Yeah, I’m Pushing My Luck With This One
On workdays, my alarm clock goes off at 9:30 am. I generally groan ‘n’ thrash for the next thirty minutes, sigh real loud, and finally hoist my heft off the platform around 10:00. But, for unknown reasons, the clock didn’t start chirping until 10:55 yesterday.
And it threw my entire Wednesday into disarray…
I wanted to tell you guys about the events of Monday, but my pre-work calibration was off. It was compacted-down, and I wasn’t able to recover. So, sorry ’bout that; I hate not being able to update. But I’ll tell you the story now…
To be honest, I hesitate to even bring this stuff up. Because it’ll likely trigger diatribes (both pro and con) and much jumping to conclusions. And a few folks might even be offended. Politics and religion are dangerous territory, it’s well-known, and this tale is about the latter.
You see, I bring nothing to the table, when it comes to religion. I was raised a Baptist, but it never took. On the day my parents stopped requiring me to attend church, I stopped going. I never liked it, not for a single minute.
However, and this is the point I’d like to emphasize, I’m not anti-religion. Not at all. Just because it hasn’t worked for me so far, doesn’t mean I have a big chip on my shoulder about it. That’s one of the places where people often jump to conclusions.
When our kids were young, Toney and I had a conversation about all this stuff. She’s not all that religious either, but was raised a Catholic. She felt the boys should be exposed to church, in a very casual way, and they could do with it what they will, as adults.
I didn’t disagree, and so… our kids are Catholic. Casual Catholics. Toney is as well, and I’m not anything. I’m just a spiritual free agent, afloat in the world…
And on Monday our oldest went through confirmation, which is why Toney’s cousin came up from Philadelphia. She was his “sponsor.” I’m unclear on the exact role of the sponsor, she just kinda stood behind him during the ceremony, but whatever.
Once again, I was the baffled outsider. I’ve attended several Catholic ceremonies during my life, and a couple of Catholic weddings, but this one was taken to the next level. And I was thoroughly confused.
It was held at a large church in our town, and there were more than a hundred 8th graders involved. Oh, it was quite an event.
The kids were all wearing long robes, with sashes. Each sash had the name of a saint on it, and our boy (as well as many other boys) was sporting John — my Dad’s name. One kid had chosen Aloysius, which I thought was kinda cool.
They all filed in, a random boy walking with a random girl, and were seated in the front several rows of pews.
Then a whole contingent of priests entered, along with several children carrying various items, a person holding an ornate staff with a cross on top, and three elderly men inexplicably dressed as 19th century sea captains.
After this gang was nearly settled, the Bishop entered. He was an older gentlemen, dressed like the Pope. Only his hat wasn’t nearly as tall… Apparently the higher a person rises in the organization, the taller his hat? Is that the way it works? I’m unclear.
As he made his way toward the front of the room the man in the abbreviated Pope hat shook hands and greeted people. It took quite a while for him to complete the journey, and it reminded me of the President, before the State of the Union address.
After some singing and a few prayers, the Bishop clipped a microphone on his collar, and began talking to the 8th graders. And he was kinda… odd. His voice would sometimes get very, very high, so that only dogs could hear it, then instantly go low, like the Statler Brother way down on the end.
He would also talk in hushed tones, and suddenly shout a word or phrase — scaring the crap out of everyone. At one point he screamed “DIRTY MAGAZINES!!” apparently as part of a story he was telling, that nobody could follow. I couldn’t, anyway.
Occasionally he asked the kids a question, and they all looked terrified that they’d be singled out. His talk lasted for at least thirty minutes, and there was tension in the air. It seemed like anything could happen, that almost anything was possible. Heh.
Then the ceremony kicked into high-gear, and I kinda lost track of it. I remember lots of call-and-response with the audience, spontaneous handshaking, a man swinging an incense burner on a chain, several priests on the edge of the stage bowing in unison and reminding me of the synchronized rockin’ guitarists in Molly Hatchet.
…Is that the right word, stage?
At one point the Bishop was wearing a beanie, and a man came up behind him, plucked the thing off the old guy’s head, placed it lovingly on a silver tray, and carried it off.
By the end, the place was full of scented smoke, my eyes were watering and my throat was burning, people were drinking from a jewel-encrusted chalice, the choir was singing, the Bishop was holding a silver staff, and three British admirals from the 1800s were in attendance…
It all seemed very strange to me, the outsider. As, I’m sure, a Baptist service would seem to… most people. What with all the shouting and shaking and wallowing around in the floor.
I don’t know. I hope I’m not being disrespectful. But have you ever attended an unfamiliar ceremony of some sort, which kinda blew your mind? Religious, or otherwise? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I won’t be able to update on Friday, I’m afraid, but will shoot for a weekend post, to make up for yesterday.
See you guys next time!
Filed under: Daily
Ain’t Catholicism great?
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could it be 1
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hiya!
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The Admirals were most likely an honor guard for the bishop from the “Knights of Columbus” They seem to be a group of old men who got jealous of the shriners and formed thier own catholic silly-dress-up group.
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I was never into the religion side of it but the Catholic school system was, in retrospect, great.
It was learn this stuff or get your arse kicked. Quite motivational.
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TOP 10 – FANTASSTIC
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LOL. As a Catholic and former alterboy, I followed your journey in a strange land perfectly. And as far as being offended, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
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I see nothing offensive at all about the update. Seriously. A humerous look at your experience in an unfamilar church.
