’re only playing around here. There’s no need to lecture me on my insensitivity. Plus, it wouldn’t do any good.
While I was having lunch today (Triple Lindy burrito and root beer), I started thinking about something I said many years ago that got a lot of strong reaction, and definitely rates as one of my Greatest Hits. In my opinion, anyway.
When I worked for The World’s Largest Record Company, in Atlanta, somebody called in a bomb threat one afternoon. We were instructed to exit the building, and wait on the parking lot while the authorities conducted an investigation.
It was winter and cold, and they kept us out there for a long, long time. Everybody was shivering and complaining, and I finally shouted, “Aw come on, let us back in! The only bomb in that building is the new Madonna album!!”
Everybody laughed, except the people who worked directly for Warner Records. For some reason they didn’t care for my “comedy.” Heh.
I don’t know why that popped into my head today, but I thought I’d share. I usually beat myself up during lunch, remembering past failures and humiliations. So, it was a pleasant change of pace.
And speaking of failures and humiliations, I’ve got a t-shirt cluster copulation on my hands. I’ve got orders piled up for three different styles of shirt now, and several requests for size changes, etc.
I’m not complaining, mind you. I appreciate every order, sincerely. But it’s a mess, and I’m going to have to devote some time to it, or I’ll end up sending out wrong sizes and whatnot. So, please bear with me. I’ll get it all organized over the weekend. Sorry for the delay.
I need a freakin’ intern, or somebody else I can exploit fully.
And if you want one (or more) of our three shirts, here’s yer page. Thanks for the continued support!
Today’s October 1 already. Have you done any Christmas shopping yet? I think Toney has. Needless to say, I won’t even start to think about it until about December 15. What about you? Are you the disgustingly prepared type?
I’ll leave you now with a Question from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk. I’d like to know what one Super Hero power you’d like to have, if you could choose. I’d definitely go with invisibility, although the power of flight wouldn’t be too shabby, either.
Use the comment link to tell us your preference. What’ll it be? X-ray vision? Running ridiculously fast? Stretch Armstrong appendages? Give us your thoughts.
And I’ll be back on Monday with more of this topnotch entertainment.
Have a great weekend, my friends.
WVBumblebee – Go to http://tinyurl.com/y9jom5g , there you will find the secret you are seeking.
I get a little geek boner reading Tyrosine’s posts.
Sorry Tyrosine. You make me yearn for the days of test tubes and beta mercaptoethanol all over again. I’m just sick like that.
Time Travel without a doubt, forward and back.
Go back to 1970 and sit on the back porch with my grandpa peeling apples.
Hang out with my dad when was late twenties and shoot a round of golf with him in his prime.
Eat Grandma’s home made chicken pot pie after church on Sunday after church.
Travel to 1982 and bang an 18 year old at the drive in. Of course, I want to be 18 years old also.
Ride my bike down Main Street in my hometown on D-Day.
Hang out with Hemingway for an afternoon in a bar on Key West.
Sit on a dock fishing in the Ohio River for an afternoon with my buddies at age 14 or 15 with a cooler full of beer.
Attend Super Bowl IX, when Steeler’s won in New Orleans.
Experience my wedding reception all over again, what a bash.
The list is endless.
Skeeters, gnats would be fine too. Superpower? Telekinesis.
Emusic = Erock! I downloaded Two Cow Garage, 500 Miles to Memphis, The Cincinnati Suds, and so many many more.
I got suckered in by the pickin’ on music series, but I’ll take my lumps on that.
Superpower – I would want to be able to read minds. I want to know what people are thinking when they don’t say what they mean.
All bugs of the creepy crawly kind should be wiped off the face of the planet. Especially those silverfish things that even my cats won’t kill.
Here’s an interesting fact about the Amish. When the women come into the hospital to have babies, the men will immediately fuck the woman within a matter of minutes after delivery. It is a constant battle for the nurses to keep the husband off the wife. It is beyond disgusting! And they do stink to high heaven. You can find herds of them in waiting rooms funking up a whole wing of a hospital.
Where does one find this picture of Angry White Guy with curly hair?
JCIII, “The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything” – holy crap, I’d forgotten all about that! I did the video editing on that, inserting commercial breaks etc. to turn the film into a ready-to-air “TV movie”. Afterwards we made lots of copies to send out to stations. Do I recall Jean Shepherd doing the voice over for the promos, or was that some other movie?
