Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 274
I took the oldest Secret to the orthodontist yesterday afternoon. Apparently this is my job now… And do I have to do everything around here?? I mean, I’m already emptying the dishwasher every two or three days, now this? Unbelievable.
Anyway, it took forever. The place is an endless conveyor belt of pubescents with crooked teeth. I’m not kidding, they line them up in chairs, shoulder to shoulder, and when one is finished, they replenish from the holding pen in the outer office.
I don’t much care for it. And even though it’s mostly young teenagers, a high percentage of them are surprisingly hideous. Here’s a text message conversation I had with Toney, while waiting:
Me: This place is bubbling over with ugly.
Toney: I know, lots of ugly parents.
Me: Some of the kids aren’t far behind.
Toney: True.
Me: There’s a girl sitting against the wall who looks like she should be running in the second race at Santa Anita.
Toney: I bet the dentist sees big dollar signs in her.
Whenever I go to a doctor’s office I’m convinced I’ll catch tuberculosis, or some sort of airborne cancer. And when I go to the orthodontist I fear I’ll wake up the next morning with huge buck teeth. Like that Japanese soldier on Gilligan’s Island.
Is that irrational?
After the toof adjuster, I went to Wegmans to choose a fancy-ass microbrew, since it was Thursday. On Thursdays we like to get our beer on, get our LOST on… To paraphrase Andy from The Office.
I went with Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale, from Oregon, and was looking forward to being confused and baffled by another episode of my favorite confusing and baffling show — with a superior craft beer in my right hand.
But it was some kind of weird recap thing, not an actual new episode. Wotta ripoff. Here’s a photograph Toney took of me, the moment I realized what was happening. I’m still a little upset, if you want to know the truth.
Buck sent me these pics a few days ago. What do you think? Would you feel at-ease in such a contraption? Could you, you know, perform? You probably know how I feel about it…
And is this a great photo, or what? I’d never seen it before. Perfection!
Tomorrow the temperature is supposed to reach eighty degrees, here in the Upper Perogie Belt. And I think we’re going to clean up the yard, unfortunately. There’s all manner of leaves and sticks and random crapola that builds up over the winter, and we’re going to rake it up and put in new mulch, etc.
Oh, my nipples are exploding with delight. I hate yard work, like a dog hates a meter reader. But what are you going to do?
Hey, wonder if I could market a series of decals, that would cover the entire inside of household windows, showing various scenes of suburban perfection? Just impeccably manicured lawns, amongst beautiful homes… We could bring them up from the basement every spring, stick them to our windows, and pretend everything’s OK outside — while not actually lifting a finger.
Huh, not bad. I might have to look into it. I have a feeling half-assery is a largely untapped market.
Steve and I were talking about the translucents a few days ago. The first two, as some of you know, have names inspired by the town in which they were conceived. I can’t go into the details, but it’s all fairly hilarious…
The third see-thru, however, has a more generic name. I’m not sure why they abandoned the tradition, because I can think of plenty of creative and unusual names for the kid. Since, you know, he was reportedly conceived on the kitchen floor of their previous home in North Carolina.
Oh, I’ve offered plenty of suggestions over the years, but my favorite is Swiffer. Why didn’t they name him Swiffer?! That would be excellent, and also consistent.
What do you think would be a good name for a boy conceived on a kitchen floor? Help me out with it, won’t you? Use the comments below.
Also, have you ever been on the radio? Have you ever won a contest, or called into a talk show, or anything of the sort? If so, we need to know about it.
Except for those painful robot-like “readings” I did for Jack Boston a few years ago, I can think of three times I’ve taken to the airwaves.
When I was really young, grade school age, I won a book of McDonald’s gift certificates by reciting “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun” in less than four seconds. At that point there was only one McDonald’s in the area, in downtown Charleston, and it all seemed wildly exotic.
And during high school I won a 105-second “record run” at Budget Tapes and Records. They pulled my name out of a hat, and I had 105 seconds to call in. Luckily, I was listening at the time, and secured the prize.
