Then Tragedy Struck: Help Me Create Doomsday Scenarios For These People

King Koach

  • It was a wonderful, care-free afternoon, until the wind kicked up.  Donna gasped when her hairpiece tore loose, and went sailing into the ravine.  Carl couldn’t stop laughing, and Donna’s husband Mike — who had been drinking Carling Black Label since 11 a.m. — tried to pretend the laughter didn’t bother him. For an hour he brooded, and continued to down beers.  Then, long after the incident had been forgotten by everyone else, Mike decided he could no longer accept the disrespect and killed them all, including the children.  Then he set fire to the rig, walked a hundred yards into the brush, and slit his own throat.
  • The afternoon couldn’t have been better: the weather was perfect, the scenery breathtaking.  Then a bee got into the trailer, and frightened Donna’s 400 lb. retarded brother, Gregory.  He was down below, watching Petticoat Junction, when he heard the buzzing sound, and thrashed the rig into nothing but a pile of metal ribbons.  Once the mountain cats were sure the party was helpless, they made their move.
  • The afternoon was a huge success.  The sky was blue, and the view was spectacular.  Laughter ricocheted around the canyon, and they all agreed this was one of their best outings to date.  Then something strange started happening.  It took a second or two before they realized they were moving, and the last thing any of them said — before they all died from massive, spectacular trauma — was Donna screaming, “Goddamnit, Carl!  The emergency brake!!”

Please help me doom these poor bastards to additional tragedies, in the comments section below.  If all goes well, we might make this a regular feature.  It feels like a winner to me, but I’m sometimes way off.

In any case, have a great weekend, my friends!

I’ll see you again soon.

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

39 Responses to “Then Tragedy Struck: Help Me Create Doomsday Scenarios For These People”

  1. I’m sad, I know but I saw No Comments and couldn’t resist

    don’t judge me

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    WB in OH Reply:

    It’s worse than a heroin addiction, ain’t it?

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  2. Shitter’s FULL !!!!

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  3. I could not possibly improve on the first one.

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  4. The day started out as so many others of the Reingold family camping trips- warm sun, cold beer and plenty of laughs. Who could have guessed that the combination of forgotten pork sausages cooking on the propane stove, cheap highly flammable foam insulation and the lack of a 2nd means of escape would be so lethal.

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  5. Dale lost the the instructions for the Do-It-Yourself Camper Kit and decided to go it alone. After he finished the assembly, he has a bagful of leftover nuts and bolts….just like an Ikea shelving unit.

    Once on the road, he started up a steep mountainside hill.. The camper began to slide off the bed of the truck, along with Kimmy, Chucky, and baby Dennis. Dale suddenly realized where the leftover nuts and bolts should have gone.

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  6. “Retarded”??? Oh dear……

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  7. Three seconds to Sasquatch!

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  8. “Honey…come on up. The Kool-Aid is ready.”
    “Be right up dear.” Russell knew his plan had begun and taken hold. A couple of months ago Peggy and Russell decided to once and for all put an end to their tag along neighbors and their ill mannered, obnoxious, whiny kids. He knew within a few minutes they would all be gone. He had plans for Peggy too.

    “”Here you go. Matt. You and Bobby wanted grape and Parker, you and little Kent wanted cherry. And Ken, I know you like root beer and Leslie wanted orange. Sooo…drink up everybody. Cheers”, Peggy announced. Everyone raised their cup as a toast and enjoyed their cold beverage. Soon it was very quiet with the neighbors now all dead. While Peggy continued to go on and on about perfect things went, Russell made margaritas for their celebration. Peggy too, quickly lay dead. Russell sat back and finally enjoyed the peace and quiet for the first time in over ten years.

    As dusk settled in he began to remove the bodies into the brush for the coyotes, mountain lions and bears to dispose of. While dragging the fourth body deeper into the cover, he disrupted a large wasp nest and in his panic, stepped into a now active group of rattlesnakes. They say you can still hear his screams, echoing just about sunset, breaking the peace and quiet.

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  9. Somehow little Bobby found himself first in line for Diedre’s wasabi colon cleansing treatment.

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  10. Alice and Sam the ‘Butcher’ threw the truck out of “Park” and the next season of “The Brady Bunch” was abruptly canceled…

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  11. Sorry DaveF, we had a similar idea.

