Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 27
Sunshine has a theory, you see… She believes that Michael Jackson faked his death to jump-start his album sales again, and also get out of playing all those concerts in London.
I laughed when Toney reported this one to me, but it does seem a little more plausible than most of her crackpot ideas. I mean, the guy used to dress up like a fundamentalist Muslim woman, and go out to Farmers Markets, and shit. I think he’d be willing to attempt a fake-death stunt.
Of course, all big-time celebrity deaths have conspiracy theories associated with them. Everybody’s skeptical of everything, and we’re all too smart to believe the official version of events. We’re always convinced there’s more to the story, even when there isn’t. Especially when there isn’t.
But still… I think I could be talked into this one, without much effort. What do you think?
Yesterday I was ready to install all five Soviet humbox window air conditioners. It was more humid than the dark side of a scrotum in this place.
In fact, I told the oldest Secret he’d be helping me drag those bastards up from the basement. Since he’s, like, six feet tall(!?) now, he can enable my laziness, dammit. Set aside a couple of hours, I told him, for toting humboxes up several flights of stairs, as well as profanity-laced installation.
But it’s like autumn again. We have all the windows open, a cool Canadian breeze is blowing through here, and it feels great. So, to hell with it… I’m not bringing ‘em up until it’s absolutely necessary.
Toney believes we’re going to make it through the entire summer, but I think she might be engaging in a little hopeful estimating. We’ll see how it goes.
I have five shirts that need to be mailed, and will be making a post office run tomorrow morning. If you want one super-quick, place your order today and you should have yer swag early next week.
Unless, of course, you’re in Australia or Mississippi, or someplace remote. I mean, seriously.
Remember a band called Angel City? They were called the Angels everywhere except the U.S., I believe, and had several rockin’ and fun albums in the late ’70s/early ’80s. They sounded a little like AC/DC, with an extra helping of punk attitude on the side.
Anyway, I’ve been eyeing this collection for a while. It looked like a solid anthology, but the price was holding me back. (What the crap’s a sourcing fee??) I checked Amazon and eMusic, hoping they might have an affordable download available. But I came up empty.
And this morning, on a whim, I checked iTunes, and they freaking had it — for $9.99! I almost dropped a plate. When it comes to ultra-obscure albums from my questionable past, I don’t usually have much luck with iTunes.
But today I scored, and vintage Angel City is blasting in the bunker as I type. Oh yeah.
What’s the best way to clean the inside of a microwave? I’ve heard people say you should cook a bowl of water in there, and it’ll loosen up the gunk. What works for you?
‘Cause when I opened ours today, to heat up a Marvine Catheter frozen delight, it appeared someone had backed up to it, pulled down their pants, and power-blasted diarrhea straight inside. What the hell, man??
Me (to the Secrets): Who did this?!
Them: Did what?
Me: Left the microwave this way?
Them: What’s wrong with it?
Me: Take a look. It looks like a hedgehog exploded in there.
Them: Not us.
Me: Right.
Them: What do you mean?
And so it goes…
I posted a special announcement at Mockable today, about our new Twitter page. I hope you’ll follow our ridiculous antics, and we promise to not get banned for life this time. At least that’s the goal…
And if you’re not following the Surf Report at Twitter, then why not? Sheesh.
Have you ever bought anything from those guys who hang out in parking lots, selling stuff from a white van? It used to be stereo speakers all the time… “Hey man, we’re supposed to make a delivery to a store near here, and the idiots at the warehouse put twenty PAIRS of speakers in the van instead of twenty speakers! We can let you have a pair for cheap…”
They all have approximately the same rap, which cracks me up. But have you ever actually purchased anything from those guys? How’d it turn out for you? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And what’s the weirdest thing a stranger has offered to sell you on the street?
In Atlanta I was coming home from a bar at 1 am, and some guy emerged from the shadows and offered to sell me a pair of pants: “C’mon man, they’re real nice. Still gots the tags on ‘em!”
The dude was holding a Macy’s bag, obviously stolen off someone’s back seat, containing an expensive pair of slacks. I told him I wasn’t currently in the market for pants (pants!?), and he didn’t much care for my answer. He walked away muttering a lot of words, one of which was “motherfucker.”
Also in Atlanta, a man offered to sell me a box spring outside a movie theater. No mattress, just the box spring. WTF?
What about you? What’s the strangest thing someone has tried to sell you on the street? Use the comments section below.
