Working in the Twilight Zone, Elton John, and the Worst Smells Ever
Have you ever been so tired you felt like you might puke? That’s the way it was for me, yesterday. I was asked to provide “support” for day shift on Thursday, and it almost cooled me.
The problem, you see, is that I worked until 1:30 on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, slept for about three hours, and was right back in there. And since day shift is so short-handed at the moment, I had to get down in the trenches and work. I couldn’t just stand around with a knowing expression, and offer “suggestions.”
It was surreal. I was having some kind of weird out-of-body experience. I was there, working, but it didn’t feel real. And since I’m never there during the day, literally never, I didn’t know anyone. I was in a place that couldn’t be any more familiar, yet all the people there were strangers.
All of it had a pronounced Rod Serling feel to it. And when I was preparing to leave, my boss thanked me and I told her I probably wouldn’t remember any of it. And it’s true. It doesn’t feel like it actually happened. It seems more like a dream than reality.
While driving home I got stuck in a construction zone-fueled traffic jam on Interstate 81, and started nodding off while I waited. It was like Sid and Nancy for a few minutes, and I had to roll down the windows and turn up some Thin Lizzy, to stave off a full nod-out.
I stopped at McDonald’s for a $2 Filet-O-Fish, ate it at my dining room table, and promptly fell asleep on the couch. I wanted to try to write an update, since I’ve been AWOL again, but I would’ve just sat in front of the computer drooling into the keyboard.
Toney woke me up for dinner, and we tried to watch something on TV afterward. But I was out again. Just sleeping like a sumbitch. Around ten I summoned enough energy to drag my big ass upstairs, and went to bed. And I snoozed straight through until 9 a.m.
Never again. That crap nearly killed me. Next week they’re going to be short-handed again, but I think I’m going to have to say no. I don’t mind helping out, but I’m too old for that kind of shit. Heck, when I was 23 I was too old for that kind of shit. Crazy.
Tonight we’re going to see Elton John in Wilkes-Barre. Should be fun. I love Elton’s ’70s material, and he apparently performs a lot of that stuff. I’m looking forward to it.
The boys are going with us, and it’ll be interesting to get their perspective. They’re familiar with the greatest hits, since I like to play those CDs on long car trips, so they might like it. We’ll see how it goes.
The books arrived yesterday, the ones I’m going to sign and send to you folks who ordered personalized copies. The cartons are piled up in our living room, and I’ll get into them, as soon as possible. It’s a little intimidating, and I get a queasy feeling in my stomach every time I walk past the mountain. But I’ll get ‘em done. It’ll probably be fun, once I get started. And the Yuengling will help, of course.
Also, Crossroads Road is now available in the Kindle Store in Germany. Amazon sent me an email yesterday, informing me of this fact. Weird, huh? I’m picturing a blonde-haired woman with pigtails, seated in front of a giant mug of beer, reading about Sunshine. I like it!
Finally, someone at work told me a story earlier in the week, about a “big fat man” he encountered outside a convenience store. He said the dude was sitting in a car with the window rolled down, and when he walked past he smelled a thick stew of “shit, piss, and body odor.”
And as he continued with the tale, he started gagging, just thinking about it. I was laughing my ass off. He wasn’t playing it up, he was genuinely disgusted anew. I thought he might puke, which I enjoyed a great deal.
For a Question, I’d like to know about the worst thing you’ve ever smelled. Is there one experience that jumps straight to the top of the list? If so, we need to know all the details.
And if you don’t have anything on powerful funks… how about the times you’ve been so tired you were nearly sick? What was it all about? Use the comments link below.
I’ll see you guys again next time. Sorry for these absences… Believe me, it bugs the crap out of me. I hate to miss a weekday, and two makes me nuts. But hopefully we’re back on track.
Have a great weekend!
Filed under: Daily
First!
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This can’t be right . . . almost first!
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I can’t stand BO smell. I work around some people that don’t take showers very regularly.
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Stepped in dog-poo yesterday (it’s been at least 2 decades since that has happened) and it was nauseating! Forgot how bad that smells EVEN after rubbing your shoe in dirt, grass, small gravel to get as much off as you can before stepping in the car. Ewww!
