I almost began this update with an apology, for missing last week’s dispatch, but I’m not going to do it. It reminds me too much of the old zine days, when the phrase “I’m sorry this issue is so late…” was the biggest cliché in town. So, like Kurt used to say before his head came off: no apologies. I’ll try not to let it happen again, though. …Dammit!
Today I have a few more Nancy tidbits for you guys. There’s not enough information flowing out of North (or is it South?) Carolina to turn this into a dedicated Nancy Newsletter, so don’t be getting all excited. But I do have three new items to pass along already. I hope you enjoy it.
Over the past weekend Nancy and Nostrils bought a normal-person Christmas tree, and she and the translucent children began to decorate it. (Nossy was bedridden with the sniffles again.) Usually Nancy insists on a living tree, with a giant burlap-wrapped root ball, but they’re renting this year and didn’t think the “uptight” landlord would approve.
In case you haven’t been keeping up with this saga, they now own two houses, but because of a series of bad decisions they’re also forced to rent a house, in which to live. Toney and Nancy didn’t speak for three months because of this. Toney was so disgusted with their perpetual chaos machine, that she washed her hands of the whole deal and told Nancy not to call anymore. Heh.
Anyway, the translucents couldn’t just decorate the tree like regular Earth children. Oh no, they turned it into an “adventure story.” These are elaborate, drawn-out spectacles usually featuring sword and sorcery, and always directed by the oldest see-thru weirdo – the one who has so-called episodes and needs to “roll” his mother’s elbow skin in order to bring himself back under control.
So, they turned this year’s tree decorating into a big production, or pageant, or whatever. Unfortunately, the story resolved itself before the job was completed, and now the tree is only decorated on the top half. The translucents will not allow another ball to be hung, because the story is over. The dragon was slain, so nobody can string another strand of tinsel. I mean, this is common knowledge, right?
And speaking of the see-thrus, the elbow-roller is now part of a robotics club at his school, and is having a few problems. There is apparently a pecking order, even amongst the catastrophically nerdy, and the translucent has been banished to the lowly position of “builder.” He has to do the grunt work, and isn’t allowed to participate in any of the planning or engineering.
Of course this is a direct result of Nancy and Nostrils only allowing their kids thirty minutes (or is it an hour?) of “screen time,” per day. When they say “screen” they mean computer or TV. They now have a television, but it’s not hooked up to cable or satellite, they’re only limited to the same ten or twelve VHS tapes. (That’s right, VHS.) One of them, I remember, shows heavy machinery digging holes in the ground, for 45 minutes.
And that kid doesn’t take too kindly to being relegated to a lesser role. He wants to be the main “planner,” and I fully expect there to be a rash of unsolved house fires in their area.
Finally, on Sunday Nancy said she finds it “disturbing” and “weird” that Toney doesn’t know more people who are having affairs, or going through a divorce because of fidelity issues. She said it’s a standard situation amongst her colleagues, and doesn’t understand why it would be any different with Toney’s acquaintances.
Toney was incredulous: “weird??” But Nancy eventually arrived at the conclusion that this area must be full of religious fanatics, and various low-brow kooks. And do you see why my wife occasionally tells her sister not to call anymore?
And that’s all I have for you guys today. There’s a 50/50 chance the Eninen gang will be up here between Christmas and New Years. We’ll see how that goes.
Have a great Monday, my friends.