With Which Famous Person Would You Like To Drive Cross-Country?

Earlier in the week I was driving home from work — in the middle of the night — and my phone started going crazy.  Every time I receive a text message, you see, my Droid goes DROOOOID!  And it was doing that over and over again.  WTS?

I picked it up and had a look, while traveling at 85 mph, and it was Metten.  He was cranking off a whole series of text messages, real late at night.  Huh, he must be drunk, I thought.

When I got home I read them, and here’s what they said:

So I’m standing there minding my own business, right?

And this guy walks up to me on my left…

He hands me this thing and says, “Here, I’m supposed to pass you this.”

I take the thing, hold it up and look at it and I’m like, “What the fuck is this?”

And the guy says, “I’m told it’s a dutchie.”

And I go, “What the fuck is a dutchie?”

He says, “I dunno…but I was supposed to pass it to you…”

So now I got this dutchie.  Weird, huh?

Each of those is an individual text message, sent by Metten in the dark of night.  They made me laugh, but I have a feeling my original estimation of his… state, was correct.  What do you think?

And I’m fundamentally opposed to explaining jokes, but some of you younger whippersnappers are probably scratching your heads in confusion.  So, I’ll break my rule, and link to this video of a big hit song from 1982.

I’m fairly certain “dutchie” is slang for “beer nuts.” but I guess I could be wrong.

For a Question of the Day
, I’d like to know which living person you’d most like to share a vehicle with, on a long road trip.  Say, for instance, you’ve accepted a job of carrying contraband Coors beer from Texas to Georgia.  Who would you like to be riding shotgun during the journey?

Please keep in mind that the two of you will be together for many hours.  So it’s important to choose someone who can be tolerated in large doses.  People like Robin Williams might be amusing for the first ten minutes, but after a while most of us would likely want to turn in our seats and kick his ass out the side door, without first tapping the brakes.

Also, you might want to be careful going highbrow with this thing.  Some folks might be tempted to say Stephen Hawking, or someone like that.  And while his conversation would undoubtedly be fascinating, there are other considerations…

For instance, how does he talk?  I’m unfamiliar with the situation.  Is it one of those electric voice box deals?  If so, it’s an instant disqualification.  I hate to be insensitive, but I’ve had experience with those vibrating throat-hole vibration devices, and they frighten me.

There was an old man on my paper route who was very nice and friendly, but when he’d hold that microphone up to his neck and start going off like Frampton Comes Alive, it freaked me out a little.  One time there was a malfunction and the box started feeding-back on him, and I was left shaking in my Pro Keds for the next two hours.  “Do you feel…?”  Holy shit!

No, I’d have to go with someone who has lived through much history, and seen a lot of stuff — preferably about baseball.  Someone like Vin Scully.  Or Sparky Anderson.  Or maybe even Joe Garagiola.  I’m not sure how Sparky and Joe are doing these days, but if they’re coherent, I think they’d be great car mates.

Clive Bull would be a good choice, as well.

If I could choose a dead person, I might go with Jean Shepherd.  But let’s stick with the living for this exercise, if you don’t mind.

And there ya go:  your Question of the Day.  I’m not sure when I’ll update again, but probably Saturday or Sunday.  Maybe Monday.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t.

In any case, I’ll see you whenever it happens.  A few days older, and a little bit dumber.

Have a great day, my friends.

Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin shirts now only $13!

248 Responses to “With Which Famous Person Would You Like To Drive Cross-Country?”

  1. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!!!

    [Reply]

  2. Cheech or Chong. Both…I’d never leave my truck.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    Awesome update Jeff! Exactly what I was thinking dto. Cheech and Chong and Valentin passing the dutchie. Hell yeah! lol

    [Reply]

  3. treeeee

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  4. Either Billy Joel, or the sports columnist Bill Simmons.

    Billy Joel definitely wins if I could get a piano installed into the dashboard of my car. He wouldn’t play all the time, but just every once in a while when a conversation dies down, and we’re left reflecting on life.

    Bill Simmons wins if there’s any chance that the drive will go through Vegas.

    [Reply]

    Not Oprah Reply:

    Why not Richard Simmons?

    [Reply]

  5. Jenna Jameson. I win!

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    Blowjob McHottits.

    [Reply]

    clintcurtis Reply:

    LOL! Great minds think alike. As I was reading the update about 18 hours after you, I was thinking the exact same thing!

    [Reply]

  6. Jeff, you are brilliant. “Do you feel…?” Hilarious!

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Yeah…I laffed out loud at that.

    [Reply]

    Kim Reply:

    Me too! I hate Peter Frampton!

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    Yikes. ! I love Peter Frampton. He’s great in concert.

    [Reply]

  7. Peyton Manning, but he’d have to act exactly the way he does in those commercials. And I imagine we’d be shotgunning beers the whole time, too.

    [Reply]

  8. Jimbo, don’t let Billy Joel take the wheel.

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  9. OJ Simpson. I’d spend the entire time saying, “Come on motherfucker, admit it. You killed them.”

    Or maybe Norah Jones so I could try to cop a feel.

    I don’t know. This is a hard fucking question if you ask me. Too hard.

    [Reply]

  10. “…..those vibrating throat-hole vibration devices”.
    Friend of mine calls them “cancer kazoos”.

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    Son of Sam Reply:

    Thats cold man just cold.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    I know I shouldn’t laugh but shit, that’s funny.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    lmfao!

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  11. Back to the question at hand…. cross country road trip with someone famous….. hmmmm.

    For some reason, Louis C. K. comes to mind. Don’t ask me why.

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  12. Mick Jagger or Keith Richards after decades of admiration.

    A great story teller like Pat Conroy.

    Mark Wahlberg because I think he’d be a riot.

    if still living, hands down, George Carlin/

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  13. Paris Hilton with her dog – and a tape recorder. I’d have to think of a million set-ups – Physics, History, Politics…etc. When It was all over with, I’d set up the best Komedy web site in the universe.

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  14. From Wikipedia: “The dutchie is a Canadian doughnut popularized by the Tim Hortons chain.[1] It is a square, yeast lifted doughnut containing raisins that is coated with a sugary glaze.”

    From UrbanDictionary.com: A joint made from a Dutch Master Cigar (or rolled with the wrapper of a dutchmaster cigar).

    I prefer to think the song refers to the doughnut.

