The Things That Make Time Stand Still
Remember when I was whining a few days ago, about time moving too fast? Well, I’d like to amend my statement…
It’s true that the years are now clicking by like South of the Border signs on the way to Myrtle Beach, but there are exceptions. Many exceptions.
For instance, this morning I got a wild hair up my ass (what’s the origin of that phrase?) to download the three must-own Aerosmith albums from the ’70s: Get Your Wings, Rocks, and Toys in the Attic. Aerosmith isn’t my favorite band on the planet, but those records are essential.
So, I powered up my laptop, and iTunes prompted me to upgrade to a new version. I’m quite OCD about keeping all my programs and software up to date, so I instinctively hit the upgrade button.
Then it felt like I was in a state of suspended animation.
The clocks stopped for a few minutes, then started moving backwards. It seemed like I was growing a beard, and cobwebs were forming. If I’d looked out the window I’m convinced I would’ve seen a film montage of the sun rising and setting, with a lot of fast-moving clouds in between.
The green bar inched its way to the right, and it took FOREVER. I was howling in protest, just a-bitchin’ up a storm. Finally it got to the end, and triggered a second stage, something to do with album artwork.
“Unbelievable!” I shouted, the whites of my eyes turning to crimson.
Eventually, after an impossible length of time, it was finished. I had to reboot (also irritating), and everything was finally, finally back to normal. Holy crap, what an excruciating experience…
Total real-time investment: about four minutes. But man, they were looooong jailhouse minutes. I seriously didn’t think I was going to make it.
Also, there’s an ATM at work that insists on spitting out a receipt after every transaction. I don’t like ATM receipts, but this machine doesn’t offer an opt-out. So, I have to hang around and wait for it to print.
And there’s an unacceptable lag between money and receipt, that makes me absolutely insane. I stand there and scream at the thing: “HURRY!” And my co-workers exchange “holy shit” glances.
Another situation where time stands still:
At fast food restaurants, in line behind some shitbox who insists on asking a million questions, and has apparently never been inside a McDonald’s before.
“It’s a Big Mac, you idiot! The most famous sandwich on Earth!! Even in the darkest jungles of Africa they know it has lettuce on it. Just place your order and move your prissy ass to the left.”
Perhaps I’m a tad tightly wound? I don’t think so, though. I’m a laid-back dude. And since I was complaining about time moving too quickly, maybe I should be happy about the things that slow everything down for a few minutes?
Hey, don’t muddy the waters with your logic, man. I’ve got a life to lead here, and don’t have the patience for upgrades, receipts, fast food showboaters, and the like.
What other things cause time to stand still? There are a million of ‘em. Help me out in the comments, won’t you?
And I’m gonna go to work now. My last day of the week… But Wednesdays are always extra-fun. I really wish I could write about work. God, so many stories… Oh well.
See ya tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Filed under: Daily
Foist.
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2!
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Turning lane arrow when ther is noone waiting to turn.
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Funny you should ask. Today, it’s waiting for people to call back after leaving them messages about my hot water heater “incident” this morning. Long story short: leak, water everywhere, swampy downstairs (but no frogs yet). You’d think they’d be more than happy to take a couple of hard-earned dollars out of my hands.
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Mudpup, funny you should mention the turning lane arrow…here in Pittsburgh, try making a left onto the 10th St. Bridge from 2nd Avenue inbound during rush hour. The green arrow at that intersection is approximately 3.75 seconds long, and if someone is dicking around in line and not paying attention (and there always is), you will sit through 3 or 4 light cycles minimum before you are able to make that left. That is one instance when time stands still.
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Top Ten and even read the update, oh i have so many people to thank…
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Waiting for the end of the Topic Dump.
Waiting rooms at the doctors office are time portal to nowhere.
That last half hour of the work week, I swear a person could read War and Peace in that half hour.
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Turning my work computer on every morning. I’ve gotten in the habit of just turning it on, then going off to drink the morning caffeine. It’s usually done by the time I get back, but not always…
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I’m in again!
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Waiting for the end of the week Topic Dump.
Waiting rooms at the doctors office are time portal to nowhere.
That last half hour of the work week, I swear a person could read War and Peace in that half hour.
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Sorry for the double post, I thought I stopped it time to fix it.
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in time…I gotta go.
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Waiting in the dealership for your car to be serviced. How long does it take to change the oil and rotate the tires? Apparently, it takes two hours. And never, ever take it in around lunchtime. Then, it takes three hours. Three hours with the people of Walmart.
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Waiting to exit an airplane after it lands is excruciating. Everyone takes their sweet ass time getting their crap out of the overhead bins, and meanwhile, you’ve been suffering from PAS for the last hour, dying to stand up. Come on, people! Hustle!
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I don’t have a comment on today’s topic. I’m just a pillar of patience.
I do want to comment on the pic under Classic. How interesting! The Mexican family goes through a lot of sody-pop, the Eyetalians a lot of bread, and the Dong family from China has a lot of dong-shaped food on their table. The pic of the family from Chad is beyond words.
