What’s Your Opinion of Disgraceful, Ball-Baby Male Napping?

What’s your take on naps?  I’m strongly opposed to them… especially for men.  Is that crazy?  Possibly, but it seems kinda ball-baby bitch for a grown man to take a nap in the middle of the day.  Suck it up, sissy, and maintain consciousness for a few hours in a row.  I’m sure you can do it, if you tap some inner-strength.  Sweet sainted mother of Harold Hecuba.

Nostrils naps, of course, and that might be the source of some of my feelings on the matter.  He’s all the time “exhausted” and in need of “a short rest.”  He’s been known to get all the way into our bed — under the covers!  What kind of weirdo does such a thing??  I’m getting all fired-up just thinking about it.

He also has a fifty mile commute to his job, and nearly drives his dandelion-powered car into a bridge abutment during each trip.  And after he arrives, we’re told, he goes straight to his office, locks the door, and sleeps on the floor for a couple of hours.  You know, to recover from the harrowing journey he’s just endured.

And, of course, he also shit himself during one of his first encounters with a southern rainstorm, and Nancy had to take him “fresh” underwear and a tube of ointment.  But that doesn’t really have anything to do with napping, does it?  I’m getting a little sidetracked here…

In any case, I slept for three hours on Saturday.  I was so tired I felt almost sick, so I went upstairs, got into bed, and clear-cut virgin growth cypress for a long, long time.  I closed the bedroom door, turned the air conditioner on high, and just snoozed on through the afternoon.  Man, it hit the spot…

But when I woke up I felt a great sense of shame.  I climbed off the platform, plucked a square foot of cotton from my crack, and began cussing myself out.  Oh, I gave myself a good thrashing, which is something I deserve on a regular basis.  I wish I could shoe myself in the nuts.

I felt great, though.  Physically speaking…  It was nothing short of fantastic, if you want to know the ugly truth.  However, it was three hours of productivity out the window.  I have so many things I need to do, and so little time.  I can’t be wallowing around in bed like a delicate flower of a man.

It’s a little different if you’re sitting in a chair watching TV, and fall asleep (like our friend above).  I don’t really count that as a nap, that’s just, you know, dozing.  MANLY dozing.  But when you go to the bedroom, regulate the temperature, remove a layer of clothing, and climb atop the platform… that demonstrates intent, and premeditation.  And I can’t have that.

What’s your opinion of male napping?  Or napping, in general?  Am I way off on it?  Do you agree that it’s kinda ball-baby?  Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have yourselves a fine, fine day.

Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer.

173 Responses to “What’s Your Opinion of Disgraceful, Ball-Baby Male Napping?”

  1. I take a nap everyday at lunch. I don’t see anything wrong with it.

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  2. I’m a big fan of napping on weekends. Productivity be damned.

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  3. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    …I could go for a nap right now. Damn these 12 hour work days.

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  4. Nothing wrong with a little afternoon shuteye. Naturally, Nostrils has pushed it way beyond the pale (and that’s without considering him crawling into someone else’s bed).

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  5. I like to get up early on Saturday, maybe have some toast or cereal, surf the web or watch TV for a couple of hours, then go back to bed for a couple of hours. Back up at noon and ready to go for the rest of the weekend.

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  6. Fuck it, had a comment typed up and it went tits up before I could post it. I nap occasionally, call me what you will.

    Hope everyone is okay on the east coast, surf reporters that is, the cast of Jersey Shore could get swallowed by a giant fucking sink hole. Or is it sinkhole?

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    Ognir Reply:

    Last night I was on a public bus full of college kids. I noticed they all seem to take after the kids on that show. That is sad.

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    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    Jersey Shore fucked up as soon as they named themselves after Pauly Shore.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Pauly Shore calls himself “The Siutation”????

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    CADude Reply:

    I think he’s “The Situ-A-tion”

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    renn Reply:

    Pauly Shore is The WEA-SUL! [I know it's spelled incorrectly. It's how he used to say it...]

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  7. What else is there to do when it’s 107 degrees on a Saturday? Close the living room shades, strap on the noise-cancelling headphones, kick the recliner back and sack out. An hour later, all is right with the world.

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  8. I’m the King of Naps. Give me a good, comfy couch and I’ll snooze away a good hour or so.
    Wow, cool earthquake!

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  9. I’m strongly in favor of a brief (30 minutes or less) nap to revitalize. However, we must define what a nap is. A nap is a period of sleep during normal waking hours that does not involve disrobing or a bed. Naps are to be taken fully clothed on the sofa or your favorite chair. Loosening of belts is permitted, however nothing beyond shoes may be removed. If you disrobe and climb into bed, it is no longer a nap; I categorize that as “sleep”. Sleeping during normal waking hours is not unmanly. Just indicates you’re tired as hell and need more than a nap. Now you see why I don’t comment very often; I talk too much…..