And just so you know, I ended up with 96 full-length albums — once all the restrictions were enforced. And the owner of the store even allowed me to turn them all in, and choose 96 that I REALLY wanted, instead of the ones I’d grabbed during my wild flailing frenzy.
Finally, in Atlanta I faxed a suggestion for a “rock block” to the local classic rock station. They liked to do themes, so I came up with six songs that featured stuttering. Like “My Generation,” “Changes,” and “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet.” I got to go on the air with Christopher Rude, who I considered to be hilarious.
A quote from an exasperated Toney, circa 1994 or so: “You’re being ruined by the Jerky Boys, Beavis and Butthead, and Christopher Rude!” Heh.
So, that’s the second question: tell me about the times you’ve appeared on radio.
And I’m calling it a day here, boys and girls. Have a great weekend.
See ya on Monday!
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!
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Hello!
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Well, all right- a twofer! (Almost.)
I used to be crazy for calling in to the local radio station for free shit. Good lord, I saw some shitty movies and got some shitty cassette tapes, but, hey, they were free, right, and for a golden moment, I was a winner!
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Top 5, TGIF Everyone
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Number FIVE
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#6 top ten again
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Seven and it’s draft weekend
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Hey. What ever happened to the “Florida Stories,” or whatever they were called, from Chris?
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Chris asked me to take all of it down, garrett. It’s classic stuff, but he didn’t want it on the internet anymore.
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Had a JOB on the radio – go young me!
Also called into a talk radio show back in the day because I had first-hand knowledge of a hot topic item (kids with AIDS being allowed into school). I like to think I didn’t sound like a complete asshole…
Please, begin work on those window decals immediately. Totally serious here.
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eh – I’ll risk hijiacking the comments with one more: as an adult with braces, I was creeped out by the conveyor-belt situation in the wrenching room of the orthodontist’s office. I was invariably the OLDEST person in the room with the crowds of sulking zitsters, though there was rumor that an 80-year-old woman who presumably still had her teeth was also in treatement to get ‘em straightened out. Proof that you’re never too old to submit yourself to unspeakable pain.
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Pine-sol
Fabuloso
Mop-top
Pledge
Tide
Dusty
Hefty
Wisk
Comet
Burn
And my personal favorite: Bounce
Ah, the kitchen floor… never been a fan of it, but there are times when the counters are too dirty, stove is too hot, sink is full of dishes, dishwasher is full, center island has a buffet spread across it and the rest of the house is under water.
My little brother and I have the same sign off from phone conversations…
Him: Take it easy.
Me: I’ll take it any way I can get it.
Him: Thats the best way.
I just never saw the kitchen floor as the easiest…
I’m out!
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Won 311 backstage passes and BBQ with the band. Won Danzig tickets. (Both knowing trivia) Won a contest when I was a kid by singing “Dreidel” (Don McLean song, not the Jewish Christmas Anthem) on the radio, all the while while fake Dad was punching me in the side of the head.
Book deal fell through. Don’t care if the stories come back or not. Don’t really care about anything anymore. Happy Friday!
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For the 3rd Secrets name: Linoleum
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I used to win shit from the radio all the time. When I lived in PA, I once won tix to Billy Joel/Elton John in a kiss the DJs asses contest. Whatever. It was a great show. When I lived in NJ a few years ago, I won tix and a backstage pre-show meet & greet with Duran Duran. That was surreal. They were my whole world when I was about 14 years old. These days, they look like bad caricatures of their own mothers. Anyway, we live in Maine now and radio is terrible here. One of the stations had a contest to win tix to see Poco. WTF!
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LOL @ linoleum. Linny for short.
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Mannington Neverwax!
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In college, at WMUL, I did the “rip n read” off the AP for a semester. I hated it. I’m glad only college kids listened – and they probably didn’t listen to the boring AP newsy bits.
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TOP XX!!
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Call him “5-second Rule”
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I worked with a guy who named his kid Donkey Punch.
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Doctors office phobias: Look at the chairs next time. I detest public cloth covered chairs. All manner of nasty can hide in that. (scabies and lice to get your mind churning) Theres two chairs at my doctors office with either menstral stains or piss, or who knows what. F’in gross. Whats wrong with a good old wooden or plastic chair? At least if some sick bastard loses control it can be cleaned up.