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Damn it I’m late!
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Church Hymns.
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oh and sermons too.
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Top 20! Whewt!!!
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Furniture shopping with one’s elderly parents, awaiting your turn in the dentist’s/doctor’s waiting room, and extra innings in a baseball game.
Speaking of the dentist’s waiting room, I was in one yesterday , aging roughly one year per minute, and I couldn’t help but notice that someone had “redecorated” the place by putting decals on the walls. Happy flowers with toothy grins? Nope. Try spooky black, leafless trees and roughly two hundred ominous birds, also in silhouette, in and around the trees. WTF?! I felt like Tippi Hedren in the phone booth. I know I’m risking a mass generalization here, but dentists have really strange ideas about what would be soothing for their patients.
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This is unassailable and non-negotiable…EVERY ONE of y’all here knows this one: Waiting in a cashier line at WalMart while EACH of the FIVE customers in front of you is not only writing a check, but waits until the items are FINISHED being rung up before FINALLY reaching into their overstuffed purses to first LOCATE the checkbook, and then BEGINNING to write: W……………A……………L………….M……..
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traffic. there’s a school that was on my way to work that unloaded its busses on the single-lane road that goes through staten island. it takes 20 minutes to unload those busses, backing up traffic 3 or 4 miles in each direction.
It caused me to vomit in anger.
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for the lady down the hall from me to finish a sentence. Holy Buckets. slow talkers. UGH
very good ones WB and Linda.
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WAITING ON JEFF’S BOOK TO HIT SHELVES
WAITING ON THE NEW SEASONS OF WEEDS AND DEXTER TO COME OUT
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The three slowest periods of time on earth are the last hour of work, stoplights and the last few miles to your house when you have to shit.
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time stands still at subway.
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also when you are waiting for your parents to go to sleep so you can sneak out for the night.
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Waiting for the 700MB file I just sent via FTP from my UNIX server to get to the UNIX server running under Hyper-V on Windows 2008 server, but the damn thing keeps forgetting it is on the correct network even though resolv.conf, /etc/hosts and DNS are all setup PERFECTLY IT STILL CRASHES AT THE END OF THE BLOODY FILE!!! AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!!
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sometimes I feel like time is standing still between updates! Specifically when I am bored.
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25% of the time pumping gas is in the last 20 cents. Grrrr.
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The last 2 hours of the day at work…..Excruciating.
I agree with Rat Bastard about the 10th St bridge in PGH. Except I am turning left onto it from Carson St. The left turn arrow at the light is very short and there is always some dickbeater in front of me with no where to go, drinking coffee, reading the paper and texting, driving some piece of shit hoopty. By the time he realizes that the green arrow means GO ASSHOLE, we sit through another light.
I have NO patience for anything so I could go on forever about the things that stop the clock. I always thought patience would come with age. But I find it just the opposite.
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Waiting behind some banshee of a woman at the Redbox who looks like she just crawled out of her den 5 minutes ago as she scans each and *every* movie with her index sausage, face 5 inches away from the screen the entire time… only to get nothing. Especially prone to happen when all you need to do is return your movie.
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IDOT is doing a bunch of construction on the busy road my office is on, and to actually get into town, I have to go over an overpass with a stop light. The town I work in is a truck stop town, and pretty much has nothing but gas stations. fast food, and my office. I am not exaggerating, it took me 8 minutes to get from one side of the overpass to the other yesterday. The semi drivers are notorious for pulling out in front of people because no one will wave them in the flow of traffic, so I don’t blame them for doing it, but I still get pissed because that’s where the backups are created.
Also, Friday afternoons are usually extremely slow here (no phone calls, emails answered etc), and us girls just sit here for what feels like days.
Traffic court is always excruciating.
Waiting for Comcast to fix whatever is usually wrong with it.
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For me, time is standing still right now. I’m a teacher, and it’s the last week of school (dang snow days!!). I swear, Monday was three weeks ago, and we still have two days of school left. Pray for me, Surf Reporters!
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The time it took my ex to reach orgasm. Civilizations rose and fell…black holes swallowed entire galaxies in that time. Numerous groin muscles were pulled and snapped. Head pipes were burst.
That enough?
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Wow, I just looked at the WVSR Classic link. I guess it’s true… most Americans really don’t eat any fruits or vegetables.
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People that don’t stop at the stop lines at red lights, and stay so far back from the intersection that they don’t even cross the embedded traffic detection loops… Way to go asshole, now we gotta wait for either somebody to come to the light on the other side or the extended time out to run its course… WTF are they scared of? The very same people probably stop on top of railway tracks when the lights red.
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Standing in line at the post office on my lunch hour.
First, some fucking blue hair old bitch wants to peruse a dozen sheets of stamps before buying some. Do I want the birds or the flowers? When did they come out with the Purple Heart stamp? You know my husband was in the war……. Get the fuck out of my road. They are fucking stamps, you are not purchasing fine art you old biddy.