Species to extinctify: add me to the mosquito and cockroach partisans. Termites too while we’re at it. Not that I have a personal axe to grind with them, but why take a chance?
My super power is that I shovel well (not just for Bill Macy anymore), but I like the idea of invisibility and/or the ability to walk through walls. All at will, of course.
I say leave the food wrappers, etc. on the table. At least if the cheap ass places paid somebody to clean up the crap, you might get a CLEAN table once in awhile. I hate sitting at tables with the last persons crumbs and slobber all over the place!
The thing is, I don’t leave the shit on the table. Oh well, quoting P. J. O’Rourke, “what the fuck, what the fucking fuck.”
Craig Ferguson re: the Twilight movies “I want a vampire I can be scared of, not some douchebag with his hat on backwards.” HA!
Species to disappear? Well not bees, because I’m fond of honey and I like my plants pollinated. Gnats are very high on the Shit Can List. But after careful deliberation, I’ve decided on the Amish.
As for Christmas shopping, I’ve gotten some of it done. The rest will probably be completed last minute. So I am both disgustingly prepared and a doofus procrastinator.
My Superpower would be flying. I’m already invisible enough, thank you very much (at least according to the automatic doors, soap dispensers, and other things of that ilk that always ignore me).
And my comedy gold moment? I’ve actually had several, but my favorite was in grad school. This chick was droning on and on about some computer program that she especially loved. She thought herself technologically light years ahead of everyone else and couldn’t get enough of hearing herself talk on the subject (usually implying along the way that the rest of us were all barely functioning troglodytes). So as wound down her long soliloquy with a “I love it so much I…”, I interjected with a loud falsetto “I want to marry it!” And much to my surprise the whole class burst out laughing. The look of death she shot me was priceless. 😀
Douchebag vampires are second on the list.
hardoxdan, I think I’m in love.
Shiny Rod…OMG!! That is the funniest shit I have ever read!! Thank you so much!! Oh and I wasn’t going to tell you, but I ordered 2 of the oops shirts. Yes I know, VT colors, but I’m giving them as Christmas gifts, so they’ll be floating around hte Kanawha Co Sheriffs Dept. ( You know I can’t wear those colors).
Jeff,
Since you’ve got the gnat covered, I’m going to go for dandelions and the maggot. You may have said I only get one choice, but I will use my wife’s choice too. She does not Surf, so will never know.
I think I would only hope the key broke in the door for the persons who leave their trash on the table.
I await my oops shirt as well. I’ll probably have to spill drops of bleach or something on it to really seal the deal.
Greg
Greg in Cincinnati,
I’ll be in town Friday and Saturday. This may sound gay but want to go to a Reds game Friday? Or Fountain Square on Sat,The Seedy Seeds at 7:40pm and Wussy at 8pm.
Just throwing it out there.
T-storm
Jeesus Christ! I thought I had stolen and burned all of those yearbooks! I don’t even look at all like that kid now. Now I look like a 270 pound Tom Green, with both balls.
Hardoxdan, I never considered time travel as a superpower. Thta’s gotta be the best one.
SKEETERS need to go, they suck!
People that don’t pick up their garbage or put away their shopping carts are next.
Hotshoe has a valid point though. If you halfass bus your own table the zitster staff won’t look for crumbs and slobber, thet’ll assume the table is clean.
FRIDAY!!!!
tiff,
You are sick. There’s a lot of things I miss about the lab but BME ain’t on the list. After 1000’s of acrylamide gels and ONPG assays I never really got used to it.
On a side note I get to stroll down memory lane after work today and go back to my old lab and see if I can teach some of the new grad students some basic lab skills. Wish me luck!
Panda bears can go. They don’t want to mate, and if for some reason they do, they rarely conceive. And if for some reason they do, they don’t care for their offspring.
Species than can disappear: Spiders
Superpower: The ability to control the size of my penis at any time
People that don’t clean up after themselves: Pigs
@ Qweezy,
re: 2 chix– you are dead to me.
AWG….I’m sure you still have curly hair…..somewhere….
heh hehe hehe
WVKay and AngryWhiteGuy.
Thanks for your kind words.
I was feeling all sentimental last night, after several Vodkas and a few little blue pills.
Started thinking about all the wonderful people in my life who have passed and how I miss them so much.