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    fattie20xl Reply:

    can i take off my jacket and tie?

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    Chuck in Bama Reply:

    Sure, but I’ll have to charge extra………

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  10. We just had an earthquke. 5.8 from Virginia up through Toronto.

    I fucking LOVE naps. but I have very erratic sleep patterns. I’ve had them all my life and tried every “remedy” known: new mattress, warm milk (what fucker thought that was a good idea?- GAG ME), valeria root, blah blah blah.. So on weekends, I live for a nap. And yes, soemtimes I do get under the blankies. Especially in the winter.

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    Vicki Reply:

    I just saw the headlines–no shaking here in Georgia. Evacuations and cell phone outages seem to abound. First hand reports coming?

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    We felt the earthquake in SE Ohio! Strongest one I have ever felt.

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    Greg Reply:

    I was in the basement. Didn’t even feel it.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Out here on the left coast we did not feel it.

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    Henderson Reply:

    Have you tried Ambien, Xanax and Vodka? And yes, I mean together.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    My current remedy is about 17 glasses of chardonnay. I sleep a few hours, then have to get up and whiz.

    I was taking Tylenol PM – but then I thought, holy fucklebugs, my liver is going to explode. S I tried the Valeria root. Works fine. But never consistent.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    They make that Tylenol PM without the Tylenol. Works pretty good provided you give yourself 8 hours to sleep it off. I’ll post the name when I get home tonight.

    Oh just a disclaimer, I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, but have been known to dispense drivel on the internets.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Forgot about google, it’s called Tylenol Simply Sleep. All the roofies no acetaminophen.

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    Tipsey McChugney Reply:

    Isn’t the active agent in this OCM merely Diphenhydramine?

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    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    Yep. I buy the off brand benedryl for about $3 for 100 pills. I take those, valerian root, melatonin, prozac, xanax, and blood pressure shit every night to fall asleep.

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    ian the errolite Reply:

    Wild lettuce extract..oh yeah!

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    Shook like an MF’er here in Charley West. Love it. We never get good disasters.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    They evacuated some of the buildings in downtown Pittsburgh. Mainly the court house area. You know those old-ass buildings weren’t built to sustain any shaking. The whole city could be in ruins with the age of the most of the structures…AND bridges for that matter. The Steelers even evacuated their practice field on the South Side. I’m uptown, at Mercy Hospital. Nothing felt here.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    They evacuated a field?

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    bikerchick Reply:

    I guess they were in the “facility”

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    Could be crevices.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    The house was shaking like a Polaroid picture here in the ‘Burgh.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Wow! That’s just crazy. It’s the friggin end of the world, y’all.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Yeah, we got the hurricane coming too. The Mayans were right!

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    Vicki Reply:

    Think I have time to charge up all the credit cards?

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Definitely. A woman can pack a lot of shopping into one afternoon.

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  11. I though that was what Sunday afternoons were for.

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  12. I do 30 minute power naps when I know that I will be called upon to perform above and beyond the normal call of duty later in the day. Example: On gig nights, I will try to get a 30 minute nap in during the afternoon or evening, as I know I won’t get to bed before 1:00 or 2:00 am. The naps are always 20-30 minutes (I automatically wake up after that length of time), and I stay fully clothed and on top of the bed-spread. I believe that I should be allowed these occasional power naps without relinquishing my permit to carry a concealed penis.

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  13. Sounds like Jeff needs a nap.

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  14. I am working from home office today. Went upstairs to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee about 30 minutes ago, and the chandeliers were swinging. I also heard creaking sounds and figured we were having high winds.

    Turns out we had an earthquake, very strange. Evidently, the dog felt it also as she wanted to run outside to poop.

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  15. I freaking LOVE naps! When I feel the energy waning, a quick 1 hour in the bed gets me all charged up for the rest of the day. I might have lost an hour, but I am that much more productive when I wake up. Biologically, we are built to sleep from just after sundown to dawn and then a few times per day. It’s just our retarded modern society with it’s drive for productivity that tells us that we need to stay conscious continuously for 18 of every 24 hours. Do you see any animals other than man that don’t take naps? We think that society’s norms trump evolution. You can’t change sleep patterns of an entire species in a timespan as tiny as the Industrial Revolution.

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  16. I screwed up my sleep cycles about a decade ago as I had to go from Singapore to Boston 6 times a year. Napping is a rare, rare, rare thing now, but when it does happen, it’s sweat pants, on the couch, on a cold winter day, with football on the TV.