I had more or less the opposite experience.
I’m Greek Orthodox, which is where Catholicism originated. We’re all about rituals, dead languages and men dressed as Elizabethan wormen, albeit bearded ones.
I was out of high school before I attended a wedding outside the Greek Orthodox community. It was a baptist event and was quite a shock to me.
Weddings at my church are elaborate. The bride and groom exchange no vows, drink wine, are draped with white cloth and led on a short parade while wearing Imperial Margerine crowns (you know, all the standard stuff). Most of the service in my church is in classical Bulgarian which almost noone speaks and the whole thing takes about an hour.
Then we all go to a hall, eat some of the greatest food in the world, dance for hours in a line while holding hands and drink our way into the next day. A great wedding goes unitl 2 AM.
200 people is small, 500 is about average.
Imagine my surprise in the baptist church. It seemed like the bride and groom came in, said I do to each other, said a prayer and they were out the door in under 20 mintes.
Then the 70 or so guests were sent to the church basement for punch, finger sandwiches and cake. A bouquette gets thrown, a few pictures are taken and then everyone leaves. You’re home by 5 PM.
The whole time I was in that basement I was wondering when we were going to leave for the hall and dinner and dancing. I was stunned when they told me it was over and that it was time to go home.
It took me the better part of my 20′s to get over the surprise.
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I have been to many religious ceremonies that are strange. I grew up penticostal and returned to the church in my later years. I have seen all sorts of silliness. I find the Catholic church especially strange though. very strange indeed. its all what you are used to I guess.
Anyone see Weeds when Doug was playing the banjo and singing about the Jesus people?? Hilarious
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I attended a Catholic wedding once. The bride was Italian, the groom was French, and both families were hardcore Catholic. The ceremony seemed to go on for hours but the worst part was that we constantly had to stand or kneel. I didn’t really care what position they wanted us in but it took a monumental amount of self control not to tell the priest to make up his fucking mind.
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I can’t wait to see where the comments go…
I was raised Catholic but have not been to Church in a couple of years. I think I may be beyond “casual” but I’m not sure. I have nephews making their First Communion soon so I’ll be sure to ask Father Rick what constitutes “casual”.
It’s been so long since my Confirmation I don’t recall if we had a Bishop perform the ceromony or not but I do remember having to choose a Saints name. I choose Louis as it’s my fathers and my sponsers middle names. Aloysius (aloe-whishus) was my paternal Grandfathers name so I find that cool as well.
Seems like we break out the incense for everything other than a standard Sunday mass, and I still love that smell.
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I am an atheist, but religions fascinate me. When I was 11 I went to some Evangelical church and there was much hollering and waving of hands and wrending of garments and such. That was pretty much when I said “no thanks” to organized religion. The only thing I find offensive about religion is when complete strangers ask me “where do you worship?” I know they are probably just being friendly and would LOVE to have me visit their church, but this just sets me off. I used to answer “Macy’s”, but now I am a lot more polite….I think.
My husband and I call the megachurches “Christ Incorporated”.
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catholic here, my confirmation name is john, however i joked about aloysious (sp?). weird.
not offended at all. i think, and fellow reporters can help me out, that catholics can usually take a joke about religion. the long masses (but only once a week), the sips of wine, the dry ass wafer, and old men with baskets of money on sticks. we get it, it’s weird to outsider, it’s weird to us, but in the end we go have a beer.
recently my super catholic grandma died and me and my immediate family tailgated the viewing.
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Sometimes no comment is worse than a comment.
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Interesting account, Jeff, but what color shirt were you wearing?
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I am a recovering Catholic (read: Atheist) and when I was a youngling, we attended mass in LATIN. Yeah, good times. My grandparents (from Italy) were hardcore. My parents – casual. But my family in Italy – atheist. My cousin told me the only reason to go into the churches in Florence was for the artwork. True.
Funny, almost everyone I know who is an atheist was raised Catholic. Are you beginning to see a pattern?
Happy Thursday, Surfers!
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You went to MASS! I’ll be brief here. Mass is comprised of two sections: liturgy of the word, which contains a first reading (from the old testament), a psalm, 2nd reading, gospel (from the new testament), and homily, or sermon. The second half is the liturgy of the eucharist, or the communion service That’s where you eat the wafer and drink the wine. This formula is the same for all Roman Catholic churches. When there’s a confirmation scheduled, they stop in the middle of Mass, do the confirmation, then pick back up where they left off, and finish the Mass. Regarding the admirals, cashoe was right on the mark, but you have to be a “fourth degree” knight to wear the silly hat and the sword.
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No comment.
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Tyrosine – “..but it took a monumental amount of self control not to tell the priest to make up his fucking mind.” …too funny. That was me you heard laughing.
My confirmation name is William. Or as I am now known Will. I. AM.
Not religious any more but do enjoy Gaither Band. It moves me, what can I say.
The one I couldn’t figure out was the bell ringing as we AGAIN recreated the last supper. It seemed every alter boy rang it at a slightly different time during the re-enactment so it kept the audience on edge in antici-
-pation.
You know if this had happened back in the late 50s (?) the mass would have been in Latin. And there would have been a goat slaughtered. And chanting… and nuns doing the CAN CAN. Plus they don’t release the snakes any more. At least that’s what my older brother used to tell me used to happen.
