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With Which Famous Person Would You Like To Drive Cross-Country?

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Earlier in the week I was driving home from work — in the middle of the night — and my phone started going crazy.  Every time I receive a text message, you see, my Droid goes DROOOOID!  And it was doing that over and over again.  WTS?

I picked it up and had a look, while traveling at 85 mph, and it was Metten.  He was cranking off a whole series of text messages, real late at night.  Huh, he must be drunk, I thought.

When I got home I read them, and here’s what they said:

So I’m standing there minding my own business, right?

And this guy walks up to me on my left…

He hands me this thing and says, “Here, I’m supposed to pass you this.”

I take the thing, hold it up and look at it and I’m like, “What the fuck is this?”

And the guy says, “I’m told it’s a dutchie.”

And I go, “What the fuck is a dutchie?”

He says, “I dunno…but I was supposed to pass it to you…”

So now I got this dutchie.  Weird, huh?

Each of those is an individual text message, sent by Metten in the dark of night.  They made me laugh, but I have a feeling my original estimation of his… state, was correct.  What do you think?

And I’m fundamentally opposed to explaining jokes, but some of you younger whippersnappers are probably scratching your heads in confusion.  So, I’ll break my rule, and link to this video of a big hit song from 1982.

I’m fairly certain “dutchie” is slang for “beer nuts.” but I guess I could be wrong.

For a Question of the Day, I’d like to know which living person you’d most like to share a vehicle with, on a long road trip.  Say, for instance, you’ve accepted a job of carrying contraband Coors beer from Texas to Georgia.  Who would you like to be riding shotgun during the journey?

Please keep in mind that the two of you will be together for many hours.  So it’s important to choose someone who can be tolerated in large doses.  People like Robin Williams might be amusing for the first ten minutes, but after a while most of us would likely want to turn in our seats and kick his ass out the side door, without first tapping the brakes.

Also, you might want to be careful going highbrow with this thing.  Some folks might be tempted to say Stephen Hawking, or someone like that.  And while his conversation would undoubtedly be fascinating, there are other considerations…

For instance, how does he talk?  I’m unfamiliar with the situation.  Is it one of those electric voice box deals?  If so, it’s an instant disqualification.  I hate to be insensitive, but I’ve had experience with those vibrating throat-hole vibration devices, and they frighten me.

There was an old man on my paper route who was very nice and friendly, but when he’d hold that microphone up to his neck and start going off like Frampton Comes Alive, it freaked me out a little.  One time there was a malfunction and the box started feeding-back on him, and I was left shaking in my Pro Keds for the next two hours.  “Do you feel…?”  Holy shit!

No, I’d have to go with someone who has lived through much history, and seen a lot of stuff — preferably about baseball.  Someone like Vin Scully.  Or Sparky Anderson.  Or maybe even Joe Garagiola.  I’m not sure how Sparky and Joe are doing these days, but if they’re coherent, I think they’d be great car mates.

Clive Bull would be a good choice, as well.

If I could choose a dead person, I might go with Jean Shepherd.  But let’s stick with the living for this exercise, if you don’t mind.

And there ya go:  your Question of the Day.  I’m not sure when I’ll update again, but probably Saturday or Sunday.  Maybe Monday.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t.

In any case, I’ll see you whenever it happens.  A few days older, and a little bit dumber.

Have a great day, my friends.

Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin shirts now only $13!

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Comments

  2. I’d choose Harry Dean Stanton or Wilem Dafoe, two of my favorite actors. Dead …Dennis Hopper for sure !

  3. This one was difficult. Everyone I thought of was dead. George Burns, George Carlin, Paul Newman, Mitch Hedberg, John Lennon, Steve Irwin, etc. and so on. So I thought and thought, and the best I could come up with was Jim Bruer.

  4. Jeff–
    Congrats on the new intro for EVERY THURSDAY A THEME!
    I know you were never happy with it.
    You totally nailed it.
    Thanks for mailing it out

    I thought about it and I think I would choose
    either Adam Curry or Robert Downey Jr
    just for the stories for the long trip.

  5. I would like to drive for a long time with David Mamet – we would write screenplays together for awesome actors. He would type while I drove and spouted cinematic wisdom.

  6. Ok…I’m thinking this big ass motorhome. A bus sized fucker getting 5 gallons to the mile kinda road slug…Sucking down gas and stinking up the air. Fully stocked frig and bar, A sound system where the dials go to 11. A BAT and a satellite system that is supported 24/7 by NASA’s help line. And you know who’s riding along with me? Two words…Dennis Fucking Leary…OK! Yeah, Me and Dennis. Flippin’ off cows and mooning church buses. OK?! Fuck off…we’re coming through.

