Who Else Wants to Confess Their Phobias?
This might come as a shock to some of you, but I have more than my fair share of phobias. Oh, I’m not a complete basket case like Nostrildamus; I’ve never called Toney during a rainstorm and asked her to bring clean underwear and ointment to an interstate underpass, where I’ll be curled up in a ball, smeared in feces, and repeatedly muttering dialog from Pirates of the Caribbean.
But there are plenty of things that give me the heebie-jeebies. Plenty of them. And today I’ll tell you about the main ones, and turn it over to you guys. How’s that sound? Let’s get started, shall we?
Doctors/Dentists When I was a kid and young teenager, I’d practically hyperventilate on “dentist day.”
We went to an old man named Dr. Jarrett in Charleston, and his office was located inside an ancient building with a ridiculous Laurel and Hardy-era elevator. It didn’t really have a door, just a screeching, retractable cage-wall that kept passengers from falling out.
And mister, there was nothing more terrifying than going up in that rickety box, seeing the bricks go past, and knowing I’d be in The Chair within minutes. Beads of sweat would be cascading down the middle of my back.
When I was finally inside the sanctum, I’d throw a death-grip on the armrests and try to think about baseball cards. Then Dr. Jarrett would get that drill fired-up, there would be smoke(!?), and I’d maintain a full-body flex until he finally whipped-away the drool bib.
Doctors are only slightly less frightening, although I don’t like them, either. I’m always convinced they’ll find something horrible, like a tumor the size of a fourth grader, and I’ll be plunged into a world of invasive tests and mysterious procedures. Each, of course, culminating with a full-sized Coleman camping lantern being twisted into my unforgiving “cavity.”
Eye doctors don’t freak me out as much, but I’m still a little on-edge when I visit one. They can see things in your eyes, you know. Hidden illnesses, voodoo curses, and bad stuff you don’t wanna know about…
Generally speaking: not a fan of the medical.
Heights I remember being at a so-called natural bridge somewhere in Kentucky, when I was a kid. I know there’s a popular natural bridge in Virginia, but this one was in Kentucky. And it scared the au jus out of me.
It seemed to be way up in the air, possibly touching the bottom of the clouds, and they allowed people to walk across it – with no handrails or anything to stop you from hurtling over the edge. Here it is. I got out into the middle of that thing, and nearly had a panic attack.
These are strangers standing near the edge, and just looking at it makes me nervous.
All my life I’ve been afraid of heights, but only if I feel unprotected. Flying in an airplane doesn’t bother me, and neither does riding a roller coaster. But I don’t care for being near the top of a stepladder. Weird, huh?
Even when I see it happening on TV, it makes me feel weird in the scrotal region. And that’s not a joke. Hopefully somebody can back me up on this? I get a strange sensation down there, and it’s not at all pleasant.
Just a few days ago our oldest son was playing a video game, and his character was climbing along an outside ledge of a building, several stories above the street. And I had to leave the room. It seems ridiculous, but I felt a bolt of panic go through my body when the character looked down.
No thank you. I realize it’s just animation, but I nearly vomited into the magazine rack.
Public speaking I hate to be the center of attention, I really do. Oh, I can publish these updates from my secret room, but I’d have a difficult time reading them to a group of ten or twelve people. Because all eyes would be on me.
I’ve gotten a little better since I started my “new” job (over two years ago), because I’m now required to stand in front of the department and conduct occasional meetings. Somehow I’ve grown semi-accustomed to it, and don’t get nearly as nervous.
In the early days I’d lie awake the night before, worrying. Then I’d arrive at work with bags under my eyes, and hold the meeting looking like a pudgy Alice Cooper, with trashcan lid-sized sweat stains.
So, I’m slightly improved. Improved, but nowhere near cured. Maybe if I went to a two-week speaking camp where I was forced to talk to a roomful of doctors and dentists on top of a natural bridge every day…?
Spiders/snakes When we lived in California our garage was lousy with black widow spiders. And so was everybody else’s. The old-time Cali veterans told us it was something we’d just had to live with, but I wasn’t having any of that nonsense.
I went out there with a D-Con hydrogen bomb, detonated it, and returned the next day. And those indestructible sacks o’ poison were practically laughing in my face. You can’t kill them, unless you step on each individually and grind your foot back and forth like you’re putting out a cig.
So, every time I went into that garage I was convinced an eight-legged death-pouch would fall from the ceiling, bite my neck like a vampire, and put me into instant cardiac arrest. Paradise!
And when I was a kid I spent a couple of days way out in the country somewhere, staying at a friend’s grandparents’ house. And it was like something out of a screaming nightmare.
Snakes were everywhere.
I remember walking through a field, and hearing the grass move every few feet. I saw two HUGE black snakes slithering up the side of an outbuilding. And when we went out on the river in a little rowboat, snakes were swimming in the water all around us. And I swear it’s true, they were also hanging from the trees like Spanish moss. Hanging from the trees!
In case the permanent psychological scarring wasn’t quite deep enough, we were also treated to a real-life scene straight out of a Flannery O’Connor novel.