And I think I’m going to stop right there. This one’s all over the map, written in quick bursts over many hours. But hopefully it’s not too painful.
I might post a special report (very special) over the weekend, but it all depends on whether or not I can get my shit together. Stay tuned, but don’t get your hopes up.
I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great weekend!
Filed under: Daily
1st !!!!!
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2nd, doncha know
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Sunshine used to dress up like a fundamentalist Muslim woman, and go out to Farmers Markets?
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4th? it’s been a while….
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5th
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A guy comes up to me on the street with a bag of obviously stolen goods. Offers me some the junk, and my eye catches a Mr. Potato Head. He wants $3 for it, I offer $1. He balks, and I point out that there is an ear missing on good old Mr. P.
Finally, he sells it to me for $1, and as he takes the money he says, “now, who’s robbin’ who here?”
Classic.
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Baking soda will clean the shit (literally) from anything.
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I drive the white van…
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Number 9…Number 9…Number 9…
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Nope, not buying it. I don’t buy anything from street folk. A friend of mine got burnt with the cinder block in the TV box trick. Boy was he shocked, I told him he got scammed. Lessons learned hard are the easiest to learn. Thats a Shiny one. Peace out…
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Someone once approached me in a bar to try to sell me a condom. At first, I was a little offended because I didn’t think I was giving off the skanky ho vibe despite the obvious inebriation — and of course I’d like to think I looked like a “nice girl”. Then the paranoia set in as I wondered whether the girl was trying to drop a subtle hint about the guy I was with. In the end, I declined and went about my business. After a trip to the kebab shop and a little sobering up, I realized that it was World AIDS Day, and the girl was just looking for a donation to an AIDS research group.
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I can’t honestly say that I have ever bought anything out of the back of a white van. Even as a teenager I knew that shit was stolen and wanted no part of it. The only thing that has ever been offered to me for sale on the street is drugs. Wonder why that is?
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Microwaves are like iron skillets, they have to be “seasoned” and should never be thoroughly cleaned. The filthier the microwave, the better the Marion Cullpepper dinner.
No celebrity has ever faked his or her own death, ever.
One time while walking the streets of Dallas this guy pulled up in a van and said, “Hey baby boy, want a blowjob for $25?” I was so disgusted that I said “fuck you, fag!” And he said, “No man, not me. Her.” And this woman slid open the side door. So anyways, $25 well spent.
No, just kidding. I’ve never paid for sex in my life……and that’s really pissed off a lot of prostitutes.
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always love a good Thursday dump…
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Several years ago I was in a very high end Chicago tittie bar with several big shits from the main office, including Global Marketing Manager, three or four of the Board of Directors, etc.
By the way, all of these guys were 50 to 60 year old Swedes.
We were ordering Dom two bottles at a time and had about 5 lap dances going on all at once.
Some really big black dude approaches me and offers to sell me a Rolex watch, 18K, diamond dial in the original box with all the papers and shit.
As luck would have it, I was wearing my real Rolex nearly identical to the knock-off this asshat was selling but my watch was covered by my long sleeve shirt cuff, and I proceeded to explain about 10 things wrong with the fake to these Swedish guys, thus tying this guy up for several minutes.
Black guy was squirming and getting all fidgety and sweaty as the fake Rolex is being handed around the table from one guy to the next as I am identifying how I am positive it is fake.
I absolutely tortured him, then showed him mine. He bolted out of the place really quickly.
The bigwig Swedes thought that was funny as hell.
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Hey, those same speaker guys operate in South Austin, except that when they are here, they drive a 90′s suburban. I’ve been hit up by them dozens of times while getting gas.
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Bought an entire set of dining room furniture from a guy in a parking lot.
Hey, he took checks, so it was all good.
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Back in 83″ I was sitting in an pub in Perth, Australia with my date, her younger sister and her aunt. We were all enjoying Fosters when an Aussie man came over to the table and asked me if I was an American. Like, you couldn’t tell. I was in uniform at the time. He pulled out a Sucrets tin and opened it up and laying in the cotton bedding was about 8 or 10 nice size Opals. He said, “Hey mate, howd ya like ta buy these for ya sheila?” Being for warned about a man doing a bait switch with a box of gems. I asked him how much, he gave some ridiculously low price. I said that sounds like a deal and I reached in my back pocket and pulled out my other wallet. No, not the one with money in it. I showed him my Shore Patrol badge, he high tailed it out of there. He didn’t know I was off duty. The women laughed their asses off when the guy took off. Thats all for now see ya tomorrow. Peace and dammit go drink a beer with Obama tonight.