I’ve been on the radio, local call in auto show. Won a book.
I’ve been on one of the highschool radio waves more often than I can count (part of my job duties is broadcast engineer). Usually not much of an audience when I’m working on the system though…
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The youngest translucent should have been named Saul, after Pine-Sol.
Never been on the radio, but when I lived abroad in my youth (ahem), MTV Europe did call me at home, live on-air, to ask me about an object I had sent them. Each Friday they did a segment where they ceremoniously destroyed gifts from viewers’ former boy-/girlfriends. Since my ex had been such a dog before I finally sent him packing, I wrote in with my tale of woe and sent them the stuffed animal he had won for me. MTV gave it a Viking burial on-air. Rather cathartic to see the thing go up in flames on a mini Viking ship as it floated across a pond. I only wish I had it on tape.
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Called in to the Jeff Ward Show here in Austin about something political. Got to hear my 8 year old Angel call in to a morning show for Mad Moms in Mini-vans…kids on the way to school. It was pretty cool!
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I think Linoleum (or however you spell it) has a nice urban ring to it.
The throughput at the Ortho’s office are why, 6 or 7 years ago, the average orthodontist was making $400K. I am so sending The Peanut to dental school.
My big radio appearnace was with my little brother when he was doing Pacino’s soliliquy (or however you spell it) from Scent of a Woman on the Mitch Albom show about 10 years ago. My line was :Sir, you’re out of order!”. He won the contest and we got unlimited movie passes for a year. Worth it.
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‘Bout 20 years ago I was still making mix-tapes from the radio and twice they played both my request and the associated banter with the radio host on the air.
And since I was making a tape, I taped it!
And I still have them. I was requesting “Layla” by Derek and the Dominoes and “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper.
Boy I sure sound different – before all the whiskey and cigarettes.
Sort of like Marty Brenneman. Hey Jeff – ever get any old Cincinnati Reds radio broadcasts on tape? Brenneman sounds like a snot-nosed kid in the mid-70′s. (Of course now he’s just a snot-nosed old man.)
The other time I didn’t get my voice on the radio, just my name. I was pestering the nighttime dj to play certain songs (another mix-tape) and he threw a radio contest at me so if I won – maybe I’d leave him alone.
I did win – 2 tickets to see the premier of “Weekend at Bernies”. I didn’t leave him alone. I never went to pick up the tickets either. I was hung over.
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For the kid: Not just a name–a persona: Mr. Clean
If it had been twins, I’d have suggested Spic and Span or Mop and Glo.
But I do like “Linoleum” (or Tile, as the case may be), and I’m thinking “5-second Rule” might also be appropriate if he was being named after his father.
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Its raining all week-end in Toronto No Yard work Yay! Headed down to the local Guv’t Beer store for a case of Lowenbrau It’s been delisted says the 8 year old behind the counter! Thats why I love communism! its not as if the Guv’t beerstore even has a competitor where I can buy it honestly! More cross border smuggling Sigh!
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I guess you all keep your kitchen floors nice & shiny! I would call the kid: Spillage!
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tiff – “wrenching room” is an exact description of an orthodontist’s office. My teeth ache just thinking of the torture I endured and all the soup I consumed after each visit because I couldn’t chew for the 3 days following. Can’t stand the sight of a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle. Still evokes the gag reflex after all these years.
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I love the Jerky Boys.
Frank Rizzo is my hero.
“These fruitcakes are pokin around like they know what da fuck is goin on, I fired da 2 of them fuckers right down in da driveway. They’re fuckin up there slappin each other with the hot mops.”
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Another name: Max Minwax has a nice ring to it — as in the, uh, wood stains and protective finishes. (Sorry, just had a horrifying visual enter my mind.) Of course, that would depend on what kind of kitchen floor he was conceived on.
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Did a TV commercial in ’79 or ’80. The old “Lookin’ good together” WCHS promos, total cheese!