    The Reece family were having a grand time in their new, state of the art “Camp Utility Nature Transporter” from the Milwaukee’s own Pimp My Pickup. Around 1:30 that afternoon, all members but one retired to the “Sun Porch”. Teddy stayed below to “clean up” following delicious meal of slow roasted Haggis and Mash, prepared in the in-cabin propane stove. In all actuality, Teddy was a chronic masturbator and needed his mid-afternoon “care package” as he liked to call it. Unbeknownst to him, the build up of propane from a faulty stove valve was slowly smothering him, thus exposing him to his first and only experience of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Upon wrapping up, lightheaded and very satisfied, he decided for a post-performance cigarette. The camper immediately turned into fireball, throwing the flaming Reece family in all directions. The only survivor was little Ceefus, the baby in the picture. He experience massive brain injuries, permanently 8 months old and shitting in a diaper the rest of his 43 years. He died when his caretaker smothered him with a pillow, stating to the police, “I just got tired of sponge-bathing this Mongoloid at Medicaid rates.”

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  12. Everything was fine and dandy. The Drzewiecki family enjoyed many good times in their double-decker Kamp King Koach over the years until one by one they died premature deaths cause by overexposure to the off-gassing ‘kemicals’ used to finish the interior of this god-forsaken monstrosity.

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  13. We cannot help these people.

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  14. “The sign said clearance at the twelve foot line, but that camper went up to thirteen-nine.” Sorry good buddy.

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    hockeykevin Reply:

    Anytime someone uses a Wolf Creek Pass reference, they get a tip of the fez from me! Well played sir or madam. Bill Fries would be proud…

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  15. “Breaker Breaker 19. This is the ‘Koo Koo House’… What’s your 20?”

    “We are in your basement Koo Koo with Gregory. We need the keys to the cuffs”

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  16. A plague upon their ignorance, and the gray despair of their ugly lives.
    .

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  17. Two families were brutally murdered yesterday outside Prescott, Arizona when they accidentally camped next to a week long Winnebago jamboree. The self named, “Winnebago Reapers”, attacked the families after celebrating three days of campfires and drinking during their annual, “Naked as a Bluejay Hootenanny”. Expressing complete disdain for the intruders, the WR’s spokesman Luke Castor said, “Just who in the hell do they think are? Look at that shit box they drive around in. We’re gonna burn that fucking thing to the ground after the cops get out of here. Cops said they wouldn’t mind”.

    It should be noted that two years ago these same two families narrowly escaped death near Clear Lake , Iowa when they asked to join an Airstream caravan on its way to Florida.

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    William Rainey Reply:

    Like!! A truly brutal tale; my fave kind of story. D L S V AC. is MY guilty pleasure.

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  18. “Hey honey come on down, there’s a cute little baby bear cub over he”…………..”Frank! Frank! There’s a mama bear and she’s coming right to the camper. Run!!!!”
    No…No…don’t climb back up the ladder, she’ll knock us all into the ravine! 2 hours later: the new guy’s puking in the corner while the coroner’s looking the scene over: “I didn’t know a pile of humans could make such a mess.”

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  19. On the first Saturday of June, Bob and Carol were having a fine time with their family, enjoying the freedom that was being provided by their brand new Kamp King Koach. So fine a time that even Aunt Mildred’s annoying beehive hairdoo and kronic flatulence were forgotten. However, unbeknowst to them, the Benson family had picked the wrong hillside for a family outing. Bob noticed the smoky odor first. He klimbed the kamper ladder. “Carol, is that the bratwurst?” It was not. Carol, being atop the kamper, then noticed that the kanyon hills were ablaze. “Bob, the hills are ablaze!” Bob kompleted his ascent of the Kamp King Koach konvenient ladder. “Fuck.” The Benson family took kwick action, but not kwick enough. As flames engulfed the tragic Benson brood, all that kould be heard were Carol’s plaintive kries of “You asshole, that is the last time I listen to you.”

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    hockeykevin Reply:

    Shouldn’t that be Karol?

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  20. Well that escalated quickly.

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  21. FYI — I tweaked my second story, to hopefully make it funnier. The night terror scenario wasn’t very good.

    Thanks for the stories! Keep ‘em coming.

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  22. ***OFF TOPIC***

    Is anyone else outraged thatt Monopoly nixed the iron in favor of the new cat token? Well, Nancy and the translucents ought to be. That iron was wedged into a stick of butter as I recall…

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    I heard they were taking suggestions as to which piece should be replaced…the iron, the top hat and one other that I can’t remember at the moment. Why does EVERYTHING have to change? People just can’t leave shit alone anymore. They “new and improve” everything to death.