Apse
As the term is commonly used in church architecture, “apse” denotes the often domed, semicircular or polygonal termination where the altar is located. Thank you interwebs.
Jeff, this was awesome – good job buddy. You know food is a good topic. Religion today. I bet you somehow do slip in some politics. Maybe the topic could be how Sarah Palin feels about KFC being served at Catholic functions.
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I love this. I have had the SAME thoughts. I was raised to just be good to people and to love god in your heart (now Agnostic) not in church. My husband is a recovering Catholic (Atheist). However we have taken his grandfather to a few masses and been to a few weddings and I always sat silently confused, shocked and at times terrified. The automatic answering in unison made me want to run away as fast as possible hoping the punch wasn’t passed to me. We are raising our son to just be caring and he can make the religion decision when he wants to.
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Catholicism – the KFC Double Down of religions.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
Haven’t been to church in a long while. Last time I was was for my father in law’s funeral and that was several years ago.
I was baptized Presbyterian and probably quit going in my early teen years.
The wife is Episcopalian and we were married in her church.
I liken that denomination as “Catholic Light” or “Catholicism without the calisthenics”
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The whole time I was reading your post I was hearing the voice of the Impressive Clergyman from the movie The Princess Bride.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8
mairwage….etc.
I don’t really have a specific religion but I do drop my kids off at church on Wednesdays so they can learn a little something. They haven’t been to “real church” service cause they are 9 & 11 and can barely sit still long enough to poop.
I don’t go to church for alot of reasons but mostly cause I cuss about every 3rd to 5th word. Nothing too big but I toss out alot of damns and Holy shits & screw thats. So church is hard for me. I fit in better at ball games and outdoor concerts and such. Congrats to your kid though, Don’t really understand why they rename them though.
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This talk about the Knights of Columbus reminded me of my Granpa Aloysius’ funeral. He was a 4th degree Knight and at his wake there was a 4th degree Knight present at the casket at all times. They also led the funeral procession into and out of the church. And your right about old, cashoe, my Grandpa was 90 when he died and I don’t think but a handful of the Knights were any younger than he was.
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my friends all send their kids to Catholic schools(so the Nuns can smack them, I guess) No offense if any one is a Nun…they all consider themselves Catholic now(it seems to be a more esteemed religion) but we all grew up together, and are about as “Catholic” as my left boob. (no offense left boobs..)
I call them “convenient catholics”
See, these are the people that belong, yet don’t practice any parts of catholic faith until they go to mass.
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I’m not to much of anything, but have experienced some old tyme Baptist action. I’m used to people hopping and shouting and turning all manner of colors. I used to think nothing would confuse me until I went to my half-brothers church in West Virginia and there was “Talking in Tongues”. Yep, someone all of a sudden stood up and started yammering in some freaky language and then, I never knew this part, another person stood up and started yammering the translation. I guess God was angry and the end of days was coming on us quickly and people should repent. I shit you not if all of a sudden that person looked over at me and started divulging secrets or masturbation schedules about me I would have been running for the back door.
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Here’s a religious ceremony I’ve attended that was … strange. A housewarming for a Hindu friend. Yes, you read that correctly. A housewarming is a religious ceremony. I had to sit on the floor (on blankets) and take my turn at doing some stuff with some food and liquid (milk?) in front of a statue of a god (maybe an elephant?). I’m fuzzy on the details as I didn’t speak the language and had no idea what the “priest” was telling me to do. I just mimicked what I had seen the hostess doing. Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve had to pretend to serve milk to an inanimate elephant with a spoon.
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Ron, talking in tounges isnt unusual in WV, even in Dunbar.
I remember when I was younger my moter and some ladies from our hcurch, yes a little Dunbar church, went out somewere in the woods and while they were singing, somebody brought out snakes. Yes actual live hissing snakes. We tried to make a back door but wasn’t able, but we did scoot out of there really fast, and never went back.
During MardiGras I did see some crazy drunks on Fat Tuesday, at midnight the bars on Bourbon Street closed for their 1 reuired hour per year. So all the drunks head over to Jackson Square to the church, still drunk and dressed in some crazy clothes, to get ready for the Ashe Wednesday service.
Catholics, why didn’t we get raised this way? Drinkon saturday ask for forgivness on Sunday, and then start all over. Great concept!
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I used to be a Catholic, but now I’m a coptic snake-handler.
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Bumblebee – I go to Mass at 5 pm on Saturdays (well, I haven’t been in a while), but that way, I can party all night on Sat and don’t have to get up early on Sundays! Win-win!
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As an Atheist I don’t have much to bring on the religious half of the table, but the update was great as usual, Jeff.
Every time I think of religion, I also think of the late, great George Carlin, who summed it up best:
“In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a Clergyman. Because when it comes to bigtime, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion.”
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Y’all can only imagine how much I (a SERIOUSLY non-practicing Jew, married to a moderately-practicing Catholic) enjoyed this entry today. Great stuff, Jeff…and to the follow-up commenters as well.
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My ol’ gaffer was catholic, and a Free Mason.
I didn’t know that he was a Mason until a few men in funny costumes with aprons took over his funeral and said really scary stuff.
I did not sleep that night.
My mom’s family is Mormon, so church in my childhood consisted of singing, people from the congrigation giving 3-5 minute speeches, more singing, some unlucky bastard having to give a 15 minute speech, and more singing.