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  15. This is pretty funny. The original guy is trying to get it deleted off youtube.

    Watch it before it’s gone.

    Kendall On Sharecropping Field Trip:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90XLNQXN_74

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  16. Art Bell – Think of the cool stories.
    or
    Sabine Schmitz – She can drive really well and is easy on the eyes.

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  17. JCIII-You are on a roll today.

    I had to google Louis CK because I’m a moron. He is funny as fuck!

    On the other hand, I’m guessing after four or five hours of road head, Jenna would probably get a little annoying, so I’m going to change my answer. In four or five hours.

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  18. P.J. O’Rourke, Frank Kozik, Jim Goad – who aren’t really famous per se, but personalities on the national stage who’d be really fun to talk with for a few road hours.

    As far as “famous,” in the bonafide celebrity sense, I’d say Steve Buscemi, Rush Limbaugh or Penn Gillette.

    My ultimate choice would actually be the actress Balla Eszter, but that wouldn’t really work, because I’m borderline obsessive about her, and I’d be too nervous and distracted to actually drive…

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    Fuck Ruch Limbaugh. He’s nothing but hatred spewing.

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    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    I agree and he has the oxy problem so you better not let him get behind the wheel !

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    Son of Sam Reply:

    Easy there Val it goes both ways (oberman)

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    Valentin Reply:

    I’m not saying he’s the only one. But he was the only one mentioned.

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    retrollama Reply:

    Jim Goad — now there’s a name from my past!

    We were both journalism majors at Temple U, and went through many courses together. He used to regale me with tales about his night job as a taxi driver.

    I was amazed/impressed/surprised whenI found out that he was working on “Answer Me!” since I had lost touch with him over the years.

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    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Retro – Yeah, Jim’s always been one of my favorite writers – he’s got balls of steel when it comes to writing about things that most other writers won’t touch. He now writes regular pieces for Taki’s Magazine (takimag.com) and he’s really at the top of his game – this stuff is the among the best he’s ever written. You ought to check out his newest piece – “Let Them Eat Paint – It’s Time For a Separation of Art and State” where he completely nails it! He’s written 6 or 7 columns for Taki so far, and they’re all brilliant in their simplicity.

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    retrollama Reply:

    will do — thanks for the tip!

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  19. It’d prolly have to be Joe T and Eddy Denver. And as the ridiculousness ensued………………………………………………..

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  20. isaac asimov. oh fuck, it has to be someone alive. ok, can i change my mind? john the basket.

    [Reply]

    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    Hands off Dorothy! JTB is mine!! hehehe jess kiddin

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  21. Allen Woody if he was alive.
    Tal Wilkenfeld would be cool, but might make me crash the car from not watching the road.
    Leland Sklar
    Red Green
    John Cleese in Sir Lancelot character.

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Hands off Tal, she’s mine!

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Is she even old enough to be alone in the car with either of you pervs?

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Never stopped us before.

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    She’s in her twenties.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    I wouldn’t make it out of the parking lot let alone a road trip. I like her.

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Weren’t you the one that said she was a stuck up bitch? Or maybe that was on a forum I belong to. I’m confused.

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Never mind. It was icecycle. I’m sorry.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Chuck..I have heard (read) that but I’d give her two weeks to prove the rumors wrong. Ok…three.

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I’m with ya, brutha.

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    Kevindust Reply:

    Mantra Reminder: I may be too old for her but she’s not too young for me.

    [Reply]

  22. John Waters or Crispin Glover.

    Or maybe even Bill Bryson. He could just read from his books, and that would surely keep me entertained.

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    OHHH! I should have put John Waters on my list as well! I’d like to just spend a week staying at his house going through his book and memorabilia collections, and harass him to the point where he’d finally haul out the 8mm projector and let me watch his old unreleased embryonic classics like “Eat Your Makeup,” and “Hag In A Black Leather Jacket,” or maybe invite Mink Stole, Susan Lowe or Vince Peranio over to tell stories…

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    STLSteve Reply:

    No doubt Mr. Glover could entertain for more than a few hours. Crispin Glover is the man!

    Ted Nugent might be fun, but then again, he might get annoying. That’s what makes this a tough one.

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  23. Chuck in Belpre already picked Art Bell…I think that would be awesome. He’s one of the most open-minded people I’ve ever heard.
    …and Red Green’s also been tagged. He’s a hoot and a half!
    Stephen King could make for an interesting trip, though…

    And, if they were still alive, Johnny Carson or Alfred Hitchcock.

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  24. Somebody gave Metten a square donut with raisons?

    As for road trip companion…and famous… female and willing , but no squeeky/high pitched voices. Maybe try for one of those ‘done it in every state and province except Hawaii’ roadtrips. ;-)

    [Reply]

    CitizenX Reply:

    a dutchie is a marijuana cigarette rolled in cigar paper
    (move along now — nothing to see here)

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    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    LMAO @ marijuana cigarette ! That’s geriatric term for it. Most people under sixty five call it a BLUNT. Pardon me if you were being facetious. Oh and by all means pass the dutchie !!! “Stop bogarting Granny ! ” 10 points if you know what movie that line comes from !

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Joint, doobie, bomber, twister,…damn Citizen X!

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    It’s like we have entered into a fucking time warp here yesterday Jeff with the Been there done that got a tshirt from the early 90s and now the marijuana cigarette ! LOL LOL LOL

    [Reply]

    Ian the Errolite Reply:

    Why oh why would you want to make a joint/ spliff/ doobie with a cigar paper? What a ridiculous idea!
    Ha- Ha!

    [Reply]

    CitizenX Reply:

    I overly dumbed-it-down.
    Guilty as charged

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    Ed Reply:

    They keep coming up with trendy new names for everything. It’s not worth the effort to learn them all. The term “blunt” has been around for so long I’m sure it is considered passe by the those who care about such things.

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    Alex Reply:

    Learn something new everyday. Whoever named the popular square raison donut was thinking about an easy way to make some money from the doobie seeking crowd stepping foot inside Tim Hortons. Those things are so popular here, the donut is what probably pops into 95% of the area populations mind when somebody says ‘I want/need/had/got a dutchie’

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  25. I choose James Earl Jones. I would pack a bunch of books and have him read aloud for the entire ride!