Played on WQBE radio and WPBY public tv in a band called Smoke Depot. The WQBE DJ announced us as SMOKE DE-POT, it was grand because before we went onstage we got stoned on the roof of the cultural center in Charleston at the Capitol…good times!
I knew a “Rock 105″ DJ so I called him and asked to win something. He said sure but we have to record the win for the masses and, we did. I got a Kansas Leftoverture cassette.
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Try Spiltmilck Von Swiffinpoofer
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When I have to go to the Doctor, I never read the magazines, use their restrooms (unless I have to give a sample) and try not to touch anything in general while there. I do not want to catch what others are in the office for. Kind of wierd, but you never know.
I won some tickets via Radio call in contest to a Pat Benatar concert when I was 15. Just had to be caller # 93.
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Dr. Quinn
Medicine Woman
Vicky Bobbie
Rhythm
Pull Out
Squirm
Glo
Eeewwwwwgene
Hardwood
Tequila
Oops
Sorry
Yawn
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Tyler
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I call into a national radio, called Computer America, as I see fit. I actually talked with Jay Addelson and Kevin Rose from Digg.com you can hear the audio:
http://www.box.net/shared/qr79mn2sc0
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I’ve got nothing. I’m going through some shit right now.
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Should have been named Ice…since it seems to be impossible to get any into a glass without spilling a piece on the floor.
Once did an eating contest on the radio for concert tickets. Just this week I went on a sports radio show here in Houston.
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No radio experience, maybe a new goal for me.
Fairly lucky with winning stuff, I am sure I am missing something but here are the highlights:
Circa 1971, sold the most Almond Chocolate bars for Catholic school fundraiser, won a 27 inch COLOR Zenith TV. Resulted in fifty relatives stopping over the house to look at it. Our house was still on black-n-white back then.
Bought a 50 cent ticket for a drawing at Catholic Church Mardis Gras in 6th or 7th grade, won second prize “Bushel of Booze”. My dad loved it.
Won $5,000 on a scratch-off lottery ticket in college. Drank and smoked every dollar of it.
Not really contests, but fun to talk about even today.
BTW, I am 3 sheets to the wind and this took about an hour to type this.
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Been on the radio and tv a couple of times. Most recently back in 2002 when I won the National Championship in Powerlifting, Kinda cool. Got a little local publicity. Two year later, I snapped my left humerus into 3 pieces while I had 365 pounds over my head. Good times!!!
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I am a fan of Mannington Neverwax myself – lol that is awesome!
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>At that point there was only one McDonald’s in the area, in downtown Charleston, and it all seemed wildly exotic.
Ah, McDonald’s in the seventies, back when it was a quasi-gourmet destination, where you’d go for a special lunch or dinner. A trip to McDonald’s was an outing. Anecdote: A surfer in the town I grew up in pulled a drowning Japanese tourist from the ocean, and, when given the option of eating in any restaurant in the city by way of a reward, said “McDonalds.”
Everybody went ga-ga over the secret sauce. Portions were tiny–a large order of fries came in a waxpaper bag the size of a small envelope. But nobody complained.
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And here it is, the Big Gallery of Bosses:
http://thewvsr.com/bossgallery.htm
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“shaved head AND dandruff”
“it is what it is”
“smells like boiled garbage”
BWWAHAHAHAHA!
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Are we supposed to be calling Steve The Dweeb?
570.585.6856
Curious.
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More bosses pleeez
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In high school, I was the doofus who played records over the school radio station, or should I say Public Address System. Naturally, I wanted to go into radio and it was not uncommon for a dork like me to call into stations and request songs but attempt to be funny enough that the DJ would turn around and play the tape of the request over the air.
One of my great hits was calling in and doing some bit like I thought I was actually in a drive-thru at McDonald’s and the requested song was Cheeseburger in Paradise. Get it?
Anyway, back when Scott Shannon was creating the Zoo format in Tampa at Q-105, he used to do an oldies hour after the morning show. A buddy and I left school, went up to the station and he invited us into the studio to talk on the air. I don’t recall all the details other than having THE Scott Shannon hand me a little card and telling me to do the weather.