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Once, in midtown Atlanta, I had a guy offer to sell me five cigarette lighters for $15. The best part was that they came with a handy carrying case, otherwise known as a greasy Happy Meal bag. Even though it was the deal of a lifetime, I had to pass on that one.
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Tiff,
If it was a “Kroger’s” parking lot I bet it belonged to the store and he just stood in front of it as if it were his. But whatever, a deal is a deal.
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I stopped at the Krogers on my way home from work today and bought a new sofa… oh, and a bag of vidalia onions.
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The child toucher is DEAD. No conspiracy. He’s touching little bad boys IN HELL! now, including Chuck Wible.
The best way to clean a microwave is to tell your wife to clean it out, assuming she does not cover bowls of explodable things, like chili, or plates of spaghetti, or pizza. If you did it yourself, ask your wife how to clean it. If the kids did it, make them clean it out.
Two Messicans (I’m sorry, that may be politically incorect)….two illegal guests of our country tried to sell me a home theater system for 800 dollars, because, as they said, “I can tell when a rich American is lying to me” when I said I didn’t have that kind of money on me. Then they offered to follow me to the bank, as they tried to put the speakers in my back seat. I offered to give them both a beatdown, simultaneously. I went in the gas station and told the Turkish proprietor to call the police. The cops came and determined all the merchandise was stolen and they are STILL in the Sarasota County Jail.
Did you know- Patrick Swayze isn’t going to last the rest of the summer?
On home IPOD stereo right now- “Remedy”- The Black Crowes
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@ Garrett…. it’s always off Cezar Chavez, isn’t it?
When I’m out and about I pretend like other people don’t exist… if I started paying closer attention I’d just get myself all worked up and homicidal.
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In newport, ky some nights there is a guy/guys who come around selling meat. It’s usually wrapped and stuff, but I don’t buy my meat from door to door weirdo’s in a bar.
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I had a homeless guy try to sell me a roll of brand new paper towels while i was walking in downtown Houston at 6:45am. I told him i didnt need them and he offered to sell me a few sheets. WTH?
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I had a guy offer to sell me a white van and all the stuff inside.
I have a Calander of a Marie I have to keep hidden.
Hope this links..secondspin.com. Maybe something to check out. http://www.secondspin.com/.
I’m having a Marcy’s (don’t blame us if you can’t cook) Couldcareless, Lasagna tonight. Cooking directions, 450 for six hours.
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t-storm, there used to be a bar near me and one of the regulars sold the best goddamn smoked salmon you’ve ever had. He smoked it himself, and carried around a cooler while he drank at the bar. We called him the “fish guy”. It was all vacuum packed with his own label and everything. But I admit I am a bit skeptical of buying meat from random strangers, especially in a bar.
A buddy of mine bought a set of those speakers from the white van guys, and they were absolute shit. The cones blew out real quick. Wikipedia to the rescue with a quick rundown of the scam:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_van_speaker_scam
I did almost get in a fight with one of those guys once. I was in a pissy mood, and he approached me and got about 5 words into his pitch, and I said “Don’t even fucking try it.” I may even have growled at the same time, not too sure. He got all worked up, throwin’ around expletives and whatnot, trying to signal his buddy to come over… Yeah, whatever.
103 in Seattle yesterday, the hottest ever on record. If I had one of them Chernobyl air boxes, I would have fired ‘er up. Today is a relatively mild 95 degrees. I’m getting used to the feeling of having my ‘boys’ permanently stuck to my leg.
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And sorry if I’m a little late on this one, but I’m pretty sure the acrobatic fly is glued to the pedestal. I have my doubts it is performing voluntarily, I suspect it’s little fly-brain is just trying to get the fuck away.
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D in Seattle — Not glued. If you look closely at the first series of shots, you can see the head of the pin through its wings holding it down.
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D, visited your fair city 2 months ago, pretty impressed.
I was approached in STL by the WVSS guys at a car wash I was building. I didn’t know the scam and it seemed like a good deal but I was broke and my bullshit-dar was going off.
White Van Speaker Scam, aren’t they opening for Green Day and Matisyahu?
And finally, here in OKC we have a late night jerky guy. Kind of like the chick who sells roses and what not, but it’s jerky. It’s wrapped and I trust this guy.
I don’t trust raw meat sales. And I probably would try smoked salmon from fish guy.
