During the past week I’ve attended two semi-formal dinners, where I was forced to wear fancy-pants and stand around making chitchat with a cocktail in my hand. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I’d make the world’s worst politician… I hate schmoozing, am terrified of public speaking, and tend to roll my eyes a lot, in exasperation. Hey, maybe if I ran on the Misanthropic Shut-in ticket?
The first event was at a restaurant in Wilkes-Barre, where the menu was enormous but only had about eight items listed on it. I went with the New York Strip steak, which cost “38.” There was no dollar sign, or .99 after the price. You know, because it’s sophisticated. My meal was brought out on a giant square plate, by a rather severe gentleman with a cloth napkin over his forearm.
On Saturday evening Toney and I were at a country club, where she chatted-up the room and I just stood there with a charley-horse smile on my face. When I got home I considered putting a heating pad on my jaw, because of all the fake smiling. But I just had a Yuengling instead.
I don’t do well in situations where I have to imitate a mature adult. Ya know? I don’t have a problem amongst my own (in a beer bar with guys who love the Hollywood Knights), but when I have to play the part of regular suburban dad… I struggle.
Also, when I walked past a wall of mirrors on Saturday evening I caught a glimpse of myself in my Sunday go-to-meetin’ clothes, and audibly gasped. “I look like goddamn Ted Kennedy!” I hollered. “Ted Kennedy without the money and the power – and that’s no good!!”
And as I shouted the second part of my outburst, an unknown woman came around the corner, and Toney was buckled over in laughter.
Earlier the same day we, along with both boys, were driving through the parking lot of Wegmans, and I had a mini-meltdown. People were stopping their cars in front of the store, apparently confused and not knowing how to proceed. I was screaming, and waving my hands around.
While I ranted a guy walked between my car, and the one in front of me. And he turned toward us as he walked, and it was… our very own Joe T! A Surf Report regular, catching me in mid-freak-out.
I haven’t spoken with him – I didn’t see him inside the store – so I don’t know if he noticed me losing my mind, and yelling, “Get out of the way, you bag o’ whores! Have you never been outside your house before?? Do you not know how a parking lot works?!” Maybe he can give his side of the story in the comments, if he sees this.
And, only a half-hour later, inside the front door of Sam’s Club, someone laid-down a monster fart that covered an incredible amount of square footage. People were coughing, and pounding their chests, and hunkering down as if under fire. It was amazing. I could still smell this gigantic assplosion all the way to the farthest TV aisle. And to quote Scott, my old Atlanta office-mate, “Somebody needs to see a physician!”
Why would a person do something like that? Just throw open their anus in a crowded store on a Saturday afternoon? It’s mind-boggling to me. Somebody should’ve called Homeland Security.
I have a hard time dealing with the general public, I really do. My tolerance level used to be around a 5 (admittedly, it’s never been very high), but now it’s down to a 2 or 3. If I was forced to work retail for one day, I’d surely be arrested.
Plus, I look like the Liberty Bell in a golf shirt. …I hope I can count on your vote in November?
Before we get to the predictable Question of the Day, I’d like to alert you guys to a few quick things:
On Friday I added another Ads vs. Reality photo: the Burger King BK Big Fish sandwich. Unfortunately it doesn’t look too bad, but you can see it here.
Also, I expended a little extra effort on two recent updates, and want to link to them one last time before they disappear into the archives: my story about having to get glasses when I was in fourth grade, and the latest Explanations for Aliens report, about going to the gym. If you haven’t read those yet, I’d be honored if you could click over and give ’em a shot.
And finally, Jason Headley (who wrote this masterpiece) is creating a series of video shorts I think you guys will enjoy. The series is called At the Bar, and features Jason himself, and an actor friend named Scott McCabe. They’ve done three so far, and you can watch them here. Don’t skip this one, folks! They’re really funny, and well-done.
Now, for the Question… I’d like to know that I’m not alone in my simmering rage all weekend. So, in the comments section below, please tell us what’s ticked you off during the past few days. What’s the fresh outrage in your life? We need to know.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
Have a great day!