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  17. Daytime naps make me feel like shit, and make me have to shit, for some odd reason. I always feel like I’ve drank a bottle of liquid Tylenol 8 after sleeping during the day. Not worth a damn afterwards, so I try to avoid the urge.

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  18. Meh. ‘Tis plenty manly to nap. Hell, on my father’s side of the family, EVERYBODY’S manly, since they all have the strange ability to nap for hours, and then go to sleep at their regular bedtimes! It ain’t right!

    Besides, Nostril’s a different species, so….

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  19. I rarely take a nap – like Jeff, it seems to be a huge waste of time even when there is nothing else left to do. On the rare occasions when I do hit the platform, I’m back up in 30 minutes or so.
    Exceptions are full-blown flu, post surgical drug-induced slumber and excessive elixir consumption early in the afternoon.
    Mid-Georgia’s earthquake damage: dogs barked, porch creaked then back to the normal 3-hells heat.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    I only felt a left-right jolt, then nothing. Felt more like something outside exploded or a full cement truck left the elevated portion of I-64, which is just a short distance away.

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  20. Naps are one of the great pleasures of living, as far as I’m concerned. Refreshing, rejuvenating, easily achieved. I’m going to take one right now…

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  21. Here seems to be the favorite photo on twitter of the earthquake destruction in DC.

    http://jmckinley.posterous.com/dc-earthquake-devastation

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Oh Lordy, that’s funny!

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    bikerchick Reply:

    LMFAO!!!

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    Root 66 Reply:

    Insurance claim: 25% damage to chairs.
    That picture was too funny!

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    Gretchen Reply:

    You know, I have to believe that people in Cali are laughing their butts off at us East Coasters right about now.

    “5.9! BAH! I’ve been in vibrating beds more violent than that!!”

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    CADude Reply:

    How’d you know? :)

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    Melissa Reply:

    Yeah, I was wondering when CADude would say something. I wuddn’t gonna until he did!
    But yeah, that pic pretty much sums up what we’ve all been saying here at the office. I read that a lot of people were evacuated then SENT HOME.
    LOL! Our facilities guy would have just told us to duck & get over it.

    A couple years ago there was one that I think was just over 6 on the scale & everyone half-assed evacuated. That is, no official word was given so the people who were standing in the parking lot making frantic phone calls were wondering why so many people were looking down on them from the offices, drinking their coffees & sodas. Ha! :)

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    CADude Reply:

    Thanks, Melissa!!

    Headline on LATimes.com: “5.8 earthquake flusters New York, Washington”. “Flusters”. Perfect.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Yes, We are you Pussies

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Did the earthquake knock out some punctuation or is this some sort of philosophical nihilistic boolshit of some sort?

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Apparently the earthquake has me repeating “some” entirely too much.

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    chill Reply:

    Nihilist? They believe in NOTHING? Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, but at least it’s an ethos!
    .

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Fuck it Dude; let’s go bowling.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Yep, California is chuckling into their Grape Nuts:

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44253736/ns/us_news-life/#.TlT2DaicSos

    Perhaps one of our left coast surf reporters would like to chime in on Mockable about the whole thing.

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  22. I can’t do naps. I feel worse when I wake up….no matter how tired I am. I feel “flu-like” symptoms with absolutely no energy. Very lethargic. Weird.

    ….” and Nancy had to take him “fresh” underwear and a tube of ointment…..” Ointment? Is he swiping ointment on his bunghole? The fuck..??

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    Root 66 Reply:

    Maybe he saw that video on how to properly use the bathroom!

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Yeah – let’s back up a moment here – Ointment? What kind? Raging ‘roids or does he have “sensitive skin” and needed some desitin for ass rash? Do tell, Jeff.

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    m Reply:

    Thank you for pointing out the thing that caught my attention in this post. Shit himself? Required ointment? OINTMENT? How weird is a person when the most normal part of an incident involving them is “shit himself.”?

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  23. Some wacko nut job claimed they felt the quake right here in Gainesville, FL on the CNN blog….what a load of crap! It was almost certainly THUNDER. The freaks sure do come out and show their asses in pursuit of 15 seconds of fame, don’t they?

    At any rate, at 8 1/2 months pregnant I’d LOVE to get in a good nap…if only I could 1) get comfortable for more than 5 minutes or 2) go more than 10 without having to go potty. I read that both are really just my body’s way to prep for the new bundle of chaos. I find that a little depressing. I’m going to go hit myself in the head with something – perhaps your classic heavy blunt object – in hopes of 30+ minutes of unconsciousness…wish me luck!