The creepy thing about a Mormon church is how uncommonly “nice” the people are. Even when you’ve known some of them long enough to know better, they’re just so “happy” to see you. They see you, yes… and they’ll do everything in their power to make you one of them.
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I do thoroughly enjoy ‘Big Love’ though. Just thought I’d throw that in there….
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HA HA HA! What–your Bishop didn’t slap the kids? It’s supposed to remind them of the crulety of the world. I wonder if they did away with the Confirmatino Slap now. Prolly none too acceptable by today’s parents.
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I just remembered, under my confirmation robe I wore a powder blue leasure suit.
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I was raised Catholic in a pretty low-key church. we still had the sit-stand-kneel stuff, but most of the other medieval crap was kept to a minimum. So myself and my peers were shocked as hell when we went through our confirmation ceremony – our local bishop was out of town or something, so we had a guest bishop. This guy was old school – and when we went through the line, he “slapped the sin outta” each and every one of us. Literally. Right across the face. It still makes me go wow to think about it.
And for the record – yeah, I’m an atheist now too. I wonder if it’s really mostly former Catholics that are now atheists, or are they just the ones that are mopre vocal about it?
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Although not the official, pious word, that swining incesne on a chain has always been referred to as a “kerchunker” and when sung, it kicks it into high “kerchunking action.”
As a kid, I witnessed a Greek Orthodox High Priest funeral – lots of chain dragging and shouting. This is what I could see and hear through the fence that surrounded the property. It was frightening and fascinating all at the same time.
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Sheesh, sorry – INCENSE and SWUNG (on a chain).
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I had to look up the slapping thing as it didn’t happen to me… but I think I figured out why so many are confused by the Catholic religion – The bishop slaps the person being confirmed right AFTER saying Peace be with you. What? Peace and THEN you bitch slap me?
Almost 40 posts and not one comment about what’s going on with priests? Doesn’t anyone else see the dead rhino head on the table?
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All you non-catlicks, each and every mass follows the exact same boring script. Once you’ve been to a couple you’ll see the pattern emerge.
If the place your at has the mass books (been so long I’ve been to church I don’t even remember the books name) at the seat, follow the bouncing ball and you’ll know when to sit, stand, kneel, blow yer nose. You can then sit back, contemplate life, the universe and everything, or just stare at the girl across the aisle who is showing you more leg than she probably should and figure out just why the church seems to revolve around money and other materialistic crap that turns many of us catlholics into casual catholics (does that make us lutherans?) or recovering catholics.
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I once went to a midnight mass with some Lebanese friends and then a couple years later I attended another friends Catholic wedding. They both seemed the same to me except someone got married at the end of one of them. It was a workout for the Catholics; lots of standing then sitting then kneeling then sitting then kneeling then standing. Sort of a Sweating to the Scriptures.
I guess I am a bapti-costal with foul language. I could explain that but I’m sure no one wants to know. At this time.
=8^-)
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The only reason that church brings in the young-uns is to size up the ones they’re going to molest.
How anyone could present their offspring to an organization that doesn’t deny up to 16% of their managerial employees do what they do to them is beyond me.
I think I saw the Rhino
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the bells were because when the priest would offer up the gifts his back would be turned to the congregation (audience) and they wouldn’t know to bow their head or whatever when he did.
My grandma had a priest that had a stroke so got around in a motorized wheel chair. I called him robo priest.
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My take on religion: don’t claim it if you ain’t gonna live it — and I mean all of it. No à la carte, pick-and-choose which principles you want to live, I go to church on Sunday and then go home to fornicate with my live-in girl/boyfriend all afternoon type of thing.
Now where’s that Double Down I brought home for lunch?
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…and no abortions on Friday!
Wait, I think that’s not right.
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Anyone been to an Amway Convention?! Like a long, long, long Catholic Ceremony, lots of sitting and standing and everyones wearing a suit!!!!! Vert disturbing….
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Right on Brynhildr….
the saying is “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car”.
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Or whipping your dick out at a bar doesn’t make you a quarterback.
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Try out a high Anglican church service sometime. I seem to recall the priest giving the homily with his back turned to the congregants. How very friendly. Also, there was incensing and bell-ringing (from somewhere in the sanctuary!) and lots of very elderly ladies with fancy hats on.
Brynhildr – preach it!
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Catholic, lapsed, back again.
Our church will be confirming next month but with no “smoking pocketbook” (it sets off the fire alarms) and no cheek touch either. Our Bishop memorizes the names of the Candidates and reads them off correctly to the amazement of the crowd. My confirmation name was Raphael, as in, one of the 3 Archangels and patron saint of travelers (used to do a lot of air travel).
Missals . . . just find the date and follow along.
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Again, nicely done, t-storm. I am however beginning to wonder if you aren’t perhaps one of Big Ben’s victims — if he swings both ways, that is. You seem overly obsessed.
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What a great topic! I suppose that religious ceremonies do seem strange to the outsider, but normal if you grew up in that religion. Although I don’t understand many other churches and their practices, I will respect their right to worship in whatever way the want.
I was wondering when someone was going to bring up the Mormons, and Maki did!! Yes, the Mormon church service is much more tame, compared to others I’ve read or heard about, but perhaps still a bit strange to an outsider. Most mormons, you’ll find, are friendly, nice, happy people…and not just on Sundays!