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    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    good choice ! He sounds hot . And he was hot in The Great White Hope. Great flick.

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  26. I’ll sit in the passenger seat while Lindsey Lohan drives.

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    I ‘like’ this. (thumbs up)

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    lol yeah that should be a theme park ride. It could be called the Lindsey Lohan Experience.

    [Reply]

    Garrett - g1g3m Reply:

    She might me a mess, but I’d probably still wreck that chick…. more than once.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    wait a minute I may have stolen that one. didnt somebody mention it in the theme park update???

    [Reply]

  27. Adam or Kari from Mythbusters, Bill Bryson came to mind, but he’s been called out already, Kevin Smith, Michael Palin ( Of Monty Python, Not anywhere near Alaska) Neil Gaiman, Niel Stephenson, Flo the Progressive girl (Hey, I think she’s hot).
    Off the top pf my head, thats all I got, of course once i hit submit, i’ll remember 15 more names…..

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    You’re gonna need a goddamn bus. I have a CDL…call me

    [Reply]

    Garrett - g1g3m Reply:

    Why do they even have Kari and those other 2 idiots on there? They need to:

    1) Bring back Scotty. or
    2) Adam and Jamie ONLY. (maybe the oriental dude, he’s not always annoying)

    Seriously, she’s cute and all, but enough with the constantly barfing upon seeing raw meat. YES, WE GET IT. YOU ARE A VEGETARIAN!

    [Reply]

  28. Jeff Kay, without a doubt. We could eat fast food the whole way & he could entertain me with his colorful ancedotes.
    Unless he started responding to text messages at 85 mph in the dark. Then, I don’t know..

    [Reply]

  29. Oh, I know for sure now. Craig Ferguson from the CBS Late, Late Show.

    Thinking non stop laughs and flat out silliness.

    [Reply]

    retrollama Reply:

    Oh! I want him on my road trip as well.

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  30. Or “anecdotes” even.. .Fuck!! Work interferes with my Surfin’..

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  31. Well of course as some of the guys would want Jenna Jameson as their car mate, I’d have to pick Johnny Depp. No talking is necessary. But lots of nasty nasties that people do in cars will be necessary. Ahhhh, Johnny!

    [Reply]

    Casey J Reply:

    great minds think alike, while reading this post I was giddy with anticipation whilst imagining me and Johnny)in captn Jack garb) enjoy our ROAD trip.

    hehehe.

    [Reply]

    Casey J Reply:

    I was so excited my typing got away with me!! ;)

    [Reply]

  32. That dutchie video should be the Further Evidence for the day.

    For the car ride I would choose Taylor Hayes.

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  33. Well I’ve already done that with my boyfriend and it was hellafun.

    Otherwise, the first person that popped in mind was Daniel Tosh. It seems that he would make a cross country trip more fun.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Daniel Tosh! Great choice! Now that would be an interesting road trip!!

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  34. Neal Stephenson-I would make him read me whatever the fuck 9,000 page manuscript he’s hopefully working on now.

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    cashoe Reply:

    Dammit! I knew I spelled his name wrong….

    [Reply]

  35. I have actually thought about this question of the day before….

    First choice-My wife, since our road trips have always been a blast.

    Second choice- Stephen King! Oh hell yeah! I’ll bet I could get him back to substance abuse again…

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    Sidney Reply:

    And yes, my wife is famous!

    Care to take a guess anyone?

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    Brittney Reply:

    Susan Sarandon.

    [Reply]

    Garrett - g1g3m Reply:

    ….But you’d never make it back????

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    Narf Reply:

    I was just thinking that! I would totally pick my husband.

    If he wasn’t available, then I’d have Patrick Stewart read me Macbeth :D

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    Sidney Reply:

    Patrick Stewart AGAIN! Damn honey, I would read you Macbeth but you always want me to drive.

    Guess what? You get to drive next trip! LOL

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  36. i choose Jeffrey S. Kay

    i can hear you breathing…right now

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  37. I was just wondering, “Why a picture of Tom Posten for this update?” but now I get it. Tom Posten wouldn’t be a bad traveling companion though.

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    CADude Reply:

    That’s Vin Scully, not Tom Posten.

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    Ed Reply:

    Yeah, when I hovered the cursor over the picture I saw that. I’m not into sports.

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    Not Oprah Reply:

    I thought Ted Koppel, I guess theyall kinda of all look the same.

    [Reply]

  38. Any senator or represntative or president who hs ever voted on or signed a bill longer than 100 pages. I would have them read and explain everyline on everypage of every such bill they had anything to do with.

    [Reply]

  39. Sam Elliott

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    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    ME TOO ME TOO , he is so hott ,,,,though I can’t figure out why you want to go with him . LOL

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    He just wants to hear Sam say “banquet beer” over and over again.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    What kind of man wouldn’t want to hang out with a mans man like Sam Elliot?

    “I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead”-Wade Garret

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Isn’t he the “beef, it’s what’s for dinner” dude too?

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    I never realized that! Just checked wikipedia (for what it’s worth) and he replaced Robert Mitchum after his death.

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Yeh that’s him. Face looks like a catchers mitt but the chicks love him.

    [Reply]

  40. Stephen King, Rick Bragg, or Eddie Izzard. Or all three. Add Alison Krauss for music, and it would be a perfect trip.

    [Reply]

    Not Oprah Reply:

    Eddie Izzard was one of my picks too. Mike Meyers comes to mind too.

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    Eddie is the shit! But I only want to ride with Mike if he is in Austin Powers character the whole time , that would be cool !

    [Reply]

    TxnCarrie Reply:

    Allison Krauss makes me want to stick an icepick in my ears.

    [Reply]

  41. Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Usher, Taye Diggs, Sam Worthington, and they would drive. So I could just sit and LOOK at them. Maybe touch…just a little touch!!

    hahahaha

    pervy right??

    [Reply]

    Casey J Reply:

    Sam could talk to me, since his voice just melts me away. I am lonely, can you tell????

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    im an asshole. sounds like a gangbang bus. sorry……..

    [Reply]

    Casey J Reply:

    and????

