What’s Your Opinion of Disgraceful, Ball-Baby Male Napping?

What’s your take on naps?  I’m strongly opposed to them… especially for men.  Is that crazy?  Possibly, but it seems kinda ball-baby bitch for a grown man to take a nap in the middle of the day.  Suck it up, sissy, and maintain consciousness for a few hours in a row.  I’m sure you can do it, if you tap some inner-strength.  Sweet sainted mother of Harold Hecuba.

Nostrils naps, of course, and that might be the source of some of my feelings on the matter.  He’s all the time “exhausted” and in need of “a short rest.”  He’s been known to get all the way into our bed — under the covers!  What kind of weirdo does such a thing??  I’m getting all fired-up just thinking about it.

He also has a fifty mile commute to his job, and nearly drives his dandelion-powered car into a bridge abutment during each trip.  And after he arrives, we’re told, he goes straight to his office, locks the door, and sleeps on the floor for a couple of hours.  You know, to recover from the harrowing journey he’s just endured.

And, of course, he also shit himself during one of his first encounters with a southern rainstorm, and Nancy had to take him “fresh” underwear and a tube of ointment.  But that doesn’t really have anything to do with napping, does it?  I’m getting a little sidetracked here…

In any case, I slept for three hours on Saturday.  I was so tired I felt almost sick, so I went upstairs, got into bed, and clear-cut virgin growth cypress for a long, long time.  I closed the bedroom door, turned the air conditioner on high, and just snoozed on through the afternoon.  Man, it hit the spot…

But when I woke up I felt a great sense of shame.  I climbed off the platform, plucked a square foot of cotton from my crack, and began cussing myself out.  Oh, I gave myself a good thrashing, which is something I deserve on a regular basis.  I wish I could shoe myself in the nuts.

I felt great, though.  Physically speaking…  It was nothing short of fantastic, if you want to know the ugly truth.  However, it was three hours of productivity out the window.  I have so many things I need to do, and so little time.  I can’t be wallowing around in bed like a delicate flower of a man.

It’s a little different if you’re sitting in a chair watching TV, and fall asleep (like our friend above).  I don’t really count that as a nap, that’s just, you know, dozing.  MANLY dozing.  But when you go to the bedroom, regulate the temperature, remove a layer of clothing, and climb atop the platform… that demonstrates intent, and premeditation.  And I can’t have that.

What’s your opinion of male napping?  Or napping, in general?  Am I way off on it?  Do you agree that it’s kinda ball-baby?  Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have yourselves a fine, fine day.

Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer.


    • CADude says

      In defense of the howler monkeys,I think they need a few seconds to load up on air before they let loose with their howls. If you’ve ever been awakened by one at 5 a.m. in the jungle, you’d suspect the same thing. Damned things are LOUD.

      I think you’re right about the giant elephant-shrews. Pussies, every one of ’em.

      And pandas? Stoners. No doubt about it.

        • johnthebasket says

          Those Howlers infest OC, and are particularly loud during the full moon and just after the anniversary of Nixon’s resignation.


        • WB in OH says

          Now that I’ve seen a picture of a shrew, I’m less than impressed that Shakespeare tamed one.

        • CADude says

          The caption for the lower picture in the shrew article could have appeared in the earlier penile discussion: “Dr Galen Rathbun and a colleague stroke the new discovery.”

          Gretchen: I’ve encountered howler monkeys (as well as squirrel, capuchan, and spider monkeys) during several “get away from it all” visits to Costa Rica (10-day trips in ’07, ’08, and ’09). In my experience, the concrete jungle presents a much more challenging environment, as its demands seem never-ending. In contrast, after hikes in the Central American jungle, there’s always been an ecolodge (Lapa Rios, Rancho Pacifico) or casita (in Playa Langosta, Cahuita, Manzanillo) for rejuvenation (read: cocktails, dinner, and a good bed).

          jtb: for the record, I was in New England on Summer break from college on August 9, 1974, and howled in delight. I hated everything about Nixon, although for selfish reasons I voted for him in November ’72 (a low draft number, 1A status, college deferments had ended, and I hoped/believed that Nixon would stop calling draftees before McGovern could take office and do the same. Nixon did (I believe it was January 23 that he announced that no more would be drafted), so I was only on the “hot seat” for about 3 weeks in January.) I’ve always excused myself for that vote.

          The only howlers that I’ve heard lately here in the OC were when Governor Moonbeam was elected again. I thinks some consideration is now being given to merging OC and SD counties into the new state of “Reagan”. Howl at that, my friend.

          • chill says

            Like there aren’t enough things named after Reagan already? My understanding is that some group had made it their life’s work to get things named after him, long before he was dead – which resulted in the carrier, the airport, the building, etc.