Then, some 500 pound fat ass trailer park trash with scabby arms needs a money order for $104.22 for the electric bill and takes five minutes searching her purse for the 22 cents. Of course, she is too stupid to have a checking account and pay the bill like normal humans. Die, you hog.
Then some dick has 5 packages to be weighed and insured and the counter person moves like a sloth. Probably shipping butt plugs he sold on ebay. Faggot.
And my wife wonders why I want to kill people.
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Further Evidence: like a train wreck…couldn’t stop looking… FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!!!
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Time stood still for me today when I got in line behind a woman making an exchange and she had a cart-full of other stuff and couldn’t decide what she wanted to buy with her credit. The clerk just stood there like a dummy while this idiot looked from item to item and tried to figure out which ones of them added up to her credit amount.
I was trying to buy a $2.99 whisk and I had to stand in line over 10 minutes for that. Wait……I might be the idiot here.
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I have the same problem Kristen. My computer at work takes at least an hour to “warm up”. Sometimes i just want to slam it into a piece of steel or the concrete. Also people on the road who want to drive under the speed limit. Most of the time I start falling asleep or I want to slam into them just to make them move.
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How about on par 5′s the John Daly wanna be that tees off 220 yards and has 325 yards to the pin. He has to wait for the foursome in front of him to get off the green because he thinks he can make the green in two. Without fail this assrabbit will not even come close to the green. Every minute spent on the tee box watching this douchebag seems like an hour.
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@ Alex – I agree with that, I also hate too when we are waiting in a line of traffic (at a light or somesuch) and there is a guy who leaves a signifigant gap between himself and the car in front of him. I know you’re supposed to give yourself some room in case of a rear end collision, but I’m talking like 2 car lengths worth of space. For some reason that always drives me crazy, especially if I’m behind them.
Oh, another one, waiting for a semi to take off from a light. Takes them so long the lights already red again by the time I get to the line.
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What I can’t stand are the dadgum French. Using all od those foreign words and eating those heavy sauces. They think that they’re so dadgum special.
Wait, what was the question of the day?
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Oh yeah, sorry….
Those dadgum French are always in my way, slowing me down when I’m in a hurry. Just pisses me off.
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Let’s talk about those damn ATMs. Some of them, usually in areas of ill-repute or airports, they beep at 10 billion decibels to alert everyone that your now have a fresh wad of cash. Everyone of those wretched beeps takes ten lifetimes to rip through my skull. I feel like I need a knife when I turn around because every crook and bum in the universe is going to try to jump me for that individual crisp $20 bill I just withdrew to pay for parking.
Seeing someone see you see them break or damage your property, and waiting for them to acknowledge that they just busted your shit.
When my wife stops talking just long enough to convince me she is done and I can start watching TV again, then starts talking some more. That moment the first sound after the long pause wrenches my mind.
The moment that I realize the lawn mower just broke down and it will take twice as long to fix it than to finish the grass that hasn’t yet been cut.
Running out of water during a desert hike. There is no longer stretch of time from the last drop of water on the trail to the first one back in civilization.
Having to say “Yes” to the question “Would you like to put all of that on this card.” This only happens to me at Target stores and I hat it. I want to punch the card slicer thing in the screen.
I think that I am serving eternity in the first level of hell during any amount of any level of basketball play.
The last pitch of a perfect game lasts forever, but in a good way.
Waiting for anybody to do anything that allows me to finish my task.
I my memory serves me right, every class in high school lasted infinity, they are in fact still probably going on and my brain has simply developed this Matrix like world I’ve lived in for the past 10 years. I am probably still in sophomore year biology or earth science and none of this or any of you are real.
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Jerry Lewis kinda pisses me off, too.
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Why have express lanes in grocery stores raised the item limit over the years. Next to all the 15 item “Express” lanes there should be one “Hurry the hell up and get the hell out” lane. 3 items or less, exact change or credit/debit only.
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Driving from Newport, KY to Poor Michaels bar in Fairfield, OH.
I went there back in January and I think I’m still driving back.
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icecycle66:
i dumped my last girlfriend because she liked to “talk”… but all i heard was static.
The time from when she would open her mouth until blessed silence was an eternity of full-body tension and hyper-high blood pressure…
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I waited four months for Washington Gas to fix a gas leak (!) in front of my house. They sent “emergency responders” four times, and I had three visits from the fire department.
Today my client yakked for *two hours* while I had to smile and nod, extracting the occasional crucially important piece of information. Meanwhile I’m on deadline; got LOTS of work to do, and not much time.
Left lane bandits: those dickfaces who drive 10 under the speed limit in the left lane. Not that Americans have any concept of lane discipline anyway.
Skully, blame the Windows side. You’ll be right 99% of the time. “Windows server”? Those words don’t go together.
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Slow people should be kicked in the neck
My personal slow people pet peeve: the people on my express bus who yell out from their seat for the next stop and after he stops slowly get up, grab all their shit, lumber down the aisle and then walk down the steps like a toddler just learning to navigate stairs.
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I am waiting for the Government and BP to plug a leaky hole in the ocean……
I am waiting…….