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    m Reply:

    I hated that about pregnancy. I’d finally get the bulk arranged in a semi-comfortable position and then the bladder alarm would go off. I threatened several times to get a catheter.

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  24. A man who doesn’t like to nap?!? Why in the world do you think they call them “LA-Z-BOYS?” Those things were made for napping! I’m afraid I’ve got to lean towards the Nostrils camp on this one!
    I will agree, however, that climbing into bed for an hours-long nap is a little over the top. But who couldn’t use a 15-minute “power nap” every now and again?
    Personally, I hate afternoons. I’m a morning person.

    On an unrelated note, I DID feel the quake here in Ohio’s capital. It felt like bobbing in the water. Creepy indeed…especially here on the 13th floor!

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    lori in cbus Reply:

    I didnt get to feel anything at Easton.. but a coworker said his car shook in the parking lot while he was eating his lunch in it..

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  25. I hold the same general view that Jeff does when it comes to naps. Very pussified if you ask me. However, I recently indulged as well.

    Our bed is super comfortable. I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with the way that Germans do their beds, but it took some getting used to for me. They don’t have a top sheet. They have a down comforter type deal that serves as the cover and top sheet. But it’s real damn comfortable.

    To make a short story even more fucking long, I came in last Sunday after lunch and decided to strip down to my underwear and lay in my comfortable ass bed and watch some television. I drifted off to sleep at about 1:00. When I woke up I was in a panic because I thought it was 8:30 on Monday morning. Turns out it was 8:30 Sunday night. I had slept more than 7 hours. Then I went back to bed at 10:30 and slept until the next morning. I don’t know what was going on, but I felt great when I woke up.

    Every now and then I’ve decided that I may lay down with a heating pad on my vagina and sleep during the middle of the day – but only on Sundays or something like that. I won’t lay in the bathroom floor at work or anything like that. I’m not a pussy for chrissake.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    I’m not German but I do the same thing with just the comforter…but covering only my midsection.

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  26. You can be even more productive if you are not too tired!! Naps are great and I try to take one every 2-3 days.

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  27. Naps are wonderful things! It has never occurred to me to judge someone’s masculinity on their need for nappage. I prefer mine unclothed, temperature controlled and in bed with a book. I think that napping in a chair or sofa is fine as long as it is in your bedroom or out of the way. I personally find napping in public or in the middle of a family room to be very rude. Unless you live alone of course:0)

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  28. Oh good christ! Some simletons who have to defend their vague job titles either came around or sent emails saying if we’re “upset” about the earthquake, we could go home.

    Are you fucking kidding me? How friggin’ soft have we become “Oh waah waaaaah, I’m so upset, the floor shook for 38 seconds.” Some people didn’t feel it at all and yet they’r the first ones out the door. I would love to see some of these fruity asses in a real crisis.

    “Upset”. Good God grow a set, people.

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    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    I’m very upset by the event. I’m all the way in Alabama, but it had a huge emotional toll. I’m going to take several days off. Maybe get some counseling. My vagina has been bothering me all day.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    If schools were in session, they’d be over run with grief counselors and therapists and support groups.

    In your case, perhaps, a Cuntselor.

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    m Reply:

    I am also in Alabama, and truly traumatized by the event. I wonder if I could get a day off tomorrow? I didn’t feel it or anything, but I thought about it. Does that count?

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    Greg Reply:

    You’ve got 4 days off, and a grief counselor is on the way.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    We’re about an hour north of Toronto…the 5th floor of city hall was swaying a few inches off center. There’s no freakin organization when this happens. Health and safety says “nah don’t evacuate”. Facilities says “yeah, evacuate”…

    If you;re not used to it it’s a little unnerving. I need a nap.

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  29. You couldn’t have put it better, Madz. That’s hilarious.

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  30. If you need the sleep and you CAN find the time to sleep in the afternoon, then do it. Stop apologizing.

    My problem is that afternoon or early evening naps almost always make me semi-disoriented and usually don’t solve “the tired”. And they might, in fact, fuck up my ability to get to sleep later that night.

    Only earthquake damage I observed here was when my Einstein figurine (McDonald’s Happy Meal toy from “Night at the Museum – 2″) came crashing down. Of course, I haven’t been home yet to see if our golden retriever redecorated the house with chocolate mousse (if you know what I mean).

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  31. Talk about pussies:

    <>

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    Jeff, you website doesn’t like quotes between carats (carots, carrots, karats???)

    “Federal government is operating on an early dismissal, employees should check OPM.gov for further updates.

    Calvert County officials say they have closed county offices because of the earthquake.

    Virginia polls will remain open until 7 p.m.

    The Nationals game will continue as planned.

    Congressional buildings have been evacuated, according to Capitol Police.