Something to read, if you feel like it………
October 2, 2009
President Bill, Dangerous Toys and Waiting for the Perfect Job
X-PREZ BILL
My mother in law got to meet X-President Bill when he went to her job to play golf the other day. Actually, he was there to give a speech, but spent a little time on the golf course and chasing ass. I told mom-in-law that she should have shaken it a little for Bill and secured her future. My mother-in-law, who is just a few years older than me, looks like Sandra Bullock. X-Prez would have been all up in that. She has dated some interesting characters since she and dad-in-law divorced. One was dad-in-law’s best friend. We’ll call him Poncho. He left his wife of many years just after my wife’s parents divorced. They even got married. This devastated my sister-in-law, who was 17 at the time and had planned since childhood to marry Poncho’s son, who was a Gator player and would soon sign with the Bears. Her future was set. Now, they were brother and sister. Got lots of Springer stories in my family, both mine and my wife’s side. Mom-in-law also dated a singer in a local band. Due to this turn of events, I was able to watch Super Bowl 39 with them and one of his good friends, AC/DC singer Brian Johnson. Awesome guy. His wife was pretty cool too.
Anyway, back to X-President Bill. His morals sucked, and he did let Bin Laden slide, but I have to say that I was doing better financially at any point in my adult life when he was in office. I would have liked to seen him. It would have brought back a lot of good memories in my mind. How about you? How were you doing when President Bill was in office compared to that guy that came after him. I’d like to know if I am just disillusioned, or is this the case for most people.
YOU’LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT!
Does every toy have a warning on it now? I guess it’s for legal purposes, since some little paint chip eater is bound to try to see if they can push a Nerf Dart up their nose, or eat a Matchbox car, but today’s toys are no match for the awesome toys of the sixties. I had a tank the size of a suitcase that fired real hard plastic shells. I shot fake Dad in the forehead when I was five and put a knot the size of a golf ball there. He proceeded to rip the refrigerator door off and beat me with it and I never saw my tank again. As mentioned the other day in the comments, to get even with me he left his gun and ammo in a place where I could shoot my own self in the forehead by playing with bullets.
Also had this thing called “Incredible Edibles” The thing was like a waffle iron that would melt skin if you touched it. It came with molds you placed inside that were shaped like bugs and such and you could open these flavored ketchup packet sized packets and pour it into the mold. If you were lucky enough not to burn your fingers, it eventually produced a gummi bear type candy to eat. But let it cool, or it would scald your trachea on the way down.
In the early seventies, we got lawn darts. Heavily weighted missiles to throw high in the air and try to hit the target. What could possibly go wrong? They were around a few years. Did anyone hear about any lawsuits over them? How about the old chemistry sets. I made a toxic mix once that set my next door neighbor off as the smell permeated her house through her kitchen window. Good call Mom, on telling me to take it outdoors. Anyone ever bust their skull from the clackers? Two large marble shaped things connected by a heavy string. The idea was to make them bounce off of each other at a rapid pace, under and over, again and again, and again, and again. Our family cat was never the same after taking a hit with one of those. Springy shoes. They still have these, but not the industrial types that were metal, with thick hard springs. Twisted my ankle good with those. Any other dangerous toys?
BACKGROUND CHECKS
I have been waiting for a background check to go through to begin the process of a job I would really love to have. The Sheriff’s Department apparently does an extremely thorough check that takes several months on corrections officer candidates. They then, after the interview and drug test, send you through a nine month training course, for which you get paid, and by next summer, I could be escorting the gangstas, guests of our country, and white trash methheads back to their cells on a regular basis. This, besides the obvious health issues, is why I am whipping myself into extreme physical shape. I’m running, I’m benching 300, I’m playing basketball. I’m boxing at the local club. I’m doing it all. Do I feel any better? Fuck no, I feel like I have been beaten by gangstas, guests of our country, and white trash methheads…all at once….every day. Am I overdoing it, or am I supposed to feel this way, at my age? I heard that exercise is supposed to hurt, to be beneficial. Any suggestions for pain relief, other than some kind of salve that will make everyone around me gag from the menthol smell?
On IPOD right now- “Ringfinger”- Nine Inch Nails
Emusic is great, I’m a big fan.
I recommend the Young Fresh Fellows.
