Today’s Update Was Hijacked By A Wedding Show On Cable TV

Toney’s home sick today.  I think it might be consumption or thrush, but I’m no doctor.  She’s watching a TV show in which four women attend each others’ weddings, and rate them in different categories.  I’ve seen it before, and it’s strangely addictive.

I was just up there talking with her, and started feeling myself getting sucked into that boolshit again.  But I was strong, and pulled myself away.

It reminded me of something, though…

Many years ago, my friend Bill and I went to Cincinnati to take in a few Reds games.  I think it was shortly after I moved to Greensboro, so mid-1980s?  A long time ago.

One day (probably a Saturday) we were drinking, and went out to get some more beer.  One of us farted REAL LOUD in the store, which we thought was the absolute pinnacle of comedy.  Then we passed a wedding on our way back to the hotel.

The bride and groom were just coming out the front door of the church, and everybody was throwing rice and cheering.  In front of the building was a long, swooping circular driveway, and I instinctively whipped my Chevy LUV truck onto it.

We were traveling at a high rate of speed around that thing, and as we passed the wedding Bill yelled out the window, “HOPE YOU GET LAID!!”

Every head turned our way, and we disappeared down the street — laughing our asses off.  It was so stupid, yet so goddamn funny.  The way everybody froze, and whipped their heads around…  I’ve laughed about that idiocy a thousand times through the years.

I wonder if it became family folklore, amongst the group of assembled strangers?  I bet it did.  I’m sure there were grandmas there, and elderly aunts.  And, based on all the cable shows, people apparently spend months and months planning those kinds of events?  Who knew?  Then, to have a couple of semi-drunk dumbasses drive through the middle of it, and holler “HOPE YOU GET LAID!!”  I have a feeling it made a lasting impression.

On that trip we stayed at the same hotel we’d stayed during our senior trip to King’s Island amusement park, a few years earlier.  It was a Holiday Inn Holidome, which was nice at the time.  But I guess it went downhill after that?

Anyway, during that earlier trip, everybody smuggled liquor in shampoo bottles.  And once we got settled into our rooms, we all sat around and passed bottles of Breck and Pert to each other.  “Hey man, give me another hit off that Head & Shoulders!”  It was absurd.

We stayed up all night, didn’t sleep one minute, and went to a Reds game the next day.  It was all a blur.  We drank all the shampoo booze, then sneaked away and bought beer at a Kroger store down the road.  Everybody was smashed.  And there were dozens of nuns at the grocery store, which only added to the weirdness of it all.

The so-called chaperones either didn’t know what was going on, or didn’t care.  Heck, they were probably drunk, too.  Here’s my only encounter with a chaperone on that trip:

Her:  Jeff, where do you think you’re going?
Me:  To the ice machine.
Her:  Oh, no you’re not.
Me:  Oh, yes I am.

While riding home from the game on the bus. everybody fell asleep.  At one point I jerked awake, and my head was on some black football player’s shoulder — who was also asleep.  Heh.

So, there you go.  I had another update planned, but six minutes of a wedding show completely hijacked things.  Sorry about that.  I’ll try to be more coherent tomorrow.

Have a great day, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
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22 Responses to “Today’s Update Was Hijacked By A Wedding Show On Cable TV”

  1. Uno?

    [Reply]

  2. The owner of a seedy hotel with the name Patel? How surprising!

    [Reply]

  3. When driving the Chevy LUV did anyone holler “I hope you get laid” at you?

    [Reply]

    Jeff Reply:

    Hey, that was one of the best vehicles I ever owned. I loved (luv’d?) that thing.

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    So the answer is no.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    Nobody gets laid because of a Chevy Luv.

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    cashoe Reply:

    As the current owner of the family auto body parts business, I can state that Ii have half a dozen doors for the aforementioned truck upstairs gathering dust, just in case you decide to find one to restore, to try to capture your glory days.

    More likely I’ll get tired of carrying all the old stock, try desperately to hawk it on ebay, then just call up the local scrap metal guy to haul it all away someday….

    Oh yeah, Don’t forget the Chevy Luv had a twin, the Isuzu P’up (or pup). same damn vehicle, except the emblems. Chevy bought the design and production rights straight from Isuzu.

    [Reply]

  4. That “Four Weddings and an Attitude” show sounds awful. The only thing that would rescue it was if they actively attempted to fuck up each other’s receptions. Now we got us some TV.

    jtb

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  5. we went to kings island for our senior trip too, class of 88!
    actually they still go there, but of course, 88 was the best.

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  6. “Breck” and “Pert”–Those brands are straight out of the Smithsonian!!

    Of course as a “follically-challenged” individual, shampoo is somewhat of a fond memory…

    [Reply]

    TooShabby Reply:

    Then how about “Gee You Hair Smells Terrific”… remember that one?

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    I also remember “Psssssst”. I think my S-count is correct, because the jingle played in my head while I was typing.
    .

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    I know I sure do miss my comb. I think it is in a box in the attic.

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    chill Reply:

    Pert still exists. I haven’t heard of Breck since the days when the term “creme rinse” was in use. Commercial-wise, I seem to recall that Wella Balsam allowed one to love one’s hair.

    I’m sure I have a comb around too, but it’s been many years since my hair was that short. It’s all about the brush now.
    .

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Breck is still in production and is now owned by — wait for it — Dollar Tree. It has fallen far since its founding by Dr. John H. Breck, Sr. in 1930.

    Cheryl Tiegs, Cybill Shepherd, Jaclyn Smith, Kim Basinger, Brooke Shields, Farrah Fawcett, and Christie Brinkley were all “Breck Girls”. I suppose that means they’re all Dollar Tree Girls these days, but that might violate the constitutional protection against ex post facto laws.

    Better check with the Dude. I’m pretty sure Christie Brinkley has consulted with him already.

    jtb

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  7. I shudder to think about what COULD have happened on some of those HS trips. Chaperones? Those are the adults you recognize and someone’s Mom/Dad who are partying down the hall and only come out for more ice, right?

    That’s what I thought.

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  8. Aw, it’s eating or weddings or pawn shops or rednecks or fucking home renovations 24 hours a day now.

    I’ve started watching some weird ass shows on Showtime. But I don’t catch much TV anymore.

    I nearly drowned during our Senior trip and it was on a damn cruise ship. Figure that out.

    [Reply]

  9. Awww crap…first it was light blue underwear and now it’s wedding shows. Jeeezzzze!

    [Reply]

    Root 66 Reply:

    Next he’ll be talking about hot water bottles and headaches! :)

    [Reply]

  10. That hotel is open again, it is still a dump and not a place I would ever stay unless I was looking for some hookers and blow.

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  11. I’m still laughing about teh “Hope you get laid!” event. I wish it was my wedding!

    [Reply]

  12. OMG — I totally forgot about the King’s Island Trip!

    [Reply]

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