Hell I once ate a bag of baby carrots I found unattended at a bar. Funny story, very few people will accept an offered baby carrot from a stranger.
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@2Tall – simply excellent.
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@ Jason – Never paid for sex? You haven’t had a hummer until you paid for it. Satisfaction guaranteed.
I guess this is not related to Jeff’s questions….
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@ D in Seattle, it may have been only 103 in town, but it was 114 out here in the foothills. Too hot to care about anything
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Turtles
Rocky Point shrimp and lobster tails
And the pièce de résistance – tamales. I stopped at this grocery store to pick up something really quickly, and when I got out of my car, I could’ve sworn I heard a guy say “tamales?”. Considering what part of town I was in, I just dismissed it.
Walking back to my car, there was a guy parked next to me in a big truck. He was standing by the tailgate and says to me “want to buy some tamales?”. At first I said no. Then I got curious..”What kind do you have?”. He replies “Beef and green corn – $12/dozen”.
I paused and replied “I’ll take 6 green corn”. I felt like I was making some kind of drug deal. He was nervously looking at a kid in the parking lot that was gathering the grocery carts.
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Oh, and a funny story in the theme of the Thursday (topic) dump:
http://datingisweird.blogspot.com/2009/01/how-not-to-pick-up-snowbunny.html
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I was visiting NYC once and of course, they have all kinds of random street vendors. One guy had a sheet laid out with his offerings on it. All I could focus on was one pair of men’s white briefs. They appeared “used”. I could maybe understand an entire pack still in the wrapper, but just ONE random BVD? Gross!
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@Adam. Yes, but mostly Oltorf, Riverside and as far down as the Academy on William Cannon.
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A couple of years ago I was accosted by the dude in the white van. We were waiting side-by-side at a traffic light, and he wanted to sell me some (of course) speakers. I think he uttered the words “my stupid boss” or some such. I wasn’t having any since I wanted no part of his a) stolen b) garbage, and c) I can get good speakers at cost from work d) if I were even in the market for same.
Had a mediocre Marcia Calloway pot pie this afternoon, and currently working on a nice Highland Park 12.
BTW, I like the phrase “disco Kroger” – it reminds me of the Soviet Safeway I used to live near. They has sorry produce, stank-ass meat and expired packaged goods. And whatever it was you were looking for, they would always be out.
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Selling tamales around New Braunfels, TX is fairly common. You haven’t had a tamale unless you’ve had one off a 76 silverado for $3 a dozen.
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Around here the white van guys specialize in shrimp and scallops. Sure…90 degrees out and 80% humidity and I’m gonna buy seafood from Mr. Mullet. Hard to tell what kind of Andromeda Strain is crawling around in that shit. And I just know those ‘scallops’ were cut up whitefish.
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Yes, I lived within walking distance of the Disco Kroger in Atlanta. Wotta shithole.
I was in there one evening after work, and a woman got shot in the parking lot while I was paying for my baloney, or whatever. She’d made the mistake of sauntering, taking too long to cross in front of someone driving a car. So the driver pulled out a gun, and shot the woman in the gut. She later died.
Another time Toney and I were there, and somebody had a massive coronary in the dairy aisle. He hit his head on the way down, and there was blood all over the place.
It was like the Wild West in that city…
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Guy pulls up in a white van offers me a t shirt with a smoking fish on it! claimed he was overstocked & desperately needs beer money for his local yuppie bar, whe I politely refuse he Mocks me dammit! what the hell was that all about?
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Pagan…that was great Itell you….great!!
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The tamale peeps hang out at the Wal-Marts and the Home Depot hawking their product. Recently, an Asian lady has been coming door-to-door selling strawberries. Sign o’ the times, I ‘spose.
NDfan – excellent link.
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There used to be an import store in Dallas that sold all kinds of junk watches and rings and crap. Guys would buy these really cheap and sell them on the parking lots of shpping centers by acting like they were stolen. Probably the same with the speaker guys. If the cops stop them they have reciepts for everything. No sympathy for people who get screwed buying junk they think has been stolen.
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Strangest thing someone has tried to sell me on the street? Mary Kay cosmetics. Ok, it’s one thing when my mother-in-law hints that I could use a little make-up, but a stranger on the street? Now I’m starting to take it a little personally.
Ever bought anything from a van in a parking lot? Well, I am not overly concerned with my personal safety, but I don’t loiter around rape vans either. So, that would be a no.
