Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 211

watermelon1I was in Wendy’s a little while ago (#1 with cheese, no pickles, and a Coke), and the woman in front of me wasn’t prepared when it was her turn.  This is an infraction, as detailed here, and I was sighing to beat the band.

Then, to add insult to fast food injury, she started using a phrase that bothers me.  Oh, it bothers me a great deal.  Here’s approximately how it went…

Her:  Does the 99 cent bacon burger come with onions?
Cashier:  No, only lettuce and mayonnaise.
Her:  Then I’ll do one of those.  And do you sell chocolate milk?
Cashier:  Yes.
Her:  OK, I’ll do two of those.

Do??  How does a person do milk?  And then she started phrasing everything as a question…

Her:  And can I do a fish sandwich?  And maybe an order of fries?  And can I get a small root beer to go with that?

What the hell?  Was she asking the cashier for permission?  I have a feeling ol’ Snaggles couldn’t have given a shit, one way or the other.

This went on for upwards of five minutes.  She eventually DID about twenty dollars worth of food, and each item was agonized over.  By the time she was finished a huge line had piled up, and everyone was staring at her with agitated expressions.

A little longer and all that negative mental energy would’ve likely compounded, and the woman would’ve burst into flames.  But, unfortunately, we came up a bit short of our goal.  Dammit!

A few days ago I asked for your funniest funeral stories, and, as usual, you guys didn’t disappoint.  Lots of hilarious tales.  But I forgot to tell you mine…  How’s that for scattered?

Back in the late 1980s or early 1990s one of my grandmother’s sisters died.  The service was held outside, under a giant tent, of sorts.

The family was sitting in the front row — mostly other sisters and assorted spouses.  And when one of the sisters (the biggest of the litter) flopped-down, an entire row of people went over backwards!

The chairs were hooked together in some way, and shared armrests.  And the next thing you know there’s a loud gasp, and nothing but a row of dress shoes sticking straight up in the air…

God, I’m about to soil myself just thinking about it.

On Monday they were going to bring in a ton of ice cream at work, and have a “social” for the employees.  They do that sort of thing from time to time, which is nice.  I’ve worked for companies that didn’t do anything extra, whatsoever.

Anyway, I’ve been bitching about the traffic on I-81 South for the last couple of weeks, and think some of my co-workers believed I was exaggerating.  Most of ’em live within five miles of the place, and don’t know anything about the interstate nightmare in their own backyard.  Which, of course, doesn’t stop them from having an opinion, anyway.

But guess what happened?  That’s right, the truck with all the ice cream inside got stuck in one of those big cluster-fucks, and everything melted.  Completely and absolutely, we heard.

“Told ya,” I said, and walked away in smug triumph.

Is the Surf Report a blog?  What do you think?  For years I’ve resisted believing so, because that word is stupid and I didn’t really want to be associated with it.  But I think I’m softening on the position, and might allow the phrase to be spoken without retribution.

Any opinions on this most pressing of issues?

And while we were having our deck feast over the weekend, Toney brought out a gigantic bowl of watermelon cut into chunks.  Yum.

I dropped my booger-hooks in there, and grabbed holt of one.  Then I snagged the salt shaker with my left hand, and started putting salt on the watermelon.

And Toney hollered, “What in the name of the Holy Savior on a hand truck are you doing?!”  Or something along those lines.

But I was baffled by her question.  What did she mean?  I was merely salting my melon (not a sexual euphemism).  What was the problem?

Apparently this isn’t a common practice outside the motherland of West Virginia?  I don’t know.  And it seems a little strange that it’s never been discussed, during sixteen years of marriage.  But it’s never come up, that I can remember.

We started talking about it, and she wanted to know what other “weird stuff” I put salt on.  It’s a difficult question to answer, ’cause none of it’s weird to me.  The best I could do was pepper on cantaloupe.  That also blew Toney’s mind.

What do you think about that?  Are those things weird?  I mean, seriously.  I’m mildly offended.

Also, have you had any similar conversations, about salt or pepper on “weird” foods?  A regional thing, or just a personal preference…?  Tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll leave you now with a few requests:

Please consider writing a Friday Guest Mock for  Metten and I would like to turn it into a weekly feature.  Taiwan On has written three so far, and I posted one of his today — a day early.  Why not join him?  Just email it to mockable[at]gmail dotcom.

Also I’ve got plenty of t-shirts remaining, so get your orders in.  I’m fixin’ to make a post office run, so now’s the time for a lightning fast turnaround.

And finally, if you’re on Twitter, I’d be much obliged if you could start following my tweets (and I used to have a problem with “blog”??).  Here’s my page.  Follow me, and I’ll follow you…

That does it.  You guys have yourselves a fine weekend.

And I’ll see you on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker.

Follow the Surf Report at Facebook!


  1. says

    @ leanne – It was not a bad place to go back in the 80’s, if so, they would have made it off limits to us visiting American sailors. Believe me, we had to close down “Boogy Street” in Singapore because the Marines had an all out street fight going on over a he-she. It pissed me off because that was my duty night and I had to go round up drunk Marines all night and even had to pop a couple on the head.