One afternoon we heard a lot of frantic chirping, the sound of birds freaking out, and noticed a big, shiny black snake curled around the pole of a birdhouse that was WAY up in the air. The snake was slowly inching its way upward, and the birdhouse was apparently full of baby birds that couldn’t fly.
Oh my god! This visit just kept getting better and better… We couldn’t do anything, besides stand there and watch the complete slaughter of these helpless chicks. It was gut-wrenching.
Then, from somewhere nearby: BOOM! It was a shotgun blast, courtesy of my friend’s grandfather. And the snake, now headless, fell to the ground — but still wrapped around the pole.
And I just stood there blinking real fast for the next three minutes or so, trying to process what had just happened before me.
So yeah, spiders and snakes are not my favorites either. I’m not irrationally afraid of them, like I am with heights, but they definitely fall under the heebie-jeebie heading.
Apparently my so-called phobias are fairly standard? According to this, all appear in the top 10 most common. I’m kinda disappointed, if you want to know the truth. I’d like to think I’d be more of a neuroses trailblazer. Oh well.
Now it’s your turn. Use the comments link below to confess your personal phobias. Are you afraid of flying? Thunderstorms? Lesbian dwarves? Tell us all about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
I have a phobia of not being FIRST!
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High Places….not a big fan of ladders. The pictures of that Skywalk over the Grand Canyon makes my sphincter pucker. Also the observation windows of the (formerly) Sears Tower….urp.
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Ugh. Tight spaces. Not your normal, “OH MY GOD THE ELEVATOR IS SHRINKING!!!” More, I can’t stand the thought of not being able to move my arms and such. I get creeped out watching those folks on television exploring caves and squeezing though impossibly small cracks and holes. That’s why we came OUT of caves and invented houses, man!!
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Jeff-
Oh, almost forgot…I have a HUGE fear of no N&N updates…and my fears have been realized, sadly…
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clowns creep me out.I’m not afraid of them,they just annoy the fuck out of me.
dentists,did anyone’s doctor have the old belt driven drill that turned about as fast as a whirling dervish and you could feel every turn of the diabolical drill?
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i’d have to say that my only phobia is of heights. i can’t even read about someone standing on a cliff without getting sweaty hands and shaky knees.
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top 10 – bonus points!!!!
CHECKPOINT!!!!
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I recall going to see The New River Gorge Bridge when it was being built. I was a little kid, and it was not fun. I have never been back there. I don’t care for bridges in general. I walk across one everyday though. Of course, it does not help that the whole bridge moves when coal trucks go across it.
I grew up in the boondocks. We use to catch copperheads and put them on people’s car windshields.
I know what you mean about seeing high places on TV. I was watching one of those Pittsburgh history films the other day (the one about bridges), and I had to change the channel when they showed the view from very top of the middle support structure.
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Rats. Goddamn rats. Beady-eyed, nasty little bastards. And Christmas crowds at the mall. Freak followed by hyperventilation.
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Yea, top 10, now to go read, lol!!
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number 10!!!
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ok. now I can contribute. These phobias seem to get worse with age, I dont’ remember them when I was young. Bridges…there is one is Charleston I bought lost it. I swear I could feel the damn thing swinging. I hate roller coasters, and had a full blown panic attack this year on the ferris wheel at the local fair. no shit. don’t laugh. I went with my 5 year old, and once we got to the top I froze…sweating, mumbling crying and the poor kid is soothing me…Never Again. It seems so dumb from the ground, but I have never been so scared. Flying is one of them, I have little clautrophobic attacks on airplanes. No air flow!! I also have a fear of someone hurting my kids…pretty much everything I have no control over.
I am neurotic ok!!! Now I am going to walk around rest of the damn day imagining being on that Ferris Wheel(aghhhh) on top of that bridge and someone threatening to throw my kids off the top with an airplane going over. “”full body shiver”"
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Well played tadpolegal…well played!
Mice…I hate them meeces to pieces. And I’m sure if I ever had a chance to meet a rat I prolly wouldn’t like them much either.
I don’t really have a fear of heights but I’ve learned over the years to respect them a little more. Back when I was twenty something I climbed to the top of a 100′ communication tower to change the strobe light, you couldn’t come up with enough money to get me to do that at forty something.
I think there is a medical term for that scrotal feeling you describe but I’m struggling to Google it, I’ll report back later if needed.
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I understand the heights thing, but don’t have a problem being on a roof or even on a ladder. It’s the process of getting off the ladder on the roof and vice versa that sends me shuddering.
I also HAD a fear of white milk. Couldn’t drink it, touch it, smell it without gagging and dry heaving. Still can’t drink it, but since having kids, I’m well past having a problem being around it.
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I Googled “fear of heights testicles” and found someone who experiences the same thing:
“For the first time in my life, I felt the terror of heights. I was on a mountain with them—on the rim of Mount Vesuvius—and as I was trying to keep our youngest son from squirming away from my grip, I felt a terror that centered in my testicles. ”
From: http://www.theamericanscholar.org/fear-of-falling/
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Heights, small spaces, large crowds, very loud noises, doctors (precisely because I’ve been subjected to all manner of invasive medical tests, including the Coleman lantern up the ass), dentists, and worms (worms of size, I should say; small worms just piss me off). Snakes and spiders don’t bother me at all.