Why, yes, I can believe that MJ faked his own death. Jeezum crow, the guy was $400 million in debt. I only have a tiny fraction of 1% of his debt, and I have considered faking my own death.
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We used to buy tamales from the “tamale guy” who rode a bike around my Aunt’s old neighborhood in Azusa, CA. He was a fixture, everyone knew him. One day he was drunk and crashed his bike, tamales all fell in the gutter. His wife probably kicked his ass, it was around 50 tamales that he lost.
When I was overseas a lot of my dumb ass fellow jar head bought boot leg DVD’s in Singapore and than were surprised when they played them and realized it had been digitally recorded in a friggin movie theater with people coughing and talking in the background.
LIke Shiny Rod said, young, dumb American service men are always a target of scams when on shore leave
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WTB…all that nasty stuff is set aside for hot, hot, for sure. Just the regular after the fact stuff today…wink!
(off topic folks I know.)
But…you’ll be glad to know that Marcy’ s Couldcareless Lasagna, actually has a curse. As I took the thing out of the oven and brought it to the stove top to cool, I misjudged, hit the stove top and dumped the entire thing (I kid you not) on to the stove, oven and oven door. Honest! Simply excellant….thank you very much.
Beer nuts sound great right about now …and fuck all if I’ll pass ‘em!!
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WTB…they’re all back then. Hate to pander…thanks…-d
Beer nuts….yum!!!
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@ SeanInSac – Oh the stories I could tell, but I won’t. Peace for now folks, ba-bye!!!
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Good Evening Surf Reporters….
The WVSS guy’s approached me as I ate lunch in my car, many years ago. Summertime and the window is open. Half a Big Mac is being stuffed down my gullet when….
“HEY MAN!!”
Right in my ear at full awesome speaker volume. As I inhaled the 2nd half while expelling the first through my nose, aspirating chunks of beef and lettuce, I heard those words:
in the market for some speakers???
I gagged and coughed no
Aaw, c’mon Man. My buddy and I got some extra, blabbity, blabbity, blah
He eventually gave up talking and left. Later as I was pulling out, his buddy approached with the close.
“Hey man, my friend said you were interested in getting a great deal…..”
“No. I didn’t. Really not interested.”
And here’s where it gets even more harassing and a wee bit criminal.
“Listen, it’s OK, if you don’t have the cash on you, we could follow you to a MAC machine, or a bank or something…”
I kept on rolling, found a pay phone(oh yea, it was that long ago) and called the cops. They were actually excited to hear the news for there had been several calls describing my same scenario.
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Ok, one story and thats it for me but I am not going to talk about sailors getting stiffed. Instead, I’m going to leave you with a short narrative and I hope you have your knickers on cause this ones gonna blow them off. I usually don’t write like this in a public forum so I will tone down the “eh” tender parts.
Ms. Scotch
She had come to me in a dream and although I was not sleeping she would awaken something in me lurking deep within. I presence of desire and want never to be fulfilled, only desired. Her long hair was a light carmel brown and it was sweet scented like molasses. She poured herself into a vessel and the form of a woman appeared. Her eyes were soft and burning but never piercing to the touch. I would find myself in desire of her from her initial appearance. Her tall tender form moved closer to my lips. I could smell the sweet intoxicating aroma from her skin caressing my nose and my senses. I could take it no longer. The first kiss slipped past my lips and over my tongue. Oh what sweet bliss embraced my mind as her caress warmed my throat. But a small kiss did I take. I did not want to expend my senses. We both stood back and languished the first embrace. As her flavor subsided, I had to take another kiss, maybe a little longer this time. Our lips pressed together and the sweet flavor of her body once again intoxicated me. My head spinning now desiring even more of her. OK, OK you get the picture? Dammit, now I’m gonna need a cold shower. See ya later…
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SR…and what…she drove away in a white van!?!?
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@ DTO – The Idea is to not finish the story, keep them wanting more like my scotch. You see, it worked, you want more…
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In 1990, some obviously homeless tweeker approached me on Main St. in downtown Salt Lake City and offered to sell me a pretty nice Texas Instruments scientific calculator for $3. Halfway across the planet and almost 20 years later, I still have it, it still works, and I’ve never changed the battery. Freaky.
Street vendors of all kinds are common here, but most of them are selling something legitimate. You get a few with the fake jewelry and whatnot, but actually not as often as I would’ve thought.