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Bryn,
I admit, I’m a Bengals fan and therefore have a hatred for all things Pittsburgh. The Steelers, the convent/monastery we went to for our 8th grade sr. trip, the Pirates (Except for Dock Ellis), etc.
And being a huge Cincinnati fan, Miami of Ohio can go blow a bag of big Ben’s dicks, too.
And finally, I still listen to a lot of cincy talk radio (while living in Oklahoma) so I get to hear about the regional issues quite a lot.
But really not obsessed as much as its on my mind lately and oh so very easy. 4 yrs ago they’d be jokes about Chris Henry or Odell Thurman.
Also, BR did what he did in Milledgeville, GA. Class does anyone know what famous person came from Milledgeville, Ga? That’s right, the whore that Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman was from there.
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“Brothers & Sisters”…can’t we all just get along?
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I remember seeing the inside of one church, during a weekday – on a nonchurch day, where they had bongo drums tucked under all of the benches for the people to use! I thought THAT would be a fun service to attend! I enjoy some of the Gospel music. Some of it can get pretty loud and lively! I’ll admit, seeing drums and guitars in a church seems odd to me. I’m way more use to the traditional church organ type of music, singing hynms and sitting thru a much quieter service. No standing and waving arms, shouting “Praise Jesus” or clapping and dancing around!
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The West Virginia Surf Report is so efficient in bringing to the fore front the suppressed memories that have hidden so quietly in the back of one’s mind.
I was maybe 8 or 9 and my babysitter at the time was in her early twenties. I went to her house on night while mom & dad went out. Once there, I was informed that we were going to her study class. OK, guess I’ll go, don’t have much of a choice.
Well, “study class” was actually Bible class/ Church sermon in some weird ladies basement. The preaching and praying were scary enough. They were really getting into it; arms outstretched, head back, eyes closed, swaying to and fro.
Then the really freaky thing happened. One woman in the front of the room lets out this banshee like howl at the top of her lungs and starts spewing out “lushna toka toona nisha lin loot, ticky tacky walla walla bing bang.!”
First and only time, other than seeing it on TV, someone speaking in tongues. Really creeped me the fuck out.
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LOL, I’m Catholic, and I find nothing wrong with what you said at all. I believe in God, but I am not interested in going to church. My mom would make me go growing up, and I attended ‘Sunday School’ until I was in 8th grade (which sucked). I was also an alter girl (which sucked worse), because I never knew what color sash to put on, always felt like an idiot walking up and holding the book for the Priest in front of our HUGE church, and my robe was always too big so I feared tripping on my face, but once I was in highschool I pretty much told my mom I wasn’t going to go anymore. So after that, we started going just on holidays, then not at all. She gave up trying to get us 4 kids to go.
“His voice would sometimes get very, very high, so that only dogs could hear it, then instantly go low, like the Statler Brother way down on the end.” This was the part I never could figure out either! One Sunday we were saying the Our Father, the next Sunday we were singing it. But it wasn’t even any kind of song, it was just whenever the Priest felt like raising and lowering his voice, so everyone was following his lead, but in there own ‘high and low’ way. Hilarious.
I guess another reason I always didn’t like church was because, as a kid, you get that painful knot in your stomach because you know you have school the next day while you’re sitting there, smelling the garlic breath and Bengay of the old man behind you. I know all I could think about was going home and playing video games and getting the heck outta those nice clothes.
T-Storm-Couldn’t have said it better.
I still pray when I need too, I believe in all things believable, church is just not for everyone.
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Thursday Afternoon Quiz:
“The more crap you believe in, the more better off you are”
Name the movie and/or actress.
Then you can go back to licking your front teeth….
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A few things…
When did Christians start in with that, “Have a blessed day” crapola? They don’t care what kind of day I have. So annoying.
When did Jesus go all mass market? It’s non-stop with the t-shirts and ball caps. Can you get sponsored? Like Nascar for praying?
” three elderly men inexplicably dressed as 19th century sea captains.” – probably the caterers from LJS. A smart move for any gathering.
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Jeff – You handled this “dangerous territory” of religion very nicely, well done! And you were afraid you might ruffle some feathers, or offend. HA, not this bunch!!Let’s do Politics next and see where that takes us! Just kidding. I’m sure the comments and discussion would be much more angry and heated (and fun to read) if we did open the comments to political matters. But I understand that we have an understood rule here that politics are off limits! We can freely comment about sexual intercourse, strange religious practices and other touchy subjects, yet we can’t handle political opinions??
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I live in the shaddow of Rick Warren’s Christ, Inc., megachurch–he actually started it about 20 years ago in the gym of our local high school (they call them “multi-purpose rooms” now that they can’t afford to build both a gymnasium and an auditorium). I went once while he was at the H.S.–good music, a good gathering of good O.C.’ers, a feel-good message, and a subtle pitch for donations that would be used to “spread the word”. And to buy several acres of prime O.C. real estate (it ain’t cheap here, folks) upon which to build the campus.
Once was enough. I guess I just can’t get past the inclination to ignore science in the interest of “faith”.
On the subject of donations and rhino heads–how do all you Catholics feel about handing your money over to the “pay off the abused children fund”? That’s gotta be a wee bit troublesome, IMHO.
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hee hee hee I am a former Mormon, but I didn’t get kicked out — not even for being unusually mean, as some of you may suspect. I left quietly and of my own accord. My (pseudo)Catholic father breathed a sigh of relief, but my (Christmas-only)Lutheran mother was a bit disturbed by it. I’m still waiting for BYU to get wind of my activities and rescind my college degrees.