Put me down for mosquitoes as well, little bastards can ruin an other wise perfect evening, although with the first frost approaching they won’t be around much longer and I reserve the right to change my mind and extinctify the tools who can’t carry out the basic functions of a civil society.
Superpower-time travel provided there are safeguards in place so I can’t fuck up the future or present.
Christmas shopping…hahhahhah, yeah right. We usually have a fambly get together after Christmas so I don’t even start until after, hows that for putting something off!
@ The Qweezy Mark….that was the funniest goddamn thing I’ve read in a while.
On Listening
*Nobody ever learned anything when they were talking
*Light travels faster than sound and that’s why some
people seem bright until you hear what they’re saying.
On Extenction
*Politicians
On Xmas Shopping
*Half done. I do it year round
AWG…..I still have my yearbooks and you can’t have them. It’s the only way I can figure out who everybody is on facebook.
Clackers? Love them!!
Hardoxdan…yesterday was ruff on me too, my father passed 25 years ago yesterday, and it was supposed to be my 25th anniversary. Funky day!
Playing this weekend in N’awlins…Chicago!
Halloween’s voodoo festival looks to be a god one 100+ bands with Kiss being the headliner!
I remember some kind of lawn man sprinkler thing whose head was covered in thin strands of “hair” – which were tiny hoses. I think it was about the size of a 5 gallon bucket. You’d hook the thing up to a water hose and let it rip and the “hair” would sling around wildly. We’d run into it and if you were lucky you’d get away with a few welps across your body and still have both your eyes. That hair made of hoses turned into dozens of whips. Very bad idea.
Water toys seemed to be the worst. Everyone has had a slip n slide with that shitty little banana sprinkler. We’d always seem to set our slide over several sticks and large rocks. When you dove face first down onto the plastic your side would get ripped open by the sticks and stones. “Push your guts back in and get outta the way, pussy.”
I’ve been climbing fairly steady regardless of who is President.
Fleas…no point in them!
Tyrosine – the lab isn’t what it used to be…nowadays you can buy premade gels and running sequences takes what – 3 minutes?
I once busted a 50 mL bottle of BME on the lab floor. That mistake was good for an entire-floor evacuation. Nothing to do for it but hit the bar and wait it out. Dang!
I meant to include this. I watched “Leaving Las Vegas” the other night and thought it was excellent. I watched in soon after it came out and thought it was stupid. Then I realized that Nick Cage (who I hate, he knows why) gave an awesome performance, and that is why he probably won the Oscar that year. Watching his charactoer, I realized that that was exactly the way I acted back when I drank. I think I kinda liked him in “valley Girl”, but other than that, his exagerated bug eyed characters tended to annoy me. Good stuff in this one, though, Nick. The movie got and Angry “thumbs-up” from me. Did you like “Leaving Las Vegas”?
On IPOD right now- “”Master of Puppets”- Metallica.
Going to damage my ears a little more seeing Metallica tomorrow night.
Feral Cat, not so much a species, more of a subspecies, and the by-product of irresponsible pet owners, they might as well be RATS as far as I’m concerned off them all.
Super power, heat vision. The longer I stare at something the hotter it gets. Being able to melt the tires off of the card in front of me would make driving much more fun.
After reading everybody’s post I think the refuse in the restaurant issue is best handled this way…
Leave your table like you found it.
If it was nasty leave it that way so somebody will notice it and clean it up.
If it was clean, leave it that way…
Superpower: The ability to stop time for everyone else but me and anyone I was touching at the time. Getting money would be easy, have a quickie (or a not-so-quickie) at work without getting caught, take a nap, sneak to the front of the line/crowd, give a consequence free beating to those that deserve it…the possibilities are endless.
Christmas shopping? Not even a spec of thought has been put into it. I’ll be lucky and ecstatic to have it done by Dec 20th.
@AWG, I”ll be seing Metallica from the pit in exactly a month from tomorrow. Megadeth and Slayer on Nov 11th. Enjoy the show!