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@ DTO – Thanks! I hate to be a simpering whiner, but, you know, whatever gets the job done. hee hee
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A few years back I had an extended white van. It was a soup can on wheels. I used it to haul my treasures around, selling at antique shows and antique flea markets….does that count? Very little heat, no air conditioning, and rattled like a marble in a jar but it got the job done. I could parallel park that thing like a professional truck driver too. Very impressive, I must say!
Every Friday night during our local happy hour, these two guys would come into the bar peddling fresh steaks…fillet, strip, porterhouse, even chicken and ribs…whatever your taste, they seemed to have it. They were the local crackhead shoplifters that went to the grocery store minutes before…..stuffed what they could down their pants and in their coats and proceded to the closest bar to turn a sheckel for some drugs or some such. What a racket they had going. Not only that…they would even take “orders” for the next week! Wow! Talk about balls… Well, one day they didn’t show and sure enough one of the top news stories of the weekend was 2 men getting busted at Giant Eagle for shiplifting a ton of meat……OOPS!
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Back in the mid-90s, one night I was drinking in Chief’s Cafe on Craig Street in PGH. Sort of a rough joint back then. It was about a half hour before closing time and this old guy came in, pulled a pack of T-bone steaks from out of the front of his pants and tried to sell them to me. Freshly stolen from the Giant Eagle around the corner. Very disturbing. He couldn’t quite understand why I didn’t want to buy them.
When I lived in NYC I *did* buy a cassette copy of “Appetite for Destruction” from one of those sidewalk salesmen who put all their shit out on a blanket . Still have it too.
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I dated a girl in the 80′s that took me to a county sherrif’s detachment where she proceeded to purchase a half ounce of WEED from one of the Deputies. I was scared shitless.
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Pagan: That’s the same guy I saw in a seedy part of town with his shorts around his ankles.
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@Garrett
Yeah, I’ve had that experience on Riverside too… had a friend who used to live in Sterling and always found it funny I had to drive through the barrio to get there… since she and her roommates (all ex girlfriend?) were little princesses.
Which makes me wonder… why is it that my ex girlfriends all form a cohesive bond and become life-long friends? Does this happen to anyone else? I mean, I get along with all of them… but they decide to live together? It’s like a commune of chick’s with whom I’ve been acquainted. Fuck’n crazy, man.
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i used to home theater installs and we used to get shitty customers who’d complain about price all the time. the best was “$4000 for speakers? i’m gonna go find a white van guy”… i always thought they wew a myth! like… who’s a fucktard enough to buy from them!? and then they sell other crap?
i once had a girl come up to me while i was buying coffee selling knock off cologne/perfume….
i told her “fuck off. you got liquid cocain in there or sumpthin!” she tried to spray me… i ran away.
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>And if you’re not following the Surf Report at Twitter, then why not? Sheesh.
Well, since you’re asking this question, I guess I’d have to answer the “why not?” with “because much of the same content shows up at the main site.”
Case in point. Here’s a Twitter update:
Our microwave looks like somebody opened the door, pulled down their pants, and power-blasted diarrhea into it.
And here’s a quote from today’s main-site update:
it appeared someone had backed up to it, pulled down their pants, and power-blasted diarrhea straight inside.
Not to be snarky, but don’t you think that your writing is of a higher caliber than Twitter, which was a promising concept at first but quickly devolved into a forum for brain-dead C-listers and the ramblings of the illiterate?
You’ve already been kicked around by those idiots for “suspicious activity.” If I were you, I’d close down the account and say “fuck ‘em.”
Seriously, does anybody reading the Surf Report spend any time at all, even a few minutes, looking at Tweets?
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@ WTB remember when i told my ex husband that if he was ever called to identify my body that he was to say it was me no matter what? Do you think that was the beginning of the end- LOL
@ jason- that is “THE Kroger’s” parking lot.
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We also have those meat salesmen show up all the time at local taverns. The meat is not from stores though, noone really knows where these unmarked packages come from. They always claim that it’s simply overstock meat, but I’m not taking any chances with steaks sold out of the trunk of a car. For all I know they are butchering roadkill and selling it to unsuspecting drunks. They have even started going door to door in neighborhoods now. I keep the dog inside when they are around!
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@ Gordion Knott – Oh, you are so cruel. Not much you can say in 140 characters anyway.
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Ok, to clean your microwave, take a dish sponge (you know the one’s that are colored w/a rough top on it.).
Get it nice and wet, and put a large heaping blob of dawn dish detergent on the sponge side.
Put it in the microwave for about 20-30 sec – at most.
Then give the sponge a moment to cool off slightly and then wipe down the inside of the microwave.