  2. says

    Actually, I think it’s pronouced Bugis Street but we called it boogie. Jason would have loved it. Sorry, I spent most of my time there at Raffles sipping cognac, vodka martinis and being checked out by the european cougars.

  3. NDfaninAZ says

    @ Shiny Rod – I was talking about the cheese molester.

    I’m thinking about hitting the vodka bottle soon. Nothing else to do. Can’t go outside…I might spontaneously combust (112 degrees).

  4. says

    LOL – I didn’t do so well with the chainsaw. But once my instructor cut the basic shape, I did really well with the fine-tuning and shaping. :)

    And velveeta – mm. Pasteurized processed cheese. I can make a mean broccoli casserole with that!

  5. DTO says

    I like toast…..Heavy toast….7-grain…12 grain….you know the kind of bread you’re hoping that what you just bit into is a sunflower seed or a wheat groat. Medium rare, with peanut butter and apple butter. Add in some banana slices and I’m all in. That’s my perfect breakfast.

  6. Pagan says

    Bugis street! Man that takes me back! Stationed in Changi back in the 70’s there is nothing in life to match the horrifying experiencewhen you find out that your beautiful 19 year old date with the perfect ass & georgeous breasts is a guy!!!!!!!!!! I will never forget 5 stand up military guys running out of that bar at 100 miles an hour screaming like the girls we thought we were with! Still miss Tiger beer though!

  7. Pagan says

    BTW Gaslight District is actually an upmarket tourist area! Druggies are on Robson Street!

  8. says

    @ Pagan – I like my cognac straight up unless I’m drinking a martini. I got tore up one night in San Diego after drinking 7 Mia Tia’s and when I got back to the barracks, I kicked off my shoes and went to the head. It was early morning when I woke up in my clothes in the shower with the water still running. So, thats why I don’t drink cocktails anymore. Do you remember the Mojo’s they make in Subic Bay, Phillipines? Yes, I miss the Tiger beer too.

  9. Tyrosine says

    @ WB in OH:

    “strange fascination with kerosene and gasoline.”

    That part is pretty much true.

  10. says

    @ Tyrosine – what encouraged you to get into microbiology? I started with Business Communications and then to Electrical Engineering before I ended up in Information Systems.

  11. Tyrosine says

    @ Shiny Rod:

    I’ve always liked messing with stuff to see how it works. I was always that kid who took apart stuff around the house just for fun, so science was a natural fit for me and for some reason biology just clicked. I seemed to have an intuitive understanding of it: it just made sense.

    When I went to university the biology program didn’t force you to specialize until you reached 4th year, so it allowed you to take a wide range of courses, consequently I studied a lot of microbiology, cell biology, biochemistry, and genetics (as opposed to ecology, physiology, and biophysics which I hated). In my honours year I specialized in genetics.

    In grad school I was in the molecular biology program. Molecular biology is a combination of biochemistry, genetics and microbiology where the focus is on gene manipulation, which is just means we mess around with genes to see how they work: If you want to see what a gene does remove it, lower it’s expression level, add a second copy, change it’s location in the genome and see what happens. Microorganisms like bacteria and yeast are tools we use to manipulate genes, so understanding microbiology is vital.

  12. c schmidt says

    Just wanted to let you know that WVSR was linked at “today on the interwebs” for your fine fast-food investigative…..stuff.

  13. says

    @ Tyrosine – That is very interesting because I was a tinkerer when I was young. Radios, models, I took em a part and the put the back together. Some worked and others not so good. I was a science and drafting major in high school but by the time I got to college. I got involved with the college radio and television station and was interested in broadcast media. I dabbled around that for a year a figured out that it wasn’t the function I was interested in, it was the tools. So, I switched my major and school and took up electrical engineering. That lead me to working wiith computers and it has stuck with me since. At IBM, I worked designing OS2 Warp and Windows 95 builds for internal systems. At the US Postal Service my role changed completely as a Disaster Recovery Planner, I wrote and tested DR plans for over 600 USPS applications. Now I do IT Project Management for NC DOT planning and implementing variuos network management projects. Buy the time I complete my BSIS degree, I will be ready to test for my CISSP and then my income hits the 6 figure mark although I’m not to far from that now. It’s amazing the paths we take to become experts in our fields. When I took biology in at Indiana University, there were at least 150 students in the class and lab and I lost my desire for it. I felt that the school really didn’t care about the student for having such a large class. But being distracted by girls and frat parties didn’t help either. Wasn’t allowed to do much dating in high school. Guess thats why I went wild when I joined the Navy.

  14. Chuck in Ohio says

    Why is salt on melon weird? Oh, wait, I’m from Parkersburg, WV.
    Never mind.

  15. says

    Yep 216.
    I was curious as to what the comment count was
    Interesting conversation that I might have missed
    had I not checked the “follow up” box.