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Top Five!! Happy Good Friday!
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We have a guy at work who is on constant cloud of stink. He’s in his early 40s, not married. Showers probably once a month. his OFFICE stinks like him. Even when he goes on vacation. We have air freshners everywhere. he’s a programmer, so he wanders the halls “Thinking” while his programs are “compiling”. Drags his stink everywhere.
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T. Farty McAppleass Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:53 pm
“like”.
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:07 am
Hahaha! It’s funny that you did this because since Facebook has taken over the world, I often come here wanting to ‘like’ things as well. I’m glad someone else finally did it!
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My worst smell ever was caused by Three Sister’s country ham, 1976. Or was it Two Sister’s. Anyway the after effects were horrible. And the worst part was that it was not my own I was smelling. I would love to lay claim to it, but it was not mine.
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I work in an Emergency Room as a registrar and learned a lot my first year. One evening, a large Grizzly Adams look-a-like brought his father in for emergency care and attempted to “pick me up.” His choice of food-stained matching sweatshirt and bottom was trumped only by a frightening odor swirling around him as he moved. I can only describe it as a combination of sleeping and sweating in your clothing for days, mold, and skin cell decomposition. I was able to escape and sent him back to the ER. Later, I asked the admitting nurse what the frightening smell was and he said “Sher, that was ass. That’s what happens when you don’t wash your ass.”
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Bill in WV Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:21 am
A friend of mine used to fly a medivac helicopter. He said they got a call to pick up someone way down in the southern part of the state (mining country) and, apparently, it was a 400 year old man, who was in critical condition. He said that when the medics picked the guy up, skin literally came detached from the bone and the funk was incredible. The guy was decomposing, but wasn’t dea. They got him aboard and Dave said that the smell could have gagged a maggot. They ended up having to just throw the body board that the man was lying on away because the funk had attached itself to it. Fuggin’ gross !
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madz1962 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:40 am
Since you guys are in the medical profession, is it true that old funky water that had flowers in it smells jus like a decaying body?
Ever get a good whiff of old flower water? That’ll turn a horse from his oats.
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TR Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:45 am
omg yes i forgot about old flower water, that happened to me once, i couldnt believe that flower water could smell so nasty!
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Sherri Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:21 pm
I was not aware of the funky flower smell…I will avoid that whenever possible!
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Jason Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Our wedding cake was topped with roses. A year later, when we went to eat the top tier, the smell was incredible. Even though we’d frozen it. We opened it at the Heritage Hotel in Nashville. A couple of years later we ended up with the exact same room. I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me, but I swear to God I could still smell rotten flowers when we walked in. Talk about a boner killer.
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Jason Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Hermitage Hotel. Sorry.
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icecycle66 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:10 pm
“Boner Killer”: Good name for a lesbian death metal band.
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:10 am
I am probably going regret asking this but I have too…was he really 400? If so, I am going to nightmares.
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Valentin Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 9:42 pm
someone has been hitting the sauce early…..
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 10:54 pm
D: Sad face.
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I encountered the smell In my first post-college apartment, where I was cooking for myself regularly for the first time.
There was no disposal, and after clogging the kitchen sink drain with food waste for the second time, I bought some drain covers. I figured the pipes must be pretty thin, so I bought the covers that had pretty fine mesh, thus ensuring nothing would get down there.
I was not regularly cleaning the kitchen or taking the trash out, as is the case (I think) for most early 20′s bachelors living on their own. Every two weeks or so I would need a cleanup of the area and a trash removal – this was signaled either by ants or by a rank odor.
One week I noticed a particularly bad smell, and went through the usual routine – remove moldy leftovers from the fridge, clorox wipes on the counters and stovetop, trash out, scented candle. About an hour later, the smell was still lingering, despite the efforts of Glade “Clean linen.” It now just smelled like someone had wiped their ass with a dryer sheet.
I was wandering the kitchen trying to identify the source of the smell, when I noticed the drain cover had some food left in it. (At this point, in retrospect, I should have made the connection.) I thought to myself – could it really be that little bit of food? I walked to the sink picked it up, and gave it a big sniff.
