Wanna Help Me Write My Book?
Is it OK if I stop sneezing and coughing into my elbow now? I’m ruining all my shirts. Sheesh.
Anyway, there are currently 407 comments on the 2010 Roll Call page. Would anyone, by any chance, like to go through them one final time, to get a handle on how many states/countries we hit this year?
If not, I might be able to get to it over the weekend. I’d like to have some kind of easy-to-read summary, maybe a spreadsheet or something similar, with a total per state, etc.
And when I say I might be able to get to it, the rough translation is “I have good intentions, but there’s approximately the same chance of the entire cast of Riverdance emerging from my butt.”
But they say nothing is impossible, right?
I just downloaded the new Hold Steady album. Sounds pretty good, so far. I like those guys, and I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with their latest. Any opinions yet?
And Josh Kohlbach is taking advantage of the low-cost Surf Report advertising rates, and re-upping for another month with us. I want to thank him, by linking to his site again in an update. Right here.
If you have something you’d like to promote, please consider an ad campaign at TheWVSR. It’s ridiculously cheap, and I’ll do what I can to drive readers to your site. You know, after I accept the ad… I ain’t promoting no questionable boolshit.
And I mentioned that I’m returning to the yurt next week. I’m going to start an intensive editing of my book, and need your help with something.
This was suggested by my still-unnamed, but pretty much guessed at this point, NYC friend. While we were having beers a couple of weeks ago, she said I should ask you guys for some feedback on the stories and phrases you’ve read at the Surf Report, that have stuck with you over the years.
For instance, are there any particular Sunshine & Mumbles tales that jump immediately to your mind? Same with Nancy and the gang. If they’ve stood the test of time with you, then they’re probably good candidates for inclusion in the book.
Also, I’m looking for little phrases and descriptors that I pull out of my rear-end on occasion. These don’t have to be about the extended family, necessarily, just anything that’s stuck with you. Which ones do you remember, especially?
Part of editing a book, I’m guessing (gulp), is evaluating every scene. Some are stronger than others, and a few will probably need to be scrapped or replaced with something better. And I’m planning to add at least two additional chapters.
So, your feedback on this will help me out a great deal. I’ll need specific items, and not just “anything involving Nostrils.” You know, like the time he got caught in a Southern rainstorm for the first time, parked his car under a bridge, and shit his pants?
Can you help a brother out?
And I know this one seems even more self-indulgent than usual, but I really do need this information. So, thank you in advance.
Oh, and just because I feel like doing it… my friend is indeed Duff. She’s beyond awesome, and has helped me behind the scenes for several years. I’m confident that exciting things will be happening during the second half of 2010, and she’s played a big part in it.
So, there you go. Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
Good luck in the yurt. I say use plenty of “sainted mother of ______” in it.
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wow, I’m an early bird today!
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Trois.
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I’ve always enjoyed all the names you come up with for Marie Callendar frozen dinners.
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Number 4.. Man, I’m on a roll!
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One that still makes me chuckle when I think about it: Nostils’ “Ploffman’s Lunch” featuring “the SHARPEST cheddar cheese I’ve ever tasted.”
Another one: Nostrils supposedly going for a jog, and then being spied sitting on a rock smoking a cigarette.
And, of course, any mention of “Wiffy.”
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She must feel like Tully Sorenson.
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The phrase “peat moss stuffed into a bikini” (or whatever it was) always stuck with me and that one was from way back if I remember correctly.
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I can take care of the roll call, I already have a spreadsheet with all the states listed. I’ll go back through and recount as well as get the countries put down. Hopefully I can get that to you by Monday boss.
You have had so many “interesting” ways of turning a phrase I’ll need a little time to think about that but I’m sure the reporters here will get 99% of the best stuff to you shortly.
I’m glad and not suprised that Duff is your friend. I bought her book “Model Patient” after I did some research on her (sorry Karen I am a self proclaimed pop culture dim wit) and learned a little bit about her. I’ve just about finished her book and it has been quite an interesting read to say the least.
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Wow. Karen Duffy!? Fantastic. “Blank Check” entirely informed the list of what I’d buy if I ever won the lottery (go-kart track, slide from house to pool, hilarious chaufer) and how I’d go about courting an amazing FBI agent. A boy can still dream, right?