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airandee – agreed.
Generalization of course but people not with the program in general are trying. ‘Office politics’ in general makes me want to slam my face on my desk.b
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t-storm: drop a turd for me in the “charming” bathrooms of Jungle Jim’s.
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@Chuck…
You’re on quite a roll. If I burst a blood vessel reading one of your comments, I hope you’ll send my loved ones a nice card. “Civilizations rose and fell…”
I experienced the same time dilation effect with my first wife. I actually went to my dentist and doctor and got diagnosed with temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ). Once I was on my own, it went away. Seems that not keeping my mouth wide open and my tongue whipping around for two hours at a time improved the function of the jaw joint. And yes, I know what the hell I’m doing. She was just a little slow.
I suspect I missed an entire ice age.
jtb
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@airandee… Don’t know whether you were referencing the LF poem or not. Here’s the first verse for reference. The wonderful old man is 91 and still active in San Francisco…jtb
.
I AM WAITING
I am waiting for my case to come up
and I am waiting
for a rebirth of wonder
and I am waiting for someone
to really discover America
and wail
and I am waiting
for the discovery
Of a new symbolic western frontier
and I am waiting
for the American Eagle
to really spread its wings
and straighten up and fly right
and I am waiting for the Age of Anxiety
to drop dead
and I am waiting
for the war to be fought
which will make the world safe
for anarchy
and I am waiting for the final withering away
of all governments
and I am perpetually awaiting
a rebirth of wonder
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@airandee…
Turns out you didn’t get the last word. That position is held by a guy who lives in the middle of the ocean. Check it out.
In any case, it’s good to remember that the form
“if a then b”
is not commutative. That is, it doesn’t imply
“if b then a”.
So being last doesn’t make you anything at all except last.
For onlookers, this is a reference to the colorful discussion of yesterday. Check out the last two comments….jtb
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
– Steven Wright
Chuck? Women have orgasms too?
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I thought It was my own personal flaw about patience. glad to know I am not alone. I too, hate the people that write checks. Now really, has the idea of a debit card not floated by you?? One day I was behind three people in three different places. At the last place I told the punk cashier it was my lucky day, everyone is writing f..ing checks!! he seemed a little frightened.
driving gets me..women!! I am a GIRL and I can drive like a pro. some women just sit there, slack jawed and having no clue what is going on.
I have a dumb ass sister in law, due for her first baby in two weeks who hasn’t bought diapers, formula, has the carseat but doesn’t have it in the car(it looks dumb) and doesn’t have a bag packed. I mean come on!! You women can side with me on this one. I am tempted to break into her house and do all this for her. note: she is unmarried and “not sure’ about the father so I guess I shoudn’t be surprised.
I hate how long college takes. just give me some online courses and a piece of paper so I can get a JOB. I hate people when it is raining(or snowing) and you are crossing the parking lot to get to your car(lets say I am at Walmart with three kids) and they damn near run over you in their hurry. fuck you!! you are safe in a warm and dry car!! wait a damn minute for us. ass
there is lots more but my fingers are sore from typing.
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Uh-oh, Jeff: A recall on your favorite frozen meals!
http://www.fooducate.com/blog/2010/06/24/marie-callenders-frozen-meals-recall-or-not-a-sodium-bomb/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Fooducate+%28Fooducate%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
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the time it takes to scroll through “1st”, “second”, “twentieth”….
standing in line in McDonald’s behind the idiot that doesn’t know what they sell
any Barack Obama speech, he sounds just like a television preacher, all those words and he really just said I am right and you are wrong
traffic, the world is full of drivers that just can’t grasp the concept
waiting for my ex gf to get to the point of her conversation
@ computer users: why do you shut them off? they are much happier being left on unless you need to reboot them. put them to sleep or let them hibernate.
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I hate going to the bank to use the ATM and finding that someone is already there or just about to be there ahead of me. Know why? They stand there for several minutes like shit chucking apes. It takes me all of ten seconds to get cash out. Slide your card, enter your PIN, and tell it how much money you want. What the fuck takes everyone else so long?
There’s a gas station I stopped going to because the clerk was “chatty”. She’d strike up a conversation with everyone while I stood in line to get my beers. She was just being nice. Well fuck her.
I hate meetings of all sorts. I see them as a large waste of time and they seem to go on forever.
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If one of your kids gets biten by a wild animal that may be rabid, and you want to know if your kid has rabies, they tell you to cut the child’s head off and mail it to the rabies center. Seems like we could come up with a better way.
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Unmarried sister in law? doesn’t that mean sister by marriage? Maybe I just need another cup of coffee.
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I shut mine off because i cover it with a cardboard box so as to get as little as dust as possible in and on it. I work in a factory and there are a lot of people deburring and grinding on metal around me. I dust my desk every single day. On Mondays it is the worst because I’m off but there is a weekend shift. If i had an office I would leave it on.
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I’ve always heard that letting them sleep or hibernate is a fast way to kill one. I’ve had a bad experience with this also.