Immediately, I began to dry heave. This stench was so powerful that I couldn’t do anything but. The most ridiculous part of it was that I was so shocked by my stupidity that I was giggling uncontrollably between fits of gagging.
I replaced the mesh covers with something a little less fine, and have never smelled anything from the sink again.
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I want to sense too many Yuenglings when I see what you personally wrote inside my copy of ‘Crossroads Road’.
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Bill in WV Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:29 am
Yeah, me too. LOL
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Dave Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:54 am
Me 3.
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Sidney Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:59 am
Me three!!!
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Sidney Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:01 pm
I could have sworn Dave’s comment wasn’t there! Anyway…me also
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doctorright Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
I’m with these fine folks. I enjoy inebriation from all angles.
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Nezrite Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 10:31 pm
I’m in.
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:12 am
Me too!
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renn Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I agree. The less sense it makes, the happier I will be….and the more I will brag to my friends about how much it means to me.
Their resulting confusion will be great fun.
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dto Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 1:40 pm
I’m hoping he’ll put on some red lipstick and kiss the page he signs for me. It would mean so much.
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Tired? Tired? I’m forty-seven-freakin’ years old. My 2yr old boy just hit the Terrible-Twos and I have a 2 month old boy just discovering he has lungs. Don’t tell ME about tired.
The worst funk was my buddy’s townhouse. He went away for a month not knowing a stray cat had gotten in. We had to tear out carpet and padding, then seal the concrete below.
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paul in nh Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 4:11 pm
47? 2 year old? 2 MONTH old?
Post pic of wife……better be Angelina Jolie.
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Henderson Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 4:54 pm
You got it backwards. I had better be Brad Pitt.
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There was a critter scratching around on the ceiling tiles in my office. A friend was in the office, heard the scratching, and punched the shit out of the ceiling. A few days later, I was overcome with the most God-awful smell I’ve ever encountered. He’d squished the critter and we didn’t know it until it was too late. I almost passed out when someone pushed up the tile and pulled the dead bastard out. It was a tiny mouse. Ugh. I’m getting queasy just thinking about it.
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:16 am
I know ALL TO WELL about this smell! Our office has a huge field behind it and there is always mice dying in our office. I went in the bathroom one day and there was a tail poking under the closet door from a dead mouse. It’s seriously a smell that you never forget.
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Funny you brought up STENCH. Some chick around the corner form my desk makes popcorn every single morning around 10:30 and yesterday was no exception. Right before she started popping, I got this waft of funk that smelled like vinegar and a chemical plant. THEN popcorn. The woman next to me said it stunk like those old chemicals they used to give people a perm. the combination was staggering.
Last Saturday I woke up with a headache bordering on migraine (although I never had a migraine) and as soon as swung my legs out of bed and stood, I knew I was going to throw up. Which I did about 30 minutes later. I went back to bed and woke up at noon. I can’t even remember the last time slept until noon.
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Seanette Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 4:14 pm
To me, burned popcorn smells a bit like skunk. I understand that’s unusual.
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:18 am
My sister is notorious for burning popcorn. She put a bag in for like 7 minutes once. It came out of the microwave a black disc. It was so bad my cousin and I couldnt think of anything better to do with it but bury it in the backyard. That was probably 15 years ago, and you can still smell the faint smell of burnt popcorn in that microwave.
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I felt like that the day we left for Disney. I could not get to sleep for the life of me due to excitement and terror of getting on a plane at 6 am (never been on one), and when we got there, we went straight out and started the day and I had gotten 45 minutes of sleep. Thank God I didn’t get a headache like I normally get with sleep deprivation or I would have been done for. As far as smells…I’d have to say one of the worst I encountered was the day after my birthday bash this past year, a big group of us were up drinking in the garage until 5 am. The next morning I went out to see the damage and walked into a thick, rich fog of musty cigarette smoke, bong resin, and warm beer. I opened the big door and promptly left the scene gagging violently. Overall the party was a success.
Other smells that make me gag is CAT POOP. OMG, THE POOP!!!!!!!! My big cat has a tendency to leave rancid turds and then not cover them. He stands in there and scratches the side of the box for 15 minutes to make it sound like he’s covering it, but he’s not. He’s also gotten real high mantainence lately where he will only poop in one specific corner and then lure me in there to clean it so he can use that corner again later. He’s just the worst.