  16. says

    @ CitizenX – Yeah, we’ve been a bunch of chatter boxes this weekend. Cheese, salt and pepper on your melon, pickles, assholes, single malt scotch, what else!

  17. DTO says

    Damn, Shiny Rod…I missed the part about assholes…now I gotta read all this stuff again!?!?…Crap!

  18. DTO says

    Never mind….I’m sure it’s not worth it if they’re jerks!
    I’m drinking some fine beer and watching the shuttle launch on NASA TV. Weird huh?!…

  19. Debra says

    Mountie We stayed at Rustic Retreat on old 19. It sure was purty! Had a little Coi pond and everything

  20. NDfaninAZ says

    Just got back from getting my car washed. That means it will probably rain.

    Oh, wait a minute….I live in Phoenix. Nevermind.

  21. says

    I KNOW you’re not exaggerating about 81-south. We traveled that stretch of road today and it was HELL! As if the construction doesn’t cause enough problems, every retard in the universe must have traveled that road today too!
    I was literally gripping the steering wheel in a death grip, hoping to maneuver the mini-van to safety.
    Freakin morons…

    Jeesum crow I missed you guys! Nothing like a two week vacation with no internet to make a girl lonely! (Don’t worry…I toasted to each and every one of you nightly…that helped a lot. Plus I was visiting my family..I don’t really consider it “getting drunk”. It’s more like “nerve soothing”.)

  22. Greg says

    @ Tammie: Glad you’re back! Been missin’ your pithy comments. I hope you had a great time, and I’m looking forward to hearing about the vacation soon on your blog.

  23. Tyrosine says

    @ Shiny Rod,

    Interesting, you bailed on Bio because of a class of 150 students. When I was in first year back in the early 90’s my Bio class had 300 and I thought that was large. The last class I taught a couple of years ago had 1300 and it was a second year course. At one point I was getting 200+ emails a day from students. Times have changed eh?

  24. says

    @ Tammie – Welcome back, hope you enjoyed the vacation. We made sure we kept things exciting so you’ll ahve a lot of reading to catch up with. What am I saying, the Blonde Goddess doesn’t read, or does she? BTW, I love the Captain Kirk, very refreshing…

  25. says

    @ Tyrosine – Defintely, we didn’t have email back then. Matter of fact, I never saw the professor. His assistants taught all the classes. 1300 on a second year course, I hate to imagine what the first years student count was.

  26. says

    good morning surf reporters

    that’s as close to a cyber whisper as I can get

    it’s late

    glad we’re all still here after a fun-tastic weekend

  27. WB in OH says

    Attention Surf Reporters: Just recieved an email from a co-worker. He has two tickets to a Billy Squire concert Friday the 17th in Columbus, OH. Let me know if you are interested! I about shit myself when I read his email!

    What’s even more ridiculous is it is at the “Lifestyles Community Pavillion”. I’m not familiar with the venue but it has a nice ring to it that meshes well with the recent video JK posted.

  28. garrett says

    Jeff’s going to love this one:

    Fries dipped in a mixture of Mayo, Ketchup, and


    Salt on watermelon / canteloupe – some parts of Texas I get looks like I’m salting a turd, others it’s perfectly fine.

    A dab of sour cream mixed in with my mac and cheese.

    Salted / Sugared – fresh tomatos.

    I usually add some peach preserves to picante sauce / salsa for chip-dipping.

    Adding a little honey to spaghetti sauce.

    Creamed beef gravy on scrambled eggs (pass on the biscuits).

    Here’s an odd one maybe – A whole fried egg, sunny side up with a runny yolk on top of a piece of toast with butter and jelly.

    new leenk:

  29. garrett says

    @ jason – I, too, stumbled across “The Mountain” and never knew about the “blog” for probably a year, maybe 2.

    I checked it weekly for a long time for a dose of oddness.

    Interestingly, when I DID start reading the words under the eggplant, I did NOT discover it from the mountain link, I found it from some chick’s site. I don’t remember the link, but it was from a site where some single New York chick was chronicling her meager existence. Stories about being laid off, no electricity in her apartment, encounters with bums…etc. I think she even described hooking up with a random stranger on the subway.

    She always posted gourmet recipes and talked about food, but I never got the impression that she ever had any money for anything other than ramen noodles. I *think* her site shared many of Jeff’s readers in the early 2000’s. Anybody know who I’m talking about?

    I read the two sites, side by side for a long time before I made the connection.

  30. says

    I found the surf report while googling the diet aid, Alli. A friend kept saying she was going to try it and I said I’d heard you couldn’t be too far from a toilet. anyway, I found Jeff’s blog about the side effects (crapping yerself) and that led to the beefaroni story and I stayed for hours, laughing loudly until I felt wasted.

    Remember when the Kays went to England and the comment count went up to- what was it? – in the 500s? something like that?

  31. says

    Yes, this is a blog. (sorry) :-)
    salt on watermelon is weird, but I’ve seen it before. so is pepper on melon, fries in mayo and all sorts of other stuff. But it’s all okay, :-)