Right this minute I’m trying to work up the courage to call my dentist and schedule a crown. I’ve been trying for about a week.
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You’ve hit upon my secret fear in your last paragraph, Jeff. I’ve been diagnosed with Homo-Nanosophobia, which is not very well understood by the mental health community at this point. As such, an effective treatment has thus far not been identified for my condition. Until there is a cure or an effective treatment strategy, my doctor has recommended that I not attend any roller derby events or Tom Waites concerts. It feels better just sharing my condition with everyone in this forum.
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I think my only real fear is public speaking. And it has subsided quite a lot the older I get. I think these days, in my late forties, I wouldn’t have much problem giving a speech, but it’s still something I try to avoid anyway. But in my teens and twenties it absolutely terrified me. In fact, in grad school I signed up for a public-speaking course to try to overcome my fear, but was experiencing so much anxiety that I canceled after just one class.
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I ditto you on the heights, dentists and spiders. I’m ok with snakes and public speaking.
I’m also mildly claustrophobic which is very inconvenient during makeout sessions. If he covers one of my nostrils while kissing me I have to fight off the panic attack, also if he puts too much weight on my chest, same thing. So maybe it’s more of a fear of not being able to breathe.
I hate hate ferris wheels but love roller coasters, even the ones that go upside down.
I also hate driving in bad weather or long distances. I’m talking have to pop a valium before I even get the car bad.
Damn I’m fucked up.
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Moist assrabbits make me shudder.
That and heights – I never had a fear of heights until a summer of window washing and painting…one or two close calls changes your whole ‘tude sometimes.
Wasps/hornets/bees/yellowjackets the whole family can just go fuck themselves. When I was little I put on a pair of jeans that came complete with hornet. I felt a little prick (made you smile) and ran in to the house. Mom emptied a can of raid in to my pants and my 7 yr old eyes saw this foot long monster of a wasp swagger out of the jeans. Mom took up a defensive postion between me and the death beast and then attacked with a fury that kept me in line for quite some time. Once the death monster that shot acid coated pieces of glass out of it’s fully extended attack probe (at least 16″ long to a 7 yr olds eyes) was turned in to mush I looked down to see the burning that was my upper thigh. I thought how strange that I was growing a third nut in the side of my leg but what of it.
Spiders just give me the willies.
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Swami – I’ve been looking for years for a term that describes the constriction of the scrotal sack in response to fear or discomfort – hearing someone talk about injuring their feet (step on a nail) makes the boys seek protection and comfort as close to the rest of me as possible. SHRINKAGE!!!! I’ve yet to find the official term. Yes I have a lot of time on my hands sometimes.
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I am terrified of doctors for the exact reasons you stated. I have to feel like I’m two steps from death’s door before I can force myself to visit one.
I also have a great fear of roaches. I’m getting chills just thinking about them.
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My phobia is definitely heights, especially in a car where there is about 6 inches between the edge of the right lane and a 500 foot cliff. Yea, I am sure that little 2 foot guide rail is going to keep my 3 ton SUV from busting through and plunging me to my death.
Those TV commercials where some guy is driving about 80 miles per hour out in California on that road up on a rock hillside with about 1,000 feet drop off between the road and the ocean make my balls suck up to my throat.
Snakes, spiders, rats, I don’t care. I can kill all of those.
I also hate the dentist, but I have drugs for that. 20 MG of valium, and you could amputate both of my legs with a dull knife while I watch.
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Clowns…oh my God do I fucking hate clowns.
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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me…I’m afraid of widths”….Steven Wright.
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The testicle retraction comes from the medulla reacting to a fight or flight situation and instantly reducing bloodflow to certain areas of the body while increasing it, and a bunch of other hormones, notably adrenaline.
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Jeff…was that pic at Sky Bridge at the Red River Gorge in KY? I used to go camping there all the time…looks fairly familiar.
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. . . to other areas of the body. (No idea why that first part went without the end.)
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I am not a fan of going in dark bodies of water (lakes, rivers, ponds). All those creepy water plans and slimy fish touching you? Plus I had a dream I was swimming in a local lake once and as I was walking in the shallower end of the lake I discovered I was walking on dead bodies, and that was it for me.
I also have an extreme fear of car accidents. I don’t like driving on the express way or busy areas, and I prefer taking back roads everywhere.
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Definitely share the fear of heights, and I can barely even climb a stepladder without my knees knocking.
This ridiculous East Coast winter we are having has revived one of my greatest phobias…ice. I am deathly scared of falling on the ice. Probably because back in the 90s, we had a winter of terrible ice storms, and during the winter, I had a cartoon like fall, where my feet went out from under me, I flew up in the air, and then landed flat on my back, wailing my head against a cement step, knocking me unconcious. So, yeah, I don’t handle ice very well.