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madz1962 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:14 pm
But don’t you just love the little puddy tat anyway, poop smell and all?
I had a cat (the BEST cat on earth) who had really nasty breath. But he loved everyone and would crawl up in your lap and meow right in nostril striking distance. He was such a lover he needed to share his gaseous breath with all!
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chill Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 8:05 pm
At least he uses the box. I have a cat who thinks it’s a good idea to shit just *near* the box.
One place I lived, the woman downstairs would give herself home perms on a regular basis. What a godawful stench. Also, vegetables that have been in the fridge in a closed container for a couple of months, and turned liquid.
.
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Infected wounds are one of the worst smells on earth.
A good dose of skunk stench is a lot different close up than it is passing by on the highway. It’s like burning tires, garlic, and toejam.
Lastly, if you forget about fresh broccoli until it’s no longer fresh, you’ll never forget again.
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Not Oprah Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Agreed on infection- had a dog bite me to the bone on my calf. Did cleansing, peroxide and antibiotic cream every .5 hours, but was sitting at my desk and thought ‘wow, I smell crap’ turns out it was my leg. All better now – just scars.
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there have been a few times that i walked into a ladies dressing room or public bathrooms and they smell sooo bad of dirty lady parts. im like damn how can a women let herself smell so nasty and gross. i mean they have to smell it themselves…i was gagging and got the hell out of there as fast as i could.
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Brittney Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:51 am
I’ve often wondered that too actually. Same when people have bad breath…you can’t smell that??? I mean, how?
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TR Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:55 am
yeah any time u have any kind of b.o. it makes me think even lower of these people cuz they smell, they know they smell, and they are just to lazy or gross to care!
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bikerchick Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:38 pm
A mental note: if you can’t reach it…you can’t was it…
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bikerchick Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:40 pm
FUCKING BLACKBERRY!!!!! *wash it*
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wow a vodka tampon?? sounds like fun!
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Enjoy the Elton John concert tonight, Jeff.
We caught him last month in Philly, we got out tickets before they announced the local show.
He came onstage promptly at 8, fired up the band, pounded out the hits for an hour, Brought out Leon Russel and played most of their new album for an hour, then did more hits for the third hour.
It was a great show, he definitely plays to the audience and gets them involved. he never once left the stage, even during the “fake ending” when the band goes offstage before the encore, he stayed out and autographed and shook hands with the fans up front.
Then they did one encore and were done at 11 o’clock.
I hope when I am his age, I have that much energy.
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One time I had to pee so bad I thought I was going to die.
I was on a train from Madrid to Paris. It was my first time traveling abroad, alone, and my first time using trains that weren’t Amtrak.
I need to use the bathroom before I got on the train, but I thought, “No, I’ll just go on the train.” Big mistake.
After the train got moving I got up to go find a bathroom. There were none. I went from front to back probably a dozen times opening every hatch and door I could find. I figured I could just hold it. Nope. After another hour or so I started getting a little sick. So, I thought I would go between cars and piss off the train. Well there was no access to the outside that I could find (other that the on/off doors in the more populated cars). I could also not open any windows. I WAS TRAPPED IN A URINE FREE BULLET FROM HELL.
After another hour or so I was curled up in my seat, sweating, with a stinging pain in my bladder. I could feel my stomach wanting to heave. My hands were shaking and I think I remember my vision getting blurry. And then is when I started thinking of really strange places to go pee.
There was an old woman seated across from me…she was sleeping. I thought maybe if I was sly enough I could pee in her purse.
I thought I could pee in that little hallway between cars.
I thought I could pee a little bit in each car.
I thought I could take one my shirts and pee on it so there would be no puddle.
Maybe I could just pee on myself and act like nothing was wrong. (I almost eventually ended up doing that.)
I thought I was going to die from not being able to make my bladder gladder.
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Ed Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 10:20 pm
So what happened? Where edid you pee?