I’ve stolen and used in conversation your “What in the hand-tossed hell” or “deep fried hell” and variations thereof. And your “Rules of Thumb” stand the test of time.
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When you met Nancy at the Braves game. You painted such a vivid picture in my mind with that story.
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TOP 10!
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Calling straws “sissy sticks” is always a favorite.
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I started to help. Got bored. Quit. Sorry.
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Be sure to include the Easter saga that involved Nostrils snorkeling the Translucents’ candy, to the point where Sunshine called him out on it, provoking the hissyfit that ended with him screaming, “EAT! THOSE! BUNNIES!”
Always gets a laugh, no matter how many times I re-read it.
Also be sure to mention Nostrils’ habit of “pulling dead relatives out of his ass like it was a Kleenex box of unspeakable tragedy.”
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I think I may have had a Nancy sighting, not to many Nort Cacalackyin’s go walking with sky poles.
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Hand whipping through your hair and dropped a rectal plate, not necessarily together. Could you use the word “yamwad” in the book? I seem to be using this and several variations of this in my daily language. Trying not to cuss as much, so I sub yamwad, yamhole, yambasket, yammother ass lapper, etc. Its still a work in progress.
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Mlberry – that last one makes me bust out laughing every time:
“pulling dead relatives out of his ass like it was a Kleenex box of unspeakable tragedy.”
I almost just snorted at my desk.
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you give this village any kind of info and they’ll figure it out.
is there a n&n compendium site? didn’t there used to be?
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Off the top of my head I’m gonna say I’m fond of the “Carl Rappaport” Nostrils story. As a baseball fan that breaks me up every time. There’s other anecdotes, but I will have to think on it to narrow all the possibilities down.
As far as the Tao of Jeff goes, I believe we once had a whole day’s worth of postings on Jeff-isms that we all loved. I should try to find that on here, provided my 21st century attention span holds.
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I second Dogberry’s suggestion…Sweet sainted mother of Joe Farkin’ Bach!
Hangin’ around with famous people, writing books, etc…
WOW! we’ll be able to say that we knew Jeff when…sniff…
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I like the story about Nancy disimpacting one of the Translucent’s bowels. (Metallic) Poop stories are always good. Nostrils’ thieving of your underpants rates high on the list, as does his secret ingestion of all forbidden food items when Nancy isn’t looking.
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Okay, here it is. Wednesday, February 11, 2009, the Surf Reporter approved glossary of WVSR terms (an entry that mentions our first state head count, coincidentally):
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/an-old-fashioned-topic-dump/
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The computer not working because it had been left out in the rain has always stuck in my memory for some reason.
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A bowl of corn, motherfuckers!
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i enjoy translucent meltdowns, and the old school nancy stories where she turned a student from a fun loving guy to a scared little kid.
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I was going to offer some input but I see that Gretchen NAILED IT!
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The golden elixir must be immortalized in this book!
Also the long running, yet futile, fight against PAS.
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The time Nossy got overly excited about a copy of Rolling Stone that had Johnny Depp on the cover, and took it into the bathroom to ‘read’ while taking a dump. That bit will pop into my head at random times and always make me laugh.
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How about the story where you get interviewed about why you are counting the “fucks” in Deadwood?
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Better yet, Jeff, why not just compile every N&N and S&M story you’ve ever written, and devise some sort of narrative structure from story to story, and make that your book? You probably have enough material written over the years that you could get about three books out of it — it’ll be your N&N/S&M Trilogy ! That way, we wouldn’t have to miss out on any morsel of hilarious nuttiness.
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the oldest translucent can be jar jar.
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“looked at me like I was wearing a suit made of turds” and “turnip shaped people” are two of my favorites. Also, Marie Callendars references make me laugh hysterically at inappropriate times on occasion.
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I seem to remember a story about one of the transclucents being transfixed by a blank TV screen. I read that one over several times, and LOLed each time. Wish I could remember the details, though.