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If you are going to be away from your computer for a couple hours or more turn it off.
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I hate waiting for the start of a 4-hour erection.
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At 10:30 this morning the heat index was 92. I’m losing my will to live.
At this time.
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@CADude
I know what you mean. There was a time I didn’t have to wait. Getting older blows dead bears.
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@ chuck
Why?
normally it’s better for circuit boards to be energized all the time. the heating/cooling cycle is hard on the solder joints. most commercial servers are never shut down.
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Sifting through comments from idiots who think their lives revolve around being the first to comment on WVSR. Say something interesting or stay home!
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Servers are typically built from higher quality components. The moving parts on a consumer grade PC are whatever is cheapest in quantity. Most board failures are not solder joints but weak under specification capacitors. Other failures are from dirty fans causing them to run at a lower speed and thus frying the CPU. Hard drives have a life of 3 to 5 years although I have several that are 10 years old or older. Make backups folks. Buy an external HD and copy the stuff you want to keep to it. Burn those files to CD/DVD also just in case.
I’ve been a tech for 20+ years so forgive the rant.
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Due to unforeseen chaos, today’s update is in jeopardy. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’ll try to make up for it over the weekend. Carry on.
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Jeff…you know what happens when you leave the kids to fend for themselves. But, we’ll be LK.
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@Scott – I said the same thing when I first found this site and everyone just said to me, ‘you must be new here’. I stand by that.
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@ icecycle66 said:
“I my memory serves me right, every class in high school lasted infinity, they are in fact still probably going on and my brain has simply developed this Matrix like world I’ve lived in for the past 10 years. I am probably still in sophomore year biology or earth science and none of this or any of you are real.”
I like this theory…very well done!
Frozen computers, left lane squatters and the long hungover drive home from a vacation are the biggest time stand still-ers for me.
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Careful Scott someone will tell you to go fuck yourself.
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Juancho,
sister in law(husbands sissy) who is unmarried herself yet totally knocked up.
It took me a minute to read as I wrote this in a coffee driven frenzy.
I can be wrong. not usually..but. I digress. I also dislike when I have to call the cable company(Charter) because my internet is down AGAIN and I have to get thru the machine voice girl who takes voice prompts. Every time I breath i get re-routed to the beginning.
I hate that
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Hey Reporters, Since Jeff is currently experiencing difficulties with chaos, I have a topic to propose: has anyone had any interesting experiences with earthquakes?
This may have previously been talked about at the wvsr, perhaps in a post about the joys of California living, however I experienced my first one yesterday so it is fresh on my mind and the topic of discussion here in the Nations Capital.
It was a 5.0 with the epicenter about 50 miles away and I came away a little underwhelmed. My company BBQ/team building event happened to be yesterday so I was in a grassy field overlooking a river…and felt 15 seconds of earth shaking and rumble (similar to the end of a four hour erection.) I think I would have preferred to be back in the office building to get a better feel of the experience…because it scarred the Ali side effects out of locals that were ten storries up!
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I was about to say waiting for an update takes forever!!! LOL but at least I know it won’t be today or will it?
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82nd!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!
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shit: scarred/scared, storries/stories…
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Kevindust
Near as I can figure I was driving home from work when it happened. It is all over the news here in Pittsburgh as well.
I felt nothing much like sex with my soon to be ex-wife.
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scott’s a weenie.
# 86 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I fear that my job will one day be eliminated, and that robot people will be hired to do the the work that I have been doing. That’s right; robot people.
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There was an earthquake in the Columbus, OH area many years ago and I felt it in Parkersburg where I was living at the time. Just a very, very mild rolling like a tiny wave under a boat lasting about half a second. No biggie. I can’t imagine being through a big one where things shake and collapse. I would probably soil myself.
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Earthquakes are fairly common around here (I’m a CA native, and my only time not living in So Cal was 4 years in CT for college, so I’ve been through quite a few). It’s funny you should bring up earthquakes, Kevin, because I thought about earthquakes as things that makes time slow down. As an earthquake starts to build, we never know if it’s going to stop or continue to build into the “big one”. It’s a bit disconcerting, but it can be fun, too.
Come to think of it, it’s kind of like a 4-hour erection.
We had a large one on Easter, while having brunch in the back yard with relatives. My extended family is at the “kids are all grown but there aren’t any grand kids running around yet” stage, so we were all quite relaxed (no responsibilities at a family gathering!! Yippee!!) and we all really enjoyed the ride. And after it was over, it was a lot of fun to make fun of those who did the sensible thing…and panicked (my SIL ran back into the house to “save the chocolate!!”). It’s also fun to watch the waves build in the pool–surf’s up!
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This just in…My sister-in law’s dog just got bit by a rattlesnake for the second time in four months.
Box scores…Rattlesnake….2
Schnauser……1……………game over
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CaDude – if you start reading your comments half way through you get quite a different story….”Come to think of it, it’s kind of like a 4-hour erection.