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That’s the problem with religion…people want to tell me how to do it. What does it matter how often I go; where and when I go…What I call myself? I don’t get it. Too bad we don’t have freedom of religion.
I guess if I’m not welcome I’ll have to switch. I’m going Frisbeetarianism – The philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck. (George Carlin)
“His voice would sometimes get very, very high, so that only dogs could hear it, then instantly go low, like the Statler Brother way down on the end.” Jay Leno was your priest?
Lee Harvey – I cheated with google but a hint for the rest is that the original author sounds similar to Bukaki. I just wanted to say bukaki.
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rats
I used a word on Jeff’s no fly list…twice…
oh well I thought it was funny but I’m easily amused
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Being raised in a predominantly catholic town I have been in the church but never attended a service. I was however a bridesmaid in a catholic wedding. I was soo paranoid about passing out thats the only thing I remember from the hour long wedding. I concentrated on not locking my knees since that is what I heard caused the said passing out at wedding service.
I was raised in a Methodist church where you just have to sit there sing and listen to the sermon. Once in a while you have to stand up. My friend invited me to go to a baptist service with her in high school and boy was I shocked. There was screaming talking in tongues and craziness going on. Plus the service lasted for four hours! Blew my mind at the time.
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I know what a “confirmation name” is only because I dated a Catholic girl in high school. I was raised Episcopalian (Catholic Lite) but stopped going to church as soon as I was able to get away with it. I guess I’m an atheist, not to be confused with an Atheist, but as Jeff says, minus the chip.
About the most unusual religious ceremony I’ve attended was a Mohawk wedding. It was some friends of my brother’s getting married, so we drove up to the Rez, which straddles the New York – Canada border; the drive seemed to take forever. Anyway, the entire ceremony was conducted in the Mohawk language. There was no music, dancing or audience participation, just the seemingly-endless droning of the officiant. Jorge’s description of a Greek Orthodox wedding sounds like a lot more fun.
Post scriptum: I hereby cast my vote for continuing to abstain from political discussion on this site. It would only cause anger and bad feelings, because too many people have Wrong Ideas.
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Four hours! Holy Crap! We had a priest who could say Mass in Latin in 27 minutes! That’s the one my dad dragged me to. It started at 7:30 on Sunday morning. We were out by eight, and for dad, that was cocktail hour. Mom was a Baptist, and that drug on from 9:30 til noon. By then, daddy was shitfaced. Yea, Sunday meals were always fun. He was drunk, she was pissed.
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no fly list?
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The last word of my last post was likely a trigger for my comments to be moderated ..perhaps to check context? Just guessing…Haven’t been moderated since I started but I guess I found a context in which that word can be used..
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I believe it’s bukake.
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Oh yeah. The gentleman in the picture at the top of the page looks more 18th century than 19th, but whatever.
hot fuzz – I’ve seen your “no fly” word before, but not spelled that way. Funny that it should trigger moderation. Idea for fun: put different risque words in a series of posts, and see which ones [don't] get through.
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I believe it’s shocking the first time you see it.
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Maybe I was being punished for my spelling…or maybe for not shutting the hell up already.
g’night y’all
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I’ve attended five or so ritual single killings (catholic weddings) since meeting my better half. I still can’t make sense of them, but ironically found myself attending a college buddy’s ceremony some weeks ago. The most entertaining parts were actually the wasps in the top of the church, which would make occassional fly-by’s at the priest and the japanese lady beetles that were forming some sort of expanding rorschach on the ceiling. The church was located some 35 miles away from the nearest road in the windy ozarks and seemed to have been built during the great depression from german-sourced funds. I think the priest had even been raised from the dead to perform the ceremony (which I could have seen that one… maybe.) At least the whole kneel-and-bob thing was abbreviated since there was a distinct lack of Catholic attendees. Even the oyster cracker trick was left out.
At any rate, I still can’t make heads or tails of most of the ceremonies so I might be “Catholic-Proof” or at least “Catholic-Resistant”. Maybe next I’ll write about the Bahai events I went to.
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I was raised Methodist, which was boring, but tolerable. They gave their sermon and made us stand up to sing hymns now and then, sort of stretch our legs a bit.
So I was TOTALLY freaked out when my mom dragged me to a Pentecostal service. Screaming, rolling around, yelling gibberish…that made me a Buddhist reeeeeal quick.
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When I sneeze…don’t bless me. Number one…you don’t have the authority and secondly…it’s my fucking sneeze and I actually enjoy it so stay the fuck out of it. Fuck you and fuck St. Sinus for feeling the need to help my soul along somehow.
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Catholism – apart from all that Inquisition stuff and the current ‘scandal’ its pretty cool!
The bunker cam pic is from Amsterdam, so who knows what he’s been up to!
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I was raised Catholic and am now pissed. My family came from Italy and used their Catholic faith to get them to the promised land safely. Now, to have it made a mockery of seriously offends me. You all should be ashamed. Religion, and especially Catholicism, is sacred. For it to be the brunt of jokes is disturbing. I cannot believe that I have frequented this website. You, Mr. Kay, should be ashamed.
Just kidding, I am now an atheist. Former altar boy (no touching). Pattern…check. To each his own, but, religion in general, not only Catholicism, is odd in my eyes. But what the hell, who cares.