As for Kay-isms, “sweet-sainted mother of…” is a definite. As are “doucheketeer” and “dormancy platform”
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The oldest translucent’s meltdowns, which involves him sounding like a fax machine and same said child with his hands plunged down his pants, playing with his weiner. I literally cried, laughing so hard, reading the original posting of that classic.
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Oh yeah, “boof”.
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Sunshine’s lungs the size of tea bags.
Your “John Boy” mole.
The kid who sounds like one of The Statler Brothers, the one way down on the end.
The slippery undercoating they use to treat battleships so barnacles won’t stick–I think this was in reference to a meal at Long John Silvers..
Noticing a person where all the features are shoved down into one corner of his face.
Sports figures with filthy names.
Treatment effects of Alli.
The Walmart Game.
The co worker who ate a peck of apples every day.
Rules of Thumb
Thanks, JK
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Sweet sainted mother of Bonnie Franklin
That one sticks in my head for some reason
At this time
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Describing a device that should be important but isn’t as “merely a prop” has made it’s way into my vocab, as well as naming some unlikely soul as “your spiritual guide” are my favorites.
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My vote goes to “Sweet Sainted Mother of Barnaby Jones’ or whomever you inserted.
I always thought your Fast Food Reviews was a fantatsic piece “It won’t be long before a big clump of dickhair…” appeared in your WHopper or something to that effect. I don’t want to plagiarize.
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sweet sainted mother of mother teresa.
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Retrollama: I believe the translucent was speaking in tongues or in some other equally disturbing, horror-movie voice to the TV. That story’s a favorite of mine too. And how he’s encouraged to go fingering his mom’s elbow whenever the urge to play with his wiener hits. Gawd, no amount of therapy is going to undo the harm that’s been done to that kid!
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I LOVE all N&N stories, but my favorite of all time is Nossy shitting his pants in the thunderstorm. Another item regarding the Oldest Transluscent is the “special occasion skirt.”
As far as Sunshine and Mumbles go, I liked it when she was on the gluten free diet, but she was eating all things gluten by the end of the day.
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Holy crap in a bundt pan!
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Weren’t the Transluscents nursing at inappropriate ages? Nancy was nursing the youngest one, who was already way too old for that, and the older one had to have a turn.
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I don’t remember the exact post but I just remember you describing some guy “all of his facial features bunched up in the center of his face”. Still laughing…
Everyone is hitting all the other Jeff-isms I can think of as well.
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“I ’bout shit the head rest” – Classic !
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I can’t remember the exact details, but one WVSR story I loved was when Jeff took the Secrets to the amusement park and watched as an ancient bearded hillbilly antagonized everybody by driving the wrong way on the bumper car track. I believe there was a photo, too.
As for catchphrases, one that I use all the time is “holy tap-dancing crap!”
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I used “man of heft” on the air the other day and got laughs.
Also, the story where Nossy wore his “jaunty” driver’s cap.
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These aren’t the best, but off the top of my head:
- “Her face reflected a life of poor choices.”
(Think about the wisdom and turn of phrase in that!)
- “If you think I’m l lying, oh, you’d be wrong about that.”
- “I had to call my Daddy. I’m 46, what of it?”
- Power-farting in to the sofa.
- The description of one of the secret’s turds as “the size of a forearm. My God, drink some water!”
Oh god, so many more to come. This should be fun.
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I liked “sissy sticks”, too. Also, the insult “whistle dick”. That’s my favorite.
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things with n&n:
“That ain’t tilex”… from them fornicating in the shower, from one of your first posts about them….
oh.. and the whole thing where nancy gets jealous that nostrils was masterbating… the description of the whole thing where he dims the lights and puts on his masterbation robes etc etc…
them getting married by an actor on a beach surrounded by leaping dogs….
then there was the whole episode where you were doing something with the camper and your dad was trying to explain Male and Female electrical componants, where the males have prongs and the females have sockets… he said something like “I tried to teach you this when you were a kid but all you wanted to do was sit in your room and listen to records”
4th of july when you set off fireworks with your kids and the youngest translucent…and nostrils pulled the blinds closed because it was freaking the loony one out…
the oldest translucent wearing a skirt to school on special occasions….
nostrils asking you if he could turn off iCarly because it was too intense for his kids…
the sunshine incident where she was over and went to sleep and toney went out for something and sunshine woke up screaming for her… and the “I don’t know what’s going ooooon….”
shit man… how many more do you need?