KYDave, instead of the feral cats, how about you eliminate the sub-species that is irresponsible pet owners? Just line them up and I’d be glad to pick them off one by one. It’s not the cats’ fault, they’re just being cats. The same goes for backyard dog breeders like the neighbor 2 doors down. This fucktard keeps 2 dogs (used to be 3 but one tried to jump the fence and sliced her leg open) in and 8×8 cage, one of which is a non-show quality, non-papered husky he intends to breed. Stupid fucking motherfucker!! Sorry to rant but few things piss me off to the extent as mistreated animals.
tiff,
Meh, I had a friend who worked at Biorad and he comped me a bunch of the pre-cast gels. They’re really only useful for diagnostics, or if you do RNA work and are a klutz. Real lab rats who do research cast their own.
I used to run 10 minute agarose gels by casting them ultra thin in a home made rig. Not only was it fast, but it had great resolution, and you didn’t need to use tons of sample to get a band.
I can see why you’re nostalgic about the smell of BME. After you spill that much you’re best just learning to like it, because it’s never going away. My biggest fuck-up was breaking a hybe tube in my hand while doing a Southern blot (in front of a lab full of 4th years). Took me a week to pick all the glass out.
AWG-I would agree with on the economy during slick willy, things were pretty good from 92 till 2000 but a lot of the exuberence especially the dot com stuff really came back to haunt us later.
I’m not sure what is haunting me right now, but I know I am goddamn tired of working one full time and two part time jobs just to pay bills.
On IPOD right now- “Maggie’s Farm”- Specials
Tune in to Dave Ramsey I’m sure he could help figure out what is haunting you.
Tyrosine – I got my first chemistry set at the age of 9. My older brother left his high school chemistry book out and I read it from cover to cover. First experiment – Potassium permanganate and glycerol, they wouldn’t let me buy sulfuric acid at the hobby store without a parent. Amazed the all the kids. Scared the shit out of the adults, most kids wouldn’t play with me after that one. Alakalines and bases are so much fun to play with.
Shiny Rod,
Potassium permanganate is a bitch to get these days because it’s a precursor used in making crystal meth, but mixing it with glycerol is a fun trick.
**Note to any Noobs out there: KMnO4 + Glycerol= FIRE!**
We used to use it to light thermite, but since 9/11 a number of government agencies seem to have lost their appreciation of “back yard “chemistry and making thermite where I live now gets you a ticket to PMITA prison. I can’t even buy powdered aluminum where I live.
There’s a book by Theo Gray called Mad Science that’s just filled with fun things to do that can cause serious injury. I highly recommend it.
I’m a bit of a chemist myself. Sometimes I’ll take baking soda and just dump some vinegar on it. CRAZY FIZZ!!!
Tyrosine speaks the truth. My cousin used to make his own fireworks out of blasting caps and dynamite. The houses in the whole neighborhood shook when he put on a firework show! No more. He does not fear dynamite, but he’s got no desire to draw the law for a simple *kaboom* show.
I vote for Tammie as a kickass intern. She’s a kickass anything. And by that, I mean she kicks ass.
I missed the comedy gold bit: Anything to do with the ex-BIL’s family will do. Since it would be a full blog to write even a portion of their Springer-like brand of hilarity, here’s a link to a taste o’ the Horns: http://buzzardbilly.blogspot.com/2009/09/horn-family-strikes-again.html
Here’s a super power I’ve always thought would be cool to have: The ability to not get hurt, no matter what! You could fall off a tall building, freaking people out, but not be harmed in the least. You could start a fight with anybody and not worry about receiveing any physical harm in return. If they decided to beat the hell out of you, so what? You wouldn’t be hurt. Bullets? No problem. But mostly, I think it would be a blast to see peoples reaction when they saw you step in front of a speeding car or throw yourself off a building or some other danger! With the super power, you’d never even get a scratch on you.
my superpower would be to live next to jeff’s inlaws and report daily on their life
been long tme since i heard a nancy nugget
Being on the west coast, I always get the surf report later than most everyone else. By the time I’ve read all the comments, I’m usually one of the last ones to comment…everyone else has gone to bed ready for the next day’s surf report. So, I’ve accepted that I’ll never get to be in the top ten!
But hey, since everyone else has submitted their comments for the day, that leaves the rest of the space for me! I can just write comment after comment, to my hearts content. Nobody will probably read them, since I’m always so late, but maybe I’ll entertain myself!
Jeff, you read our comments, don’t you? Hope so, and hope you get a kick out of them, too!
Since I can’t be in the Top Ten, perhaps I can find satisfaction in bringing up the rear, by being in the Bottom Ten! The story of my life, always a late bloomer.
OK, I’m done!