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    lol

    [Reply]

  42. Danika Patrick. I’d let her take over and handle everything. Although I get the feeling I’d arrive at my destination a lot quicker than I’d like. I like to stop along the way now and then to enjoy the scenery. A nice leisurely drive but with a destination in mind, to me, is a lot more fun.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Ok…here’s what…That was supposed to be funny and laced with sexual undertones, not the sappy crap it sounds like. I guess I missed. Now I need a goddamn delete button! And when the hell does Bourbon season start or did I miss the memo on that?

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    All Hallows Eve if my memory serves me. Don’t tell but I bought a bottle of Knob Creek last week, never really made much sense to limit my bourbon intake to 2 months out of the year. Think of all the jobs that would be lost in KY if everyone followed these stringent standards.

    [Reply]

    Not Oprah Reply:

    Don’t worry, I’m sure that those o us that are familiar with you got it on the first read.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Reds played so especially well last night I am now out of Knob Creek bourbon, that shit is 90 proof and my head is feeling it!

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    WB in OH…Yep…The wheels started coming off in the 6th and they needed tow trucks by the end of the 7th. Hey…Vernors and Bourbon is pretty good. Real good. (Vodka too…hell…anything I guess) Jim Beam for me…Knob is a bit…’heady’.

    [Reply]

  43. I know you said famous, but I can’t think of anyone. I’d travel with my friend Cupcake (don’t ask how he got his nickname) anytime. We think a lot alike, plus he’s a blast to hang out with and can have serious talks too.

    [Reply]

  44. Bill Shatner – I’d imitate him all the way
    The Shaq – he’s be fun, but we’d drive it in a Smart Car
    Angelina Jolie – she’d have to sleep sometime – I’d call ahead and rent all the rooms at the only hotel in town except for the one room left that we’d have to share
    Gloria Stewart – The present day version of Rose from the Titanic… I’d prop up her recently expired body and do a whole weekend at Bernie’s thing. Might want to wait for winter though…let me rethink that one
    Christopher Walken – he’d have to do the ordering when ever we went through a drive through

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    …..need more COWBELL!

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    ……I GOT A FEVAH !!!

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  45. I’d ride with a female mannequin. Whenever another driver got close I’d start backhanding the shit out of her and screaming profanity.

    If I couldn’t find a female mannequin I think I’d pick Pat Sajak. And whenever another driver got close I’d start backhanding the shit out of him and screaming profanity.

    Either way I’d get to use the HOV lane.

    [Reply]

    Casey J Reply:

    well this is my fav

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    MIne too. Good stuff. Farty never fails.

    [Reply]

  46. My brother.. we havent spent alot of time together and he does a spot on dana carvey doing president bush… we are planning a big trip to Washington state (the old stomping grounds) for next July so I will get my road trip

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    An imperssion of a guy dioing an impression. That’s like a paint by numbers Monet.

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    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    Well, I know that.. I did wonder if it would rip the time space continuum hahaha

    [Reply]

  47. Can we hold the political bullshit down? I’m trying to get a laugh or two here.

    At this time.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    This is like my tenth time through this update (because of the stupid reply button I’m fond of) and I yet to see why you called foul on polotics Chuck? Lori’s brother imitating Dana C imitating G. Bush?

    I know it gets ugly later but up until this point I thought it was pretty neutral, just wondering what I missed?

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    “polotics” it’s like politics only it’s done from horseback.

    [Reply]

  48. Yeah I vote for no politics!
    Resume dick jokes……now!

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    I agree.

    [Reply]

    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    I’m all for dick.. at this time.. Ok, fuck, anytime..

    [Reply]

  49. I choose Larry the Cable Guy or Don Rickles, or both if possible. Imagine the conversation between the two of them.

    If I can choose an alternate dead guy, substitute Buddy Hackett for Rickles.

    [Reply]

  50. Living, it would have to be Richard Branson – he’s been around a bit, so he might have something interesting to say. Besides, instead of driving the beer across state lines, we could use a nice, comfy private plane = no peeing in the bushes in the middle of nowhere. I’m a chick, so…you know…it matters.

    Dead, I’d say Ben Franklin. I dig the eclectic sorts.

    [Reply]

  51. Maybe Groucho?

    Say the secret woid and win a duck.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Vi a duck?

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Vi not a chicken?

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    Yeah I think I’d rather have Groucho then Harpo…trying to have multiple conversations with someone who responds through horns would probably get old after 10 minutes.

    [Reply]

  52. I’d choose Harry Dean Stanton or Wilem Dafoe, two of my favorite actors. Dead …Dennis Hopper for sure !

    [Reply]

  53. This one was difficult. Everyone I thought of was dead. George Burns, George Carlin, Paul Newman, Mitch Hedberg, John Lennon, Steve Irwin, etc. and so on. So I thought and thought, and the best I could come up with was Jim Bruer.

    [Reply]

  54. Jeff–
    Congrats on the new intro for EVERY THURSDAY A THEME!
    I know you were never happy with it.
    You totally nailed it.
    Thanks for mailing it out

    I thought about it and I think I would choose
    either Adam Curry or Robert Downey Jr
    just for the stories for the long trip.

    [Reply]

  55. I would like to drive for a long time with David Mamet – we would write screenplays together for awesome actors. He would type while I drove and spouted cinematic wisdom.

    [Reply]

  56. Ok…I’m thinking this big ass motorhome. A bus sized fucker getting 5 gallons to the mile kinda road slug…Sucking down gas and stinking up the air. Fully stocked frig and bar, A sound system where the dials go to 11. A BAT and a satellite system that is supported 24/7 by NASA’s help line. And you know who’s riding along with me? Two words…Dennis Fucking Leary…OK! Yeah, Me and Dennis. Flippin’ off cows and mooning church buses. OK?! Fuck off…we’re coming through.

    [Reply]

  57. I saw an entertaining interview of Jared Allen the other day on Pardon the Interruption. He was rattling off critter recipes like he was Bubba Shrimp. I think I’ll take him along for his mean elk stew.

    When I’m tired of wrassling wildlife and picking mullet hairs off the dash (he’s growing it back!), I’ll drop him off and pick up Chad Ochocinco for his amusing banter, but also because I occasionally fantasize about bouncing quarters off his tight ass. This despite being a Steelers fan. Secret shame!

    And after one two many quarters ricochet and hit me in the eye, I’ll kick him to the curb and go grab Camille Paglia for some highbrow dissection of modern society.

    Then when the butchiness is so high that the car is turning plaid, I’ll boot her out and get Tim Gunn and he can show my tomboy ass how to dress right once and for all.