    However, the Senate held an unusual session away from the Capitol after Tuesday’s earthquake led to the evacuation of the building.

    The National Park Service says all memorials and monuments on the National Mall have been evacuated and closed.

    All of the Smithsonian Institution museums on the National Mall have been closed.

    All D.C. public libraries have been closed.

    The National Zoo has been closed. “

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    madz1962 Reply:

    I can (almost) understand Virginia being a little freaked out about the ‘quake but good Christ, enough already.

    Hey, fuckolas, remember Haiti? THAT’S a goddamn earthquake!

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    They’ll got to DefCon4 if they can’t get their iced coffee around here.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    “Fuckolas”…….Yet another new vocabulary word to add to my ever-growing list from my mentor’s here at the Surf!

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    doctorright Reply:

    WOW we’re almost local!

    pussies

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  32. “I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead.” – Wade Garrett

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    CADude Reply:

    I’m drinking heartbreak motor oil and Bombay gin
    I’ll sleep when I’m dead
    Straight from the bottle, twisted again
    I’ll sleep when I’m dead

    –Warren Zevon

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Sing it, Sister.

    Damn, I really miss the guy.

    jtb

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  33. OMG. I haven’t heard the name Harold Hecuba in decades!!! Gilligan’s Island after school and a snack. Good times.

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    That’s why we didn’t take naps when we were younger: Mary Anne’s bare and deeply-tanned midriff kept us fully alert!

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    Ed Reply:

    I hated Harold Hecuba! They created the only opera that I ever liked and he ruined it.

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  34. The earthquake tremors hit Raleigh Adjacent, too. I work near the airport and assumed it was a large, really low flying plane. They tend to shake our building in a similar fashion.

    I live closer to Fayette-Nam, and they felt the tremors, too.

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  35. Felt me some earth-a-quaking up here in the Northern Mid Ohio region, but thought that I was just seeing/feeling weird things until I caught a twitter post from a friend that assured me I was not insane.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Bear…

    Yeah, I have my friends send me those messages from time to time as well. It’s nice to have that extra assurance.

    jtb

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    Big Bear in OH Reply:

    I agree, it’s not just nice, some days it’s downright necessary.

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  36. I usually don’t have the opportunity to nap, but I’ll grab it when I do. That normally only happens on weekends.

    I felt the earthquake while I was at work (near Dulles Airport in NoVa). I had just walked into the warehouse when the floor started moving up and down. Some stuff rattled, etc. It lasted between five and 10 seconds. The devastation at my house consisted of a few books that fell on the floor. I’m sure the livestock were freaked out, but they had calmed down by the time I got home several hours after the fact.
    .

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  37. I took a nap today. Got up, had breakfast, went to starbucks, went to court, had 2 cheese coneys, rubbed one out, took a nap, got free movie tix, drank a redbull at the bar, now getting ready for dinner.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    That’s what I was thinking…full belly…drain my balls and I’ll sleep like a wino on a belly full of cough syrup.

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  38. I love a nap. I’d take one every day if I could. One of my favorite parts of traveling with my soon-to-be three year old is napping with her, since she can’t be left unattended on a ship or in a hotel.

    Naps rock.

    Earthquake shook open the freezer door in the garage. Ice cream stash may be lost! The humanity.

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  39. Einstein took naps. That is always my excuse.

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  40. There’s not a DAMN thing wrong with a nap if you need it – it keeps one’s mind from degenerating into a ragged husk. Nothin’ ball-baby about it.

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  41. Love naps. It’s one of life’s great luxuries that everyone can afford.

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  42. All of this talk about napping is making me sleepy…(yawn)…

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  43. Ideal napping – outside…just above 70…little humidity…gentle breeze…preferably in the passing lane…

    If I happen to be in the bedroom and feel a nap coming on, I’ll strip down and get in bed.

    Otherwise, what everyone else said.

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  44. 15 min power nap at lunch everyday
    2 hour nap on Sunday’s after church and feeding.
    Took more naps with the my secret when he was younger.

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  45. Late again to the party.

    Was in OC MD- felt the earthquake assumed I was dying.
    Didn’t, and that’s great. 11 seconds of the greatest thrill of my life- course I’ve had 10 second thrills, but I guess that’s all my fault…

    I nap when I want. Don’t give much of a fuck. I’ll involve stuffed animals if I feel like it. Haven’t met many who could talk me out of it.

    Beer again, off tommorrow. STILL took a nap today.
    Right after the quake HAhahahahaha

    (lovin it)

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    doctorright Reply:

    Of course, I just pissed my pink frilly panties awaiting the aftershocks.

