The West Virginia Surf Report!

What Are Your Plans for this Perfect Weekend?

By

As far as I know, there are only three things that might cause a lawnmower not to start:  spark plug, air filter, bad gas.  Am I missing anything?  ‘Cause I’ve officially reached the running my hands through my hair phase of this ordeal.  Grrr…  Why must everything be so difficult?  Every single thing?

Our yard now looks like Malcolm in the Middle, and I can’t do anything about it.  It’s simply fantastic.

There’s a lawnmower fix-it shop in town, but the guy who runs it is a disagreeable fuck.  Every conversation I’ve had with him left me infuriated.  Plus, his turnaround time is roughly a month.  What am I supposed to do in the meantime?  I don’t have a fleet o’ mowers in my garage.

Man, I miss Jesus and his team of guerilla groundskeepers in California.  They’d converge on our property, a whole team of guys, and have it whipped into shape in roughly seven minutes.  And his price?  Ten dollars per week.  That was the greatest thing ever.  I’m a big fan of the guerilla groundskeepers.

Any idea what might be wrong with my mower?  It’s worked all spring, until last weekend.  Now it won’t start, and it’s making me crazy.

Remember the Smithereens?  Yeah, I was always a fan, and their new record is shockingly great.  It’s their first album of original music since 1999, and it’s one of their best.  It’s been on perma-repeat in the bunker for a week.  I can’t get enough of it.  Good, good stuff.

I like when a band from back in the day comes up with one of their best albums ever, at an improbable late date.  Like this one, for instance, or this one.

Can you think of others that might fall into that category?  Tell us about it in the comments.

That picture at the top of the update is compliments of Will, the keeper of the Blanket.  He wanted to show me that Crossroads Road is now rubbing shoulders with Kafka.  Pretty cool, huh?

If you’d like a signed copy of my crazy-ass novel, here’s the PayPal link again:
.


I’m almost out of books, and this will probably be the last time I mention this for a while.  So, if you want one, today’s the day.

And you know those vent lines, set up by radio stations, TV channels, and newspapers, where assholes can call and complain about something?  Well, check out this impassioned rant.  At least I think it’s impassioned…  I’m not really sure.

That little gem is from a Morgantown radio station, and comes to us via the vast network of liars and backstabbers.

Several Surf Reporters sent me a link to this story, and for good reason.  Exercise ball sex fetishist?  What a golden legacy the man will leave behind…  His time here on Earth will have meant something.

How does that happen…?  Seriously.  Exercise balls??

I need to cut this one a little short, boys and girls.  I’ve got “problems” weighing heavily on my mind.  Starting with that non-starting mower.

I don’t really have a Question.  You can comment on the stuff above, or just tell us about your weekend plans.  The weather up here is incredible, pretty damn close to perfect, in fact.  Do you have anything planned for this perfect weekend?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

And I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday.

Have a great day.

Now playing in the bunker
Read Crossroads Road on your Kindle!

Comments

  3. On second thought, if your mower has one of those safety brakes/clutch that you have to engage to start and run it, that could be the problem. I had one crap out on my Toro once.

  4. Unfortunately, the perfect weekend weather you are expecting was Tuesday and Wednesday in these parts. Good chance of more rain here in the midwest bratwurst belt.

    Lawnmowers suck. Sounds like you checked the basics. That’s about all I know, air, fuel and spark equal ignition. I would guess it’s the spark plug if it ran one week and won’t start the next.

    • About two years ago I found that the carburetor on my weed wacker quit due to extensive corrosion. I’m told that the ethanol in the NJ gasohol blend is not friendly to aluminum. Now I make sure that all my small engines are stored without fuel.

  6. Blocked fuel filter?

    I have a self propelled Toro that’s been used for about 10 hours that I need to sell (hint). I said fuckit and now a squad of industrial mowers do what took me 2 hours in less than fifteen minutes.

    • Substitute “your balls” for “the shelf” and…well, if i had a nickle for every time I’ve heard that….