Note, if you microwave the sponge too long, it will either:
a) explode
b) catch fire, and start to smolder.
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gordion knott…. yes. i’m a twitter fanatic.
there’s a few people that i follow and they’re golden, such as
jeffkay
metten
theeviltwinswife
blondegoddess66
knucklehead13
etc….
(if i left you out it is due to lazyness…. nothing more. i’m a fattylazy man… )
but twitter’s not for everyone. i wouldn’t recomend it to my mom… she’s uptight!
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I’ve yet to twitter
I would not know how to tweet
I guess I’m a twit….:-)
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For microwave cleaning, I fill a bowl with water, some baking soda, some dishwashing liquid, and a little lemon juice. Microwave the bowl for about a minute to loosen everything up then use the now hot water concoction for cleaning the microwave.
Back in the late 80s, I was walking down the street in Baltimore, wearing my typical late 80s prepped out clothes. Seriously, I could have been on the cover of the “Preppy Handbook”. Walked by this black guy who says, “Haaaaay missy, wanna buy a case of da forties of da forty five?” I politely said, “Um pardon me?” And he said, “Da forties! Of da forty five! Dayum girl…the malt liquor!” Which is when I realized he was trying to sell me a case of 40 oz Colt 45s.
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@ Gordion Knott – BTW, I twitter…
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Why doesn’t everyone just wipe down the inside of their microwaves as soon as the cooking cycle is done (if something splatters)?
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I do, but its only me so who cares. Just hate it when crap gets all crusty and I have spend even more time trying to clean the crap out. do do much with the MW anyway but warm up the chili or soup I have made.
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Don’t do much, yuk, fingers aren’t working, too much typing today.
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Tadpolegal: I went out with this dude (for a VERY short time) who told me he was in “sales”. Found out that it was the whole door to door meat selling thing. Wotta loser. They gave him a little pick-up truck with a huge freezer in the bed to use. He would “cold call” on the unsuspecting working joe and con them into buying this shit….and LOADS of it! The meat was all shrinked wrapped in some sort of marinade and spices…he said to “enhance the flavor”. I said..”to keep the shit from rotting”. Whatever.
Dawn: “a case da forties of da forty five”…HA! Sounds like a few doses of penicillin should be involved.
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I use my i-microwave to send tweets
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I’m with Knot. Twit tweet fuck dat sheet.
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I am tired of the fly after 3 days!
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bikerchick and Tadpolegal,
Jeff used to sell meat from a truck. I’m trying to find the story. It was a few years back. He only lasted about a week.
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@ Jason – Oh those guys drive me crazy. In NC, they push Fresh Shrimp. I buy my seafood at Costco’s thank you very much.
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@ bikerchick – I’m with you on that. Malt liquor does not cross my lips. Never has never will.
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I bought a stereo complete with bloodstains on the wooden speakers from some guy in the parking lot of an auto parts store. It kicked ass in my Bug, and when the wipers were on, the stereo kept time to the music.
Jeff– what is it with getting on the further evidence page. It’s getting as hard as getting into Harvard. I’ve sent you three links, and am batting 0.333.
This is the kind of thing Jeff has been hoarding:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc
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I tweet….nothing very exciting.
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“Holy Crap in a Bundt Pan”….I just threw down some pretty cool Haiku back up there about twitter….I think?…then again…I’m pretty full of myself.
It’s not my ego
I have that squarely in check
I know I’m the best.
Not really, but that last line seemed like it had to be written. God I hate the word tweet. So weird. I think girls should tweet and guys should bark. Not that I’m againgt a girl that want’s to bark too. Love that all in all. (no Jason) Just…guys souldn’t ‘tweet’.
There ya go…I’ll start a new place called “Barker”.
Fuck a silly little bird and a pissy old owl.
Jeff…copyrights to my idea or did I just give away millions? E me…we need to get started…Cha-Friggin-Ching!!!
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Any of you girls out there that bark give me a ring.
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Dammit. I’m looking through the archives for Jeff’s story about selling meat door to door. Can’t find it anywhere.
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@Greg in Cincinnati
That’s a fine specimen of Further Evidence.
So is this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdgfqdUfc9k (NSFW)
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Woo! I found it! Jeff’s meat truck job. Look under July 14, 2005. Hillarious.
http://thewvsr.com/fatass72005.htm
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I think this covers about every thing I would say…
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bllOTXYnmaM/SnIKKYY_VXI/AAAAAAAAAA0/0pXc_JI4t4o/s1600-h/thingstosayduringsex.gif
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@NDfaninAZ,
I can tell you too are a true man of culture and refinement. Carry on, Sir, carry on!