    I’m that fucking tough.

    nappy

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  46. Man, after reading all these nap stories I’m feeling like Sleepy John Estes. How about a little Mailman Blues?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-Kwg7RF0c&feature=related

    jtb

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  47. Oddly enough, I chose Saturday to take my first nap in three years. Two hours of 74 (AC induced) degree comfort. It was awesome. I cannot wait until 2014, when I will have time to take another one.

    I know it’s off topic, but…..Has anyone noticed the new Honey Bunches of Oats cereal commercial using the song by Andrea True, 70s pornstar (More, More, More) as it’s background music? Maybe the ad guys thought no one would remember that?

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    She obviously made “Connections” back in the day.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    Yeah! I thought that was a pretty weird choice for a cereal ad. But now I get horney for Honey Bunches Of Oats, so I guess it worked on me.

    [Reply]

    Walter Reply:

    35 years after the fact, most people don’t even remember who sang the song, let alone her background. That song has been used in so many commercials over the years, I wonder if people think of it as just a commerical jingle rather than a song.

    [Reply]

  48. Sometimes you don’t have a choice. The chair is too fluffy, the room is too warm, the pre-consumed “substances” are too delectable. That’s not a nap, that’s an involuntary condition, like a head cold.

    Speaking of Eninem, what happened to the crazed multiple house real estate scheme? Update desired!

    [Reply]

  49. I just want to say something on the record here. Some lady with the most terrifying eyebrows I’ve ever seen just walked out of the office. Most women pluck them out and pencil them in, or at least thin them out. This lady was like Andy Fucking Rooney. I started imagining her with well kept eyebrows and I had a dry orgasm. Just wanted to put that in writing. Thanks.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    “Dry” orgasm? Is that the same as spittin’ dust? Shootin’ blanks? Sperm confetti?

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    “Look at old worn out souvenir tryin’ to shoot his dust on the Sun.”

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    I don’t know for sure. I’ve heard the comment before and wanted to use it in a sentence. It may have something to do with shitting one’s pants.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    It wouldn’t be “dry” if you shat yourself. Unless it was a dried out Play-Doh kind of shit.

    Play-Doh that’s been left out its cannister for a few weeks.

    Like the hardend on stuff that fucked up your Pumper Number Nine toy.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    You could replace your Pumper Number Nine: http://compare.ebay.com/like/300591089362?var=lv&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    OK, I just had to do it. I googled “dry orgasm” and found the following thread at the Penis Forum: http://www.pegym.com/forums/premature-ejaculation-forum/16823-how-dry-orgasm.html

    Who knew?

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    “Master edging then move on to ballooning.”

    WTF??!!

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    UGH….Now that thread is down right FUBAR. “Going to practice and report progress”?!!?!?!!? Blecch.

    [Reply]

    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    Here’s a step by step for DIYers. Notice this guy calls it “a very spiritual experience” at the end. Hehe. Fucking weirdos. And I noticed that there’s a couple of seasons veterans, “Pegasus and Pirate” at that site who are treated like superstars, if you will. These two fucks know their balloning and edging. There’s also other articles on there that discuss “anal breathing”. Some of these guys have been “anal breathing” for 30 plus years. God.

    1: Get an erection. Your goign to be at it a while so privacy and no destractions are the best conditions to start an edging routine.

    2: If you are a two second man ejacualate first, wait for the return then proceed to edge. (masturbate)

    3: Use a good lube, KY jelly is too drying use a good hand lotion.

    4: Stroke the base of your erect penis slowly move up toward the frenulim. The frenulim is the trigger this is what makes you cum too soon, avoid the frenulim unless you feel it is time to cum. Remember edging teaches you to be in control not your biological sensations.

    5: If you feel the urge start to move back down to the base again. Keep the strokes slow at first don’t stroke fast until you have mastered edging.

    6: When you feel like you are about to cum(PONR) stop edging until the sensation leaves then resume edging (Masturbating)
    PONR means point of no return. At this time you can play with your nuts. Explore for the “G” spots you did not realize you had in this area untill the sensation to ejaculate subsides.

    You will learn when your shaft is loading up with cum to ejaculate. When you feel it in the base you can stop jerking off at this point instead of waiting for it to travle higher up the shaft.

    After a few months of doing this those stopages will become dry orgasms. (ejaculating without cumming) This is a very spiritual expierence.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    Anal breathing = farting.

    Oh, and Hallelujiah, T Farty!

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Christ on a tricycle. With three flat tires.
    .

    [Reply]

  50. No nap today.
    I did wake up at 8, rub one out, then sleep until 9:20. That might count for something.
    Only time that is a really bad thing is if you sleep naked and the cat knows better than to get too close.