          • johnthebasket says


            1) Glad you survived Vietnam, no matter how. It wasn’t a kind war.

            2) You guys are missing a bet if you don’t name the merger of OC and SDC after Nixon’s Southern Strategy. Nothing at all wrong with naming those places niggerama.

            love as always…

  1. lori in cbus says

    i have to slap a damn cpap mask on if i want to sleep so i try not to take naps.. im gonna be fucking lonely because i sound like Darth Vaders’ sister at night.. but the upside is I feel great and get good sleep.. my sleep doc just lowered my pressure so its improving..

    i can’t believe i just told you guys this.. oh well, joke ya if ya can’t take a fuck.. or something like that

    • says

      Lori, we don’t care if you wear the pap smear mask, or whatever it’s called, we still love you.

      What I wanna know is why Jeff Kay won’t answer my instant chat messages on the goddamn facebook? I have rights! The right to be heard! The right to be loaded on pain pills and drunk at the same time. (Pointing at my own chest) I pay my taxes! I PAY MY TAXES, motherfuckers!!

  2. doctorright says

    Hey guys.
    I know this is a humor site- and a great one- and one of the few I care about. At all.
    But I also care about baseball, and I’m probably the only Orioles fan here. Or not, I don’t know.
    But the O’s have lost Mike Flanagan.
    A funny guy, a true Oriole, and even though I didn’t know him. I’m really sad.

    Back to your regularly scheduled programming!

    • AngryWhiteGuy says

      I know, right? I was a little put off by that when I heard it on SC this morning. Childhood sports figures dying always weird me out. I’ll be devastated when Tom Seaver kicks the bucket.

      • AngryWhiteGuy says

        Or Jerry West, who I thought was my real Dad for many years, cause Mom fucked him too.

  3. clintcurtis says

    Gee, after getting up yesterday at 3AM, getting home at 9:30AM…sleeping til 11AM…staying up all day and night and then being here at work at 7AM after having an Endosopy on my throat. the day before..Heck, I would LOVE a nap!!!!!! (although the Demerol was a great, short term reprieve!)
    P.S. thanx for the thoughts and prayers, fellow Surf Reporters! Looks good for me…unfortunately the wife won’t be cashing in on the the insurance policy for quite a while, lol!

    • says

      Clint, you’re fucking crazy if you have a life insurance policy. I don’t. I’m not going to have some motherfucker spend my money with my wife after I’m dead. My plan is, if I start feeling sick I’m just gonna shoot her ass.

      Good to hear you’re doing well.

    • johnthebasket says


      Glad you came through OK and will continue to keep the Northern Lights shining. Be well and take it easy for a while…


    • CADude says

      An industrious surf reporter could photoshop your face (from the pic in your link) onto that drawing, and we’d have…well, I’m not sure what we’d have, but it sure as hell would be funny.

  4. Carl Showalter says

    For JTB:

    Kinky Friedman endorses Rick Perry:

    “So would I support Rick Perry for president? Hell, yes! As the last nail that hasn’t been hammered down in this country, I agree with Rick that there are already too damn many laws, taxes, regulations, panels, committees, and bureaucrats. While Obama is busy putting the hyphen between ‘anal’ and ‘retentive’ Rick will be rolling up his sleeves and getting to work.”

    “These days, of course, I would support Charlie Sheen over Obama. Obama has done for the economy what pantyhose did for foreplay.”


  5. johnthebasket says

    Danica had all the equipment, money and support she needed to be successful on the open wheel circuit. She wasn’t quite good enough or lucky enough. I suppose she’ll do better with the pussified NASCAR where you can make a shitload of money even if you can’t win.

    I’m continuing to breathe in the usual way and have decided that I can live just fine without further information on dry or confetti orgasms. But to each, his or her own.


    • says

      I still don’t understand the media love for Danica and Dale Jr. Neither one has been a winner.

      As for breathing a former girlfriend who is a nurse told me I had chains and rails when I breathe so I have that going for me if I need to travel in inclement weather.

      Confetti orgasms would be fun during holiday celebrations.

      • bikerchick says

        “….Confetti orgasms would be fun during holiday celebrations.” Gives new meaning to a ticker tape parade.

      • johnthebasket says


        And Danica has a couple of things going for her that Jr. lacks, but they don’t seem to get her to that first turn ahead of the crowd.

        As for my breathing, a female nighttime visitor once told me that while sleeping I sound like Mt. St. Helens erupting periodically. I don’t think she was congratulating me. Actually, the chains and rails sound better, in case you have to fight your way through.