  8. We have spent at least one day in my three-day weekends working on our house. Tearing down drywall, adding new drywall, stucco, painting, electrical, plumbing. You name it, we have done it. And I am TIRED of it all.
    I have a fantastic father in law who comes over one of the days on the weekend & he has been fixing up our ginormous front yard. He stands (or sits) out there for hours on end, shoveling up dead grass & weeds, leveling out the soil, preparing areas for a new driveway & a walkway, planting transplants he brings from his garden, etc, etc. All we do for payment is provide lunch & he gets to check up with his son, which I think he enjoys the best.
    This weekend, however, I am asking that he take a break and we take a break. My goal is to play many hours of video games, eat lots of food, junk or otherwise & drink myself into a stupor every day/night. If we have to do any chores they will only consist of laundry, feeding the dogs & maybe some grocery shopping (which will include buying the alcohol to keep me in said stupor).
    I’ll let ya know Monday if my plans worked out…

    • I helped assist my weekend along (it starts now) by going to the grocery store tonight, buying more booze than food & coming home, putting on my fat pants & loading up World of Warcraft. So far, so good!

  9. “BALL SLASHER”!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    That was too damn funny!
    -AND-
    I got my autographed copy of Crossroads Road!!
    What a great day!

  11. Looks like my weekend will consist of laying around nibbling saltines and sipping ginger ale due to the persistent stomach bug from hell. Anybody know where I can get a cholera cot?

    • Hooray! Now you can be all sweaty and smell like gas fumes…Gosh, I HATE summer!

      • I thought I was the only person on the planet who disliked summer. Root, we must be twins.

        • Summer BLOWS. Heat and humidity suck the life out of me. Give me late spring or fall anytime.

        • …separated at birth…and four years!

          Fall’s my favorite season, because summer is good for only one thing–air conditioning!

          • Fall is MY favorite season, too!

            P.S. – I also can’t STAND air conditioning. I’m grateful to have my ass cooled off but I can’t stand the A/C running 24/7.

            • Summer hater here too. Only because of the heat and humidity. Nothing like feeling sweatballs running down betwix my boobs and down my back headed for the ol’crackola. I also sweat like a ho when I’m trying to blow dry my hair. It never dries BECAUSE I’m sweating. Yep…give me spring/fall any day.

              • When I was still breastfeeding (and therefore had boobs like the udders of a prize-winning heifer) I would put antiperspirant under my boobs. I hate being hot and sweaty, and I’m definitely a summer hater. I don’t like heat, humidity, and don’t even get me started on the sound of cicadas. Obviously they are the Muzak played in the darkest pits of hell. Maybe if I lived in some cool climate where any time without snow is a blessing, but I live in the Deep South, so summer sucks.

              • Total Summer hater here also! Here is Alaska the sun is out 20-some hours a day, and we have to put aluminum foil over the bedroom windows to make it dard enough to sleep. Plus, even though it rarely gets to 70 degrees where I’m at, my house is so well insulated from the cold, that the constant Summer sun beating down warms it into an inferno. Summer sux!

            • I gotta have my A/C because I just can’t stand the humidity. I keep my car about the same temperature as a tomb.
              I’m too well “insulated” with a layer of blubber to enjoy hot weather! I’m breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it. I think I need a big ol’ bowl of ice cream to recover.

          • I got in a forum argument with a local asswipe last Summer. It was 96 degrees and 70% humidity and the idiot was saying it wasn’t hot and AC was making us a nation of pussies. He was probably posting from his mom’s air conditioned basement. I no longer enjoy Summer.

            Forecast is for rain for another solid week. I’m gonna be covered in fuckin moss.

            • He was probably some old coot who gets a chill when it slips below 87 degrees. Typing away in a sweat shirt and gloves with the fingertips cut off.

        • Summer is the season of bugs, yardwork and sweating balls. Tourists, too, here in DC. What’s not to like?
          .