We had a large one on Easter, while having brunch in the back yard with relatives. My extended family is at the “kids are all grown but there aren’t any grand kids running around yet” stage, so we were all quite relaxed (no responsibilities at a family gathering!! Yippee!!) and we all really enjoyed the ride. And after it was over, it was a lot of fun to make fun of those who did the sensible thing…and panicked ”
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dto – so sad about the schnauzer. We have two miniature ones that I both hate with a passion and love to death at the same time – the noisy little destructive bastards..ah they’re probably just bored shitless…
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We had a guy at work who was always watching the clock and complaining about how slow the last hours of work were going. So one Friday afternoon the boss would unplug the clock every time he walked by. Five minutes later he would walk by and plug it back in.
It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen – the guy getting madder and louder, swearing that the afternoon was taking forever! Finally The boss told him to go home early because he was tired of his complaining! I don’t know when the guy figured out he got off work at the right time, but he stopped complaining after that.
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I GOT THE SERVERS WORKING!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!
I’l bet I am one of the first hicks in WV to cornfigger a Hyper-V Windows 2003 Terminal server and a SCO UNIX virtual server running under 2008 serverR2 standard.
I need BEER, real bad!!
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@CAdude…Question, is it possible to file a lawsuit against someone for emotional distress?
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FIRST time I can recall going through an earthquake was just a couple of years ago. I was on a temporary assignment in Greensburg, Indiana. I don’t recall where the epicenter was but it felt like someone picked my bed up off the floor a few inches and dropped it.
Come to think of it, there was a tornado six miles north of Greensburg during the same year and a half I was over there, now that was scary. Watching the climaterrorist zoom in on the projected path of the tornado and knowing you’re in it wasn’t fun. Luckily it dispersed before it got that far.
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We just felt an earthquake recently in the southern suburbs of Chicago, it was pretty strange since those are uncommon around here.
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That was the “firsters” stopping their feet in anger that we suggest they make meaningfull update related comments…
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Maybe I should say; throwing a tantrum that we dare suggest moderating the comments to remove any of those comments unless accompanied by an update related comment.
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@hot fuzz – That’s how I meant it. Quite a segue, huh?
@Brittney – Yes, you can file a lawsuit for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Note the word “intentional”–it’s an important element of the action.
But I don’t believe that you can file a lawsuit for emotional distressed arising from some overly sensitive dickwad telling you to go fuck yourself in the comments section of a blog. I think that’s protected free speech. Yeah, that’s it. It’s free speech.
Especially if he later apologized
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It’s obvious Scott’s never seen “No comments” at the bottom of an update. It makes otherwise sane Surf Reporters lose their “Sifting through comments from idiots who think their lives revolve around being the first to comment on WVSR. Say something interesting or stay home.” cool.
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i always fgured if I lived in an area where earthquakes were prevelent I would not notice them due to the alcoholic tremors I love with.
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CaDude – oops….here I thought I was being clever and then I guess I went and trampled all over your punchline. BAD hot fuzz BAD… BAD BAD BAD….
I guess I didn’t expect a lawyer with a sense of humor to be so subtle… (Brittney told me to say that)..
(you both know I’m kidding right)
(going to go fuck myself now)
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BTW I felt an aftershock I believe… but then you’d expect that if the “chair” you were sitting on was attached to the earth by plumbing…
maybe it wasn’t an aftershock….
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That’s ok, I apologized too, no harm done. I actually would like to sue this crazy woman at my work that’s been trying to get myself and another woman fired for the past 5 months now. She made up an anoymous email address, and addresses herself as the ‘concerned employee’. Her latest e-mail (she sends new ones every couple months or so) to the president of the company was that myself and our accounting girl are trying to ‘slander his name’ and ‘trying to get the office & the university closed by reporting it to the board of education so we can sit around and collect unemployment’ (I work for a medical university)…as soon as they figure out it’s her I’m going to slap the bitch with a lawsuit. My boyfriend and I just got a house and as of last May I got a new car, so I don’t have the patience anymore for her shit. Last time she did this, she went onto my facebook which I stupidly left unblocked from strangers and she got on there and sent management all my status updates and comments I’d left people for the previous 2 days. What kind of crazy bitch does this? Any way, I’m kind of flattered that she thinks that I can apparently singlehandedly take down an entire University so I can sit on my ass and collect unemployment, but come on already. So that’s why I was asking.
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Hey scott…try first just once. Just once doesn’t make you… I don’t know…committed. There’s a certain glow for tempting the fates…uh…or so I’ve read.
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I got first once and I was never so excited in my life…and I used to be scott…I used to say, ‘who cares if your first, gawd’, and then I saw the light.
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How about if you’re going to be a firster (not a fister, that’s different) or seconder etc you must provide a comment you feel will be entertaining – as a fair number do. I still laugh at “rat farts” instead of “second”… That, I think, would be some sort of compromise? no?
“first” – requires very little effort – just quick fingers (like a date with your mother)
“first…. to have your mother last weekend” … takes a bit more effort and still satisfies the hunger.