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The translucent and the Lego scene is golden.
The observation about the ‘deaf argument’ and the ‘big pinkie loop’ was what got me hooked on the wvsr. I remember now.
Enough for a sequel yet?
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I haven’t the slightest clue what any of you are talking about…but I have a ton of great stories if that’s what’s needed…I’m guessing these things you all speak of are links on Jeff’s page that I haven’t had the pleasure of reading yet..someone want to clue me in or give me the links? Thanks.
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Brittney you have to go back and read the archives, wear depends or sit on someone elses sofa cause you will piss yourself laughing at all of the antics going on! Start at the WVSR Classic link , just go on from there. Happy Surfing!
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It’s very recent, from one of the podcasts in fact, but what might be my all time favorite:
“He looks like he gets into a bar fight like I eat a bowl of cereal.”
Perfection.
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Oh Brit,
Check out the archives for nancy and nostrils stories If you were a super secret subscriber you would have seen some pretty good stuff.
Like:
The oldest translucent heard Toney and Nancy discussing Sunshine, and butted-in: “It’s true. Grandma can be quite arduous.”
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all N&N stories…
“sissy sticks”
the term “douchewaffle”
the ad where everyone looked like they were breaking wind…
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Damn, then there is this gem between jeff and nostrils:
“You put Duran Duran on your iPod?” he asked.
“Yeah, their greatest hits are on there.”
“Well, that’s kind of mockable, isn’t it?”
Interestingly enough this came out a short month and a half before the first mockable post.
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It’s a simple phrase, but “funk dat” makes me laugh EVERY time, no matter how awful of a day its been.
If someone hasn’t mentioned it already, Nostril’s pirate novel that he’s been writing for years also needs to be incorporated in the book. It should tie in nicely with his Johnny Depp obsession.
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Wasn’t there one when Nostrils had his weiner hanging out and Sunshine started freaking out?
Is that an erection I smell?
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Phrases: Anything that describes the summer weather in Scranton. “Hotter/sweatier than Satan’s ass crack or scrotum,” is my fav . . .
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I’ve become partial to ‘Honeybaked hell’, and try to use it whenever possible.
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Nostrils getting busted with the funnel cake and/or cigarette, the cookie hidden on the bookshelf, the Translucents’ copper-scented feces – and of course the Spoon Incident. “Derby of turds” always cracks me up. No, just the phrase; doesn’t matter what it’s in reference to.
The “th” to “f” (as in “boof” or “souf”) is a wonderful thing, but it must be used sparingly lest its power be diminished.
I’ll second (third, whatever number we’re up to) “sweet sainted mother of $OBSCURE_SEMI_CELEBRITY”.
Yard biscuits. Dumplin’ children and buzz-cut hicklets.
All for now.
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anything about nancy and nostrils makes me laugh till my face hurts. i like the phrase “eats it from the ass in” also ” somtimes we eat corn up in this motherfucker”
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“Sweet Sainted Mother of Sissy Spacek”
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Funny you should ask.
Entering the bathroom after one of the translucents and it smelled like an electrical fire (due to their weird diet)
I was thinking about this today. Alone. And laughing.
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“Sweet Sainted Mother of Blanket Jackson.”
I have more favorites, but you guys beat me to it.
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Oh, I just remembered, Sunshine and her antibiotics.
Toney’s note while talking to Sunshine on the phone, “She’s so crazy!”
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I for one would like to welcome our new celebrity overlord.
Drop the hands whipping through the air shit and focus on the Statler brother who sings way down low.
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One of my favorites was when you went on a trip somewhere and the only bathroom available was just off the kitchen and it was “unusable” due to kitchen proximity but towards the end you found one in the garage (?) and it was so hot in there, it was like shitting in a sauna.
Snoop Manny Man shit slinging is always good (sorry no specific one here) as was the recent “day in the life of Black Lips Houlihan” where you described his day of sleeping, sending pee-mail, stalking the mailman, etc.
I’ll have to ask my wife for others. I usually try to read the really good ones to her but end up gagging and choking on laughter instead.
