[VJ] What Nicknames Are You Glad You Never Earned?

Hello, Surf Reporters! Virtual Jeff here… The real Jeff is off doing something he’s convinced is important, and has left me in charge for a week. He had some trouble getting me started, as usual, but it was just a small problem with the primer pump. Nothing serious. I’m humming along nicely now.

In this first installment, I’d like to know what nicknames you’re glad you never picked-up along the way. Maybe things like Onion Pits, Fudge Buster, Cherry Tomato Dick, etc. As my design model is fond of saying, please use the comments link below.

Also, if you can’t think of any bad nicknames, please tell us about some GOOD ones you’ve heard during the years.

And I’ll be back at 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Eastern Standard Time. It’s not like I have any choice in the matter… the shit is locked-in.

Goodbye.

65 Responses to “[VJ] What Nicknames Are You Glad You Never Earned?”

  1. I’m glad nobody ever called me “Britney.”

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  2. Some friends and I worked at a PetsMart, and there was one lesbian chick who worked with us. She had the most rotten teeth I’d ever seen on someone so young, and she chased one of the other girls around constantly, trying to get her cornered so she could kiss her. We called her Vagi-gingivitis behind her back.

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  3. Woo-fat was my brothers nickname, he was not a big fan of the name.

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  4. I once knew a morbidly obese fella, fondly refered to as “Hoagie”.

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  5. Sharts McGee

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  6. I had horrible acne on my face and torso in high school. Just to mess with me, my brother occasionally called me “Bacne”… that stopped when he developed it too.

    I’m guessing there will be a few people that check the site promptly at 9:00am tomorrow, looking to be first.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Already set a reminder in Outlook.

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  7. THIS IS THE START OF SKYNET!!!

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  8. I think Jeff put his lawn mower in charge of the updates; based on the difficulty in getting it started.

    I’m pretty glad that “Poop Tooth” never stuck to me as a nickname.

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  9. There was a kid in my nephew’s neighborhood who got stuck with the unfortunate nickname of “Booger.”

    Nowadays, Booger is 6’4″, about 220 pounds, and has done a couple of tours in the middle east with the Marines.

    And he’s known as either Michael or Sir these days…

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  10. Oh good Lord, we blessed a lot of co-workers with bad nicknames I’d never want. Let’s see there was:

    “In Bedrock, Twitch! Twitch” for a manager with a facial tic that would cause her eyes to twitch spastically.

    “Nitty” for a guy constantly nit picking his balding scalp.

    “tha” for the bitch with the speech impediment “Thith oneth for you, thithter!”

    “Hoof” for the assitant who insists on wearing open toed shoes with toenails that could form, well, a horse’s hoof.

    “Slurpee” for a slut with a penchant for giving blowjobs to anything with a dick.

    “Twiggy” for a recruiter who is still stuck in the ’60s with her white lipstick.

    “DDD” or “Triple D” which stands for “Debbie Does Dallas” for some old hag who looks like a washed up porn star.

    “Printhess” for the 35 year old lawyer who wants to get married at the Magic Kingdom, complete with Cinderella gown AND tiara.

    Oh there are more…

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    Have you stayed in touch with any of these old co-workers?
    Slurpee, for instance?

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    bikerchick Reply:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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    madz1962 Reply:

    I went to high school with Slurpee but didn’t know of her BJ prowess back then. Found out she enjoyed all those twisted sex clubs in NYC during the 80s. As my husband would say “I wouldn’t touch that with a stolen dick”

    In my McDonald years, we had a worker we called “6′Em” because she had 6 fingers on one hand. Watching her grab/stack 6 orders of fries was a sight to behold.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    I was in a training company once (Army) with a few female drill sergeants. I didn’t know until too late that one of them would blow you immediatly upon showing her your dick. no questions asked.

    dang.

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  11. my best friend had the unfortunate nickname of “jiggly tits” in highschool. hahaa, man highschoolers are mean. It was even more clever since it was a play on his name, JT. He certainly wasnt a portly kid but just had no muscle and a mild case of, well for lack of a good medical term, jiggly tits.

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  12. We called a guy “Hinges” because he was always hanging around the door.