    [Reply]

  51. Apparently the animal kingdom had some interesting reactions to yesterday’s earthquake.

    http://nationalzoo.si.edu/SCBI/AnimalCare/News/earthquake.cfm?hpout=zn&xtr

    Things I learned:
    (a) Those howler monkeys need to step it up.
    (b) The giant elephant-shrew probably requires some ointment.
    (c) “Belch-vocalizing” is not exclusive to the human species.

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    “Belch-vocalizing” = “dry orgasm”
    I think.

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Oh, and (d) Giant pandas are probably too laid back for their own good.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    In defense of the howler monkeys,I think they need a few seconds to load up on air before they let loose with their howls. If you’ve ever been awakened by one at 5 a.m. in the jungle, you’d suspect the same thing. Damned things are LOUD.

    I think you’re right about the giant elephant-shrews. Pussies, every one of ‘em.

    And pandas? Stoners. No doubt about it.

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    So I guess the Howlers spent the entire earthquake sucking wind. I’ll defer to you since I’ve only ever been in the concrete jungle. What brought you there anyway?

    Here’s the Giant Pussy Shrew, for anyone who was curious:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-512643/Shrews–Giant-elephant-shrew-discovered-Tanzanian-mountains.html

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Those Howlers infest OC, and are particularly loud during the full moon and just after the anniversary of Nixon’s resignation.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Now that I’ve seen a picture of a shrew, I’m less than impressed that Shakespeare tamed one.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    The caption for the lower picture in the shrew article could have appeared in the earlier penile discussion: “Dr Galen Rathbun and a colleague stroke the new discovery.”

    Gretchen: I’ve encountered howler monkeys (as well as squirrel, capuchan, and spider monkeys) during several “get away from it all” visits to Costa Rica (10-day trips in ’07, ’08, and ’09). In my experience, the concrete jungle presents a much more challenging environment, as its demands seem never-ending. In contrast, after hikes in the Central American jungle, there’s always been an ecolodge (Lapa Rios, Rancho Pacifico) or casita (in Playa Langosta, Cahuita, Manzanillo) for rejuvenation (read: cocktails, dinner, and a good bed).

    jtb: for the record, I was in New England on Summer break from college on August 9, 1974, and howled in delight. I hated everything about Nixon, although for selfish reasons I voted for him in November ’72 (a low draft number, 1A status, college deferments had ended, and I hoped/believed that Nixon would stop calling draftees before McGovern could take office and do the same. Nixon did (I believe it was January 23 that he announced that no more would be drafted), so I was only on the “hot seat” for about 3 weeks in January.) I’ve always excused myself for that vote.

    The only howlers that I’ve heard lately here in the OC were when Governor Moonbeam was elected again. I thinks some consideration is now being given to merging OC and SD counties into the new state of “Reagan”. Howl at that, my friend.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Like there aren’t enough things named after Reagan already? My understanding is that some group had made it their life’s work to get things named after him, long before he was dead – which resulted in the carrier, the airport, the building, etc.
    .

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Dude…

    1) Glad you survived Vietnam, no matter how. It wasn’t a kind war.

    2) You guys are missing a bet if you don’t name the merger of OC and SDC after Nixon’s Southern Strategy. Nothing at all wrong with naming those places niggerama.

    love as always…
    jtb

    [Reply]

  52. Napping kicks ass, it’s tweeting that’s ball baby bitch GAY!

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Next time you’re napping I’ll tweet you upside your head but good boy.

    Ain’t nuttin’ wrong with tweeting! Exhibit A:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4VCUbL7jsc

    [Reply]

    Wisey in Ttown Reply:

    I know but saying it gets under Jeff’s skin so I throw it in there every once in awhile for fun.

    [Reply]

  53. Sperm confetti?

    jtb

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    Probably coming out of a Pumper Number Nine.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    I thought Pumper Nine put out more.
    Of course, I’ve made that mistake in judgement
    Several times before.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    Yep, sperm confetti. A party in your pants.

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    A party in your pants but you’re the only one that shows up.

    [Reply]

  54. i have to slap a damn cpap mask on if i want to sleep so i try not to take naps.. im gonna be fucking lonely because i sound like Darth Vaders’ sister at night.. but the upside is I feel great and get good sleep.. my sleep doc just lowered my pressure so its improving..

    i can’t believe i just told you guys this.. oh well, joke ya if ya can’t take a fuck.. or something like that

    [Reply]

    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    Lori, we don’t care if you wear the pap smear mask, or whatever it’s called, we still love you.