    And that’s about all the gas I can probably afford for one loopy road trip. Though I should add that if I could truck around with dead folk, I’d select either Ben Franklin or Jane Austen, although Janey would be less inclined to honk my boob at every intersection, so she’s probably got an edge.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Now I know why they call ‘em “honkers”. I’m here to learn.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    Gretchen: CHAD OCHOCINCO?!?!? Really? REALLY? I bow my head in shame. But we can still be friends….LMAO!

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    I KNOW! It’s terrible! Hence my secret shame.

    [Reply]

    Dave's not here, man Reply:

    Hmmm, never really pictured Ben Franklin as a boob honker, but I’ll take your word on that!

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Depending on the sources one reads, Franklin was either a huge flirt or a full-on sexual libertine. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between.

    http://www.time.com/time/2003/franklin/bfwomen.html

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    During player introductions when the players say their name and the school they went to before turning pro, Jared Allen says, “Jared Allen, Culinary institute.”

    I love that shit.

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Heh heh, yeah, he’s pretty damn funny.

    [Reply]

  58. I have to split the question into girls or guys because it is a completely different question depending on the sex of my road trip partner.

    Estella Warren: in addition to being a 3 time national champion swimmer, actress and a Victoria Secret model she is Canadian born and raised a few hours away from my hometown. Yet not so famous as to be pretentious…we can talk hockey, beer, and the Tragically Hip while we fall in love.

    Dimebag Darrell (Dead): anyone who’s seen the Pantera home videos knows that a cross country tour with Dime would be…undescribably entertaining.

    [Reply]

  59. Damn kevin. I heard the cross Canadian ragweed song dimebag and looked him up. I knew the story and loved pantera but damn.

    [Reply]

  60. Two days in a row. Sorry, Jenny. I’m well under 65, and I’ve rolled and smoked many, many marijuana cigarettes. I’ve called them joints mostly, Bay Area Bombers occasionally, and roaches when they get small and one has to employ a jefferson airplane or a clip, but I’ve NEVER called a marijuana cigarette a blunt. I know there are generational names for things, but try not to confust style with fashion. Thanks…

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    Not sure where you are from but here , only a person who has never or would never smoke a “marijuana cigarette” would ever refer to it as a “marijuana cigarette” such as an OLD person .
    I suspect the reason you have NEVER called a “marijuana cigarette” a blunt is because they are NOT actually the same thing. A “marijuana cigarette” , joint , doobie etc etc etc . is marijuana rolled in cigarette paper such as TOPS.
    A blunt is marijuana rolled in a cigar . Often done so one can smoke in public.
    A dutchie is a blunt rolled in a Dutch Masters cigar.
    Most people that smoke blunts have a preference as to what brand of cigar or flavor . Chocolate is nice.

    [Reply]

  61. While I actually like a couple of The Evil Twin’s Nazi carfull, and would be tempted by P.J. O’Rourke as a travel companion (I think P.J. still smokes), I would probably have to go with Kinky Friedman. A musician, author, politician, and Cuban cigar smoker, he’d keep the car rockin’ all the way to the destination which, I assure you, wouldn’t be Georgia.

    We might travel via Texas though, because Kinky has carte blanche at Willie Nelson’s ranch. Willie doesn’t call them blunts either.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Nazi carful? Fuck you. Twice. How ironic that the very same people who would characterize my choices as “hateful” feel compelled to post actual hateful responses to such an innocuous post. The fact that you are so driven to do so speaks volumes about where you come from, you fucking social retard. Suck my dick – how’s that for hate?

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    By the way, I corresponded with Kinky by mail for a short period of time in the late 80s, after connecting with him through Paul Krassner (I was a longtime Realist subscriber), and believe me – he’s far more of a Libertarian than you’d probably want to admit. He’s not real fond of narrow-minded assholes like yourself, so he probably wouldn’t make a good traveling companion for ya. I hope to burn one with him one day myself…

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    are you talking to me? are you talking to me? calm down man.

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    I beg to differ . I am sure Willie has smoked many a blunt probably Kinky as well.

    [Reply]

  62. And Jeff, Vin Scully is an inspired choice. Oh, man, the stories…

    jtb

    [Reply]

  63. Evil Twin…

    I hardly expected to have my, I thought, humorous characterization of your carload met with venomous and rather nasty spittle. I probably know Kinky’s politics better than you do, and I know Mr. O’Rourke through mutual friends and through the reading of nearly all his books. To my knowledge, none of your riders is anything like a Nazi. I thought that was so obvious that I could joke about it. Apparently not.

    I don’t wish to suck your dick, but it would do everyone well to remember that this is primarily a humor page. I will remember in the future that you are a little sensitive about your political and social beliefs and refrain from commenting on them.

    I’m sorry that I upset you so.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Hey, John – I was merely being humorous as well. Couldn’t you tell? Lighten up a little!

    It’s highly doubtful that you know Kinky’s politics better than I do. I’ve probably read everything he’s ever written. I grew up a rabid leftist; only I was actually involved with the stalwarts of Leftist thought/writing on a very real level, instead of being a mere spectator from the sidelines like yourself. I did my homework. Thus, I’m intimately familiar with the way people on the Left think, which makes me an extra specially dangerous Conservative! I love to mention Rush Limbaugh – it brings the kooks out of the woodwork for easy identification!

    Thanks for reminding me that this is a humour page. I missed the post where Jeff announced you as the official WVSR moderator. Cheers!

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    I don’t know if I’m a “kook” or not. I’m not really into politics but I have listened to Rush quite a few times on the radio and had some laughs. Fox news channel has turned my ex-father in law into a conspiracy theorists.

    [Reply]

  64. Dorothy and Lori…

    You do me honor by offering to ride across this great land in my rental convertible, even though Lori was careful to suffix her claim with a hahahaha. I hope to have some juice and animal crackers with Lori and her brother when they visit the Evergreen State next summer.

    As for Dorothy, it is well known that you live with a handsome gigolo who enjoys your company. I doubt that he would be wild about your traveling in any type of vehicle with the likes of me. However, should he leave the house for an extended time for a gigolo convention, let me know and I’ll pick you up at eight or a little after. Pack for a week and bring your ID. I don’t wish to suffer under a Mann Act indictment.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    I didn’t want dorothy to beat my virtual ass.. hehe

    I’ll bring the juice!!!