If you can imagine being given the golden opportunity of a life time – I mean, this would be like handing some 17 year old the keys to Danica Patrick – and of course, I blew it down my leg.
Little did I know, the weather card had two different intros but they both basically said the same thing. You were supposed to read one or the other; not knowing any better, I read both. But it was still cool even if really humiliating.
When I went back to school the next day, all the teachers who saw me congratulated me (apparently they played Scott Shannon’s Oldies Hour in the teachers lounge) and not one of them questioned why I was at the radio station and not in school. Perhaps they were equally awestruck.
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10 years ago I won my entire wedding and honeymoon from mix 106 in baltimore. we were contractually obligated to get married on the air on march 6th. they sent us to the bahamas. it was spring break and there were a lot of college girls there. I was happy.
maybe that’s why we divorced 3 years ago…? naaaah.
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“It is what it is.” Every Monday morning @ the weekly sales meeting in Allentown. What a douchey cop out. Might as well say…”this eats it, so tough shit! I’m making money off you bed wetting fuckfaces” Makes me feel like Michael Landon in :The Loneliest Runner.”
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I was on the radio late night on Monday May 1, 2006. It was a midnight madness sale at CD Warehouse for the May 2 release of Tool’s 10,000 Days and Pearl Jam’s self titled AKA “avocado”. I entered a contest and won the grand prize of train tickets, hotel accommodatons and concert tickets to see Pearl Jam in Toronto. I had filled out at least ten contest entries and only later found out that it was supposed to be one entry per person…I lied and took the prize anyway.
For the record, the concert was great even though the seats were mediocre and I feel no guilt whatsoever!
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Way back in 1960 or so, here in Atlanta, Ga, it was Krispy Kreme land when it comes to donuts. Then a new donut joint opened called…Dunkin Donuts!
The city was in an uproar over this contentious contender to say the least, and to this day there are fierce debates over which ones are best.
The historic Briarcliff Hotel, at the corner of Ponce De Leon and Highland Ave, would occasionally host a radio broadcast . Since my daddy was a barber there, when the time came to have a little kid go on air to sing the Dunkin Donuts jingle, yours truly was chosen. I was 5, maybe 6 years old at the time.
The jingle went like this; ‘ I like to dunk dunk dunkin dunkin donuts, cause they hold more coffee than the rest!’
Sacrilege!
Personally, I don’t think Dunkin Donuts can hold a candle to Krispy Kreme. If I wanted cake, I’d just as soon go buy one from a bakery.
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I think I might have caught that pig flu that’s going around. Shit.
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When I lived in Florida as a Kid there was a fast food restaurant calle WUVS and I did a commercial with my brother where we said “We love WUVS, love WUVS with us” say that three times fast
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I’ve won lots of junk on the radio. I once won tickets to a Dennis DeYoung concert, and then he was sick and it kinda sucked.
My sister was up visiting from Florida and had some kind of creeping crud. She finally felt so ill that she wanted to go to the emergency room. They put us in a room with a lady sitting upright in a chair and pulled the curtain between us. I’m so paranoid about germs that I whispered to my sister that I hoped she didn’t have something dreadful. My sister, in the meantime, is hacking up a lung and being run through many tests. Finally, the room grew so quiet I thought the lady next door was gone. I peeked around the corner and she had pulled her blanket up over her nose and mouth, afraid of what my sister had! Of course I started asking my sister how she enjoyed her trip to the Orient, and if she had gotten to tour the poultry plant before she left.
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@ Qweezy Mark….”The Lonliest Runner” w/ Michael Landon……..LOL, and made me piss my pants.
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My wife was an intern at a Tampa radio station. One night when I was visiting, I convinced her to flash her boobs at the DJ from the producer’s booth. We found out your can’t say “HOLY SHIT” on the air.
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How about Grit?
There is grit on every kitchen floor….
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Jason, maybe this is natures way of telling you to stop sleeping with PIGS!!!!!!!!
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Jason,
really….never sleep with a pig…they’ll squeal on you everytime!
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