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bees.
definitely bees, & any of the other goddamned flying, stinging thingies –
when I was about 3 or 4 at my grandparents cabin, I somehow got hold of a hammer & proceeded to whack the shit out of anything & everything – including the woodshed; which, it turns out, was the home to a large nest of yellow jackets or some such critters – I was quickly engulfed in a cloud of the little fuckers, dropped the hammer & ran screaming willy-nilly through the yard whilst being repeatedly stung from head to toe until my grandmother came & whisked me into the house – I spent the rest of the day covered in dabs of moistened baking soda –
to this day I will run & shriek like a little girl if I even think one is near me – my wife gets a kick out of it – in fact, on the drive up to our honemoon getaway, one got in the truck somehow & while she tried to keep it pinned between the rear sliding glass windows, I pulled off the highway at the next exit full speed into the parking lot of a subway shop or somesuch, slammed on the brakes & leaped from the vehicle like it was on fire yelling “get it!!! get it!!!” – the cop eating his sandwich leaning on his police cruiser was quite amused -
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Darkness. In all it’s evil lurid forms
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@JQ Brat – WTH are you kissing that cover’s a nostril?????
My phobias are pretty standards, heights, small spaces etc.
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I have a phobia of yesterday’s labia pic.
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Heights. Spiders. Midgets. Clowns.
I am big ‘ol sac of wienies.
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I, too, am scared of heights. Just the same as Jeff I can handle an airplane or tall building as long as there is a floor and rails of some sort but can’t do ladders or roofs. I was walking on my lunch hour last year with a friend from work and they had closed a bridge on our path and we (in order to be back in time) crossed a railroad bridge over the river that was open on the bottom and sides. I did it becasuse my fear of uneployment is greater than my fear of heights. It was horrifying though and i would never do that again. full blown panic set in about half way across. I shook for the remainder of the afternoon.
I am also afraid of germs to some degree and rats and mice.
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Angry husbands, chasing me with 12-guages scare the living shit out of me.
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Jeff…what did your parents do to you?
I hate public speaking…I will never do it ever again. Mice freak me out I have to admit…sneaky little bastards.
WB…appreciated the Pixie and Dixie reference, as well as Lee Harvey’s Waits reference.
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Is there a medical term for the fear of running out of toilet paper?
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From North of the Border I found this and it explains the Cremasteric Reflex quite well.
http://www.billcasselman.com/canadian_sayings_three/csthree_five_fear_saying.htm
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I’d look up “medulla” on Wikipedia, but I now have a fear of looking up any body part on Wikipedia, after yesterday’s horror show.
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OMG….Spiders… of any size. Deathly afraid. My boyfriend used to think it was funny until this past summer I stepped into my morning shower before work. Rinsing my hair I looked up to see the biggest, hairiest fucking small dog with eight legs crawling along the shower rod….right above my head. I freaked the fuck out and ran naked, soaking wet out of the shower and into the livingroom where I proceded to have a major panic attack.
Thank God my boyfriend hadn’t left for work yet cause I would have burned the fucking house down to kill it. He runs into the bathroom and all I hear through my screaming and crying, “HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT?” He didn’t know whether to shit or wind his watch either and shit like that doesn’t bother him.
I don’t even know how he got rid of it and I don’t wanna know. The fucking thing was so big I swear it had eyelashes. That night we were at the Home D-Pot buying gallons of bug spray to exterminate the house.
And, by the way….chicks get that “feeling” in the “nether region” too… at least I do.
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Oh….and flying…I have a fear of flying. No control. What goes up, must come down. My boyfriend is traveling for work this week. Had to fly. I was a nervous wreck until I heard his voice and he was on the ground.
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I’m learning so freaking much – what a service this blog is!!!!
- CREMASTERIC REFLEX – and that chicks get it too (?)
- that I’m not alone in my fears
- I am not the only big guy to run around and scream like a little girl at the site of a bee
some other things that freak me out
- Transvestites dressed as clowns
- Head cheese
- those little spare tires
- green ink pens
- coupons
- yellow cleaning gloves
- Tuesdays
- lederhosen
- Taragon
- shoe laces where the little plastic nubs have worn off
- mirrored sunglasses
- the word Danke schön
- irredescent items
- Ayrians
- belly button lint
- not having a kleenix when I need one
- relish
- condoms
thats pretty much it – beyond that I’m quite well adjusted
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Bikerchick: I get that feeling in the nether region too. Thank gawd you said chicks also experience it, I was beginning to think my parents had been hiding an awful secret.
And for all the rodent-phobes out there, don’t get one of these capybaras as a pet: http://gianthamster.com/ I’m totally fine with mice and rats, but these fuckers give even me the willies.
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Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.’s?
Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
[Immediately, an R.O.U.S. attacks him]
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Hot Fuzz: That’s what they named it after. And it fits. :-&
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Totally agree on the black widows. I worked in the Central Valley of CA, at a gas station. We had automatic lights set to turn on/off according to a timer. The timer was outside, in a hot, dark electric box. I was told to reset the time one daylight savings day. I opened it up, reached down, and there was a big fat black cocksucking widow right on the timer. I calmly walked back in and told the manager that she was awesome to work for, but I would not be doing that, even if I were fired. She understood, and I’m not sure the lights were ever changed.
Joe
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I’m afraid of snakes, heights and the dentist. Add fire to that and you have every paranoia that plagues me.
I even see a picture of a snake and I turn into a chicken shit.