  7. I saw an entertaining interview of Jared Allen the other day on Pardon the Interruption. He was rattling off critter recipes like he was Bubba Shrimp. I think I’ll take him along for his mean elk stew.

    When I’m tired of wrassling wildlife and picking mullet hairs off the dash (he’s growing it back!), I’ll drop him off and pick up Chad Ochocinco for his amusing banter, but also because I occasionally fantasize about bouncing quarters off his tight ass. This despite being a Steelers fan. Secret shame!

    And after one two many quarters ricochet and hit me in the eye, I’ll kick him to the curb and go grab Camille Paglia for some highbrow dissection of modern society.

    Then when the butchiness is so high that the car is turning plaid, I’ll boot her out and get Tim Gunn and he can show my tomboy ass how to dress right once and for all.

    And that’s about all the gas I can probably afford for one loopy road trip. Though I should add that if I could truck around with dead folk, I’d select either Ben Franklin or Jane Austen, although Janey would be less inclined to honk my boob at every intersection, so she’s probably got an edge.

  8. I have to split the question into girls or guys because it is a completely different question depending on the sex of my road trip partner.

    Estella Warren: in addition to being a 3 time national champion swimmer, actress and a Victoria Secret model she is Canadian born and raised a few hours away from my hometown. Yet not so famous as to be pretentious…we can talk hockey, beer, and the Tragically Hip while we fall in love.

    Dimebag Darrell (Dead): anyone who’s seen the Pantera home videos knows that a cross country tour with Dime would be…undescribably entertaining.

  9. Damn kevin. I heard the cross Canadian ragweed song dimebag and looked him up. I knew the story and loved pantera but damn.

  10. Two days in a row. Sorry, Jenny. I’m well under 65, and I’ve rolled and smoked many, many marijuana cigarettes. I’ve called them joints mostly, Bay Area Bombers occasionally, and roaches when they get small and one has to employ a jefferson airplane or a clip, but I’ve NEVER called a marijuana cigarette a blunt. I know there are generational names for things, but try not to confust style with fashion. Thanks…

    jtb

    • Not sure where you are from but here , only a person who has never or would never smoke a “marijuana cigarette” would ever refer to it as a “marijuana cigarette” such as an OLD person .
      I suspect the reason you have NEVER called a “marijuana cigarette” a blunt is because they are NOT actually the same thing. A “marijuana cigarette” , joint , doobie etc etc etc . is marijuana rolled in cigarette paper such as TOPS.
      A blunt is marijuana rolled in a cigar . Often done so one can smoke in public.
      A dutchie is a blunt rolled in a Dutch Masters cigar.
      Most people that smoke blunts have a preference as to what brand of cigar or flavor . Chocolate is nice.

  11. While I actually like a couple of The Evil Twin’s Nazi carfull, and would be tempted by P.J. O’Rourke as a travel companion (I think P.J. still smokes), I would probably have to go with Kinky Friedman. A musician, author, politician, and Cuban cigar smoker, he’d keep the car rockin’ all the way to the destination which, I assure you, wouldn’t be Georgia.

    We might travel via Texas though, because Kinky has carte blanche at Willie Nelson’s ranch. Willie doesn’t call them blunts either.

    jtb

    • Nazi carful? Fuck you. Twice. How ironic that the very same people who would characterize my choices as “hateful” feel compelled to post actual hateful responses to such an innocuous post. The fact that you are so driven to do so speaks volumes about where you come from, you fucking social retard. Suck my dick – how’s that for hate?

      • By the way, I corresponded with Kinky by mail for a short period of time in the late 80s, after connecting with him through Paul Krassner (I was a longtime Realist subscriber), and believe me – he’s far more of a Libertarian than you’d probably want to admit. He’s not real fond of narrow-minded assholes like yourself, so he probably wouldn’t make a good traveling companion for ya. I hope to burn one with him one day myself…

    • I beg to differ . I am sure Willie has smoked many a blunt probably Kinky as well.

  13. Evil Twin…

    I hardly expected to have my, I thought, humorous characterization of your carload met with venomous and rather nasty spittle. I probably know Kinky’s politics better than you do, and I know Mr. O’Rourke through mutual friends and through the reading of nearly all his books. To my knowledge, none of your riders is anything like a Nazi. I thought that was so obvious that I could joke about it. Apparently not.

    I don’t wish to suck your dick, but it would do everyone well to remember that this is primarily a humor page. I will remember in the future that you are a little sensitive about your political and social beliefs and refrain from commenting on them.

    I’m sorry that I upset you so.

    jtb

    • Hey, John – I was merely being humorous as well. Couldn’t you tell? Lighten up a little!