For the ladies? perhaps “first…done, next football player… one at a time guys” Or something actually funny.
Personally, I’m waiting for the right moment so i can chime in with “sloppy seconds!!!!” I’ve been keeping that one on the back burner for months…
Just a thought….. just a thought….
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i once called out a stupid fat bitch cunt (and no, I’m not saying all stupid fat bitches are cunts or that all cunts are stupid fat bitches) named Marietta for playing solitaire at work. I was shortly removed from the office because she was a direct employee and I was a contractor and the boss had no balls (and she was piiiiiiiissed!).
Also she knew she couldn’t get fired because she was in her fifties and that would be age discrimination.
Her final act as a vindictive bitch was to delete a spreadsheet that contained every spare part and price quotes we had ordered or needed to order for 6 Airbus A300. Fortuneately I caught her before it had been deleted from the servers and we recovered it. She should have been fired for that, too.
It actually worked out because I then moved to a job where I worked nights (or at least I said I worked nights) which gave me time to go to grad school and not finish that.
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also if we were gonna comment just on topic I wouldn’t get to say things like get him a body bag, johnny!
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You ever see how nervous the kittens are at the kitten store when they release the latest in cuteness gene? 200 cat ladies standing in line with the occaisional fanboy or jacob wannabe waiting to get tabby.9. Sitting in camping chairs, and breaking them. Yeah, that’s how the iphone feels.
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Kevindust – Although I’m in the witness protection plan, I can tell you I’m halfway between a G8 and a G20. She who must be feared and obeyed tells me that on the 6th floor she could feel the building swaying 2″ to either side of vertical. They evacuated and it was apparently quite a sight to see 300 – 400 people in a parking lot, all on their cell phones calling loved ones to make sure all was well.
My handlers are taking me to see the Queen next Thursday when she visits. I figure we’ll throw back a few brews, the old girl and I.
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@JTB – I love Ferlinghetti!!! And you quoted one of my favorites as well.
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First, bitches!!!
Oh wait…I’M CRAZY FROM THE HEAT!!1
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I had my first “first” a post or two ago. It was pretty nice having my first “first” ever on the surf report.
I was de-non-firsted by jeff. ehh…..
I don’t like the “First” call though. So I actualyl read, quickly, the post and commented on it in a fleet finger fashion.
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WTF on the Bunker Cam? That dude must be nearly 5 foot 8 with that do.
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Oh my God, I am so not hot for Asian guys, but if I were I would be hot for the Asian guys in the Bunker Cam.
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Husband’s sister of course! I feel like I failed an IQ test.
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Scott,
Go fuck yourself.
All of my so-called earthquake experiences turned out to be seizures, caused by a cantelope sized turmor in my brain. So all of you earthquake survivors can also go fuck yourselves. Liars. You prolly have a tumor.
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I have a Windows laptop from work which I reboot a couple of times a week, hibernating otherwise when not in use. This practice has not caused any problems. My home desktop and servers stay on all the time. It works for me.
Christine pointed out the Marly Cadaver’s recall a cuppa two tree days ago, FWIW.
I too, thought at first that “first” was retarded, but I’ll be the first to admit I’ll jump on “first” the first time I’m first.
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I am hot for Asians (I better be, I married one), but I’m not hot for any of the guys in the bunker cam. I’m not even sure how one can do that with Asian hair. Another mystery of the universe.
As for earthquakes, I felt one in upstate NY about eleven or twelve years ago. Swayed the house back and forth for a little bit. It was more disconcerting than scary. Alas, I didn’t feel the Canada one.
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I was familiar with first from a drive by truckers board i was on. I used to it.
I have a tumor in my hand, but it only causes me to shake when I grab my cock.
So going bad a few day on the comments, it was fairly universal that we all want to drink together. If that ever happens it’ll be a youtube sensation. PLus Jeff might get a few bunker cam pictures out of it. Hell the public intox and resisting arrest mugshots alone will be awesome (except those will all end up on the smoking fish page).
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@Erin,
On the desk in front of me is a 1968 New Directions paperbook #74, “A Coney Island of the Mind” by Lawrence Ferlinghetti which I personally purchased in 1968. It’s a little beaten up, but so am I.
I am a reader and recovering book collector; thus, much of what I purchase gets archived to boxes downstairs. However, this book survived college, 12 moves, marriages, scores of psychedelic experiences, two big-ass earthquakes, and dozens of re-reads, and I didn’t have to leave my swivel chair to grab it off the shelf. That’s how important it is to me. Glad to meet another fan.
Among my favorite LF poems:
Sometime during eternity
Junkman’s Obbligato
I am waiting
Christ climbed down (I read this one aloud every Christmas)
The world is a beautiful place
.
I have made the pilgrimage to City Lights (LF’s bookstore in San Francisco) three times in the last 40 years, and have met LF, but have never had the pleasure of an extended conversation. He’s a pretty popular and busy guy. I started reading him when he had brown hair (for that matter, I did too), but his poems never seem to lose currency.