Thanks for the great shot of the snake biting that guy’s face. I’m standing on my chair typing this.
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Oh, and my wife is afraid of heights, big time. When we go to a ball game, if we’re up in the nosebleeds, I have to help her down the bleachers. I sort of understand, though I don’t feel it in those situations. But if I were up in a hot air balloon, I’d feel the same way – somehow, I just know that I’d accidentally fling myself over the side, just like she’s accidentally going to somehow go barreling down the bleachers and smack third base with her head.
Joe
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I love spiders and snakes. Mice and rats don’t really bother me, but bees (or anything that stings) freak me out. Also flies and roaches. Just gross!
I haven’t been on a plane since I was 12. I’d probably be okay with it, but the idea doesn’t really thrill me.
Also, crowds and being restrained. During medical procedures like a c-section, they’ll strap your wrists to the table. I freaked out the first time and they just let the Evil Twin hold one hand and a nurse for the other. Same with baby #2. I refused to be strapped down.
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Oh, christ, bikerchick, that reminds me…
I drink beer from a cup, usually. The carbonation bugs me. Call me a puss, whatever.
One night, as I was finishing up a frosty cup of brew, I fleetingly saw a horrifying multi-legged black thing in the bottom of the cup. Very calmly, so as not to freak the fuck out in my drunken state, I said, “Sweetie? Can you take this cup, dump its contents down the sink, run the garbage disposal, and never tell me what was in it? Thanks, I love you!”
Joe
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Joey: Holy shitsticks! That would have put me over the edge. IN my GLASS?!? Pass the paperbag.
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Man, how do some of you people function? I’m no Gordon Cooper, but seriously.
I don’t care for heights, but I can make myself overcome it. If I am tied in to something (like a safety harness) all nervousness vanishes.
In college the ROTC would put on a rapeling clinic once a year. They’d teach you to tie your own harness, let you practice some and then you could go up to the catwalk in the gym ceiling (about 4 stories) clip on to a rope, step over the railing and slide down to the gym floor.
I’d have a good drip on the catwalk rails until I was clipped onto the rope, then all fear vanished and it was a hell of a fun ride.
I also don’t care for bugs. But I can kill them. If I ever find a cockroach in my house however I am just going to burn the place to the ground and start over. Filthy, filthy things.
Tight spaces? No problem. Dark water- done it on scuba a bunch of times. Public speaking- hell yes, done it a lot and can put together a coherent talk for any number of people with no more than 3 minutes notice. Airplanes- the smaller and bumpier the better. Roller coasters- see airplanes.
I guess the only thing I am truly afraid of is not having enough to eat. I overcome that fear by eating. Almost constantly.
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I have mixed height responses. I can climb a ladder no problem, I can perch on my tip-toes on the top step (that the stickers warn you against doing–if they made a ladder with one extra step, I wouldn’t have to do that, but I’m not dragging an oversized ladder around for my job)… BUT, if I am on a flat roof and walking near the edge, the view from my peripheral vision seems to throw my balance off… makes me stop dead in my tracks until I stabilize my frame of reference. Climb the vertical ladder on roofs? No problem. Stand on the glass floor of the CN Tower? No problem. I love heights in that fashion, but if I start walking parallel to a drop, that peripheral vision fucks with me every time. Bridge on the other hand don’t affect me, might be okay since its both sides that are equally thrown off. Heh…
I am itching to cross the Makinac bridge in the UP of Michigan.
As for that group of strangers pictured at the KY bridge, I wonder what activities led up to that photo considering the one girl has her t-shirt barely pulled down over her bra…
Snakes I cast a leery eye towards. Spiders are fine in my book. One house I lived in, every evening there would be a spider parked on the ceiling above me. I figure he can eat any mosquitos and bugs that invade the house.
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My big one is heights. Like Jeff, I’m fine if there is a railing, but without one I’m freaking out. This was a major issue 20 years ago when I worked construction, especially making the transition off rooftops onto ladders. I even fell off a scaffold once which didn’t help the situation.
I also hate maggots. Not so much a phobia per se, but a deep and intense loathing. If there’s any chance my food was in contact with flies or their larva I pitch it immediately.
I have some minor claustrophobia, but it rarely is an issue. Last time it caused any problems was when I was getting an MRI. If the doctor had been thinking he’d have given me some Valium, but you know how much doctors like advice form non-doctors.
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Bees – I dread summer because this goes beyond phobia stage. I am thinking hypnotism.
Tunnels. Jumping Jesus on a Jackhammer – don’t stick me underwater surrounded by concrete and carbon monoxide. I literally feel my chest tighten.
phonecalls in the middle of the night. It usually means 1 of 2 things – death or drunk.
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I don’t know, Joel, I don’t think those phobias are so wierd.
What I am afraid of is that at the end of the money there will be life left.
Any woman who is honest worries about becoming a bag lady.
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phobias:
Spiders: the only good spider is a dead spider. I have a pact with them, they are fine outside, inside they are dead. When I was small I used to have nightmares about big spiders crawling on the ceiling above my bed, guess I never outgrew that one.
Bats: Again, not in the house
Heights: had to get over this one working in construction, still makes me nervous. you will NEVER find me jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.