      It’s highly doubtful that you know Kinky’s politics better than I do. I’ve probably read everything he’s ever written. I grew up a rabid leftist; only I was actually involved with the stalwarts of Leftist thought/writing on a very real level, instead of being a mere spectator from the sidelines like yourself. I did my homework. Thus, I’m intimately familiar with the way people on the Left think, which makes me an extra specially dangerous Conservative! I love to mention Rush Limbaugh – it brings the kooks out of the woodwork for easy identification!

      Thanks for reminding me that this is a humour page. I missed the post where Jeff announced you as the official WVSR moderator. Cheers!

      • I don’t know if I’m a “kook” or not. I’m not really into politics but I have listened to Rush quite a few times on the radio and had some laughs. Fox news channel has turned my ex-father in law into a conspiracy theorists.

  14. Dorothy and Lori…

    You do me honor by offering to ride across this great land in my rental convertible, even though Lori was careful to suffix her claim with a hahahaha. I hope to have some juice and animal crackers with Lori and her brother when they visit the Evergreen State next summer.

    As for Dorothy, it is well known that you live with a handsome gigolo who enjoys your company. I doubt that he would be wild about your traveling in any type of vehicle with the likes of me. However, should he leave the house for an extended time for a gigolo convention, let me know and I’ll pick you up at eight or a little after. Pack for a week and bring your ID. I don’t wish to suffer under a Mann Act indictment.

    jtb

  15. For pure entertainment I’d have to say Ron White. He could read the phone book and be funny.

    Now if I were riding cross country on a bike? Toby Keith. We’d stop at every back road, shot-and-a-beer, redneck bar we could find and join jam sessions with some of the bands. I think he would be a blast.

  17. It’s nice to be so well known as a Leftist. I’m a former Republican Committeeman and have a letter of thanks framed on my office wall from a former Washington Republican governor on whose campaign I worked. So all your clever woodwork trickery brought out is my sense of humor which, I admit, you didn’t quite get.

    OK, pissing contest called off. I offer a handshake. I also offer you the last word, since I think you should have it.

    best…

    jtb

  18. Um, Chuck. I guess we’re both getting on in years. I have a questionable source who says you’re supposed to call them blunts. Not a euphonious word, that. I believe I’ll stick with joint, or, in the case of a large one, a Bay Area Bomber in honor of Charlie O’Connell, Big Joanie Weston, and the other members of that fine Roller Derby franchise.

    jtb

    • Oh wow! Someone else remembers the Bay Area Bompers. Loved watching the matches on Tacoma’s KCPQ Channel 13 (at the time they had different call letters, I believe).

      …jtb, if you remember Roller Derby, I’ll bet you remember Big Time Wresting and the greatest wrestler in the world, Dutch Savage!

    • again… Why would anyone want to do this?
      I am flabbergasted that this was tried by someone and obviously liked! Unless its one of those ‘bets’ or something that is done for a dare to check your manliness/ crazyness.
      Again….. it sounds horrible, and probably a waste of dope/grass.

    • Way to go W.B. Pass the dutchie ! I thought I was going to have to invite Snoop Dog on here to get people up to speed . I know many people on here don’t partake , but Christ sakes lots of ya have kids , stay informed folks , if you don’t have a clue what a blunt is how will you know that is ice under Juniors bed !

  20. Dick jokes!! We’re supposed to be telling more dick jokes!

    …ah, I got nothin. That is all.

    For now.

  21. Rosario Dawson. Oh yeah.
    Ewan McGregor is from my neck of the woods and is pretty cool. He could come if Rosario was busy.

  24. Hey, know what’s better than a half hearted sarcasm laden apology where you still try to up one another when someone doesn’t get the other’s humor???? NOT SAYING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!

    Here try this = “I apologize. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” and then stop there so we don’t have to “listen” to all “HERE IS MY DICK, LOOK AT ME THRUST IT IN YOUR FACE. IT IS BIGGER THAN YOURS. I WIN” It just harshes the buzz.

    Ugh… I have better stuff to do today. So much for looking for a break from the shit at work.

    I apologize for nothing.

    And the reply feature still sucks.

    dto or tstorm… we need a haiku please.

    .

  25. Two dicks walk into a joke. One dick says…

    “You should be a nice guy and go over there and push in that lady’s stool.”

    Other one says…” That’s not funny…And take off that silly hood…you’re scaring everybody.”

  27. Not a haiku, but it is the final project poem i submitted in an english comp class once.

    I once knew a man, named dancin’ pete
    his dick was so long it hung down to his feet
    looking up with a grin
    and wiping cum from his chin
    he said, boy i love the taste of my meat

    i got a “B” in that class, everyone else got an “A”

  28. there once was a girl called clara tuckit
    a dick she so wanted so she could face fuckit
    with force like a hose
    jizz came out of her nose
    she called it so good it could sell by the bucket

  29. a boy met a girl from way back east
    on his dick he wished her to feast
    when he unzipped his pants
    she gave a lustful glance
    and said, boy don’t you know i’m a priest

  30. One more and I’l move on….

    Overheard at a Sexaholics meeting while on break.The girl was quite serious when she says…

    “I heard they say astrology has a lot to do with why we are the way we are. You think so?”