-me
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The one when you go camping and the tofu dogs is my favorite
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I second the “Sweet Sainted Mother of’s.” Sweet Sainted Mother of Vic Taybak was one of my all time faves.
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You guys beat me most of my favorites, except for one of my new favorite words from Jeff: assplosion.
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Here’s a little nugget of huh? I ordered a book and some movies from Amazon (Hopefully the Jeff link worked) on the 22nd of April. The following is the tracking info.
April 23, 2010 06:23:00 PM Phoenix AZ Shipment has left seller facility and is in transit
April 25, 2010 12:54:00 PM Bell CA Departure Scan
April 28, 2010 05:09:00 AM Cincinnati OH Departure Scan
April 29, 2010 02:07:00 PM Des Moines IA Departure Scan
May 2, 2010 12:33:00 PM Oklahoma City OK Departure Scan
May 4, 2010 02:04:00 PM Oklahoma City OK Delivered
The post office originally said they’d be delivered on the 30th. What confused me is that I do maintain a residence in the Cincy area so I thought I’d screwed up the delivery address, nope, OKC was listed. But what’s even more frustrating is that I was actually in Cincy from the 1st to the 4th and could have received these things there.
And the post office wonders why it’s losing money.
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Self humiliation is always funny, but you’re already very good at that. Wit is another matter, and you’ve also mastered that.
The stories that stick with me include:
Nostrils stealing underwear and having a “jackoff parlor” almost made me shit my pants. I mean, the very idea of someone sitting in a silence of the lambs type “jackoff parlor” while marveling at their stolen underwear collection is absurdly funny.
I loved the story of the local guy with a case of the mentals – the guy with a bread sack full of sandwiches and novelty headgear that hawked “his” papers and delivered lunches.
The better the picture is painted, the funnier. But maybe that’s just me, I have an unusual sense of humor.
It’s not my place to offer advice. But I’d remind you to just be yourself. It’s worked thus far. Some will like you and some won’t. Don’t worry about adjusting your material to suit “the masses”. Look at Dennis Miller. Most people don’t understand half of the words that come out of his mouth. But that’s his style – and it works for him.
I’m laying in bed, eating eclairs right now. No shit. Gotta go.
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I always loved reading about the shit drizzling hammer head dog-like creature. The one with the “please kill me, mister” look on his face.
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I had to search to find the exact passage.
“After dinner we had some more norf of the border beer, and eventually the kids got ready for bed. We overheard Nancy telling the translucents to take off their underwear, before putting on their pajamas. Is that an accepted practice?? It makes no sense to me, and I prefer not to think about it.
And a little while later the youngest translucent was standing in the living room, with his arm rammed down the back of his pants. Eventually he removed it, and began inspecting his hand and wrist. Then he said to Nostrils, “Papa, I don’t think I remembered to clean my bum.”
Good times.”
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I don’t now why, but one story that sticks in my head is when the translucents were over, and one couldn’t push out his own metallic-smelling shit. He wanted grandma to help him, which horrified her.
As far as phrases, I often use variations of, “he looked at me like I was wearing a hat made entirely out of turds.”
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I loved the time Nostrils took a nap in your bed and you expounded on his man parts touching your sheets.
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“howling like a retard with a toothache”
pure genious.
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Nostrils stealing your underwear and sunshine’s reaction.
The translucent and Mr. Tophat. Oh, god. How I laugh at Mr. Tophat. I use it as a warning story when someone wants to homeschool.
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I still laugh every time I think of Mr. Funnelpants!
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I just wrote 300 words or so of book writing advice and hit the wrong button and it’s gone — all gone. I’m too tired to try to rethink what I said and too pissed off at myself to want to.
So let’s talk for a minute instead about writing prep. I’m a certified rock & roll doctor and I think I can help you transcend the boolshit and get to a place where you can let your fingers do the walking.
Kathy Valentine’s album “Light Years”. Listen three times through…it’s layered, well-written straight-ahead adult rock, which means it will require more than one application to get you. If three isn’t enough, repeat until bliss pulls to a stop in your brain.