I worship beer.
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Jeff,
Today’s post is pretty close to the way you were writing when you had a readership of 10 or 20, except then you would have left out the weasel-words and pre-apology. I swear you’re at your best and funniest when you write from the worldview (to quote George Gobel) that the world is a black suit and you are a pair of brown shoes, as you did today and as you used to.
That was the perspective from which you did your radio commentary, and every one of those was a dead-solid winner.
Obvioiusly, I enjoy your writing every day. I keep coming back. But now that the boys are older you don’t have much leisure, and you have a difficult work schedule to boot. I think some days you’re just clinching on the backswing a little. Today’s piece was relaxed, funny and personable.
Yeah, I know…we can talk about giant clitorises and people with disabilities looking funny and the first time we got laid, but Reporters rarely offer a critique of your writing. Well, I like your writing too much to not offer an occasional observation; do with it what you will.
I swear I did a spit-take on the sea captains.
with fondest regards…
jtb
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I’m a Catholic, confirmed as Aloysius (same as my dad), and a regular mass attender. However, I don’t mind having to miss a service occasionally when traveling, or attending Our Lady of the Fairways instead.
There’s a few things about being Catholic I like better than other religions:
The service is relatively short. Most days mass id over in an hour to an hour and ten minutes. I’ve transplanted to the bible belt where services are know to last 3-4 hrs on Sunday and Wednesday nights for some other denominations. And yes, I’ve been to some 27 minute services where, even as a regular church-goer, it was difficult to keep up. I do actually enjoy going to mass though, and wouldn’t go if I didn’t. Finding the right church and priest is often key for that.
We can drink alcohol and dance, even at church functions. Catholic wedding receptions are loads of fun! Like Jorge, I was shocked when I attended a reception in the church basement. “Where’s the beer???!!!” I said!
Catholics in the US follow their own moral guidelines that depart for more modern morals preached from teh vaticam. For example, I would bet most practice the use of birth control, and not just the rhythm method. Most would also be in favor of allowing priests to marry.
Jeff, your description of the service was spot on, and I enjoyed hearing is from your perspective. I agree with johnthebasket, when you write form a worldview-brown-shoes approach you are very funny. I look forward to your book.
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teh vaticam = the vatican. Stupid fat fingers.
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Well, I am really late to this party…or should I say “service”…
Nice update, Jeff. I, too, am not big on the religion thing. Everyone is entitled to their own belief’s or non-belief’s.
I am Presbyterian. My parents never went to a church service as long as I can remember but made me go to Sunday School every week. As a smart-ass kid, I always use to say…why should I go if you don’t?? But then I was always threatened with explaining to my Minister why I had a fat lip.
Now that I live in PGH…I swear I am the only non-Catholic in the freakin city. My ex used to tell me horror stories about the nuns in grade school…Sister Mary Charles Bronson and Sister Mary Dirty Harry…. Sounded scary as hell with the rulers and heavy bibles used as weapons.
Back in the glorious 80′s, I dated this guy who used to drag me to his country church with his parents every weekend. His mother use to write checks to the church for amounts anywhere from 50 to 200 bucks every weekend. The amount depended on the time of the year. Holidays denoted the higher dollar amount.
One of the services I particularly remember ….. It was summer…hot and humid. We use to sit with our friends…hung out a drank Saturday night…church and hangovers Sunday morning. During the Pastor’s long-ass service, one of our friends hung over the pew and said to my boyfriend that he has a huge ball of mud on the toe of his boot…yes…cowboy boots… He leans down and picks it off and crushes it with his hand…it was a ball of dog shit. The whole place reeks of poop… So much so, one of our friends behind us started gagging…ran out to the Vestibule and barfed everywhere. I laughed till I peed.
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Sister Mary Charles Bronson was the Principal at my grade school bikerchick! She was a pear shaped woman who ruled that place with an iron crucifix. You did not want to get sent to the office and have to explain yourself to “Big Al”. We had a couple of other Nuns that taught there as well but they were much less intimidating. Ah, public school in a 99.9% Catholic community.
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at my confirmation we were required to choose a bible name although no necessarily a saints name. i was not a pleasant teenager so i insisted on jezabel–they let me keep emily.
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raised Methodist but now stay as far away from any church as possible… afraid of being struck by lightning!
Think whatever you want to think but don’t try to tell me how to live my life, convert me or kill me in the name of your religion.
I will say that sitting beside a mountain stream with no one around for miles, smoking a joint and listening to the critters will get you closer to God than being in any church.
if I had to set through any ceremony that involved chanting, tongues, dressing in strange costumes or any thing like what you described I would be making like a bad first date, that is excusing myself to go to the bathroom and walking out of there as fast as I could!
I actually worked with a guy in my last job that believed the Earth was only 6,000 years old and the entire universe was created in 7 days. Guess maybe he flunked science class?
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Dude Eronomy…I think I will change my handle here. Yep…Dude Eronomy will be on the third floor…abidden…and watching baseball.
Pass the Holy water…
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Catholic here including Catholic grade school grades 1 through 8. Yes, the Sister Mary Batshit Crazy stories are true.
Busted fingers and shins from thick wooden rulers, and slams to the back of the head with encyclopedias. These women were vicious.
Luckily, I convinced my parents to let me go to public high school, four good years of party there plus five more good party years in college. Does anyone know where I can get a cheap replacement liver?