    He answers…’Yeah , I’ve heard that. They say I was born under Cancer with a penis rising. Ever hear of that?”

  33. If it’s my dick jokes…sorry. I do take request on occasion and maybe I should just stick to the type of tunes I like to play.

    • Then again…sometimes you’re asked to play a tune you really don’t care for…so you make do and try to make something out of a bad melody. Having to improvise three chourses over a latin version of “Muscrat Love” at a Greek wedding is a challange. But you can’t just walk off the bandstand.

      OK…fukit. I’m taking it too personal…It’s a georgus day here in Cincy and the Dreds play at 6.
      I’ll catch up a little later…-d

  34. Manute Bol – We could drive my Sky with the top down and his head would be 3 feet over the windshield!

  36. Chuck & Hot…

    I’m really sorry if I harshed your buzzer. I”ll try not to do that so much. You guys represent civilized discourse on this site, so I must have been uncivil. Again, I apologize for that.

    jtb

  38. I thought the “Suck my dick” was a good substitute for GFY. However it woulda been funnier if Britney said it.

  39. I’m not sure why you’d want someone with whom you’re having a disagreement to suck your dick. Seems like that would be putting oneself in a vulnerable position. However, if that’s what floats his boat… I guess it’s a fairly personal thing at that point.
    I’m not sure there’s a female equivalent to “Suck my dick” (and I know that’s not what you meant, but it got me thinking. Go figure.). Of course, any of the ladies can correct me, since I’m a member of the pre-blunt-as-a-descriptor generation and I can’t even pretend to be current on such things.

  40. On an entirely different note (thankfully?!), clicking on today’s logo at google dot com brings a b’day message that puts things in perspective.

  42. Aaaahhh you had to do it, you had to do it – limericks, poetry as high culture…

    The following five masterpieces came about on a drive up the A1(M) from Cambridge, England to Edinburgh, Scotland, one rainy March day in 2003. I was on a pilgrimage to the Black Sheep Brewery in Masham, Yorkshire, only to find it closed for the season. No tours from grain-fed Yorkshire gals, alas, twas only a quick beer in the neighboring pub and then back on my way. Here goes nothing:

    #1
    A fading old harlot from Masham
    Still lusted for men with great passion
    She’d make quite a din
    When they’d stick it in
    And if large, her face would turn ashen

    #2
    A dashing young racer from Masham
    Had cars, but he always would crash ‘em
    “A blowjob”, he said
    as he pushed down her head
    then he skidded right into a trash can

    #3
    There was a young woman from Masham
    Who was wooed by a handsome but crass man
    With both hands on her bum
    He slipped her his tongue
    Then he whispered “I do love yer ass ma’am!”

    #4
    A dirty old codger from Masham
    With one hand on his balls he did clasp ‘em
    Whilst the other stroked hard
    His shaft greased with lard
    Then he popped off, after a fashion

    #5
    A virtuous woman of Masham
    Held her bowling balls close and with passion
    She’d sit on them and roll
    Instead of to bowl
    And would cry out with joy at orgasm!

    Thank you – I’m here all week…

  43. I’ve written many a limerick, but this is my personal favorite. And I dedicate it to Bickerchick, who I believe works in a face rendering plant and might possibly appreciate it.

    The Fountain of Youth is elusive
    And Beauty, fleeting and exclusive
    But if you have the dough
    And a surgical pro
    Your schnozz can be made less obtrusive.

  44. There once was a girl from Balmoral
    ..did many a thing immoral
    for the price of a dime
    she’d take three at a time
    one aft, one fore and one oral

    I’m not very good with original limericks (no idea where I heard this one)… I did one once here with reporters’ names and it was the lamest waste of bytes I’ve ever seen,

  47. Maybe they choked on ET’s dick?
    That was horrible to listen to, probably even worse to watch.
    Go Reds!

  48. Number 200 as it turns out.

    I think I’ll switch to Bob Dylan for my cross-country rider. I have a great deal to ask him. If somebody is Bob’s cousin or his secret Santa or something and knows way more about The American Troubadour than I possibly could, and wants me to blow them on that account, I’ll take somone else. I don’t shrink from a fight, but I don’t come to this site in search of political or sexual hysteria.

    Hop on in, Bob. We’re heading for another joint.

    jtb

  49. And when I referred to the joint in the last sentence of the last comment, I hope I wasn’t too blunt.

    jtb

  50. “You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden.”

    – – – – Sam Halpern, 10.7.2010