Kathy on most six- and four-strings, Clem Burke on drums, Kathy doing most of the singing, Abby Travis kicking in on bass and even old Ace Frehley adding some lead.
Kathy can drop-dead sing. If you’re wearing really good cans, at one point she sticks her tongue in your left ear. The ladies out there might like this as well, but I’d rather not speak for them.
A note of caution. This is a complex recording and can be super-compressed only at the cost of your soul. I don’t mean your musical soul. I mean that if you scrunch this down to super MP3 compression, 30 or 40 years from now while you’re working on a jigsaw puzzle at your retirement villa you’ll slip away and suddenly be confronted by a three-headed dog and you will be all out of dog biscuits. Caution given.
In the mean time, I hope yert-life goes well and that you feel happy and productive.
jtb
.
“Impossible star
I have come so far
I’ve traveled light years
To be right here”
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You were helping the oldest secret with his math homework (word problems). One of the questions was about trains leaving two different places at different speeds. You said (and I quote) I fully expected the next question to be “If Johnny has 2 apples and Suzy has a club foot, who’s the governor of Vermont?” I use that line to this day.
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Any description of a stranger seems to end up as a classic (the woman who’s voice sounded like cigarettes and bourbon)
There are thousands of other Kay-isms that have left me howling like Fenrir Greyback – including:
any Nancy/Nostrils update
I wish I had his nose full of dimes
Little Debbie Abuse
Shaking like Janet Reno on a hayride
He loves bowling like the Chinese love lead
Populated by people who have very likely appeared on the Smoking Gun
puttered around like Miss Jane Pittman for a little while
we’re always paranoid they’ll think we live like straight-up holler trash
This doesn’t require an emergency meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
my head snapped forward like I was peeing in the John Wilkes Memorial Booth. Sweet Jesus!
staring straight ahead like ventriloquist dummies with improbable hairstyles
jerking and twitching like Skippy Hicks in that Ford commercial
power-farting through the upholstery
humiliated myself by farting like an ocean liner during sex
I made a beeline for the pee-catchers. There was already a guy shoved up against one
What was it all about?! My right hand went whipping through my hair.
trailer parks filled with disturbingly fat/disturbingly skinny people, and Pontiac Grand Ams with one green door…
A hospice facility would surely seem like a Saturday night rave compared to K-Mart. They’re not only cut-rate and trashy, but also empty. At least Wal-Mart is vibrant. There’s lots of mullets and black concert t-shirts and women SCREAMING at their fat little hicklets with Yoo-Hoo smeared all over their big Charlie Brown faces.
Rope of nose-putty
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I also liked – Have any of you been to unclaimed freight? I felt overly dressed in that place, I didnt have any recent tattoos, unheald stab wounds or a horribly stained wife beater on.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters……
Duff. …(puppy love sigh)
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oh, sorry, contributions…
A sign of disinterest or a feeling of apathy being referred to as: I couldn’t give a tiny seahorse shaped shitlet
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and….
laughing like a retard at a taffy pull
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Mudpup: It wasn’t Unclaimed Freight (Unclaimed Freight, it’s great, hurry to the one nearest youuuuuu!!), it was Harbor Freight Tools. I went in one shortly thereafter Jeff’s description and discovered he was dead on! Hilarious. Though it’s possible Unclaimed Freight looks/looked like that too.
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Steve, an “A+” for research skills. Or did that come off the top of your head?
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Oh yea, you are correct Gretchen.
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@Drugs There was a time when I’d cut/past the really good quotes I’d come across – always meaning to do something with them.
What I TRIED to research, but couldn’t find, was a comment that was good enough to cut/paste to my brother – since it was a perfect description of the town WE grew up in. I think it was from February 2010, but I don’t know who’s comment it was – and one of the funniest things I’ve ever read:
My hometown of Wellsburg, West Virginia had three outlying areas where all of those type people lived, Rabbit Hill, Forty Nine Hill, or McKinleyville.
I lived in that town for the first 26 years of my life. I could go 51 weeks and never lay eyes on any of those freaky people, not at the Kroger’s, the gas station, the bar, church, bank, no place.