Marriage: I just keep seeing 1/2 of everything I own walk out the door. I am seriously trying to get over this one.
Food: once found a dead mouse in a new container of chip dip. I now stir EVERY bowl of dip I get before the first chip goes in.
Dreadlocks: seriously, who knows what is crawling there. couldn’t be with a woman with dreads.
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“Just a few days ago our oldest son was playing a video game, and his character was climbing along an outside ledge of a building, several stories above the street. And I had to leave the room. It seems ridiculous, but I felt a bolt of panic go through my body when the character looked down.”
DO NOT WATCH the seemingly harmless kid’s film “Up” – I too have a serious height phobia. I spent a good portion of the film with the scrote watcher over my head. No kidding – avoid it.
This Summer Lester, the youngest female and I drove out to Burning Man again this summer- 1st year we went across the New River Gorge, and it was dark, so I couldn’t really tell. This year we took a different route, which required us to cross the Hoover Dam. As I lay on the floor of the 34 foot long RV, attempting to avoid voiding on the floor, Lester and that child talked on and on about how high we were and how marrow the road was.
When I finally opened an eye, I could see the new bridge supports, and Sweet Jesus! There were men in orange vests just walking around all willy-nilly!! I am guessing that the vests make it easier to find the bodies later on.
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Xanax is my key to flying the friendly skies. I am much larger than Winona Ryder, therefore able to take quantities that horrify even my doctor (I don’t have a Dr. phobia). Add a cocktail and voila! A lovely travel experience.
I am with Biker Chick . When it comes to heights, I get the “scrotal region” thing, although I do not have a scrotal region.
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Intimacy and hights, most ly. If they’re different.
Seems like a guy who takes the time to write and sing San Diego Serenade merits the seven seconds it takes to check on the spelling of his last name. Hell, he had seven really good albums out while the original L. Bangs still walked the earth.
AND WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN BOX SCORES?
Perhaps another fear is that one day I’ll work myself into a frenzy and lose my way, but I’ll damn well still spell the honorable Mr. Waits’ name correctly while doing so.
JTB out, and headed to the Indian casino as part of the commemoration of the 5th anniversary of Dr. Thompson’s death.
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roller coasters, being misunderstood, growing old and eating cat food in the park, accidentally crushing poorly supervised children in parking lots. That’s about it. I’m pretty normal.
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Ir wasn’t nice to put that link without warning about the spider! I couldn’t read the article because I damn near broke the back button getting the hell out of there! Thanks.
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Phobias? Only one, discussions about women shoe sales. You can thank, eh never mind.
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forgot one
Dentists: when I was a young lad I went in for checkup, proceeded to get a shot that hurt so I slugged the dentist. He hauled me out to my mom and told her to bring me back when I could behave. a**hole
I get sweaty every time I have to go in one of those places…. I will admit that I had a root canal a few years ago, explained everything and they were great. was fine till I looked at the drill they used….
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I’m only afraid of two things, (1) Fire, and (2) a woman with a lawyer.
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Only a couple of the garden variety phobias here: heights and public speaking.
I can’t even watch a roller coaster run on TV without getting the scrotal reaction, especially that first big drop, where you see nothing but sky.
Public speaking was another one. I’d jabber like Mel Tillis and wet myself. Back in the old days, I worked for a bank and we’d have a monthly meeting with the treasurer (my boss), the CFO, CEO, Comptroller, President. I did most of the legwork and my boss would do the presentation.
One day, on our way to the meeting, my boss says, “you’re going to run the meeting today.” I said, “yeah, right” and we go into the meeting and he says, “take it away, Don.”
Homina, homina, shit, fuck, piss. But I got through it.
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Alex: I have the same opinion of spiders — that they are my friends, and eat the other nasty bugs that invade my house. In fact, I’ve had a spider living above my stove (hanging down from the range-hood) for about the past two or three weeks. He (or she) has built a nice web, and just hangs out there all day (and night) long. When I cook something on the stove, he (or she) runs and hides in a corner. But when my cooking is done, she (or he) comes back out and mans her (or his) perch. And to tell you the truth, I genuinely feel compassion for him (or her), because I wonder what the heck in the dead of winter she (or he) is finding to eat. I mean, it’s not like there’s a bunch of bugs flying around my house in the dead of February. So I genuinely worry that my spider friend is going to slowly starve to death. In fact, I’ve even thought about ways I can find and capture a bug, and then toss it onto my friend’s web. But really, there are no bugs available in February, so I wouldn’t even know where I’d get one. So I silently pray to myself that my little pal will make it through the winter, and come April some gnats will appear and squeeze through a window screen or sneak in when I open a door, and find its way into my little friend’s web.
I must say, though, that if my spider was a black widow, I would have killed it the day I first spotted it. But to my knowledge black widows don’t live here in Pennsylvania, so I don’t have to worry about that. So I’ll let my little friend live in peace, until he (or she) either thrives on stray bugs this Spring, or slowly starves to death this winter.
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I was in an earthquake, and even though I didn’t get hurt or anything, it just stuck with me. Deflection freaks me out – you know, a bus or truck goes by and makes the floor move? And if I’m stuck in traffic on a bridge or overpass and there are a lot of trucks making it REALLY move, I lose it. The hubster has to talk me down so I don’t have a total meltdown behind the wheel.