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dto-Gary Burbank did a radio personality named Reverend Deuternomy Skaggs, I’ve been scouring the interwebs for a sound bite but I have failed. Imagine a Southern Baptist Preacher saying lines like “reach in them jeans and pull out some greens” or “Don’t make me holler, don’t make me shout. Turn them pockets inside out”.
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Last!
No odd religion stories here. I too am ambivalent about religion. Whatever helps people get through their life is fine by me as long as it is not forced my way. I only go to church when someone gets married or dies. I know a lot of people who are the same way.
I did go to catholic school for one year. I suspect the priest there was a child molester in the making, always wanting boys to sit on his lap. I knew better, and the first time he ever said anything to me I told him to “Get the hell away from me” and I never had to deal with him. I almost got expelled because of unrelated incidents, and was back in public school the next year with the rest of the delinquents-in-the-making.
Happy Friday, Surf Reporters!
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i miss the synonomous bengal
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raised cathloic but stopped participating after confirmation…my grandparents were into it but my parents were “take or leave it” and I left it.
the last time I went to church was about 5 years back with an ex and even though I grew up catholic, I felt weird. It all seemed very cultish and I felt like people were staring at me.
how about just trying to leave the world a better place than when you found it. You don’t have to save starving AIDS babies from burning buildings…just following the golden rule will get you pretty far in life….that’s what I say anyways.
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Chili is a meal!
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TGIF fellow Surfers! Peace be with you…..
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So I married an axe murderer. No not me. The movie…
Ties this and the previous WVSR posts together.
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it’s a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who’s in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate “The Colonel”?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
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Thanks WB in OH. I ain’t going to copy so dto is fine with me. (nice and short too).
Just got back from another week in Taos and I’m out of ‘holy water’……gotta make a run.
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That sounds like one badass concert. They don’t usually let kids under 21 get in those kind of rock-a-thons.
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I was raised agnostic until I was around 4 or so. My First Denomination (now a game!) was Nazarene. We flipped to Methodist, then Baptist…and then hit the new Pentecostal Church…which was being held at the (bankrupt?) Anglican/Lutheran/whatever church. My mum also encouraged me to hit the Saturday evening Catholic service with my BFF. I suppose, in retrospect, she assumed that the more time I spent in ANY church, the better.
I was the kid you always HEARD in service before you saw me. Yep. Loud, mouthy, and always getting into trouble.
It made perfect sense to sit me in the middle of a pew – next to my (Catholic) BFF at my Very First Pentecostal/Holy Roller Service.
People were jumping, running and yelling…I looked at my Dad, and in my Outside Voice hollered, “Daddy! When *I* run in church, you SPANK ME! Where is that lady’s Dad?!”
I thought my dad would die.
I still attend church, and consider myself a Hybrid.
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hot fuzz: HEAD! PANTS! NOW!
Lapsed Presbyterian here. Tried all the big name Christian religions but they didn’t take. I’m one eighth Jewish, so maybe that’s the problem. I once had a drunk rabbi tell me a camel schlong joke, does that count as a strange religious experience?
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As the 100th caller I probably win a free month on the Atkins diet. Just my luck.
My Methodist comfirmation is way past its pull date, and I don’t keep beliefs in the icebox when they might be filled with worms. In the last 50 years, I’ve moved from Christianity to secular humanism to atheism to agnosticism to the Gaia hypothesis to Wonder, and along the way cast aside more beliefs than I acquired.
My spiritual values revolve around questionis, not answers. As to churches, if you want one, I hope you find one, but the universe is confusing enough for me without trying to remember to stone my brother for growing the wrong adjacent crops or my son for being disobedient.
I start with every man is my brother and every woman my sister and go from there.
I’ve never been in a Wal-Mart, but at Target I admit to seeing some people who I would want to run a DNA check on just to make sure. Heck, any belief that’s a perfect belief isn’t a belief at all.
jtb
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Gretchen,
The Yiddish doesn’t make you Jewish, and therefore doesn’t constitute a religious experience at all. But hanging with a drunk Rabbi might make you gay. Wait a minute…I think that just counts for guys.
Wow, life really gets complicated when I try to put people in categories.
Lee Harvey – You’re only three back of me. I can feel your harsh breath on the back of my neck. Damn, does that make ME gay? Oops, there I go again…
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I too was born & raised a catholic, altar boy, etc, etc. For about a period of 2 years I served Mass for an *archbishop*, for cryin’ out loud.
Then, one day about 30 years ago, after about 15 minutes of critical thinking, I emerged an agnostic.
I’m fairly sure I believe in God/higher power; it’s His fan club that annoys the hell out of me.
Today’s quote: “Lighthouses are more useful than churches.” Benjamin Franklin
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Last mass I was at was for my grandfather’s funeral. He was catholic, my father only mildly so, and me not at all, but I had sat through enough masses with my grandparents to know what everything was and such. My boyfriend however, had never been in a church in his life, which I thought was amazing. His parents are quite anti-organized religion. So after my boyfriend assists with rolling the casket in he sits with me through the mass saying nothing until the priest turns and takes the wine and the wafers out of this elaborately studded and gilded box and my boyfriend leans over and reaaalll quietly asks “Is that the holy microwave?”
It was a big struggle not to catch a fit of the giggles in the pew lemme tell ya…
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