    [Reply]

  65. For pure entertainment I’d have to say Ron White. He could read the phone book and be funny.

    Now if I were riding cross country on a bike? Toby Keith. We’d stop at every back road, shot-and-a-beer, redneck bar we could find and join jam sessions with some of the bands. I think he would be a blast.

    [Reply]

  66. Can’t we all twist up a fattie and get along?

    [Reply]

  67. It’s nice to be so well known as a Leftist. I’m a former Republican Committeeman and have a letter of thanks framed on my office wall from a former Washington Republican governor on whose campaign I worked. So all your clever woodwork trickery brought out is my sense of humor which, I admit, you didn’t quite get.

    OK, pissing contest called off. I offer a handshake. I also offer you the last word, since I think you should have it.

    best…

    jtb

    [Reply]

  68. Um, Chuck. I guess we’re both getting on in years. I have a questionable source who says you’re supposed to call them blunts. Not a euphonious word, that. I believe I’ll stick with joint, or, in the case of a large one, a Bay Area Bomber in honor of Charlie O’Connell, Big Joanie Weston, and the other members of that fine Roller Derby franchise.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    clintcurtis Reply:

    Oh wow! Someone else remembers the Bay Area Bompers. Loved watching the matches on Tacoma’s KCPQ Channel 13 (at the time they had different call letters, I believe).

    …jtb, if you remember Roller Derby, I’ll bet you remember Big Time Wresting and the greatest wrestler in the world, Dutch Savage!

    [Reply]

  69. I thought a blunt was a hollowed out cigar, refilled with “mary jane”.

    [Reply]

    Ian the Errolite Reply:

    again… Why would anyone want to do this?
    I am flabbergasted that this was tried by someone and obviously liked! Unless its one of those ‘bets’ or something that is done for a dare to check your manliness/ crazyness.
    Again….. it sounds horrible, and probably a waste of dope/grass.

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    Way to go W.B. Pass the dutchie ! I thought I was going to have to invite Snoop Dog on here to get people up to speed . I know many people on here don’t partake , but Christ sakes lots of ya have kids , stay informed folks , if you don’t have a clue what a blunt is how will you know that is ice under Juniors bed !

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Random drug tests put an end to “smoking” back in the early 90′s.

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    God I know makes me want to put a parka on and drive north!

    [Reply]

  70. Dick jokes!! We’re supposed to be telling more dick jokes!

    …ah, I got nothin. That is all.

    For now.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    Your dick is huge.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    My dick is tiny.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    Dick jokes are easy.

    [Reply]

  71. Rosario Dawson. Oh yeah.
    Ewan McGregor is from my neck of the woods and is pretty cool. He could come if Rosario was busy.

    [Reply]

  72. The drummer from Def Leppard, but goddamnit, I’m driving.

    [Reply]

    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    LMFAO ! That’s the best !

    [Reply]

  73. I’m thinking Buck. Just riding around beating the fuck out of assholes that need it and shooting things.
    If not then Pee Wee Herman.

    [Reply]

  74. Hey, know what’s better than a half hearted sarcasm laden apology where you still try to up one another when someone doesn’t get the other’s humor???? NOT SAYING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!

    Here try this = “I apologize. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” and then stop there so we don’t have to “listen” to all “HERE IS MY DICK, LOOK AT ME THRUST IT IN YOUR FACE. IT IS BIGGER THAN YOURS. I WIN” It just harshes the buzz.

    Ugh… I have better stuff to do today. So much for looking for a break from the shit at work.

    I apologize for nothing.

    And the reply feature still sucks.

    dto or tstorm… we need a haiku please.

    .

    [Reply]

  75. Two dicks walk into a joke. One dick says…

    “You should be a nice guy and go over there and push in that lady’s stool.”

    Other one says…” That’s not funny…And take off that silly hood…you’re scaring everybody.”

    [Reply]

  76. yeah what’s with the turtleneck?

    thanks dto.

    I hate it when mom and dad fight.

    [Reply]

  77. Not a haiku, but it is the final project poem i submitted in an english comp class once.

    I once knew a man, named dancin’ pete
    his dick was so long it hung down to his feet
    looking up with a grin
    and wiping cum from his chin
    he said, boy i love the taste of my meat

    i got a “B” in that class, everyone else got an “A”

    [Reply]

  78. there once was a girl called clara tuckit
    a dick she so wanted so she could face fuckit
    with force like a hose
    jizz came out of her nose
    she called it so good it could sell by the bucket

    [Reply]

  79. a boy met a girl from way back east
    on his dick he wished her to feast
    when he unzipped his pants
    she gave a lustful glance
    and said, boy don’t you know i’m a priest

    [Reply]

  80. One more and I’l move on….

    Overheard at a Sexaholics meeting while on break.The girl was quite serious when she says…

    “I heard they say astrology has a lot to do with why we are the way we are. You think so?”

    He answers…’Yeah , I’ve heard that. They say I was born under Cancer with a penis rising. Ever hear of that?”

    [Reply]

  81. Walk around with Pringles shards stuck to your face and neck.

    [Reply]

  82. We have officially sunk to new levels…

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Yep.

    [Reply]

  83. If it’s my dick jokes…sorry. I do take request on occasion and maybe I should just stick to the type of tunes I like to play.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Then again…sometimes you’re asked to play a tune you really don’t care for…so you make do and try to make something out of a bad melody. Having to improvise three chourses over a latin version of “Muscrat Love” at a Greek wedding is a challange. But you can’t just walk off the bandstand.

    OK…fukit. I’m taking it too personal…It’s a georgus day here in Cincy and the Dreds play at 6.
    I’ll catch up a little later…-d

    [Reply]

  84. Manute Bol – We could drive my Sky with the top down and his head would be 3 feet over the windshield!

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Is this a Weekend at Bernie’s situation? Because Manute’s dead too.

    [Reply]

  85. I think I am done here for a while. I think the world of you all. See ya.

    Chuck

    [Reply]

  86. Chuck & Hot…

    I’m really sorry if I harshed your buzzer. I”ll try not to do that so much. You guys represent civilized discourse on this site, so I must have been uncivil. Again, I apologize for that.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  87. A disagreement and not one “Go fuck yourself!” ??
    WTF?