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  13. Oh..too many..so little time…Here’s a few….

    “ATM”…..A chick at our local bar that, once drunk (more often than not), will approach everyone “sliding” her hand in and out of their crotch. Male or female. Doesn’t matter. Everyone gets felt up.

    “Powder”…..A dude who showed up for a bike run in a “powder blue” track suit.

    “Drunkle”…..My boyfriend. Our best friends had a baby. So now we’re Auntie and Drunkle.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    “ATM” is priceless! LMAO

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    t-storm Reply:

    I knew an atm. In st. Louis we called her dirty debbie. One mornig my friend one eyed mark went to her place to work on her AC and beatle bob was leaving doing the walk of shame.

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  14. Used to work with this lady who had one of those kitchen witch faces, although she did have teeth. Her facial features sunk back in her head, so we gave her the nickname of R.P.H. (Rotten Pumpkin Head).

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  15. I’ve been known to smoke a bit of reefers every now and again, so my brothers have taken to calling me “Bong Water.” Luckily, their nicknames are no better. My marine brother with a large derriere is called “BB” (Bubble Butt), my brother who is a wigger and self-proclaimed ladies man is “DJ Slow Love”, and the last is “Beaches,” because……he likes beaches?

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  16. “Fitzforeskin”. Last name Fitzgerald. Face that looked like his forskin was grafted over whatever was there before. That’s the kind of comraderie you can look forward to in basic training.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    I think Va Tech coach Frank Beamer had ass cheek grafted to his neck.

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    Wisey in TTown Reply:

    Holy shit, that’s funny. I wondered that myself.

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  17. I’m just glad my cohorts never took to calling me Jethro Halen or Van Tull….

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  18. My husband used to hang out in a group with a lot guys named Ray. One poor sap was simply known as Diabetic Ray.

    I used to work with a woman who barely moved her mouth while speaking and still managed to sound like Bobcat Goldthwait. She was known as Lockjaw.

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  19. Nicknames I have:

    “The Vanilla Gorilla”
    “T. Farty McAppleass”
    “Jason Jason, Masturbation”

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  20. We have a neighbor a few doors down who sports a permanent, yet horribly unrealistic, weave/hairpeice/carpet thingy on his head. He has an actual name but to us neighbors, he’s just wig.

    I was a bit of a…shall we say…plump teenager and when I was 15 I was walking down Ventura Beach with some friends and a Jamaican guy selling “pipes” off a blanket called me Jelly Bean. My friends thought it was hilarious and proceeded to call me that for the next 3 years of high school. Thankfully I outgrew that one.

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  21. Nickname to avoid.. Bung

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  22. A good nickname to avoid – Gerdie. As in good God Gerdie…

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  23. Only two bad ones I can think of;
    One of the former shop idiots was known as Little Retard, or L.R. if he was within earshot. Just plain stupid. He was also known as Post II (Post Two) as we also have the displeasure of having the original one known as ‘the Post’.

    One of the higher ups with a bad hair transplant was known as scrotum head. Hint: if your think hair on your noggin is the only option, grab a head blade and get rid of all your hair. It’ll look alot better than having your asshair moved to the top of your head.

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  24. Im glad i was never called bonertime

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  25. Grew up with a guy we called “Smacky”. He earned that nickname at the lake at a church group party. He pooped in the lake and it floated up behind him and he turned around and tried to smack it back under the water before anyone else saw it.

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  26. There was a guy a few years older than me that was nicknamed “Hoover”. Apparently he tried to give himself a BJ with the vacuum cleaner.

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    Ed Reply:

    I don’t know how or why, exactly, having never tried it, but I’ve heard that it really works. Maybe it’s time to try new things…

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  27. Our friend biscuit got the name one mardis gras when every beer opened during the parade would spray on her so she was soggy biscuit.

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  28. I was a sorta chunky little girl and my dad called me Lard Ass in private and Crisco in public. So proud of me.

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    Vicki Reply:

    I did not grow up with self esteem issues.

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    t-storm Reply:

    Damn.

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    The Kuban Reply:

    That’s just plain wrong.