      • I liked summer fine before I moved to Sacramento. I grew up on the Oregon coast, and this 90s and 100s and 110s nonsense sucks. Summer would be fine with me if I lived in an area that doesn’t get so (bleep) hot.

        As for my weekend plans, today (once DH is up) is vegetate with videos day, since we have some Netflix we need to get watched. Tomorrow’s kind of up in the air (hopefully we even make it to church for once).

    • I put in Artificial Grass [do NOT call it astro turf!] and gave away the mower, trimmer and edger to Jesus, one of the guys who installed it.

      Coincidence?

  13. Lawnmower: You’ve covered the simple stuff, so just save yourself the time and aggravation and have a pro fix it. Most rent-all places will fix small engines like lawnmowers, try one of those.

    You can also mow your lawn with Round-up. It’s a bit more expensive than a regular cut, but lasts longer.

    Weekend plans are to finish off the basement renovations I started in November. I’m in the home stretch and hope to have the last few jobs done (build three drawers for built-in cabinets, install said cabinets, install about 30′ of baseboard, and do the finish wiring) tand be playing Portal 2 by Sunday at 9pm.

  14. We may get rain showers this weekend. If we can sneak away, I wanted to go see this exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, but I first have to find out what the fuck is wrong with my car. The check engine light came on and the mechanic said it was something to do with the vacuum seal/fuel thing (yeah, that’s my auto mechanic lingo – referring to shit as “thingys’ and “whatchamacallits”. So he reset it and ran it through diagnostics and soemthing still comes up causing me to fail my Inspection. I have to dop the car off tonight and he’s going to drive it. Drive it. Motherflockin’ gas at $4.29 a gallon and he’s out joyriding in MY car.

    But i digress. Here’s the link to the art exhibit “Guitar Heroes”

    http://blog.metmuseum.org/guitarheroes/objects/

    • Is it a GM car? My mechanic said they are notorious for having a bad seal on the gas cap–my light is also always on but I passed the inspection after he turned it off.

      • It’s a KIA which, in military terms, means Killed In Action.

        I may ram the fucker into a train trestle and be done with it.

        As soon as I get the Inspection sticker, I’m putting a For Sale sign on it.

        • Tape a quarter to it and drive it into the river…that way you can say you lost something!

        • Madz: I have a KIA too. Sorento. Last year the tranny shit the bed TWICE in a month. The second time it was just replaced the week before. OOPS! Thank god it was still under warrenty. Fucking downtown Pittsburgh, rush hour. I was fucking HOT.

  15. Probably the tires. If it had Blizzaks, it would start right up every time!

  16. Oh and in case I didn’t get everyone yesterday, thank you all for the Birthday Wishes. You people are glorious!

  17. Drain the old gasoline and refill with fresh gas. Carb cleaner might help too.

    Not much planned this weekend, but next weekend my band is playing in lovely Buffalo, NY. Hopefully this road trip goes smoothly and doesn’t end in any arrests.

    • “Off you’re gonna shuffle… Shuffle off to Buffalo”

      (sorry, couldn’t resist).

  18. We’re going on a little date tomorrow night. Maybe eye-talian, I bet their prices are still really low because of Atkin’s.

    Saturday is for yard work and such. And we’re going to eat at the usual Mexican place for lunch.

    Sunday is doing nothing.

    I bought a riding mower a few years ago, giddy that I’d pay it off in about a year if I saved the money I was giving to the yard guys. Big mistake. I’m looking for a new yard crew now. And I’m selling my riding mower to my idiot neighbor, Dan. He blew a hole in the side of his push mower. I guess he didn’t have any oil in it?

    • If it’s like around here all the Mexicans are restaurateurs and the hillbillies take care of the yard work.

    • There are Mexicans a-plenty here in OC. I enjoy writing a monthly check in the mid-2-digits for the mow ‘n’ go crew. And they do it while I’m at work, so I don’t even have to hear it.

      I just wish they did pools. How can a hole full of water cost so goddamned much to maintain?