Then one week in July, the carnival would come to town and every retard, every gimp, every waterhead, and dirty neck pony tail hick with his 500 pound pregnant girlfriend would show up for Bingo and funnel cakes all week long. The hollers and hills and trailer parks would empty out in to little Wellsburg to flick cigarette butts and throw empty popcorn boxes all over town.
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and there’s a thought – while I couldn’t live without my daily (heh) dose of JFK, it’s the comments that often make my day.
The Surf Reporters are a treasure trove of hysteria – maybe that’s the second book……….
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All of the ones I like have already been mentioned and I’m not sure if it were mentioned yet (or even if it was from here) but my wife and I constantly referring to people as assbags…and their assbaggery. Saint Louis seems to have more than it’s fair share. But the inexpensive Budweiser makes up for them ten fold.
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I use “I don’t give a single dingle” a lot.
I believe you were trying to cross a street in London when someone almost “peeled your apple” …
also, while in a London elevator, or “lift” heh heh, you accidentally pushed an alarm button with one of your love handles.
The image one of the translucents pinching his Mom’s elbow has always stayed with me, although I wish it wouldn’t.
half-shirt
your toliets getting clogged with a secret’s dump the size of a SunnyD can.
Gary, I like that one, too – “howling like a retard with a toothache.” omg
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One phrase I learned here that came to mind recently when a coworker claimed to have taken a shower and made it to work in record time was “a whore’s bath”. If I remember correctly, it means just quickly swiping the naughty bits with a wet washcloth.
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Jason gave birth to the phrase “assrabbit”…but I used it the other day and it just flowed out of my word hole as smoothly as cake batter in to a bundt pan.
The Alli treatment effects essay hooked me and I really thought that’s where I read “shotgun blast diarrhea”, but it must have been somewhere else on the site. I’ve heard more digestive system talk here that I would have heard had I been a soon to be retired 90 yr old gastro-entro-intestinal-doctor-thingy… That’s probably why I keep coming back.
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‘Pugsley Puddin’ Child’ has been adopted into my everyday lexicon.
As well as ‘Wotta grand gang of….’
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“My nipples are exploding with delight.”
“Holy shit on a handtruck.”
“Doucheketeer”
And I personally find it hilarious when you write about Andy.
You’ve mentioned how the vet shaves his “pucker” every time he goes for a visit and how you can see his butthole from 3 city blocks away or from a low flying aircraft. I can see you writing about him. laughing to yourself, while he is laying on the floor giving you a “what the hell are you laughing about” look. I’m sure there is the raising of one eyebrow, then the other with a tail wag or two as well.
Heck, it’s hard to choose a couple of things. It’s all funny. My head is almost exploding just trying to think of a couple of things. There’s too many to choose from.
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“but I used it the other day and it just flowed out of my word hole as smoothly as cake batter in to a bundt pan. ”
…….you’ll kill yourself reading something like that with a bagel in your mouf and pouring in ice tea. My keyboard is wet AGAIN
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Thanks for reminding me, Tammie. My dog’s pucker and girly bits desperately need a shave, and I’m running out of wet wipes to take care of any hangers-on before they’re smeared on my sofa pillows while I’m out. I’m half tempted to just give her a wax so it’ll last longer.
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sorry about that Steve…
8 )
I figured if I’m going to screw around while I should be “working” that I should put some effort in to it…. no half assed efforts – full assed efforts only!!!
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How Nostrils can absolutely Dominate a shitter. That and Dooshenozzle
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I’ll buy beers for Jeff for that video of the fat woman / flipping cigarette – and pay good money for the video of Brynhildr waxing her dog’s ass
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My dog has a bleached asshole.
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My god I can hear the poor thing yelping from here. Make it stop.
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If comments are fair game for the book I would nominate the “I fuck cheese” story. With permission of course.
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- “my tiny Duke head ”
- “had to piss like Man O’ War”
- “have a zit on my nose the size of a cert”
- I farted and “it sounded like an ocean liner had pulled into the harbor”
Oh, hell, just print out the website, slap a cover on it and call it day. I’ll buy it.
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As for Kay-isms, “sweet-sainted mother of…” is a definite. As are “doucheketeer” and “dormancy platform”
These are my favorites too. My favorite mother was “Sweet-sainted mother of Britney Spears”. I also love Black Lips Houlihan. Any and all of the N&N stories are treasures.