And spiders. Maybe I’m just a really crappy spider-slayer, but they never die the first time I take a whack at them, and then they land on me or something. Just about the only approach I take to a spider anymore is with a sledgehammer, drywall be damned.
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The doctor, the dentist, all insects that both fly and sting.
I have no problem with heights, and I actually enjoy flying except for the firehose of bullshit that is the “air transport system”.
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the “air transport system” phobia is closely related to the fear of bloated, inefficient bureaucracies.
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I’m not sure if I’m afraid of anything real. Zombies, tripods (War of the worlds), and terminators.
Beyond that, I don’t love certain things, but am pretty good with heights, bugs, snakes, etc.
I’m afraid that some of you might be pussies. Is that a legit fear. Surfrepussaphobia? I’ll call the people who write the DSM and see what they think.
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Sobriety scares the fuck out of me.
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I fear being thought of as uncool by you. With that said, I loathe this “First”, “Top Ten”, “F-you for being first”, “Damn I wanted to be first” people. Ugh. Don’t approve if you will.
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I’m afraid of anything that requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I hate taking drugs, but Xanax is a beautiful thing. Talk to me about flying or taking a long driving trip and I start to have nightmares the same night.
I get the scrotal (if I had a scrotal) feeling when I see home videos on TV where the person goes splat, be it a skateboarder on a railing, a fat woman on a kids bike, a toddler on a big wheel. It just makes my non-existent balls pull up into my body.
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I’m not afraid of anythin….OH GOD! A SNAKE TO THE FACE!!!
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My friends…in reading Jeff”s update, the evidence continues to mount on my long held hypothesis. Jeff Kay is a PUSSY.
Much like Al Gore maintains with Global Warming–the debate is OVER.
Buck Out
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Alex and Swami: SHIIITT! You two are freakin me out! After reading your spider-loving post’s, I got a twinge in the ol’ vaj region.
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Anything that can kill me simply by biting me witha mouth smaller than my ear frightnes the holy batshit out of me.
At leas a shark can bite my body in half and I could see what my fat ass looks like in Dockers Hefty Cut waist without twisting all funny in the mirror. Or a fall from a natural bridge would cause wrechted tree impalement.
Spiders and snakes need but to nibble at my toes and can make my head fall off, screw that.
And women. My wife scares the everliving shit out of me.
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Jeff- you described the exact same phobia I have. To.a.f-in.tee…. I have no problem with high places, provided they have RAILINGS. I have nightmares about ramps and bridges without railings where I have to get across and all I can do is lie there freaking out (in the dream) . That natural bridge in Kentucky that you showed frankly I think started it. (the bastard). I was young, about 5, and we were walking across it, we had made it to about the middle, when my family and I were passed by some mountain bikers. They sorta zoomed by us with no warning, plenty of room I guess, but to me, it looked like they were going right over, and if they could, I could. I had to spend the rest of the trip over being carried by my father with his shirt over my head.
The only other freak me out is one that hasn’t been brought up here yet. So FIRST NYAH! (which irritates the hell outta me btw). Leeches….. bllleeeahhhhhh…. just the thought of them makes me all twitchy and freaked. I will not swim in a lake unless it is likely to be leech free. Hell, at last years Renaissance faire they had a fish bowl of leeches on the counter in Ye Olde Apothecaries Shoppe. I started sweating and nearly passed out. I was out the doorway before I knew what happened, and those were those BIIIIGGG evil leeches, like 20 or 30 ft long. Brrr.
~Aqua
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I see that I’m in good company here. I fucking HATE hornets/wasps/bees. Grew up in a house with rotting eaves and a garage made of old barn lumber where I kept my bicycle. There were hundreds of nests in the garage so getting the bike out was always an adventure. Hornets got in the house frequently (huge nests in the attic) and I got stung many a time by the bastards when they would get into my bedroom through the ceiling light fixture. I used to spray-bomb their outdoor nests with hornet spray for sadistic fun and my Grandparents would yell at me for wasting all of the $4 a can hornet spray.
And that’s why spiders don’t bother me: I saw a hornet get stuck in a web and watched the spider come out and kill it. We’re kindred spirits I guess.
Walking past any kind of tunnel that I can’t see the end of freaks me out (like railroad tunnels). I was kayaking on the Monongahela River a few years ago and went past a huge, dark sewer tunnel that empties into the river and I could not get past that damned thing fast enough. However, I go caving all the time and that doesn’t really bother me at all. Go figure.
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Oh yeah — another big phobia: running out of beer at the house!
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Rat Bastard-To cure the last phobia all one has to do is adopt the seven P principle: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance!
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I’m deathly afraid of Google maps photographing our house with our Christmas tree lights still up, trash cans in the front yard, and air conditioners still in the windows. Can you ask for a do-over?