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Brittney Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:26 am
I HATE riding the Amtrack. Sometimes there are bathrooms on them, but only very new ones, and that’s rare. I’ve heard so many stories of people pooping in garbage cans, peeing in plastic bags, peeing in cups. What the hell else do they expect people to do? It should be illegal to not have bathroom access on the trains or even in the train stations. (The one by our house doesn’t). We take the train to Chicago and back for concerts and I always dread it just for that reason. I have a bladder the size of a dime I think and I will have to pee after swollowing spit I swear. I don’t even drink when we go to concerts downtown because I’m so afraid of peeing my pants on the way home. I’d try the cup or plastic bag routine but it’s obviously a lot harder for a girl to pee in into a small object discretely. I know your pain…So where’d you go at?!?!? We must know!
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icecycle66 Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 12:01 pm
After a while the train broke down in the middle of nowhere. A bunch of french dudes started whipping out bottles of wine and drinking them like the world was coming to and end.
I took two of the empty bottles, there was at least half a dozen of them, and some corks.
I went to the space between cars and pissed in the wine bottles. I remember filling each one about half way. I corked them and left them were they were.
I was groaning in pain while doing it, by bladder was stinging and my kidneys felt like they were going to explode I thought my dick hole was going to start bleeding. There was no real relief. I hurt from the bottom of my lungs to the top of my legs.
Now evertime someone tells me they are taking a train somewhere I tell them to use the bathroom before they board and to take a bottle with them.
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Alice in WV Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Sorry, ice, and sorry about your dick hole, but your story had me giggling.
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I worked across the street from this guy who fed pigs the garbage his business picked up. During July and August, the stench was off the charts.
Imagine bacteria laden garbage setting in the summer sun, then eaten, digested, excreted and left to bake in the summer sun. This must have been like a Carribbean paradise to a bacterium! I can now skip lunch…
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‘Just sleeping like a sumbitch’. Funniest thing I heard today.
A couple of years ago me and the girls decided to go out for a night on the town. Since there was so many of us, we really had to search for a night that would work for all of us. Turns out, we decided on a night when I had to be at work at 6am the next day. Eh, I didn’t mind. I decided to take one for the team. Who needs sleep? I was young and full of energy. About 9 shots in, I was DEFINETLY taking one for the team. We ended up closing the bars and eventually made it home somewhere around 3am. Only having enough time to BARELY sober up and take a shower. When I got to work, they put me on pineapple duty. I had to stand and cut 15, yes 15 cases of pineapple. I remember LITERALLY falling asleep as I stood and chopped. Worst day ever.
As far as smell, my boyfriend is an AVID fisherman. You ever smell Sonny’s Super Sticky Stink Bait? Just the words are making me dry heave.
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I have never been as tired as I was in basic training. Holy shit!
Then a year later, I smelled the worst thing in my life. Dead bodies that had been baking in Iraq’s 125 degree heat for a few days. Holy double shit!
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icecycle66 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Yeah, Basic training teaches you how to do crazy things in your sleep. I remember starting a roadmarch then waking up at my destination 10 KM away.
The entire 9 weeks is like a ghost spot on my brain.
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Sidney Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Exactly! It IS possible to walk miles while sleeping!
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t-storm Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:34 am
Never done basic but have heard stories. I’m more of a private Pyle.
However, August 1996, Cincinnati, dead body ignored for 3 weeks in an apartment in the same building I was banging a chick in. It was ok until they moved it, blurgh.
They couldn’t even tell the gender. It was some sort of INXS deal. Mmmmm liquified wiener.
I think the cat ate his face off.
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I don’t care if I act anymore.
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How about both at once. Yesterday, as a matter of fact. I meeted, greeted, assisted paper-worked and interviewed 95 prospective employees in the space of 8 hours. Marlo (I’m not changing his name to protect his privacy in any way) had the most godawful stanky ass smell I have ever had the occasion to smell in my life until his girlfriend immediately followed and sat down with me for her turn. I discovered the source of Marlo’s funk in a giant cloud of of Please, God Kill Me Now that clung to me for the rest of the day.
By 5:00 pm. I was a-dragging my old, fat ass big time.
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I’ve previously mentioned our former next door neighbor and his hygiene habits from hell…but a close second would probably be the truck that would pick up our spoiled meat at the meat processing plant I used to work at. They would take that nasty stuff and render the fat out of it. That truck could make you HURL big-time–especially during the summer. I don’t know how they ever found drivers for those things. They must have had like a nose-ectomy…or something!
