It’s true that the years are now clicking by like South of the Border signs on the way to Myrtle Beach, but there are exceptions. Many exceptions.
For instance, this morning I got a wild hair up my ass (what’s the origin of that phrase?) to download the three must-own Aerosmith albums from the ’70s: Get Your Wings, Rocks, and Toys in the Attic. Aerosmith isn’t my favorite band on the planet, but those records are essential.
So, I powered up my laptop, and iTunes prompted me to upgrade to a new version. I’m quite OCD about keeping all my programs and software up to date, so I instinctively hit the upgrade button.
Then it felt like I was in a state of suspended animation.
The clocks stopped for a few minutes, then started moving backwards. It seemed like I was growing a beard, and cobwebs were forming. If I’d looked out the window I’m convinced I would’ve seen a film montage of the sun rising and setting, with a lot of fast-moving clouds in between.
The green bar inched its way to the right, and it took FOREVER. I was howling in protest, just a-bitchin’ up a storm. Finally it got to the end, and triggered a second stage, something to do with album artwork.
“Unbelievable!” I shouted, the whites of my eyes turning to crimson.
Eventually, after an impossible length of time, it was finished. I had to reboot (also irritating), and everything was finally, finally back to normal. Holy crap, what an excruciating experience…
Total real-time investment: about four minutes. But man, they were looooong jailhouse minutes. I seriously didn’t think I was going to make it.
Also, there’s an ATM at work that insists on spitting out a receipt after every transaction. I don’t like ATM receipts, but this machine doesn’t offer an opt-out. So, I have to hang around and wait for it to print.
And there’s an unacceptable lag between money and receipt, that makes me absolutely insane. I stand there and scream at the thing: “HURRY!” And my co-workers exchange “holy shit” glances.
Another situation where time stands still:
At fast food restaurants, in line behind some shitbox who insists on asking a million questions, and has apparently never been inside a McDonald’s before.
“It’s a Big Mac, you idiot! The most famous sandwich on Earth!! Even in the darkest jungles of Africa they know it has lettuce on it. Just place your order and move your prissy ass to the left.”
Perhaps I’m a tad tightly wound? I don’t think so, though. I’m a laid-back dude. And since I was complaining about time moving too quickly, maybe I should be happy about the things that slow everything down for a few minutes?
Hey, don’t muddy the waters with your logic, man. I’ve got a life to lead here, and don’t have the patience for upgrades, receipts, fast food showboaters, and the like.
What other things cause time to stand still? There are a million of ’em. Help me out in the comments, won’t you?
And I’m gonna go to work now. My last day of the week… But Wednesdays are always extra-fun. I really wish I could write about work. God, so many stories… Oh well.
See ya tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.