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I’m way late to the game on this one, but my fears are very, very strange. I can’t stand any space shots or underwater shots. Meaning, I can’t watch TV or any movies and have them pan out to a space shot (like in Apollo 13) or underwater shots (like in Titanic). It freaks me the hell out. The underwater shots I get, because I am deathly afraid of water creatures (mostly sharks) but the space shots I don’t get. Perhaps it is the black infiniti that bugs me, but really, it makes no sense. I just clench up & cover my eyes and ears (?) waiting for it to go away.
I too am afraid of snakes. Only I am so scared of them that in pet stores I can’t stand anywhere near the glass cases they are in. I’m convinced that they know I’m there and are setting out the fine china for my preperation. No thank-you!
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Oh, and thanks to that shit-fest known as ‘Arachnophobia’ when I was a kid, I have always been deathly afraid of any sort of spider. Again, I am convinced that they only exist to torment me. (And I don’t care if it’s a gnat, or a daddy long legs, or an ant, they ALL want to kill me).
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Swami – I let a spider set up shop in a kitchen window for several years, using the same reasoning you are. After several generations of them, it was near impossible to get rid of the little buggers. I even took the window apart to clean them out, and still they endured. Don’t worry about their food supply – before long you’ll see the remnants of their discarded mealtime carcasses…
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Oh, and fears? Everything, all the time. I just grew too old to give a shit about them anymore.
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Spiders freak me out. I had to go to the doctor after one bit me on the hand during my sleep. He told me that insects are attracted to me because I give off a sweet scent. I have no idea if that’s true but spiders do seem to seek me out. A few months ago I was working in an investment house and had a water jug on the kitchen counter. I held it up and hit the button for a drink. Something went into my mouth so I spit it in the sink – and it fucking crawled off! It was a spider! In my mouth! Jesus Christ!
I used to do public speaking all the time. The last time I spoke at a church in front of four thousand people, it was also televised. When I finished one of my friends asked me if talking in front of all those people freaked me out . It never occured to me to be freaked out, but once he brought it up I DID freak out. So no more public speaking for me. He created a phobia for me out of thin air.
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I’m scared shitless of someone catching me jacking off at work. It’s a fear that consumes me daily.
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I’m not particularily afraid of bats (especially outside) but when I had long hair (in my twentysomething rocker days/daze) I was afraid of one getting tangled in and having to shave my head with a flying rodent (alive or dead) stuck there. Now that I have short hair, it isn’t as much of a concern. The fear was based on a couple of experiences…I’ve removed a bat from inside the house, twice.
The first time was daylight and it looked like some dried soot or the worlds biggest, darkest dust bunny was hanging in the corner beside the fireplace mantle. I didn’t know what it was…so I just left it there. My mom kept a clean house so in hindsight it is odd that I didn’t explore further but I had a girl coming to visit so my priorities were “elsewhere”. An hour or so later, we we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie when she pointed at the floor about six feet away…the small dark blob had somehow moved to the carpet. I went and poked it with my finger which caused it to stretch out and become identifiable…
The second time was at night. I went to bed but as I was lying in complete darkness I could hear a strange fluttering sound overhead in my room. Not wanting to walk across the room to the light switch, I reached for the remote and turned on the tv. There in the dim light, on the floor between my bed and the tv, was a now familiar shape…
Somehow, in both cases, the bats didn’t really budge while I executed a plan to remove them. I was able to cover each one with a large bowl/roasting pot, and slide the lid underneath to trap them. I’ll always remember hearing the squeaks and seeing a partial wing exposed from between the container and lid as I carried a makeshift live trap outside to set a bat free.
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ok…the bat thing freaked me out and now I have another one. aagghh. I can just see the veiny wing trying to reach out and eat my eyeballs with its hook thumb thing…ugh. must go lay down.
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We’ve had bats in our last two houses, damn’em all to hell where they belong. I know, I know, they eat insects. Then they should stay OUTSIDE or shelters other than where I AM. My husband has found many bat corpses in empty buckets in our basement because they couldn’t get out. ick.
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I am very familiar with the strange scrotal affliction from which you suffer. It’s like a joy buzzer wrapped in a washcloth down there, almost like straddling a high tension power line.
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I’m not claustrophobic, per se, but if I watch or read about someone in a confined place, then all bets are off. Watched a movie when I was young (70′s) about a girl who was kidnapped and put in a box and buried. She had a light, a long straw to some water and a fan blowing fresh air. But a ransom had to be paid so she could be found and released. THAT did me in . . . and then the battery ran out and she was in the dark. Just thinking about her being confined is enough to set me off. Also, an episode of CSI where Stokes was buried, YIKES!! I was nervous and twitchy the whole hour.
Ride an elevator, no problem. Get stuck in the same elevator, then we have problems. Tour Carlsbad Caverns, no problem. Overhear you telling me that we are down 100s of feet in the cavern, problems.
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I have luposlipophobia. It’s the fear of being chased by timberwolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.
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God bless you, Gary Larson.
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Midgets. And chalk. If I saw a chalk-covered midget, I would more than likely lose my mind.
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I thought I was the only one who got this strange sensation in my testicles when I was looking down from a very high height.
I got it from watching a TV show showing a climber standing on the sphere on the top of the Petronas tower in Malaysia. I did not get it watching him climb—I only get it in situations where I, or someone else, might fall with the slightest wrong move.
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