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Thanks for finding the meat truck story, Jason. Hadn’t read that one before. I laughed all the way through it.
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@Greg in Cincinnati
Thanks Greg, except I’m a woman
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@NDfaninAZ – He didn’t know? wow!
Dude, all of the women on WVSR are the epitome of Class and Refinement. You will find no better on any blog elsewhere.
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Bought a magazine subscription from a guy in a Target parking lot once in the 90′s because I thought he was cute. Don’t think he had a car, let alone a van. There were several of these “salesmen” wondering around and apparently they worked out of a local motel and traveled from town to town. Never did get my magazines.
A few weeks ago, a guy came into the store in which I work and asked me where the “wife beaters” were. I thought I was being punked, but turns out it is nickname for a real item. Not really on topic, but I just love telling people about it.
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Bought a live stolen chicken at a cafe/bar once.
Occassionally buy the velvet Elvis posters from guys in the white van.
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@ Georgia Beebe – Check out Clark Howard dot com, he lists all the latest scams, online and not.
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Weirdest thing anyone has tried to sell me was stolen pie plates from Bakers Square. They’d steal them out of the back of the van and bring them home in enormous stacks. I visited a (not anymore) friend and there they were. He handed me a stack of plates and told me I had a pack of cigarettes in my hand. “No dude, I have a stack…of…pie plates” Crack is a helluva drug.
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Ratchet,
You have a cool blog. I hope you come back to see us often, coffee chick.
Happy weekend surf reporters! Who’s on their second bottle of fortified wine, raise your hand? Just me? Lick it, snobs.
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“Wife Beater” a white sleeveless top usually found on overweight white guys living in trailer parks, usually fesstooned with sweat & beer stains and the remenants of last night’s meal, or Sports/Hollywood celebrity attire! you decide:)
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Just got back from the grocery. Two words…Bake-Fucking- Sale…OK!?!?
A worthy cause for…who gives a shit. I went for some beer, wine and some Klondike Bars, and left with a bag full of guilt.. I mean…I’m not going to leave my kidney at the door and I don’t care if the band needs new uniforms. White van shit but right there in the open. Crap pastery I could make myself form the same place where they bought the mix.
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About 30 years ago I bought a copy of the Bhagavad Gita from a Moonie outside Grand Central Mall in Parkersburg for $4. Kid followed me all the way to the car and wouldn’t leave me alone.
Some weird shit in there. Chicks with way too many arms and eyes.
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@ Chuck in Ohio – But just think all those things those hands could be doing. Just ponder that for a minute.
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My first time drunk commenting on WVSR! Woohoo!!!
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Weirdest thing for me… well I don’t know if this counts as “Selling on the street,” although technically he did come off the street, so I suppose it counts.
For the record NO, this was NOT the Schwann’s guy, or whatever. This was two guys in a white pickup truck.
They pull up into my driveway and tried to sell me a bunch of T-bone steaks that they “had extra” of and needed to get rid of before they went bad. Some delivery they were supposed to make to restaurant or something and they sent the wrong amount or something. (And having worked for a few years in the actual restaurant industry, I KNOW the drivers don’t just get to keep what people don’t take!) I don’t keep cash in the house, and we no longer use checks. He said he’d take a credit card, and I was like “With what?” more like “Take it and leave,” that’s what. Get off my porch.
That was totally weird. Why would I buy steaks from two rednecks in a white pickup truck? And why was there a ladder on there? Were the steaks on a roof somewhere? It wasn’t even hunting season (and I’m not in WV anymore to make even that believable!)
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A few months ago my hubby “bought” some tamalies from a 16 or 17 year old girl and her 25-45 yrold dad? boyfriend? I swear the guy was ageless so there was no tellin! They were in a nicer car than any of us have, (tryin to be sneaky but they parked it at the end of our trailer court and damned if I couldn’t tell it was not one of our neighbors!) and had AWSOME tamalies. Since my hubby had no cash and they didn’t take checks they accepted beer. Seriously. I come home w/ the kiddo and my hubby, the girl and guy were all snorfin down fresh blistering hot tamalies and cold beer on the deck. So that was dinner. They come by every Sun evening now and we buy a dozen for 7 bucks. No tellin what the meat is, but who cares anyhow!?
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