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  29. coworkers, past and present, nicknames:

    a stutterer – “machine gun”…….da-da-da-da-da-da–,
    “dog breath” (self explanatory)…….. a skinny dude – “bumper jack”………….”hairpiece” (self explanatory again)
    “stool sample” was another one i knew…………

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  30. I am under five feet “tall” and was probably the only virgin at my high school graduation. The boys in HS called me SUBJ because they told me I wouldn’t have to kneel for them…they could be my/their first Stand Up Blow Job. Idiots.

    My dad called me measle (because of my freckles). He also called me zipper because I was flat chested and if I stood sideways and stuck my tongue out, that’s what he said I would look like.

    Cinnamon, for my hair color. I liked this one.

    Now, I’m 4’11″ the freckles have all but faded, I’m no longer flat chested (thank you, “filling out”!) and I love giving blow jobs.

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    t-storm Reply:

    I love you

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    Mike Reply:

    You had me at skinny redhead. I would have married you on the spot.

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    greg t Reply:

    God I hope you live near Boston…

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  31. Funny…most guys don’t like redheads. Must’ve been the blowjob comment.

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    t-storm Reply:

    Short blowjobby redheads with tits. Im in.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    All good!

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    Ed Reply:

    Really? I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but redheads have always been a hot item to me and my pals.

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    Anonymous Reply:

    You are all very sweet! But, growing up short, skinny, and flat chested, well…you learn to rely on other things. So, smart and funny was the way I went (to be picked on “less”). I helped kids with their homework, and always made people smile. So, now, when people say I’m “hot” I just look around like, “Who, ME”? I’m still the ugly duckling on the inside. Now, it’s just weird that men (and, women!) want to grope me…(Must be the blow job lips)…No botox here!

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    t-storm Reply:

    You keep advertising….

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    doctorright Reply:

    Okay. Huge fan.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    ALWAYS go for smart and funny. Beauty fades, either over time or through constant contact; smart and funny is forever.

    Redheads are cool; freckles are hot. Doris Kearns Goodwin remains a babe. As it happens, she’s a redhead who’s smart and funny.

    jtb

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    chill Reply:

    Good God, woman – you are “hot” as far as I’m concerned, by each and every one of the criteria discussed. By any chance do you live in the Mid-Atlantic?
    .

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  32. Unfortunate-looking girl in high school: Sasquatch.
    Annoying neighbor kid: Cheese Whiz
    Skinny brother: Limbs
    His nickname for me…..Kennel Queen >: /

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  33. Hump Pumper.

    Force Fat.

    Regrettafuck.

    Shortstop.

    Fishscale.

    Menudo.

    Lizard Peen.

    Early Cum Storm.

    Major Dad.

    Ass Savvy.
    (Okay, that wouldn’t be so bad. If applied correctly.)

    The Centaur.

    Otis.

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  34. I was in HS with a girl we all called “titler” and I worked with a guy on the railroad know as “Jimmy the Truth”.

    You have worked on the railroad to get all the other nicknames but I always like “Air Jordan” (would constantly blow the emergency release on the air brakes) and “Tommy two guns”.
    I got called “milk” or milkcrate” a lot, but totally deserved it.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Sounds like the cast from GoodFellas! LMAO!

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  35. Late to this party and headed to the next one, one floor up…but…
    I’m glad to have ever earned then nickname…”Buzzkill”.

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  36. Dink. I would not want to be called Dink.

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  37. Mooch – the guy from high school that everybody bummed money from

    Hi-Ho – the same guy – he had silver front teeth

    Eats – the same guy – he was fat

    Etc – the same guy – we ran out of names for him

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  38. A lady that comes into where I work we call July Dumpster because of how bad she smells. We also have Frank the Stank and Coco puff (because she’s coo-coo).

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  39. My Dad used to call me James the Blue Ribbon Eggman. And he also called me Shithook.

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  40. Peltman – Really hairy guy in HS
    Spoo – self-explanatory
    Head – Younger guy in HS who was sort of a tool
    Mopar – Real name was Ford
    Cool Mo Tool – Biggest, whitest guy you’ve ever met
    Gumdrop – girl with very… pert…parts

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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