How did you happen to find his work? I’m so old, that he was current events when I started reading him, but you look much, much younger, unless my webcam needs some work.
Thanks for speaking up.
jtb
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Scott,
I have been the first commenter three times in the last year, and have chosen to post a normal comment and not identify myself as “first” or “1st”. Of course, by doing this, I risk taking myself out of the running for the case of beer Jeff gives the Reporter with the most firsts. In any case, I’ll bet you survive the two or three seconds it takes you to skip over the gold, silver and bronze medalists each day. So, for all that is sacred in the universe,
Go Fuck Yourself
Love always,
jtb
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I’ll never forget the first time I went and fucked myself.
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Here’s a short piece about a firster. There is an f-bomb in the middle so prolly NSFW.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciG-Xs7mBwU
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bikerchick — I am familiar with that intersection too; it is about 3 blocks from where I live. Pittsburgh traffic is a pain in the ass no matter where you are going. I guess it could be worse, considering what I’ve seen around Washington DC.
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The first time I fucked myself I was on auto pilot and wondered “wtf what a great dream!!! Hey what the hell is this…???”
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I like the earthquake updates. In Northern Illinois we had one this winter…scared the shit out of me. but did I run to the kids bedrooms to save them?? no. I layed there and said wtf….a tornado I can handle.
It was about 5am after a snowfall…it honestly sounded like a snowplow coming in the yard. I was asleep…I was thinking “how big is the plow that is coming”..a little panicked you know.
then my bed shook like someone was holding on to it..and spread to the north. freaky shit. I had to get online to the geological earthquake site(yes it is real) and see and tada!!!
real earthquake!! thougth I was crazy and God reached down and woke my ass up.
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As a gentleman who respects the ladies I make it a habit of never being first…
To anyone who complains about us that complain about firsters:
go fuck yourself
To those who will tell me to go fuck myself: As someone who can’t seem to get a date lately fucking myself seems to be the only option I have…
Have a great weekend!
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Haha, me and CAdude started a trend…well he started first, but I caused it. *sniff sniff* I am so proud. In the words of T-storm, lets all fuck ourselves and have a good time doing it.
Love you all, even you Scott.
Love, Britt
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@Brittney,
That’s defamation of character & libel (since it’s in writing and sent to a 3rd party). Emotional distress can be a factor in the damages. It’s likely also grounds for a hostile work environment and so potentially a discrimination issue.
If the person sent the emails from work you could certainly bring suit or disclose to HR this info. HR can have IT or forensic computer specialist capture the computer contents and look for email and web history to prove she sent the info. They might do this if you threaten a lawsuit. Of course, they might also can you for being a troublemaker and you’d have to do it though the courts, by which time all evidence would be gone.
Or you could leave an open can of tuna in the sun for a couple weeks and pour it into the fresh air intakes in front of the windshield of her car.
Perhaps a combination approach would be helplful.
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Brit,
become friends with her and then go to her house and top shelf her toilet.
and she probably owns cats, I’m not sure what to do about that, but there is probably something funny that won’t hurt the damn things.
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@J, thanks, those all sounded like good ideas, and I’m pretty sure the bitch keyed my car also, so I will take your advice to heart. Unfortunately, our IT guys are on the island in the West Indies where the actual campus is, so getting a hold of them is nearly impossible. But Lynnette (my co worker) and I, have taken this into our own hands, and I am going to try my very best to get google to tell me who is sending these emails…Don’t know what good it’ll do me, but it’ll sure make me feel better to try! This bitch is going down one way or the other.
@T-storm – She doesn’t have any cats, but I would LOVE to top shelf her toilet. Omg, I would love it. More importantly, I would love to see her face!!
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haha, that was supposed to be a clown…it works on yahoo messenger…apparently not on here tho…that one looks like it’s about to give head.
8===D
Hopefully that worked.
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@JTB,
An old boyfriend of mine, who turned out to be one of my best friends, introduced me to Ferlinghetti almost 15 years ago. He’s my age, and I honestly have no idea how he found him – but I do remember that he was reading quite a bit of poetry at the time. My copy of “Coney Island” holds a prominent place on my bookshelf as well, although I haven’t had it nearly as long as you’ve had yours.
Some of my favorites, which have some overlap with yours:
Don’t let that horse eat that violin
Johnny Nolan has a patch on his ass
Sometime during eternity
I am waiting
And unless someone’s been masquerading as me, I don’t think it was me you saw on your webcam! I’ve been reading the surf report for years, but almost never comment (I participated in the last roll call, and said something about beer recently, and I think that’s about it). It must have been some other Erin . . . but I’ll 34 in a couple of months, so I suppose I am outside of the normal demographic for his work. At any rate, the tone of his poetry is amazing – sarcastic and funny, and yet still poignant and heart-breaking.
I love that I wasn’t the only one who thought of Ferlinghetti when I read airandee’s comment! Thanks for bringing it up.
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Jeff – in other WV news – Sen. Robert Byrd shuffled off to that great Ku Klux Klan rally in the sky at the age of 92…
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