Ridiculous adventures in suburbia
I went to lunch at Taco Bell today, and the dude at the counter just stood there, all droopy and vacant. He didn’t say, “May I take your order?” “Go!” or anything of the sort. It appeared his face muscles had atrophied, and he was unable to power an expression.
Clearly, he was waiting for me to order, but I decided in the blink of a lazy eye that I needed a greeting first. So, I just stood there too. It was a Mexican standoff, in a house of Mexican knockoffs. And I wasn’t budging, goddammit.
Finally he mumbled, “Help you?” (victory!) and I ordered three of the $1 Grillers, and a medium drink. It cost $4.24. It’s a lot of food, and a hell of a deal. Those Grillers are the way to go. Have you had those babies? I fully endorse them.
But, there was a bottleneck at the counter, and about five people were waiting on their food. Grrr… One guy was standing there for at least ten minutes, until a woman screamed, “One soft taco?!” The dude snatched the bag from her hand, and left. He waited all that time for a single taco? Wow.
I finally got my order, and chose one of the booths that don’t squeeze my gut too badly. Many of the seats there are apparently made for Japanese children, or something, and the edge of the table eats into my liver. But I’m a veteran, and know where to find the widest clearance.
A youngish couple sat down beside me, and I noticed immediately that the woman had some sort of Hanna-Barbera cartoon voice. I ate my Grillers, and contemplated whether or not I would be able to stay in a relationship with a voice like that. Every time she opened her mouth, it would go straight through my brain stem. She could be the sweetest person in the world, but I’d only be able to think of her as The Voice.
As I was finishing up, a large group of teenagers arrived, and I braced for obnoxiousness and noise. But every one of them was well-behaved, and clean-cut. Baptists! It only takes a few seconds to identify them. There’s a Baptist Bible College nearby, and I encounter these curious groups of nice and courteous teens quite regularly. It’s disconcerting, if you want to know the truth. But I was glad for the continued peace in there. Well, peace, except for Penelope Pitstop, of course.
What the hell is growing on this guy’s head?!
After I left Taco Bell, I went to the library, to write this update. And seated 15 feet from me was some guy with a giant growth on the side of his head. I snapped a photo, of course.
What do you think that thing is? And does he shave it? It might have been my imagination, but I thought I could see his heart beating; the growth seemed to be expanding and contracting. I couldn’t look away. It was mesmerizing, not unlike John-Boy’s mole.
Some quality links discovered this week
My brother sent me this one, about some wacked-out dude who keeps getting arrested for having sex with pool toys.
At first I thought, “So what?” They sell inflatable women (with Greek features), don’t they? Then I read the article, and I guess he did it in front of a bunch of kids at a public pool? Yeah, that might’ve been a bridge too far…
I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but never mounted an inflatable. Aren’t the seams kinda jagged? My mind throws up a lot of red flags, as I contemplate a “session” with a floatie, or whatever. A guy could shear his wiener clean off.
Here’s a description, and artist’s rendering (no photos allowed!), of what’s inside Prince’s fridge. Yeah, it’s as freaky-deaky as one might imagine. Yak milk?! Five pounds of Dunk-a-roos? What the shit?
Our old friend Buck alerted me to this Russian tampon commercial. If you haven’t seen it, be sure to check it out. American tampon ads are so tame, compared to the Russkies. Sure, they might be a little behind us on technology, and it’s true we won the space race. But they’re clearly leading the way on tampon advertising.
Finally, Surf Reporter Melissa told me about a guy who is soliciting donations to help start mass production of his invention, Tiny Diapers for the Tip of Your Penis. Here’s his pitch video. I think he might be on to something! He’s solving a very real problem: male spotting. Heh.
What’s going on in today’s bunker pic??
We had some interesting things going on in the bunker this week, like this, and this. But Friday’s activities were the most intriguing, I think. Please help me understand what’s happening in that shot. It’s clickable, in case you need to see a larger version.
I also posted it at the Surf Report Facebook page, and there are already a lot of comments. Check it out. If you haven’t LIKED the so-called fan page, please do so. I post a lot of ridiculous crap there, and wouldn’t want you to miss out.
This will get better with time
Thanks for joining me for another interesting week at the West Virginia Surf Report. I have almost two full pages of notes, on the stuff I’d like to include in these Friday wrap-ups. So, give me a little time to implement them, and I think this will turn out to be a lot of fun. If you have any suggestions for links, or whatever, please feel free to send them to jeff at thewvsr.com.
Thanks guys! I have the whole weekend off, then need to work eleven days in a row. Therefore, I’m going to indulge in a little o’ the item to the right.
See you on Monday!