    [Reply]

  88. I thought the “Suck my dick” was a good substitute for GFY. However it woulda been funnier if Britney said it.

    [Reply]

  89. I’m not sure why you’d want someone with whom you’re having a disagreement to suck your dick. Seems like that would be putting oneself in a vulnerable position. However, if that’s what floats his boat… I guess it’s a fairly personal thing at that point.
    I’m not sure there’s a female equivalent to “Suck my dick” (and I know that’s not what you meant, but it got me thinking. Go figure.). Of course, any of the ladies can correct me, since I’m a member of the pre-blunt-as-a-descriptor generation and I can’t even pretend to be current on such things.

    [Reply]

    WVKay Reply:

    We just say, “You sperm spitting gutter slut!” and move on.

    [Reply]

  90. On an entirely different note (thankfully?!), clicking on today’s logo at google dot com brings a b’day message that puts things in perspective.

    [Reply]

  91. Bill Murray. Don’t drive angry….

    [Reply]

  92. Aaaahhh you had to do it, you had to do it – limericks, poetry as high culture…

    The following five masterpieces came about on a drive up the A1(M) from Cambridge, England to Edinburgh, Scotland, one rainy March day in 2003. I was on a pilgrimage to the Black Sheep Brewery in Masham, Yorkshire, only to find it closed for the season. No tours from grain-fed Yorkshire gals, alas, twas only a quick beer in the neighboring pub and then back on my way. Here goes nothing:

    #1
    A fading old harlot from Masham
    Still lusted for men with great passion
    She’d make quite a din
    When they’d stick it in
    And if large, her face would turn ashen

    #2
    A dashing young racer from Masham
    Had cars, but he always would crash ‘em
    “A blowjob”, he said
    as he pushed down her head
    then he skidded right into a trash can

    #3
    There was a young woman from Masham
    Who was wooed by a handsome but crass man
    With both hands on her bum
    He slipped her his tongue
    Then he whispered “I do love yer ass ma’am!”

    #4
    A dirty old codger from Masham
    With one hand on his balls he did clasp ‘em
    Whilst the other stroked hard
    His shaft greased with lard
    Then he popped off, after a fashion

    #5
    A virtuous woman of Masham
    Held her bowling balls close and with passion
    She’d sit on them and roll
    Instead of to bowl
    And would cry out with joy at orgasm!

    Thank you – I’m here all week…

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    There was a young woman from Masham
    With tits so grand she would flash ‘em
    At quarter to three
    Just before tea
    And invite all the lads to mash ‘em.

    [Reply]

    Malcolm Reply:

    Gretchen, I am humbled – none of mine had tats in them, and its my favorite body part on a female…

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    You can always write another!

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    the people from masham must be really horny…

    [Reply]

  93. I’ve written many a limerick, but this is my personal favorite. And I dedicate it to Bickerchick, who I believe works in a face rendering plant and might possibly appreciate it.

    The Fountain of Youth is elusive
    And Beauty, fleeting and exclusive
    But if you have the dough
    And a surgical pro
    Your schnozz can be made less obtrusive.

    [Reply]

  94. There once was a girl from Balmoral
    ..did many a thing immoral
    for the price of a dime
    she’d take three at a time
    one aft, one fore and one oral

    I’m not very good with original limericks (no idea where I heard this one)… I did one once here with reporters’ names and it was the lamest waste of bytes I’ve ever seen,

    [Reply]

  95. jeff here’s an interview with mark everitt on BBC Radio 6 (which is a shit hot station BTW)
    You must be able to get round our stupid Brittish Victorian ways and actually hear this stuff from overseas.

    here you go anyway, its a good interview.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00v3mf9/The_First_Time_With…_Mark_Everett_(E_from_Eels)/

    [Reply]

  96. ALL RIGHT PHILS!!! Thanks for choking like dogs in the 6th and 7th innings, Reds. :D

    [Reply]

  97. Maybe they choked on ET’s dick?
    That was horrible to listen to, probably even worse to watch.
    Go Reds!

    [Reply]

  98. Number 200 as it turns out.

    I think I’ll switch to Bob Dylan for my cross-country rider. I have a great deal to ask him. If somebody is Bob’s cousin or his secret Santa or something and knows way more about The American Troubadour than I possibly could, and wants me to blow them on that account, I’ll take somone else. I don’t shrink from a fight, but I don’t come to this site in search of political or sexual hysteria.

    Hop on in, Bob. We’re heading for another joint.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  99. And when I referred to the joint in the last sentence of the last comment, I hope I wasn’t too blunt.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  100. “You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden.”

    - – - – Sam Halpern, 10.7.2010

    [Reply]

  101. Clint…

    Northwest Championship Wrestling. Ron Forsell was one of the announcers. This was on KIRO about 1958-1966. My favorite wrassler was Billy White Wolf, allegedly a Native American. He was a good guy, and when he really got torked off, he did a war dance and administered first, a single tomahawk chop, then the dreaded double tomahawk chop.

    Tough Tony Borne was one of the bad guys, I think. The Outlaw was a masked bad guy. The midgets wrestled every couple of months, both men and women. I remember Sky Low Low, also an Indian.

    I haven’t thought of this stuff for nearly 50 years. My dad and I watched every week. I’ll think of more wrasslers later.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    clintcurtis Reply:

    Ooh, ooh, oooh! Tough Tony’s son, Matt Borne was actually dating Tonya Harding at one time.

    Do you remember Stan Stasiak…the guy with the “patented” Heart Punch? Did the big windup while his opponent stood still, then Stan punched him in the heart, which would stop the guy’s heart…just long enough to be pinned?

    Anyway, Stan died of a heart attack several years ago. After his retirement from wresting, he worked as a security guard at Eaton’s department store in Toronto. Definitely NOT a store I’d want to get caught shoplifting at, lol!

    Here’s a cool website: dutchsavage.com

    [Reply]

  102. Seriousy, for a road trip, I would go with C.C. Deville of Poison. He seems like a cool guy, and I’ll bet he has a zillion great stories.

    My last road trip across the country was with a guy I’ve know since kindergarten. Drove my wife’s Toyota from Buffalo to Seattle. Took us 5 days, and we chilled out and visited a bunch of incredible tourist traps.

