I was talking to Steve a few days ago, and he asked about Nancy’s most recent visit. I told him it was a quickie, less than 24 hours, and he said, “Oh, you probably didn’t get a lot to write about, huh?” And I hollered, “Are you kidding?! Twenty-four hours with those people is like two weeks, in real time.”
Nancy told Toney they were going to leave their house at 6 am on Saturday, and would be arriving at our place between noon and 1 o’clock.
Around 10 I answered the phone, and it sounded like Nancy was calling from a middle school cafeteria. Utter chaos… It had been “a long morning,” she told me, and they were just now leaving. Shocking.
So, instead of noon, they rolled into town after 4 pm, and brought the school cafeteria with them. The volume level in our house went from zero to sixty in 10 seconds.
The see-thru children were all ratcheted-up on soy energy, or whatever, and each was carrying a large box of LEGO. Immediately the contents of each was dumped into the middle of our living room floor, and within minutes (literally minutes) the oldest translucent “lost” a piece and had a blood-red meltdown.
Nostrils brought us a variety pack of Sleeman beer, which was appreciated. I cracked open two Honey Brown Lagers, after Eninen declined, and handed one to Toney.
Nossy said he had to go for a run, and Nancy told us he’d become addicted to exercise. Yeah, I remember when he was “addicted to exercise” during the California years, and Sunshine caught him sitting on a wall around the corner from our house, smoking a cigarette. Wotta douche.
Toney and I talked to Nancy in the living room, amongst impossible noise, and we somehow got on the subject of baby names. Toney mentioned how it seemed like every other girl born in the 1960s was named Lisa, and Nancy (not her real name, of course) said, “And you know another name that was popular during that era? Nancy!”
I almost power-shat through upholstery.
I fetched us two more beverages, and took the opportunity to flee the scene. I went downstairs to the bunker, and passed Nossy in the family room doing his “stretches.” He was in the middle of the floor, in some kind of modified Karate Kid crane stance. And I barely made it out of the room before exploding in laughter.
I didn’t want to be completely rude, and only stayed on the computer for a few minutes. And when I went back upstairs Nostrildamus was almost ready for his run. He was wearing a ski jacket (semi-puffy), a ludicrous knit cap, and skin-tight sweat pants (over pipe cleaner legs), tucked into his socks.
I looked at Toney, to get her reaction, but she purposely wouldn’t make eye contact, trying to keep herself in check. So I just chuckled quietly down the neck of a beer bottle.
Nossy was gone for roughly ten minutes, came back and immediately took a shower. You know, because of his vigorous workout.
Then he started to make himself a bourbon and Coke, and approached me in his apprehensive, always-apologetic way. “Um, I hate to bother you with this, but do you have any fizzier Coke? I like my Coke really really fizzy.”
What the? I found an unopened two-liter bottle, and he let out a tiny shriek when he saw it. It was mildly disturbing.
I checked the bottle already in-use, and it wasn’t flat in the least. I poured a little in a glass, and it was as foamy as expected. What a grand gang of weirdos…
Toney made dinner, some kind of pasta with a vodka sauce. And as she was preparing it, she cleared her throat to get my attention. I looked over and saw her pouring an enormous amount of chicken broth into a pan.
Funny. Nancy would fly off the handle if she knew about all the liquefied fowl she ingests at our house, but instead proclaims it one of her favorite dishes, every single time.
After dinner we had some more norf of the border beer, and eventually the kids got ready for bed. We overheard Nancy telling the translucents to take off their underwear, before putting on their pajamas. Is that an accepted practice?? It makes no sense to me, and I prefer not to think about it.
And a little while later the youngest translucent was standing in the living room, with his arm rammed down the back of his pants. Eventually he removed it, and began inspecting his hand and wrist. Then he said to Nostrils, “Papa, I don’t think I remembered to clean my bum.”
Toney and I went to bed shortly thereafter, and she made a prediction I was ashamed hadn’t occurred to me. She said, “How much you want to bet he wakes up in the morning sick, because he went running in 30-degree weather?” Why, of course he would! Am I starting to slip already?!
Toney went to sleep, while I watched two episodes of Lou Grant on my laptop. I loved that show back in the day, and was worried my fondness for it might be shattered by harsh reality. But it turned out to be pretty good, even after all these years.
And the next morning Nostrils was sick. He’d developed an “aggressive” head cold during the night, and would need to spend most of the day in bed, he said.
Again, I wanted to slug myself in the genitalia for not predicting it.
The oldest translucent asked Nancy if she’d remembered to bring his purse. He said he wanted to put all his LEGO heads in there.
“His purse?!” Toney shouted. Yes, Nancy explained, he likes to carry his important things in a purse, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But Toney’s silent reaction indicated she didn’t completely agree.
A purse! Ho-ly shit. How long will it be before he starts filling it with real heads? Let’s see, he’s nine… maybe five years? Sweet sainted mother of Walter Bellhaven.
Mid-morning Nancy decided, just out of the blue, that it would be a good idea to have a portrait made of all the kids, to give to Sunshine as a Christmas present. This had never been discussed before, but she wanted to go to Sears or JCPenney right now.
Toney reluctantly agreed, and I told them they could count me out. No way in hell I’m getting myself mixed-up in such a slam-dunk fiasco; I’m pretty stupid, but not that stupid.
Nossy said he was also going to stay home, undoubtedly with a hot water bottle resting on his vagina. I wished everyone good luck, went to the bunker, and cranked up The Feelies on the stereo. Funk dat.
A half-hour or so later I went upstairs and Nostrils was laid out flat on the couch, like a man in a coffin. He’d brought the hammerhead dog inside. And because we don’t like that shit-eater to run free in our house (she’s bitten every one of us, including Andy), he had her on a leash. And the leash was wrapped several times around one of his legs, while he slept.
Oh, man… I seriously considered getting out the Secrets’ Flip camera, setting it up to record everything, then shaking a tennis ball in the dog’s face, and hurling it up the steps. Heh. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.
A little while later everyone returned from Sears (or whatever), and I guess the oldest translucent wouldn’t cooperate. He was pissed because Nancy wouldn’t let him wear his purse in the portrait (I swear it’s true…), so he kept blowing spit bubbles while the guy was trying to take the picture.
Eventually they got a halfway decent shot, and returned home. It was almost time for me to leave for work by then, so I told ’em to have a nice trip back to Canada, and got out of there.
“See you again on December 26!” Nancy hollered, as the door closed behind me.
And it was hard to believe it had been less than 24 hours. While driving I thought back to when Nancy had called from the school cafeteria, and it felt like it happened at least a week before.
But how much you want to bet the next month will go by real fast?