  20. Annual disaster recovery test at work this weekend. You know how Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or New Year, or your birthday is the high point of your year? This weekend is the absolute low point of our year. They have the weekend booked with IBM years in advance, and it just looms on the horizon like a dark cloud.

  21. Oh….and the “ball slasher” looks exactly how I thought he might.
    Actually though, it sounds like something one of the translucents might grow up to do someday!

  22. This weekend has a run up to Mammoth for some spring skiing. There is even going to be some fresh snow. I hope my book gets here in time to take up with me.

    • I haven’t rec’d mine either. The Pony Express must be having a hard time gettin’ over the Rockies.

  23. Sit down in the seat and then depress the clutch petal
    next turn key mower starts …… right?

  24. We moved out to Green Acres about 3 years ago and I had to buy a big ass ridin’ mower for 3.5 acres of lawn. I chose my mower because of it’s ingenious, built-in beer holder. Now my weekends consist of mowin’, ipod’n & beer drinkin’. Yee-haw..

  25. It’s supposed to rain all weekend here, so I’ll be indoors with an Adult Beverage of some sort. Probably cook something too. If my signed Crossroads Road shows up, I’ll be reading it.
    .

  27. Does your lawn mower run for a second or two before crapping out? Two things 1. dirt plugging the carb jet. Take it apart and spray the jet clean 2.If you got one of those rubber primer pumps, could be cracked letting air into the system starving it of fuel.
    Just pull and nothing? Take off the decorative cover, remove the pullcord safety cover and blow the crap out of gap between the flywheel and ignition pickup.

  28. It’s suppose to fucking RAIN again this weekend. From tonight until the middle of next week. So..this weekend will consist of drinking, lots of sex, repeat….

  29. There are no lawn mowers in the Bible, so I don’t believe in them.

  31. The postman arrived early mid mourning yesterday afternoon. He was holding a parcel at arms length, clutched with both hands. His steps were quick as if late to deliver the King’s crown from its purple pillow but his crossed eyes stayed fixed on the package while wondering who would send two of the same thing. When he neared close I greeted him with a top-of-the day and “What is it you have for me there?” Still holding my precious cargo at arms length and seeming to walk even faster now he bursted out, gasping for breath, “ I don’t know but it smells like swamp ass!”

  32. Just got home…and lo and behold… THE book!! Greetings from the Bunker!! Thank you, Jeff!! Right back at ya! I feel like a fat kid at a candy store

  35. Weekend plan:

    Friday night – play hockey, then drink lots of free beer
    Saturday – drink free beer, eat free fish, then play hockey. Then drink lots more beer.
    Sunday – play hockey, then drink beer. Possibly play one more game of hockey, if the first three games went well. Then drink more beer.

    Yep, pretty much a perfect weekend!!!

  36. My wife [the 3rd one] and I were watching Sister Wives, the show about the polygamist family in Utah where the guy has 4 wives. My wife was not keen to the idea of me taking another wife.

    So does that mean my 3rd wife doesn’t want me to get a 2nd wife?

    And if there is no 2nd wife, where does all that child support go?

  37. Not this weekend, but next weekend, flying to St. Louis on Wednesday to see Slobberbone, flying to Cincy on Thursday to clean my apt Thurs and Fri to say fuck it to Northern KY living for at least now. Flying back Saturday for Craft Brew event in Downtown OKC.

      • Oh I haven’t live in Marieghetto in 16 yrs. I get back about twice a yr, the parents and both brothers are there.

        • Well, it’s the same ole, same ole, except everybody’s trying to burn down Front Street.

          • Yeah that kills me.
            My brother is running for an at large council sheet. He’s up against 7 others one of which is the current mayor.

  38. It’s supposed to rain here all weekend. The rain, topped off with acrid smoke from a fire on the NC coast, equals knotted sinuses, swollen eyes, and an alternately high pitched and gravel voice.