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U_W, without a doubt, the “I fuck cheese” comment was my favorite of all time. Fucking hysterical.
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One of my favorite lines is, “I don’t give a seahorse-shaped shitlet”. I’ve used it, I admit.
Some stories I’ll never forget that do not include N&N:
The “special citizen” at the restaurant ordering a salad. When he was asked what kind of dressing he wanted, he yelled “CREAMY CHEESE! CREAMY CHEESE!”
Also, some hilarious story a long time ago about a wispy-mustached, over-weight teen and his mom at a checkout counter. The checkout girl was gorgeous and this teen nerd broke into a full English accent to impress her. Then some visual of him running out into the woods with a wizard outfit on or something.
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Andy’s yard crullers!!
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Has anyone brought up “smelled like a vagina full of bad decisions”? Do I remember Jeff saying he got it from someone else?
That even made my overly PC wife laugh. Definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in text.
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the stories about why Jeff won’t take a deuce in public restrooms…
also the “echoes of people coughing, and sounds of someone trying to get that last bit of mustard out of the bottle” in the bathroom by Jeff’s office.
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Got an e-mail from another surf reporter asking me about Mr. Tophat. It was once sentance in a VIP update. I have quoted the section to have it make sense.
“Then the transparent children acted out some sort of convoluted and disturbing scene with their LEGO characters. The oldest, as usual, dominated. He was cranking off a series of terrifying voices, sometimes layered as if several people were talking at once. It was scary as hell, like the phone calls in the original Black Christmas.
He kept shouting about someone called “Mr. Tophat,” and grew angrier and angrier at this fictional character, until his face was blood-red.
Shit!”
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@JDL – the vagina full of bad decisions was me, i only claim it because it was brush with comedic greatness!!!
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Any N&N and Sunshine and Mumbles works for me! I just reread the Christmas 2002 visit. The series of vignettes will make a great movie. It’s hard to believe that they are not made up!
I love the Sunshine descriptions of Nostrils like this one: “an AC/DC, hotel/motel, goddamn ball-baby bitch.”
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living in the upper perogie belt…
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Sponge, on May 7th, 2010 at 11:48 am Said:
“Any N&N and Sunshine and Mumbles works for me! I just reread the Christmas 2002 visit. The series of vignettes will make a great movie. ”
You know, that reminds me. Most people have seen the movie “A Christmas Story”. Each of the little sub-plots is a story previously told by Jean Shepherd on his radio show: the dogs getting the turkey, the Hubcap Incident, the decoder ring, etc. All these were separate, unrelated stories which were later woven together into a cohesive narrative. I’d wager that a similar treatment could be applied to Jeff’s rich inventory of stories, especially the N+N subcategory.
Just a thought for the next book, unless that’s already the basis of this one.
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FIRST MY SYMPATHIES: Having just finished the copy-editing phase of my book, I have deep empathy for you. They don’t tell you that (even with help from your peeps) book writing is like passing a chunk of unobtanium through the meatus.
MUST-HAVE quotes: I really think it all comes down to ensuring that you include, “giant cicada shell smoking a cigaretteand drinking a gin & tonic,” and “woman pushing a wheelchair with what looked like a human fetus strapped to it.” Get those two quotes in (preferably with visuals on the cover) and I’m buying one for every one of my friends (both of them).
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My favorite quote is “she looked at me like I had a cat turd pinned to my shirt”. I said that to my girlfriend once and she almost died from choking on her diet coke.
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rules of thumb!!!!
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Years ago I landed on your site via an email that had a link to the (devilish) cargoyle story. I have been reading the Surf Report now and again and you always make me laugh out loud.
The Rules of Thumb always pop-up in my head whenever I get a CD in my hands with a band on or near railroad tracks and as a result, I get funny looks from other shoppers.
Then there’s the word “Crapola” which leads my mind to the story where you were in the basement confronted with the fatal combination of younglings crapability and a broken toilet infrastructure.
Lastly, having an affair and telling the world you’re seeing a Revlon model in NYC, I think is top shelf!
Keep it up!
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