    What I wanna know is why Jeff Kay won’t answer my instant chat messages on the goddamn facebook? I have rights! The right to be heard! The right to be loaded on pain pills and drunk at the same time. (Pointing at my own chest) I pay my taxes! I PAY MY TAXES, motherfuckers!!

    [Reply]

    lori in cbus Reply:

    You crack me up Farty McFartypants or whatever

    [Reply]

    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    I know my rights assrabbits!!!! (passing out)

    [Reply]

  55. Steve Jobs going to be Chairman of the Board? Does Frank know about this?

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    Steve Jobs can’t croak out “My Way” so, no, he better not become Chairman of the Board.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    I thought they sang “Give Me Just A Little More Time”?

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    That would be ChairmEn. Although I can see how you would get them confused. :)

    [Reply]

  56. Hey guys.
    I know this is a humor site- and a great one- and one of the few I care about. At all.
    But I also care about baseball, and I’m probably the only Orioles fan here. Or not, I don’t know.
    But the O’s have lost Mike Flanagan.
    A funny guy, a true Oriole, and even though I didn’t know him. I’m really sad.

    Back to your regularly scheduled programming!

    [Reply]

    AngryWhiteGuy Reply:

    I know, right? I was a little put off by that when I heard it on SC this morning. Childhood sports figures dying always weird me out. I’ll be devastated when Tom Seaver kicks the bucket.

    [Reply]

    AngryWhiteGuy Reply:

    Or Jerry West, who I thought was my real Dad for many years, cause Mom fucked him too.

    [Reply]

  57. Gee, after getting up yesterday at 3AM, getting home at 9:30AM…sleeping til 11AM…staying up all day and night and then being here at work at 7AM after having an Endosopy on my throat. the day before..Heck, I would LOVE a nap!!!!!! (although the Demerol was a great, short term reprieve!)
    P.S. thanx for the thoughts and prayers, fellow Surf Reporters! Looks good for me…unfortunately the wife won’t be cashing in on the the insurance policy for quite a while, lol!

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    Clint, you’re fucking crazy if you have a life insurance policy. I don’t. I’m not going to have some motherfucker spend my money with my wife after I’m dead. My plan is, if I start feeling sick I’m just gonna shoot her ass.

    Good to hear you’re doing well.

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    If you shoot her ass will she have 2 buttholes?

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    I think the correct term is “anii”.
    Maybe not.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Clint…

    Glad you came through OK and will continue to keep the Northern Lights shining. Be well and take it easy for a while…

    jtb

    [Reply]

  58. http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/033011/the-popes-favorite-book.gif

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    An industrious surf reporter could photoshop your face (from the pic in your link) onto that drawing, and we’d have…well, I’m not sure what we’d have, but it sure as hell would be funny.

    [Reply]

  59. For JTB:

    Kinky Friedman endorses Rick Perry:

    “So would I support Rick Perry for president? Hell, yes! As the last nail that hasn’t been hammered down in this country, I agree with Rick that there are already too damn many laws, taxes, regulations, panels, committees, and bureaucrats. While Obama is busy putting the hyphen between ‘anal’ and ‘retentive’ Rick will be rolling up his sleeves and getting to work.”

    “These days, of course, I would support Charlie Sheen over Obama. Obama has done for the economy what pantyhose did for foreplay.”

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/08/24/kinky-friedman-rick-perry-s-got-my-vote.html

    [Reply]

  60. Doing some anal breathing. Had some dry orgasms. Gave myself a peanut butter enema and saw a vision of the Dali lama whacking his carrot. That is all.

    [Reply]

  61. Danica had all the equipment, money and support she needed to be successful on the open wheel circuit. She wasn’t quite good enough or lucky enough. I suppose she’ll do better with the pussified NASCAR where you can make a shitload of money even if you can’t win.

    .
    I’m continuing to breathe in the usual way and have decided that I can live just fine without further information on dry or confetti orgasms. But to each, his or her own.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I still don’t understand the media love for Danica and Dale Jr. Neither one has been a winner.

    As for breathing a former girlfriend who is a nurse told me I had chains and rails when I breathe so I have that going for me if I need to travel in inclement weather.

    Confetti orgasms would be fun during holiday celebrations.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    “….Confetti orgasms would be fun during holiday celebrations.” Gives new meaning to a ticker tape parade.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Chuck…

    And Danica has a couple of things going for her that Jr. lacks, but they don’t seem to get her to that first turn ahead of the crowd.

    As for my breathing, a female nighttime visitor once told me that while sleeping I sound like Mt. St. Helens erupting periodically. I don’t think she was congratulating me. Actually, the chains and rails sound better, in case you have to fight your way through.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    When I lay down at night I sound like a barn full of owls. Damn you, RJ Reynolds!

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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