    Best part was going through Butte, Montana on a Sunday, just after “Evel Knevel Days” had ended. We stopped for gas, and the gas station clerk regaled us with stories of Spanky Spangler’s ramp to ramp jump in an old Monte Carlo the night before, which put him in the hospital.

    Heading out of town, I let my friend drive while I took a nap. He’s a near chain smoker, and at the next rest area he pulled in for a smoke. He started smacking my arm, and yelled, “Hey! Check it out!” And there on a trailer behind a motorhome was Spanky Spangler’s wiped out Monte Carlo. We got out and posed for some pictures beside it.

    [Reply]

  103. Clint…ad wrestling, Dad

    Northwest Championship Wrestling was on KIRO every Saturday from 6:30 until 7:30. My Dad and I would watch it together, then he and Mom would go square dancing for the evening. It was great father/son time. When I think of all the hours Dad allocated each week to spend time with my sister and me (he had one of those 11-hour a day jobs) I miss him all the more.

    He had a 1950 Harley-74ci, a big bike, and after his 11 hour shift (if it wasn’t raining hard) he’d plop my sister on the gas tank and me on the back of the seat, and we’d ride all over the north end of Tacoma, including some trails in the area around the Channel 13 broadcast tower. We were the envy of the neighborhood kids.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  104. Clint…

    That’s one wild Dutch Savage site with those videos. I have no recollection of those….jtb

    [Reply]

  105. Clint…

    Tough Tony Borne’s son and Tonya Harding somehow just seem the perfect couple. If the house is leaking in a rain storm, Matt could just lift it by the hitch and empty it. That match has many positives, including that it would make Dr. Phil shit blood.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  106. Speaking of wrestling – is anybody on this board into (and I mean hardcore into) extreme, bloody wrestling stuff like SWA/IWA EastCoast Hardcore Wrestling? I’ve got a bunch of stuff that needs a good home, DVDs, ticket stubs and the like, including a large piece of tabletop autographed by Abdullah The Butcher after he smashed The Necrobutcher through it! If interested, contact me at tinlitho@gmail.net. It’s a box full of stuff and I’ll ship it for free – I just want it all to go to a good home (no assholes, please – you know who you are).

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    Hawk your Nazi bullshit someplace else.

    :)

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Not “hawking.” It’s free!

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    I knew that was coming but it helped the joke I thought. This is a tough fucking room I tell ya!

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Badum-bum! (rimshot)

    [Reply]

    The Evil Twin Reply:

    Sorry, that email is tinlitho@gmail.com. Not .net!

    [Reply]

  107. Oh…and by the way…I’ve got enough broken tables with blood on ‘em around here to last me a while. Thanks anayway man.

    [Reply]

  108. This has been an interesting set of comments. The new reply feature is adding a new dimension to the procedings; I like it.

    I would like to go on a cross country trip with the sweet, sainted Bonnie Franklin. I would also ask Mackenzie Phillips and Valerie Bertinelli to come along as well.

    [Reply]

  109. Juliette Lewis would be great. Bridget Fonda, Jeniffer Jason Leigh…ok…wait…I realize I’m thinking about something else here.

    [Reply]

  110. I would want Gordon Ramsey. Can you imagine that man if you got stuck in traffic? He would probably get out of the vehicle and start kicking ass all the while screaming “Move your fucking car, you donkey!!” Classic.

    [Reply]

    WVKay Reply:

    That would be excellent. Gordon Ramsey. I forgot about him.

    [Reply]

    Ian the Errolite Reply:

    ‘fuck me, call yourself a driver? you’re a fucking disgrace!’
    I don’t know if I could handle that for long!

    [Reply]

  111. Go Cocks!

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    YAY YANKMEES

    [Reply]

  112. MOUNTAINEERS!!! Somebody here has to give a shit.

    [Reply]

  113. [Editor's note: This story has a politician in it, but is not political. Sexist? Quite possibly. But not political.]

    3 AM. I’m fast asleep, dreaming I’m in a lakeside restaurant in the Finger Lake region of New York. The waitress has just delivered a big steaming plate of artery-clogging fried haddock and french fries and is setting down a glass of Sam Adams. Just as my hands wrap around the frosty mug, an obscene caterwauling starts up. I look up at my waitress and to my horror she is no longer a reasonable facsimile of a St. Paulie Girl. No, now she’s sporting the head of Pennsylvania state Senator Jan Orie and from the senator’s gaping mouth the agonizing screeching is emitting.

    Naturally I spazzed, spilled the beer (horrors!), and fell back from the table in terror. And immediately I found myself sitting up in bed in a cold sweat. But the sound was still there. Turns out there were two stray cats having at it on my back porch. UGH! So I shooed them away and tried to go back to bed, but sleep was elusive.

    There are two morals to this story. One, get your pets spayed or neutered. Two, if you’re running for election and you choose to daily inundate your constituents with 8.5×11 three-ply full color flyers touting your various accomplishments, you ought to try not looking like an extra from “Battleship Earth” on them. Just sayin’.

    That is all.

    [Reply]

  114. What’s that? Please return to dick jokes and dirty limericks? Well okay then. Twist my arm.

    There was a young gal from Hai Long
    Went searching for cock wide and long
    She mounted a whale
    Twas a horrible tale
    Her tombstone reads: “Death by schlong.”

    [Reply]

  115. I’m glad the new update is here. I had a dick limerick ready but knew that it would be stuck here at the en which is…pathetic.

    Somebody go be first!

    [Reply]

  116. Since Jeff has the picture of Vin Scully there, it got me to thinking about which storied baseball broadcasters to ride with and the great stories they’d tell. I don’t want to take them, though.
    Instead, I choose Tim McCarver, Bob Costas, Joe Morgan and John Miller. All sedated and with their mouths duct taped shut and bound so they can’t escape. They’d be riding in the trunk.
    I’d also have a .45, fully loaded with a couple of extra magazines (godda make sure I get the job done) and a shovel.
    On second though, fuck the shovel. I’d just dump ‘em out in a ditch or something.

    [Reply]

  117. You still got it Jeff… the first post ive read in months and I’m laughing so hard i’m crying over here with that frampton line.

    got a new j-o-b and moved to the cesspool some people call New York(would hate to see York)? few months back and just havent had free time.

    Great stuff as usual! Cheers Surfers

    [Reply]

  118. Chris Rock of course

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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