Years ago, during the starving years, I worked two full-time jobs for about three months. I would start the first job at 6 am; get off at 5 pm; go home and sleep until 7 pm; work there until 5 am; rinse and repeat! I could sleep standing up on knives I was so tired…I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it now Zzzzzz…
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WB in OH Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Hey Root, were those trucks orange in color? I spent a week working inside the plant where they deliver the rotten meat and do the rendering. Good God man, it is down right nasty in there.
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Root 66 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:02 pm
WB-
The company was Inland Products. I don’t remember the color of the trucks–just the jaw-retracting stench!
You should get a medal for working there.
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WB in OH Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:08 pm
That’s a different company but I doubt it smells much different.
I would have settled for a nose plug and blinders, some of the sights were as bad as the smell.
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Root 66 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
…or a respirator! Kudos to you.
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madz1962 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Root, having had to pitch a pound of “when ground beef goes bum” and swaying in a semi conscious, dry heave stupor over the kitchen sink, I don’t even want to envision what that stink was like.
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Root 66 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Imagine having to pitch 200 pounds of rotten pork shoulder (bloated in the vacuum-sealed bags.) I had to throw some of my clothes away after that!
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When I was a teen I tried to go down on the finest girl in town. The smell was so bad, a stong shit smell, that I had to pass. I puked while retelling the story weeks later, even now I feel queezy. Wash your ass, Tina.
Something weird happened this morning. I’ve been reading about “astral projection”, which I’ve always considered bullshit, but it happened to me this morning. I was laying there and I started hearing a lot of noise, screaming and so forth. Then I “rolled” out of my body. I could see myself laying there. Also, I could see 360 degrees, all at once.
I “went back” and saw some guys in red coats shooting in a line (civil war?). Very strange. I’m going to try to go back tonight. Maybe I’ll see you naked. Anybody want to be “visited”?
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WB in OH Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Stay away from me you fucking weirdo!
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Jason Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I’m gonna be there, when you take a shower. Don’t sing or jack off, that makes me nervous.
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WB in OH Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:32 pm
It’s my penis and I’ll scrub it as fast as I want to!
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Let’s all just relax and have a vomit.
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I wonder if Elton will be wearing a tiera and elbow length gloves?
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madz1962 Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:53 pm
that’s only when her performs with Billy Joel.
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I hope he plays “Rocky Mtn High”
Oh wait, that’s John Denver…
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Elton encores with “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me”. Priceless.
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Not Oprah Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Hilarious!!!!
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Are you going to pound down a few anal beer bongs in the parking lot before the Elton John show?
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I used to manage a restaurant in Austin and almost always got stuck with the shift on the night when they pumped out the grease trap. When they cracked the top of that thing, a palpable wall o’ funk (not James Brown funk either) would rocket out and overwhelm you. I thought my nose would bleed….
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Henderson Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I miss Austin………
Which restaurant?
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What is the html code for this “Leave a Reply” comment boxes and forms?
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Yep, I get queasy when too tired, such as most of my first year of college, when I was working full-time nights and going to school 25 miles away, carrying full-time credit hours. Vivarin was a food group that year.
As for worst smells ever experienced, it’s a toss-up for me between heated cat urine (didn’t know the electric stove burner had been anointed until I switched it on) or week-dead human corpse (upstairs neighbor, rather reclusive, not hearing anything up there for a week was not at all unusual).
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Several years ago, I was scarfing down a piece of pizza for lunch, and I swallowed a crown from one of my back molars. I called the dentist to make an appointment to get it fixed, and she told me that my insurance wouldn’t cover that, and I’d have to “recover” the lost crown. Then she told me what she meant by that. I figured I’d give it a shot, because a new crown would cost $900. I had to shit into a colander and dig through it with one of those paint-stirring sticks. I’m about to vomit just thinking about it. I started to question whether it would even be kosher to have that crown reinstalled after it had been through the mill like that. I never did find it. Worst 3 days of my life.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Now every time I eat pasta I am gonna get that visual.
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t-storm Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:28 am
I shit in a colander like three times a month just to recover lost rubberbands and spoons.