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    chill Reply:

    Seriously. Why was it necessary to get rid of one of the pieces? At least now, if you have a Monopoly with the iron, it will be a collector’s item.
    .

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    CitizenX Reply:

    Yeh I saw that. Cat is cute and no one ever wanted to be the iron anyway :/

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  23. KKK?

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Jesus, I never even caught that connection. I wonder if they have a big ole cross inside.

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  24. Everything was going fine as the Griswalds carefully made their way along the interstate. Clark slowed down as they approached an overpass, judging the distance carefully so they wouldn’t get stuck. Then disaster struck – the Kamp King Koach was destroyed by a ruthless random act of littering. The police report showed that the sign had been stolen, and later installed at a shopping mall in China….

    http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2013/02/no-killer-littering.jpg

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  25. The Smiths were enjoying a post election day outing. They were gleeful and proud that they had done their civic duty as good Americans.

    Suddenly, a bear ran out of the woods and attacked them one by one. They couldn’t defend themselves as the government had revoked the 2nd ammedment and taken their guns. The children couldn’t help as they had been brainwashed in school into thinking that animals should be treated ethically.

    Donna and Mike survived the attack, but couldn’t call for help as their Obama-phones were dead. They clawed and scratched their way down the mountain to the nearest road, hoping to find police or an ambulance. Sadly, they found no help as the county had spent all their money educating the children of illegal immigrants and had to fire the police and EMTs.

    Struggling forward, they amazingly stumbled upon the county hospital, but it was to no avail. Mike’s employer had decided just days earlier that Obama-Care was too expensive, and elected to pay the fine [err...tax] and dropped Mike’s health coverage.

    Wounded, exhausted and without medical attention, Donna and Mike died in the street in front of the hospital. The cause of death?????…… bleeding hearts.

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    Fancy Pants Maguire Reply:

    still a little sore from the last election, huh?

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    Wisey in TTown Reply:

    Best one yet

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    Max Reply:

    Brilliant!

    [Reply]

  26. Avid UFOlogists Stewart and Lane Weber took their families on an outing to hopefully catch a glimpse of the recent sightings of strange lights seen in the northwest skies over a portion of the remote New Mexico desert. They came equipped with a specially outfitted camper complete with an 8′ x 12′, 5000 watt halogen spot light. They parked in the direction the lights had been spotted and planned to send 15 second blasts of the high power light every three minutes into the moonless sky.

    Everyone was anxious waiting for day to turn to night. The brothers went about testing all the systems, making sure every thing preformed without a hitch. As night fell the darkness grew deeper and deeper until the landscape became a pitch black sea. There was not a hint of a breeze and the family talked in hushed whispers. The children did not make a sound as Stewart and Lane went about repeating their sequence in silence, scanning the heavens for any sign of recognition. Then, just before they marked their first hour, lights. Lights moving at incredible speed from the west in a north, northeast direction. Three lights in the all too familiar triangular design and the brothers started flashing their beacon more rapidly. All at once the lights spread out seemingly to face in their direction and dropped lower in the sky, appearing to suspend in mid-air. The men turned on their cameras while the lights grew larger and brighter. There was no sound. Not even of anyone breathing. Everyone watched as the lights became brighter and brighter, larger and larger when it became quite evident the lights were headed straight for them. The lights continued to approach in silence and without a silhouette of form. In a moment…they were all gone.

    The official report stated that at approximately 22:00 an unauthorized extremely high powered light source was neutralized for being in a restricted and highly classified, secure area in the southwest desert. A drone was dispatched to unleash its full complement of armaments, reducing the signaling device, being operated by possible terrorists, to nothing more than an unrecognizable smoldering layer of fine ashes.

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  27. While the Griswald’s were having the vacation of their life in their brand new Kamp King Koach, an nearby unmanned drone on a traing mission became self- aware. It decided the fate of the Griswald’s in a nanosecond.

    North Korea takes credit.

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  28. Tragedy struck last week in the mountains when two vacationing families ran out of gas in a remote area. Seen in the last photo taken by one of the campers before their fate, the starving family members were ushered one-by-one onto the pitched aluminum roof of their Kamp King Koach, given a giant shove, and propelled over the side of the mountain overlook in hopes they would each make it to the bottom of the canyon to find relief. Sadly, they became a meal for the wolves, bears and mountain lions of the wilderness.

    A memorial service will be held Saturday at the overlook at 1:00 PM. Note: Please leave word with friends if you will be attending and an expected time of your return.

    [Reply]

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