    It sounds like my inner child is hitting puberty. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

  39. Got my copy of “THE BOOK” straight from the Bunker yesterday and read it through the night. LOVE IT !!!!!! I already have the spot in the bookcase picked out for it; right next to “Don’t Stop The Carnival” by Herman Wouk. I can’t think of a more fitting place in my collection for it.

    No special plans here in Dogballs for this weekend. Just hoping it rains to get some relief from 90 degree temp and 4000% humidity.
    Anybody on the Redneck Riviera of coastal Alabama need a summer guest? If it’s gotta be hot, I need to be near a beach!!!

  40. Try some carb cleaner spray. Works most of the time after putting in clean gas.

    Jeff, heading down to Nashville tomorrow morning, lunch at Chuy’s then bar hopping thru Demonbreu and Broadway before seeing Fleet Foxes at the Ryman.

    Gonna be a helluva day!

  41. Canada Post managed to deliver the book with only a minor breach in the padded envelope, not large enough to allow water damage.

  42. Hey everyone, long time no talk/see. I’ve missed the Surf for the past week or so, been so busy.

    Jeff, I got the book today, thank you! I have to say, just reading the ‘special thanks to’ page, I felt really proud to even be part of the ‘Surf Reporters everywhere’ mention. I know I haven’t been here as long as a lot of you, but thanks for all the laughs over the past year and a half and letting me part of the Surf fam. I love you all…*sniff*.

    Anyway, hope everyone is good. Ben and I are going to Chicago tomorrow to see our friend’s deathmetal band play…that should be interesting…otherwise we are laying low this weekend. Probably cleaning the heaps of garbage out of the backseat of my car at some point this weekend…

  44. About the lawnmower, is the inside of the fuel filter rusted? If it is, you need to replace it. Cleaning the carb wouldn’t hurt either.

  45. Man I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I can’t put down the book, I want to know what happens to jovis and co next. Very, very good job Jeff.

  46. Did anybody else laugh out loud at the ball-slasher’s last name? I’m sure the j is silent, but it still seems fitting.

  47. AGAIN- GREAT BOok….Shit I yelled. Sorry it’s late, but not really…
    I love disagreeable fucks, especially those who infuriate me. Because I love to fight. HAHAHA…Just kiddin. No- seriously, though, most disagreeable fucks just need a hug. And a reality check. That’s not meant to be funny- I’m serious. A man hug. Move on.
    Go Orioles (much shit to follow, I’m sure…)…

    • and yes dammit this weekend i have a date i’m sure it will go well maybe this is the reason for my aggressive post a few minutes ago dammm still i’m glad i have a date and fuck me runnin go o’s dammmit

  48. Weirdest lawnmower thing I ever had happen was back in WV, I tried nearly everything to get it running, and the problem turned out to be that some wasps had built a nest of mud in the muffler over the winter.

  49. Soon, lawn mowers will be powered by your computer and connected by Bluetooth to always start. The mower produces a slight whrilling sound much like a disc loading making it alomst silent. This is due to the rotation of the “blades”. 500 miniture lazers spin at over 1200 revolutions per second for a clean and safe manicure of your lawn. You will be able to sit at your computer and program any words design or just a basic mowing patteren. Angle cut, baseball cut, and the popular, fairway cut add a statement to your lawn. The first time you mow, the computer will pick up the pattern and set the program. The next time all you or anyone has to do is just walk along for safety reasons. The mower does the rest.

    Little Gary ‘The Hacker’ Jones has found a way to hack into the mower and command it to mow designs such as: Shit Here…and…I’m Gay…and…several dick images.The mowers are so quiet, no one hears them in the middle of the night, doing their work. So I’m basically now experimenting with tin foil hat technology to see if I can block his transmissions by simple means and salvage my invention. The little shit could take over the world with lawn mowers if I’m not careful.

  50. Friends of ours have two teenage sons that come and mow our lawn, drag dead tree branches to the woods, and generally clean up the yard. 20 bucks a pop. Worf every penny

Get Social!