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Alice in WV Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 10:16 pm
this needs to be printed on a t-shirt
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I win.
I work in an intensive care unit.
Open bellies smell bad, but the worst are either when you burp an illiostomy- meaning there’s no longer a lower intestine and your very liquid poop goes into a bag- or something called melena.
lat week we had two experienced nurses gagging when they burped a colostomy bag. I walked by and had to flee. That patient holds the current record for stench.
Melena is what happens when you have a lower GI bleed. You poop what look s like very melted canned cranberry sauce, maybe a little darker.
A quart or so of melena stool will mess you up. I hate it when I get a patient whose admitting diagnosis is GI blled becausde I know it’s going to be nasty.
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A pile of burning human bodies is a pretty bad smell.
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Greetings from your friendly organic chemistry lab. Here are three goodies:
Indole = Makes poop smell like poop
Skatole = Commonly found with the above substance.
Butyric acid = Smells like a Greek wrestler’s jock strap.
(I’m assuming)
The Wikipedia descriptions are quite entertaining. The first two molecules “have a flowery smell in low concentrations”.
Sorry, I ain’t buyin’ it.
Today’s quote: “”Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
– Drew Carey
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t-storm Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:38 am
is it butyric acid that when christalized (sp?) may explode?
I know it smells like rancid butter.
Sorry, I’m thinking picric (pycric? picryc?) acid for the exploding one.
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About 14 years ago, I was on vacation with my parents. We were pretty much just driving in a rough circle from Indiana around Kansas and Nebraska, so like up through Illinois, Iowa, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kentucky, and back home, all in one week and one hour, almost to the minute. It was a lot more fun than I’m making it sound.
Anyway, the first night of the trip, I was asleep in the back of the car, and was jolted awake somewhere in Iowa by the worst smell I’ve ever smelled in my 34 years on this earth. My dad said it was the cattle stockyards, about 5 miles off the interstate. To this day, I am sometimes hit by phantom stockyard smell, and it always makes me nauseous.
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I stink now and then. Gaud awful kinda stink. I keep moving and keep off by myself when these fucking rancid smelling bastards make their exit from a obviously dead and decaying digestive system. Ocassionaly, do to a suprise entry into my area chosen for release, I will acknowledge the deed and explaini it away by tapping on my stomach (with an ‘I know you understand’ look) and just say…”Pyloric”.
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not the worst smell ever for me, however; central london currently smells of body odour with a hint of sewerage. hurrah for global warming or some hokum!
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There’s a stretch of the NJ Turnpike, around Exit 11 or so, where the foul odor in the air threatens to eat the paint off of your auto.
I’ve heard it has to do with chemical manufacturing plants nearby.
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chill Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 9:24 pm
In the same general neighborhood, there is Fresh Kills. Driving through that in July is a real treat.
.
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renn Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 1:49 pm
We drove through that area on our way to VT last summer. It woke my kid out of a sound sleep. While gagging, she hollered, “Why does this place smell like dead hobos?”
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I’m picking up some innuendo that Elton John might be gay. WOW! News flash!
He’s a classic regardless, and I hope your family has a great time. It should be interesting to hear what the kids think of it, compared to your expectation.
Also, I’m amazingly queasy and if there’s anything I’ve smelled that could keep me gagging indefinitely, my brain has done a fine job of scrubbing the memory.
And for that, I thank my brain.
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I had to take several trips from Beckley, WV to near Norfolk, VA with an exceptionally large woman in an exceptionally small vehicle. It wasn’t so much that the smell itself was so bad, just that it was inescapable. For almost 7 hours. One way. Cabbage. Just rotting and stinking cabbage. I wanted to Old Milwaukee and ramp fart just for variety.
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t-storm Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:40 am
after trip one couldn’t you say something?
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Son of Sam Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 10:05 am
Old Milll and ramp fart nearly choked me.
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I told you cigarettes would stunt your growth.
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my hash browns from the big M just made a window through a napkin and 2 sheets of paper. Thanks Dr. Nick!
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I don’t mind clean homeless folk riding the subway but when you see an empty car and the rest are filled, do not go in. Learned this the hard way in NY.
I’ve forgot and done it a few times and each time it’s like rotting vomit and week old urine. God awful. C’mon homeless, get your act together.
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Jenny Piccalo Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 9:45 pm
“C’mon homeless, get your act together” ….hilarious !
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So I was working out in my yard today (which looks awesome now, it’s amazing what a good mowing, a pile of paver blocks, a bag of rock, and some weeding that can make a world of difference) and I was thinking about this post. I came up with a few smells…
Wet clothes or towels that have been balled up for a period of time and have gotten moldy.
The smell of a port-o-potty. Especially a port-o-potty at a music festival campground.
As somone mentioned, dead mice.
Has anyone ever smelled the inside of a wind instrument? Smells like old spit.
Raunchy breath. One of my boss’s wives has the most raunchy breath I’ve ever smelled. It’s not just like coffee breath or not brushing her teeth, it’s like she has an open wound in her mouth and can fog up the office with green cartoon stink lines in a matter of minutes. I kid you not when I tell you that I can literally smell her breath 25 feet away. She will be in my boss’s office which is one room and a hallway away and within 15 minutes I’m surrounded. It seriously smells…surgical or something. I don’t even know, it’s just AWFUL!!!! I don’t understand how anyone has a conversation with her let alone kisses her! Thankfully, she only comes in once in awhile but GAH.
That was about all I came up with. It’s bed time…
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Ed Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 12:08 am
How many wives does your boss have, anyway?
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johnthebasket Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 5:29 am
Ed…
If one of your wives were like that one, how many would you have?
jtb
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Brittney Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 9:51 am
I have 2 bosses, one is the president of the company and one is the office manager. They both only have 1 as far as I know. Ha.
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Ed Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Thanks for clearing that up Brittney. She sounds like a real winner.
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Ed Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Good question.
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Happy Easter [to anyone who observes]!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-rr3m-v1s4&feature=player_embedded
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The seventy eight year old tradition of baby rabbit clubbing in Hull, Iowa has been postponed this year due to a devilery on Thursday of yellow Peeps that were spoiled and have a slight grey cast to them. “The pink ones just aren’t the same”, Bob Tingler said. “We’ll have too many rabbits around here come Augest if we don’t do something real big on Father’s day”, he warned.
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No idea how many Reporters check out the new Facebook followers as they come across the ticker, but Tabby needs a new collection of interests. Just a tip for you young single guys out there.
jtb
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Frankly, Tabby frightens me a little. I get the feeling maybe her father made one too many excursions into Cambodia about 1970 or so. Just sayin’.
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johnthebasket Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
But she likes Patsy Cline. So there IS some hope amid the killing fields.
jtb
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johnthebasket Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Although I will stipulate that her Charlie Manson eyes sort of go with the John Wayne Gacy hobby. Dammit, Chuck, now you have me a little nervous.
jtb
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Ed Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 11:19 pm
I’m gonna guess that she only likes Patsy because she is dead.
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While I’m pimpin’ I’d like to call your attention to Rod Serling. If you are unfamiliar with his abbreviated, highway to Hell life, you should inform yourself by checking out his Wikipedia bio. Just a suggestion…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Serling
jtb
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Ed Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Interesting…
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And if you enjoy seeing attractive women musicians slightly stoned, you might consider this. Yes, I love the Go Gos. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nueQ3viJNg8&NR=1
jtb
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Knucklehead Reply:
April 25th, 2011 at 12:58 am
I almost spit out my coffee.
My husband and I always us that “Two-Dogs-Fucking” line. Classic.
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You know that Mythbusters episode where they put the dead pig in the car for 4 months and then tried to clean the car? Just seeing that liquefied carcass and the crew’s reaction was enough to make me throw up. I’ve gutted and dressed most kinds of animal you could think of, and just seeing the horrible reactions of these guys made me hurl.
Some episodes of Hoarders almost does the same thing to me….
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Late onto this one, but I had to post anyway. A New Jersey Piney worked at the farm I was working at, and he ate a whole clove of garlic every day. He smelled horrible! You could smell him 20 feet away. Whenever you drove in a truck with him, you had to open the window, or die! Even when it was 0 degrees out (it was a cold winter).
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